Nads is in New York til Monday getting more famous, so you suckas are left with me! Luckies!!
My favorite thing about Nads leaving is that it gives me an excuse to make fun of my favorite shitty mag, People! YAAAY!!! The top story at the time of writing:
The View ladies sat down with Octomom on the 23rd. Have you guys watched? Sherri calls her out on laughing like a maniac and Whoopie gives her the “Glenn Beck told lies about me” look the whole time. Octo talks about how she’s dating again and writing a book. She can’t promise not to have any more babies (she’s already got 14), cuz who knows? She might find love again and get married and what if he wants kids?!? If you can find a man who wants the feeling of making love to a warm closet, you can worry about having more kids, you NUT.
This has nothing to do with TV, but I felt it was important to tell you guys that a drug addicted alcoholic chimp was sent to rehab. This should have happened sooner so we could have seen how he would interact with Tom Sizemore on VH1. Update: the chimp was surprised to wake up and realize he was a lesbian. See, Lindsay? It’s not just you.
Nads needed a vaca, so I’m all yours today. You know what that means!! Let’s go to People.com and make fun of moronic celebrity adventures!!
Kirstie Alley: Diet Guru? LOL. The thing that’s most special about Kirstie is that SHE’S NOT KIDDING. All week she’s been tweeting (yes, I follow her on Twitter you guys. Cuz life’s too short not to laugh your ass off at any crazy person you can on a daily basis.) about how she’s going on Oprah! WOWEE! She promised us a very very special surprise! So special that she’s not gonna announce on Twitter? That is special. Let me guess. She’s going on a diet. Yup! But the twist is, so are you!!
We’re both getting too old for this shit.
Oh, Chikezie. What have you gotten yourself into? He was arrested yesterday for identity theft. He was trying to buy cologne under someone else’s name at Neiman’s. Now he’s in jail and he most likely still stinks. Dumbass. I am waiting for confirmation on this, but the name on the fake card is said to have been Isaac Washington.
Nads needed a little time off today, which means I get to go to People Magazine and make fun of their articles. All I have to do is look at the front page once to stay happy for the whole day!
Cuz you realized college might have been a good option after all?
So wait. There’s NOT a pill that will make you thinner without any effort on your part?? THAT’S CARAAAZY! Jillian Michaels of Biggest loser fame is being sued for fraud. Fat people have taken her pills and are still fat. Uh, I’ve paid for Weight Watchers Online since it began and I’m fatter than ever. If there are any lawyers out there, call me.
I listened to Jillian’s radio show when it was on the air, and it was some fascinating stuff. “Jillian, help me! I’m fat!” “Eat less and exercise.” WOW! STUNNING BREAKTHROUGH! I’m kinda surprised that she would be in trouble for selling fake crap when I can’t remember her ever advocating diet pills, but I guess you gotta make that money while you can. Cuz then your star fades and you ride off into the sunset, buy a house in the middle of the woods, and get fatter than Jabba the Hut. Ok my dream leaked a little into this story, sorry.
Point is, fat people should know better. One thing that goes unspoken amongst us is: DON’T TRUST SKINNY BITCHES. If you need to lose weight, start a coke habit and don’t eat anything. It’s called perseverance, and it doesn’t come in pill form. Who am I kidding? I’m fat until the miracle pill is finally released. Stay tuned!
AP – One minute Billy Mays died cuz he was a raging cokehead, the next he was clean and sober. Confused?
The AP just released news that Mays’ family didn’t like the whole “cocaine use contributed to the heart disease that suddenly killed him” story the Hillsborough County medical examiner’s office released after his death so they hired an independent examiner to give them a better statement. I totally understand that because the doctor told me I was like sixty pounds overweight so I bought an independent scale at Target, hit it with a hammer, and according to it I’m anorexic. YAAAY!! I didn’t even realize I was losing weight! Must be all the coke.
People Magazine – Nads is sick today, which means I get to go to some of my favorite magazine sites and learn about what’s going on in the world outside my apartment. I would not wish illness on anyone, but today Nads’ has opened my brain to knowledge I wouldn’t have had otherwise. For example, did you know Meghan McCain is suffering a barrage of criticism after tweeting this pic?
I totes own a book you guys! OMGLOL
“So I took a fun picture not thinking anything about what I was wearing but apparently anything other than a pantsuit [and] I am a slut. Seriously I was just trying to be funny with the book and that I’m a dork staying in. When I am alone in my apartment, I wear tank tops and sweat pants, I had no idea this makes me a ‘slut’, I can’t even tell you how hurt I am.”
It’s not the tank top that’s offensive, it’s the ten pound saline bags showing under your skin. You have done a disservice to plastic surgeons everywhere young lady, and you should be ashamed. There are those of us who are working our tails off to save up for a little enhancement, and you’ve made the whole process seem like a waste of time and money. What’s the point of saving up for new body parts if they’re just gonna make us look like twenty dollar an hour internet porn workers? Thanks for killing my dream, Meghan.
RadarOnline – Word on the street, well the internet street, is that Jon and Kate are about to be dunzies. I’ll wait for you to stop jumping up and down praising the Lord.
Done? K. Jon has revoked his permission to film the kids and without it, TLC is screwed. See, they were planning on showcasing bad parenting further single mom style with Kate Plus Eight, but now they’re stuck. I’m sure Kate will end up paying Jon what he wants and everything will be fine, cuz of all the things Jon wants to do right now, finding a job probably isn’t high on the list. I wish I was a mediator in this mess so I could end it in a way that would be best for everyone. Just sell those kids off and buy a condo so we can stop reading about your stupid asses everywhere.
Life and Style sends us some of the best emails. With the recession, two wars, and general shitty mood this country finds itself in, it’s always nice to know that Justin Timberlake ordered a Frappucino on the West side or Jessica Simpson got a pimple on the side of her nose from touching it too much. Don’t even try to tell me it’s not easier to swallow the current state of humanity when you can curl up at night in the blanket of knowledge that there will be more Kardashians born unto the world, so that your children will have as much fun rolling their eyes and making fun of their sex tapes as you did.
L&S caught up with the family at the opening of a Cupcake Store (LOL. No Wal-Mart ribbon cutting ceremony invites?) and asked how they’re dealing with the looming birth of their new family member. Kim: “You see what my sister is going through and it’s so much fun. Kourtney’s picking out cribs and high chairs. I’m getting her little clothes and shoes. It’s all so cute.” Mmmhmm. We’ll see how cute you think it is when you’re covered in slobber, poop, and baby spew in a few months. We look forward to the email Life and Style sends us about that.
Point is, with the state of the world as it is, it’s easy to wallow in self pity and feelings that life is pointless. I just wanted to remind you guys that there are people with more pointless lives than yours. You’re welcome. Eat a cupcake and wear a condom. xo
Wanda Sykes, one of my favorite comics of all time and the first openly gay headliner of the event, got laughs and boo/groans in equal measure at the White House Correspondents Dinner this weekend. Listening to how uncomfortable she made people was just delicious. It would have been nice to see her without her head so far up Obama’s butt like the rest of the compliant ass kissy media, but the digs she did get in there were pretty funny. Ragging on his lame gift of an iPod to the Queen: “What are you gonna give the Pope, a bluetooth?”
Question: When do Bush jokes become old? Obama has done PLENTY to rag on. Wanda’s probably taken it further than any other wussy comic so far, but what gives? We’ve already heard all the damn Bush jokes we can take!! Obama’s turn to get taken to town. Too much to Hope for? Hopefully the country will loosen up soon. Respect and awe are BOOORRIIINNNNNG. Check out Wanda’s routine after the jump and weigh in.
“Lincoln never had a nipple portrait.”
Bea Arthur May 13, 1922 – April 25, 2009
RIP
Bea Arthur passed away this weekend from cancer. What a talent. God bless you, BA!! One of my first TVgasms was watching The Golden Girls, and as I found last night combing YouTube for the perfect video of Bea to post, this woman can still have me doubling over and gasping for air from laughing so damn hard. Rest in peace, sister, and thank you for all you gave us!
More videos after the jump.
MTV Rosie did an interview with People magazine and talked about the latest internet sensation, Miss Susan Boyle. We’ve all seen the video of Susan turning the coliseum of haters around to her side on Britain’s Got Talent, and everyone’s had something to say about it. I’m all for a little media saturation, especially if it gives Rosie O yet another chance to look like a complete jerk. She told People Susan was like Shrek. “Here is this freaky miss, a fat, ugly girl, like Shrek comes to life, directing energy towards her soul. This was so rare … something authentic in a world that is usually manufactured. It was a perfect moment which will never happen again.”
Rosie insists she meant it as a compliment. Uh…..thanks? I’m waiting for Susan to show her true star quality and get into a video blog war with RoRo. If you need some names to call her, might I suggest angry midget face?
Nads is getting ready for her big Showtime Comedy Special Premiere party tonight. Getting her nails done, her hair did, etc. So you’re stuck with me today. I had to bring my car in to get fixed and when I sat down, CNN blared “Father Tries to Sell his daughter!” Well who can blame him? Kids can be a nightmare. May as well try and get some of your money back. Kidding! Turns out, his kid is one of the stars of Slumdog Millionaire. India promises that they’re probing the incident, and the father swears that he was set up and there’s no way he would try to sell his kid! He was trying to adopt her to someone. For £200,000.
Ahhhh! Totally understandable then. He was brought down by an undercover team, thankfully. Now this adorable, talented girl will get to stay with that quality dad. Dad says he’s furious that Rubina costarred in one of the most popular movies all time and the family got nuthin. It’s called being in an independent movie, sir. You’re supposed to use that exposure to get Rubi a good agent, which will lead to lots of commercials and movies of the week. Duh. This man is not only trying to sell a child, he’s completely mismanaging a promising career. Hang him! For once, I hope Madonna is allowed to buy another kid.
Speaking of baby buying, Madge fell off her horse in the Hamptons Saturday. Her publicist, Liz Rosenberg, was quick to blame a photographer for scaring the horse. Only one problem. The photog, Thomas Hinton, claims that he was on a public road and the view was so bad that he left before the fall. He insists that if there were pictures taken, we would have seen them by now. And knowing the paps as we do, that rings true.
So the question is, where were the paps? We trust them to cover EVERYTHING. I’ve had to sit through weeks of news about Madonna trying to procure another African baby, the least I expect in return is some pics of her getting flung off her horse. Come on paps, do your damn job!
Breitbart Jillian Michaels has always been a charmer. She quit Biggest Loser because she claimed that she was edited to look like an a hole. Then she got her own radio show and every week (yes, I listen occasionally) comes on air and is as fakey nice as she can possibly be. Then she got back on Biggest Loser and though she receives a softer edit these days, still an a hole. Unfortunately, if you have a bit of a hole in you, it will shine through no matter what you do. Trust me. I know from experience. Even when I’m smiling and nodding and making eye contact people think I’m being rude and sarcastic. And they’re right.
Point is, once an a hole, always an a hole. Jillian did an interview recently about Biggest Loser and was caught on mic saying “A normal person, I could be like, ‘Warm up five minutes.’ You’d be like, ‘OK.’ These people are half-dead. I mean, it’s not the same… They are 400 … pounds! Hello! They are not just going to get on the treadmill and run. It doesn’t work that way.” Ok we get that a 400 pound person shouldn’t just start running on the treadmill, but calling them half dead when fat people are the ones lining your fridge with baby carrots is just wrong. And when did being 400 pounds become “half dead” instead of “half full?” The times, they are a changin’. Check out the video here.
According to TMZ, Kelly Rutherford Van der Woodsen is getting divorced from her hubby. And she’s pregnant. Ok, so yes the timing should have been better on that one but WHO CARES?!? I JUST FOUND OUT THE NAME OF HER FIRST SON. Hermés Gustaf Daniel Giersch. Hermés?!? REALLY? I call child abuse! Sure, little Hermés might not be subjected to torture at public school, because he most likely doesn’t attend public school. But eventually that kid has to show up in public somewhere and introduce himself as ERMAY. An ass kicking will follow. Or Paris will just cut him up and wear him over her shoulder on a gay date with Clooney.
Are more important things happening in the world? Yes. Israel and Hamas are still lobbing bombs at each other, our economy’s in the tanker, we’re on the brink of the end of times blahblahblahblah. But take a moment, put your own problems aside for a second, and really think about it. Hermés. If you’re not at least a little mad you’re un-American.
So wow. George Clooney and Paris Hilton, huh? George is probably sick of having to by his beards houses and shit when he dumps them. Just get a rich one! Well done, George. Well done. Just more proof that gay dudes love Paris!
And why wouldn’t we? Last week when the press jumped all over her for blowing $4,000 bucks at Wayne Cooper in Sydney during a time when most Americans were getting fired and put on the bread line, she simply answered “I’m doing it to help the economy.” Of Australia. LOL. Get off her ass, people! At least she didn’t ask the Government for her swag! She worked hard for it by….I don’t know how to finish that sentence. Anyways, good luck you two! And Paris, if he’s not touching you for a few weeks it’s just because he’s a gentleman.
Xinhua/Reuters Photo
This is how I pose when I get out of my car in front of Jon’s Supermarket in East Hollywood.
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