Name that jug!

We open with Emilioth telling uth that thith ith when all the blood, thweat and tearth pay off. You would think that he would have learned by now to not use so may words with the letter s in them. There is spit all over my TV. Unfortunately, not enough to filter out whatever’s happened to Retired Adam Lambert’s face.

I didn’t know Kors still had a living auntie.

If you could copyright haircuts, Liz Taylor would be wealthier than she already is.

Let’s start with the designers talking shit about each other! Mila says Old Ham’s collection looks like really fancy Hot Topic clothes. Emilioth thinks Mila’s stuff is well made but too prude, and Mila thinks that Emilioth is going for the Harlem boutique look…in 1994. LOL! Way to make me like you at the last second, Mila! I rewound a couple times to try and figure out which collection Old Ham described as old lady clothes, but it could apply to either of his peers. Speaking of old lady clothes, I think Kors’ mom wore this exact same outfit when she came to visit the show.

All he’s missing are giant sunglasses and an orange wrinkly child.

Tim comes in to check on progress and starts with Old Ham. He’s done twenty four looks! LOL needy. He figures Tim will hate at least half of them, which will still put him ahead of the pack. At least as far as sheer numbers go. He’s taking too much of Tim’s advice. He’s even wearing the same outfit. But without a turtleneck to cover his waddle and with his Boy George chaining boy hookers up in his loft witch hat.

Emilioth is next, and he greets Tim with a big fake laugh because the last critique didn’t go so well. The smile is off his face the second Tim asks “Haven’t we seen this before?”

Bitch I gained forty pounds for this collection. Don’t judge me!

And yes, Tim. We have seen that before. Barbara Bush owned it. Her version had sleeves though, thank Jehoshaphat.

Tim assures Emilioth that he’s not being a bitch, he’s just preparing him for the judges’ questions. Emilioth tells us that the judges occasionally say the complete opposite thing as Tim (which is true) so he’s gonna ignore Tim and hope the judges pull through for him. From the tiny snippets we’ve seen of his work, he’s going down hard. YAY!
Mila starts off by showing Tim a mo hair sweater. He’s like “you killed a homosexual for this? That’s reprehensible!” She says no, MOE hair. His feathers go back down but he only unscrunches his face a tiny bit. This sweater is an homage to the 60′s. Jesus. Mila must have made a shitload of money and banged lots of hot dudes in the 60′s cuz she just can’t let it go. This outfit looks like something Goldie Hawn would have thrown together for a Laugh In funeral.

Tim says her clothes are too classy so she better have hair and makeup make her models look like trashy whores. He moves away from her and gives the designers a pep talk. Emilioth ignores his ass. Time to choose models! Emilioth wants to make sure that he gets multicultural models cuz it’s a multicultural world. Yeah well it’s also a fat world but you almost barfed on the real woman challenge so cut the crapth. Fittings! Ham is so excited for all this that he’s redone his hair. If he had a curling iron he could look like a really frightened Hassidic dude.

He just wants the judges to say “he’s growing!” I don’t know about that, but that model’s hips sure as hell are.

Fertile Myrtle

How is this girl a model? She has a pea head and a giant body. No offense.

Mila tells the Pantene guy that she wants her look to be “rock and roll, but in a less controlled way.” I don’t know what that means, but her model still has her haircut. It makes me wonder how Mila views herself. She may be Boris’ Natasha to us, but she’s Sid’s Nancy to herself. But less controlled. Rock stars choke on their own vomit, so I don’t know how you can be less controlled than that. I need to just drop it, right? BUT I CAN’T ! Gordon Lightfoot Best Of collections aren’t rock, Mila!

Just like me, but less cartoon villain-y.

Emilioth wants his girls to look sophisticated but not old. This model looks young, but insane.

Did someone get a new toy?

Only thirty minutes till the end of the day. Emilioth is tho nervous that he starts punching Barbara Bush’s gina.

Uncalled for!

He tells us this is his defining moment and dedicates this to all the people who believed in him. OK Meryl Streep. Where you gonna put that Oscar? Douchebag. Old Ham sets his alarm for 2:40 AM. Camera Guy, was this shot really necessary? Not only did you catch his boob at the least flattering angle, you didn’t even give the man time to whip out his spray on hair! Give the man some respect!

Old Ham is mad that Emilioth didn’t wake him, but Emilioth is in the mirror practicing what to say when people who haven’t seen him since the weight gain call him Tyler Perry.

Mila is so excited to leave for the day that she doesn’t even open her window and try to find a bangs perv. They arrive at the runway and church music plays. Old Ham does some “I’m not even close to 40!” snow angels on the runway. Emilioth is lucky enough to get Fantasia as an assistant. That girl really does need money. Damn. I should ask her to fill in at the restaurant. I need a break.

For real.

Uhoh! Three of Mila’s models have ditched her! Emilioth is missing one, too, but he’s six times as shitty as Mila is about it. He runs around snapping his fingers at people. Let’s take a break. Are any of you unsure whether or not you’re gay? Do you have a suspicion that you might be but can’t really tell? Are you curious about parades but not sure if you want to commit to glow sticks? Look at this picture. If you don’t get tingles, you’re totally straight. Call your mother and let her know so she can stop freaking out.

I just recommitted to a lifelong avoidance of boobies.

Tim pulls some alternates for the designers and they calm down. Well that was anticlimactic. Everyone rushes around doing last minute snips and tucks. Showtime!! Heidi comes out on the runway in some sort of New Mexican rug. She’s still not comfortable without a baby in her womb, so she’s got people drawn there as a crutch.

Still not preggers? Seal, you’re slacking!

She says this year was a great season because of the amazing designers. People clap politely. Jaysian looks extremely pissed still. And waaaaaaay greased up.

Try some humility. And powder.

Let’s say hi to the judges! Hi Kors!

Hi Nina!

Hi, Guest Judge Faith Hill!

What?!?!?!?!?

Faith Hills sure is gorgeous when young bitches aren’t stealing her awards.

Old Ham is first to show, and he comes out looking like he’s been trying to graduate from Catholic school since 1987.

He’s super nervous and paces all over the place. Those pants are seriously tight. His collection was inspired by 1940′s German and Russian military. Let’s just hope the models don’t start fighting over the Jews. First comes the hippy model in the red dress. It’s severe and cool. Love the tights.

I don’t know when wearing donuts on our heads went out of fashion, but it’s a shame.

These tights are one giant “SUCK IT” to Mila.

This next suit is badass. It’s one of his jackets, minus the giant collar and plus some houndstooth.

The next look is a really pissed off summer dress, like a rebel daughter is forced to go to the Country Club with her mom. It’s a pretty standard dress with badass boots and a big belt. Meh. Who cares though? He could win based on his first two looks alone.

Next up is a Breakfast at Tiffany look. If Tiffany was a black widow. I could see this model biting a guy’s head off. And that’s because of her face, not the dress. The dress is gorge. It’s a bit bunched up in the front so the stripes run together and I doubt that was on purpose. But I love it.

And now he gives a big wave to the trash bag challenge of seasons past. The skirt is simple. Probably too simple for that top, which I can’t stop staring at. It’s fantastic. I would probably laugh at the woman wearing this at a party, but I’d also want to try and get a lunch date with her just to find out WTF is going on in her crazy ass life.

There’s a bee coat walking now. Old Ham likes to make women look like they can kill you at any moment. I wonder what his wife is like.

The jacket on this next one is great. Love the lining. He’s all about jackets, but I guess you can never have enough jackets in the world. The pants I could do without. It might be that he chose a knock kneed model to wear them, but I doubt these would flatter anyone.

The next look harkens back to the circus challenge. The dress is kind of a coat? Meh. Not into this one. The women who would wear most of these clothes are super depressed and harsh, I’ll bet. It’s about time they had a designer of their own. Happy women have all the fun these days.

This coat is stunning!

The last dress looks like a fat Avatar chick trying to squeeze into a tiny dominatrix dress. Love the color.

You’re spillin over, sista!

The back of that one isn’t very flattering, either.

That was a fantastic line. One of the best I can remember on this show. Well done, Old Ham! That Liz Taylor hair brought you luck!
Mila is next, and she starts crying and looking off in two different directions while she talks about how hard she’s worked for this.

Mila comes out in flood pants and thanks her gay boyfriend, who is wearing Madonna gloves. He’s so getting laid at the wrap party. Tim’s gonna sit on him like a lawn chair.

So right away, you can see what Mila’s going for. Older Lady hip. And there’s nothing wrong with that. I know the judges complain that everything looks old and blah, but you think Nina’s gonna shop at Gadzooks? No. She needs something to wear that doesn’t make her look like her grandma and that hides her jelly. Mila’s her girl.

Because when you’re past forty five, you deserve some goddamn ice cream.

Next up is a pretty dowdy coat. And didn’t the judges tell Mila to work on hair and makeup? This model looks like a frazzled college student on a winter laundry day.

The dress underneath mixes houndstooth and stripes, which I just can’t approve of.

Shot of Jaysian looking pissy while our favorite Flamingay rocks out to the music.

Jaysian, if you keep stressing you’re gonna look like the lady in front of you in no time.

The next dress is very pretty, but the taste is obliterated by the giant Flavor Flav for old people necklace. And what’s with all the tights?

Next up are marching band flood pants with a raincoat. Seen it. Not ever together like this, but still. The jacket is gorgeous, but done a zillion times. And it might not be wise to put jackets up against Old Ham when you know that’s gonna be his entire collection.

The next one is almost gorgeous, but it has a big pleather rectangle on the front that says “I’M YOUNG, GET IT?” She should have just gone with what she does and not tried to please the judges. Love the gloves, though. Her boyfriend is totally taking those home.

Next is the moe hair sweater we saw earlier.

This poor model looks like she’s been up for two weeks. They hired someone to comb her hair right?

I can’t tell what’s going on with this next one. Vertical stripes with an overlay of some sort? A see through half shawl? And is she wearing bike shorts under her skirt? For fancy ladies who occasionally do cartwheels in public.

On closer inspection it’s badass. Love the gils. The model ran and ran, but Freddy Krueger finally caught up to her.

Mila is backstage telling Tim that she is totally kicking butt in front of the judges. It’s hard to root for Mila cuz she’s just such an asshole. I know she doesn’t mean to be and she probably doesn’t know how she comes across. She just needs to be quiet and try to focus on one spot. And now for more tights, a sloppy sweater, and a painted shirt. MEH.

It’s pretty obvious who Tim wants to win…

…which means she won’t.

OK I have to amend my previous comment. Up close the sweater is kinda cool. It’s not gonna keep anyone warm, but it looks great.

The next dress looks like a super slutty version of one of those purple peppermint sticks. Again, she’s trying way too hard with that pleather.

Her washer flapper dress is next and looks fabulous. The dog collar borders on offensive, but otherwise nice work.

The audience claps politely, and her bf looks in two different directions as a sign of support.

Pretty decent work overall. Not very exciting, but mostly pretty and ALL Mila. She’s got talent fo sho, even if this wasn’t all my cup of old. Emilioth tells us that his life is about to change. LOL. I can’t wait to see him cry when he loses this shit. Fingers crossed! Even his family hates him.

His collection is called “Color Me Bad(ly)” and it was inspired by his mom and her sisters. Way to go for the 18-26 crowd, dude. The first coat is that drab olive thing we saw in part one of the finale.

The lining is open gash red. EW! It’s like Oscar the Grouch being pulled out of the trashcan and skinned alive. The blouse is fucking hideous. Who would put those colors with bright red? This is all wrong. Fitting that his name is literally all over it.

Emilioth’th voiceover telth us how brilliant this all is while his plain Jane Barbara Bush dress walks the runway. I detest Emilioth, but he’s shown some talent this season, right? Not today.

OK, the next jacket is perty. The color is at least. Bright red with blue? Well, Independents need something to wear to election parties too, I suppose.

And now for another librarian coat from the fifties. Why, Emilioth? WHY? Red and blue is a theme with him, and it’s just hideous.

He’s used that nasty pink blue and olive fabric again. The model looks like she wore gangrene infected leopard skin and got paint thrown on her by PETA. The blue lining of the coat corresponds with the blue in the dress, but the bright red still clashes loudly.

He watches the show on a monitor next to Tim and gushes “beautiful!” HATE. The next look is an homage to molting frogs getting their legs slowly cut off. Olive green and bright red rubber looking gloves? Really? If the judges aren’t kicking themselves for not aufing him for that washer dress, they’re fucking morons.

And now for a Units dress. Emilioth thayth that thith collection thays a lot about him ath a dethinger. Agreed. It says everything.

Boooooooring.

Is he trying to get a break on his taxes or something? Cuz he’s taking this red and blue thing really far. Next up is another simple done a zillion times before look, but with more hideous colors this time.

Wonder Woman finally calmed down and got an office job.

Next up are tight black pants you’ve seen a million times, a black jacket you’ve seen a million times, and a Flashdance shirt made with that gangrene infected leopard skin. There are streamers coming out of the sleeves. Poor model looks like a little girl’s first bike.

Next up is that spray painted mini skirt we saw last week. Best thing he’s shown by far.

Just in case you’ve let your Brazilian grow out a little and don’t wanna lift your skirt every time you have to scratch.

The coat is pretty standard blah fare, but this is his best look so far.

This one’s pretty two. If it didn’t have that Sheena shoulder strap it would be gorge.

One good piece and one almost good piece. If he doesn’t come in third, there is no justice. And now for some stars!

Dame Judi Dench Blanchett Stewart liked Mila.

OMG I LOVE YOU.

Flamingay liked Emilioth’th, but his last dress was made out of polyester so don’t invest too much in that stock.

Future Jaysian liked Mila.

Really, Project Runway? This is your A list? You could have at least sprung for Rudy.

Raven says that Emilioth’ word patterns reminded her of the nineties and she’s totally bringing that decade back. Ugh. I wish you would so you could be palatable again.

Irina liked Mila. They’re like two ice cubes in a tray.

The judges gather and agree that all three designers did a great job. The designers are brought out and congratulated on their great show. I think they’re 2/3 right on that one. The models are brought out. The judges start off with Old Ham. Kors says his construction was exhilarating and he stepped up the luxury. They all agree that as gorge as his clothes were, they were also commercial enough to sell like hotcakes. Emilioth starts singing True Colors.

Nina loved it and Faith would wear a couple of his pieces. Nina of course loved the only pieces I didn’t like. She says overall it was a very editorial collection. No one was too thrilled about the purple dress though.
Emilioth is next. Faith was “knocked out” by his coats. ?!?!? Those are fucking hideous! Heidi liked the collection and loved his masturbation print. Kors says his collection was the most commercial and his fave was the green gown at the end. However, he didn’t get the jump from sportswear to glamour. Nina says the collection was quiet but sophisticated. Emilioth should try to work some of that into his perthonality.
Now for Mila. She babbles about shadows. Shadows my ass! You know she was like “I have to come up with something black and white to blather about so they don’t call me a one trick pony hack.” Heidi thinks Mila has grown and listened to their advice, and Kors says she brought the sixties look into the present. He was “turned on” by the pleather and says it was nasty. EW. Kors needs to not make me think of his penis ever. Heidi liked the painted t-shirt and Faith liked the pleather blocked piece. Nina and Kors congratulate her for taking the stick out of her ass.
Old Ham FTW! In alone time, the judges compliment all of the designers. Kors says Mila pulled it out and was great at mixing textiles. They compliment the leggings, which look way better close up. The collection was great but not surprised. Heidi counters that Old Ham’s work wasn’t surprising either cuz his line looked just like the other stuff he’s produced. Kors says yeah but it looked way better and more expensive than usual. Nina says it gets to be a little too much, but they all agree that most of his chic pieces would sell. Nina says Old Ham is the most fearless. Not of her, of course. Everyone’s afraid of her ass equally.
Faith seems to like Emilioth the best. UGH. Kors says Emilioth went the opposite direction of the other designers and came across as more plain than usual. Where was the drama? In his head, Kors. In his head. Nina says they should judge on the most creativity, but Heidi isn’t sure whether they should judge on this one show or the whole season. Today, duh. Kors was a bit bored with Emilioth but his clothes were the most flattering and Nina thinks they were the most sophisticated. I just. Don’t. Get it. But that’s not anything new. Let’s bring the designers back out!
Mila’s the first out! WHAT?! Oh no. I thought she’d take second. She’s gracious about it, but now every time she sees a shadow she’s gonna cry. Heidi says both Old Ham and Emilioth are deserving, but Old Ham wins!!! YAAAAAAAYYYYY!!!! Emilioth doesn’t take it well. He quotes Flamingay: “You don’t have to have the crown to be the King.” It was Queen, but whatever. He goes back to the greenroom and sobs, and it’s like a nice tall glass of LI iced tea.

Delicious.

He blathers on about how he will be a world brand as I high five myself like a crazy person. Old Ham’s family comes out and cries and stuff. AW! His son’s so sweet! As Ham cries about how his family is proud of him, I get a little teary. But it’s hard to cry when he’s got that hair. I press pause and my tears turn into laughter again.

Obvs, I’m super happy he won, which is a good feeling. It’s been a few seasons since I was cheering at the end. Overall, this season kicked last season’s ass. Here’s to bigger and better!
Thanks so much for being with me here this season. You guys have made me laugh my ass off consistently week to week in the comments section. A friend asked me recently why I holed up in my apartment so much to make fun of TV shows instead of, you know, getting a life. My daddy told me when I was young that I might be an odd boy who didn’t think I would find a place to fit in this world and the most important thing was to follow whatever made me smile. And this place, and you guys, have made me smile since the second I got here. Love and thanks. See you next season. xo

The word is “the”. Go!

Last week after the second extinction of the Flamigay, I read an interview he gave over at EW. He talks mostly about what a positive person and he wouldn’t say anything bad about anybody and then goes on to diss Emilioth. LOL! The return of Benita Butrell.

But I ain’t one to gossip, so you ain’t heard that from me.

He also said in that interview that he wouldn’t wanna have his own reality show about his family, cuz starting your own business and failing isn’t the kind of tv he wants to make. Oh no you didn’t just smack Jay! Project Runjay was a great…pilot. I know he’s gone now and I should just get over it but I will miss you, Flam!
Emilioth, Mila, Jaysian and Retired Adam Hambert have made it to the end! Heidi gives them nine thousand bucks and thirteen weeks to make ten piece collections. Jaysian and Mila have to battle it out for that last spot. And we get to meet their families! Emilioth’th thtacks of newthpapers and Mila’s scared husband and dog. Talk about a spin off.
Tim comes out on the runway and gets a pretty lukewarm response. It’s either because his advice has been way off the mark this season or because he’s standing next to Heidi, who’s in a see thru nightie and black panties and no one knows quite how to respond to that.

Jaysian is a new kind of boy scout. A jorts loving, booty wearin, leg waxin shawl enthusiast boy scout. I’m not comfortable with the idea of him owning a Swiss Army knife.

Mila packs up her clown suitcase full of makeup and tells us that she and Jaysian are similar in that they both have strong points of view and strongly bad hair, BUT…she’s better. She tries to get the attention of the bang pervert across the street one last time, but since she’s still without her bangslut bff Maya, he’s still got his blinds closed. Wait. He’s opening them. He’s in his underwear! He’s bending over and mooning Mila. Did he just spit on the window before he slammed the blinds shut again? That was harsh.

I think he likes me.

Jaysian’s mind is boggled. I second that. The boys try to pack their shit while Emilitoth lithps “you’re goin down at Bryanth Parkth, bitcheth!” Awesome thanks. Now you’ve spit all over our luggage. Great meeting you. Being a gay man, ragging on someone’s gayness can be seen as self defeating and backbiting, but it’s just such an inherent part of Emilioth’ personality you can’t just pretend it’s not there. I mean come on you guys. This is how he pronounces the word “doing”.

Emilioth isn’t scared. He’s gonna come up with another…wait for it…SHOWTHTOPPER!! Old Ham, in the same jeans he wore the day he was born, has a teeny tiny little suitcase. For a pillow. Damn. I hope they had some laundry service up in there.

That greasy pillow smells like old ham. You know it does.

Three months later. Vancouver. A quiet, sleepy street.

The wind starts to blow. Birds scatter.

Something new is in town. It’s TIM!

That’s called layers, Vancouver. Watch and learn!

The first thing he sees is this sign.

This must be Old Hams house, cuz he’s the only one who has an attack squirrel. ON HIS HEAD!


But I ain’t one to gossip, so you ain’t heard that from me.

It is Old Ham! LOL! His hair is…it’s…can’t…type.

MOM IN THE 70′S!!!

OK fine. Yes. I stole your Virginia Slims. I’m sorry. Can we just get past it?

When we get close up to the hair, I can see he’s really going more for Justin Bieber. Cuz if you think you’re ten we will too!

Retired Justin Bieber

Old Hambiebert gets right down to business and takes Tim to his collection. It’s colorful, vibrant, and refreshing.

Kidding!

Ham is gonna take twenty outfits to Bryant park. Dang! He has some seriously pretty stuff. As you would guess, lots and lots of jackets. And they look great, even if we’ve seen him do all this before.

The Grim Reaper needed a makeover. Bitch was getting depressing.

I think Tim’s gonna gush, but he’s scowling. Uh-oh. He tells Ham that it’s gorgeous but the collection won’t win because it’s the same stuff the judges have already seen for him. He goes on and on about it, and Ham nervously whips out a can of Aqua net and makes his hair younger. He has a star tatt on his neck. Was that always there? It looks like a giant zit that he drew a shape around at the last second cuz cameras were coming over.

Don’t pick at it.

Ham is disappointed in Tim’s reaction, obviously. He kinda whines “can I show some of it?” AW! He’s literally turning ten right before our eyes. Tim’s like um no trash the whole thing and start all over!!!!! WOAH! Why is it bad to put your best stuff forward and show off every little trick in your book? I don’t think anyone’s envisioning Ham as the next designer for Laura Ashley. He does what he does. Ham has a dilemma here. He could listen to Tim, who has up until recently had a stellar eye for what the judges wanted. But Tim has also been so wrong so many times this season that pulling an Emilioth and ignoring Tim completely doesn’t sound like the worst move.
He’s shocked that Tim told him to burn it all. He’s out of money, he’s out of time. Tim’s shocked when he is invited to meet the family after all that. His kids are cute, his wife is cute, and his mom is Tyne Daly. He and his wife were next door neighbors as kids. AW!!!

Rarr. Have we met? Tell the nanny she can leave now.


Woah, Rip Torn! Bring back the other neighbor!

The Hambert family plays win lose or draw with Tim, and he kinda sucks at it.

Sumptuary! Epistemological! Antediluvian! Saturnine! Abstruse! Parlous! Enervating! Adenoidal!

Um….dad?

Ham gets Tim to jump on the trampoline and says it was awesome to see his interaction with his kids.

I think Tim’s had about enough interaction for the day.

Are you sure you’re not gonna throw up again? OK bye now thanks for swinging by and CRUSHING MY DREAMS.

Tim goes back to NYC next to meet up with Emilioth. Tim is wearing jeans, and as hard as he tries, denim is the one area of fashion he just can’t wrap his giant to the knees balls around.

Nice moose knuckle there, Tim.

Emilioth gets kinda turned on so he takes Tim to the bridge he goes to at night to thpit on people and shout “SHOWTHTOPPER!” at the top of his lungth.

Sharing is good. But you have to be sure to share just the right amount or it’s creepy.

Then Emilioth takes Tim to a good ole buffet.

Well helloooo.

Emilioth’ brothers are super supportive, and they also have giant tongues. Emilioth grew up poor in the ghetto. I think it might be where he got the idea for this number. That screams bus stop louder than a movie poster featuring Angelina Jolie with a dick drawn on her face.

He doesn’t wanna do all black and grey, so he’s gonna do really bright colors! Awesome. Maybe less American Flaggy? I know it’s only red and blue now but a super pale white girl’s gonna be wearing it. That thing belongs on Superman’s grandma. Ok that’s enough but my fingers just keep typing. Let’s move on. Next up is a jacket from Mad Men. Peggy had to wear this stuff before she started making any money.

In this economy no one wants to look like a poor secretary.

Coming later in 2010: Expired Avocado

But don’t worry. He’s not just doing dowdy. He’s also doing needy and tacky. He’s created a fabric with his name all over it! AGAIN! It wasn’t enough of a rip off the first time. Two times and it’s REAL!

Did you know that in Spanish, OSAS means “she-bear”?

But wait. There’s more!

The cougars are attacking that poorly dressed African woman!

Emilioth laughs cuz Tim is thpeechlethth. America is too. He’s spray painted a jacket. It looks cool. Tacky as a half dried boogar, but cool. Did he steal this from someplace?

Besides little country girls in Texas?

Emilioth tells Tim he’s not designing for cameras, he’s designing for his customer, and she wants ugly clothes dammit! Tim tell him it’s not about cameras, it’s about telling a story. Emilioth argues that he’s made a strong showing this season and…Tim nods and assures him that he’s aware of the judges’ bad taste but he should still make an effort to not suck. Emilioth is defensive so Tim tries to word it different ways. Poor guy just doesn’t have the vocabulary to say “That’s fug and people are gonna laugh at your stupid ass.”
Emilioth is like oh hayellth noth! He says he refuses to change a thing because he designs for a woman and Tim isn’t a woman (technically) so he can thuck it. Tim can only take so much back talk. “I see a serious absence of sophistication in this work and I see clothes that look, frankly, old.” HA! I LOVE TIM! Emilioth stands there lithping nothing, like a car trying to start. Finally, Tim has squeethed the fight out of him. Well done, T!
Tim lowballs it to LA to see Mila. She’s had a makeover!! Her bangs are still choppy and uneven, so that means she made the stylist do them that way. The woman has her convictions, and for whatever reason she just hates straight bangs.

Mila has made a picture board with a “Shadows” theme. How thoughtful! At the end of the day you know that shit’s just gonna be all color blocked anyway, but what a lovely shot of waves. The board looks like an advertisement for a really long nap.

Blah has never been so deeply researched.

Guess what shadows mean! Black and white! Shocker! She tells us what a risk this is to use black and white and stripes and stuff. Because you’ve done it in like eighty percent of the challenges so far? Tim says gorgeous a lot, which means she will lose. He warns her that her conservative side tends to get matronly, but then he immediately says gorgeous a few more times. He asks how she feels about the head to head with Jaysian, and she tells us that she refuses to get beat by that little shit. She’s a better designer and he’s just annoying. LOL. Would you like some Pepper with that Wendy?
We don’t get to meet Mila’s husband. She did say she has a husband, right? He’s probably hiding in a closet. In every sense of the word. On the bright side, Tim gets to feel young again!

Did you say something funny? Cuz for some reason I just peed my pants.

Oh wait there’s the boyfriend. Not husband. He came out of the closet.

Everything in Mila’s world is either back and white or angular or both. Even the dog.

Please get me out of here.

Dad says that when Mila was a child she was always dressed to the nines. Sure, back then people made fire with sticks and wore animal pelts stringed together into muumuu’s, but for the period she was very fashionable.

First grade was a breakout year.

In the eighties, Mila was a goth girl. Like Desperately Seeking Susan, but without the ly Seeking Susan part.

Mila’s a costumer, but she has always wanted to be a designer. Her boyfriend really gayly tells us how proud he is of her. AW!

If she wins I get a pony!

You know you wanna ask Mila how the sex is, so let’s do it!

Tim gives big hugs and leaves. But on his way out he breaks his wrist on the front door.

Let’s go to San Francisco! There’s an old saying in San Francisco that goes

Get a job, hippie!

This is the home of the Jaysian. He’s making lots of bottomless clothes and gift ribbon necks.

Cuz vaginas never go out of style.

A lot of black in this finale. Jaysian says his inspiration is the Samurai. I think his inspiration is Old Ham and neck perms. He tells Tim that he likes to combine soft and hard, so Tim tells him to get a boner and they’ll do just that. Jaysian’s all confused, which embarrasses Tim. Awkward!

Er….

Jaysian is wearing fake fur and a giant scarf and a fauxhawk. I’ve run out of things to say about Jaysian’s personal fashion choices, so let’s just leave it at “get a nap, Yoko.”

Tim tires to get him to think Oscars, and particularly likes this jacket, minus the rogue sleeve.

He says it looks like student work, which makes Jaysian sick to his stomach. Jaysian laughs when Tim brings up Mila and says she’s no competition cuz “I have the ball…on my side.” Sports reference attempt. He must really hate Mila. He’s confident he’ll beat her, even if Tim thinks his work is a little cuckoo. Jaysian prefers “Cuckoo Chanel”. LOL. Now for a game of guess the bottom! Rolando’s the top. He could be wearing a dress right now, and he’d still be the top.

Jaysian’s mom is adorable, and is a little surprised with how friendly Tim is to her, just meeting her and all. She says “I just know you from TV!” HAHAHAH.

Besides houseboy ass, yes. Yes it is.

His parents were poor when he was a kid, and they worked two jobs to support him. They still do, apparently, cuz his goal is to win and pay them back. And if that doesn’t work out, he can always sell Rolando to Tim. His mom gives a wedding toast, and Jaysian cries.

Well, don’t wear itchy scarves then.

All he wants is to give them the things they never had in life! Like a son with a job!

Come on! Make some real tears! You can do it! Think of a world without shawls!

The designers all arrive back at NY. Swanky pad! Mila is the first to arrive, followed by Jaysian, of course. Rigged! Thanks for that, producers. Jaysian doesn’t even try to pretend he’s not mortified that they’re gonna be roommates.

I am only posting a pic so you can see his latest shawl. He should cover up those chicks behind him. They look like they’re freezing.

You guys, Army Wives looks harder to sit through than war.

Soooo……

When we come back from break, Jaysian finally breaks the silence and tells Mila that it’s weird talking to her because they’ve never spoken. She says that she seems hard on the outside…she doesn’t finish that sentence, cuz how could she? They agree that it’s cathartic to talk, and she says she’s not such a bad guy. Silence. Jaysian’s a bitch. I love it.
Old Ham arrives as a really drunk Boy George with Liza sideburns.

Ham says he listened to Tim’s advice! Sucker! When Emilio arrives, two creepy goths jump out from behind the couch and make him cry.

Mr. Toad’s Pasty Ride

Ham has lost some weight, and Emilioth asks “bitch what’d you do? You ok?” Rudest compliment ever. You look awesome. AIDS? He’s jeal cuz he went the opposite direction.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I am eating a piece of meatball pizza as I type. Live proud and die young, Emilioth!

Tim comes in. Jaysian hugs him and Emilioth gives him a terse handshake. Tim tells them to have fun before one of them is out on the streets. I wanna root for Mila, but she’s wearing Madonna gloves. That’s the second time she’s made me reference Madge and I don’t appreciate it so screw her. She’s out!

There are only three workspaces in the workroom, which means the two almost losers have to share. Mila says “thank God we’re talking”. HAHAH. Tim comes in to remind them that one of them is going home, and the judges are gonna decide today. They only have three hours to get their shit together. The models come in for fittings. Jaysian is having some issues with his shin guards not zipping up. That might be a blessing. Still, I think he’ll be hard pressed to lose to Mila.

For ladies who wanna look fat while they get their hair cut.

Mila is worried that Jaysian is using color. Duh. Did you honestly work under the presumption that everyone was gonna do all black? Not that that presumption is all that far off. Jaysian thinks about losing and then does this.

Oh grow up Mary!

Then Mila cries! WOW! I hope she wins. She learned how to express human emotion, and isn’t that the point to all this? No? Ok then she’s out.

I fight eye wrinkles every day. With CGI and Photoshop. Yay computers!

Now let’s see if someone can make a dress as pretty as this one in a Yaz birth control commercial.

Heidi comes out looking f ing gorgeous. God that woman is pretty. And she’s squeezed out baby Seal!

Prints be gone!

Let’s say hi to the judges! Hi Kors!

Hi Nina!

Mila’s out first with a boring business woman on a snowy day number.

This weather blows.

The jacket opens up to reveal a pattern war.

If you’ve got a muffin top, wear something that will blind and confuse anyone who tries to look at you too long.

Now for something modern: a flapper dress! With a gimp collar!

Now that’s how to make a dress out of washers.

I really like that last one. Jaysian’s next! He’s gone and given his model big hips again, but this time he’s done it with little hula hoops.

I’m sorry ma’am, but you’re gonna have to buy two seats.

Jaysian tells us how fresh and new his looks are. Leotard with gun holsters. I guess that is new, but ew.

His last look is an Old Ham descendant. The jacket looks very well tailored, and the clown/beheaded queen neck is out in full force.

YAZ!

Chinless girls across the world, rejoice! When the last model is done, she disappears. Like a victim on Cold Case.

Mila launches into her shadow spiel, and Heidi likes every one of her pieces. Simple but with a twist. Kors laughs that one of Mila’s models even looks like her.

That model is totally grateful for that comment.

Kors likes the work but wasn’t really surprised by it and doesn’t think the models look modern enough. Nina likes the separates but agrees that the models don’t look modern and she can’t just do black and white for six collections a year. Kors loves the Madonna gloves and the homemade jewelry. Heidi gives Jaysian credit for pumping up the volume. Kors loves all his pleating seaming and the shin guards. Jaysian is cry talking. Nina says he’s very innovative and his stuff is well tailored but a little too much on the crazy pants side. Heidi would wear the shin guards if they were long enough to hook up to her garter belt. Seal’s so getting her pregnant tonight. Kors says that his clothes aren’t retro at all. Slam, Mila! Jaysian says that they didn’t like each other but now they do. Thanks for sharing way too much dude. Heidi says it’s gonna be hard, but Mila’s out you know she is.
Kors wants Jaysian to advance and Heidi wants Mila. Nina is undecided. Kors is bored with Mila, and Nina wants to be surprised. Heidi likes that Mila put her own spin on retro. Heidi didn’t like Jaysian’s Old Ham jacket. Kors brings up some weird word “ungapachke” (or whatever) which is too much. Heidi thinks Jaysian is too much, but Kors argues that it’s better to have to much and refine it than to not have enough. Nina goes over her shopping list in her mind.

Cilantro, chicken broth, toddlers, Luna bars.

Heidi gives Kors shit for redesigning all of Jaysian’s clothes for him instead of just judging what’s there. Good point, Heidi! The designers are brought back in. Heidi says it was a tough decision. Mila was impeccable and distinctive, but one note and too retro. Jaysian is forward thinking but over designed. But they want to see more of….MILA!!! I can’t believe it! Good for her!! Jaysian is sweet about it. He says he’s “shock” to lose, and then he cries real tears. About time! Heidi tells Mila to get her styling together for the show and gtfo. Mila cries and says she’s grateful. She doesn’t go back to the holding tank nanny boobooing “top twooooo!” so good for her. Tim kicks Jaysian out, and it’s hard to not feel a little sad for the guy. However, I do have pizza left. What were we talking about?

Oh yeah. And Cynthia Rowley stopped by to show off her new permanently surprised look.

The morning starts with Anthony Flamingay singing “good morning!” like a current American Idol contestant. That is to say, horribly. Retired Adam Hambert is too old for this shit. Like Danny Glover.

I’ll bet you guys twenty dollars he just pulls out a can of Aqua Net, sprays that mess, and goes to the runway.

Flamingay is flamingly gay anyway, but now that he’s won a challenge he’s gayer than the sun coming up in the morning.

Two penises rubbing each other aren’t gayer than Flamingay right now.

Emilioth looks super happy that Flam is back.

And the good Lord thaw fit to thtick ME with a tongue too big for my mouthth. I don’t doooooo morningth!

Mila is shocked to be one of the last five standing. Me too. I figured someone would have cracked some battery acid into her coffee by now. She talks about Secret-ing her way to Bryant Park. That shit doesn’t work. If it did I would be one of Oprah’s dogs right now. I’ve seriously visualized that for hours. I try to believe in stuff, but it’s all crap. Just saved you a month’s worth of tithing! The important parts of this segment aren’t the words. They’re the clips of Mila painstakingly working to make herself look like a Russian villain cartoon character with perfectly lawn mowered bangs.

This kind of imperfection takes hours to achieve. Or a blind child with a free hand and something sharp.

It’s so weird not having Jonathan here today. The sun is probably trying to figure out who not to shine on now. Heidi comes out hawking Martha Stewart’s 250 thread count sheet line from K Mart.

Ankle Bracelet slippers not included.

Heidoodledoo asks what everyone’s thinking, being so close to the finale and all. Lots of murmurs and then “Scary as hayell!” from Flamingay. The hint is that they will be going to a tent. I hope it’s in Tim’s pants. LOL. That made no sense but the image makes me laugh anyways. Flam is afraid this means he’s “gone have to get all rugged. You don’t wear Gucci drivers to the mountains.” Or Anne Taylor Loft sweaters.

I borrowed my mama’s Donna Karan pants for this!

Is he in red white and blue on purpose? Not that there’s anything wrong with that. When my Meemaw does it. Cuz she’s on the way to a tea party or something. This is like one big stance in favor of gays in the military. Looking at it that way, I approve.

Every argument has a valid rebuttal.

It’s the big tent! Barnum and Bailey’s! I lost my virginity there! On a floor covered in peanut shells and elephant poop. No I didn’t. It’s just better than saying I gave it up to my mom’s underpaid gardener when I was fifteen and I feel like revealing things. Tim comes out and thinks it’s the most hilarious thing ever that he’s at a circus.

For Tim this is doubling over in laughter.

The designers get to watch a circus show and they have to be inspired! The final challenge is a circus challenge??? RIGGED! Emilioth already won. It’s not fair to let a bearded lady compete in a circus challenge.
Acrobats fling themselves all over the place and a chick twists on a string or something. I can’t really describe what they’re all doing. I’ve always hated the circus. It just makes me think of exercise. Jaysian gets a tiny funny shaped boner when he sees the hot shirtless guys. I don’t blame him.

Best runway show of the year.

If none of you are doing pushups right now, you never will.

Best designer of the year? God. He tied with Gold’s Gym. End of season. Old Ham tells us that there are some seriously funny clowns up in here! I don’t know if he’s talking about the one who threw water on a guy’s face or if he means this one:

Did Ham have time to get Botox? He looks tight.

Bikers in ball cages! Giant slabs of beef in hamster wheels! Uneven bangs!

Everyone pretends that that was totally not creepy and applauds. Old Ham says he’s a kid again. I told you he got Botox! The designers are let loose to start sketching. Emilioth was inspired by stripes and polka dots. I can’t believe that he didn’t whine about how he doesn’t dooooo circuththththththt. Actually, he’s psyched cuz he used to be a costume designer so he’s made circus clothes before. Mila was inspired by the ringleader:

If she blocks colors today it will be totally racist.

She’s gonna make a coat. Flamingay was inspired by a blah spandex number the acrobat was wearing. That scares me. I don’t think the judges are gonna like grey in a circus challenge.

Jaysian likes the clowns cuz they remind him of Janet Jackson in the 90′s I guess.

They designers are carted off to Mood, where a dog is wearing half of Mila’s designs from the season.

Jaysian is gonna make a “mence-wear chacket.” Has he always talked like that or that a nervous accent? I find it kind of offensive when people whip out accents at the last minute. We’re not voting, Jaysian. Spare us the minority pandering! Tim warns Flamingay that he’s about to bore Nina, but Flamingay is convinced that it’s his destiny to show at the park. Thankfully, Tim doesn’t hand him a Sidekick. I’m very worried over here.
There are two days to complete this project, which is miracle. Then why I am I braced for a disaster? I think it’s Mila’s flood pants.

Showing your ankles? That’s just downright slutty.

Emilioth walks around thaying “come hard!” OK first off: EW. And secondly: still EW. The thought of that has me dumbfounded. As if sensing it, he says it a couple more times. That and the naked hot guy pics will have me not eating until like an hour from now until I can’t take it any more and shove an entire Little C’s down my throat. tomorrow. He came with one purpoth and he’s not shy about it. Mila’s like “no you sure aren’t shy about it.” LOL. She says that he’s over confident cuz he’s won tho much and his head can barely fit into the seemingly endless supply of stupid hats he packed. He literally mumbles all day about how fabuloth he ith. He even makes a choochoo train sound to toot his own horn. HAHAH this guy is such an athhole. You know why I love LIfetime? Cuz they find it perfectly reasonable to think we’ll believe that Andie McDowell is a District Attorney.

I ob…line!

When we come back from women running from evil men commercials, Flamingay is looking for a yard steeyick. “I might as wayell sit on my fabric to maysure it!” Emilioth shows Flamingay his dreth and it looks really really good. And I usually don’t like his stuff. Flam goes back to the sewing room and tells Mila that Emilioth’ dress looks gorge and he just had a viewing party. Mila wrinkles her face and growls “of course he did.” I want a smackdown!
Tim comes in to check on progress and starts with Old Ham. He wants to make something based on the ringleader and the jugglers, but he’s making a women’s prison ballgown that pays homage to the Hamburgler. Mean girls gotta have some fun too!

He’s gonna finish it off with a top hat. Tim’s totally into that idea. He’s got that “Jessica Fletcher has another close friend accused of murder I’M SO SURE” look on his face.

Oh Angela, stick to Bedknobs and Broomsticks.

Emilioth stands behind them making shitty looks the whole time. Probably cuz he’s got a little competition in the black and white stripes department.

Emilioth is nexth and says that he’th gonna bunch up his stripeth in the top and they’re gonna exthplode on the bottom. Thith guy needth to get laid. Everything he says today is sexual and it’s grossing me out. Point is, Mila rolls her eyes. And she looks like Kenley.

Hate makes you younger.

Emilioth pitches really hard and of course has to bring up boning. He’s super imprethed with himthelf, but Tim’s all “Um you went to the circus. Where’s the color.” Long pregnant pause. Tim kinda shouts that they want to see him use color, and Emilioth argues that he always uses color. Tim argues back that his last dress was somber. HAHAHAHAH. Emilioth gets pithed and insists that it’th gonna be a showthtopper! Mila makes a loud lip grunt. Is that what you call those things? When you flap your lips together? I don’t think I’ve ever tried to describe that before. Anyways, it’s awesome. Tim leaves frustrated, but you know Tim’s hatred means Emilioth’ dreth ith gonna winth. I don’t know if Tim’s off his game or if the judges just hate him now, but I swear they’re fucking with him.
Flamingay’s next and says that he feels left out because of his different color palette. He insists that his knee deep in prep and will get some actual work done eventually. Tim tells him to listen to his viscera, and Flam gets all offended and tells Tim that he doesn’t have a viscera, he has a penis. No matter what kind of sweaters he wears or how many Beyonce stories he tells. Flamingay says that he’s gonna get a dictionary as soon as he gets home so he knows wtf Tim just said. LOL! I’m laughing, but it’s a very very worried laugh.

I’m skerd.

Mila’s using black and white stripes too! COME ON PEOPLE!! It’s not like they shopped in different stores. There are only five of you left. Be original! She has a big black coat and ivory panels. He tells her to ditch the ivory. Cuz then it will be and exact copy of Emilioth and Old Ham’s looks.
Jaysian’s using red! HOLLER! I’m cheering for Jaysian. The world is on its head. He only has a black waitress skirt done so far, but yay red. Tim leaves and the designers get to work. Emilioth is giving Flamingay advice, which is cute. Flam says he’s a prisoner of his own mind. Funnest prison evah. The next morning, Mila stands at her window and poses for the bang pervert across the street without her bang slut buddy Mila.

AW!!! He closed his blinds!

Flamingay is freaking out cuz he’s starting the day without anything, and he’s gonna start all over. Jaysain tells us he has a lot of people that believe in him and he’s ready to make them proud. I believe he’s growing, cuz he’s even covering up his stupid fauxhawk.

Now it’s time for the designers to talk shit about each other. Old Ham says he’s on the fence about Mila’s dress, but he could do without the shiny. LOL. Yeah, too much black shiny in a dress is terrible, eh?

Emilioth decideth at the lath minute to add a pop of color. He throws a red striped scarf into the mix. Flamingay says there are a lot of costumes in the room and he’s got an actual functional gown. Yeah, but it’s sloppy and kinda fug. I hate saying it, but come on.

Girl, get yo toes off my viscera!

Flamingay scares Jaysian by calling his coat Michael Jackson. Bwahahahaha. I’m thinking more Music Man, but it’s still funny.

The next morning, the perv’s blinds are still closed and Mila’s downright depressed. So she tries to scan the hood for a dirty foot perv instead.

She’s nervous, but still pretty sure that she’s going to the finals. The boys sure as hell hope not. They leave the apartment as four and will return as….four! Flamingay learned to count!

Now let’s just take a moment and stare at what Jaysian’s wearing. I’m sure there are adjectives for this and I’m just not gay enough yet to know them.

Old Ham is so skerd that a clump of hair drops to the floor.

Emilioth just wants the judgeth to thee the artithtry of hith work. He literally drops ten flattering adjectives for his art. He’th too much. If I have to lithten to him talk any more I’m gonna thtart typing like thith permanently. Flamingay is skerd, and Mila thinks he should be. She wants Flamingay or Jaysian to be out and doesn’t think they’re ready. Jaysian doesn’t think Mila has what it takes, but admits that it might be because he thinks she’s a buttface. Hair and makeup! BREAK!
Clips of everyone freaking out and blahblahblah. The personalities are pretty thin at this point so let’s move on to the show! Heidi comes out on the runway. Wow. Do you guys watch V? I can’t help it. There was a scene this week where a human that’s pregnant with a V is laying on her side and we see the alien squirming around inside her stomach. That’s what Heidi looks like right now.

She’s building an army! Seal’s gonna be piiiiiiiised!

Let’s say hi to the judges! Hi Kors!

Hi Nina!

Hi guest judge Cynthia Rowley! Sorry Design Star fired you! Those bastards! Down with Vern Yip!

Calm down on the tightening, lady! You look like Jaysian’s sister!

Jaysian’s Seventy Six Trombones costume is first, but with parachute pants. I don’t get it, but I haven’t really vibed him all year so that’s no surprise. It does look ringleader-y. But, like, LITERALLY.

Up close, the pants are pretty cute. Fattening, but well made. Mila’s created a comic book villain outfit. I’ll bet she dreams of really sticking it to Batman.

Also, she ripped that symmetrical black and white bs off from herself. This looks like something Old Ham would wear to go to Target.

Nina’s not amused. Or she’s just trying to hide that last bit of baby arm hanging out of her mouth.

Flamingay’s dress looks a hell of a lot better than it did in production, but it’s bad. Not very circus-y, but I guess he can make the argument that he made wings cuz he based it on the air acrobat?

Emilioth is next. The black and white stripes look pretty, but the dress is basically just a saloon dress in updated fabrics and a permanently hitched up front. When the model turns around, it looks worse. The red is an obvious sloppy afterthought and those polka dots are ridic.

Old Ham has stuck with the Hamburgler theme. But this isn’t any ole Hamburgler. This is the mfing queen of the Hamburglers. The model looks like a half run over striped turtle.

Poor thing has less of a neck than Billy Joel.

He shakily tells the judges that he was totally overwhelmed emotionally by the circus. HAHAHA. He’s actually made everyone else look really good. Will they get rid of him? He’s been consistently good this season…Heidi likes it! Nina likes the drama and fantasy but thinks it’s too costumey. Rowley calls it interesting. Kors says the pants need a giant peen in them to fill them out. HAHA. I can’t believe they didn’t rag on that one. It blew. And by the way, of course his pants were shiny.
Nina says she doesn’t mind Flamingay’s dress from the middle up but below the waist it’s boring as hell. Kors goes up to feel the dress and can’t believe it’s polyester! OH NOOOOO! He calls it a big blue condom. Heidi asks Jaysian to take off the jacket and he does. She says it’s too plain but Nina calls it all beautifully done.
Kors loves Mila’s, but Nina’s not convinced. Rowley is wearing the same pink so she likes that, but doesn’t like the shininess. Heidi calls Emilioth’ work stunning, Rowley calls it genius, and Kors says it’s his fave of the season. ? They have to say why they wanna go to fashion week. Old Ham says that he’s a good tailor and if he got to choose he’d take Emilioth and Jaysian. Jaysian says he can be amazing at fashion week and he’d take Old Ham cuz he’s good and he’d like to share the experience with Flamingay cuz he’s funny. Then he cries. Oh wahsian. Mila is miserable cuz no one has named her as a fave, but she chooses Emilioth and Old Ham to go with her. Emilioth yammers on for too long about how amazing he is and he would take Old Ham and Mila! WOWEE! See Mila! The one you hate the most chose you! AWWW!
Flamingay cries too, and says if he went to fashion week he’d be sure to trust his viscera. LOL. I love him, but there’s no way in hell he’s going to fashion week when he just made a polyester gown. No no no no. I’m sad that we won’t get to see his home footage though. Meeting his mother could have made this whole season. He would take Jaysian and Emilioth. Nina looks grossed out by the emotion on stage.

In private time, the judges uniformly gush over Emilioth. They know Old Ham didn’t do his best, but Heidi says he’s innovative and they’d all be excited to see what he whipped up for fashion week. Kors is mortified by Flamingay’s poly choice. Heidi says he’s technically less skilled but still talented. Kors thinks Mila’s clothes are always flat and one dimensional. He liked the jacket. Rowley argues that her work wasn’t relevant, but Kors counters that she knows how to construct her ass off. Kors doesn’t know who Jaysian is, but knows he has taste.
Time for a decision! The designers come back out. Emilioth is the winna! He will be going to fashion week. YAYnot. He thath he’s humbled. I’ll believe that when I see it. Old Ham is complimented on his originality as we’re shown clips of his stuff. It almost all looks the same.

That said, I think he’s the best of the bunch. Striking today’s mess. He’s in! Heidi says Flamingay won some big ones but he’s done well. And he’s out. WAAAAHHHHHH. That was fair, but stillwaaaahhh. Heidi says that Mila’s look today fell short of her normal talent. She says that Jaysian’s work tonight was good but too safe. Mila’s in! Does that mean Jaysian’s out? She looks at Jaysian with a big smile like she’s waiting for a hug, but he’s like what are you looking at bitch? He’s also in!! They are both going, but only one of them will show. Kors looks totally excited for them.

How did you guys feel about all this? I was really rooting for Flamingay, obvs, but I can’t call bs on that one. Old Ham, Mila, and even Emilioth are deserving of going to the finals in my eyes. Jaysian? Not sure about that. I can’t remember anything he’s made except those trash bag leather pants. Either way, we’ve got two finale episodes, a reunion, and a full rundown of all the final ten designers’ collections to run down in the next few weeks so I’ll see you next time! Thanks for being here.

I blame my viscera. I’m sewing it up the second I get home.

No, not Jessica Alba. She never died. She’s here though.

My DVR started late for some reason, so I missed the very beginning. It’s as if it was still in mourning over the passing of Flamingay too. WAAAHHHHH!!! Well, sometimes you have to be a big person and just get over it.
Mila says the judges were super hard on everyone last week. By everyone she means her, of course, cuz it was the first time she’s been dissed like that. They’re mean every week. Welcome to the party, Natasha!

She says that age has taught her how to move on. And how to put little bits of toilet paper in her panties in case she goes over a speed bump and pees a little. And how to make each eye look at something completely different.

Maya talks about how scary it is to be the youngest person in the competition. Oh come on. This isn’t American Idol and it’s not like you’re sixteen years old. Sing some songs your grandma made you sing in front of millions of people and then listen to a bunch of hags in bad clothes tell you you’re a robot with no personality and no chance in hell of ever realizing their dreams. Then come talk to me, you wuss! Simon Cowell would spend ten minutes of airtime on your uneven ass bangs alone.
Heidi comes out in her Nanny before the no lactose diet muumuu.

Because Fran Drescher should get a shout out in every recap ever written. Amen.

She tells the designers that their challenge for the week is to design for a pain in the ass celeb. This show’s idea of “celeb” has been known to be a little wonky so I’m hoping for Emilio Estevez. He’d be all “I want Dockers and wife beaters! AAAARGH!”
I think that Retired Adam Hambert has been having sex with Kors to win this thing. Or at least getting naked with him in the spray tan booth.

Meemaw what happened to your face?!?!

The celeb is Heidingo ate my baby!! She tells the designers how picky she is. She says this while wearing Fred Flinstone’s nightgown, so it’s hard to believe her. She says she wants them to dress her thin cuz she will have squeezed out her baby seal by the time she wears it. Heidi totally screwed over Jay when she hired him to design a dress for him, so I am still pissed at her for that. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, you need to search high and low for the pilot and only episode of Project Jay NOW. I’ll wait. Wasn’t it good?!? Told ya! Point is: don’t trust Heidi. When they say she’s a demanding bitch they ain’t jokin’. Old Ham has the right idea. He’s sketching a pitchfork.

Jonathan thought his non-microwavable straightjacket last week was amazing and can’t believe the judges hated it so much. He’s decided that he’s in backwards land so he’s gonna make something he thinks is hideous and will probably win. LOL! That’s the fighting spirit! He moans that he doesn’t know how to be on top. I’ll wait for all of y’all’s shock to pass at that one. No one? Come on, ANYONE? Well, the world needs good bottoms. Chin up. Or down, as it were.
Mila doesn’t “do” red carpet dresses. Well, just look inside yourself and find all that glamour and sexiness hiding inside. Still waiting. Come on Mila we don’t have all day for you to find the glamour inside of you! No, that’s just an old piece of bacon. Keep looking. Alright I’ll help: just wrap Heidi in something super tight and bright red. You’ll win. You’re welcome. Maya has disappeared from the workroom and no one knows quite why. My guess is she’s stress bang chopping. When she comes back, it’s with Tim. She has an announcement.
SHE QUITS!!! WTF?!?! She says that she’s not ready to go all the way in fashion yet and needs more time to develop! Stupid skank! Underdevelopment is what makes amazing fashion designers!! You think Betsey Johnson walks around dressed like Baby Jane cuz she took time to find herself? NO! She did meth and fucked homeless people behind dumpsters in the East Village! It’s called being an ARTIST! PUSSY!

Clips of Nina and the French Guy telling Maya that she’s a rip off artist and needs to find some originality. Then clips of her telling Tim that she’s not ready to be out there yet when she has so much growing to do. Ugh. Growing up is terrible for fashion. I can’t tell how Tim feels about this yet, cuz he’s got his screensaver face on.

Press esc to return to program.

She’s not even crying. This girl is on something. The designers don’t get it. Emilioth says that she’s just a quitter and quitters never win. I’ve agreed with Emilioth and I don’t know if I can ever forgive Maya for that. Mila’s crying! Her bangs are all alone in the world! Old Ham tells us that they work 20 hour days every day and we don’t understand the pressure and if we’re saying Maya’s an idiot for leaving then we can all fuck off cuz we don’t know what we’re talking about. LOL, Ham. Your audience is mostly made up of people with actual JOBS, k? You wanna know pain? Don’t refill water fast enough or take too long getting bread to a table and get your ass slapped by a fat mean waiter. I did that to my busboy just last week. Did he quit? No! He put some Visene drops in my water bottle and gave me the runs for three days. It’s called PROFESSIONALISM and DEDICATION.
Tim comes in with scrunchy powder face and gathers the designers to go to Mood. Emiolioth ith looking for thomething that’th really gonna make her popth! Seal’s penis has made her pop plenty. I’m sure she’s probably sick of popping. Give her a big potato sack with the crotch all sewn up to keep that man away from her.
Mila is going with grey and gold, but Old Ham says that he’s gonna go with black cuz those are most of the looks in Heidi’s look book, and also cuz that’s pretty much all he does. She wears black during pregnancy and post birth, and then she’s back in color. She just told you she wants you dress her for her post preggo look. But I wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself or anything, what with working so hard twenty hours a day. It takes a lot of energy to do something different. Go ahead and make tight pants and a jacket. I’m sure it’ll work out great. He says that now there are only five which means even he could go tonight. Then he smirks “not!” HAHAH.
Tim comes in with an announcement. They’re bringing a designer back!! OMG! Our favorite bird!!

See you guys? Prayer works!! Now Facts of Life just needs to be renewed for one last season and me and God will be on fabulous terms! Yaaaaayyyyyy!!! Flamingay busts in the room quoting “Gypsy” and then smiles big and tells us “I have a second chance at greatness!” And Project Runway has a second chance to not snoring the hell out of us for at least another episode! HOLLER BALLER! He laughs that people may not want him back and says “who wouldn’t want me back? I like me you should like me too!” I love him. And so does everyone else. Not even Emilioth bitches about him getting another chance.
Flamingay says he is the Ambassador of Second Chances, but this time he doesn’t give a cracker about the judges. He’s here to please himself. I’m crossing my fingers for lots of feathers and glitter and fluorescent. He is sent off to Mood while Jonathan works with a sofa cover.

Hey I just saw this at IKEA. He’s gonna be called “too referential.”

Emilioth says he’s working on a drapey masterpiece. Old Ham says he’s making something simple, and he sho is.

Post Pregnancy Full Body Spanx. I think these already exist, but they’re still genius.

Tim comes back in with scrunchy face, but this time he’s jutting out his jaw, which means the news must be really bad. He takes Old Ham outside for a private talk.

Uhoh! That jaw is never good news.

Mila says that the day is too dramatic for her to concentrate. Oh just block your colors into squares and shut your piehole. The big drama with Old Ham is that his model was offered a gig with Dona Karan on runway day. He’s pissed that she took it. LOL. Cuz working for peanuts on PR would be way better for her. How dare she better herself when Meemaw needs another win! He gets Carrie instead and is all drama about it. Puhleeze you’ve moved from one popsicle stick to another. Just call her Valaria. She won’t mind. This doesn’t have anything to do with anything, but Jonathan has taken the man scarf to a new level today. The man burp cloth. I hope he gets what he deserves for wearing that and someone barfs on his shoulder.

You’re asking for it.

Tim comes in to check on progress, and he’s with Fat Bitch Heidi! She sees Flamingay and calls him Miss Thang. This is his reaction:

And….Emmy.

No one’s happy to see her. Old Ham tries to explain to Heidi that he’s not just making a black dress, he’s making a “smoked black” dress. HAHAHAHAH. Huge huge huge difference. Heidi says there’s nothing wrong with black dresses, “but this needs something somewhere.” So this is what she’s like without cue cards. I’ve wondered often. She says on the red carpet it needs to be a showstopper. Her boobs can’t do all the work all the time.
Flamingay is next, and he’s doing black and white. Heidi doesn’t say anything about it, but Tim gives him a big positive thumbs up. Heidi says Emilioth is gonna have a lot of work to finish his detailed dress, but that’s a good thing. Heidi tells Jaysian to make sure he doesn’t make her look like a fat hooker. She doesn’t understand what he’s doing with the boobs part and he says he’s leaving space for between her boobs. She says there is no space there and shows him to prove it. He looks like he’s watching Halloween for the first time.

I think Heidi hates Mila. She tells her “simple isn’t bad, but are all the others better?” There’s some schnitzel for thought. Mila’s like um k thanks for coming by coffee later txtmebye. Heidi likes most of what Jonathan’s doing, but the couch fabric looks like curtains. She says to get rid of that and work with the other fabric. Tim comes in after each of her critiques and repeats them in a less c wordy way, which is hilarious. I love me some Tim Gunn. He should follow me around and smooth shit I say over. I might not be confined to my apartment with lean pockets and a laptop and a dog that smells like manure on fire.
The models come in for fittings and express their shock about Maya’s departure. I’m uncomfortable with models talking. It sounds like those fucking birds that whistle in the morning about nothing. Jaysian is totes stressed and screams like Cartman in that video above. Jonathan is taking Heidi’s advice orders, but the dress looks hideous.

He knows it, too, so he scraps it and starts over for the third time. I’m thinking that he chose black and orange. It’s gonna be hard to make that ok. Flamingay only gets to sleep an hour. I hope he loses it and tells someone off cuz you know it would be awesome. Mila is afraid of Heidi, and so is everyone else. Back at the workroom, Flamingay starts mumbling to himself. “I would like to send a special message out to Maya. Thank you. And God bless you, too!” HA. Old Ham tells us that he’s moving a little slow today, but that’s still faster than normal people. When did he become such a dick? Was he always like that and I was distracted by his clumps of missing Meemaw hair? I dunno, but I no likey.
Mila tells us Jonathan’s third dress sucks as much as the first two and at this point she’s just hoping someone sucks more than her. Tim comes to check on progress. Flamingay isn’t making much, but he insists that he’ll work through it. Come on! You can’t get kicked off again! Do the Beyonce monologue on the runway! No one would kick you off after hearing that. I’ve performed it like ten times this week. Model makeup! Smoke break brb.
Emilioth sayth that Old Ham’s look doesn’t say red carpet or Heidi. He even pronounces the “th” in Seth with a lisp. That’s some talent. I don’t think I’ve ever heard lisp squared before. Well done!
Runway time!!

Which is why I advocate sterilization of one in four women.

Kors looks like the old ball that Tom Hanks became friends with in Cast Away.

But jowlier.

Nina looks furious.

Let’s make this quick. I’ve got a toddler in the oven and I don’t want it to over cook.

The guest judge has spent a lot of time on the red carpet. Not cuz she’s ever been nominated for anything, but cuz even movies that rerun on Spike premiere somewhere. Jessica Alba!

Jessica’s version of typing up a resume.

Jaysian’s out first, and his dress has already been made on this show by LeAnne the Squircangle lover and on Fashion Show by Ana the Crazy Cat Lady. Jaysian has made his version different by making the model look like she’s going through an invisible turnstyle.

Seriously why is it all crushed in the jay?

The top is pretty, the bottom is hid-ey. And the whole thing has been done lots and way better. Mila made a slutty bowling alley cocktail waitress uniform.

The front is ugly, but the back is fugly. It’s like an interpretation of her crooked bangs.

Flamingay made Glenn Close’s costume from 101 Dalmations.

Old Ham made a long black dress that will show off Heidi’s after baby flab. Bad move.

Jesus woman did you just pop out the seal yesterday? Take a week off or something!

The back is real perty.

He seems to be the best with construction, but it would be nice to see something that doesn’t look like it belongs to a depressed stage manager. Jonathan! Wow. His model looks like she got shot in the ribs.

That might have worked without the orange and black. The grey (tan? can’t tell) is pretty and I could see Heidi wearing that. He’s prouder of the back than the front, which I don’t get. The back is a mess. The hem isn’t even even. Does this mean Flamingay has a chance?!?

Emilioth made a super simple sparkly red carpet dress. For the Telemundo Emmys. And why is there a fag tag on the front?

Nina looks thrilled by this dress.

I hope I marinated that brat in enough Worcestershire.

The editors are doing this creepy negative flash of all the models. You can see the sausage this one swallowed whole to get this gig. Creepy.

Nina thinks that Old Ham should have thought more about what Heidi would want. Kors says the model looks like one of the hos who carries the awards instead of the one who wins it. His defense, “I like it!” Heidi doesn’t see a wow factor there. All the judges love Flamingay’s dress, and Nina even calls it stunning!! WOWEE!! LOVE IT!! Alba likes Mila’s dress but thinks the bust is way too wide. Kors agrees. The last thing he wants to see are boobies, and Heidi says it’s not enough of a showstopper. With your boobs in it it would be. Moms would be hiding their children from the TV. Kors says Emilioth’th dreth is impeccable. Heidi compliments it but sounds bored. Nina says it could have looked cheap but turned out perfect.
Heidi loves Jaysian’s corset, but not his bottom. Kors says there’s not a woman on the planet who wants to look like she has a fat ass. Nina calls the model a fat bitch. Kors starts Jonathan’s critique with this face:

If he went natural for a week that face would look like this:

He says the back is nice but the front not so much and if the model didn’t wear panties her labia would be hanging out. Even Alba thinks it’s short and she doesn’t usually wear anything. Jonathan says it’s the third version, and Kors agrees that it looks rushed. In alone time, Heidi disses Old Ham for being safe and boring and Nina says that it looked like a dress at Sid and Nancy’s funeral. They all love Flamingay’s work today, and Alba says that if Maya couldn’t handle the show she’ll have serious trouble in real life. Snapple: Bad Slut Actress Flavor.
No one has anything nice to say about Jonathan’s dress, and Heidi says it looked like amateur hour. He’s out. No one understood Jaysian’s dress, but they seem downright pissed about Jonathan’s. Kors calls Emilioth’th dreth perfect, Nina loved it, I didn’t get it. Nina says Mila’s dress looks like it would be worn on The Real Housewives of New Jersey. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. I love me some Nina. Hey did you see Flamingay’s winning dress on the cover of marie claire? Neither did anyone else.

That winning strap is something else, huh?

The designers are brought back out. There is no winner for this challenge! There are two! Emilioth and Flamingay! YAAAYYYYYYY!!! Flamingay squeals and Alba asks if she can have the dress. Aw! This show can be heartwarming. Old Ham is safe. Mila’s safe. Jaysian and Jonathan are bottoms. Heidi tells them off and then aufs….Jonathan! Told ya. Jonathan was a sweet pasty man, but I can’t root for anyone with a fauxhawk.
So what did you guys think? Are you still onboard with this season? Did Jonathan deserve to be sent back to the sunless hole from which he came? Did Old Ham and Mila get off easy cuz they’ve been better in the past? Did God have a part in bringing Flamingay back from the dead? Thanks for being here. See you next week! xo

Tricky ass phone.

Previously, I WAS IN ACAPULCO!! HOLLER! That was a fun, grueling trip. Thanks to PottyMouth for keeping the ship running hilariously. I have lots of pics, but the best is of Mexico’s version of a cigarette stand:

I bought so many smokes off this brat by the last night he was randomly appearing next to me in bars going “Hey buuuuudddy!” LOL. I will miss you, little Marlboro man.

On with the cappage. Last week, Jaysian tried to erotically asphyxiate himself with a measuring tape.

Unfortunately, he survived.

We start the day with all the guys wearing shirts. Thanks be to Buddha. Jaysian may look like he just fell off the dumpling truck, but he works very hard on that fauxhawk.

Jorts. That is all.

Jonathan cries about “Eamy” being sent home last week. Unfortunately, his tears don’t fly upwards and do anything positive to his bedheadhawk. He’s starting to look like a super pasty Nina.

Anthony the Famingay knows that everyone’s probably shocked that he’s still on the show and not commandeering a gay boat around the world by now.

Maya’s jeal that she still hasn’t won a challenge. Bangs are bad luck. Heidi comes out onto the runway wearing half a Christmas wreath around her neck. You’d almost not even notice the baby. Stop denying your child, Heidi! She says that in this challenge, the designers will have to be creative. Then she punches out on the time clock and collects six million dollars in cash.
The clue was that they would have to choose more than just fabric today. Retired Adam Hambert says “what? Are we gonna get pocket elves to help us?” Then they show a little Asian pocket elf. Wow. The editors are rude. And amazing.

This is what Jaysian’s gonna look like when he figures out what conditioner is.

This is Vivienne Tam, a fashion designer. TamTam marries fashion and technology. In other words, she makes laptop cases that match her dresses. You’ll look awesome as long as you wear the same dress every day.

Girl, you’re starting to stink. Get a new computer.

Today the designers are gonna get to do something that every designer dreams about but never gets to do!! F a model? No! They’re gonna create their own textile! Jonathan is excited cuz he knows how to do it, but I’m not sure how everyone else is gonna handle this. Wait. So it’s basically Photoshopping. They get a free computer to draw stuff on and then it will be printed on fabric. I predict Jaysian will just draw giant penises. Fingers crossed!
Flamingay is skerd cuz he hates patterns. Mila is making a gay pride flag.

Cuz when gay people call me hag, they mean it as a compliment. Unlike when the grocery baggers do it. Or bus drivers. Or blind dates.

Everyone’s all impressed with the computers. They can use paintbrushes on them! Remember when we used pens and paper? SO GAUCHE! I kid, but I actually wrote out my shopping list this week with an actual pen and pad and my hand cramped. Flamingay’s all “drawing? Patterns? Computers? apsodigwpoirgh” and Old Ham throws up his hand and impatiently shows him how to use the Print button. Ha. Emilioth wants to make something that’th totally him, so he’s just making ththththththththth all over the dress. That dress is gonna get beat up.
Tim comes in to tell everyone how exciting this all is. Meh. I thought they were gonna actually have to create fabric out of something new. Like boogars or mud or cow poop or stale milk or something. Jaysian is so excited about drawing that he squats out the gum he swallowed in the fifth grade.

Ah Bubbleicious. Nothing better.

Flamingay says this is all too much like aaalgebruh. LOL. Old Ham is going to do something totally new today. A take on British punk! Well, he knows how to work a theme.

“Sounds like steam escaping.” – Blazing Saddles

Emilioth ith gonna do three pietheth. Mila is doing a strapless dress. She tries to be fun and throw yellow fabric over her head, but no one laughs with her. They all just throw lit matches her way. Come on guys, she’s trying!! She’s also trying to break herself from her black and white prison, but there’s a reason that she has stuck to what she knows so far.

As Flamingay puts it, “when we were children we played with Legos. I don’t wanna wear Legos.” Well, you’re wearing a member’s only jacket right now, which dilutes your point. Still, well said.

This is Jonathan’s textile.

Bwahahahahahahah

Mila, trying her hardest not to be pegged as the Wendy (coughtoolatecough) Pepper of the season, walks around the room giggling awkwardly. She stops at Flamingay’s table and asks him what he’s making. “So far, an ass out of myself.” She fake horsey laugh and then taunts “Anthony’s trying to make separates again!” She’s more tolerable when she’s just a cranky old lady with uneven bangs. When she tries to be nice she’s downright nasty. Flamingay is totally amused.

Emilioth sayth he’th fighting with hith vithera. He hates what he made and asks Flamingay for an opinion. Flam gets stink face and says “If that was someone else’s garment coming down the runway, what would you say?” Emilioth points and laughs and then complains that he hates children.

Emilioth scraps the bustier and stares of into space lisping about nothing.

So how’s that Organic Scientology working out for ya?

This is what happens in small towns without skating rinks.

When we come back from break, Emilioth is still bitching about his blue. “It’th not talking to me.” Maybe you should stop being so negative around it. Not much is going on in the workroom. Well, there’s working but who wants to talk about that? Instead, let’s go over to Flamingay for a deep monologue about our times.
“You know, I blame Beyonce for everything that go wrong in my life. There’s something about her song that make you think firss of all that you a size four, that you can conquer the worl, and I don’t know, you are all powerful. Do you think Beyonce has a song for people that can’t find jobs? Or the interview that you didn’t do so well in? Do she sing any songs about that?” Bwahahahahah!!! Then he goes off about Oprah, and how she wouldn’t book him on a “everyone gets a free car” day, and instead she’d force him on the “my husband has a porn addiction” show. “I don’t wanna go to that show, Oprah, cuz my uncle Leroy has the same problem.” LOL. Oh, Flamingay. Never change. Mila is rolling on the floor.

I’m gonna finally kill that darn Bullwinkle with a rolling pin. Surely it can’t fail.

She can’t wait to see her fabric, but says “if the colors are off, it’s gonna look like crap.” I love that she’s already looking for a machine to blame for her fugly ass design. Jonathan feels great! Let’s see how you feel when they deliver you a blank sheet tomorrow. Uh Oh!! Ham’s on the Sidekick of Doom!!

Honey could you send some Febreeze? My Meemaw hair is starting to smell.

There’s no way they’re kicking off Old Ham, so this is a fakeout. You will not trick me, Lifetime!! The next morning, the textiles are delivered. Flamingay made wallpaper for Liz Taylor’s guest bathroom. He shrieks “I love you and I don’t even know you yet!”

Jonathan lucked out. His fabric didn’t come back with no color. It came back with age spots.

Moisturize.

Maya designed a DNA chart.

You are NOT the father!

Mila tries to read Emilioth’th fabric, but she can’t understand it and tells it it sounds like it has a fist in its mouth.

Thpit out thothe marbleth and thpeak like a man!

Mila says “I don’t get it.” LOL. That making friends tour is going swimmingly. She tells us that Emilioth knows how to fit things but his fabric sucks and his taste is questionable. Won’t get any argument here, lady, but you will get a request for one eye to move independently of the other.

Thanks! Sandy Duncan’s got nothing on you.

Emilioth says his look ith toteth powerful. Mila doesn’t think her DNA chart is very her. Mila seriously stop whining. You’re starting to sound like Emilioth. Tim comes in to check on progress and starts with Mila’s gay pride flag. He doesn’t have much to say to her, and he doesn’t even slap her when she smiles fakely and calls him “TG.” Jonathan is making some sort of statement about C3P0 being thrown into a trash compactor.

I can’t tell if he’s for or against it.

Tim warns him about funky proportions, cuz what else can he possibly say? Tim doesn’t understand Emilioth’th lisping dress. Emilioth says it has his initials all over it, and Tim says “Seth Aaron Emilio Sosa.” BWAHAHAHAHAH. Emilioth stops him before he can add “sitting in a tree” and says that he doesn’t see it. Tim snaps “It’s all I see.” He almost repeats himself, but stops and says “I need to recalibrate my thinking.” In Tim speak, that means “hit me over the head with a frying pan so I can come down to your simple ignorant level. Otherwise, just suck less k?” Emilioth changes the subject and says he’s going for a 1940′s silhouette that’s been graffiti’ed so he can showcase the fabric. Tim says “yes, because without the graffiti it’s just a simple silhouette.” Emilio defensively snaps “classic silhouette.” Um ok then. Let’s just meet in the middle and stick with “SUCK” . Emilioth gets all pissed and tells us “Tim Gunn comes in and automatically mocks it. I do not listen to Tim whether he likes it or not.” Snapple: Hack Lisper Flavor.
Tim loves what Old Ham is making, but hates his fabric. Maya whines about not being a print person and Tim says that her pattern is good and she needs to stop being a pussy. Well, his face says that. Flamigay isn’t having much success with this one, so he tries to distract Tim by touching boobs.

Tim is concerned that he’s not being ambitious enough. Model fittings! Maya whines through the whole thing. Then whines about not winning a challenge yet. Emilioth tells us that Mila has made a teepee and she shouldn’t call herself a designer if she can’t work with color. He made a fucking tube dress. But glad that doesn’t get him down. Mila tells us that Flamingay is tacky but fun and she can’t imagine him making a collection in her lifetime, which could be anywhere from a month to a year depending on whether or not she remembers to take her calcium pills.
The next morning, Maya whines about being tired. Waaaah. Flamigay says Jaysian looks like a gay Christmas ornament. HAHAHAHAHAH.

I have nothing to add to that.

As hard as this may be to believe, Old Ham looks even gayer than Jaysian. Is he wearing Posh hair? He’s lucky women don’t have to get boners to have sex or he’d be childless.

Just. Wow. Kids in the Hall retired way too early.

Back at the workroom, everyone runs around trying to finish. Flamingay talks about himself in the third person but thankfully doesn’t say wackadoodle. He was starting to worry me. The models come in for fittings and hair and makeup! YAY! Smoke break! Flamingay says he doesn’t like Jonathan’s work cuz it’s as pale as he is and he just wants to throw a bucket of paint over at his side of the room. HA. Flamingay should be the new Oprah. You heard it here first. He even kinda looks like her when she was starting out.
Heidi comes out on the runway wearing a giant anchor around her neck. So chunky necklaces hide pregnancy fat. Thanks for the tip.

But they also make you look like you’ve got a shrunken head.

Kors is back! He looks like a Slim Jim.

Nina looks straight into the camera like she wants to eat our babies and our puppies.

What the fuck are you people looking at?

TamTam, or Future Jaysian, is the guest judge. Old Ham is out first. He’s ditched the British Punk thing and gone for a gay hobo look. Love the pants, but yikes on everything else. This guy knows how to tailor a jacket, but he probably should get called out on doing it every single week. Same shit, different fabric. The guy can construct, though. And he can leave the house in Kate Gosslin hair. You gotta give credit where credit is due.

All she’s missing is a flower in her pocket that squirts people.

Wait. The pants don’t fit for crap. Never mind. Hate the whole thing.

It’s never good when you give your model a dick.

It’s so ugly it messes up Nina’s hair. She’s gonna be pissed.

The best thing about Jonathan’s work is his mole-y skirt, but you can buy that anywhere. The top? The gold? If you put her in the microwave it would explode.

The hideous top comes off to reveal another hideous top. This one makes the poor model look like she’s got back fat spilling out. Boooo.

Maya has made a clown whore dress with a bib. Drooly ho!

Or you could close your mouth when you work. Just a thought.

Kors gives the dress a dirty look as it passes, and it’s hilarious. In his defense, he might just be getting feeling back in the middle part of his face.

Emilioth has done a new take on the maid uniform. And who wouldn’t want their maid parading around the grocery store with their initials all over it? Talk about branding. Don’t even try to steal my maid, bitches! The jacket is floofy and poorly tailored, but what’s under it is way worse.

Robert Redford is totally gonna offer Woody Harrelson a million pesos to sleep with this maid.

His massive fail is made more entertaining by his voiceover, which tells us how spot on and perfect his work ith. Mila’s model looks like that kid in the church play with a super lazy mom who refuses to put effort into her costume. Poor thing can barely walk. She looks like she has bound feet. I hope TamTam isn’t offended. She had to get her stupid black and white in there for the jacket, and it makes this even uglier. Which is a feat.

Yo Chinatown was last week. Stop being racist.

Nina is already mad at the dress. The model has to pick up a bit of it just to walk. Mila is going to beat her with a hot curling iron later.

Flamigay’s dress looks like it’s made out of spandex and varicose veins.

Jaysian’s jacket tailoring looks on point today, but his pants look like shit. The fabric is very Incredible Hulk as Fred Flinstone’s wacky neighbor. Fug.

Jaysian is safe! Wow. That was pretty bad. Everyone else has to stay on the runway. Heidingo ate my baby starts with Emilioth. He explains his graffiti, and Heidi says she is in love with everything about it. Kors seconds that, and Nina calls it fantastic from head to toe. WTF?!? That thing is hideous! Emilioth is a bitch, but he’s right about not listening to Tim. He’s been pretty off since the move to Lifetime. I don’t know if he just got a pay raise so now he can do more coke or what, but if Tim hates it it will probably win.
Mila’s next. Kors says there’s nothing intriguing about the print and it looks like a gay flag/Mexican serape. Heidi says it’s too old, Nina says the print is obnoxious. Nina doesn’t get Flamingay’s dress. She asks if he made a shrug. He says what he originally made died, honey. They laugh but Kors shuts him up and tells him to stop making excuses. Heidi has seen the same dress too many times from Flam.
Heidi likes that Old Ham is true to himself. Kors calls his work impeccable, and Nina calls it charming. Nina loves Maya’s print, but says the dress has too much going on. Kors is intrigued. TamTam is all tickatockaticka. I don’t get it. She sounds like the smoke monster approaching. Kors says Jonathan’s jacket looks like a disco straight jacket and his print looks like a dirty tablecloth. LOL. Jonathan is mortified and says to call his work a dirty tablecloth is preposterous. Is he gonna cry? Stay strong, kid! He puts the jacket back on the model, and Kors laughs evilly and says “the husband has to help the wife back into her straightjacket.” Then all the judges cackle. LOL. They’re horrible. They should all replace Simon on American Idol.
Nina says it’s poor, dirty, soiled and sad. Jonathan argues that sad is an emotion so they can’t call him emotionally detached and Kors says that he’s seen sad stuff before that was pretty. Ouch. Hopefully Jonathan will get so sad that he shaves his head. In alone time, Nina says Flamingay is full of excuses and Kors says he just takes simple dresses and decorates them. That’s unlike Emiloth how? Mila took the easy road and made her model unable to walk. Heidi laughs about Jonathan getting offended. but the judges agree that his was the worst. They compliment all of the top three, but they seem to like Old Ham the best even though they all liked Maya’s print the best. Will she actually win? I hope not, cuz I want to see how much her whining can possibly intensify. Ha! Emilioth winth! I don’t get it, but that’s nothing new. I can’t wait to watch him gloat to Tim. Old Ham and Maya are excused, and Maya whines about not winning. Then she curls up in a corner crying and hacking her bangs.
Flamingay’s out!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!NONONONONONOOOOOWHYGODWHY?!?!?!? Jonathan should have been out. His work was uglier and he didn’t have a Beyonce monologue! Flamigay says “I prove that you don’t have to have the crown to be the queen.” HAHAH. SO SAD. He takes the news with more positivity than any contestant ever. I heard that the top eight all got to show at Bryant Park, so I can’t wait to see pictures of that hilary mess. This show automatically just got a hundred times more boring. I am going to eat the neighborhood now. Thanks for being here.

Last week, one of the fugliest ass creations to ever walk the runway (at least on this show) kept Emilioth in the competition. So long, Straight Guy!! I read an interview with him this week talking about how he was mad at first, but now just looks forward to his acting career. LOL. So any producers looking for a cheap knockoff of American Psycho but need A cup man boobs, Straight Guy’s your man!
We open with a nice long shot of Jonathan putting on his makeup. It’s disturbing. Emilioth telth uth that he got thpanked by Kors and Nina and he doesn’t ever wanna go to a hardware store again. If his toilet gets clogged he’ll just swim in poop dammit. I find it hilarious that he’s so fearful of anything creative. I’d imagine with that speech impediment he spent much of his childhood inside hiding from bullies. His mother should have turned off the tv and handed him some crayons.

Listen, Drama, I’ve already fixed one disaster. I can’t just comb out an Emilioth. Shut it.

Mila and Mya play in the window, putting on a bang show for the bang perv across the street.

Oh yeah stay right there.

Dramatic music plays as Maya says that at first she was intimidated by everyone, but now that she knows them she can see their humanity. Really? Where? Maybe it’s on the editing room floor or some shit cuz I haven’t seen that. I’ve seen lots of man scarves and fauxhawks, though. And yes, it has made the men at least way less intimidating. As only fauxhawks and man scarves can.
Mila’s touched by Maya’s thoughtfulness. Why, she’s twice the girl’s age and like ten times less mature. I’ll wait for one of you to argue. No? She says that she is really starting to like Maya and doesn’t consider her competition. I’m getting a Notes on a Scandal vibe here, and it’s creeping me out. Gayness is perfectly acceptable on this show. But not lesbianism. Obviously. Otherwise a tool challenge would have been completely unfair.
Anthony Flamingay, Retired Adam Hambert, Jaysian and Ben sit around the kitchen sharing stuff like the Golden Girls. Old Ham is Dorothy, Jaysian is Rose, Flamingay is Blanche, and Ben is in jorts so he’s dead to me. Jaysian says “We’re like the Victoria’s Secret wonderbra. We lifted each other.” LOL. The only way this could be any better is if Dorothy casually asked Rose to hand him a fork and then stabbed him the eye with it.

Blanche is like uh huh the mailman had a heart attack in my bed are we gonna call the ambulance or what? I’ve got a date with a Senator tonight and a silk muumuu to steam.

Ben is sad that he doesn’t stand out from the pack. I see what he means. The only reason I remember that he even just spoke like two seconds ago is cuz I typed it. Flamingay is still confused by Tim’s critiques last week and says “I been tryin to find my viscera for two days!” HAHAH. Man I hope he doesn’t get kicked off today. Or ever. Shit, I hope he wins American Idol, Amazing Race and America’s Next Top Model. You guys, why is Mila dressed like ground beef?

Heidi comes out looking like a bruise. A pretty bruise. That still hasn’t learned English.

Vilkommen to da challenge me likey rice and beansas lollipop schnitzelwiezen.

No one gets immunity from this challenge on! Tim will meet them on the roof to help them channel their natural creativity. Finally. They’ll have to make dresses out of boogars and belly button lint. Emilioth will be all “I don’t like boogars I’m an ARTIIISThT!” Tim brought along his houseboy Paco to read the cue cards filled with challenge instructions. He says that Garnier Fuctis is made with natural ingredients. It is not! That shit’s less natural than M&Ms. Here’s the ingredient list:
Sodium laureth sulfate, coco- betaine, laureth- 5 carboxylic acid, sodium chloride, trimethylsilylamodimethicon, cocamide mipa, polyquaternium- 10, pyrus malus/apple fruit extract, PPG-5-ceteth-20, laureth-2, parfum/fragrance, sodium methylparaben, DMDM hydantoin, niacinamide, pyridoxine hc1, persea gratissima/avocado oil, citric acid, saccharum officinarum/sugar can extract, prunus armeniaca/apricot kernel oil, linalool, citrus limonum/lemon peel extract, camellia sinensis/camellia sinensis leaf extract, ci 15985/yellow 6, ci47005/yellow 10, and f.i.l D6802/1. And a tiny piece of kiwi.
So what? A shampoo challenge? Cuz Old Ham could use one.

The task is to design something based on one of the four elements. Jaysian is last weeks winner, so he gets to choose his own element. He chooses rice cakes, and Tim’s like no honey you have to pick between air, water, fire or earth. He takes air cuz it has the fewest calories. Then the rest of the designers pick their elements from Paco’s bag. Mila picks Earth, which isn’t really her thing. But I’m sure she can find a way to color block in browns. Flamingay picks, and Tim says “Flamingay’s on Fire!” Ha. Unfortunately, they will be shopping at Mood today. DAMN! I was hoping for a plant store or something. Basically they can just pick blue fabric and call it water inspired. Lame. Ben has Water, but he doesn’t like the flowy nature of water so he’s gonna base a suit on sharks instead. Yes, it will be hard, but so is drudging though life in New York without sleeves and he’s doing it, dammit.

What are the opposite of pushups? Well, whatever you call em stop doing them if you’re going to go sleeveless on TV.

He knows it will be difficult doing all that tailoring, but he’s got to make an impression. So to keep his eyes on the prize, he’s sketching one of the most talented designers there.

Emilioth is Earth, and says his model is “of color”. I think you’re allowed to say black. But not mulatto, cuz that’s just rude. Ok let’s just stick with “of color. th”.

You know who wasn’t of color? Queen Victoria. Just sayin.

Emilioth isn’t really a challenge follower, so he’s forgetting the whole earth thing and just going with draping. At this point, he just needs to not send a bare vag down the runway and he’ll get the most improved award. Flamingay says that failure isn’t an option at this point, but he’s sketching pretty much the same simple (snore) type of dress he’s made a few times already. Hambert is wearing a dog collar and fake pearls as a bracelet. I don’t really have anything to say about that, but I just can’t let it slip by cuz I’m a historian, dig?

War and Fleas by Flipit

Ham is going all out on this one. He’s creating life. Judy Jetson lives! But since she’s been dead so long she will probably be infected with Smoke Monster and just start slitting throats.

Maya’s gonna make a woman coming out of the water, and Jonathan’s gonna create his own textiles. It sounds super complicated and fascinating, but at the end of the day his sketch just looks like a pinata.

You hit it with a bat until laxative pills and diet Fanta fall out.

At Mood, Jaysian says that he wants to do “something like tornado like or something.” Sure about that?

Flamingay doesn’t think of red when he thinks of fire, he thinks of what his pastor’s house looked like after someone burned it down. Tim’s like uh….well alrighty then I was kinda hoping for more purple….

All this really needs is a cute belt.

Old Ham has gotten himself in a better mood about the challenge, cuz he realized that since he got air he can do midnight in NY. Black! Fake jewels! Homeless pee stains! He’s gonna send Judy Jetson down the runway with a limp and a bruise on her eye just to make it authentic.
Everyone’s nervous. For the next few minutes, they just sit around and sew. Jonathan says that the other designers don’t see him as a threat and it pisses him off. Then he walks around hugging everyone and telling them how awesome they are. If you want them to fear you, you’re gonna have to learn to make Mila face.

AAAAAGHGHGH!

People with glasses are evil. Got it. Thanks, Lifetime!

Tim comes in to check on progress with Paco the houseboy, who gives the designers hair consultations. Well he gives their models hair consultations. He’s not a miracle worker. This is basically a five minute ad for Garnier, so let’s just skip it. I don’t believe in natural products. I want cancer in my conditioner, thank you very much. Is this the stone age?
Jonathan’s Air inspiration comes from laughter. Uh oh. That can’t be good. The last thing you want is for judges to be laughing at your stuff. You should have gone with burping. Everyone can relate to that. Tim calls his work stunning. Old Ham is next, and Tim calls him “believable”. Not as a thirteen year old goth girl though, unfortch, so Ham is left moping. Amy Irana is creating a bowl to fill. I don’t know what the hell she’s talking about. Action music plays as Ben shows him his shark suit and Tim is worried that it’s gonna be boring. Then he asks his name again.
Either everyone’s doing really well today or Tim’s just in a good mood cuz Paco’s there, cuz all he really says is “I have confidence in you!” “You’re an artist!” and “My penis hasn’t stayed this hard this long since Kennedy was in office!” Not one four syllable word in the whole segment. Stop watering down Tim with your funny language and your foot rubs, Paco!
Fitting time! Jonathan’s model? Isn’t laughing.

He’s worried that his dress is too literal. He should be worried that his dress is fugnacious. Hopefully it gets better with time, cuz I like Jonathan. He’s so proudly pasty. Mila says that Ben’s idea is good, but his trousers are hideous and “not doing anything for his model’s crotch.” Well, they’re probably absorbing whatever fear of going home pee she’s most likely dripping.

Oops I Crapped My Pants!

Ben has never made pants before. You don’t say! Why are you doing that now? Oy. My dog had to get stitches a couple of weeks ago and she came home wearing Irana’s dress around her neck.

This hurts me more than it hurts you, mkay?

I was joking earlier about Mila’s Notes on a Scandal slant today, but I think Judi Dench actually wore this frumpy ass costume in that movie.

Here come the local pubescent proles. The future plumbers, shop assistants, and doubtless the odd terrorist too. In the old days, we confiscated cigarettes and wank mags. Now it’s knives and crack cocaine. And they call it progress.

Mila dances around and sings to her model “we’re gonna go to Bryant Park together!” Then she takes hair from the model’s brush and keeps it in a baggie in case she ever needs to frame her for something. Flamingay’s black and grey dress is coming along, and he says that not only is black fashionable, “it’s Presidential.” Ha. Mila calls him out on using color blocking, and then asks if his inspiration is air. He frowns. “Fire.” “Fire? Ooooohhhhh;( yikes ur goin home kthnxbye”. He says that she hurt his feelings, and then she looks up and gives him this evil little smile.

One miiiilion doooooolllars!

Jonathan says that “some” designers are being waaay to loose with their inspirations. Dude, you’re making laughter. Shut up. Your dress looks like a wet piece of toiletpaper. Back away from the Flamingay! I have AquaNet and a match and I will use it! Fauxhawked lispy ass mothatrucka!
We don’t get to see what this little fit is about, but Emiloth looks like he just heard about Liza falling out of bed for the first time.

WHY?!?! WHYYYYYY!?!?

Freak out time! Everyone’s super behind. Again, Old Ham already has one of the best pieces. Dramatic music plays. It’s the theme from Halloween or something. Jeeze is someone gonna get murdered? I know you’re trying to make up for last season, Lifetime, but seriously this is one show of yours that no one needs to get chased on, k? Ooooh, I know why it’s playing now. Cuz Ben’s talking on the Sidekick of Doom!

Spoiler alert!

He’s talking to his husband, who looks like a lesbian version of Macaulay Culkin. See guys, there doesn’t always have to be a top. If this were Let’s Make a Deal, I’d wager that at least one of them had a double edged dildo in their purse.

He cries, cuz he’s been with the wife for a year and a half and they’ve never been apart longer than three days! It’s cuz you’ve only been together a year and a half. Soon you’ll be booking cruises so you can not have to look at each other except at meals. Welcome to marriage! Now it’s not just for boring straight people! It’s for boring gay people too!
Emilioth wakes up the next morning the same way he wakes up every other morning. Lisping about how he’s probably gonna get kicked off so anyone within earshot will tell him how fabulouth he ith. Jonathan is kinda sick of it, so his cheer is half assed.

You’re awethum. Yawn.

The designers get to the workroom and get moving. Jaysian finishes half an hour early and helps out Ben. AW! Mila’s feeling confident. At least enough to go out of the house looking like this.

You keep making me look at patterns like this and I’m gonna be as cross eyed as you. Wait. Is that the point? You tricky bitch!

She’s running behind on her pants, but she still takes the time to flirt with her model.

Wanna touch toes?

Flamingay doesn’t think Old Ham’s dress will make any woman feel womanly, but I don’t think he’s getting the point of Old Ham. It’s not to make women more feminine, it’s to make them less feminine and men more feminine so we’re all on an equal, pale, ungroomed playing field. Or maybe I’m just misunderstanding the goth movement. Flamingay is, however, spot on at being horrified by the hairy boobs Irana is giving her model.

Oh sure! Make the drag queen walk the plank with hair on his chest! You just set this guy back years of progress and completely wasted his chest waxing allowance.

Flamingay says “she needs to Nair the hair up there!” HAHA. Runway time!! Don’t forget the golden goose, Jack.

Let’s say hi to the judges! Hi, Kors!!

Hi Nina!

And our guest judge, French Cheese!

I like da cheezes America eez ztoopeedz.

His designs have been worn by Cameron Diaz! So I take it he doesn’t design underwear or class or believable acting roles. HEYOH! Maya’s first out with a prison uniform from the future. I don’t get why the hair looks like Phantom of the Opera mask, but I don’t have any idea why anyone would wear a dress that makes them appear to have hairy arms, either. Her inspiration was water. Get a Brita.

Jaysian made a stewardess party dress.

Push the service button for FUUUUN!!! WOOHOO!

His element was air so he went for a tornado. I have a feeling this fashion show is gonna be about how we have a lot of pollution. Don’t preach to me, PR! Wait, there’s more! He’s also wrapped that stripe bs around tights. This one’s pretty bad.

So when’s that house gonna fall on you? It’s the only thing that will make this work.

Ben’s suit is way less hideous than we were led it would be, but it’s still pretty bad. And boring too. I would type more, but we all know he’s going home so let’s just move on dot org.

I love me some Flamingay, but he basically just made the same dress that won him the Marie Claire challenge in a different color. He squeals as the girl walks, but she looks a pile of laundry you try to fold yourself instead of taking to the Asians.

He compares his model to a horse, which is awesome. Mila is next. She’s really updated the dowdy single book of the week club member look.

Did no one realize at Mood that they were all buying grey? God is totally offended right now cuz he really put some effort into colorizing the world, you know? Jonathan is next, and his dress looks way better than it did in the workroom, too. He calls it breathtaking. I wouldn’t go that far, but it’s handy to have a built in head rest, especially if you survive on less than fifty calories a week.

Put your seat up. We’re landing.

The collar is pretty much the only thing this dress has going on. Otherwise it’s a summer sale at Dress Barn.

Irana’s Tom Jones Chest dress is out next. Wow. I don’t really know what to say about this so here you go.

What’s new, Pussycat?

LOL


Yes, you saw it right.


Then the French Guy’s all “oooh I ave dated zeez geerl!”

Emilioth made a dreth out of Othcar the Grouchth.

Old Ham’s designing for a young Stevie Nicks here, but I like Stevie Nicks. It’s pretty much exactly what you’d think he’d make. Pretty hacky. In the workroom it looked like it would be awesome, but it’s pretty meh. He sticks to his teenage rebel guns, though. How is this supposed to represent air again?

The French Guy has tried to shave a thin mustache, but the rest of it’s grown back already. It’s gross.

Wipe your face.

Flamingay, Emilioth, and Jaysian are safe! I’m happy for Flamingay, cuz he could have been in copy trouble on that one. Mila says she was inspired by stones. Kors thinks she’s been innovative in the past but he’s sick of her one trick pony bs. Nina thinks it looks like it came from a different designer. Frenchy is sad that she deedn’t mage a showgaze. Heidi calls boolsheet on Old Ham’s air story, but all of the judges think he’s consistent and good. Frechy loves the boot trouser things, which are really cool. I didn’t notice those before.

The shoes from Gadzooks can go though. GROW UP ALREADY.

Kors calls Maya’s dress chic, the French guy mumbles about cheese or something, and Nina says that Maya draws too much from other designers. Irana calls her mess “controlled chaos.” Only controlled cuz she’s literally holding it up herself.

Tranny harassment!

Heidi calls it a cat in a baby sling and Kors says she looks like a waitress serving hair. LOL. Kors likes it without the hair, but Nina gets pissed and says “It’s just ok. Come on guys.” That one really made Nina mad. I feel sorry for any puppy unfortunate enough to cross her path today. Kors hates Ben’s shark thing and says it’s just an ill fitting suit. Heidi says if you can’t make a suit, don’t. Then she makes a face and says “Bizzaaah”. LOL. Kors is most upset at the literal shark teeth buttons on the sleeves.

GET IT?!?

Jonathan’s homemade textile looks way better up close. It reminds me of a scab.

The judges all fawn over it and call it amazing and fantasteek! Kors calls the hair and makeup best in show. Poor models are literally being referred to as animals tonight. It’s about time. In alone time, the judges say they don’t know what kind of artist Maya is. Ok American Idol. They like Maya but she’s kinda a rip off. They like Ham’s leather, and they absolutely love Jonathan’s work. He’s gonna win something!! WOWEE!
Kors says there was a lot of crap out there today. Heidi gives Ben credit for being better in the past, and Kors gives Irana credit for being artistic even if her hair dress was terrible. Kors says that Mila’s outfit looked like a walk a mally outfit. HAHAH. Then this commercial comes on.

Old Ham’s in! Jonathan wins!! WOWEE!! Congrats buddy!! Now comb your hair. Maya’s in! Mila’s in! I guess how this is gonna turn out. Ring ring! Ben’s out! AW. He takes it like a m…well ok that was a bad time to use that. He takes it. Period. He gets to go back to Macaulay though, which is sweet. I would tell you what he said, but he sounds like one of those noise machines you play at night to help you sleep. Next week is a team challenge! YAAAYYYY!!!
I will be in Acapulco next week! HOLLER!! PottyMouth will be taking over the recap and you can expect it sometime over the weekend! Love you guys, I miss you already. Kick some ass, PottyMouth!!

Last week, there wasn’t an episode. Usually this would mean a night off and celebration, but I’m sorry. I was hungry for screaming queens and there was nothing to satisfy me!

All better.

I heard the reason it was a repeat last week was cuz Lifetime figured everyone would be watching male ice skating on the Olympics. LOL. Only this show would do that. Gay people are only ten percent of the population and we can’t be split up onto too many different channels.
Ten designers left!! Emilioth tellth uth that thith ith the time to pull out all the sthtops. Why don’t you pull out the sthtops? OR JUST STHTOP TALKING. Why is TV land trying to shove lispers down our throat? This show and now American Idol. Are speech impedimented people the next class of minorities or some shit? Cuz if lispers start getting full scholarships on our tax dollars I’m gonna be pithed.
Mila is sad that so many women have been kicked off. Riiiight. She says that it’s empowering that there are still three of them left. I don’t know how that’s empowering, but I’ll roll with it cuz I’ve had a week off. After all, she didn’t say “empowering to women”, she’s just got enough couth to not say “empowering to me.” The guys way outnumber them, and before Old Ham and his roomies leave for the day they do a four is enough cheer. By the end of the day, may four people return!! Jaysian says “three”. He either miscounted or doesn’t consider himself one of the guys. If this was, say, any other show, I would understand his insecurity, but he’s standing in between Ben and Flamingay, who’s dressed like the incredible Hulk’s Mom in her finest wintergreen church jacket.

Where do they even sell jackets in that color?

Happy St. Patricksgay. Let’s go out and drink some green queer. What am I talking about? I don’t know. Why am I still typing? Still don’t know. Shamcock.
Didn’t Heidi already wear this? Damn Heidi. Did you have a long night or what? You should keep a change of clothes at the office just in case. Pregnant slut.

In her defense, there are only so many dresses that can make you look like you’re standing behind a houseplant in 1953.

Stop trying to camouflage the kid. He’s gonna have a complex. Retired Adam Habert has immunity today. Unfortunately, that only extends to the boundaries of the show and doesn’t cover things like syphilis or bacterial vaginosis or general Peter Goth Pan syndrome. In other words, you’re safe, but you’re still forty and need antibiotics. Sorry, champ!
Heidi is super cryptic tonight, saying Tim will meet them to give them their “TOOOOLS” for the challenge. As obvious as this may seem (cuz I’ve seen commercials for it for two weeks), Straight Guy is confused and already slightly offended.

How am I supposed to make an entire dress out of penises? I’M STRAIGHT, K!?

Since the show is about tools, let’s go say hi to Kors at his store!!

Your forehead looks so smooth!

Oh wait. Sorry. That was an employee or something. This is the real Kors. He’s injected all the fat from his jowls into his face. He may have less wrinkles for now, but he looks like a volleyball that got left out in the sun. For decades.

You don’t look younger, dude, just scarier. How are your eyes even still moving?

If we weren’t shown a shot of the back of his head, I’d guess that he’s taken a rubber band and pulled his extra skin back super tight like a ponytail made out of sharpei puppy.
They designers are gonna have to think outside the box today! They will have to shop at Homo Depot!! Guess who’s scared shitless? All the gay people. Seriously. Look at Emilio’th face.

He’s offended that he’s being asked to get “crafty”. He’s an artitht, dammit! They not only have to make clothes, they have to make accessories too. This has just started and it’s already my favorite challenge. No Homo Depot! This is New York, so they have to entice you to buy hardware in different ways. Like having a super fancy sign and a name that sounds a little too much like semen.

Got any holes to plug or pipes to flush? Come to Semen’s! Swallow up our discounts!

They get a hundred and fifty bucks and thirty minutes to shop. Emilioth kinda stands in an aisle and just screams for help. He ends up just taking washers and cord, and he can barely lift it all. I can’t wait to see these models walk in heavy stuff. Limping’s funny. Emilioth is way over budget so he only gets to keep half of what he took. Hey, this isn’t a math competition, ok? At least he knows the difference between three and four, JAYSIAN!
Jaysian, whose hair is indescribable today,

says that everyone is taking the easy way out and making a dress, so he’s gonna really push the boundaries and make some pants. Chigga please. You can’t even draw pants.

Girls with square vaginas rejoice!

Straight Guy says that it’s pretty rough, so he’s just hoping (in a nice way) that someone crashes and burns. Cut to Old Ham, who’s taking a hammer to a sheet of metal and a dress form. It’s disturbing. I’m guessing while watching this that his wife is fairly obedient.

Sir, being served a cold dinner is no reason to treat a woman like this.

Mila’s like fuck this I’m just gonna concentrate on a pretty necklace and pray the rest works itself out. This is the perfect time for her to take a ruler and put it up to her bangs to try and straighten that shit out, but she doesn’t. You can lead a horse to water, but then it wouldn’t be thirsty and need you as much and might give you more attitude in the long run. So fuck it. Let the horse be thirsty.
Flamingay is going for “soft and airy”, and Jonathan hates tools more than he hates children. Emilioth doesn’t have enough cord, so he’s using hot pink string and washers to make macrame. LOL. The other designers make fun of him for making a stripper outfit, and he gets all pissy and leaves to take a breath and chew on his tongue for awhile. It looks like he’s heading for disaster, but it can’t be as bad as whatever it is Kirstie Alley’s heading for.

When we come back from break, Emilio’th still frustrated and I’m eating two Hot Pockets at the same time. I blame Kirstie Alley. Ben has chosen to work with copper, and he’s surprised at how hard it is to work with. “My hands look like they’ve been attacked by a feral animal.” LOL. Mila is going for black and white, and knows that the judges will probably be sick of that by now but she doesn’t care. There is banging and pounding all over the room, and it’s starting to make Emilioth crazy.

For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf

Straight Guy bought mesh which turned out to be sticky, like a giant piece of fly paper. You guys, sometimes we need to take a break from the fun of gay breakdowns and tool confusion to hear real stories about real people. Did you know Jaysian comes from a poor immigrant family? Let’s watch him cry about it! He’s had to fight for everything he’s got!

All my life I had to fight. I had to fight my daddy. I had to fight my uncles. I had to fight my brothers. A girl child ain’t safe in a family of men, but I ain’t never thought I’d have to fight in my own house!

OK, Color Purple. You know what I had for lunch today? FINGERNAILS! WAAAHHHH. Then I shoplifted some Hot Pockets. Cuz it’s manlier than crying on Lifetime. Grow a pair, Jaysian! Being poor tells us a lot about who he is as a designer. But does it explain why you’re wearing jorts right now? DOES IT?!

Poor people are so gauche.

Flamingay can’t figure out how to sew all this stuff together. “These materials are startin’ to control me!” I love him so hard. He says that he paid forty five dollars for duct tape and it’s not sticking to anything. DAMN! Forty five bucks? New York is a bitch. I moved away when cigarettes started costing ten bucks. And that was seven years ago. Now they only take toddlers as payment, and my ovaries are all dried up. Bastards.
Tim comes in to check on progress, and says “I feel like I’m in the arms and armor wing at the Met!” No one gets it. LOL. Oh Tim and his blue collar humor. He makes Frasier Crane look like Kevin James. He starts with Mia and is excited by her black and white paint tray outfit. Straight Guy is going for Elizabethan, but Tim says Elizabethan women didn’t wear mini skirts and it looks like a school play. “And not even high school or college. Elementary School.” Straight Guy doesn’t know how to take that, so he stays quiet and then giggles. When that doesn’t work, he shows off some cleave.

Tim looks around the room and sees that a lot of people are using copper. He no likey. Pennies don’t bring fancy to mind. When he gets to Emilioth, he scrunches his face and says “what are you doing?” HAHAHA. Emilioth tries to describe it as intergalactic, but it’s just a bunch of pink string hanging off the dress form’s neck. Tim asks if it’s gonna be a bikini, and then suggests that his innovation can be a bottomless dress. Pong already did that. I feel awful for Emilioth, and by awful I mean I hope and pray that we get to see him sob and spit all over the camera at some point during this episode.
Tim knows Flamigay’s work is his cuz of the color. Tim says it’s “tortured” and “a horror”. Jaysian is next and Tim is impressed with the leatherish looking pants made out of trash bags. Let’s study Tim’s impressed face.

Jaysian’s pants might not fit and he might not be able to sew a zipper into them without breaking them and he might not have time to make an accessory, but otherwise great work. I don’t want to hear excuses from him. If anyone should know how to make do with odd materials it’s a poor person. Right now I’m using an old Karen Carpener album as a plate for my Hot Pockets. Partly cuz I don’t have a record player any more, partly cuz I don’t want to do a dish, and partly cuz I’m hoping it will inspire me to throw up later.
Maya’s doing something pretty cool with Venetian blind cords for the collar, and Tim calls her necklace stunning. It looks like baby corns from here, but it’s actually made out of giant keys. If lesbians watched this show, they might be inspired to ditch those dyke chains they wear on their belt loops and switch to something a little more fashion forward.

Granted, this might make it a little more difficult to open storage closets and stuff, or whatever they do with those keys. Seriously, lesbians. What’s with the keys? Stop locking everything up. No one’s gonna steal your mullet.

The models come in for fittings, and Jaysian’s model can’t even get her feet into her pants. Emilioth doesn’t have anything done, so he pitches “Valley of the Dolls 2010″ to her. She’s like “what’s that?” then snorts some crushed up aspirin off the table. Jaysian’s model is super supportive and says “I’ll Crisco if you need it.” If he had a nickel….well, he wouldn’t be crying about being poor. He’d be crying about the huge cut those stupid Coinstar things take.
Ben and Jonathan are using copper too, so Straight Guy decides to paint his silver. Bad move. Emilioth decides that he’s gonna just make a bathing suit after all. Ruhroh. That can’t be good. Cry, dammit!! The next morning, Emilioth jokes that this will be the first challenge that everyone’s gonna be in the bottom ten. HAHA. Over at Bravo, they call that The Fashion Show.
Time for final fittings and hair and makeup! Jaysian has to sew his model into the garbage bags so she won’t be able to pee. Or sweat. She’s gonna sue when she gets zits all over her legs. Or dies. You know that model that looks like a giant drag queen? The editors give us a closeup that supposedly erases our doubts, but JMo took me to a drag show one time and a peen fell out and the dude grabbed it and shoved it all the way back into his cornhole, so I’m not buyin it.

Hey Emilioth, the Thidekick’th ringing.

The bikini bottoms won’t stay up cuz they’re covered in washers. Flamingay tells us that Emilioth is in troubs cuz not only is he making a bikini, he’s making a super tacky bikini. Flamingay calling anyone tacky is…well it’s not anyone it’s Emilioth so I’m behind him. Then Flamingay goes on to tell us that at least three of the other looks are tortured. “Jessie’s garment looks tortured. And not only does Jessie’s garment look tortured, Seth Aaron’s garment looks tortured. And so does Ben’s. All those garments look…tortured!” BWAHA. Tim called Flamingay’s work “tortured” and it stuck, I guess. It’s like he’s never heard that word before and he’s fascinated by the sound of it. If I knew their address I’d send Flamingthony a word a day calendar, just to watch him spout off simple English like a robot.
Runway time!! Heidi’s changed her clothes, and instead of camouflaging her own baby, she makes the All New people do it.

It might help if you’d get skinny Heidi out of our faces for five seconds.

Let’s say hi to the judges! Kors took off the rubber band.

Nina’s theme of the week is SHOULDERS. One pad looks way bigger than the other one, making her look like a before and after shot. I’m not sure which one looks better. On the positive side, she’s used FrizzEase.

Paul Ruebens, proving that he’s more than just PeeWee Herman, has shown up tonight as a designer who made Michelle Obama’s inauguration dress.

I don’t usually recommend this, but BANGS.

There’s another guest here, too. At first I though damn, Steven Weber from Wings looks ate up spit out ate up again and then pooped on the lawn, but alas, it’s Steven Webster the jewelry designer.

Steven Weber is still, thankfully, semi hot.

In unrelated news, Andrew Lloyd Webber still looks like an amused toad.

Mila is first. Her black and white paint pan creation is pretty hot. It’s amazing how she can take different materials and still do the same thing. This has more edge than most of her other stuff. Or, edges. Sorry I had to.

On closer inspection, the skirt looks great but the top just makes me think about how hard it must have been to do laundry before washing machines.

Who doesn’t want to wear a dress that says “Strongest Skid Mark Fighter on the Market in the 1800′s”?

Straight Guy’s next, and his work is pretty bad. Even though I was huge Anne Richards fan, I don’t like skirts that look like her hairdo.

LOVE what Jonathan did! He was going for C3P0 and he did it well.

Flamigay’s work is really pretty, but super plain which might get him in troubs. I wish we knew what the hell they used as their materials. I guess I could have written that down earlier but there was so much noise and crying and lithping. DAMMIT. He could have embellished his sheet metal belt a little, but he should be safe at least. This doesn’t look like it came from a hardware store.

Ben is proud of the fact that his beat up copper dress is “levitating around” his model and not touching her body. In the real world, that’s called “doesn’t fit.” Meh. It’s a simple short dress made out of copper. She looks like a pipe with an eating disorder.

Emilioth is next and OH. MY. GAWD. He actually makes Shakira look like a tasteful society lady. Hideous. If this poor girl actually wears this outside the sun will heat up all those washers and scar her for life. And he totally stole the rectangular vagina idea from Jaysian. There’s no way he’s not out tonight.

He smiles as the model walks and tells us that he can hear jawth drop. “There’th no way you can tell that came out of a hardware thtore!” Yeah you’ve really done a great job of making those washers look like…well, exactly like washers.

Because once can’t be enough.

Jaysian’s next. Because of Jaysian’s hair, jorts, low cut cleave tees and general bimbo personality, I always expect him to be terrible. But he’s good! Love what he did. The leather pants are awesome (except for that tear ? on the knee) and his top is cool and unique too, even though it makes the model look like she never lost the baby skin after giving birth ten times.

Old Ham did an amazing job last week and I was expecting him to kick ass again, but not so much. His sheet metal top looks like…sheet metal and the skirt looks like it’s made from one of those sun reflector things you put on your windshield on a sunny day.

Every time I hug someone they die. WHY DOES’T ANYONE LOVE MEEEE?!?

He also gave her a neck tattoo, which is just fug. Whatevs, he’s safe no matter what. Irana’s skrt is cool, and the top is too. Love the shapes. I could do without the giant fan made out of sandpaper, but she’s obsessed with circles so there you go.

From seeing the giant collar Maya worked on throughout the episode, I thought hers was gonna be the best. Nope. The model looks like Betty Page resurrected as a power hungry office manager in 2130.

Could you open the break room? I’m sorry. Could you open the break room PLEASE?

Ben, Jonathan, Irana, and Hambert are all safe. I thought Jonathan had a shot! He might wanna talk less about hating children around a woman who drops more babies than a horny hamster. Nina calls Mila’s work extraordinary, and Webster says her wrist cuffs are the best accessories hands down. Nina asks Emilioth “what happened?” Emilioth says that he wanted to be different, and Kors says it looks cheesy. PeeWee likes the instinct to do something different but that’s it. Kors says Flamingay’s dress is a bad prom dress. Ouch. More proof that my taste level is in the toilet cuz I thought it was perty. Nina calls it boring, and Webster says he went to the software store instead of the hardware store. Huh?
Kors loves Maya’s work, Nina appreciates her restraint, and Heidi can’t tell it came from the hardware store. Straight Guy is next. Nina says it’s too Tin Man and Kors says she looks like a Hershey’s kiss but he likes the asymmetry and stitching on the back. Jewelry guy says that it looks like a vacuum, and Heidi says no it’s a dirty vacuum bag. LOL. Heidi says Jaysian’s leather pants and belt are fantastic and amazing. PeeWee says amazing too, then starts masturbating until the police come drag her away for public indecency. In alone time, the judges repeat themselves. I have my fingers crossed for Flamingay!!! Don’t steal my joy, judges! He’s just learned the word “tortured”! There’s a whole dictionary to get through!
Nina stands up for Emilioth, saying “it wasn’t so bad!” They really hated Straight Guy’s, but they call Flamingay boring, which is the worst criticism you can dish out on this show. I have to pause and laugh at myself cuz I’m actually nervous!! Jaysian wins!!! He jumps up and down and giggles. Then he screams and squeals. As he goes backstage, the Amazon Drag Queen model picks him up and eats his head off. Her designer might be out, so she’s just stress eating.

Don’t squeal around giants. They’ll think you’re a pig and who doesn’t like bacon?

Jaysian brags about winning even though he dropped out of community college. Then he thankfully doesn’t try to add anything up. Flamingay’s safe! YAAAYYYYYY!!! I think that Emilioth should go, but Straight Guy’s most likely out. They hated his ass. Right when they’re about to announce who’s cut, the video cuts to Heidi saying “it looks like a cat in a baby sling” on next week’s preview. WHAT?!?! WHAT THE HELL?!?! Did this happen to you guys too or is my crap ass DVR? UGH. Let me go back to the beginning. Oh ok it was my computer being a whore. Straight Guy’s out!! And they didn’t even show him shirtless. He is pissed that he’s going cuz “I put out a risk.” Well, there’s always teaching English. I hope he got revenge by stealing a bra off the Bluefly wall.

You gotta love that the straight guy gets aufed on the tool challenge. Thank you, gay TV!

Pretty surprised at that one, but can’t stick up for Anne Richards hair. What did you guys think? I loved this episode. It’s so much more interesting when they have to work outside their comfort zones. I could have used more crying though. See you next week! xo

Previously, Anthony the Flamingay won! HOLLER!! Amish Girl was sent back to the farm, and Mila had the power to get rid of one of the models. Neither one of them had bangs, so she she aufed the one with more split ends. You can say a lot about Mila, but she’s fair.

I would use conditioner but it has so many calories!

Retired Adam Hambert wakes up looking exactly how he does all day. Like dog shit. The only difference is he’s not wearing a Howdy Doody kerchief or assless chaps.

Copyright Pong Designs

Flamingay tells us that being in the bottom three twice does something really bad to your spirit. Still, though, he’s smiling big and showing off as much cleavage as possible. That’s a pro!

He won last week but doesn’t get immunity this time around, so he’s gotta keep his eyes on the ball. Instead, he keeps them on Old Ham’s balls.

Those things are below your knees! How old are you?

Betsey Wetsey is horrified at how much Judi Dench Blanchett from Marie Clayuh hated her work, but she doesn’t cry. She’s starting out this episode with a lot of pep, so I have my fingers crossed for a meltdown by minute 43. Come through, Betsey! Meanwhile, Straight Guy and Emilio whisper about stuff in bed. Whatever it is is turning them both on a little too much. There are some places cameras just shouldn’t be.

Heidi comes out on the runway in a toga and still looks thinner than anyone I know. Bitch. There are new models today! And they’re little girls! The designers are pretty unpleasantly shocked, but the little girls are too. Check this girl out as she sees Mila for the first time.

Fuck this! I’m outta here!

Straight Guy tells us how hard this is going to be cuz you have to think about different proportions and “what to bring to a child.” How bout a really shitty attitude? That’ll do it! Emilioth’s after jerk off glow is wiped off his face faster than the remnants of Straight Guy.

Turn them all into sausage.

The kids announce their designers. Thankfully, the one with a heavy lisp doesn’t go to Emilioth. How confusing would that have been? Poor subtitle writer would have had bloody fingers by the end of the epi. Old Ham tells us kids love specific things and hate specific things, and since he’s a dad he knows what those things are. I would buy that, but his kids let him walk around looking like a leather bottom with Meemaw hair so I can only assume those children are wack in the taste department. What’s that noise? It’s deafening! I think it must be the sound of Maya’s womb screaming.

Stop stressing! You’re not Mila. Yet.

When Jonathan is assigned, dramatic music plays as he tells us he’s afraid of children and doesn’t surround himself with them. LOL. In his defense, his child is named Fabriana. Parents, just stop it. You’re embarrassing your children, yourselves, and the alphabet.

Febreezelaudryfreshina

The designers get back to the workroom to find tiny dress forms waiting for them. They get 30 min to sketch and a 50 buck budget. Unfortunately, the little girls have no say in any of this. Man it sucks being a kid. Jonathan whines more about hating kids, and it’s hard to not get a little worried when we see he’s sketching a little girl with a missing torso.

Security!

Flamingay is worried that the little girls don’t have boobies and big butts to design for. Where the hell has he been working these past five episodes? Cuz there isn’t one booby or ass on the runway this season. Except for his. Besides, the producers were nice and gave him the chunky girl. I don’t mean that as an insult so get off my ass. I was that chunky girl. But not as cute. And not a girl. Well, technically. Where was I?
Straight Guy’s been to Paris!! WOWEE!! I wonder if that’s when he started wearing scarves. Booooo French things! Well, except for croissants. Point is, Straight Guy saw little girls in France and this is what they look like.

Handless. French parenting can be ruthless.

It’s sweet that he’s going to try and make a dog for his girl, though. He’s not going to just make ugly clothes, he’s going to create an ugly life. AW!!! Emilioth thays that the other dethignerth are trying to be too original. Hith plan ith to just make thomething normal. Do that. Quietly. Shhhhhhth. Let’s go to Mood!
Flamingay stares at fabric and mutters “if I was a little girl….” oh no. That’s not how you should be thinking. I used to always try to think like a little girl when I was younger and the memories still haunt me.

Hey you guys ready for some good news? Qristyl from last season got a job!

Old Ham wants to make a checkered hoodie but can’t find checkered fabric. Which says a lot about Mood’s taste level. Well done, Mood! He does, however, find a houndstooth wool. One thing kids specifically love? Clothes that scratch the shit out of them every time they move.
Back at the workroom, Jaysian says how kids today are totes fashion forward. Wow, he’s got his finger on the pulse. Wait. No he doesn’t. He’s making a costume for Peggy on Mad Men. Poor girl’s gonna have a baby and not even know she was pregnant. Life ruiner.

Jonathan is covering his dress in crime scene tape. This man isn’t safe.

Consider yourself warned, brat.

Jonathan does a spot on impersonation of Kors, though. “She looks like a seven year old waitress from Benihana” LOL. Mila is doing color blocking AGAIN, and this time she’s making something she’s probably worn a million times. That Girl.

How…forward?

EW. I can’t stop staring at that thing. I mean come on, even a little girl in 1962 (when this style was popular) would be grossed out. I wonder if Mila takes baths in milk and listens to dramas on the radio. Emilioth gives her shit about the color blocking and she just laughs it off. HUH? She says that way back when she started the show, she wasn’t getting along with the other designers. Cut to clip of her like last week being an ass. “Now that I’m centered,” she’s getting along with everyone. What does that even mean? Alright, who left a box of Franzia on the crafts services table? The producers are just gonna get them drunk now so they’ll at least talk. Flamingay pipes up and shouts “coluh block? That cood be a sermon!” I don’t know what the hell he’s saying, but I’m laughing anyway.
Betsey Wetsey, who opened the episode talking about how she had to prove herself this week, says that she’s going to make a simple red romper her sister used to wear under a bee costume when they were kids. Uh…..I don’t know what to say to that. I really don’t. She can’t believe all the work the other designers are putting in. The seaming! The detailing! Every little girl really wants to be in a onesie until they’re thirty.
Old Ham’s hoodie is turning out super cute. I would take back the rudeness I spouted earlier but that would require effort so I’ll just be confident judging too soon. Emilioth doesn’t get it, but as Ham wisely points out, Emilio doesn’t get it and is making a freaking Easter dress, which is true. Emilioth thayth “if I get eliminated cuth of a kid….” then it will mean your design thucked the most, Mary. Shut up and stop sucking so much.

That looks like the cheap ass mosquito netting Paula Abdul forced on African children during Idol Gives Back.

Tim hasn’t been in to check on progress at all today, and Mila thinks that means there’s gonna be a twist. I know she’s right cuz they already showed us at the opening of the show. Thanks Lifetime! The next morning, Betsey Wetsey is worried. And she should be, because she’s allowed to make a call on the Sidekick of Doom. Now last year, the whole talking on the Sidekick and then getting aufed thing was messed up, but that whole season is now being swept under the rug. I think they’re bringing it back, which is wise cuz this show’s just not the same without it. It’s like the worst product placement ever. I can’t believe that idiotic company still pays to be here.

Losers like sidekicks!

She calls her husband and she talks to him in five year old voice. EW. Then she cries! YAY!

Sure as pee specks on a straight dude’s toilet seat, Tim shows up to the workroom and announces that there is a second part to the challenge! They will have to make a corresponding look for the models. Cuz they have their own show and all that. The new looks aren’t supposed to just be blown up versions of the little dresses, but that’s pretty much all he says. Emilioth is worried, and he should be. He describes his dress as a little pink cupcake, and he’s right again. Betsey Wetsey is glad to make the second look, cuz it has to look better than the first.

Right now, it just looks like Ben in a beach towel.

Mood is as thrilling the second time as it was the first. Which means we can skip it. Emilioth buys the wrong color pink, and it’s not the complimentary kind of wrong. It’s just bad. What is the complimentary kind of wrong? Don’t question me. Flamingay tells a way too long story about how his mom had a cough in church and then blamed it on someone else. Mila gets mad cuz he made her lose her measurement. Centering, gone. The designers challenge Flamingay to not speak and tone down the shape of his lips in the process. I am offended for him.

He makes it fifteen whole minutes. HAHA. Tim comes in to check on them and starts with Jonathan. “I love what you’ve done!” Really, Tim? Lifetime needs to start drug testing all their employees. Tim hasn’t been the same since LA.

Wings and a bib. Why?

Betsey Wetsey has complimented her bright orange little girl dress with a black adult dress. Tim tells her it’s Halloween time. Betsey Wetsey hugs him and thanks him for the advice, except she doesn’t.

WAAAH!!!

Tim isn’t sure if Amy Irana is making something fabulous or if she’s making clown clothes. I’m not sure either. I am sure that I haven’t played Twister for a long time, though. That game was so fun when I could still touch the floor while on my feet.

Now it just looks sad and painful.

Both of Old Ham’s pieces look killer. He’s winning this one. The brats and the little girls are brought in. Before you know it, the room is full of squeals, and Febreezefreshlaundriana doesn’t like her plain Jane dress. HAHAHA. Betsey Wetsey thinks that this might not be her best moment, but she’ll be safe. Nope. The next day, the little girls are totally at home and imitating the designers.

Straight Guy

One little girl tells Flamingay that her dog is 77. HAHAHA. Another tells him her dog is her sister. LOLOLLLLL. He asks them if they have an off switch. That was hilarious. My ovaries are totally thumping right now you guys.
Betsey Wetsey tries to pump herself up about how great her work is, but it doesn’t seem to be working. Jonathan tells us that his big master plan from the beginning was to play it safe til the halfway point and then come out with guns blazing. Well, you got the mediocre part down. Well done! Baby steps. Irana’s little girl asks if she’s ever been to the circus. Harmless question, but it’s not cuz she’s totally wearing the circus dress Irana made. Little skank!!
Time for the runway show!! Heidi introduces the judges. Kors is the color of a raw steak that was left on the kitchen counter overnight.

Nina looks evil. Hey Nina, swallow your baby parts before the cameras are on! You’re gonna get arrested.

The guest judge is Tory Burch, and she’s nice and cute and I don’t really have anything bad to say about her. I know. I’m a disappointment. Thin cute blonde girls used to beat me up in school so I generally leave them alone. Flamingay’s out first. Red and pink? Not usually wise. The dresses aren’t very good together, but alone they’re better. Pretty meh. But he shouldn’t be kicked auf for this. He took a page from the Book of Irana on the model’s collar, and he stole well.

Irana’s next, and her looks are both insane. On a little girl it makes sense, but the model looks like felt circles cut out in Bible Class. Except in Bible Class you have to cut the shapes to look like Jesus and stuff. Ok it looks worse than Bible Class. And what’s on the little girl’s butt? Did Irana make her a poop flap? Cuz she’s not two.

I just can’t understand why daddy left us.

I don’t know if I can fully explain how fug this is, so here’s another pic.

Ben’s made clothes for the most boring mother daugher pair in the world.

Both of Ham’s pieces are fab.

Straight Guy’s little girl dress is very orphan during the Depression Era, and the model dress is futuristic. I don’t know if he did that on purpose or not. I don’t know why he does anything he does. Is that little girl in a bow tie?

He’s super excited about it. Is the little girl dress under her armpit on purpose? I’m as confused as Straight Guy’s wife must feel.

You know that aunt who always has Kleenex in her pocket? Well, Jonathan designed a tribute to her.

His little girl dress looks exactly like what it is. A dress made by someone who hates children. I thought Maya would excel in this challenge, but meh. A tiny raincoat with black leggings for the kid and modernized mom jeans and a neon jacket for the mom that clashes with the kid.

The only redeeming thing about this is that it got the “Mom Jeans!” song stuck in my head. I love that song.

I can’t tell if Nina likes it or not. She’s too busy unhinging her head to swallow the little girl.

Time for dessert.

Mila’s next. One looks like a color blind old lady and the other looks like a model in black leggings and a dressy lab coat.

Mila says she’s confident, but she watches the models with one eye and the judges with another.

Emilioth little girl looks like an extra on Little House on the Prairie. But made today so there could be Asian children in town. The mom dress is simple, but pretty. The colors don’t look as hideous together as I thought they would. Compared to a lot of the crap that’s come down the runway, this isn’t too bad.

Betsey Wetsey is so going home tonight. Wow. Even worse than I imagined, and I literally imagined an ambulance crashing into a flock of nuns in a cross walk.

Kors can’t quite grasp what’s happening.

That is one confused waddle.

Jaysian went super dark, but I love what he did. The mom top is really cool. It’s like one of those paper lanterns moms put up for birthday parties. The little girls dress is cute too, but the mom’s got it goin on.

Jaysian, Irana, Jonathan and Old Ham, Straight Guy, and Betsey Wetsey are kept on the runway. Jonathan, Betsey Wetsey, and Irana are in the bottom three. How is Straight Guy in the top three? Those outfits are both fug and he’s dressed like Madonna before she found laser hair removal. BOOOOOO!

I’m making that same gesture with my hand right now.

Heidi wishes it was straight instead of all lopsided, and Guest likes the grey. Nina calls it adorable but says the model mom just looks pretty good. Old Ham’s little girl likes her purse the best. Nina rolls her eyes and laughs at this.

I’ve got a bottle of KC Masterpiece Hot n’ Spicy BBQ Sauce with your name all over it. Get over here.

Kors says the mom jacket is the best tailoring they’ve seen all season, Guest thinks the kids work is perf, and Nina gives him an all around bravo. Oooh slam, Lifetime! Kors calls Jaysian’s work chic, and Nina says they’re modern, New York and cool.
Now for the losers!! Betsey Wetsey tries to talk up her work, but Nina thinks it’s plain, Heidi thinks it looks like a cheap mall outfit. Guest hates the little girl top, and Kors says the mom jacket is home ec all the way. Heidi says Jonathan’s kid looks uncomfortable, and the little girl says she’s right. Kors says the model looks like she was tp’ed. Kors continues on his rampgayge, saying Irana’s kid looks like her house was on fire and she grabbed everything she could, and the mom’s pants are a trainwreck. Nina says circus, and Heidi says hideous. The little girl says she likes it a little. LOL thanks for the help kid. When Kors asks if she’d wear it in real life, the kid says she’d trust Irana’s judgment. HA how cute is she? Too cute to live. Nina will take care of that.
In alone time, the judges are all about Straight Guy and Old Ham. Guest seems more into Ham. They give Jaysian credit for giving a youthful edge to such a sophisticated color palette. Heidi can’t believe Irana made something so fug, but everyone can believe Betsey Wetsey did. They give Jonathan credit for having big ideas, but that’s the only nice thing they can say. The six designers are brought back. Straight Guy’s safe! Old Ham wins!!! Deserved. Good for him. Now go take a bath.
Jonathan’s safe, leaving Betsey and Irana! No way they’re getting rid of Irana. Heidi tells her off a little bit, but of course Betsey Wetsey’s out. She smiles big and takes it like a man. But not.

Wetsey says she’s not quitting just cuz Heidi wouldn’t be caught dead in her clothes. She insists that she’ll be international in the next couple of years…”not HUGE, but still…” LOL way to shoot for the stars, nutcase. All in all, this seemed like a fair episode from here. I am sad that there’s not a crier left on the season, but I’m excited to see the return of the Sidekick of Doom! Love you guys, see you next week, which involves a hardware store!

Why is it Bible beaters always have lotion on the bedside table? Cuz that’s a sin.

Announcer Guy booms “THIS WEEK, THE RUNWAY BECOMES A BATTLEFIELD!!” Yeah, right Announcer Guy. I don’t believe you. Every week you promise us drama and then all we get is heart disease and fauxhawks. But like any true abused addict, I will believe anything you say. GAY BATTLES!! YAAAYYY!!! Emilioth should be the announther. I would listhen harder.
Previously, heart disease officially became the fugliest disease of the season, we realized that Straight Guy has the lower half of a woman’s body, …

… and Retired Adam Hambert had Meemaw hair.

Jesus can see you every second of the day, ya hear?

I’ve never really paid too much attention to the opening, and just noticed Emilioth saying “I AM fashion. Just look at me!”

Um….not seeing it. Biggest tongue of the year though so there’s that.

You know how every year there’s a semi hot straight dude who gets a shirtless shot at the beginning of episodes? Well we don’t have that this year.

Jay won’t get out of bed, so Anthony the Flamingay says “Gayut up, Jay! It’s time fuh Buhayble study! You don’t read the word, I use it as a waypon!” And then he hits him with a Bible. LOL. That almost makes up for the shirtless Hambert. Almost.
Flamingay tells us in a thicker accent than ever that it was nice not being in the bottom three, but one thing he learned is that when you’re in the bottom the only place you can go is up. I’m sure Elian Gonzalez is not feeling the same way right now, but thanks for your wisdom sugar.
Amish Girl isn’t thrilled that she almost (and probably should have) got sent home, but she’s ready to fight! “I may be sweet, but I’m fierce!” No one who describes themselves as fierce is fierce. They are gay men in the early nineties.
Dark scary “child being chased in the dark” music plays. Oh, it’s cuz they’re showing Mila next. Well, that makes sense. She says that last week when she was in the top two no one jumped up and down and congratulated her, which she found “disturbing”. Uh, maybe it’s cuz you walked back to the holding tank repeating “top twoooo! Top twooooo!” over and over again in nanny nanny boo boo voice. Idiot.

You’re invoking Richard Nixon and air quotes at the same time. You’re lucky you weren’t shot.

To make sure that she’s not stepped on today by any evil designers, Mila has decided to wear a giant Twister board.

Shots of New York: buildings! People in the park! Homeless people with no legs rolling around subways on skateboards while stealing purses and playing mandolins at the same time! Heidi comes out in fitted, classy black and looks gorge as always. Tiny cut to my inner thigh. She congratulates Amy Irana for winning last week and then tells the designers that their challenge this week is to be “picture perfect.” Oooh, another riddle! She’s like a really bad actress playing the Mad Hatter in community theater. I’m assuming she doesn’t mean the challenge will be based on the following movie, but it should be:

Whatever you design tonight, Angelina will come out on the runway and steal it.

The designers meet Tim at the Hearst Building, which is amazing. He introduces them to the editor of Marie Claire magazine, Joanna. This will be one of the biggest challenges in Project Runway history!! They will have to design for a celeb and the winner will appear on the cover of Marie Claire. Wowee!! Everyone’s super excited. Anthony almost faints and Straight Guy gets teary eyed. LOL. I love fashion people. You’d think they were just told they were getting the cover of Reader’s Digest from the way they’re celebrating.

Does Marie Claire have articles about having a healthy heart or getting your poop cycle regular? No. No it does not.

Joanne looks like God made an old lady baby out of Judi Dench and Cate Blanchett, which makes me both humble, scared, and thrilled all at the same time.

Maybe that’s why he’s crying?

Mila just has a polite smile on her face, but you know she’s thinking “that bitch didn’t even say my name once. I hate her and hope she dies in a horrible disfiguring actor accident.” Tim names the designers that have been on the cover the past year, and Lindsay Lohan wasn’t one of them. I’m completely shocked. Judi Dench tells them the guidelines. Detailing on top, eye catching, strong, sexy, must use labels from Clorox bottles to fight AIDS, and the model will be preggo Klum!! Jeeze you guys went all out. Was Nina busy? They were gonna get Naomi Campbell but they don’t have enough insurance to cover maid abuse.
Mila wants her design to say “MILA!” but it’s very hard to make a dress out of stale burnt toas so I’m interested to see how she gets around that. Amish Girl is going for a frigid color palette (shocker), and Flamingay wants something short but not slutty. God forbid you make a bra model look slutty. Ben…who knows what Ben’s doing? I can’t see past his outfit.

Let’s go to Mood! They only get a hundred and fifty bucks! WTH? How is this the biggest challenge ever? Hardly any money and a preggo model who produces the show. Cheap bastards. Mila and Betsey Wetsey look like spirit sisters today, and it’s an eyesore.

All I can think of are cows playing Twister. It seems perverted and immoral.

Not much exciting happens at Mood. Mila falls down, but there was no one around to blame for tripping her, so not much drama.

This carpet HATES ME.

Everyone is so focused on winning this one that the workroom is filled with complete silence. We’re literally left to watch Straight Guy’s eyebrows grow and grow.

Those caterpillars are about to turn into butterflies!

Old Ham can’t take the quiet, so he starts doing air horns and whistling and snapping. Everyone is over him and thinks he’s immature. I don’t really have anything to add to that assessment, so let’s just move on. Ben looks like an old west robber who’s about to gun down everyone in Gays Fargo for bags of plastic jewels.

Flamingay has been beat up by the judges, but he’s not gonna let that get him down. He’s gonna be as Flamingay as humanly possible. Which apparently means he wants to make one of those ice cream cones you get at McDonald’s, only purple.

Mila points out that he’s using the same color as Amish Girl. “Yikes.” Then one eye looks at us and the other looks across the room.

Who are you “yikes”ing?

Amish Girl is making three pieces, and she’s really only comfortable making one. Which makes her daring ambitious really stupid. A commercial for the Models show comes on and wow. It’s nice to see that cross dressing has become normal enough to appear on Lifetime.

This challenge means more to Jonathan than anything in his career so far. It’s so important that he combed the goddamned duck tail out of his hawk. THANK YOU.

See? Don’t you feel better?

So guys, since nothing’s really happening but sewing, tell us who your biggest competitors are! Straight Guy is most afraid of Mila and Emilioth, but I suspect he’s really afraid of aging. Mila’s not afraid of anyone, but she thinks Jaysian and Maya have the most interesting work so far. I’m really glad I decided to type all that down cuz it was FASCINATING.
Tim comes in to check on progress. He asks how everyone is and there is complete silence. He starts with Flamingay and his giant blue concoction. He tells Tim that he doesn’t know how it’s gonna look. He’s just cutting strips out and putting that shit together. LOL with that guy. Mila is doing a stretch dress out of wools. It looks like it will be cool, but not much of anything is done yet. Betsey Wetsey is going for “waves or something” and Tim asks if “this spewing out factor, is it you?” Betsey Wetsey is the queen of spewing out. Ben is going for Madame Butterfly on acid. Hasn’t someone else said that this season? Or am I losing my mind?
Emilioth is making a short cocktail dress, but Tim doesn’t think anyone will notice the detailing ( I refuse to use the word ombre cuz it’s just a rip off the Spanish word hombre and I think it’s unfair.) because it’s too close to the original color. He warns Emilioth against running out of time. He should warn him that he’s doing the Campbell’s challenge all over again.

You know what the judges will be in the mood for? More RED.

The models come in for fittings. Straight Guy’s work is looking pretty awesome so far. It’s like armor in basket weave. Jaysian is basically making the same thing Pong made in the potato sack challenge. But worse, cuz making a Pong mistake is an eliminateable offense these days.

Also, didn’t Judi Dench say that the detailing had to be on the top cuz that was the part that was gonna show on the magazine? What is he thinking? Luckily for him, Amish Girl is doing much, much worse.

When the model’s leave, Mila goes back to the sewing room and says “good! No one dared go near my machine.” Then goofy clown music plays as people tell us why they hate her. Jaysian thinks she’s fake and insincere, and Emilioth sayth she’th a one note dethigner. Time to freak out!! Emilio’s dress is too short, Amish Girl’s work is too grodie, and it’s time to go home for the night. The next morning, Flamingay does this in front of the mirror:

Well when you put it that way, it makes sense. Unfortunately you don’t stand like that all day and I just get confused.

On their way out, Jonathan is told not to forget his purse and he’s all “I got it!” I really, really love this show.
Tim comes into the workroom and tells the designers that this is the biggest challenge in Project Runway history. We get it, Tim! Jesus shut up already. Models come in for fittings then head to makeup. Flamingay says he doesn’t want anything costumey cuz that’s how the judges are always describing him. The best part of this is that he’s wearing this bracelet while he says it.

Emilioth takes time out to tell us how much everyone around him suckth. Shut up Emilio! And wearing a different hat every day doesn’t make you fashionable, it makes you insecure about baldness. Only ten minutes til runway time! Betsey Wetsey tells us again how much she sucks. Her sewing machine breaks, and still she doesn’t cry. Useless! Ben’s model is a little Sarah Jessica-y today. Guys. Carrie dressed like that on Sex and the City cuz it was a SITCOM.

Big didn’t call me back. I’m gonna cheat on him.

Ben thinks he really got it right this time and that “this is my moment!” Poor little fella. Runway time!! Heidi comes out in all black again. I don’t think you should go for a slimming effect when you’re pregnant. It’s like denying your child, and that’s mean. Ben is wearing a scarf that allows him to feel what it’s like to have some chest hair for a day.

She intros the judges. Did you see that Oprah back in the day when she rolled out a tiny red wagon filled with hundreds of pounds of fat? That’s what Kors’ face color looks like today.

Watch out! It’s about to spill out of the wagon!

You know we’re a few weeks into the season now cuz Nina’s finally starting to get a little of her bed head frizz back. She only irons once a season.

Judi Dench Blanchett is here too. She looks like an icicle. Irana is first, and her dress is an ode to melted crayons or a sobbing clown. And is her model wearing a Sex and the City flower? COME ON! When was the finale of that show? Let it go already. She should be eliminated for that alone. Sex and the City twice in a recap. I’m not proud, but we should blame the show. Not the victim.

Hacks and the City

Old Ham made a really hot silver suit. The inseams around the crotch are a little weird, but Heidi seems like the type to have a funky ass crotch so it could work. Love it. He just better hope she’s not pregnant again by the time the cover shoots. She’s like a production line.

Straight Guy’s armor thing looked way better when it wasn’t finished and wasn’t on a model. Now it just looks poorly constructed and bunched up. I think his model is the crossdresser, too. She looks like she just did twenty five pull ups.

Amish Girl’s isn’t as horrifying as last week’s travesty, but it’s not good. Black shorts with light blue and silver? And she’s DEFINITELY betting Heidi will be preggo again by April.

Flamingay’s dress is the best he’s done so far. He refined his McDonald’s ice cream cone. Now it’s melted and looks way better. He even loaned his model the bracelet he was wearing.

Betsey Wetsey led us to believe her work was going to be hideous, and it’s not that bad. It is very bridal though, and way too little girl-y for a Victoria’s Secret model.

Mila’s dress is flesh toned, which will look busted on a magazine cover. And I don’t think the giant gaping vagina theme will really work well for a woman who’s had so many children. You know, like accentuate the positive.

Jeeze. Cross your legs.

Emilioth made a Campbell’s Soup Ice Skating dress. It’s tacky and boring. Which is fitting.

Jaysian’s dress turned into a pregnant slutty bride dress. If I were Heidi I’d be offended. It’s not hideous, just waaaay done before. On St Ives commercials. And the homecoming corsage is a bit much.

Jonathan hasn’t made one dress that I can remember this season. He sure changed that today. To celebrate the 42nd Anniversary of the film, he’s put Barbarella in diapers.

Jane Fonda is sitting at home very offended right now.

Jonathan says his design looks like butter. Butter makes models throw up, so it seems like bad planning on his part. Maya did a pointing to the womb dress too, but the neck detailing looks like the underside of a snail. I don’t get it. She’s obsessed with circles on necks though, so good for her for following through on her vision again I guess.

Ben’s dress is super 70′s. Kinda love it cuz it’s loud and unique (which is lacking today), especially the belt. I don’t get the big diamond shaped thing on the middle though. Everyone is trying to camouflage the baby that will be born by the time this cover shoots.

Straight Guy is dressed like American Psycho when he starred in Newsies.

Old Ham, Jaysian, Maya, Straight Guy, Jonathan, and Irana are all safe and excused. Judi Dench Blanchett looks like she’s about to mince up a model and put her on a cracker.

Ben describes his dress as Madame Butterfly in Technicolor. From here it looks like a Vegas hotel with crime scene tape all over it.

Kors thinks that this will look good on a newsstand, and Nina thinks both the front and back are gorge. Dench Blanchett thinks whoever wears it should have confidence. Because she might be made fun of.
Nina thinks Amish Girl’s dress wouldn’t flatter Heidi at all, and Dench Blanchett says the outfit is three ingredients to a dish that make you nauseous. HAHA. Hire her now! Kors says it looks very teen magazine. Heidi likes each piece but Amish didn’t push the envelope enough.
Flamingay says that he tried to make something perfect for Heidi, and Kors says that he’s finally dropped the costumey thing and entered modern times. Nina likes that he embraced color, and Heidi thinks the model looks beautiful. Betsey Wetsey says she was inspired by the ocean. Kors thinks it should drown, Heidi thinks it looks too old, and Dench Blanchett says it’s the sea, but a polluted sea with plastic bottles in it. HAHAHAHAHAH. Nina thinks it’s too sweet, and says that Heidi’s not sweet at all. Love it.
Mila blabs on about her dress and we see it in close up. Dimpling and puckering everywhere. Not ok.

Kors thinks it looks like an ace bandage. Nina hates the arrows pointing to the crotch. Emilioth’s red dress is lauded by Kors for making Jersey so structured, but Nina thinks it’s too Juior with the straps, so Emilioth whips out scissors and cuts them off. And they love it! My guess is that Mila’s out, but it should be Amish. In alone time, the judges repeat themselves, and they say that at least Amish made separates, which means she’ll probably stay.
Heidi liked Emilioth but takes points off for having to redesign. Dench Blanchett thinks that means he thinks on his feeth. They all love the confidence in Ben’s work, and call Flamingay’s dress gorge. The designers are brought back out, and Mila looks like she’s thinking up ways to incinerate the world before Bullwinkle catches her.

Did you guys know that this is THE BIGGEST CHALLENGE EVAH?!?! Heidi reminds us. The winner will not get immunity, and Flamingay wins!! He squeals and cheers and claps like a seal and plays peekaboo and doesn’t leave the stage for a really long time. Go Flamingay!!! Everyone is super happy for him. Glad Mila didn’t see them all cheering him. Ben is safe and so is Emilioth. Mila’s in!! Betsey Wetsey and Amish Girl are the bottom two, just as they predicted they would be. Heidi disses them and then aufs….Amish Girl!! Betsey Wetsey cries anyway though, cuz of her name and all. She tells Amish how wonderful she is, and Nina looks really touched.

I can’t wait to get home and skin that cat I found in the alley.

Amish is a sweet girl and takes her elimination really well. I feel bad cuz I like her, but I’m glad for the cows back home. You know they haven’t been milked properly since she left. And hey, what about all this battleground drama we were supposed to see tonight? NOTHING. Liars. Next week, little girl hell.

See you next time! Til then, wear a condom.

Most creative, well thought out design of the episode.

Previously, Pong was sent home and so was this chick.

Not a great night for Asians.

Amish Girl points out Pong’s empty bed and pretends to be sad.

She left her entire collection behind!

Amish Girl only speaks for about twenty seconds, but already she’s making me very very tired. Elian Gonzalez knows he’s one lucky bastard to still be in this country competition, and he works very hard on the skill that has kept him here so far.

You thought I’d put a pic of him stretching out his jaw here, didn’t you?

Wait. You know how I said he knows how lucky he is to still be here? Scratch that. He tells us that he’s already shown the judges that he can make fabulous stuff. LOL. Watching this show for so many seasons, you’d think delusion grows on trees. American Psycho Straight Guy talks, but I have to pause for a sec. He’s really going to the shitter. He was cute before, right? I’m not saying he’s ugly or anything cuz that would be a lie. I guess I’m just wondering how quickly eyebrows can grow on a person.

Maya tells us how close she’s getting with Mila. They’ve both got weird names that start with M, they both have dogs, and they both have bangs that they seemingly cut themselves in the dark.

There’s no tie that binds like really uneven bangs.

That was a two minute segment and not one line from Anthony the Flamingay. I object! Heidi greets the designers on the runway wearing giant arrows pointing down to her vajaynie. Just in case after thirteen babies or whatever the doctor might forget where they’re supposed to come out. Why do Germans have to treat the rest of us like idiots?

The challenge is to design for a fashion week gala, and Heidi promises that Tim will be introducing them to some very inspiring women. I have my fingers crossed for whoever’s alive from The Golden Girls cast, but I have a feeling I’m gonna be disappointed. Then Emilioth tellth uth the exact same thing that Heidi does, but when he says it he spits all over the camera. Most dangerous contestant to have in a diary room ever.

Someone’s gonna get electrocuted.

Tim introduces the designers to Lisa, who is the VP of innovation over at Campbell’s Soup. LOL. That’s a job? Cuz I had a can of their tomato soup recently and it tasted like nickels. How bout innovating bits of chicken that don’t look like skin tags, you lazy bitch? Unfortunately, the task isn’t to design dresses based on soup flavors. There’s a Be Better to Your Heart gala or some shit and everyone has to wear red gowns. So they’re plugging soup and healthy hearts all in one episode. What a lame crossover. Get in on the game, Playdo! I’m bored! Retired Adam Hambert jumps up and down like he’s been waiting for a soup challenge his whole life.

Thank you Jesus.

They have to design a “signature dress” and the word “Campbell’s” has to be included somewhere on it. Even worse, the “inspiring women” are NORMAL PEOPLE who have survived heart disease. That was a whole lotta lame to pack into two sentences. Where are the drag queens? Where are the coffee filters? I live in LA and have to deal with enough normal people lecturing me about health. F this episode.

If I was on this show I’d make my “model” eat ten hot dogs and then climb stairs until she fell over.

The winning designer will not only have their dress worn at the gala, they will also get to go! WOOHOO! Work hard and you can be the date of a heart disease ridden chunky chick in a Campbell’s soup dress. Maybe you’ll get a bonus and get punched in the balls, too. Midget Irana pretends that she’s crying, but there are no tears there. She’s totally touched by the challenge you guys. Ugh.

Wipe your lip.

Their models are preordained. Straight Guy’s model’s heart stopped, and Ben’s model’s heart can’t pump blood properly. It’s like watching American Idol. You’re all through to Hollywood! Jaysian’s model died for two minutes. He cries like a little bitch when he hears it. Good Lord. You know, I hated junior high but I’d pay money for one of those bullies to come in here and kick Jaysian’s ass right now. His model’s English is limited, but I’d like to think she’d say “Butch it up, Mary” if she could.

Shut your vagina, queen.

You know Mila’s model is gonna be a pain in the ass cuz she’s thumbing through a binder and nodding her head like she’s about to design the thing herself. Also, her name is Tren’ness and I think it’s impossible to be named Tren’ness and NOT be a pain in the ass. Tren’ness (I’m just gonna type that as many times as possible, humor me.) has a lot to say, but she has some good ideas. She comes up with the idea of using the star from the soup can instead of writing Campbell’s all over it. I think that might be against the rules, but the judges don’t pay any attention to the rules in the end anyway.
Flamingay’s mom moved in with him after she had heart surgery, so he’s also very touched by the topic of heart disease. Not touched enough to resist sipping Crisco straight from the can every night before bed, but touched enough to squirt out a few salties for the camera. To his credit, he makes the effort to at least wear the same size clothes as people with healthy hearts.

Giiiiiirl’d you steal that off a toddler?

Let’s stop for some fried chicken and then head over to Mood! Emilioth plans to basically make the same dress his model came in wearing, only in red. Come on! If the challenge is gonna be boring you can at least make an effort to make a dreth that’s not boring!

Betsey Wetsy runs around talking about how she needs boning. Well, at least she’s self aware enough to realize it.
Back at the workroom, the models are off at Burger King and the smiles are now gone from the designers’ faces. They start complaining about how hard it is to dress for someone who’s not a -2. Oh wah. Adam Hambert actually says “this is the largest….challenge I’ve ever done.” HA.
The models come in for fittings, and Amish Girl tells us she’s achieving her primary goal of making her model feel “empowered.” Buy her a stun gun and let’s move on to a drag challenge. Straight Guy’s model comes back without her Spanx on, so he’s gonna have to do a little fiddling. Elian Gonzalez tells us that he grew up with a single mother and it was really really hard. Yeah, how do you think she feels? You know one way you can help her out a little bit? MOVE OUT OF HER HOUSE.
Retired Hambert’s model is Weezy Jefferson, and she’s getting a little picky about what she wants. He looks like he’s about to get pissy about it, but instead he maintains his calm and says he just wants to make her happy. AW! And really, you can’t blame her for getting a little worried when she saw this fug.

By making you start over, Weezy saved your life on this show. She’s a hero.

Betsey Wetsey’s model is going on and on about her heart murmur. She says “I mean seriously, would you guess by looking at me that I’ve had open heart surgery, compared to some of the other women here today?” SNAPPLE: Real Housewife of Heart Disease Flavored. I rewound three times to verify whether or not she said this, so please if I’m wrong someone tell me. It’s not nice to slander people with heart disease.

I mean LOOK AT ME!

Emilioth tellth uth that before he met these women it was all about “me me me”. So meeting someone with a bad heart has cured you of your sociopathic narcissistic tendencies. Why do we even need therapists? Talk to someone with high cholesterol and save some cash. Betsey Wetsey spills water all over her dress, but she doesn’t CRY. OK we definitely need a new name for her now, but I haven’t paid her enough mind to know anything about her. Your help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Tim comes in to check on progress and starts with Straight Guy. SG says his model is a fat ass and he wants to make her tall and thin. What are you, her mother? Mind your beeswax and make a muumuu! Tim tells him the jacket is the only thing remotely fashionable thing about it and moves on to Amish Girl. Tim likes her Cambell’s label tracing. Tim tells Mila he’s happy that they’re working with real women and she says that she’s got a good strategy for that. It just involves a few cuts and a hose, but there won’t be recovery time so diy lipo’s out. Back to the drawing board!
Hambert’s doing Weezy’s Grecian draping thing, and Tim can’t believe he’s doing something so out of his element. He warns Ham not to completely suppress his own sense of style, so expect this thing to be assless by runway time. Ham takes his advice to heart attack and starts ripping the dress up into rock territory. Emilioth, who is suddenly sweet, tells us how much the people around him are thucking. Well so much for that revelation. Stress montage! Time is running out and no one’s finished! WHAT’S GONNA HAAAPPEEEEEN?!?!
The next morning, Flamingay says that it’s hard enough these women had heart disease. Now they’re gonna have to stand on the runway and listen to Nina and Kors tell them how hideous they look. LOL. Irana is having major trouble pulling her chiffon together, and she has seventy percent more work to do. Ham has decided to go for a “retro Campbells soup” gown. Sounds equally as fug as the modern one, only shorter. Irana doesn’t think anyone is doing too much of a bang up job. Time will tell! Fittings! Emilioth takes time out of his busy baby doll dress making schedule to say that Mila’s dress looks like a cheap flag at a Thanksgiving day parade. I wish Teshina’nell’nene heard that cuz I’d love to see her whoop hith ath. Not that he’s wrong.

Hambert tells us that he did a great job finishing his dress, but we don’t get to see it. Betsey Westsey says Elian’s dress is cheap and tight. Hair and makeup! The designers run around like crazy and Jonathan tells us it’s a disaster of Chernobyl proportions. Uh you mean when 4,000 people died? Yes, a bunch of fug red dresses are just like that. Dumbass. Showtime! Heidi comes out looking tasteful. And that’s pretty much the only person I can say that about.

Kors’ brown is wearing off (finally. That was one sticky tan). He’s more of a rust color now.

Who left Kors out in the rain?

Nina looks like Nina, and the guest is cofounder of Marchesa, Georgina Chapman. Also known as the woman who holds her breath and blows Harvey Weinstein for guest spots on shows he owns. If you have heart trouble, the following mental picture should keep you from eating for days, thereby declogging your arteries. Glad I could help.

Naked. You’re welcome.

Heidi lists names of celebs who have worn Chapman’s dresses: Halle Berry, J Lo, and Anne Hathaway. All actresses from Harvey Weinstein movies! What a coincidence! Jonathan starts us off, and he’s made a really cheap looking layered bell dress. But he’s made a thin person three times her size, so I’m ok with it.

I don’t know if the back is on purpose or if he ran out of material, but it’s really, really bad.

Emilioth made the exact same dress his model came in with, but this one’s red and strapless. Lame.

If this weren’t shot so long ago I’d guess that Maya’s been watching too much Spartacus.

It looks Biblical from far back, but up close it’s just ridiculous.

Throw soup on her.

Flamingay did a mini skirt with a sleeveless jacket. It looks a little unfinished, but I like his Campbell’s top.

Irana did a long flowy drapey Lawrence Welk-y dress, and it’s the pertiest so far.

Elian has made a cougar whore dress.

Amish Girl hasn’t done anything stunning yet this season, but she’s always been planted firmly in the middle. Not tonight!! This shit is wack!! She made the straps and cleavage skin colored like a sad old waitress at Caesars who doesn’t wanna get her underarm fat into her drink tray. This is just wrong.

The name card gets out of our way, but it doesn’t help things.

Jaysian has made his poor model look like an open filing cabinet drawer.

Was he not happy with her boobs so he formed some for her out of fabric? I think what’s bugging me the most about all this is that instead of using the bodies they were given and making them beautiful, these designers are trying to come up with all these tricks to hide things. It’s offensive. This lady looked a hell of a lot better without boobs formed with boning. Excellent hair and makeup though.

Straight Guy actually did use his model’s figure, and she looks great. The jacket construction looks wonky from here and the color is not cute, but the dress shines when the straightjacket is removed.

Little Orphan Annie is all grown up. And kinda slutty.

Ben did a Homely Wonder Woman thingy. It’s not as crappy as some of what we’ve seen so far, but he won’t win. I might be biased though cuz they keep flashing to him in his sleeveless outfit and it’s just killing me.

Off with his ears!

Mila’s dress is insane, and the coolest so far in my humble opinion.

Betsey Wetsey’s model looks like she’s walking down the plank to her death. Take the lead out, lady! The bottom of the dress confuses me, but today the standards are WAY lowered and hers is at least different. Oh, and she cries during her testimonial. LOL finally.

Weezy Jefferson’s dress looked a hundred times better before Hambert cut it all up, but the belt is cute. The rest is a little “clinging to the sock hop years” to me. Did Peggy Sue get married at the end of that movie? I can’t remember my point, so let’s just take a deep breath and move the hell on.

Mila, Maya, Amish, Irana, Straight Guy and Elian are kept on the runway. Elian’s out! YAAAYYYY!!! There’s no way he was in the top on this one and he’s been on the bottom enough to be pooping without even knowing it. Out. Girl Weinstein loves Mila’s detailing and Nina calls the stars brilliant. Kors and Heidi give the model credit for making it work. Heidi thinks Straight Guy’s dress is boring, and Kors says the model looks like a majorette. LOL. Nina likes the neckline, and Kors thinks he was close but no cigar.
Kors sighs at Elian and says he took all the tacky available and put it all onto one cougar. Girl Weinstein thinks the fake jewels hurt him, and Heidi says his taste is lacking. Nina tops it off with a bored “cliche”. She loves Irana’s dress, and calls it modern and feminine. Girl Weinstein agrees, and Kors gives her a thumbs up. Nina likes Amish Girl’s dress bottom, but thinks the back is busted. Kors says the model looks too broad, and Girl Weinstein calls her out on the flesh colored top. Heidi likes Maya’s dress and Nina compliments the clutch. Ooooh that is cute!

In alone time, the judges repeat themselves. They agree that Elian is tacky but can sew. Kors says “taste is something you can’t learn.” Amen, my orange sista. No one’s a big fan of Amish Girl either. Mila and Irana are both given props. Irana can take this one, but I’m rooting for Mila, just to see Emilioth get all pissy about it. Irana wins!! DAMMIT!! Well, she made a gorgeous dress so good for her. Sucks for Mila though. I hope she doesn’t take it out on her bangs tonight.
Straight Guy’s in! That leaves Amish and Elian. He’s tacky and she made a fug dress….but she’s in!!! Elian is back to the raft. AW! He says he’s super shocked by this turn of events and adds that he’s young and has plenty of time to make something of himself. In the meantime, his mom’s basement is good enough.
This season started with a lot of promise, but this episode has me a little worried. That was A LOT of ugly. Oh, and I think today is heart health day or something so don’t eat french fries. See you next week!!