Hottest murderess of the season.

It’s Spring!

Andy Cohen is bobbling his head and giving us his best gay gopher impression, as ush. Ugh. We open with a private interview with Jeff, who’s voice is cracking. He says that he doesn’t wanna be here but he does want a season 4 so he’s going through the motions. Bobble asks why he would even want a fourth season after all the drama of this year, and Jeff answers that his goal is to alienate every single person in his life and it might take another couple of seasons to officially seal the whole “die alone” deal.
What’s happening with the house? Jeff says that he doesn’t know what he’s doing yet but he’s losing more money in the time it’s taking to talk to Bobblehead than he will ever lose on the house. HAHAHAH. Bobble is the Senior VP of Production over at Bravo, which makes this fun. Berating the boss leads to big bucks, people. Take note.
Clips of Jeff kissing client butt since he’s remodeling instead of flipping lately. Showing up to the client’s house in pjs, having to move cars, arguing about money, threatening to kill himself, and finally learning that he can’t just tell people to fuck off if he wants to get something done. Not that that’s happened yet, but he’s learning. He talks about the need to keep his opinion out of it when he wants to make money. This would have been a good time to show him harping on that hair client about his pet homeless person, but that’s probably in bad taste.
Fan questions! Have you ever considered taking lithium? HAHAHAH. Fuckin fans. I love that Bravo fans are so wrong. American Idol fans should learn from this. Instead of asking Adam Hambert what his favorite color is, they should be asking things like “have you ever considered officially cutting off your penis?” or “what was your first std?” Love Bravo. Jeff says that people are of course always suggesting he medicate but he refuses.
Are you single? NO!! WOWEE! He won’t say who he’s dating and is proud that the guy refuses to have anything to do with the show. He adds that he wouldn’t have any interest in someone who would be willing to be on the show. Ouch. He’s already slamming Ryan and he won’t be out for forty minutes or so. Bobble whips out a Barbara Wawa question: “Are you kind to him?” LOL. Jeff gets pissed and says that of course he is and he’s sick of everyone saying Jenni’s this long suffering abused assistant. Would she still be around if she was being abused? How did being kind to his lover turn into a discussion about Jenni? Bobble, in typical Bobble form, doesn’t notice and moves on. He does add something, though. This face.

Audience question. Why is there a sacrificial lamb at every staff meal? Montage of Jeff berating his employees for fun. Jeff says that he likes to tease them and he picks someone new every day so no one feels left out and they all enjoy watching each other getting abused. HA.
Question: Were you more human this season? Yes, because he felt screwed over by Ryan and it made him vulnerable. He hasn’t seen Ryan since he left Chloe’s bday party. Blah blah who cares? I wanna know how much he’s injecting into his face to make it look like this:

Question: Why won’t Jeff let his employees go to the restroom in his house? Then my video skips to another scene!! WTF?!? Was this the poop rollover minutes speech? Cuz I will be seriously pissed if I missed that. AAAAAARRRRRRGHGHGHGH. Someone please recap this section in the comments so I will know what went down. Love.
My video cuts to Jeff in the car with Jenni. He’s driving in front of her apartment as a warning that he knows where she lives and can show up at any given moment. Clip of the Feng Shui chick telling Jeff he needs to respect Jenni. LOL. I thought he was gonna break that flake in two.
Bobble intros Jenni as Jeff’s “long suffering assistant.” Audience question: How do you keep your self esteem while working for Jeff? Answer: I have two therapists. Jeff says that she’s in therapy cuz she was dicked over by her husband, and Bobble says that was his fault too. HA. Bobblehead wants to get his gopher teeth knocked out so insurance will pay for a new set. Jeff is beside himself that anyone could even think that let alone say it, but Jenni tells him to calm down before he bursts a pocket of Bubonic Plague and kills the city.
Question: Did Jeff apologize to Jenni for bad mouthing her to the new girl? He says that they worked it out and he’s not going to keep apologizing. He does though, looking at the ceiling and spitting it out as quickly and insincerely as possible. Then he says he wants an apology from her because when she does something wrong she won’t just admit it. She gets pissed off but says she’s sorry anyway. He calls her insincere. Aw, friendship is like a beautiful flower. I’m bored. Bring out Ryan.
Bobble says that Jeff made some low blows about Jenni’s husband and he says that it was his fault and he’s sorry but don’t expect him to say sorry any more today. Thank you. It’s unflattering.

Question: Will they get married? Oh hell no!! But Jeff says that Jenni replaced Ryan as his best friend. She’s thrilled. And horrified.
Question: Will Jeff hire ugly people? No. Three are plenty of pretty people who need work so why should they be overlooked for someone ugly? HAHAHAHAHAH
Clip of Jenni’s Deb character making Jeff’s tough calls for him and bitching dykily about her knee. HA. I love Deb. Jeff refuses to give Deb health insurance but he won’t f with her. Deb also hates Jenni cuz she’s a pussy. Bobble asks why Deb didn’t show up til late in the series, and Jeff says it’s cuz she gets a lot done and he doesn’t want to take away the fear factor she’s got with the contractors.
Clip of Jeff telling Zoila that he’s only getting her emergency health insurance and if she gets in trouble that the insurance doesn’t cover he’ll just get a younger healthier maid. She answers unintelligibly, but Jenni understands every word of it, making her bilingual. I love me some Zoila. She shows off her new uniform but says she’s put in a request for something more sexy.

Bwahahahahah

I don’t think Bobble likes it.

He asks why she even has to wear the uniform at all, and Jeff says it’s because he likes her to match the decor. Ha. Bobble asks Zoila if she intentionally poisoned Jeff with the bad bacon. She says she “don’t wanna keel him cuz maybe I lose my job.” HAHAHAH. She just wanted him to shut up. Her husband went missing and Jeff says that they need to dig up her backyard. SO WRONG. She says that they play board games in their spare time and Jeff is addicted to Twister. Jenni says his favorite game is to put on a Halloween mask and scare Zoila. HAHA.
Roomba clips. Zoila calls Roomba “big bitch.” LOL. A painting of Zoila was auctioned off last season for ten grand, and the painting of Jeff will be auctioned off and the proceeds will go to some animal shelter so he can get to heaven. Good luck with that. The only person I know who’s gonna be let into that place is my Meemaw. Hope you’re good at Zahtzee.
When we come back from break, Bobble is alone with Jeff and Ryan. Dundunduuuuuun. Bobble rehashes the blowup and we get clips of this weird non fight they have going on. Jeff’s mad that Ryan is taking his business by starting a website using his name to get said stolen business. Oh shit! I forgot about that part. Never mind what I said about non fight. Clip of Ryan insisting that he never did anything wrong and telling Jeff they shouldn’t be friends if he doesn’t believe him.
Bobble gets all soft voiced and earnest, asking how they felt when they saw the fight on TV. Ryan says that he didn’t know the severity of the accusations and how hard Jeff was trying to catch him doing something wrong until he saw it on TV. He says that their relationship is based on trust and it’s hard for him to see how much Jeff doesn’t trust him. He’s also mad that Jeff talked about “the case against” him to everyone but him. Jeff says that they were close until Ryan pulled away, and that led him to slowly start suspecting him. Well there’s some honesty. Jeff didn’t get attention so he started coming up with reasons to go to war. The google links are the enriched uranium from Niger in this situation. I blame Cheney.
Bobble says that Jeff was in transition mode so a lot of the work that should have been coming to him went to Ryan. I think Jeff was stating his case just fine until you butted in with your lameness, Bobblehead! Shut it! Ryan gets defensive and says that work comes to him because of “my body of work” and he’s got his own history. Bobble asks him if he gets referrals from being on the show and he says yes. Ryan also gives the website he built credit for bringing Jeff business. Jeff says that he only built a smokescreen and set up a website for him under a .tv address that google doesn’t recognize. Ryan claims he didn’t know that and did his best.
Jeff gets super pissed and says that he didn’t receive business until he shut down that shit pile of a website and started his own. His clients told him that the other website routed them to Ryan’s site and they had to insist on booking Jeff. Snapple! Is this shit true? Ryan tries to defend himself but Jeff won’t let him talk. He gets a couple sentences out about always having his own business and it never being a problem until the market tanked. Jeff jumps in a claims it’s not about money, but Bobblehead says that it is about money and then reminds Jeff that he told Ryan “I made you rich.” Ryan chimes in that Jeff also lied when he said “I have shared everything with you” and Jeff, knowing that was coming, admits it and changes it to “I’ve shared a lot with you.”
Jeff goes back to the website thing and says that by routing to his site from Jeff’s is fraud, and Ryan says that Jeff is defaming him by accusing him of shit without proof. Jeff admits he has no proof, but doesn’t apologize for the defamation part. Ryan says that Jeff doesn’t let up and blows everything out of proportion. Bobble tries to calm him down by saying that Jeff just cares for him. LOL. Thanks, Bobble Jesse Raphael. Jeff says that he was hoping Ryan was going to come in and be honest about his financial circumstances and apologize for screwing him over. LOL he doesn’t give up, huh? There is no proof Ryan really did anything wrong so what the hell is this even about? Why can’t Jeff just say “I love you and Chloe should be ours so come back or I will make your life a living hell until you die.”

If this isn’t marriage, I don’t know what is.

Bobble says “I think you guys are really in different places.” Thank you, you bucktoothed “In Treatment.” He asks what their fighting is doing to Chloe and where they will go from here. Ryan says he watches the episodes and gets mad, but then he gets over it and has the urge to call Jeff to invite him over to dinner. Ryan’s crying. AW. Once he talks to Dale or his parents he gets emotional and Jeff has made no effort toward him. He thinks that once they’re out from under the microscope they can be friends again. Jeff squashes that notion and says his unfounded allegations against Ryan have nothing to do with the cameras and he’s not budging until he gets an apology.
Bobble interrupts and asks Ryan if he will apologize to Jeff, but Ryan says no because he didn’t do anything wrong. Bobble asks if Jeff can believe Ryan didn’t try to screw him over and sabotage his business. Jeff answers that his lame answers aren’t any help and he wants to know why Ryan screwed him and he wants an apology. Ryan points out that he doesn’t have proof and Jeff says that he’s not going to search for witnesses. Ryan says all he has to do is pick up the phone and talk to one of the clients he claims Ryan stole. Good point. Why doesn’t Jeff do that?
Jeff says that they can’t move past this until he gets an apology. He doesn’t let people into his life and then gets his finger in Ryan’s face and tells him to focus cuz they won’t be speaking again. Jeff helped Ryan and his family and he’s been strong and Ryan has turned him into a sobby menopausal hag. He says that he misses the old non lying Ryan with a bad haircut (haaa) and he can see in his eyes that he’s lying. Ryan rebuts that he’s sorry Jeff is hurting and he did nothing wrong and has always been there for Jeff. They were like family, but Jeff has screwed him over by defaming him on national TV and he resents Jeff for that. He wisely doen’t mention his current fauxhawk.
Bobble is like uh…..but you guys are important to each other can’t you just say sorry? Yes, Bobble, they will both just not admit anything and give each other fake ass sorries so you can feel like you did something today. Ryan’s like uh no. And Jeff’s like uh no. Jeff lists all the shady things that Ryan did and starts going off again, yelling and losing his shit. Like losing his shit really badly. Venom is spewing all over the place. He says that if Ryan is getting hate mail it’s his own damn fault. The more crazy he goes, the calmer Ryan gets until finally he just looks Jeff up and down and says that clients who want to deal with “this” will call Jeff and the rest of them will call Ryan. Ouch and teehee.
Bobble asks if it’s all worth ending the relationship. Jeff says he didn’t do anything, and Ryan says that all you have to do is watch the show to see how Jeff treats anyone close in his life. They’re pissed and the interview is over.

Well, at least Ryan didn’t pull Jeff’s weave.

When we come back from break, Jenni is back. Bobble asks for her reaction to the fight. She says she is sad for both of them and she cares for Jeff and….cries. She hopes they can repair it and they have a deep history and hopes this isn’t the end. She’s never seen him break down like that. Jeff says that he saw Ryan’s blog and knew coming in today that Ryan was going to be all about defense and if he had come in with a different approach (groveling and apologizing for stuff he might not have done.) things would have gone differently. Jeff cries and says he lost his best friend. Man this is fucking depressing. Glad I’m on duty for this.
Jeff says that he needs to move on and he’s scared but will do just that with his team. “We’re gonna turn that frown upside down, Bobble.” Bobble asks what they could possibly do to top the drama next season, and Jeff, half jokingly, says “BABY.” hahAHAHA PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get a baby!!
So that was one of the saddest reunions I’ve ever watched, but I can’t wait for next season. Will we meet Jeff’s man (if they’re even still together)? Will Jeff turkey baster Jenni? And what’s the deal? Did Ryan really screw Jeff over? After all this I still can’t tell.

We kept you next to the fat free fudge pops and Lean Cuisines for too long. Let’s get you some chardonnay.

Previously, Chaz killed his pet homeless lady. Today we open with sad music. Jeff has decided that he’s gonna try and work things out with Ryan. He wants to see Chloe, and even though he knows he should just stay away and save everyone the pain his personality seems to inflict, that’s not what this show’s about. So he goes to pick up Ryan and Chloe for a bday party planning day.
Sad music is still playing, but Jeff has already forgotten that soft side he was trying to get us to buy for a couple of minutes and now he’s ranting to us about how he can’t forgive Ryan cuz Ryan didn’t even apologize and he better gd apologize and never do it again! He could turn the other cheek, but that cheek hasn’t been properly sanded down and lubed with placenta yet, so forget it. This cheek it is. And this cheek’s pissed.
Ryan isn’t ready to turn the other cheek yet, either, which of course means: CHEEK WAR!! Jeff said some really hurtful things and he’s not ready to forgive him. In the meantime, they will buy Chloe lots of crap. She wants a “jumpy house” for her birthday, but that would open the door to property war between her dads. They should just let her use the tank of lip saline Jeff keeps in the back yard and save themselves some money.

Jeff’s version of smiling ear to ear.

They get to the party planning place, and I have my fingers crossed that Chloe asks for an entrance on a helicopter and her own poet.

LOL

The Planning Lady pulls out a big binder of party stuff and Jeff orders as much as possible and pays for it. He runs out of things to buy, so Planning Lady offers a clown who does all sorts of magic tricks. Jeff insists said clown is in the sex offender’s registry, and tells us that he believes all clowns are members of a secret pedophile ring.

The Planning Lady is horrified that he just said that in front of Chloe, but he insists that the little girl doesn’t understand a thing he’s saying. Riiiight. She’ll be telling all her little friends the clown is trying to diddle them while she asks the maid for a glass of chardonnay and flashes the adults and screams “boobies!” Jeff has this kid in Tara Reid training camp, and it’s reason enough to lift all bans on gay people adopting. Cuz what this world could use right now? More Tara Reid.

Jeff’s House – The family sits down to lunch and talks about Jett’s new baby boy. Jeff worries that the kid is gonna be fat and he doesn’t want any fat kids around. HA. Someone else’s happiness, of course, leads him to ponder the gaping hole in his soul and he decides to get a kid before he’s too old. Dear God please let next season center around Jeff auditioning babies. Jett has named his kid Mason, and Zoila says “Like Perry Mason!” Love it. And I also love that Perry Mason’s fat. There was a line on Mad Men about that this week. “She said I look like Perry Mason.” “She was calling you fat.” LOL. Poor Mason. I hope he’s got some thick skin. The kid Mason, not Perry Mason. He’s dead, right?
Buena Park – There’s only one more week til this baby needs to be finished, so Jeff is freaking out. You can tell cuz he’s whispering about all the problems instead of shouting about them. Sarah, the client, is a perfect fit cuz she basically just follows him around saying yes to whatever he wants to do. He’s stressed, but this one’s gonna be just fine. They have a lot in common. Mostly in the face department.

When’s the deadline on your face? Round the same time? It could use some stairs maybe.

Jeff, Jenni and Ryan have lunch and talk about how big they can make Chloe’s party. Jeff wants a merry go round and a roller coaster, but Ryan says Chloe wants a monkey. Jeff won’t do that after the recent monkey killing in the news. HA. Jenni agrees to dress as a gecko, and then the margaritas start to hit their blood streams. Jeff asks if Dale is bipolar because he changes his mind on where he wants to live so much, but he doesn’t want to accuse anyone of anything without evidence. Ryan laughs evilly and jokes that he’s been accused without evidence. Sad music starts playing as Jeff tries to decide on a plan of action. Should he lose his shit all over Ryan and demand an apology? Or should he finish his margarita first? The margarita wins, but Ryan is seriously digging a really deep grave for himself right now.
Jeff is convinced that Ryan has stolen business from him but he can’t prove it yet so he just gives him dirty looks. Or clean looks. Or sexy looks. I really can’t tell. Sometimes he looks like he’s wearing a rubber mask and is about to rob a bank.

Drop the guacamole or die, mofo!

Jeff knows that if he’s gonna catch Ryan it’s gonna be soon, and he thinks that there’s a strong possibility that he’s gonna find out what Ryan did at Chloe’s bday party. Jesus paranoia! Just enjoy the jumpy house and the child molester for a day and let it go! He says that at that party when he finds out what Ryan did, he’s gonna have to cut him and his family off FOREVAH!
Strohm – Jeff goes to visit his friend Jenn, whose house he’s remodeling. She has a cute two year old who doesn’t want to take a nap. Sweet “aw Jeff is feeling paternal” music plays, and Jenni says Jeff having his own kid is a bad bad bad idea. Cut to Jeff looking at the kid sweetly while suggesting they move his crib to the garage so he can work. I vote again for Jeff to adopt, if anyone’s listening.

Aw, I want my OWN child to ruin! WAAAHHH!!!

Buena Park – The “Jeff needs to be a father like yesterday” theme continues over at Buena Park. Jeff had Jose set off spider bombs in the house but forgot to tell Sarah that was going down. So when she showed up there with her son, they ingested the poison and were barfing outside. He gets a kick out of poisoning her, but when he finds out he got the son, too, his face actually defies the botox and we see a full smile! HAHAH. He’s so wrong. I wish I had a uterus. I would send him a care package with a baby in it just to see where next season goes.

That shit was so funny it defeated the bubonic plague.

Jeff tells us about laughing at when bad things happen to people, and I totally get it. It’s how I feel when I watch VH1. Sure, humanity’s going to shit and God will probably flood the Earth and start all over again, but why not laugh in the meantime? Montage of Jeff laughing at his poisoned clients for an hour.
Jeff’s House – Sound of gum smacking. Sarah’s working today! Jeff asks her to call her sister for him and he tells Carrie he looked up a house that he passed by and found out how much they owe cuz they let their lawn go to shit and are most likely in default. Smelling blood and going in for the kill. See? Isn’t house flipping more fun than expensive remodels? Less money, but more schadenfreude, which is priceless. Carrie agrees to work on it, and she also agrees to lower the price on his own house to get rid of it.
Strohm – When Jenni and Jeff get to the house, they catch the workers sleeping in the front yard. They don’t get Jeff’s “did you have a nice nap?” sarcasm, and say that yes they had a great nap thank you. I have to give him credit for not stun gunning them and shoving them on a bus back to the Home Depot entrance in East Hollywood.
He tries to go over his plans with Sarah, but her brat has heard a male voice and is now screaming “DADDY!” from his room. She brings him out to show him that the voice is coming from Jeff and the kid looks horrified.

That’s the thing that’s under my bed at night! WAAAHHHH!

Jeff knows that the adoption process could take six years and lots of bribes, so he decides he might just buy a kid off the internet or find some sad drug addicted runaway teen and have her turkey bastered. There are like three seasons of material in this idea. Just saying.
Cole – Bungalow one is done, and it’s time to start work on number two. Jenni is impressed that Jeff is just doing what is asked of him and not letting his ego get in the way and insisting that he puts his own stamp on everything. I am impressed that he doesn’t make any Spirit jokes to Chaz. Impressed….and very disappointed. Grow when you’re not shooting, Jeff!

Can I have a glass of water?

Jeff gets a call from the appliance delivery people. They can’t make it up the hills at Buena Park so they want to leave and have him pick them up himself. He snaps “yeah I’ll just shove them in the trunk of my Mercedes.” He shouts into the phone about the workers being lazy (no argument there). He refuses to sign for the appliances until they are brought up the hill, and the boss says he can’t force the drivers to do anything. Jesus when did Americans become such pussies? The chef at my job is Moroccan, and he can make us do anything he wants because we know we’ll get a pan to the head if we ever say no. And that’s called leadership, people.
Jeff has no pans on him, so he sends Chris down with his truck to get the appliances. Sarah comes over to check them out and with a huge smile on his face, Jeff apologizes about her being spider bombed. She forgives him, and then he goes for private time with the diary cam and laughs his ass off all over again.
Jeff calls Ryan to ask how “the whole embryo thing” works. You buy the embryos, and then you pay some woman to cook a baby for you. Ryan suggests asking around to see if anyone has frozen embryos that they’ve decided not to use, and Jeff reminds him that Ryan has extra embryos lying around and he wants them. Ryan refuses to sell Chloe’s brothers and sisters and tells us that the thought of “Jeff having one of my children” is horrifying. Wouldn’t they only be his children if he actually produced the eggs in his body? This whole conversation is horrifying. Do you know how many unwanted and neglected children there are in the world? They should all be put in cardboard boxes and left on street corners like stray cats for the gays to peruse like a lost and found box. How can being the child of a gay person be more wrong than being an orphan? Well, being Jeff Lewis’ child, yes, but come on. So it’s better to freeze embryos and sell them off? The moral line here is pretty squiggly.

Until they’re born. They’re worth more when people can see how cute they are.

Ryan has about twenty frozen embryos, and when Jeff points out that he’s being selfish with his embryos when there are so many people who could use them, Ryan asks “why do they need my children on ice?” Jeff says if they were his embryos he would give them out like candy and he thinks they would make great stocking stuffers. He’s joking of course, but can embryo stuffers really be far behind in West Hollywood? You know that shit’s coming. What’s your opinion, Sarah?

Thanks for being here. You really add a lot.

Jeff’s House – Jeff admits that a kid would be an accessory, and sees no problem with having one of Chloe’s brothers or sisters. He would have Jenni or Zoila carry it. LOL Zoila. She may be a little too old, but Jenni’s ripe. He isn’t sure, though, cuz she’s lost weight and he wants her to stay thin and find a man. Another negative? The baby would come out with dead hair. Jenni just laughs at that and doesn’t mention his screaming plugs, because she’s a good person.
Carrie stops by with…an offer for Jeff’s house! Sad music plays, cuz Jeff has decided that he wants to live there and he doesn’t want to take a loss on the house. So he turns it down! This calls for martinis! Carrie doesn’t feel like sticking around. Can’t understand why! She just worked a hundred and twenty days to sell this bitch and now she’s out a commission. Jeff decides that he wants the house to start a family. Yikes and Yay.
Buena Park – Sarah is getting moved in a loves what Jeff did with the place. The inside’s badass but the outside has gone from creepy character to typical LA ultramodern douche.

Ryan’s Place – Time for the party! Jeff has hired some sous chefs to help cater while Jenni practices her rapping gecko act outside. Ryan’s decided to sell his house and move to Santa Barbara. AW!! Chloe is so depressed about it that she goes on a cupcake binge.

Jeff’s House – Jeff is trying to get out the door for the party but has to wait for Zoila, who is taking her sweet time putting “color on my mouth.” This gives Jeff time to tell us that he doesn’t even know what the point is going to this party cuz he doesn’t trust Ryan and doesn’t know if they can be friends. LOL I love how he acts like all this is his decision, as if Ryan’s dying to be his friend and never got told off and humiliated on national television. Jeff and Zoila call each other rude the whole way there, and Jeff is mortified that there’s no valet. HA. Well one thing’s for sure. Jenni’s not getting laid at this party.

She doesn’t care though. She’s just glad the kids aren’t crying and screaming at her gecko costume the way they did when she showed up to her nephew’s part dressed as an elephant. Love it. Even as babies, Los Angelinos cry at the sight of anything Republican.
Jeff is disappointed cuz she won’t meet any guys dressed like that. HA. He doesn’t know any guys with lizard fetishes. I do!

The party is a success. Well, for Chloe at least. Everyone had fun and the jumping house was a big hit. Jeff, however, was a huge disappointment. He just sulked and stared longingly at his would be family instead of digging for dirt on Ryan and making a big scene. WTF? He leaves upset. At first I think it might be because of the way Jenni just shamed all white people with the rap she did, but it turns out he left cuz “I don’t know if I’ll ever see these people again.” Come on, Negative Nancy! Of course you will! Ryan is in the market for a new house. He’ll need his guest star money. We end with Jeff trying to do a crying shot, but it doesn’t work. On the bright side, his other cheek has been sanded, lubed and remolded. It’s ready for its closeup.

Thanks for being with us this season! We’ll see you next time! In the meantime, moisturize.

Whoopi get going! You’re gonna be late to work!

Hi! I’m Flipit! I’m a rude but loving gay man who doesn’t know when to shut his mouth, which I thought would make me totally incompatible with this show. When Tiny Elvis, your usual FO recapper, had to drop out for a “real job” (whatever that is), I did my best to avoid finishing the season myself. That was a massive FAIL, and I will forever be grateful to the Universe.
Previously on Flipping Out, Jeff, well, he flipped out. A lot. Cuz that’s the title of the show. Also cuz, well, he’s Jeff Lewis and that’s what he does. And he does it very, very well. I have always found him engaging, but I’ve done a little work on flipped houses and it’s a tiring, endless stream of physical work, which I don’t approve of, so I never watched regularly. I don’t want to feel exerted when I watch TV. It’s why I can’t watch Biggest Loser or Extreme Home Maker. Well, that and all the fatties and poor people on those shows.
Point is? Never watched. And what a FUCKING IDIOT I have been. To prepare for this week, I watched the season so far. L. O. L. Jeff teaching his would be two year old to tell people her favorite drink is chardonnay? Bemoaning his maid’s newly won citizenship because it’s made her too confident? The assistant in Ralph Lauren short shorts and a dress shirt? It’s been one of the best television weeks in awhile at my place. So that’s enough of that. Let’s get on with it.
We open with the already happeneds. Jeff told off Ryan because he made Ryan rich and Ryan had the nerve to desert him and then offer to share a cheap ass garage remodel with him as thanks. While Jeff spews a full fledged rant ad nauseum, he signs a talking dog shadow puppet.

Ryan watches Jeff go casually, cuz he’s seen through this many times and knows that once he’s done chewing the meat off your bones it’s back to making fun of the maid and hilariously warning Jenni that she’s somehow undatable. He handles the situation like he always does. He just keeps calm, nods his head and looks cute in argyle.

This too, shall pass.

Over at the salon de Chaz worksite, Vlad fucked up in a charming, beat up ghetto Russian thug kinda way and Jeff vowed to get rid of him. Well, after the part with all the lifting and sawing and hammering part is done, of course. This lady keeps supple, moisturized, plucked, waxed, scrubbed, conditioned, blow dried, chap-stick, closed pored, fresh breathed and ironed. Not about to get in the trenches. Pathologically lying contractors? Fine. Lifting and sweating? No. He shines like a new dime on a sunny sidewalk.

Jeff gave Zoila, his maid, shit about not being as organized and attentive as his hot “house assistant”. This guy:

Please God. Please. Please let me somehow meet this guy at Sbux and put him under my spell! Of course, my spell is just basically blindfolding him, handcuffing him, and shoving him into the trunk of my car… Are you allowed to pray for the opportunity to kidnap someone? Anyway, thanks for listening to me. Amen.

Today opens with Jeff taking empty cartons and bottles out of the fridge while shooting icicles at Zoila for letting garbage pile up in the same place he ages the goat placenta for his weekly face sanding and lubrication marathon. She’s watching him detachedly, shrugging a lot. Fridge drama doesn’t work, so he starts raving about her missing one of his shirts when he told her to iron every single shirt in his closet.

No wonder she didn’t have time to throw out milk cartons. Good lord.

Jeff tells us that it takes a lot of different skills to be a maid, and Zoila doesn’t really have any of them. She makes him laugh, though, and that’s his only professional demand. Riiiiight. That and of course ironing hundreds of shirts just cuz. He is in full on ranting mode now, and Zoila’s still watching him like a really repetitive telenovela. Finally he starts to leave the bedroom, saying he doesn’t want her asking for any more special requests until she’s ironed every last stitch in that closet. Her “special requests” include going to visit her friend and going to the bank, most likely for him. She says ok, but not today cuz she has plans. LOL. He waves his finger around and repeats himself over and over, so she fights with her own repetition of “not today.” In. Love. With her. He keeps walking and repeating and she finally just tells him to shut up, closing the closet door behind her so she can get back to Betty La Fea.
Jeff goes over to Cole, the three bungalow beauty complex he’s been working on. And now for some before and after pics!

Before After

Before After

Jeff had nothing to do with those last two, but now that I’m thinking of Kirstie, I’ve been following her on Twitter and it’s one of the most fulfilling decisions I have made in a long time. Here’s an example; “Jessica Simpson u r a great beauty and infinitly funny.. Dony let a pack of fuck wits get u down.. U are eternal. They are.. Fuck wits” Don’t say I never gave you anything.
Back to the show. A lot of work has been done at Cole, but there’s still quite a bit to go. Today the focus is the “meditation garden.” Fucking LA. There’s a calming water feature and resting spots, but no ashtray. Huge problem. Another problem? The homeless woman Chaz has let live in his backyard for twelve years. I would say fucking LA but I’ve already said it.

Frank points out that Spirit is giving Jeff dirty looks. Not having a home doesn’t make you stupid. She knows he’s gonna try to kick her ass out. She doesn’t have a TV but she looks like she’s seen his act a million times. Sure enough, the first thing Jeff starts talking about is how to get rid of Spirit. It’s hard to think of the relaxation aspect of the garden with flies buzzing all around her. One positive thing she brings to the table, though? Very fancy pillows.

by Spirit Accessories. Smell of poop not included.

Jeff goes outside to Spirit and tries to butter her up by complimenting her bedding. He tells us that she would be more comfortable in a shelter. Um…doubtful. Shelters are known for a lot of things (stabbings, mush, pee stains), and comfort isn’t one of them.
Later, Jenni and Jeff are at a stoplight and Jeff reflexively locks his door when he sees a homeless guy begging for change. Bwahah. He says that he has a fear of clowns, drag queens, and homeless people. Sounds reasonable to me. Add migrant workers in front of the Home Depot and we’ll be perfectly compatible. Jenni wants to give the homeless guy a buck, but Jeff refuses and adds that she can be compassionate on her own time. When he’s in her car she’s not to mingle with the descamisados cuz he’s not getting carjacked so she can feel better about herself. “You’re risking my life and my car.” By giving change to a homeless guy. I wish I knew Jeff personally. I could finally have someone to try and run down old ladies in crosswalks with. We all have our sport.
Buena Park: This house is a mess and it needs to get done asap. Fortunately, Vlad’s on the case! Well, fortunately for us cuz it’s fun to watch him lie and get mad and stare at Jenni’s boobs. Jeff’s issue with Vladdles today is a drain in the tub, which needs an extender. Vlad explains how difficult it is to find a strainer drain with lips. Yes, I would imagine that would be hard. Jeff doesn’t believe that there is such a thing as a drain extender, and is eager to see how Vlad is going to find one by the end of the day. “He’ll probably patent one and invent it just to prove us all wrong.” LOL. Montage of Vlad lying his ass off. Unsuccessful visit? Yes. But at least Jenni’s boobs got some attention.

Try a pashmina or something.

Back home, Zoila asks for permission to get her hair done at Chaz’ place on Tuesday. Jeff is like uh no you’re in prison and no one’s gonna see your hair anyway but me. She’s always trying to come up with reasons to escape leave the house for a couple hours at a time, and he’s got like five hundred shirts for her to iron over and over again. He tells her he wants her to work like a normal person, and she says most normal people get off at 3:30. Ah, Mexico. Why does anyone leave that paradise? Jeff’s not buying it, and Jett chimes in that he gets his errands done after work and she should too. Snapple! I wish Zoila was advanced enough in her English to shush him and tell him to just stay quiet and look pretty, but she’s not so she just crosses her arms and grumbles. Jeff decides it’s time to come up with a way to get her ass in line, and with her newfound citizenship, belting is out of the question.
Over at Cole, Jerff does a walk through with Frank, who tells him that he thinks Spirit is pooping in the backyard and burying it. Jeff can smell it and thinks customers might have problem relaxing in the Zen garden while inhaling homeless poop smell. The team confronts Chaz about the poop problem, and he looks utterly confused and kinda surprised that she’s pooping in the yard. Frank’s like “where else is she gonna poop?” Jeff chides him for not having toilet paper out there. LOL. Well, you’re the one working on it. Add a vanity and a paper towel rack to the patio banister. Chaz is very protective of Spirit. Not protective enough to give her a house key, of course, but protective. At least she had the manners to bury it. It’s kinda like flushing.
Buena Park – The owners are worried that the doggie door is big enough for a human to fit through it, so Jenni wins the task of going outside and crawling through. Jenni? Takes a lot of crap. I hope to someday marry someone like her. But with a peepee. She can’t crawl through because the door was installed upside down. Oh, Vlad. Jeff, over it, tells one of the workers that he’s going to be taking over fixing everything that’s on Vlad’s list and he’ll deduct it from Vlad’s pay. That’s gonna go over really well. There will be a lot of angry claps coming Jeff’s way.
Jeff’s House – Since the belting option is off the table, Jeff has decided to threaten her with a bathtub full of gasoline while he smokes? Put snakes in her bed? Pull out her toe nails one by one? No. He’s spent three hundred bucks on a Roomba. Wow. You punish the maid by not making her vacuum any more. I’m very disappointed in you right now, Jeff Lewis. On the bright side, it’s good to have help that the dogs can feel close to.

The plan is to avoid violence and lean on old fashioned jealousy instead. And it works! Zoila’s pissed and when Jeff leaves, she’s not cross armed and grumbly, she’s holding a mop.

Well played, sir. Well played.

Cole – Jeff has found a used chunk of toilet paper in the Zen garden. Now this is what I call progress. He complained that Chaz didn’t even give her toilet paper and boom. Toiletpaper. What’s the problem? Oh yeah IT’S COVERED IN SHIT. Jeff gets Chaz outside and bitches about his “homeless pet”. But if you only knew the story behind Spirit you would understand!! Jeff is sick of hearing about this story, so Chaz finally tells it to him. Brace yourselves. You know this is gonna be the flakiest bs you’ve heard in a long time. All together now, FUCKING LA.
When he was in Bel Air looking for a house, he meditated and asked his spirit guides to send him signs to find the perfect place. He pulled up to this house and there was a homeless lady with blue eyes. “Like the Caribbean!” Chaz introduced himself and was floored to find out the lady’s name was Spirit. Cuz he asked for spiritual signs!! OMG the universe listened!! Unfortunately for Chaz, he also got stuck in traffic that day and said shit a lot.
Jeff doesn’t laugh or roll his eyes or make a rude comment, which is commendable. Especially when he’s got two of his greatest three fears (a clown and a homeless person) in his vicinity. I cross my fingers that the producers will put a pair of false eyelashes on Frank so we can watch Jeff go fetal, but they don’t. BOOOOO! Jeff says that he will drop it like Spirit drops poop in the flower bed.
Jeff’s House – The roomba is still wreaking havoc and Zoila is pissed. She even argues with Jeff because Roomba, “the big star”, is cleaning a room she wants to clean. OK so now Zoila’s begging to clean? Jeff Lewis is the Dale Carnegie of our times. Finally, Zoila gets annoyed enough to pick up the Roomba and put it in robot vacuum cleaner jail. This is like a Bette Davis movie.

All About Roomba

Buena Park – Jeff goes to check on Jose’s progress. The doggy door is fixed, which means Jenni now has the exciting opportunity to crawl through it. She does, and gets filthy. Jeff turns her around to make sure she doesn’t have dirt all over her butt and then assures her that she’s clean as a whistle.

This leaves open the opportunity at the next job site to rip her apart for showing up dirty. Always thinking ahead, this one.

Jeff’s House – The family sits around to have a sweet peaceful lunch together. Jett has brought lunch, and even though Zoila didn’t ask for anything, he brought her chips and salsa. She wants his guacamole too. She hates him, and it’s delicious. Jeff asks her how her visit with her friends was and if they were happy at their jobs, and she says they are because they get the weekends off. Sound of Roomba in the background. Jett says that he knows people he can introduce Jeff too if he wants to replace Zoila, and Jenny commends him on turning into such a dick after only a year of training. Zoila snaps “I no talking to you, House Assistant.” In the maid world, those are fighting words. There’s a looooong moment of silent tension. Then Jenni pops up. “I had a date last night!” And the room is officially dead. Zoila starts crying and goes to her room. Poor Jenni.
Jeff follows Zoila and it turns out she’s not crying because of Jenni’s sad dating life, but because Jett…well I’ll let her say it herself.

Jenni comes into the room too, and then Jett. Stupidly, he leaves the guacamole on the table. He apologizes, but Zoila’s not biting. Jeff offers to take the pressure off Zoils awhile by making fun of Jenni’s “pumpkin costume” instead. Why make one woman cry when you can have two? It’s called a bargain.

Zoila forgives Jett, but threatens to kill him if he makes her cry again. Jeff doesn’t tell Zoila this cuz he doesn’t want his house to turn into a cobwebbed trash heap, but he assures us that her job is very very safe and he would never fire her. As an olive branch, he gets rid of Roomba. And clean floors.
Cole – Things are shaping up in the homeless garden, but the Spirit problem is still there. Jeff asks Frank to move her to the driveway, because he feels less is more. Especially when it comes to homeless people. He goes inside and nags Chaz about Spirit again, and this time Chaz is pissed. Or he’s just wearing more eyeliner than usual. I can’t tell.

Don’t fuck with me liner.

They compromise, and decide to just move Zoila away from the picture window. The rest of the yard could use some fertilizing too. Chaz is lucky homeless people don’t have Bravo, cuz he would have a whole brigade in his backyard if anyone caught wind of the news that there’s such a sucker generous person in LA. Jeff accepts that he’s not gonna win this one, so in addition to moving Spirit to a more hidden part of the property, he’s adding an outdoor shower for her. AW! See? He’s nice! The shower will be hooked up to a tank of acid, but still.
In the car, sweet see he’s really a good person guitar music plays as Jeff asks Sarah why everyone calls Spirit a woman when she’s obviously a man. Sarah says Chaz told her it’s so people will feel sorrier for her. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. What the hell is wrong with Chaz, and why does he need people to feel the maximum amount of sorry for her? My guess is that it’s because Chaz is a “I’m a generous, spiritual yoga practicing cloth shopping bag carrying Prius driver with a recycling bin and my own personal homeless sign from the universe kinda rich person, not the asshole kind” prop for this queen, and she needs to be used to her full potential. I am kinda grossed out with Chaz.
Jeff is called over to Buena Park by Chris, the new contractor, cuz Vlad has fucked up more stuff. When Jeff gets there, Chris has already decided how to fix it all, which makes Jeff decide that it’s time to branch out and take Chris on as a new partner. The Ryan situation is obviously not gonna be fixed any time soon, and as long as he’s going to have to work alongside a man who won’t sleep with him anyway, he’ll upgrade to Chris and make some money while he does it.
Jeff’s House – Jeff announces some bad news to his assistants. Spirit died!! WTH?? This is fishy. Is it me, or are his eyes smiling right now?

Knowing what everyone’s thinking, Jeff says right up front that he had nothing to do with it and instructs Jenni to tell the police that she was at home with him all night last night. Jenni tells him to stop joking and insists that he’s not funny, but she’s very very wrong. I have to pause to cackle. He tries to stare off into the distance and look all forlorn, but he can’t stop the half smile from appearing. Jenni starts getting teary eyed as Jeff insists that he didn’t want her to die. Just ship her off to a shelter. LOL.
Over at Cole, police stand around admiring the now lush Zen garden. Spirit appears to have died from dehydration. Right before a shower was installed. And her new room was where all the water bottles were kept. So basically if everyone had listened to Jeff sooner and moved her quicker, she’d still be here to fertilize the lawn today. Who am I? When did I become this rotten of a person? Jesus I can’t stop myself from typing this trash. And how generous is fucking spiritual tree huggie down dog Chaz when his homeless person dies from a lack of WATER?!

Jenni cries, and says that she’s so upset because it’s sad to see how people are just thrown away in life and everyone’s just like “oh well she’s dead throw her bed in the trash and move on!” Death is only respectable when you’ve got greedy family members fighting over your shit. Jenni has a valid point, and it’s a genuine and touching moment. But all I can think is damn, someone’s gonna break an ankle trying to walk around that water feature.

Where Spirit used to sleep, there’s a vase of flowers, a candle, and…wait for it…a glass of water.

SO. WRONG!

In the car, Jeff lets Jenni talk about being sad for Spirit. This has all made Jeff think about his own mortality. Death really makes you think about who’s important in your life, which is all the excuse he needs to call Ryan to do some repair work. Do you think his toolbox has an “I’m sorry” in it? I’m guessing no, but I will def be tuning in to next week’s season finale to find out. Thanks for being here.