I lost a toof bitin’ out some guy’s juguhler.

The marvelous Dear Crabby has covered Toddlers and Tiaras forevs on this site, and I read every single recap. Sometimes she even lets me do screengrabs and captions for her, cuz I don’t watch every show but every single screencap is HILARIOUS.

Poor thing took too much Ambien and fell asleep on the paper shredder.

See? That was the first second of the show. Anyway, when Crabby told me she had to take a week off for real life stuff, I jumped at the chance to do a guest recap. I know you come here for your Crabby, but don’t worry. She’ll be back next week!
Today’s episode takes place in Fort Mill, South Carolina, and the first kid we see tells us in a t-hick accent that she’s unstoppable when it comes to pageants. Her confidence is kinda undermined by the giant kid rating.

Not even one minute in and we’ve got our first blinded brat. YAY!

We’re going to see a pageant grandma and a kid who’s won over fifty thousand bucks. Hey. What is Heidi doing on this show? With claw hair?

Rigging, glitter, and vicious moms. Let’s do this!! We open with a shot of a little cross eyed girl dancing around in a bikini. LOL.

Today’s pageant director is Misti. Misti became a pageant director cuz she likes to slut up little crosseyed girls in bikinis and then eat them on a hoagie roll.

Crosseyed half naked children are best with a chipotle aioli.

This pageant is called the Southern Majestic Princess Pageant, and Misti tells us that this one’s all about the glitz. Unlike those other pageants, which are all about boring things like reading and adding things. We get clips of the kids doing their thing, and man. I have to hit replay many times because I can’t stop laughing. Please, God, let this kid win.

Work it, sista!

This show makes me want to have children. It also makes me want to murder parents, so as far as uplifting programming it’s a wash for me.
Let’s go to Mt. Morris, Pennsylvania! There are a lot of things there. No? Well, there’s a bridge, so that’s progressive.

Wells coming soon.

Hick-y papaw sittin’ on a rockin’ chair music diddles and then that changes to rock music as some kind of outdoor funtime vehicle comes barreling down the yard and almost hits the family dog. They may not have much in Mt. Morris, but they do have a plastic surgeon, apparently.

Was she always lazy eyed or was that just a shitty doctor? Stay tuned!

Pam, to be known here as Grandma Heidi, is a “huntress”, and is very proud that her granddaughter Ariana can spot a deer better than she can. Of course she can. She hasn’t had her eyelids stapled to her skull. Ariana looks like one of the poor put upon orphans in Annie.

Perfect! Places!

Ariana tells us that she loves huntin’! If she see a deer (her grammar, not mine), she’ll shoot it. Then she’ll gut it. And then stab it in the back. And then cut his legs off. Then cut his eyes off. Then his head. I imagine Barbies don’t last long in this house. Or pets. Or play dates. Yikes. Grandma Heidi cackles and calls Ariana “my little deer slayer.” Then she shows us her big set of teeth, probably stolen off some woodchuck that Ariana got to know in the woods.

When she’s over ten, I’n gonna have her go out and cut me off a new face. I got my eye on a Wal-Mart cashier tryin to save up for community. YOU CAN’T HIIIIIDE!

This episode will be used as evidence in a state trial one day. Mark my words. Let’s move on…no let’s seriously f ing RUN to Mt. Holly, North Carolina. They’re way more progressive than that other place. They have a stoplight!
We meet Mom Sandi and daughter Chelsea looking at a bunch of fake diamond crowns. Sandi tells us “my daughter is gonna blow…the judges away!” How self unaware can you be, lady? I just want to know if one mother on this episode is gonna be able to open both of her eyes all the way.

Chelsea is the brat who told us in the opening that she’s unstoppable when it comes to pageants. I’m guessing she also holds the Most Marbles Up The Nose title in the neighborhood.

No, you don’t have any bats in the cave. Put your head down or you’re never gonna get a boyfriend.

Mom says that Chelsea has won fifty thousand dollars at pageants, and Chelsea shows us her anime painting. She tells us that the pic is how she looks with a little makeup.

And plastic coating, and wigs, and nostril putty.

Chels says she’s very competitive. “It’s no fun when you don’t got no one to compete against.” Something tells me the competing stops at debate team or mathletes or anything with actual learnin’ required. Mom makes Chelsea practice her dance, and says that she can do better. Then she tells us she insists on beating her child at as many games as possible to teach her that it’s hard work to be the best or something. She adds that she doesn’t mind people judging her kid cuz Mom is the worst critic. Good. That’s one less hate comment I have to deal with. Thanks for the pass, ass!
Then Mom gives us an example of what she means and does Chels’ routine all out. It’s embarrassing. For mothers, daughters, and routines. What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? looks like a Disney movie next to this woman.

The Split End Head Whip

I hope the serial killer kid gets ahold of these two. Now on to Indian Trail, North Carolina. They have bridges, stoplights, and their own hospital.

Just in case Moms who can’t get over their own failed ambitions slip a disc trying to dance like a ten year old.

Victoria’s next. She’s adorable and has a sparkling personality. Did I accidentally switch channels? Cuz this can’t be right.

Her grandma is as not annoying as Vic. Bring back the hatables!!

Look lady, if you insist on being this likable I’m gonna have to find another gig.

This is the first time I’ve ever seen a parental figure explain to a kid that their anime pics aren’t real. She tells Vic that the teeth are fake, the skin is fake, the eyes are fake…basically Grandma turned you into a cartoon. Isn’t it fun? Victoria can’t believe it’s not her. LOL. I keep a picture of myself all thin in my twenties in my head, and every time I pass a mirror I have the same reaction as Vic had.

Does this mean I can’t go to Dora the Explorer’s house after school?

Grandma is raising Vic. It’s rough to raise a kid all over again, but she wouldn’t have it any other way. And who can blame her? Victoria’s even adorable when she tells her Grandma to go suck it.

Let’s check in with Chelsea. She lives on Perfection Ave. Everything about this family makes me want to turn a can of Aqua Net into a blowtorch and go on a rampage.

Chels wins my heart a bit when she tells us that she used to do pageants every weekend but now she races dirt bikes too. Hey brat, how bout finding a hobby that doesn’t cost thousands of dollars? Like soccer or something.

Well, she changed her mind on the dirt bike thing even though I’m sure she was better than everyone else ever born. She had to sell her dirt bike to buy her two thousand dollar dress for this pageant. Wow. For a possible seven hundred and fifty dollar prize. So even if you win, you lose. Somehow that makes me feel better about all this. It takes her two full days to get ready for a pageant. Is she shaving her legs already? Enjoy the pageants while you can kid cuz if you’re already hairy enough to shave the only pageants you’ll be doing as an adult are gonna be in Little Armenia.
Back to Victoria. Grandma has Victoria practice opening her small eyes really wide for the judges. She’s turning her into the joker.

Just like that.

Telling your kid her eyes are too tiny isn’t cool. What’s she supposed to do? You want her to look like that plastic surgery grandma? Let her alone! Squinty eyes can be pretty, too! Grandma’s crazy leaks out a little bit as she tells us how seriously you have to take pageants. What’s up with Ariana? She tells us about things she loves. Winnin’. Makuppin’. Gettin’ her nails on. Shootin’. Slicin’. Dicin’. Runnin’ from da pigs, etc. Her mom doesn’t have time to take her out of town for pageants, so thank goodness for grandma. And for great grandma, who helps out. People like this come from a loooong line, as evidenced below.

You think you’re just born with a personality like this? NO. That kind of undevelopment takes generations.

Great Grandma loves wacky hats and funny voices. She wants to be called YaYa, which is a vowel switch away from being right on the nose. As YoYo walks around doing a hick Jackie Gleason impression while wearing a hamburger hat, Ariana practices her talent for the pageant.

This kid is going places. Like courtrooms and prisons.

Chelsea goes to visit Miss Amber, her coach. Who’s also a mistress of the night most likely. Who calls themselves that? She makes a hundred and fifty to two hundred an hour! Dang! And that’s in the daylight! It’s a lot, especially because Chelsea’s “talent” is jumping around like she’s having seizures and all she gets from Miss Amber is “good job!” Rip off!

Uh yeah, that’s great spaz. Two hundred dollars please.

Who cares? Let’s get back to the serial killer. She’s the most entertaining. Grandma Heidi and YoYo have a trailer in the back used only to get serial killer ready for shows and hide dead bodies. They can’t call it Pageant and Dead Body Storage Locker, so Pageant Trailer will have to do. I like The Hurt Trailer, so I’ll stick with that. The ladies choose crazy outfits so Ariana will stand out. I don’t know that that’s necessary, just have her talk about her hobbies and save some money. Grandma quizzes Ariana on the color of the following hideous dress:

Grey. LOL

Now let’s meet Tom, Vic’s grandpa. He’s very supportive of pageants even though his wife has spent over twenty thousand grand on them. Divorce is cheaper than that, man. Miss Amber is also Vic’s coach. I hope the serial killers don’t find out about that or Miss Amber’s gonna be on the back of a milk carton by showtime. As Vic stretches, Miss Amber tells her to make it hurt. Vic is incredulous. “You want me to break my bone?” HAHAHAH. Yes. Yes she does. No pain no gain! If you can’t put your ankles behind your head you can’t grow up to be like Miss Amber, which means you’ll have to go to college instead of using the parts God gave you to make money after dark and what kind of life is that?
YoYo and Grandma Heidi take Ariana to the local Michael’s to get enough plastic jewels to glue onto shit. They spend twenty seven hundred dollars. Is this a bad time to bring up Haiti? The seven hour drive to the pageant is upon them, but YoYo can’t find the keys. The most important thing about this scene, though, is this pic.

I think it’s time to start looking into nursing homes.

We’re at Fort Mill! Time for some GLITZ!!! The girls arrive and Grandma Heidi tells us that Ariana drank all of YoYo’s coffee so she might be a little cracked out. Ariana loooooves coffee! “Ahm a coffee dareeeenker”. HAHA this girl loves everything. Chelsea’s boyfriend has come to the pageant, and Mom says that he’s gonna love seeing her all made up. Then she makes a little dirty face. This mother is the same one who said something about her kid blowing the judges…away. She’s creeping me out. Chelsea says that her bf follows her everywhere she goes, which means he’s obsessed with her. She’s smiling now, but when she’s an adult she’ll realize that she needs to learn a little something about restraining orders. She says that if she wins she’s gonna give her crown to her boyfriend. I hope for her sake that he’s not too thrilled with that gift, cuz there’s nothing worse than dedicating your youth to a future gay guy.
Speaking of gay guys, let’s meet Ariana’s makeup artist, Sabastian Ready. If that’s not a bottom’s name I don’t know what is.

Girrrrl! I’s ready!

Ready drawls to Ariana “Sabastian was up all night doin’ yer curlz.” He owns a pageant store and tells us that he’s been in the pageant queen biz for twenty years. Grandma Heidi just met him this weekend and already loves him. Wait. You met him this weekend? Where? I want to see that go down. Was it at a gay bar, a plastic surgeon’s office or a Michael’s? Come on TLC, you’re missing the meat of the episode. Anyway, I’m guessing Ready makes this face a lot around this family.

Girl, she tole me she was on Da Heelz.

Beauty’s first, and Pageant Director says that they’ll be looking at perfect hair, makeup, flippers (what is that?) and tanning. The kids are ADORABLE!!! HAHAHAHAHAH I love this part.

F this!! I’m goin to college!

The prize is big for this pageant so there’s no buffet. The announcer lady’s got enough to feed the entire room though.

Good Lord. That woman’s a living breathing Golden Corral.

Are you my mommy? Are you my mommy? Are you my mommy?

The four and five year old (b)racket is up next. This is the toughest division, Pageant Lady tells us, because it’s full of “seasoned veterans.” These babies all fought in Vietnam in their past lives. Grandma Heidi says that she’s hoping Ariana doesn’t throw in her “freelance moves.” Oh God please let her throw those in!! She doesn’t. She’s like a little robot. She looks kinda insane….

Take me to your leader or I’ll gut your house pet.

….but not nearly as unbalanced as Grandma Heidi.

Do the dead fish with a mullet move I taught you!

Granny Heidi tells us that Ariana did throw in her special moves, but I couldn’t tell what they were. She did a thing at the end where instead of blowing kisses she shot them at the judges with a finger gun, but hey she should be herself at least a little.
Time for the eight to nine division. Victoria’s kinda over it. She might have accidentally sipped the oj grandpa laced with Vicodin for a freaking out grandma. Granny is confused cuz she gave the kid her crack so there shouldn’t be any yawns.

It’s called a crash, lady. She’s gonna be on Celebrity Rehab with a Sweet Tart addiction. I hope you’re happy.

Vic does ok, though. She even opens her eyes as widely as possible like she was told. The effect is startling.

Vicolantern

Other than crazy eyes she kicks butt. She looks pretty and beams with confidence. Ten to thirteen year olds are next, and it’s way more frightening seeing these girls act robotic cuz they should have some kind of rebellion forming by now. Chelsea has a really pretty dress and about thirty pounds of wig going on.

The luau part is next. Grandma Heidi is nervous about the bikini cuz she doesn’t want to give jerk off material to the creepy people. Nice to hear someone be actually aware of the fact that it’s kinda sick to put a four year old in a bikini to parade around a national stage gyrating and doing splits, but she does it anyway so the points she just earned are gone. Most of the girls don’t even wear bikinis, and they’re all hilariously adorable. This one looks like either someone just scared the life out of her or she’s thinking about a life as a mime.

Ghost children should be disqualified. They had their chance.

Ariana is so damn cute!! She comes out bouncing all over the place and just kills me. Er…makes me laugh. I shouldn’t say things like “kills me” when Ariana’s around, she might take it as an invitation.

Ariana bounces her hips and then rips off her grass skirt like a stripper. Way to discourage the pervs, Granny Heidi!

head slap

Yeah! Take it off!

It’s nice to see that at least one of the judges is kinda disturbed.

Victoria really knows how to take the stage with confidence and she kills it. Chelsea is confident and robotic, and her boyfriend builds a little tent in her honor.

habedehabedehabedeh

Outfit of Choice is next, and it’s amaizing to see what the moms come up with when they have no boundaries.

So this is what regret looks like.

I don’t know who this little girl is, but she has to win. She’s hilarious.

Ariana looks like a murdered cotton candy machine with a belly belt.

Grandma Heidi is worried about the improvising thing, and this time she has reason to. Ariana does a couple of skipping circles and then just jumps up and down, partying her face off. I had to stand and cheer for that one. This little girl is a character. I wanna adopt her, but I might have to have a smackdown with Granny YoYo first, which means it would be kidnapping and I don’t think I’m up for that. Still, adore.

Grandma Heidi? Not so amused.

Stop frickin around! Gran needs the prize to get her eyes did ageein!

Real the hair guy is pissed too. “Did she stick with the program? No she did not!!” You don’t wanna piss off Real. He’ll scratch your face off. Victoria is all energy by the time she performs. Dang. She’s cracked out and doing cartwheels and stuff.

Miss Amber would be proud.

Chelsea has a pretty cool outfit for western wear. Very Cher.

Love the gold bike shorts. Cholas across America, consider yourself inspired. Crowning time!! Dramatic music plays and Ariana wins….

Love the tatt, Granny YoYo! You little slut!

….Queen!! I thought that was good, but it means that she’s not eligible to win Supreme. Grandma Heidi is pissed. She spent three thousand bucks and the crown cost one.

If it helps, you also win the title of MY HERO.

Victoria wins…..Most Beautiful!! She doesn’t win Queen, which is good I guess. Ten to thirteens are up next. Chelsea wins….Most Beautiful! She doesn’t win Queen, which is good. Poor Grandma Heidi is about to have a breakdown, so Real starts poisoning her brain to make her feel better.

He tells her there must be cheating, and Grandma Heidi bites. Victoria (who is supposedly the cheater) wins Mini Supreme, and not Grand Supreme. Poor Mary Wilson!! She doesn’t know what any of this crap means, so she’s just happy to have her crown. Her Gran knows though and she’s gonna be pissed. She kissed Judge butt for nothing!! Also, it means Real is full of shit and needs to stop spreading his bitterness all over the place. The Ultimate Most Specialist Supreme Super Sized for the entire pageant is…..Chelsea!! She’s thrilled in a dead pan way and her mom is “astatic”. Grandma Heidi is full on bitter and goes off about the judge that knows Victoria sabotaging her kid. But Vic didn’t win, she came in second, right? I can’t tell. Too many Supremes for my tiny little brain to compute.
As promised, Chelsea gives her boyfriend the crown, planting the seed to some heartbreak later in life.

Congrats, queen.

Thanks for putting up with me this week. DearCrabby will be back next time! xo

Mommy that puppy’s crying!

Being more of a traditional homo myself, I tend to stay away from ESPN. All they show are different forms of…exercise. With rules and points and penalties and stuff. And lots of old white guys shaking their jowls at the cameras, shouting and growling and spitting about people I don’t know doing things I don’t understand. No. No. No.
That said, technically this is ABC and there’s only one sport we have to pay attention to for the next two hours: FLOATS.

That Jackie Chan float sure bloodied up the Rose Queen float this morning, eh, Bob?

First touching montage of 2010:

On the first day of 2009, the sun came up in the East. It did the exact same thing in 2010, and you were face down drunk on the bathroom floor using your boxer briefs as a pillow. AGAIN. Only the tiles have changed. Happy….New Year?

This is a day to…

Enjoy fatherhood.

Ow! My face! WAAAAHHHHHH!

It’s also a time to make resolutions.

…to climb higher mountains!

…to forge wider streams!!

…to not daydream about throttling these insolent brats…as much.


No, you stupid little boob! JESUS! Your brain is like mashed potatoes.

I resolve to trash any books with words or numbers in them!!


I resolve to do more people’s taxes to pay for my Harvard education so I can responsibly fulfill my duties as a nerdy Asian child stereotype.

I resolve to do pushups to fix my webbed underarm fat.


I resolve to stop smoking marijuana.


…to smile less at the food kitchen. It makes people uncomfortable.


…to stop poisoning hobos.


…to stop paying for internet porn.


I resolve to not ask for money every time I write my dad.


I’m pregnant. Send me cash ASAP. LOVE

That was touching stuff. We open this years parade with a half diamond formation of cops blaring their sirens.

This looks like my neighborhood after sundown.

The police clear the way for the marching band. Sparklers! Roses! Flags! Giant representations of quivering labias!

And now! The hero who glided that jetliner into the river and saved everyone’s life! Captain CB Sully Sullenberger! He’s here because he wants to avoid publicity as much as possible he perfectly fits this year’s theme: A Cut Above the Rest. Personally, I would have chosen Dexter.

What? He deserved it.

Dressing like Jackie Kennedy while you’re driving around in the backseat of an open car with your popular husband just seems like a really, really bad idea.

What better way to start off the new year than with a tall, handsome, in shape guy giving a blow job ?

2010 is gonna be the best. Year. EVAAAHHH.

Now for some clips of Sully doing his gliding thing in the river and saving all those people. The commentators tell us about his reasons for coming here: he wants to show that ordinary virtues can overcome challenges. Uh…cuz a less moral person flying that plane would have been like “fuck it. We’re going down. Let’s get wasted and not pray and just all die.”
Let’s meet our commentators!! Part of the reason I wanted to recap this parade is that I heard on a commercial that Josh Elliot would be one of the talking heads. It made me proud that porn stars can actually legitimize themselves after all.

Josh Elliot

Well, that was a pipe dream. This is Josh Elliot with two t’s. Ugh.

Congressman hair = no sexy shots.

Hannah Storm? LOL. Let me guess. You do weather. Nope! She’s a sports anchor! What a wasted name. Elliott is telling us how long the parade is and what streets it’s gonna turn on, and Hannah smiles like everything he’s saying is just hilarious. Or she’s laughing at his hair. I choose B, just cuz it’s more fun.
Did you guys know that the floats aren’t allowed to use anything but organic materials? No dyes! No paints! Well, how green. Wait a second. What’s green about murdering millions of flowers for a parade? Gayest holocaust ever.

The “unofficial Mayor” of today’s event is a dude named John Naber. Could you unofficially lower street parking rates? K thanks. Naber has a Geraldo mustache and an obsession with making us look up his giant hairy nostrils. He needs to be stopped.

Nose hair is supposed to filter air, not completely block it. Mouth breather.

Naber tells us that the parade is that last Christmas present we all get every year. But it wasn’t on our three page list of requests. And it didn’t come with a gift receipt. And wait a second. This isn’t a gift! It’s a holocaust! I haven’t felt this betrayed since Santa told me it was “selfish” to ask for “more than my friends get” when I was five. Screw all of you people! On our way to our first commercial break, Hannah Storm teases “come back to find out how those gorillas got all that hair!” It’s called puberty, moron.

When I need to be close to people I just stand in a line somewhere, which is free. Suck it, Wachovia!

I think I saw this girl on the back of a milk carton.

EW!! Get a room!! This isn’t a bachelor party in Juarez!


Now you both have worms.

We come back just in time to catch the Ohio State School for the Blind Marching Band. Wow. They were formed cuz the School for the Deaf down the street wanted a band for their football games. It’s kinda perfect, actually. They can’t see the deaf kids boo them and the deaf kids can’t hear the blind kids playing “At Least We Can HEAR” by the Rolling Stones.

I pity the first blind kid who runs up and tries to read this sign. Poor thing’ll be stampeded.

I call bullshit! That one’s staring right at the camera!

The next float is from Donate Life, an organization that collects organs from dead people or something. I’m an organ donor, ain’t I sweet! Good luck with that liver, suckas! The float is supposed to be inspiring, but it’s pretty scary. Like that eagle is saying “donate your organs, or I’ll come into your room at night and take them my damn self.”

All over the float are pics of people who died and donated their organs to help save lives. The pics are made from seeds and stuff. It’s sweet and I won’t make fun of the dead kids. That’s called boundaries.

Oh yeah? You should see what I could do with the bottom of a pudding cup!

Now for some Marine bands coming together to march. They’re as fun and loose as you’d think they’d be. You really wanna smoke out Al Quaeda? Play this dreck at the entrances to their caves. That should do it.

Fine! We won’t terrorize anymore! JUST MAKE IT STOOOOOP!

Next up is the Marine Corp Mountain Warfare Training Center. That’s a really fancy way of saying “The Place that Teaches You How Not to Fall Off Donkeys.”

Right behind them is the “Marine Corps Pooper Scooper Brigade”.

They knew we were getting bored, so they sent Jack out as a Nazi. This is one disturbing ass parade.

The Jack in the Box float has a samba theme this year. It’s downright offensive.

The Rose Parade’s version of blackface.


What the frick?


Get your head out of your puppet’s butt. This is a family show.

The Rainbird Corporation won the beggest award three years in a row! They’re all about saving water. That reminds me. I left the sprinklers on. For a week. The float is called Mountain Majesty. It’s basically a giant watertank on wheels using fifteen hundred gallons of water to create waterfalls. Uh…I thought this was about conserving water! Hypocrites!! Maybe Al Gore will fly over in one of his jumbo jets to remind us to buy little plugin toy cars. Assholes.
The float also has gorillas made with Buffalo Grass. It’s badass. And it’s being glued on and the gorillas are being painted, which kinda kills the whole organic rules thing, doesn’t it?

I am sorry but we are taking back your award and giving it to Nazi Jack in the Box.

The float is real perty. I don’t see any waterfalls though. Just Jack Hannah screaming obscenities on the front.

Suck my d*&*k!

Naber is back on now, talking about the people who camp out overnight to get good seats. Uh, Naber? I think those are homeless people. They camp out every night.

Using trash cans to make fire for roasting cans of beans? Genius!

And now for the Macy’s Queen Float! Boooooring. They should have recreated that commercial where all the stars come eat at Martha Stewart’s house. The guy from the pic above coulda played Queen Latifah.

Hanna Storm tells us thousands of local girls auditioned to be on this float, and Elliott Not a Gay Porn Star says yeah, it’s every girl’s dream! Brats.

So no homely girls auditioned? Or is this just about exploiting LOOKS? I’M OFFENDED! And thankful. Funny how that works.

Fatten up or freeze to death. Those are your options. GO!

That microwave is one awesome mother.


I have this on mute, but wtf?


Facebook is totally about to go down on this dude in a meeting. Well, I never!


You devil!!


Way too hot to be single. Welcome to The Bachelor: Must Be Damaged. Coming this week!


You’re alone cuz YOU’RE INSANE.


A bulldozer? Interesting choice. I hope the blind kids start tripping and this rear ends the Macy’s Queen float.

Phoenix Satellite TV is up next with some weird Japanese food float. I’m hungry.

Yikes. Exfoliation is the key!


I don’t know what this has to do with satellite TV or Phoenix, but well done.

I haven’t watched a parade in ages, and I guess that it always escaped me as a kid that the floats are all put together as rolling advertisements for businesses. Duh. Who else would have the money? I get it, but it would be cool if real people had floats. Like my neighbor. He could just ride around on his bike holding roses and asking people for weed. It wouldn’t be as garish, but realism goes a long way. God I hate that kid.
I know I’ve already mentioned penii and gay porn about a million times so far, so I will restrain myself. But look at the top of this float! It’s like a preview for the DVD release of The L Word.

Batteries not included.

Bayer, the aspirin people, have come up with a turkey float, and I worry about a shooting.

If I was on security detail for this event, I’d keep an eye on the lady in the Sarah Palin hat.


This lady’s doing Cocktail tricks with a fiber drink. Poor Tom Cruise.

Mom, can I go stay at Petey’s house? Mom? Mom?

Rootbeer!

All they came with are buckets and bells.

The next float celebrates the end of segregation in the military. The end of segregation was a good thing (obviously), but I don’t know if Pasadena’s the right place to celebrate it. I’ve been to Pasadena many times and the most black people I’ve ever seen are on this float right now.

Elliott tells a touching story about how segregation in the military ended. Basically, they ran out of white pilots so they decided segregation was inconvenient. That’s a terrible, terrible story. It’s called revising history, people, look into it! Segregation in the military ended because all the old white racists realized they were ignorant and wrong and it was about time they made a change for the betterment of the world. See? Was that so hard?
And now for Honda, who is celebrating their green cars with a float that releases a year’s worth of car pollution into the clear sky. I approve, if only because it’s hitting the hippy Trader Joe’s float behind it.

This float won lots of awards this year, including Outstanding Achievement with Bodily Organic Materials. This entire dolphin is made out of dried boogars! WOWEE!

The next band is from Guatemala! We are shown a map so we can see just how far away Guatemala is from Pasadena. I hope they stored those rafts safely, cuz Pasadena is one rough and tumble town.

Please donate your social security numbers ASAP.

I’m yus keeeedeeeen!


A doable Sean Hannity.

Hannah Storm takes us on a tour of a rose garden and talks about all the volunteers it takes to pull this parade off. I try to listen to her, but all I hear is

Flipit, go on a diet you fat slut…

over and over again. So, Sally Bixby, how do you pick volunteers?

Casting couch.

I can fit this entire bucket in my mouth.

Awkward!


Dinner!

Wait! Before commercials, we get a shot of the stadium, which is waiting to be filled with fans. All I hear is blaaahblaaaahblaaaaaah.

Who has more ProTools work done on their voice: Miley Cyrus or Taylor Swift? Discuss.

I think I love you. So what am I so afraid of?


How bad do you want to be a volunteer for the Rose Bowl Parade?


Man, husbands can’t do anything right!


Bounty saved my marriage! Now I just need to get him to stop cheating on me.

And we’re back with a Trader Joe’s float covered in Honda pollution.

If you ask for plastic bags for your groceries, this fish will give you dirty looks.

Now for the cutest segment of the show. It’s all about little bulldogs! AWWWW! Never has getting snot blown all over you been more adorable. This is also the second time this morning women have acted inappropriately with dogs, which worries me for our country.

Not ok, ho!

LOL

Puppies slide down slides on snowboards on the longest float EVAH! They had trouble learning at first, but then Hannah Storm showed up at the top, started sticking her fingers in their mouths, and they hopped on the boards and slid to safety. Well done, Storm!

HELP! That lady’s a perv!

OK I was kinda joking about Hannah Storm being a perv, but now she has the dog’s head in her boobs. Good lord, woman.

This float is winning a Guinness Book of World Records award. They didn’t have one to fit, so they made up a brand new one. It’s called the Longest Single Chastity Parade Float?? Chastity? Did I hear that right? And why are they letting slutty Hannah Storm announce it? She should be on MeghansList.

Don’t bother curbing this thing. Trader Joe’s protested plastic bags at the event. Let it poop on the street. It’s called ORGANIC.

Hannah laughs to Elliott about how the media was obsessing over that float. Well their options were “Float With Cute Dogs” or “Terrorist Blows off Own Wiener on Plane”. What would you run?
Who Let the Dogs Out? starts blaring and Hanna woofs sluttily. Then we see the float!! LOLOLOLLLL. I am going to make a clip of this for myself and just laugh and laugh whenever I feel like running someone over.

F this thing! I quit!

I’m not your dancing monkey!


Watch the scaffolding you drunks! The unofficial mayor is up there!

I. Am so. SURE.

They all just want moisturizer tips.


Paula Abdul already found a new commercial series! Congrats!


Put down the scissors, monkey. Zebras are off limits!

Next up is the LA School District High School Marching Band. All the girls are pregnant and the guys just bang their trombones on the ground like heathens.

But it’s nice to see y’all in uniforms!

Drop the thumb, addict!


The only thing this is missing is a FORECLOSED sign.

Unofficial Mayor Naber shows us a table full of donuts. Thanks for that. No, really, you’re doing a great job.

As this float passes, Elliott tells us that we should stay tuned cuz “balls will be flying.” I’m not holding my breath.


My goal body.


Let me be clear.


Wait. What was he saying?

No idea, Elliott. Bring up one of those puppies for mama.


I keep waiting for one of these girls to knock another in the teeth, but it never happens. That Drew Barrymore movie spoiled me.

Wow. So this recap is getting really long and isn’t about anything. Besides, after the dog float how can they keep us paying attention? Let’s speed through and see.

Ando got a float!


Long live Bugles!


New Disease: Rodent Pink Eye. RUN


How come all the Asian floats got stuck at the end? Racism.


More semi pretty girls with rich parents. And looming above them, the STDs that will plague their twenties.


I’m with ya, kid.


Can’t….breathe….


On my honor, I will do my best:

To do my duty to God and my country and to obey the Scout Law
To help other people at all times
To keep myself physically strong, mentally awake, and

morally straight

Mommy, the Unofficial Mayor came into our tent breathing out of his mouth and wearing his underwear. WAAAHHHHH

Happy New Year and God Bless America, m’kay?

Hannah Storm, this was amazing. Thanks for wearing like five purple dresses in two hours. Really. Stunning work.

No, no. Thank you, doable Sean Hannity. You were a pleasure to fake smile at. Now get one of those puppies wrapped up to go for me, would ya tiger?

Happy New YEAR!!!! LOVE

….did this…

Christmas Miracle!!

All I really know about Susan Boyle is that she looks like a fat, unkept Donny Osmand and became an international sensation for singing a Patti LuPone song. Since it’s always been my dream to become an international sensation for singing like Patti LuPone, I thought this might be one biography I should snuggle up with this holiday season. Join me, won’t you?
Big gold letters splash up on the screen telling us that DREAMS. CAN. COME. TRUE!! TONIGHT. SUSUAN BOYLE. LIVES. THAT. DREAM!!!! Well, who hasn’t dreamt of having their biography shown on the TVGuide Channel? Glad to see someone get their chance. Now is Divine Design a rerun tonight or not? I don’t know. Because the TV listings aren’t showing. RIP OFF!! My dream was to watch Divine Design tonight and now I’ll never know when it’s on. Susan Boyle has killed the dream I dreamed.
Hey, you know when I said that Susan Boyle looks like a fat unkept Donny Osmand? Look what pic just popped up!!

LOLOLLLLLLLL!! Tell me I’m wrong.

Guess what this special is called? I Dreamed a Dream! Duh. I think they should have called it Photoshop Overkill: How to Go From Dowdy to Just Kinda Dowdy in Six Months.

Home Alone: The Golden Years

Whatever you do, Boyle, don’t use that pic on Match.com. If you’ve got five necks and rooster jowls, guys wanna know that shit up front. Hey! You’re a star now and we’re gonna put your face on billboards across America! Just hide half of it. Love ya mean it.
This is a live show with an audience and everything!! WOWEEE! The host is Piers Morgan. If he doesn’t tell me what time Divine Design is on I’m gonna be super pissed. He looks like a big bowl of orange sherbet.

How come spray tans don’t work on British People?

Piers tells us that Susan Boyle had a lurid sexual affair and a crack addiction. Kidding!! She had a DREAM!!! Let’s see where it began.

Like any good star, Boyle’s life began in the projects. Who says those places are good for nothing? I’m kinda jealous that I was raised in the middle class.

Sorry you’re stuck in the projects, pasty losers! Maybe you should try having a DREEEEAAAMMMMM.

Susan’s friend tells us (from Susan’s favorite place, a bar) that Blackburn is a close knit community and people there look out for each other. At least I think that’s what she said. She sounds like a low rent Dinner Theater actress playing Eliza Doolittle in Act 1 of My Fair Lady. I’ve heard so many fake ass accents over the years that the real thing sounds marble mouthed and ridiculous. Shots of the neighborhood. I’m depressed. Everyone’s overweight and cold. And they give old ladies black eyes there!

Stop Senior Abuse

Susan goes back home for this special all dressed up and made over. Bad move, as you can see in the pic below. A jealous poor person chopped her hand right off.

Marble Mouthed Friend tells us that Susan was a gorgeous child with good hair. There were signs of deviancy though early on. Here’s a pic of her molesting a bear.

Someone’s been listening to Tommy too much.

Violin music starts to play. Susan comes on the screen and tells us that she had a slight disability as a child that made it hard to trust people. Disability? Being shy isn’t a goddamn DISABILITY. Man, it sure didn’t take her ass long to become American.
She says that her “disability” made it hard to make friends, cuz she couldn’t trust anyone. That led to people making fun of her. The violins swell. I feel bad for a second. Here’s a disabled person that’s always been made fun of and here I am making fun of her. But I have a disability too. I’m very, very bored. WAAAAHHHHH!!!!

Watch out. You’re hair’s about to bite your forehead off.

Performing saved Boyle’s life, k? She got her start by going to bars and doing Paula Poundstone routines.

When Poundstone’s alcohol and child abuse charges started flowing, the only other option was singing.

Singing in clubs attracted some super classy dudes to our lady.

Ernest Goes to Blackburn.

Susan’s mom died in 2007, and Boyle lost it. Aw. I will not make fun of that. After crying for a couple years, Susan finally went to her now infamous audition for Britain’s Got Talent. The hosts say that when they first met her they said “uh oh another one of those.” Funny, cuz that’s what I said when I saw them. They meant “crazy person”, I meant “hacks relegated to reality hosting because their fart app didn’t get approved in the app store”.

Pull my finger.

Susan was nervous, and she dealt with the nerves by getting “cheeky” with the judges. Oh dear, I forgot about the groin swivel.

This should be the album cover.

Then Simon gave her that same look he gave Fantasia when she showed up back on American Idol cracked out and dressed like Ronald McDonald to sing some super crappy song off of her second album fail.

Shots of the audience rolling their eyes in disgust as she tells the judges she wants to be a professional singer.

How’s that glass house workin out for ya, fuggles?

Simon tells us that he heard the disgust in the audience behind him and knew that they were out for blood. Piers says he couldn’t believe that this woman was so delusional as to think she could be Elaine Paige. The audience went nuts for her, and the judges all got tingles. Both because her voice was stellar, and also because it was a rare instant where the cynical judgmental nastiness the world’s citizens have taken on as passable personalities was tuned on its ass for three minutes. That was a great moment. I cried. Then ate a lot. Then watched it again. Kinda cried again. Then ate more. I can’t explain it, but that moment both inspired me and made me gain a shit load of weight. For those of you who missed it, here’s the YouTube clip of it.

Back to the studio. Susan comes out to sing her first song and holy makeover. She looks less like a chunky Donny Osmand now and more like a thinner Rosie. Trying to poop after a week of being constipated.

Koosh balls for everyone!

The song is about how it’s her turn to fly and she’s now who she was born to be. I’m a star now so I can finally be happy!! Sounds about right to me. I will suffer from manic depression until I book a commercial.
Piers tells her what an amazing job she’s done and how gorgeous she is. That’s a long way from the look he gave her when he first laid eyes on her, two faced sherbet bastard!!

Did you guys know that Susan sold more than 4.5 million albums in two weeks? HOLY MOLY!! Meemaws across the world must be pissing themselves right now. I Dreamed a Dream is their All the Single Ladies.
So Susan, how does it feel living the DREAM? Why, bloody fantastic! She tells Piers about how she’s getting banged by lots of dudes under fifty these days with all their teeth and she’s never been so horny in her life. OK she doesn’t, but you know she wanted to.

Hey, these are the same symptoms dudes show while dating me! No fair!

Simon and Piers tell us how the internet went crazy when Susan sang. And now she’s everywhere! People! Star! Enquirer! Entertainment Weekly! Dog Fancy! The pressure was too much to take, and that’s when the cracks started to show. Susan went on stage in the semis and kinda lost it. She didn’t barf or pull out her hair or anything, she just didn’t hit all the notes. Simon or Piers don’t mention the time that Susan reportedly gave the TV the finger, cursed it out and stormed out of the hotel bar after hearing Piers tell the twelve year old Iranian kid that he was the best in the semi finals, or the time she told the police to fuck off and suck her dick, or the time she cursed out two strangers on the street. That’s kinda why I’m her fan, so I’m annoyed that they left all that out. Who else is gonna tell this cute talented kid to go run into traffic?

He deserved it!

Susan doesn’t mention any of that either, and it’s disappointing. She just says that at the time, she felt very suffocated. I blame the dress.

Who wouldn’t feel suffocated? You’re literally suffocating.

There was pressure everywhere! Piers went on a morning talk show and said “If Susan Boyle doesn’t win, I’m a donut.” And if she does, you’re a dough boy. Either way, there will be dough. Mmmmm. Caaaaarbs! Simon went to her dressing room before the finale and told her that she could quit if she wants and since she’s the red hot favorite she could maybe not win. Uh…thanks for the pep talk? She went out and gave it her all, and she looked really relaxed by the time announcing the winner came around:

And the winner is….NOT SUSAN!! Oh shit I forgot that. I totally thought she won. In a way she did. When do you think the next time is that we’ll see these dorks?

Simon says that when he looked at Susan after the winner was announced, he saw a look of “now no one will want me” on her face. That’s not the look I see.

At least I beat the little Iranian brat.

Susan tells us that she doesn’t remember the days after her loss. So the gaps are filled in with tabloid titles: Susan Axe Threat! Boyling: Susan is Hiding! Susan’s Collapse! Why Boyle’s in Rehab!

These flowers are SUFFOCATING MEEEEE!

Simon says that watching her breakdown in the weeks after the show made him rethink what he was doing with himself. Sure, he’s a hit producer, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel things! And by feel things, I mean he saw a way to make a quadrillion dollars off her crazy ass. He told her to wipe her tears and get her buns into the studio so he could record her album. The only thing she had to do was promise to either stand behind a really big ficus in her photo shoot, wear a paper bag over her head, or cup 1/2 her face with her hands.

C

Elaine Paige comes up on the screen and holy Rod Stewart!

I have crabs.

She was honored that Susan wanted to be as famous as her. So honored that she’s here tonight to sing a duet! I have my fingers crossed for Forever Young. NOPE! I Know Him So Well from Chess. LOVE THIS SONG! Have you guys seen Chess? They showed it on PBS, but it starred Josh Grobin so I had to turn it off. That is definitely a face for radio.
Elaine Paige can still sing her balls off, and Susan kicks ass too. Susan has a little problem with rhythm, but she’s whiter than zit puss, so it’s forgivable. Actually, it’s a huge problem. Dang girl count!! It might be that she’s singing with Rod Stewart. Anyone would be scared. That they would be infected with something.

AW! Wait…I itch.

Back to the bio part. After Susan got off the floor and dropped the bottle and got a prescription for lithium, she started to get better. Simon was excited about making a record, and Susan took to it. Simon says that Susan Boyle was definitely right to DREAM A DREAM!! He says he’s ashamed of himself for how judgmental he was before he heard her sing. Not that he’s gonna change that shit, cuz his shitty judgmental attitude has bought him many houses and women.

Montage of Susan’s fairy tale instafame in America with millions of fans. I could go into detail, but it’s basically a lot of this:

Susan was even surprised by a visit from her idol, Donny Osmand!! They sang together in her hotel room and then made out. It’s gross and touching. Now Susan is gonna sing Cry Me a River! Funny, cuz that’s what I was humming as I wrote about her “disability”. She handles this one really well, as she does. She even stays on the beat! Honestly, it’s a little lifeless and boring for me, but it might be because I had a valium and a glass of wine for dinner. It’s called a diet, ok? She has a new hairstyle, and no longer looks like a chunky unkept Donnie Osmand or a thinner constipated Rosie O’Donnell. She’s moved on to a pensive, clean cut Jack Black.

Piers asks what she wants to do now that she’s famous. She says she wants to snort the Himalayas and shoot hookers for fun. Also, she thanks the fans for all the support. Piers presents her with a Triple Platinum Record!! She cries like he just complimented a child.

And then she sobs. Now I’m getting teary. Wait a second. I don’t see tears! But she’s trying, God bless her.

This is Jordan Spanx crying if I ever saw it. Squeeeeeeze!

The last segment is about how how Susan Boyle is living…wait for it…HER DREAM! Susan’s on a plane! Susan’s at a photoshoot! Susan’s swallowing a Little Caesar’s Five Dollar Pepperoni Pie whole! Sorry. My dream. This segment is touching, until the moment Cameron Mackintosh, the giant Broadway producer, says that no single artist has owned I Dreamed a Dream until Susan. If Cameron Macintosh is found murdered this week, my first guess would be that Patti LuPone did it. And no jury would convict her.

And now for the big finale!! Susan sings Tomorrow from Annie. Or I Dreamed a Dream. With the London Cast of Les Miz! Holy crap that’s cheezy and awesome. Someone’s getting laid tonight. No, not Susan. This guy.

HAWT

The cast does a big number, which is kinda weird, but I suspect Cameron’s paying for this show so give him a little room. The cast clears the stage and Susan comes out looking like she’s gonna kick their asses each individually.

Before


During

After

She sings her little heart out, and I wasn’t sick of this song before this show but I never ever want to hear it again. Good lord make it stop. All in all, a pretty good show! It filled me with hope. Sure I’m in my thirties and I’m chunky and pasty. Those aren’t reasons I can’t one day play the lead in the revival of Miss Saigon. Lea Salonga, eat my dust!!
Thanks for reading you guys, and remember this Christmas season that being a loser is temporary. Sometimes. LOVE

If there was a cork big enough, I would stick it in there right now.

Hey guys! ChickBomb had some issues in the real world that made her miss Real World this week. I am stepping in because I know you need your fix, but I have to admit I am out of my familiar waters with this one. Don’t worry! She’ll be back for the next one!
We open with Scott driving while JD asks Devyn what she came to Brooklyn to do, other than be on a reality show and all. She says that she’s here to be an actor/singer and she’s “ready to open myself up in a maynor I never have before.” She doesn’t plan on on staying in New York because she doesn’t wanna “get suckered” into appearing on Broadway instead of “like sitcommy stuff.” Suckered into Broadway? I hope one day Kristen Chenowith beats the crap out of this girl. I see Devyn going very, very far. In that car.

WTF?

JD is in the back seat, and instead of saying “uh you’ve never done anything you ass” like a true gay friend would, he says that living in New York will be good for her because it’s a good place to get experience before you move to LA. She’s got double D’s. That’s all the experience she’ll need, k? She blathers on and on about how she’s not just some dumb girl who waits tables and hopes to be discovered, she’s studied theater, ok? AT THE COLLEGIATE LEVEL! How do people who graduate from college pronounce manner maynor?
Scott got the roomies invited to some special party and tells Ryan that he has to dress nice and not sing songs about tampons. Everyone gets gussied up and Sarah does Chet’s eye makeup. Seriously.

Draw him some eyebrows and cut off his dead two years ago fauxhawk and he might have a chance of getting in.

Ryan ends up in pleated khakis, a shirt and a tie, and a mustache. He looks like Katelynn used to.

Right?

We don’t see much of this special party. I suspect it’s because the cast showed up like they were at the Daytime Emmys when everyone else in Brooklyn dresses like dirty white kids with problems. Greasy hair and plaid. There is a lot of laughing heard in the background, and it’s most likely due to the fauxhawk. How Chet made it out of that bar un-bruised is beyond me. Brooklyn, you’re becoming a giant pussy.
Scott’s model friend is there, and Chet wants to hook up with her. He hangs all over her all night and tries to mack on her, but he’s, well, Chet. She does enough to keep the cameras on her, but she doesn’t even give him a kiss on the cheek. In all fairness, she might not have wanted to mess up his foundation. Ryan stands in a dark corner trying to not look jealous while telling us that Chet has no game. Chet asks Ryan if he should try to make Alex jealous by dancing with another girl. LOL. She’d probably be grateful that she can breathe for five minutes.

You shoulda worn the pink scarf.

Leggo my Eggo, slut!

Later that night, back at the loft, Baya encourages Chet to keep going after Alex and says that it was “fate” that brought them together tonight. HA. A, not together. B, it’s not fate when her best friend invited her somewhere with him, and C, all Chet can think about is getting his f ing makeup right. Chet says “Alex is definitely into me” .

You’re pretty and witty and…

He says that this could blossom into something very special. Cut to flowers about two days from dying.

The next morning, JD answers the phone and it’s some really weird, rude guy who wants to know where Sarah is but won’t say who he is or what he wants. It’s always the ones with the most relationship advice who have the most fucked up relationships. The minute Sarah said she wanted to be an art therapist, I knew she was gonna be a nutritious source of crazy.
The girls weren’t home for the call because they were out shopping. Sarah is trying to stop Katelynn from buying whore clothes, but Katelynn says that she has a cute ass so she needs to show it off. Sarah gets frustrated and just says no a lot. Chet’s with them, but he’s still in the closet and can’t be the gay friend K needs right now. I would hope that if JD was there, he’d grab K by the shoulders and say as firmly as possible “there’s a difference between dressing like a tranny hooker by the river and dressing like an actual woman, k? Put down the foot high platform pumps and get your bony ass to Express.”
In the car on the way home, Katelynn jokingly hits Sarah on the arm and Sarah says it was too hard. Chet says she needs to get conditioned. “To being hit?” He suggests that her boyfriend should get her conditioned. He’s joking, because he doesn’t know about her abusive past. She says her boyfriend would never hit her and if he did he would be out. “So you hold grudges.” Dude, wtf is up with Chet? He doesn’t even make sense. Sarah starts getting riled up and tells him that she has had an abusive past and her father hurt her many times. Chet says that she needs to learn forgiveness and let him back into her life. Wow. I don’t think I’ve actually wanted to see someone get gang raped and left for dead in a dark alley before. Well done, Chet! What an ignoramus.

Are we there yet?

So back at the loft, the rude ass calls again asking for Sarah and will only introduce himself as “it’s private.” She comes to the phone, and it’s her dad. Who, I’m assuming from the previous scene, sexually abused her. She freaks out and tells him not to ever call this number again and he says they need to do lunch and there’s no reason they can’t talk. She’s losing it. He says she needs to cut the drama. I only raped you as a child, what’s the problem? It’s nothing a nice bowl of rigatoni at the Olive Garden can’t solve. He says that she’s making an issue out of exaggerations and lies from her mother. Interesting. So she doesn’t remember being abused but thinks she was because her mom told her she was? And who gave him the number to the Real World house? I’d like to think we live in a world where sneaky interns don’t try to create drama by passing off digits to sexually abusive dads, but this is the Real World. Not cool.
She calls her mom freaking out about it and her mom gets super pissed and tells her that the roomies are going to have to screen her calls and “don’t be a victim! Be empowered!” Strong mom. I like her. Her tough love works and calms Sarah down. She tells us that her dad has called her every three to four months for eight years and just won’t get it into his head that she can never talk to him again after “what happened.” I only put that in quotes because we don’t know what happened technically. Not because I don’t believe it. Wow. This is a heavy season. Where’s the hot tub?
Sarah runs into Chet in the bathroom and tells him that her dad just called. One of the other roomies must have filled Chet in on what was going on, because instead of going on a bs “forgiveness” rant, he says that he can’t believe her dad would keep torturing her like that. Whatevs, you’ve lost all credibility with me. I hold grudges. On a side note, somehow, between this morning and now, he’s become three shades darker.

Just saying.

This is depressing.

I know, right?

Later that night, the roomies go to the only bar that ever lets them in, and Sarah is immediately annoyed when JD brings in “this….friend.” Or she’s annoyed cuz JD’s drunk off his ass. Either way, her annoyance is funny. JD introduces Chet as “the Mormon” and says that Angelique, the friend, is “flawless! She’s like the #1 transsexual in the world!” In case you’re not impressed yet, “she blows out Madonna!” LOL. Who wants to be the one to explain to JD that Madonna is not, in fact, a transsexual? Easy mistake.

JD continues on about how awesomely transsexy Angelique is, and adds “Katelynn’s nothing!” Not that he’s dissing Katelynn or anything. Cuz he totally loves her. Next up is Devyn. He introduces Angelique and says “She’s been on American Idol!” I’ll bet Simon had a fun time with her. She was most likely one of the train wrecks and still walks around telling everyone she was on American Idol. My guess is that there were a lot of “da doink!” and “boioioioioing” sound effects during her audition. Anyway, Devyn says that she’s a singer too and JD retorts “yeah but she’s much better than you!” Devyn says he hasn’t heard her sing yet, but JD says “I’ve heard you sing!” LOL. Devyn goes to Sarah and says she wouldn’t “like ever like blahblahblah” say that to a friend even if she was drunk “cuz like blahblahblah” and I’m all huh you are. I’m on the edge of my seat to see if anyone this season will be able to make an argument in complete English sentences.
JD takes his World Diss Tour outstide, where he keeps on about how Angelique is better than Devyn. Well, one thing I’ll say for miss Angelique is that she’s no lazy guest star who just wants to be in a few shots. She marches her butt back into the bar and gets on stage while JD announces “Please welcome the tranny that blew out Madonna! She’s fierce and fierceness fierces!” Angelique calls Devyn up to the stage for a game of “which one of these nobodies used to have a penis?” No one in the audience can tell, so they switch games and decide to have a singoff instead. Devyn starts. Amateur! You never start! She starts off ok, but by the second line she’s off key and nasally and basically just bad.

When you’ve embarrassed the girl who gets wasted and herky jerky Elaine Benis dances on the bar, it’s time for a lesson.

She gets some groans and semi boos as she sings the verse and then hands Angelique the mic for “I hope you daaaaaaaance!” Come on, Devyn! What are you thinking? You give away the money shot? Angelique nails it, well at least according to her tranny fannie.

I give you a nine!

Just in case Devyn didn’t feel dissed enough, here’s some more JD.

Sarah, who has apparently not had enough drama today, comes straight home to tell Katelynn that JD brought “another trans girl” out and said that she makes Katelynn look like “wha?” She never finished the sentence, but she didn’t have to. Katelynn doesn’t mind basically being called fug, but she does mind that she was outed to Chet, who didn’t know. Yeah, honey, you’re a complete mystery. You know who outed you first? Your Adam’s apple. Sarah says that Chet didn’t even seemed surprised at all. LOL. Oh my god I just figured out who Katelynn looks like! It’s been bugging me for hours. Christian Siriano from Project Runway!

Finally got rid of that haircut.

While the girls OMG and oh no he didn’t to each other, JD walks in eating a bowl of Fruit Loops. Fitting. Were they all out of Frosted Flakes at C-Town? She tries to start a conversation with him, but all he can say is “wizahhhaaa?”

Katelynn tells us that she feels super betrayed by JD. Get in line honey, cuz I think Devyn might have a better case. The next morning, Devyn is bitching to the roommates about getting called up on the stage without even having a chance to warm up. Cuz that would have really helped. That said, she’s right that it was rude of JD, and she cuddles up with him on the couch and tries to be gentle about it. JD almost bites his lower lip off. He knows he’s in troubs.

Wadn’t me.

Devyn tells him that what he did the other night was “so disrespectful, so dismissive and so dismeaning” woahwoahwoah, shoulda stopped at disrespectful, Webster. JD blames the alcohol, but Devyn says alcohol’s only an excuse for cowards. I would agree, but it means I will have to re-apologize for a lot of crap so I’m just gonna stay away from that one. Then JD tries to blame Angelique, but Devyn’s not having that one either. She says it was his fault for starting a rivalry with his words. Then he tries to blame Bush and Devyn reminds him that Obama’s the president now. She tries to end the conversation cordially and shake his hand but he wants a kiss and a hug. She won’t give it to him. HA. That’s what you get for being dismeaning.
Next we see Devyn at lunch with her cousin, who’s in the national tour of The Color Purple. Got suckered, eh? Cousin is very polite, even though she doesn’t seem too close with Dev and it’s pretty obvious that she’s being shaken down. She gives Devyn an address for a casting director and is very polite, and I can’t wait for her to see the clip of Devyn dissing Broadway and then losing to a tranny in a sing off.

It’s gonna rain on yo head.

Chet is on the phone with Alex, who’s calling about dinner. She asks if it’s just gonna be the two of them or if Scott’s coming. Chet asks if she wants it to be just the two of them and she says “whatever you want”. He wants to know if it would be preferable if it’s just the two of them and she’s like “uh….whatever. It would be fun either way.” Is everyone on this show fucking ten years old?

Now I’m gonna have to pick a bracelet.

He ultimately decides “no Scotts allowed” and tells us that she’s totally into him so the date will go smoothly. Cut to fireworks going off over the river. After one of the most juvenile and snore inducing conversations ever. The editors are smart asses. Later, we see Sarah answering the phone. It’s her dad again, insisting that she has been brainwashed by her mother into thinking he did things that he didn’t. So is this a case of latent memories? She says that she remembers exactly what happened and doesn’t want him to call her ever again. I wish this were a scripted drama so we’d get to the bottom of this. I am really curious about just what the hell’s going on. Oh, wait! We do find out!
After the commercial break, Devyn and Sarah have a heart to heart. And by heart to heart, I mean Sarah monologues while Devyn plucks her eyebrows. Sarah says that when she was a little girl, she was molested in day care by one of the teachers. She told her mom about it and went through therapy and learned to deal with it. Then her parents separated and her father started doing “things that just weren’t right.” Like this one time, he took her on a camping trip, just the two of them, and only brought one sleeping bag. She freaked out and told her mom to come pick her up and they’ve been trying to prosecute him for the past eight years but because he technically didn’t do anything they don’t have a case. “But he tried to!” Actually, no you never said that he tried to, either. You said that he only brought one sleeping bag. Look, I don’t recap this show for a very good reason. Mostly because it deals with real issues and I hate real issues. I’m just a fill in, and I’m not here to tell a molestation victim that she doesn’t have a right to feel pain and do whatever she has to do, but come on. Her father didn’t molest her! WTF? I’m hoping you guys have a lot of opinions about this, because I’m sitting here with a scrunched up face and a twisty turny stomach. Anyway, Sarah says that she feels like she’s been trying to get someone to listen to her her whole life.

Uh huh. Wait. What?

Sarah says that even her family members call her a liar and Devyn says that makes her very strong. Or f ing crazy. You decide. Later, Devyn gets a call from the casting director her cousin set her up with. Her mom sent a picture and resume for her. The casting guy wants to set up an audition where Dev will have two monologues prepped along with a song. She says that she is excited because his calling her personally must mean he’s super interested. Or that he doesn’t have a secretary. Quick, call your mom and have her learn two monologues and a song.
Later, Dev takes a hot tub with Scott. YAY hot tub! Welcome back! Devyn is something else. She preens and poses and is very careful not to submerge her star quality, er, boobs, so that Scott can have a chance to fall in love. She tells him about her audition. She’s so nervous because she has to learn all new songs! You have to sing one song. But it’s a cappella and that’s like the hardest way to sing ever!! Scott tells her it has to be easier than the “transvestite sing off”. Good lord man, transvestites don’t sing, they lipsync! This was a tranny sing off! I’m glad we’re all learning to get past our ignorance this season. Dev starts going off about how that was so unfair and Scott tells her that if she’s gonna be a pro she needs to be ready at all times and Dev argues that the tranny was “over prepared”. She’s sure of her ways because she’s accomplished more in her twenty years than the average person. Well, that’s true. Not many people can say they were publicly outchicked by a tranny.

And….wind machine.

Now it’s the morning of the audition and Devyn is walking around the loft looking like dog shit practicing The Star Spangled Banner. She’s way better than when she was up against Angelique. She’s also way hotter.

As she drives into the city (who drives into the city?) she practices her monologue about sharting her pants cuz she was so into a guy. LOL. Devyn’s cluelessness is really a beautiful thing.

This should be the entire hour.

She misses her turn and ends up in the Holland Tunnel on the way to Jersey and starts freaking out. “Who plans to go to Jersey?” HA. What a nimrod. Maybe there will be some casting directors at IKEA. She’s about half an hour late so far and the casting director is sitting all alone in a most likely rented out space waiting for her. It’s sad. For both of them.

This room is fifty an hour. I better get some good shart jokes.

When she finally gets there, she’s charming enough not to get a Payless loafer up her cornhole. The first thing CastGay tells her is that her resume type is so cheap that it smudges. Her mom’s gonna get an earful later. He asks what she wants to do and she says she doesn’t mind theater so much but she really wants to do film and tv. Perfect thing to tell a guy who casts THEATER! Oh man. She does a monologue about finding out she has HIV, and he tries to get her to be “real”. She can’t even be real in real life, so she moves on to the song. What? Where’s the shart monologue? He says he only has two minutes, and she explains to us that casting directors are very busy and never let you get through the entire audition. Especially when you’re forty five minutes late and they’re paying for the room by the hour. She says her song is only two minutes. Cut to a five minute long, painful note of the Star Spangled Banner. Ouch. Not good. CastGay is very sweet and doesn’t laugh in her face. He tells her that he will keep her in mind if something comes up, but he only casts “theater“. I wait for him to add “you dumb bitch” but he doesn’t.

Poor America.

Devyn gets home and tells the roomies about going to Jersey on accident. Ryan is mortified and says that being late is career suicide. Thanks, Pro! Didn’t he just show up at an audition with a friend in tow and then proceed to sing a song about tampons? Over in the phone room, Sarah is talking to her mom again about how she’s not gonna let her Dad bring her down. Instead, she’s gonna empower herself by volunteering for a victim’s rights organization. She googles “nyc alliance against sexual assault.” I am just going to not say anything right now.
She ends up volunteering to teach art at a community center in Harlem. She gets paired up with a cute little girl and they make some phallic art. Wait. This story line is disturbing me. Make it stop!

And I was complaining about writing a Heroes recap.

Time for Chet’s date with Alex. He waits for her in Little Italy. And he waits. And waits. He thinks he’s getting stood up, but after dark falls she shows up and they eat pasta. She feeds him and touches him a lot, and then they go back to the loft, where she immediately wants to know why he has a notebook that looks exactly like her blouse.

It’s either fate or you need to stop buying clothes in the school supplies aisle.

They flirt and cuddle and look at the Statue of Liberty. Alex is only nineteen and Chet says it’s good because she’s innocent. She says he’s more innocent than she is and he agrees. He’s never seen a naked woman before. When he asks when she wants to go home, she answers “when do you want me to go home?” “So you’re spending the night then?” They laugh, and she says that someday she will spend the night. Oh no you won’t, heathen!! I am surprised he didn’t get up and run away. He says that she’s totally attracted to him but he hopes she can respect his dating parameters. Oh for chrissakes. Just buy a training bra already, Nancy!
Later that night Chet tells Ryan that he really had a good time with Alex and Ryan says “yeah but you don’t wanna marry her.” Chet says that’s true. Ryan says the only reason you date is to find out if you’re gonna marry a person. Really? Cuz all this time I thought it was to get free dinner and fuck a lot. No wonder I’m single. These two are gonna be shocked when they actually leave the loft and go to more than one bar. Some other night, Katelynn, Sarah and Chet are driving along and the girls are giving him shit about not ever having sex or touching a boob or even jerking off. He says that people who don’t masturbate have nocturnal emissions, and he’s not ashamed. I really wish Ryan, his roommate, was here for this. His eyes would pop out. He tells us that people just don’t understand him and he’s sticking to his virginity thing til he gets married. “It gets harder every day.” I can imagine.
So there you go. Thanks for having me this week. Chicky will be back for the next recap. THANK GOD. I’m gonna go back to my regular schedule of not feeling things now. xo

Who do people tell you you look like? Julia Roberts? Durmott Mulroney? Anyone else from My Best Friend’s Wedding? That’s awesome! I get Charlie Brown. I’ve always gotten Charlie Brown. It pisses me off as much as it confuses me. So random. Just because Chuck is bald. And negative. And insecure. And has bags under his eyes, and has feet the size of saucepans, and wears horizontal stripes even though they’re totally unflattering and …DAMMIT. Alright, so you can see why I’ve avoided every opportunity to reacquaint myself with this movie since I was a child. If you were always compared to Jonathan Winters, would you want his poster on your wall?

No.

Since I’ve decided to completely change my life once the New Year comes round (I really mean it this time), I figured it was probably a good idea to face my inner Charlie Brown to know how to defeat him. As fate would have it, A Charlie Brown Christmas came on right in the middle of a large pepperoni pie with a side of cheesy bread. It’s a sign! No more paper bags over my head in 2008!
We open with the Peanuts gang ice skating together on the pond and singing in little castratto voices about snowflakes and Christmas and changing feelings and confusion…wait. Nix the changing feelings and confusion part. Where the hell did that come from? I go back a few seconds and press pause to clear my head. Focus, Flipit! Is that a g? Hey! They’re ice skating in a pattern! And it’s spelling something! Am I crazy, here?

Am I just lonely at this time of year and totally obsessed with homosexuality, or was Charles Schulz? I think we all know the answer to that. Charles Schulz made me obsessed with homosexuality.

Charlie Brown trudges after Linus in the snow, looking at the ground and stewing and waiting for his friend to notice how horribly depressed he is. He has double the baggage around his eyes as he usually does, probably after spending another entire night cursing God and asking why he has webbed toes and love handles and an unreasonably sized head.

Can’t you see I’m in PAIN here?

Linus just walks on in silence, not about to make the mistake of asking “what’s on your mind?” Pout all you want to, Linus knows not to trigger your endless ranting about the dangers and injustices waiting to strike you down at any moment. Ignoring his friend becomes tiring, so before he asks Chuck what’s up his ass, Linus takes one last second to lean on the wall and suck his thumb in silence.

Wait for it, and one, two…

“I think there must be something wrong with me, Linus.” Ya think? Linus bites down on his thumb and takes a deep breath. Here we go. Chuck isn’t happy, even when he knows Christmas is coming and he’s getting a lot of free shit. Is life just an endless longing for that one special day your mom fills you with resentment and disappointment by wrapping up some lame fug sweater instead of a gift that shows you that she might actually understand you’re a real live human being with feelings and dreams and not just some pudgy plaything to make fun of with her friends?

Wake me when you’re done, Ophelia.

Linus has no response, so he just acts like he’s paying attention and walks on, sucking his thumb. Charlie B goes on and on about wah Christmas I don’t get it I’m depressed waaaah. Finally, Linus turns around takes his thumb out of his mouth. “Jesuth Chwist woman shuth your faceth.” He’s over it, to the point where he sides with Lucy (the biggest bitch ever invented), who said of all the pussy ass crackers in the world, Charlie Brown is the pussyasscrackeriest.
The boys get to the pond, where the neighborhood kids are still skating and singing that creepy song. Charlie Brown tries to enjoy himself, but unfortunately his upstaging attention whore of a dog is there too, skating like he’s got spandex and glitter running through his veins. Damn that dog! He can do everything! Snoopy, embarrassed that the loser who feeds him is there to dull his shine, grabs Linus’ blanket and swings it around to catch Chuck in a choke hold.
Just when his “master” is about to pass out, Snoopy lets the blanket go, sending CB crashing into the snow. Instead of beating the hell out of his beagle or having it put down like anyone with a pair of nuts would do, Chuck takes the victim route and just stands there, waiting for the shaky tree behind him to dump the inevitable pile of snow on top of his head. Then Snoopy comes over and pees his name on top of the snow heap.

This would enhance your climax if you could muster up enough manliness to get wood, you WUSS!

The next morning, Chuck opens his empty mailbox to find not a single Christmas card. Jeez, kid, give the mailman time to show up and then complain. He feels like Christmas was probably invented just to make him feel like more of a looza, and I’ve felt that many many times. Christmas is the time I get to go home to questions like “how’s your career?” “when are you gonna be approved to adopt a couple of Asians?” and “did you gain thirty pounds on purpose?” F you, Christmas! I hope you go on a date with Valentine’s day and get into a fatal car wreck.
On his way to his shrink he runs into Violet, who just happens to be standing at the end of his driveway reading a Christmas card and giggling. What a bitch. I get a bit hopeful when Chuck’s face scrunches up and he scowls at her. “Thanks for the Christmas card, Violet!” Anger! I like it! Go with it! Violet says the steaming pile of dog poo she left in the mailbox wasn’t meant to spread Christmas cheer, but she’s glad he’s thinking positively. How rude. I hope she asks Christmas and Valentine’s day for a ride somewhere.
I’d like to think if he had a vial of acid in his pocket, he would have thrown it in her busted ass grill, but since he doesn’t, Chuck trudges on, finally coming upon Pig Pen. The freaky little mongrel is own little world as usual, making a snowman as clouds of dust and stink come off him. Is there no Social Services in this town? You know those little Japanese women who go speedwalking with paper covers over their mouth? They do that because of kids like Pig Pen. Bad American parenting=paranoid Japanese immigrants. Sit in front of an adorable little family on a plane with snotty mongrels coughing all over the back of your head and you’ll see their point. Dirty children are dangerous and must be stopped. Chuck can’t help saying something as he passes by, as Pig Pen is the one kid in town who’s even more untouchable than he is. He congratulates PP on still managing to surround himself with billowing dust even in a snowstorm. Pig Pen’s all whatever baldie, hope your under eyes have fun on that trip they over-packed for.
Even Snoopy ignores Charlie Brown, choosing to concentrate on bingeing on Milk Bones and reading the newspaper he stole from the neighbor’s yard after he dropped a deuce on their doorstep.

Putin’s gonna kick our ass.

When CB gets to the doctor’s office, she’s outside throwing snowballs at a can with Linus and missing every time. Linus puts a snowball in his blanket and flings it at the can. Uh, doesn’t really count when you hit the can with your blanket, Cheater Peter. Don’t use your crutch for evil, little man. Lucy tells her brother that he’s going to have to give up his security blanket when he gets older and face the fact that he has a pug nose and a lisp instead of living in denial and walking around pretending he’s a baby so it doesn’t matter, but he says he’ll just make the blanket into a cute dinner jacket and continue deluding himself into thinking he’s Butch Cassidy until he finds a nice girl with a penis to marry and have his babies. Ah, kids and their dreams of grandeur.
Charlie Brown, who ran out of lithium and needs a new prescription bad, stands by Lucy’s ghetto ass office twitching and compulsively touching himself, his bipolar manic depressive disorder at its peak. Lucy tells him that she’ll consider listening to his bs when he pays her fee up front as usual. This bitch is meaner than Dr. Laura. He writes her a check for a nickel and she dances around with it singing Abba’s “Money”. Hello, lithium? She bends him over and gives him a shot of meth to hold him over, and he’s like a new man.

Yay Abba!

She asks what his problem is today and shocker, he’s depressed. Her opinion is that he’s full of fear and lists a number of diseases that are probably wracking his mind, including Pupaphobia, Parturiphobia, Theophobia, Bufonophobia, and Medorthophobia (which are the fears of puppets, childbirth, God, toads, and erect penises, respectively). He says that her diagnoses are probably true, especially the childbirth one, but what’s really up his ass today is the hate of Christmas. She understands. She’s always getting a bunch of crap like clothes and toys and bikes instead of what she asks for: real estate. LOL, Lucy.
If he wants to not feel like such a dipshit on Christmas, he should get involved in the community and actually do something. You know, like direct a Christmas musical! Charlie Brown doesn’t know it yet, but Lucy has shown him one of the only places where insecurity, depression, neurosis and freakish looks are not only allowed, but celebrated: The Musical Theatre.

Do you think Patti LuPone won popularity contests in grade school?

Chuck’s feeling better when he gets home until he sees Snoopy blingin out the dog house. WTF? The dog has true Christmas spirit? Sweet! Nope, he’s just doing it because there’s a neighborhood contest to see who can make the tackiest Christmas house for a cash prize. CB storms off, offended that his dog would sell out Christmas for a little green and runs into his way cuter, way more popular little sister, Sally.
Sally talks in a Marylin Monroe voice and bleaches her hair, which means she’ll either grow up to be a country singer or a total whore. I love her and want to hang out with her, so I hope it’s the latter. She can’t write and needs her big brother to help her with a letter to Santa. She wants money, a rich husband, a winning lottery ticket, a mound of gold, a Rolls, and an Elmo doll. Charlie Brown, disgusted that she didn’t wish for world peace or for him to win a Tony in directing, tells her to shove her letter where the sun don’t shine. What’s the big deal with asking Santa for stuff? What else is he there for? That fat bastard’s gonna be a total drain on our healthcare system one day. We should milk him for all he’s worth.
Time for CB’s first rehearsal as director! He tries to lay the ground rules about respecting the craft and being in the moment for his actors, but then Schroder starts playing the only other song that plays in Peanuts Land (other than the creepy Christmas song) and the kids start partying instead of listening. Linus is dirty dancing with Sally, Violet’s doing a line of coke off the Frieda’s ass, hell, even the hunchback kid’s ignoring Chuck. Ew. What’s wrong with that kid? He looks like Charlie Brown, but he’s all gimpy and mohawked.

Cartoon character cloning gone terribly wrong.

Chuck yells at his cast and tells them to put their drugs and condoms away until after rehearsal and act like professionals, then he has Lucy hand out scripts and assign roles. The production this year will be the Nativity Story, but since we are in modern times, this Christian story has been amended to include other religions like Judaism and Scientology, too. Shermie will be all three wise men for the price of one and Pig Pen is cast as Xenu the Inkeeper with Frieda and her naturally curly weave as his wife, Kirstie Alley. And Just because Franklin has a cold and can’t perform doesn’t mean that the kids aren’t going to give a shout out to Kwanzaa too, so The Twelve Days of Christmas finale is nixed in favor of The Seven Principals of Blackness. This show is gonna kick ass.
Lucy tells Snoopy that he will be playing all the animals in the show, but she wants to make sure he’s capable of imitating them. He makes a sheep sound, a cow sound, and then starts humping Schroeder’s leg and telling the stage curtains they suffer from social anxiety disorder. Wait a second, that sounds more like Dr. Lucy than an animal. Oh, I get it. Howling at the moon’s not enough, Snoopy’s gotta prove he can play a bitch, too. Lucy’s not amused, and starts lecturing the room about respecting the director. Snoopy licks her face, which really sets her off in a tizzy. She screams “EEEWW!! I’ve got dog germs! Get some hot water! Get some disinfectant! Get some iodine!”

Get a haircut. You look like Eleanor Roosevelt.

The kids are left alone to memorize their scripts for awhile, and Linus is turning out to be a little diva. Not only does he not want to memorize his lines, he refuses to get rid of his blanket to play a shepherd, telling Lucy to give him five good reasons to do so. She, famously, counts all five of her fingers down into a fist. Hair pulling, nipple clamping, toe stomping, eyebrow plucking, and burning alive. He can’t argue with that. Wait a second, yes he can! He’ll turn his blanket into a shepherd’s headpiece! Damn. Linus lisps, acts like a diva, and makes fabulous clothes out of nothing. He should be on Project Runway.

You have offended shepherds everywhere with that piece of walking hell and will be put to death by sundown.

Charlie Brown calls places, which Schroeder takes as his cue to start up with that hack ass song he’s obsessed with. That song is like the Peanuts version of Celine’s Titanic theme, which department store DJs still insist on playing at least three times an hour. All the kids start their partying and dancing again, which Chuck nips in the bud right away. He stops Schroeder and decides to work on the music later. There are more important things to focus on right now. Like the cast.
Frieda’s refusing to do her makeout scene with Pig Pen because she doesn’t want to get her weave dirty. Charlie Brown tries to be a soothing, manipulative director by telling her to think of the stank like the smell of something exquisite, like a five star dinner or a can of Fancy Feast. She says PP smells like a crack ho’s ass crack and she’s not touching him.

I’m ready for my kiiiiiiiiissss!!!

He moves on to his sister Sally, who he hasn’t cast in a role yet. Since he feels a little guilty about telling her to sit and spin on her blank letter to Santa, he gives her the biggest gift he could ever give her. He casts her as Linus’ wife. Hearts start coming out of her head and she gets all swoony. Linus hides in his closet blanket and tries to pretend he’s invisible. Poor Sally. I can see her future so clearly…as a three hundred pound funny girl yuckin it up with a bunch of homos in a piano bar wondering if the one singing “Evergreen” will take her home and bang her senseless if she gets him drunk enough. The pattern of a fag hag starts very young. I had my first one when I was five, and I didn’t even know what a fag or a hag was. Holla, Amy Greenberg!
Speaking of hags, Lucy realizes that she hasn’t discussed her leading role with her director. No, not Jesus. He’s being played by the twins, 3 and 4. The Christmas Queen! CB’s like WTF what religion is that character in? Lucy says that she’s beautiful, so of course she’ll be the queen. Right? RIGHT? Charlie Brown doesn’t know what to say, because Lucy is the type to force you to call her beautiful on set and then sue you for sexual harassment. She takes his silence as a diss and freaks out, waving her finger in his face and screaming at him to watch his back for the rest of his life because she’ll always be right behind him ready to slice the second no one’s looking. I wonder what kind of man is going to marry this harpy.

There’s a prince for everyone.

Lucy realizes that CB is already low as a human can possibly go, so she cuts the crap and gets back to the task at hand. Becoming a star. Charlie Brown calls places and action, and the gang starts dancing to that f ing song again. Note to Schroeder’s parents, please get this kid some new sheet music. You’re killin me here. Charlie Brown finally loses all the resolve he’d mustered up for the project, and Lucy takes it as the perfect time to steal the job she suggested he take in the first place. There must be something else he could do, like…tick tock tick tock as she tries to come up with something. Anything.
He says that no one is feeling the true spirit of Christmas, and he thinks getting a tree might help. Lucy has an idea! Get a tree! Great plan, soul sucker. For those of you who weren’t aware, in addition to being the Christmas Queen, Lucy also invented the internet and discovered global warming. She tells him he would be the perfect person to haul in a six foot tall pink aluminum tree. Go! As he leaves, some little bitch tells him not to fuck up like usual and he gets general boos from his cast. If this was really a modern American school, CB would show up to class with a black trench coat and a rifle, but it’s not, so he just puts his head down and goes out into the cold to do what he was told.
Sally won’t stop grabbing Linus’ ass, so he jumps at the chance to join his friend on a tree hunt. They don’t know where to start, so they follow roaming searchlights in the distance. It’s a movie premiere! Something called The Golden Compass. Unfortunately, it’s already left the theater for a run at the dollar drive in by the time they try to buy tickets, so they keep hunting for trees. Eventually, they stumble upon the red light district, which is selling some of the most girly aluminum trees ever made. Linus gets a huge grin on his face and runs up to touch a big pink one to make sure he’s not dreaming. Charlie Brown, in awe, finally catches his breath to mutter “fabulous!” The boys look at each other in fear. CB say’s “I’m not…” and Linus is all “No! Me neither!” Then they cough and grab their nuts.

These trees couldn’t be gayer if they were shaped like penises.

There’s a tiny little dying tree in the middle of all the tacky ones, so the boys race to it and talk about Jessica Alba’s boobies. Linus thinks they’re bigger than Judy Garland’s, but Charlie Brown doesn’t know who Jessica Alba is. Awkward pause. Cough nut grab cough. If they took this tiny pathetic tree back to their friends, no one would confuse them for tasteful possible homos. Besides, the tree’s tiny, it’s losing it’s needles, and it’s depressing as hell. Charlie Brown can relate. To further solidify to each other that they’re all man, they leave the tree lot without paying. Hey! Christmas isn’t about free things! Wait…yes it is. Never mind. Go ahead with that burglary.
Back at the theater, Lucy is using her power as a director to force Schroeder to play something sexy for her on the piano. He plays her some Fur Elise, and she gets pissed. SOMETHING SEXY! He informs her that Fur Elise was written by Beethoven, who was a deep brilliant deaf man that died alone. What’s not sexy about that? Lucy, not taking the hint, asks for The Pussycat Doll’s “Dontcha”, but as he plays it , the ever talented Snoopy gets on top of the piano and starts doing backbends and grinding his little lipstick into their horrified faces. Beethoven it is.

But that’s the song that made me wanna be a str…never mind. Sad Horns.

Charlie Brown and Linus show up at the theatre with their not gay little tree, and even Lucy is shocked into silence. Unfortunately for CB, Little Rosie O’Donnell’s there to speak her mind. She calls Chuck a pathetic loser and throws a hammer at his big round head. For those of you not familiar with the Peanut gang, Little Rosie becomes much nicer and more submissive after Peppermint Patty enrolls in school. In a snap, the kids all jump on Rosie’s band wagon and before you know it, the entire cast of the Nativity Story are beating the crap out of poor Chuck and throwing Diet Coke cans at his head. As he lays on the floor bleeding, they laugh and laugh and laugh. Even Snoopy! Put that fucking dog down already!

For the last time this year, Barbara Walters is an Alzheimer’s ridden sack of bones!

Charlie Brown gets off the floor, wipes the blood off his face, and starts blaming Christmas for all his problems. It’s Christmas’ fault I’m alone and depressed and bald! It’s Christmas’ fault that I’ve gained thirty six and a half pounds! It’s Christmas’ fault I’m still making Rosie O’Donnell and Judy Garland hack ass jokes! DAAAAAMMMMMNNN YOU, CHRISTMAS!!!! Sorry. Projecting. Charlie Brown is so beaten down that he’s forgotten the meaning of Christmas. Luckily, Little Rosie’s on duty as the stage manager (typical) to give Linus a spotlight. He recites the Meaning of Christmas Monologue, which he has updated to fit in with the multi-denominational pageant. It’s tacky to quote a two minute chunk of dialogue in a recap, but this is really meaningful and it’s Christmas, so indulge me.

“And, lo, the angel of America came upon the shepherdth,
And the angel thaid unto them,
Unto you ith born this day in the city of Paris a Saviour, which is Neo Hubbard Friedman our President.
And this shall be a thign unto you; Ye shall find the two headed carmel colored alien baby wrapped in thwaddling clothes, lying in a manger.
And thuddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising The Thecret, and thinging,
Glory to whoever Oprah tells us to vote for in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward people of all races, ages, sizes, sexual orientations and thocial thtatuses. Except the terrorists. Amen.”

I press pause to go squirt out a couple wet things out of my eyes where no one can see me, and by the time I return, Charlie Brown has somehow figured out a way to take Linus’ monologue to be an anti-commercialism rant. I find it amusing and disturbing that this kid can’t shut up about commercialism when he’s made millions of dollars off of advertising revenue in the commercials for his touching little story year after year.
Commercialism is what makes Christmas great. If you want to rail against something having to do with Christmas, make it about being forced to go to church for two hours the night before or those goddamn old people who stand outside Costco with red buckets asking for money for homeless people all December long. I don’t care that the world is cold and hungry this month. I want an XBox.
Making matters worse, Charlie Brown comes home to find that Snoopy’s pimped out doghouse won the Cheesiest House on the Block Award, beating out even the Grizwalds down the street. Does he write a letter of congrats to his a hole beagle? What do you think?

Sometimes the road to happiness involves being happy for other people’s happiness, you dick.

He steals an ornament of the roof, which makes him feel better until the weight of it crushes his weak soggy stick of a tree and sends him inside to cry to his mommy. The other kids come over to his backyard, so still and emotionless that it looks like they might start the doghouse on fire. Then they loot it. Snoopy’s been a jerk today, but no one deserves that. They take all of the stolen goods and surround the stick tree, breaking it apart and scattering the wood all over the snow. Bastards!
But wait! It’s a new, better tree! And now they’re taking the stolen decorations and making it beautiful! Well, comparaitvely. Awww! Charlie Brown comes out of the house to find them singing around this tree, and he screams and curses the Heavens. If he had been paying attention, he would have realized that people cared about him and wanted him to look like less of a looza so they changed what they could about him pretended the rest didn’t matter for a day. That’s friendship. And that’s Christmas.

I love you, you’re perfect, now for Christ’s sake, CHANGE!!

Love you, gasmii. GodXenuAllah bless you and yours this season! HEART, Flip.

Who do people tell you you look like? Julia Roberts? Durmott Mulroney? Anyone else from My Best Friend’s Wedding? That’s awesome! I get Charlie Brown. I’ve always gotten Charlie Brown. It pisses me off as much as it confuses me. So random. Just because Chuck is bald. And negative. And insecure. And has bags under his eyes, and has feet the size of saucepans, and wears horizontal stripes even though they’re totally unflattering and …DAMMIT. Alright, so you can see why I’ve avoided every opportunity to reacquaint myself with this movie since I was a child. If you were always compared to Jonathan Winters, would you want his poster on your wall?

No.

Since I’ve decided to completely change my life once the New Year comes round (I really mean it this time), I figured it was probably a good idea to face my inner Charlie Brown to know how to defeat him. As fate would have it, A Charlie Brown Christmas came on right in the middle of a large pepperoni pie with a side of cheesy bread. It’s a sign! No more paper bags over my head in 2008!
We open with the Peanuts gang ice skating together on the pond and singing in little castratto voices about snowflakes and Christmas and changing feelings and confusion…wait. Nix the changing feelings and confusion part. Where the hell did that come from? I go back a few seconds and press pause to clear my head. Focus, Flipit! Is that a g? Hey! They’re ice skating in a pattern! And it’s spelling something! Am I crazy, here?

Am I just lonely at this time of year and totally obsessed with homosexuality, or was Charles Schulz? I think we all know the answer to that. Charles Schulz made me obsessed with homosexuality.

Charlie Brown trudges after Linus in the snow, looking at the ground and stewing and waiting for his friend to notice how horribly depressed he is. He has double the baggage around his eyes as he usually does, probably after spending another entire night cursing God and asking why he has webbed toes and love handles and an unreasonably sized head.

Can’t you see I’m in PAIN here?

Linus just walks on in silence, not about to make the mistake of asking “what’s on your mind?” Pout all you want to, Linus knows not to trigger your endless ranting about the dangers and injustices waiting to strike you down at any moment. Ignoring his friend becomes tiring, so before he asks Chuck what’s up his ass, Linus takes one last second to lean on the wall and suck his thumb in silence.

Wait for it, and one, two…

“I think there must be something wrong with me, Linus.” Ya think? Linus bites down on his thumb and takes a deep breath. Here we go. Chuck isn’t happy, even when he knows Christmas is coming and he’s getting a lot of free shit. Is life just an endless longing for that one special day your mom fills you with resentment and disappointment by wrapping up some lame fug sweater instead of a gift that shows you that she might actually understand you’re a real live human being with feelings and dreams and not just some pudgy plaything to make fun of with her friends?

Wake me when you’re done, Ophelia.

Linus has no response, so he just acts like he’s paying attention and walks on, sucking his thumb. Charlie B goes on and on about wah Christmas I don’t get it I’m depressed waaaah. Finally, Linus turns around takes his thumb out of his mouth. “Jesuth Chwist woman shuth your faceth.” He’s over it, to the point where he sides with Lucy (the biggest bitch ever invented), who said of all the pussy ass crackers in the world, Charlie Brown is the pussyasscrackeriest.
The boys get to the pond, where the neighborhood kids are still skating and singing that creepy song. Charlie Brown tries to enjoy himself, but unfortunately his upstaging attention whore of a dog is there too, skating like he’s got spandex and glitter running through his veins. Damn that dog! He can do everything! Snoopy, embarrassed that the loser who feeds him is there to dull his shine, grabs Linus’ blanket and swings it around to catch Chuck in a choke hold.
Just when his “master” is about to pass out, Snoopy lets the blanket go, sending CB crashing into the snow. Instead of beating the hell out of his beagle or having it put down like anyone with a pair of nuts would do, Chuck takes the victim route and just stands there, waiting for the shaky tree behind him to dump the inevitable pile of snow on top of his head. Then Snoopy comes over and pees his name on top of the snow heap.

This would enhance your climax if you could muster up enough manliness to get wood, you WUSS!

The next morning, Chuck opens his empty mailbox to find not a single Christmas card. Jeez, kid, give the mailman time to show up and then complain. He feels like Christmas was probably invented just to make him feel like more of a looza, and I’ve felt that many many times. Christmas is the time I get to go home to questions like “how’s your career?” “when are you gonna be approved to adopt a couple of Asians?” and “did you gain thirty pounds on purpose?” F you, Christmas! I hope you go on a date with Valentine’s day and get into a fatal car wreck.
On his way to his shrink he runs into Violet, who just happens to be standing at the end of his driveway reading a Christmas card and giggling. What a bitch. I get a bit hopeful when Chuck’s face scrunches up and he scowls at her. “Thanks for the Christmas card, Violet!” Anger! I like it! Go with it! Violet says the steaming pile of dog poo she left in the mailbox wasn’t meant to spread Christmas cheer, but she’s glad he’s thinking positively. How rude. I hope she asks Christmas and Valentine’s day for a ride somewhere.
I’d like to think if he had a vial of acid in his pocket, he would have thrown it in her busted ass grill, but since he doesn’t, Chuck trudges on, finally coming upon Pig Pen. The freaky little mongrel is own little world as usual, making a snowman as clouds of dust and stink come off him. Is there no Social Services in this town? You know those little Japanese women who go speedwalking with paper covers over their mouth? They do that because of kids like Pig Pen. Bad American parenting=paranoid Japanese immigrants. Sit in front of an adorable little family on a plane with snotty mongrels coughing all over the back of your head and you’ll see their point. Dirty children are dangerous and must be stopped. Chuck can’t help saying something as he passes by, as Pig Pen is the one kid in town who’s even more untouchable than he is. He congratulates PP on still managing to surround himself with billowing dust even in a snowstorm. Pig Pen’s all whatever baldie, hope your under eyes have fun on that trip they over-packed for.
Even Snoopy ignores Charlie Brown, choosing to concentrate on bingeing on Milk Bones and reading the newspaper he stole from the neighbor’s yard after he dropped a deuce on their doorstep.

Putin’s gonna kick our ass.

When CB gets to the doctor’s office, she’s outside throwing snowballs at a can with Linus and missing every time. Linus puts a snowball in his blanket and flings it at the can. Uh, doesn’t really count when you hit the can with your blanket, Cheater Peter. Don’t use your crutch for evil, little man. Lucy tells her brother that he’s going to have to give up his security blanket when he gets older and face the fact that he has a pug nose and a lisp instead of living in denial and walking around pretending he’s a baby so it doesn’t matter, but he says he’ll just make the blanket into a cute dinner jacket and continue deluding himself into thinking he’s Butch Cassidy until he finds a nice girl with a penis to marry and have his babies. Ah, kids and their dreams of grandeur.
Charlie Brown, who ran out of lithium and needs a new prescription bad, stands by Lucy’s ghetto ass office twitching and compulsively touching himself, his bipolar manic depressive disorder at its peak. Lucy tells him that she’ll consider listening to his bs when he pays her fee up front as usual. This bitch is meaner than Dr. Laura. He writes her a check for a nickel and she dances around with it singing Abba’s “Money”. Hello, lithium? She bends him over and gives him a shot of meth to hold him over, and he’s like a new man.

Yay Abba!

She asks what his problem is today and shocker, he’s depressed. Her opinion is that he’s full of fear and lists a number of diseases that are probably wracking his mind, including Pupaphobia, Parturiphobia, Theophobia, Bufonophobia, and Medorthophobia (which are the fears of puppets, childbirth, God, toads, and erect penises, respectively). He says that her diagnoses are probably true, especially the childbirth one, but what’s really up his ass today is the hate of Christmas. She understands. She’s always getting a bunch of crap like clothes and toys and bikes instead of what she asks for: real estate. LOL, Lucy.
If he wants to not feel like such a dipshit on Christmas, he should get involved in the community and actually do something. You know, like direct a Christmas musical! Charlie Brown doesn’t know it yet, but Lucy has shown him one of the only places where insecurity, depression, neurosis and freakish looks are not only allowed, but celebrated: The Musical Theatre.

Do you think Patti LuPone won popularity contests in grade school?

Chuck’s feeling better when he gets home until he sees Snoopy blingin out the dog house. WTF? The dog has true Christmas spirit? Sweet! Nope, he’s just doing it because there’s a neighborhood contest to see who can make the tackiest Christmas house for a cash prize. CB storms off, offended that his dog would sell out Christmas for a little green and runs into his way cuter, way more popular little sister, Sally.
Sally talks in a Marylin Monroe voice and bleaches her hair, which means she’ll either grow up to be a country singer or a total whore. I love her and want to hang out with her, so I hope it’s the latter. She can’t write and needs her big brother to help her with a letter to Santa. She wants money, a rich husband, a winning lottery ticket, a mound of gold, a Rolls, and an Elmo doll. Charlie Brown, disgusted that she didn’t wish for world peace or for him to win a Tony in directing, tells her to shove her letter where the sun don’t shine. What’s the big deal with asking Santa for stuff? What else is he there for? That fat bastard’s gonna be a total drain on our healthcare system one day. We should milk him for all he’s worth.
Time for CB’s first rehearsal as director! He tries to lay the ground rules about respecting the craft and being in the moment for his actors, but then Schroder starts playing the only other song that plays in Peanuts Land (other than the creepy Christmas song) and the kids start partying instead of listening. Linus is dirty dancing with Sally, Violet’s doing a line of coke off the Frieda’s ass, hell, even the hunchback kid’s ignoring Chuck. Ew. What’s wrong with that kid? He looks like Charlie Brown, but he’s all gimpy and mohawked.

Cartoon character cloning gone terribly wrong.

Chuck yells at his cast and tells them to put their drugs and condoms away until after rehearsal and act like professionals, then he has Lucy hand out scripts and assign roles. The production this year will be the Nativity Story, but since we are in modern times, this Christian story has been amended to include other religions like Judaism and Scientology, too. Shermie will be all three wise men for the price of one and Pig Pen is cast as Xenu the Inkeeper with Frieda and her naturally curly weave as his wife, Kirstie Alley. And Just because Franklin has a cold and can’t perform doesn’t mean that the kids aren’t going to give a shout out to Kwanzaa too, so The Twelve Days of Christmas finale is nixed in favor of The Seven Principals of Blackness. This show is gonna kick ass.
Lucy tells Snoopy that he will be playing all the animals in the show, but she wants to make sure he’s capable of imitating them. He makes a sheep sound, a cow sound, and then starts humping Schroeder’s leg and telling the stage curtains they suffer from social anxiety disorder. Wait a second, that sounds more like Dr. Lucy than an animal. Oh, I get it. Howling at the moon’s not enough, Snoopy’s gotta prove he can play a bitch, too. Lucy’s not amused, and starts lecturing the room about respecting the director. Snoopy licks her face, which really sets her off in a tizzy. She screams “EEEWW!! I’ve got dog germs! Get some hot water! Get some disinfectant! Get some iodine!”

Get a haircut. You look like Eleanor Roosevelt.

The kids are left alone to memorize their scripts for awhile, and Linus is turning out to be a little diva. Not only does he not want to memorize his lines, he refuses to get rid of his blanket to play a shepherd, telling Lucy to give him five good reasons to do so. She, famously, counts all five of her fingers down into a fist. Hair pulling, nipple clamping, toe stomping, eyebrow plucking, and burning alive. He can’t argue with that. Wait a second, yes he can! He’ll turn his blanket into a shepherd’s headpiece! Damn. Linus lisps, acts like a diva, and makes fabulous clothes out of nothing. He should be on Project Runway.

You have offended shepherds everywhere with that piece of walking hell and will be put to death by sundown.

Charlie Brown calls places, which Schroeder takes as his cue to start up with that hack ass song he’s obsessed with. That song is like the Peanuts version of Celine’s Titanic theme, which department store DJs still insist on playing at least three times an hour. All the kids start their partying and dancing again, which Chuck nips in the bud right away. He stops Schroeder and decides to work on the music later. There are more important things to focus on right now. Like the cast.
Frieda’s refusing to do her makeout scene with Pig Pen because she doesn’t want to get her weave dirty. Charlie Brown tries to be a soothing, manipulative director by telling her to think of the stank like the smell of something exquisite, like a five star dinner or a can of Fancy Feast. She says PP smells like a crack ho’s ass crack and she’s not touching him.

I’m ready for my kiiiiiiiiissss!!!

He moves on to his sister Sally, who he hasn’t cast in a role yet. Since he feels a little guilty about telling her to sit and spin on her blank letter to Santa, he gives her the biggest gift he could ever give her. He casts her as Linus’ wife. Hearts start coming out of her head and she gets all swoony. Linus hides in his closet blanket and tries to pretend he’s invisible. Poor Sally. I can see her future so clearly…as a three hundred pound funny girl yuckin it up with a bunch of homos in a piano bar wondering if the one singing “Evergreen” will take her home and bang her senseless if she gets him drunk enough. The pattern of a fag hag starts very young. I had my first one when I was five, and I didn’t even know what a fag or a hag was. Holla, Amy Greenberg!
Speaking of hags, Lucy realizes that she hasn’t discussed her leading role with her director. No, not Jesus. He’s being played by the twins, 3 and 4. The Christmas Queen! CB’s like WTF what religion is that character in? Lucy says that she’s beautiful, so of course she’ll be the queen. Right? RIGHT? Charlie Brown doesn’t know what to say, because Lucy is the type to force you to call her beautiful on set and then sue you for sexual harassment. She takes his silence as a diss and freaks out, waving her finger in his face and screaming at him to watch his back for the rest of his life because she’ll always be right behind him ready to slice the second no one’s looking. I wonder what kind of man is going to marry this harpy.

There’s a prince for everyone.

Lucy realizes that CB is already low as a human can possibly go, so she cuts the crap and gets back to the task at hand. Becoming a star. Charlie Brown calls places and action, and the gang starts dancing to that f ing song again. Note to Schroeder’s parents, please get this kid some new sheet music. You’re killin me here. Charlie Brown finally loses all the resolve he’d mustered up for the project, and Lucy takes it as the perfect time to steal the job she suggested he take in the first place. There must be something else he could do, like…tick tock tick tock as she tries to come up with something. Anything.
He says that no one is feeling the true spirit of Christmas, and he thinks getting a tree might help. Lucy has an idea! Get a tree! Great plan, soul sucker. For those of you who weren’t aware, in addition to being the Christmas Queen, Lucy also invented the internet and discovered global warming. She tells him he would be the perfect person to haul in a six foot tall pink aluminum tree. Go! As he leaves, some little bitch tells him not to fuck up like usual and he gets general boos from his cast. If this was really a modern American school, CB would show up to class with a black trench coat and a rifle, but it’s not, so he just puts his head down and goes out into the cold to do what he was told.
Sally won’t stop grabbing Linus’ ass, so he jumps at the chance to join his friend on a tree hunt. They don’t know where to start, so they follow roaming searchlights in the distance. It’s a movie premiere! Something called The Golden Compass. Unfortunately, it’s already left the theater for a run at the dollar drive in by the time they try to buy tickets, so they keep hunting for trees. Eventually, they stumble upon the red light district, which is selling some of the most girly aluminum trees ever made. Linus gets a huge grin on his face and runs up to touch a big pink one to make sure he’s not dreaming. Charlie Brown, in awe, finally catches his breath to mutter “fabulous!” The boys look at each other in fear. CB say’s “I’m not…” and Linus is all “No! Me neither!” Then they cough and grab their nuts.

These trees couldn’t be gayer if they were shaped like penises.

There’s a tiny little dying tree in the middle of all the tacky ones, so the boys race to it and talk about Jessica Alba’s boobies. Linus thinks they’re bigger than Judy Garland’s, but Charlie Brown doesn’t know who Jessica Alba is. Awkward pause. Cough nut grab cough. If they took this tiny pathetic tree back to their friends, no one would confuse them for tasteful possible homos. Besides, the tree’s tiny, it’s losing it’s needles, and it’s depressing as hell. Charlie Brown can relate. To further solidify to each other that they’re all man, they leave the tree lot without paying. Hey! Christmas isn’t about free things! Wait…yes it is. Never mind. Go ahead with that burglary.
Back at the theater, Lucy is using her power as a director to force Schroeder to play something sexy for her on the piano. He plays her some Fur Elise, and she gets pissed. SOMETHING SEXY! He informs her that Fur Elise was written by Beethoven, who was a deep brilliant deaf man that died alone. What’s not sexy about that? Lucy, not taking the hint, asks for The Pussycat Doll’s “Dontcha”, but as he plays it , the ever talented Snoopy gets on top of the piano and starts doing backbends and grinding his little lipstick into their horrified faces. Beethoven it is.

But that’s the song that made me wanna be a str…never mind. Sad Horns.

Charlie Brown and Linus show up at the theatre with their not gay little tree, and even Lucy is shocked into silence. Unfortunately for CB, Little Rosie O’Donnell’s there to speak her mind. She calls Chuck a pathetic loser and throws a hammer at his big round head. For those of you not familiar with the Peanut gang, Little Rosie becomes much nicer and more submissive after Peppermint Patty enrolls in school. In a snap, the kids all jump on Rosie’s band wagon and before you know it, the entire cast of the Nativity Story are beating the crap out of poor Chuck and throwing Diet Coke cans at his head. As he lays on the floor bleeding, they laugh and laugh and laugh. Even Snoopy! Put that fucking dog down already!

For the last time this year, Barbara Walters is an Alzheimer’s ridden sack of bones!

Charlie Brown gets off the floor, wipes the blood off his face, and starts blaming Christmas for all his problems. It’s Christmas’ fault I’m alone and depressed and bald! It’s Christmas’ fault that I’ve gained thirty six and a half pounds! It’s Christmas’ fault I’m still making Rosie O’Donnell and Judy Garland hack ass jokes! DAAAAAMMMMMNNN YOU, CHRISTMAS!!!! Sorry. Projecting. Charlie Brown is so beaten down that he’s forgotten the meaning of Christmas. Luckily, Little Rosie’s on duty as the stage manager (typical) to give Linus a spotlight. He recites the Meaning of Christmas Monologue, which he has updated to fit in with the multi-denominational pageant. It’s tacky to quote a two minute chunk of dialogue in a recap, but this is really meaningful and it’s Christmas, so indulge me.

“And, lo, the angel of America came upon the shepherdth,
And the angel thaid unto them,
Unto you ith born this day in the city of Paris a Saviour, which is Neo Hubbard Friedman our President.
And this shall be a thign unto you; Ye shall find the two headed carmel colored alien baby wrapped in thwaddling clothes, lying in a manger.
And thuddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising The Thecret, and thinging,
Glory to whoever Oprah tells us to vote for in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward people of all races, ages, sizes, sexual orientations and thocial thtatuses. Except the terrorists. Amen.”

I press pause to go squirt out a couple wet things out of my eyes where no one can see me, and by the time I return, Charlie Brown has somehow figured out a way to take Linus’ monologue to be an anti-commercialism rant. I find it amusing and disturbing that this kid can’t shut up about commercialism when he’s made millions of dollars off of advertising revenue in the commercials for his touching little story year after year.
Commercialism is what makes Christmas great. If you want to rail against something having to do with Christmas, make it about being forced to go to church for two hours the night before or those goddamn old people who stand outside Costco with red buckets asking for money for homeless people all December long. I don’t care that the world is cold and hungry this month. I want an XBox.
Making matters worse, Charlie Brown comes home to find that Snoopy’s pimped out doghouse won the Cheesiest House on the Block Award, beating out even the Grizwalds down the street. Does he write a letter of congrats to his a hole beagle? What do you think?

Sometimes the road to happiness involves being happy for other people’s happiness, you dick.

He steals an ornament of the roof, which makes him feel better until the weight of it crushes his weak soggy stick of a tree and sends him inside to cry to his mommy. The other kids come over to his backyard, so still and emotionless that it looks like they might start the doghouse on fire. Then they loot it. Snoopy’s been a jerk today, but no one deserves that. They take all of the stolen goods and surround the stick tree, breaking it apart and scattering the wood all over the snow. Bastards!
But wait! It’s a new, better tree! And now they’re taking the stolen decorations and making it beautiful! Well, comparaitvely. Awww! Charlie Brown comes out of the house to find them singing around this tree, and he screams and curses the Heavens. If he had been paying attention, he would have realized that people cared about him and wanted him to look like less of a looza so they changed what they could about him pretended the rest didn’t matter for a day. That’s friendship. And that’s Christmas.

I love you, you’re perfect, now for Christ’s sake, CHANGE!!

Love you, gasmii. GodXenuAllah bless you and yours this season! HEART, Flip.

Anyhoo, no more time to waste. We have a very (typical) happening episode of The Real World to get underway, so let’s do this!

Previously on The Real World: Trishelle noted that Frank didn’t have a type (got a giner? Come on over!) and poor Brynn sat by the pool burping her baby and considering drowning it to go back to her life of dirty, dirty dancing. Do it! There are only two episodes left! Something exciting has to happen at some point this season!

Get rid of that thing, already!

Frank tells us that what you’re supposed to do in Vegas (when you’ve been ragged on for the past few years for being a Ken Doll crotched wuss with no game) is get as wasted as possible and make out with strangers in a bar. He tells one hook up “If I never see you again, great ass!” Then he falls down. Ouch. It hurts when good boys try to be bad. Steven’s pretty grossed out. As he explains it, the drunker you get, the more hideous your lays get.

I’ll have 19 vodka tonics, please.

Frank and Steven try to decide which uggo ho they brought home has an STD and Steven guesses it’s the one he banged. She denies it, but he basically tells her she may not have had one, but she does now. EW! That would be funny if I didn’t know in my soul that Frank has become a petri dish. I’m going to soak my privates in rubbing alcohol. BRB.

Arissa and Brynn have girl time in the bathroom. Arissa says that seeing Brynn with a baby makes her want one and Brynn snaps “WAIT!” LOL. Don’t worry. Arissa is gonna wait until she’s ready. Or until she finds someone drunk enough to fill her turkey baster. Brynn says that once you have a kid, you only hang out with people who have kids, and then that’s all you talk about and soon you don’t know how to relate to anyone else in the world. Arissa already has that problem, so maybe it is time to fertilize.

Today, the roomies get to attend the Real World 20 casting call! EXCITING!! Alton decides he hasn’t been getting enough attention this year, so he puts on this mask:

Oh, Alton. You’re such a card.

Down at the nightclub, the casting director is telling the roomies what to look for in a contestant. They have to be charismatic, and they have to have a lot of depth. Frank and I say “Yeah, right” at the exact same time. Jinx! Frank owes me a Coke! BTW, he looks like complete crap.

Looks like you caught a bad case of the uggo from your last lay.

Trishelle talks the girls into finding Frank a ho for the night. Well, she says she wants to find him a nice girl, “not a Vegas girl” or a B actress. Honey, I don’t think a nice girl’s gonna go up to the room to f**k your friend, but what do I know?

You’re hired!

The girls get to judge one group, and the boys get another. One girl likes to be in public, one’s addicted to sex, and one severely homely girl says she’s the coolest person she knows. Her friends must all look like this:

They don’t have much luck finding a girl for Frank until the very end.

Sure! I’ll blow your friend for a callback!

Brynn looks severely depressed looking at this girl. Neither the guys or the gals find anyone right for the show, but Trishelle proudly tells Frank that they found a couple girls for him to date. He thinks that makes him look like a loser. No, Frank. This does:

Trishelle’s also gonna take him to the spa to get him pretty and he asks “What could they make better?”

Seriously?

There’s a Pretty Woman montage of Frank trying on everything he can in the Playboy store, but he never gets to the after part. You can put prints, pink, silk, or leather on a cracker, but it’s still a cracker.

Alton calls George Maloof and asks him if the roomies can use the Hugh Hefner suite for the night. Pretty please!?!?! He says yes, and the only one without a smile on her face is Brynn. She tells Irulan that she just misses her husband and her baby, but you know she’s thinking “what’s the point of going to the Hef suite if I’m not gonna be able to get wasted and grind up on all the boys?” Baby in the pool, that’s all I’ll say.

Frank has a shitty attitude about date night. Trishelle has reserved him a sweet table at a restaurant where he will get to try out three different girls. One for the first course, one for the second, and one for the third. He doesn’t want to find a good girl! He just dumped one before he came back to Vegas and he’s a PARTY ANIMAL now! Don’t you people GET IT??

His first date looks like a young chicano boy dressed like he’s trying to sell his culo on Santa Monica Blvd.

Sorry, but this is a boy.

Frank’s first question is: “Did you watch me on the other season I was on?” LOL. This guy is the biggest tool in the shed, fo sho. She never watched it, and he’s glad she didn’t, because then she wouldn’t understand his transformation into the STUD that he is now. He’s pretty mortified with Trishelle when he finds out this girl’s a substitute teacher and part time gogo dancer. “What do you want me to do? Date a gogo dancer in Vegas?” It’s what a TIGER would do.

Steven would pick date #2, because she seems like the biggest alchie ho of the bunch. She’s gonna get crazy and order Frank a Yager Bomb! Oy.

Ms. Winehouse, your table is waiting.

Frank tells Trishelle that she hasn’t picked one hot girl. She tells him a hot girl in Vegas is anyone drunk enough to do Frank and brings on the next victim.

I have to say, date #3 is by far the classiest girl there, and turns out she’s Miss Alaska! Too bad Frank’s gonna be wasted from all the Yager bombs. This should be fun.

I hope for your sake they don’t have MTV in Alaska.

Wow, is it me, or does Frank look smitten?

Sorry, I meant shitfaced.

To prove to the cute girl that he’s not some wussy Midwestern cheese head, he starts throwing limes off the balcony at Steven and his other two dates. Classy. Steven returns fire and whacks Frank right in the head. Miss Alaska seems to like him, but he gives her the thumbs down. So what if she’s Miss Alaska? There’s like two chicks in the whole state. Good point. I almost feel sorry for the girl, but then relief washes over me. Miss Alaska won’t be getting herpes tonight.

Trishelle and Steven do the letting the girls down part for him. Frank said he was stud, not a man. They tell the girls that Frank’s too drunk and needs to go to bed. The alchie chick is pissed and shouts “Liar! Who does that?” Fuys with NO RESPECT FOR YOUR SLUTTY DRUNK ASS. GO HOME.

All the roomies go up to the Hef suite, and it is PHAT. Brynn is obsessed with the pool that overlooks Vegas (woops! I dropped my baby!) and Trishelle feels honored just to be in the room. She got naked for Hef and the only way to she got into that suite was through Alton’s smile. Aww! Take it on the waddle, hon.

Before you know it, the suite is filled with Spring Break extras. None of them are ugly enough for Frank to have sex with or drop dead gorgeous enough to date, so they clear the suite and leave. I mean, have you seen the girls Frank dates? They’re beautiful! UGH.

Everyone decides that Brynn and Austin should take the suite for a romantic getaway, and they say “Go make another baby!” Brynn slurs “That’s the last thing I need” and Austin says “Don’t even talk like that!” That’s one lucky kid you guys got there. Trishelle is glad that she was able to hook Brynn up with the pad, because she probably doesn’t get any anymore. “Actually, she told me she doesn’t.”

OUCH.

Next week, Alton calls Steven a dirty Jew, and Al Sharpton is nowhere to be found.

Hey, Austin. We should bring the baby up here!

HereKittyKitty didn’t show up to work this week over at the ‘gasm because she needed to get her drink on, so I stepped in. I have been throwing Twinkies at my TV all season, and thanks to Kitty’s alcoholism, finally have an outlet to release my rage. And now, for the five of you still putting up with this show, it’s time to stop being productive members of society and start getting real(ly desperate for entertainment). This is The Real World Reunited: Las Vegas!

Previously on the Real World: Trishelle came back to Vegas completely dumb bitchified by the seedy world of B cinema with a platinum weave and lots and lots of gum. “I’m an ACTRESS!”, she proclaimed. I am so. Sure.

Meryl Streep is green with envy right now.

Frank, still on his quest to prove to America that he’s not the goodie two shoes bore snore pansy ass cracker we all thought he was, got wasted, broke a bunch of dinnerware, and gleeked on Irulan, who was like:

You totally disrespected and desecrated my spirit! I spit on your Meemaw!

The best part of that pic is Arissa in the back round, ready to go off on anyone or anything that gets in her way. Irulan got herself in a tizzy and ended up sobbing her face off on the phone.

He Gleeeeeked at me mama! Waaaahhh! My spirit! Disrespect! Waaaaahhhh!

Arissa went crazy too. Broken coffee mugs are VIOLENT and DISRESPECTFUL!! She storms out of the house and promises to leave for good, but instead goes downstairs and sits at a nickel slot machine. Go on, Arissa! There’s a hideous lime green limo outside with your name all over it. GO and get your psycho bony ass off my TV.

Miss? Your car’s waiting.

Sure enough, this week starts off with Arissa coming back upstairs, but she refuses to go inside. Trishelle tries to use dumb ass party girl logic on her. “But like…what? I mean, it’s like, Frank’s just like…I mean. I’m in a movie!” Then Arissa’s all “Violent! Abusive!” and she musters up all these fake tears and Trishelle’s all “what? Like…broken glass. So like what do you care?” Arissa tries to squeeze out a couple tears but all she can muster up is more crazy. There have been all these things going on that are not cool…Like you being called out for (allegedly) trying to make out with your “best friend”s boyfriend? Cuz that’s totally different than broken mugs, Crazy Eye. Arissa says that Frank took advantage of her, and he took advantage of the Palms.

Trishelle’s like “What. Ever.”, and leaves Arissa to walk around the casino. Crazily.

Who’s in a movie?

Frank falls down and breaks another glass, so he picks up Trishelle and carries her to the bedroom. She groans and moans, and I go to the bathroom wait for my Wendy’s to come back up. When I return, she’s sitting in the boy’s room and whining about Arissa and Frank’s like “Look guys. I’m a party animal, ok? It’s in my BLOOD” and Steven’s all “Hey you guys, do I look like Ryan Reynolds? Trishelle says totally and plays with her hair.

You so do!

Arissa and Irulan decide since they’re both cut from the same manic depressive bi polar a hole cloth, the should get their own rooms to find themselves and cool down. Now who’s taking advantage of the Palms? I’m sure the hotel would rather replace a couple coffee mugs than pony up two additional rooms. Irulan and Brynn come down to visit Arissa. If this room blew up right now, this show would be like 100 times better. Brynn’s all, oh poor Irulan for missing her bf and having to look at Alton’s tight ass all day and all night. Brynn would be sad, too! Yeah right. Babe, your ex was a pole and I have a feeling if you saw him again, you’d climb right back on and shake your money maker like the pro you are. You can take a girl out of a strip club…

Irulan and Arissa are mad as hell, and they aren’t gonna take it anymore! Brynn tries to explain to Arissa that she needs to see a doctor and get a heavy prescription, but Arissa shakes her head and screams “Agression! Violence!” Oy.

Steven goes over to the bachelor pad suite from last week and finds Frank naked, smelly and slimy in bed. Steven walks his friend back to their room and tells him he’s not handling his alcohol very well. This coming from the guy who hurled and innocent bimbo into the Palms’ pool a couple of weeks ago. But he’s wearing glasses, so you know he’s sensible, smart Steven today.

Lens Crafters Authoritaaay!

And of course, by the time we come back from commercial, Irulan has come home to the loft. The other room The Palms gave her was a total shithole, and there was no tight ass to salivate over or anyone to accuse of violence and cry to her mom about. To celebrate, she goes down to the pool with Trishelle and Brynn. Trishelle regales the girls with stories from her fairy tail movie star life. Since she’s like an actress now, life’s like hard you know? Cuz you have to like memorize lines and see people and it’s like pressure to be an actress like her. You know? And now that’s she’s like, an actress, she’s afraid people are gonna get all gossipy about her and any minute there’s gonna be paprazzi hiding in the bushes and trying to get a slice of her soul! Riiiight.

OMG you guys I’m like totally an actress and it’s haaaaaarrrrdddd!!!

Irulan tells her wow, it’s great how Trishelle can be all strong and unemployed almost all year round. Ouch. She pats herself on the back and says that Trishelle’s brave for being so confident in her (most likely) horrible acting and Irulan’s brave for going off her meds on a TV show. They’re all heroes just for being there by the pool at the Palms.

Speaking of heroes, Arissa has found the strength to come back from her shite room and Frank apologizes profusely. He tells us that the bitch is crazy, but he’ll say sorry to shut her up. She nods enthusiastically and gives him props for copping to pushing her out of her comfort zone. Now, if her comfort zone was just a little closer to an open window…Frank notes that it’s the second time they’re doing the show and he’s still apologizing to Arissa. But this time, he’s not a boring Midwestern cheeze ball about it, he’s a freakin’ STUD! She hugs him and I start plucking my eyelashes one at a time in the fetal position.

When he’s done with that ass make out, he finds Irulan and asks her to bend over. She forgives him and suggests he take a couple tai bo classes to work out all his agression. He kicks her face and snaps her neck, shouting “I already know tai bo, bitch!”. She falls to the floor, dead. When I wake up from my positive thinking meditation, Irulans still alive and Franks wiping his mouth out with his t-shirt. He’s had a busy day.

You need to get to Intensive Care, girl!

Arissa decides to make dinner either to poison everyone or to prove that she’s over it and wants peace. She’s acting all calm and peaceful, but look what she’s frying.

Be afraid, boys. Be very afraid.

This girl is a psychology class. Alton is mad that he’s forced to eat apology lasagna, and he sits almost under the table, like he’s afraid something could be thrown at his head any minute.

You can run, but you can’t hide!

Trishelle agrees. She’ll binge on your food and purge it out later because it’s delicious, but it doesn’t make up for the fact that Arissa’s mentally unstable. Then she pulls off her top and does a back bend.

Samantha, a Palms rep, comes by to deliver the housemates an invitation and stays waaaay too long.

Well, alright then. Thanks……Bye.

The invitation is to catch a screening of Trishelle’s movie, Ninja Cheerleaders! Everyone looks totally psyched.

Wait, you’re seriously in a movie? On a screen?

Trishelle’s nervous because the other girls might get (wise to the fact that Trishelle’s a severely terrible actress) jealous and catty. They ask her what the movie’s about, but she doesn’t know. LOLOLLLLL. She’s like a cheerleader, who like…wanna see the trailer? No? Alright, well, she’s like totally in it.

The screening takes place in a nightclub, which is our 100th clue that this movie is gonna suck. Trishelle plays a moron highschooler who’s being sexually harassed by some cave man. Highschool? That director should be more careful with his angles.

I’m sorry, but that is NOT a high school waddle.

Her roomies laugh and laugh, and Trishelle explains that they’re laughing cuz the movie’s a comedy. Really? Ninja Cheerleaders? Oy. The roof of the club opens up and ninjas drop in and dance around. Irulan asks Trishelle if she feels like a star. “Kinda!” Sorry, sugar, but the only thing you’ve got in common with Dame Judi Dench is neck flab.

Next week, people act like a bunch of a holes and I try to resist ripping out the rest of my eyelashes.