Mel Gibson burns down the house and puts the “raped by a pack of n words” curse on the HGs.

OK, so that probably won’t happen, but a boy can cross his fingers. Our lovely Chenbot comes out wearing a blue sheet of some sort, tied hastily so she can open it up quickly and gas BabyBot up during commercials. Kind of the modern version of those long underwear people used to wear in the old days with a buttoned trap door in the back so you could just poop the second you came upon a well dug hole.

It’s called formula, Julez. Keep those things inside.

She tells us that the saboteur is out (lamest saboteur ever. Told you to never trust a bisexual!), the power couple is in (God please let Brendon cry tonight. PLEASE) and someone made a bold (re; fucking idiotic) move that could cost him the game. And his wife’s legs, if you hear him tell it.

Previously, the guy who openly refers to himself as a Pussy showed off his attempts at the young and stylish (in the early 2000s on Bravo shows) fauxhawk.

Bald guys. SHAVE. You’re not fooling anyone.

Boob City wielded her power carefully. Her vagina, however, she threw all over the backyard with abandon.

Which Pussy is more intelligible? Let’s vote.

You guys. How awesome has it been watching Monet and Britney be total bitches and then cry like little bitches? I have been laughing my ass off over here. Well, not off. It’s still there. Britney would eviscerate me over my fat ass. Now I feel sad. I forgot what I was talking about.

On a sidenote, Monet looks like a super beige version of the sister on Dexter.

Or a monkfish.

Britney won the power of veto and the “evil genius” Matt put himself on the block. Why? I don’t really understand that. But I don’t understand BB in general. I just watch and laugh and feel smart and stuff. Why am I talking about last night? Cuz the booming announcer guy is. Screw this, announcer guy. Let’s live in the NOW, mkay?

I’ve been to the live show, and those seats are TINY. I can’t believe they even fit this crowd in. Someone needs to open a Golden Corral across the street. They’ll make billions.

On the first show of the season, Chenlet looked a little motherly. Now she’s thin as a rail again. WTF? I’m guessing super Spanx. We’ll never see her from the back cuz some poor pa’s have been assigned to gather all her excess skin and tie it off behind her.

Solar Power: Best Diet Evah

Rachel got dressed up tonight. She’s even wearing underwear.

As her outfit, but still. Baby steps.

We pick up where we left off last night. Rachel made it clear that Matt is just a pawn, and Monet stalks off with Britney and says that Rachel’s “a stupid bitch if she thinks it’s in her best interest to target me.” Well, in less than five seconds you’ve called her a bimbo, and idiot, a hooker, a bitch and a slut. Not that you’re wrong, but still. You can kinda see where Rachel’s coming from.

Rachel is pretty confident that Monet is going home, but that probably won’t happen, just cuz it’s Big Brother and logic has no role here. Matt goes into the pantry and high fives Lane like he just did something intelligent. Then he says he’s in a “powerhouse alliance.” LOL. Rachel and Brendon make out and stuff. Then Britney cries because she’s gonna miss Monet. Violins play, and Monet and Brit cry together. Britney does it prettier. Monet says everyone’s stupid and Rachel could have just nominated Matt without jabbing her with the “just as a pawn” line. Britney deadpans “She also could have worn a shirt, but we can’t make all her decisions for her Monet.” Monet says she wishes Boob City would just go back to stripping in Vegas and Britney rolls her eyes. “She’s a scientist, Monet.” HAHAHAH. LONG LIVE BRITNEY.

Monet talks about how trashy Boob City is. While facing the camera with her legs wide open.

Dear God. I don’t know if I’ve thanked you lately for creating shorts. THANKS. Love, Flipit

Matt comes in and joins their pity party. He smiles big and talks about how pissed he is. He’s convinced that Boob will be out next week. He plays innocent and then brags in the DR about how awesome he is. Out on the patio, some girl comes out to talk to Hayden.

Who the f is this?

The most that girl has ever talked is in the opening credits. Hayden tells us that he’s in a super secret showmance with her. It’s secret because no one in a showmance makes it far. Um…Jordan won last year. Boogie? Dicklet got second and she was in a showmance. A sick skeletal whiny one, but a showmance is a showmance. They don’t call him Haydum for nothing. “We’re keepening it on the down low.” Except when you’re following her around and pawing at her and stuff in front of everyone. You’re about as down low as a preacher at a Chuck E Cheese.

Sorry it’s dark. Not you, Kristen. Where’d that giant stuffed animal go?

Hayden tells Kristen how hot she is and how into her he is and she’s so pretty and wow boobies. She lays there like a dead fish and mutters umhmmm a lot. She tells us that she’s developing true feelings for Hayden. How can you not? Especially in the dark when you just feel him and listen to him say how hot you are without having to look at that face. Hayden whispers “no one can know!” Pan over to Tevya, the happiest Jew in the world, trying to get in his two AM prayer service before going to sleep. He says he can hear slurping and grunting and it’s like trying to fall asleep while any movie starring Barbra Streisand is playing. Bonertown.

Yeah Babs. Spin that dradle. YES. YES!!!!!

Porn music plays during the smoochies, and Tevya rolls over to cover his menshy hardhat until Kristen leaves. The next morning, Boobs comes down to show of some whore zebra she had killed and turned into a bathing suit.

She is worried that somehow the votes to oust Monet won’t come through so she wants to see where Kristen’s head is at. She yanks it out of Hayden’s crotch and tells her that Monet and Britney are going around telling everyone that they have Kristen’s vote. Kristen vows that they’re lying and gets super pissed about it. Stupid Boobs. Just let it be! You’re gonna fuck it all up! Kristen, of course, immediately confronts Britney about it, and Britney denies it. She calls over Monet and tells her the news. Sheriff sneaks off to Boobs to warn her that the shit’s about to hit the very slowly moving fan. Tattle tale!

Kristen says she just wanted to make sure that there was no misunderstanding because there is no way Matt deserves to go home over Monet. Monet doesn’t really get where the hate’s coming from and tries to calmly shrug it off. Then Boobs comes down with Emo Brendon to say that she put Monet up cuz she would have done the same to “me and Brendon”. Enough already with the “me and Brendon” crap. Do you guys even know each other’s last names? Jesus. Relationships like this aren’t fun to watch. Until they explode. How much more interesting did Jennifer Aniston become once everyone started breaking up with her? Not at all. I forgot my point.

Monet says it’s unfair to act like she was being a bitch when she wasn’t and Boobs gets all defensive and says that she doesn’t use derogatory terms like “bitch”. Monet gets all teary and runs off to cry, but not before telling Boobs she’s lucky she’s walking away. Darn. I thought there was gonna be some hair pulling and screeching, and all I get is more Monet tears.

Waaaaaaahhhhh!

Later that night, Britney decides that it might be a good idea to make nice with Boobs just in case she wins HOH again in the future. She promises that she hasn’t lied, no matter what anyone said. Boobs looks disbelieving. Or tired. Or miserable. I don’t know what that look is, but whatever it is it’s not flattering.

Less sun, more fish oil and water. And naps.

Boobs tells us that she wants Britney as an ally, so she tells her that Matt volunteered to go up as a pawn to get Monet out. Brit’s tears are instagone. She laughs and tells Boobs that Matt’s been acting super pissed that he was put up. Then she waits for Boobs’ tiny brain to start inventing, which it does. “And he says he’s gonna put me and Brendon up! I knew he was gonna do this!” Um, isn’t he supposed to act pissed? Isn’t that the point of this whole thing? Britney just keeps her mouth shut and lets Boobs get herself worked up. She starts crying and says that she told Brendon Matt was fucking with them and she was right. She decides to call a house meeting for some answers. HA! This girl is a freaking idiot and I LOVE IT. Do your best to turn the entire house against you more than they already are. Twit.

Tevya doesn’t come to the meeting cuz he’s…guess. A. Writing a Shoe Salesman Autobiography to keep his cover B. Tanning C. Jerkin while looking through a book of coupons. None of the above! He’s praying!

God must be like “dude shut the fuck up already I have a LIFE.”

Rachel tells everyone that Matt is a pawn and she feels like he’s playing both sides of the house. The evil genius is stumped. But still smiling like a jackass. Monet starts crying and yelling at Matt for playing her when this was all his idea. He says he felt strong armed by Boobs and Brendon and that he was forced to follow whatever they said. Boobs says he flat out begged to be put up and then ran to Britney and Monet to promise to go against Boobs. He stands up for himself, saying that Boobs and Brendon are in an overt alliance and everyone is gonna try to get them out. Then he asks “am I in an alliance with anyone?!” The Brigade puts their heads down in unison. Smooth. After a looong pause, PussyPussy shrugs and stutters “what the alliance? What’s that? I donna know about alliances pizza pie parmesan ciao bella principessa!”

Brendon says that Dr. Evil has shown his true colors and people will vote how they vote. Monet tells the HGs that they can vote her out for winning ten thousand bucks if they want but Matt is a liar and a really good one and he’ll screw them all if they’re not careful. Matt smiles and twitches and stuff. Chenlet comes on the big TV and asks a bunch of dumb questions. Then she shows us some clips from the haves and have nots competition. Britney laughs and laughs. No clips of her saying how personal everyone was getting by splurting in her face. Ragan says that getting splooged in the face was a typical night in West Hollywood and then surprises everyone by singing a Donna Summer tune while popping out the anal beads he’s been clenching since day one.

Chendra asks Britney how much this week sucked, and Brit says it sucked harder than Boob City putting herself through online college. Tevya is given a chance to talk about NASCAR. I mean Judaism. He says that he’s super religious and yay God and dradle dradle dradle and matza balls. Sheriff is asked a viewer question: is it harder being a sheriff or a HG. She says it’s harder being a HG cuz there’s not a drug store at every corner and she’s only got one case of mascara left. “Nice talking to with you, Houseguests!” It’s pretty stunning that with all the hours on the job, Chentilly can get so much…the same. Chental calls Boobs up to the HOH suite and Boobs looks scared.

I think that TV is talking to me.

She gives Chenriqua a Heygirlheeeeey! and laughs in that horsey way she does. She tells Chensei that Matt is a snake and she’s glad that she called him out. Then she says “Brendon and me” like five times. She thinks that she has the house on “me and Brendon’s side!” Chen asks if she’s ever fallen so hard for a guy so fast, and Boobs says she’s fallen hard on one but for one is a different story and she would take Brendon over the cash. There is nothing that pisses me off more than people in love. Well, that’s not true. Rich people in love piss me off more. Ooh rich people with hair in love. I’m getting super mad right now.

Time for the don’t evict me speeches. Monet tremble cries and speaks bad English. Matt says that he considers everyone his friends and blah. Then he calls Julie The Chenbot!! LOL!! BRILLIANT. Tevya votes out Monet, and points out that she’s got ten thousand dollars and he’s Jewish. PussyPussy votes for Monet, Britney votes for Matt, Sheriff votes out Matt, Hayden votes for Monet, Kristen votes for Monet, Ragan votes for Monet. She’s screwed. Brendon votes for Matt, obvs. Lane votes for Monet, too. And she’s out! She’s praying anyway.

Sooooo….ummmmm. This is awkward. You start.

Monet gets the hell out without even saying bye to Britney. She tells Chenlet that she already said bye and then cries her face off. She says the house made her crazy and outside she’s strong and stuff, even though she’s not as strong as she thought she was. It’s awkward, but ChenChen smiles anyway cuz she’s a pro. And a robot. Monet thinks that her winning money was an easy excuse to vote her out but she’s glad she’s got it. Chenzalez asks if she regrets talking bad about Boobs, and Monet says no. LOL. Then she talks about how up front and honest she is. Uh-huh.

In the goodbye videos, Tevya tells her off and says that she has no game. Sheriff cries and says that she loves her. Dr. Evil says she’s a casualty of war. Boobs tells her off for trying to break up “me and my man”. Then she starts rolling her head and saying that if she wasn’t a cold blooded spinster she would know how to respect a relationship. Britney cries and says she’ll miss hanging out in the backyard and talking about how high waisted Kristen’s pants are and what a ho Boob is. And remember all the the things they dreamed about doing with Boobs’ hair extensions? HAHAHAH. How many times in one recap can I shout “Long live Britney”?

HOH competition! The HGs are positioned on surf boards, which means we’ll get to see Sheriff fall! YAY! The last person standing will win HOH, but the first five to fall off their boards will be the haves. Water falls on their heads, and Tevya is already thinking way too hard. He’s shifting back and forth and repositioning himself every five seconds and doing the eleven o’clock number from his barmitzvah. Then Lane shows us why he’s worth rooting for.

Wait. He’s wearing a t-shirt under it! Jeeeeze. Never mind. He just gave me a reason not to root for him. As more water comes gushing out harder at that HGs, we are left with the sounds of “woooooo! Go Brendon! (horsey laugh). It’s gonna be a loud summer.

Enough to keep an entire city’s contacts lubed.

We got to see other stuff too:

Extreme Jewiness

Wiener outlines and faces that weren’t cooked in the womb quite long enough.

Don’t forget a good old fashioned flamer!! Who’s kinda psychic apparently.

You’re gonna need to speak louder. Dammit dog stop mumbling you’re making mommy look like an idiot on national TV.

And….more extreme Jewiness.

Well, part my sea and call me Moses you’ve got some GORGEOUS TOES!

When we left off, Hayden the butterfaced buff guy nominated Boob City and Brendan for eviction. Most likely because he wasn’t the first one to get chased down by the slutty bimbo. I love that Hayden told Brendan that since he wasn’t accounted for during the big blackout that he is now “a suspect.” It’s like Clue, but with no deductive reasoning involved at all. And no candlesticks. Those would have come in handy.

Thank you so much for nominating me. Sorry about your face.

Brendon hugs Hayden and then goes around hugging everyone, like he just won the nomination for prom queen. He thinks he was put on the block because Hayden’s intimidated by him. Meh, who knows? What I do know is, Brendon has a hard time getting his sideburns straight.

When the lights went out and he couldn’t find his toothbrush, he just barbered himself instead.

Enzo the mafia wannabe, or as I like to call him, Pussy, tells us “da Brigade is runnin things right now!” I can’t help but like Pussy, cuz he’s the type of guy to try and wear those tidal wave bangs even when he’s way past thinning.

Hayden says that he put up Brendon cuz he’s “physically capable and mentally unbelievable.” Just like last year’s winner. You can never be too careful.

“I always hated the kids you were trying to cheat from that would cover their papers.”

Brendon and Boob City beeline toward each other and both cross their arms under their boobs for some reason. Cuz they’re totally into each other for their brains and stuff.

They go into the peach Golden Girls room and stutter words at each other. Brendon thinks they’re up on the block “cuz we’re like a couple type deal” and says that if he has to go out now, at least he met Boob City. She smiles and he smiles and I start crying a little and banging my head on the desk and muttering “I’m gonna die aloooone” over and over again while snot drips out of my nose.

Annie shows up a few minutes later to express her shock and dismay and really poorly thought out blouse, and she is soon followed by Lane, who is wearing a t-shirt for a really big girl. It’s literally got the boob shape cut into the top. Come on, Lane! I know Lane Bryant has good sales, but you look ridonk.

I saw this in the store and it had my name on the tag so I walked out with it.

I don’t generally believe in bisexuality, and think Annie is probably just new to the scene and afraid of calling herself a lez. That said, she’s pretty obviously checking out Lane’s butt. Discuss.

Lane wants to make sure that Brendon knows nothing of the Brigade alliance. No word on whether or not anyone’s told him what Brigade means. Annie says that she really likes Boob City and Brendon but she has to be super careful of associating with them now or people will think she’s bisexual. As Pussy enters, Boob City is telling Brendon that there’s no way Hayden is the type to put them up together and she’s sure someone is in his ear. Pussy looks back and forth to Lane a whole lot, looking totally guilty. Brendon says that Hayden’s dumber than he thought, cuz now he has a big tough competitor going against him. LOL. I love when people get all cocky on Big Brother. It’s like hearing someone brag that they’re really good at slot machines.

Pussy doesn’t like that Annie’s giving compassionate face to the couple because it means that she’s playing all sides and it’s suspicious. Or fishy, if you will. What does “get the face” mean? I googled it and found an article about a burn victim trying to get free face surgery. Now I feel super compassionate.

Out in the backyard, Pussy gathers with Hayden and Lane to gossip. Hayden says…well why even type it?

Pussy follows that up with “they got devastated today.” Just in case someone catches on that that’s not really English, he says it again. I guess to make it a pattern so everyone starts talking like that. He tells Hayden that Annie has an alliance with Boob City and Brendon. Hayden, of course, falls for it. At least I think that’s what this means.

My parents left me alone AGAIN!!

Annie walks right up and sits with them. The guys are all quiet and nervous and shifty. She tries to charm them, but they’re frozen. Brendon and Boob go lay on the hammock together so Brendon can whine some more and kinda sniffle. LOL!!! HE’S CRYING!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Boob says if she wins the veto she’ll use it on him. Then they get under a blanket and talk about going on a date. At least I think that’s what Boob is saying. She sounds like she’s talking with her mouth full. I don’t see how that’s possible since they didn’t bring out food. Maybe she just has a really big tongue?

In the kitchen, the HGs watch the couple and giggle, and we are treated to slurping and smacking sounds. Classy. Boob City says that she totally like feels like a twelve year old girl right now she’s not even kidding. If you were twelve years old I would give you a spanking, missy! Shame on you! At least take off the blanket. Chooch, are you getting this on the live feeds? Please send me pics. Thanks and love, Flipit.

Hayden is all offended that instead of worrying about being on the block and making him feel all powerful that they’re getting some instead. Sad horns. The next morning, Brendon wet naps his crotch and goes to the HOH room to talk to Hayden. They “dude” and “yeah, like” a lot. Brendon says that he refuses to campaign against Boob City. He will try to win the veto, and if he does he threatens to come after Hayden. Hayden is offended, but smart enough to shut up since he’s out of power soon. Brendon wants to get rid of the Sheriff types first, and then he stumps for Annie, confirming the bs that Pussy spilled into Hayden’s ear last night. OY. Brendon should, like, talk less. Hayden makes no promises and looks like he can’t wait to run straight to Pussy and gossip like a little biatch.

The HGs gather to pick players for the Veto Competition. Sheriff Mascara looks like she’s about to sob. This bitch is crazy and I hope she’s around long enough to show us just how much.

Brendon says that he will take himself off if he wins, and Boob City says that she will take Brendon off. UGH. She thinks that she will have a better chance of staying if she’s up against someone else than he will if he is. Seriously, women? GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. I hope that the competition has something to do with who can get the first signs of a bad back or something so she has a chance of winning just so I can see if she’ll really be that stupid.

Pussy’s name is pulled first. That’s two Brigaders playing. Andrew Tevya is next. Boob City picks Monet’s name out, and as she does it she rolls her eyes. It might have gotten past Monet….oh wait no it didn’t.

Monet says she wanted to use her giant boobs as punching bags in that moment. LOL. Hayden chooses Annie as the host. Pussy, Hayden and Matt (I think that’s his name. The dorky one. Typing that was quicker than looking it up and he hasn’t really made an impression yet) get together to talk. Hayden wants to keep Boob City (shocker) and get rid of Brandon, and if one of them wins veto he wants to put Annie up. Pussy disagrees because “if dat bitch ends up stayin’ she’ll start serious shit.” Wow. And correct. He wants Sheriff Mascara on the block, cuz “no one’ll fuckin vote huh oaf”. I think that she’s already been mentioned as the one to go home like five times by different people, so that’s probably wrong. Hayden is sold either way. Pussy’s got a hold on his tiny little Eight is Enough head.

Later, Brendon goes back up to Hayden’s room to get a firm answer from him about whether or not he’s gonna get some help. Then he pulls out the ole “he’s either with me or he’s against me.” Jesus. I think the last time I heard that was when Bush was threatening the world if they didn’t help him find Osama. I am putting money on the table that Brendon will use “gonna smoke em out” at some point this episode.

Hayden has nothing to say really, but says thinking about all this is “a lot to chew over.” When pressed, he says that if he wins the POV he will keep the noms the same. Brendon lightly threatens him again and leaves to the Golden Girls room, where he mutters positive affirmations to himself. Time for the veto competition! Something tells me this will have to do with immigration.

The first person to have an anchor baby wins!

The backyard is filled with strung up pinatas. Boob City calls it “a pinata siesta”, which means a pinata nap. HA! In her defense, pinatas are kinda lifeless. Pussy whips off his shirt in the diary room. EW. Please don’t do that. Should people who don’t work out be allowed to take off their shirt? OF COURSE. But not on my TV, k?

Cuz I don’t wanna go through this alone.

The game is called Cinco de Mayo, as in mayonnaise. Cuz there’s rotten mayo in the pinatas. More food in a challenge. Whoever comes up with these games has a serious eating disorder. Hidden in the mayo are letters. They have to collect the letters and make the longest word possible. YAY word games!! I love these on this show. The HGs who aren’t playing have to sit right up close to the action so they get sprayed. Ragan complains about it as gayly as possible because this is Big Brother and we wouldn’t you to get confused as to who’s who.

Gay Guy

It’s pretty traumatic all around.

Hayden brags that he plays college baseball so he knows how to swing a bat. I can’t wait to see how confident he is when it gets to the spelling part. He said “chews over”, you guys. Lane says getting “hit in the face with dairy” is downright unfair. I’ll tell you what’s unfair.

Does this man ever age?

Britney tries holding onto Lane, but he swats her off. Boob City isn’t good with “any kind of bat”. I am sure we all find that hard to believe. She slams the pinatas into the tree stumps to break them. Pussy says “you gotta go street on da pinadas. Gotta go street.” From the looks of it, that means tapping the pinatas super gently over and over again until they admit to cheating at canasta. Tevya has no problem with this challenge because if mayo gets in his mouth it’s totally kosher. OMG I totally forgot he was Jewish for a second. And how can that mayo be kosher? Doesn’t kosher mean it wasn’t touched by human hands or something? I am starting to question my own Jewiness now. Thanks, Tevya. Jerk.

Brendon is just getting as many letters as possible and trying to figure it out as he goes, but Hayden is trying to spell Journeyman. LOL. He says he’s only missing one letter, but he’s got E F B E N A Y E, which isn’t even close. I love this show. Pussy tells us he used ta work in a factory, wid pipes, brayass, nipples, stainless steel…wait. WHAT? I have no idea what this fool is saying, but I wish he would stop leaning back. His back flab is jiggling all over the couch and it’s mesmerizing. Trying to concentrate here, Pussy!

Tevya tells us that since he’s a doctor, he plans on spelling an eleven letter word. He’s a fucking foot doctor, k? He works with toe jam and hangnails. Unless there’s a crossword puzzle in the back of every Daily Jew Jewy Jewishness Jew News for Jews, I am calling it. He’s full of shit and probably can’t spell. Boob City is trying to spell Chemistry, cuz it’s “like my go to word”, but she’s missing two letters.

Hayden spelled Possible, and he does so correctly. I have to pause and rewind to make sure. Wow. Good for him. Pussy spells Factory, but it has less letters than Possible so he’s out. Boob City whips out Chemistry, beating Hayden. Atta girl!! Brendon is smiling and clapping for her, which means his word is bigger. She wanted to say she spelled that cuz she and Brendon have chemistry but she didn’t want the other HGs to get mad. Then she does that dumb laugh thing. Britney rolls her eyes and tells us that Boob City is trying too hard to convince us all that she’s an important scientist when we all know she makes her money with her giant boobs. Those are pretty strong words coming from a girl named Britney. And also true.

Monet spelled Cheaters, but it’s not enough to unseat Boob. Brendon spelled Understanding. Wowee! Thirteen letters. Tevya, who people are now calling Captain Kosher (blech), is very proud of his word. Pasturized. Bwahahahah told ya! It’s too short and spelled way wrong. Back to the toe jam, faker! Brendon wins! He says he’s coming for Hayden, which should be fun to watch. Boob City, dumb as a brick, is thrilled that Brendon won. Tevya insists that he threw the competition. Riiiiiiight. Meanwhile, Sheriff Mascara tries her hardest to get fired from her job like that idiot cop who posed for Playboy. She’s gonna have to try harder than this. This is just creepy. And you can’t get fired for that.

I’ll stick with being unlucky. Thanks.

Pussy and Matt talk about who to tell Hayden to put up. They don’t wanna get rid of Sheriff cuz “she’s useless”, so they decide Annie would be the best choice because she’s in the three person alliance. So silly. What can a three person alliance even do at this point? While we’re at it, what good is this four person alliance? How are they gonna get enough people on their side without looking like an alliance? And if they’re not supposed to be in an alliance publicly, then why are they hanging out together all the time in the HOH? And why am I typing so much about this? I think so I can have it on pause for a long time and stare at Pussy’s boobs.

Of course they’re advertising on this show.

I am in Texas visiting the family right now. It’s the first time I’ve seen a nightly news ad in half a year that didn’t feature bleached teeth or a weave.

How refreshing to see a fat old guy on the news. Long live Texas!

And we’re back. Pussy calls a Brigay meeting in his – I mean Hayden’s HOH room. “I think we should make a Brigay powuh move”. He says Annie is a liar and is the best player in the house. Has Annie done anything but cry about having a girlfriend? Britney comes into the HOH and gets on board with getting rid of Annie. Hayden doesn’t seem to be on board with this, so Pussy keeps repeating himself over and over again really aggressively. He’s sure he’s got little Hayden following right along.

Annie goes to hang with Britney and Monet. Monet gets out of there early, and Britney immediately tells Annie that Hayden suspects her of being in an alliance with the Boob couple. Britney is starting shit for no reason, and it’s gonna blow up in her stupid face. Annie immediately goes to find Hayden for a chat. She says that she heard that she was in an alliance and Britney’s the one who told her. HAHAHAH. Stupid Britney. Hayden is confused, but that’s pretty normal. He cryptically tells her that things will work themselves out.

Then he goes to Lane, another fount of knowledge, for advice. He thinks that Annie is scared now so if they save her she will owe them a vote later. If they get rid of Sheriff Mascara, it will be “less dramatizing to the rest of the house.” Listening to Lane grunt out words one by one very slowly as he pounds an apple back and forth in his giant hands is adorable, horrifying, and sad all at the same time. If there was ever an argument against the public school system in this country, it’s this show.

The saboteur comes on the screen to give a clue or something. Two of the HGs are lifelong friends! Sheriff Mascara looks skerd. The end of the clue is that it’s easy to figure out. Britney and Monet, cuz they’re both from towns where parents give their children really stupid names. People start guessing who the liars are. Tevya’s theory is my fave: Matt and Ragan are in a gay relationship. That’s just blindingly gross enough to consider. Tev gets super paranoid, stands up and kinda shouts that there’s no way he’s the saboteur because no one knows anything about Judaism. HAHAHAH. This guy’s hilarious. The HGs laugh at him openly and say they don’t buy it, and he’s not helping his cause by shifting back and forth and talking so fast and looking so goddamned freaked out. Dumbass. Pussy leaves saying that the saboteurs game is “caca”. HA.

Hayden mentions that Sheriff and Britney could be mom and daughter, which actually makes sense to me. I have no clue. I think Pussy’s the saboteur, but that’s all I know for now. Without really knowing of course. Time for noms!! Boob City doesn’t try to get him to take her off, and he doesn’t. Hayden replaces Brendon with….Annie. She smiles and says she knew it would happen. I couldn’t get the rest of it, but I think she said “lies..evil whims. Britney!” Hey, Britney warned you what are you pissed at her for?

Hayden might be right…

Annie tells us she’s pissed and blames Britney. She is convinced that she’s not gonna leave. Britney says she’s sick of that stupid skank and everyone knows Annie is looney, leaving Britney “off scotch free.” Well, glad you’re sober.

Who will be the first person out? I’m thinking Annie’s gonna dig her own grave on this one by losing her shit. So far I’m enjoying the season. How bout you? Thanks for being here. Sound off below.

Flipit: Sitting here staring at the TV. I am watching some weird doctor show while I wait. Everyone’s wahing about insurance.

Schoonie: I’m watching Access Hollywood, and they are talking about Emmy nominations. If both Bryan Cranston and Aaron Paul don’t win, I’m going to start clotheslining Emmy voters!

Flipit: EW. This is that Jada Pinkett Smith show. That family needs to be stopped.

Taking over Hollywood, one crappy project at a time.

Schoonie: SO EXCITED

Flipit: ME TOO!!! It’s not right for LoLo to not be here tonight. We’re supposed to be a threesome!

Schoonie: Is it possible that this will be our fourth summer together? INDEED

Flipit: That’s crazy. Ah, the memories! I wish Amber could be on this year. I miss her crypraying.

Schoonie: Whatever, I’m sure she has a very successful modeling career right now.

Flipit: Doing ads for Kleenex with crucifix patterns on it. America’s Next Top Crypray Model.

Schoonie: I mean, I haven’t opened a Laura Ashley catalog recently, but I’m pretty sure she’d be in there

Flipit: I forgot about her “I should be a model” thing. You know, smoking weed is good cuz you can relive fun memories over and over like it’s the first time.

(weird pause.)

Flipit: I have missed you. There I said it. Then I coughed and adjusted my balls.

Schoonie: Awwwwwww. You too…our alliance is unbreakable, no matter who is HoH.

Flipit: Holler! When is this damn show gonna start already! Hey there’s a robot commercial on tv right now. Did they do that on purpose?

Schoonie: HERE IT IS!

Flipit: WOAH! MAMABOT!

Schoonie: OMG her suit is RED

Flipit: She looks amazing with a little meat on her bones! I feel so much better out my body issues right now. Babies: the great equalizer.

Schoonie: It’s kind of weird that she’s no longer pregnant.

Flipit: The bot with some calories in her oil can. This is gonna be a super famous season.

The bot welcomes us to the 12th season of BB in her usual charming, adorably stilted way. Let’s take a look at the house!

The Golden Girls: 2030

Flipit: Tonight: Lots of neon and lit walls.

Schoonie: The house is mad neon.

Flipit: This house blows. Did you see the UK house? Ours barely got a paint job and a few chain wall treatments.

Flipit: A stripper would call this house tacky.

The bot comes back on to tell us how the game is gonna be played this season. Mostly like every other season.

Will this be the year that someone realizes this isn’t checkers?

Flipit: The Margaret Chobot

Schoonie: Oh I get it, every Asian lady is Margaret Cho. RACIST.

Flipit: It was fattist too. Racist and fattist in one sentence cancel each other out.

Schoonie: What’s with the asymmetrical blouse?

Flipit: It’s designed to let her whip out one boob for baby gas fill ups at a moment’s notice.

Julie tells us that this season, there is a secret saboteur.

Flipit: The saboteur’s no secret. Her name is GRODNER

The twist is that I will hand Evel Dick another win! Just for fuuuuuun!

Let’s meet some of the cast as they find their keys to the BB house!

Schoonie: I love that these people are “randomly” finding their keys in interesting places.

He’s smart to wear gloves. You never know where that key’s been.

Like I said. Gloves.

The chemist finds her key in a drawer full of urine samples. Nice.

Flipit: “I pray while I doctor people.” Dude, pray on your own time. I’m paying for this visit! There is such a thing as too much God. Just prescribe my Oxy and let’s both get on with our lives.

Who’s Jake?

Hayden tells us how the ladies love his hotness.

Schoonie: Seriously, Hayden?

Flipit: I can’t wait til he’s old and saggy. He’s gonna be so…lost.

Schoonie: Wow, her boobs are INSANELY scary

Flipit: I’m just a dumb girl with big boobs. Tehee!! What would Big Brother be without the sad stupid stripper? It’s like having a season of Project Runway without the overly flaming guy who tries to put his mark on urban lingo by repeating nonsense words over and over again.

RIIIGHT. You know that’s mouthwash.

Cuz mace is for pussies.

You’re under arrest. For wearing too much eyeliner.

Flipit: The sheriff is scaring me. The way she pokes so many layers onto her eyes that obsessively with an eyeliner pencil shows that she’s fearless and most likely pathological.

Self Described Genius…

Flipit: I’m a genius…with a neon plastic guitar.

Annie tells us she’s a bisexual and she’s totes gonna win cuz she can play both sexes.

That key will break out in sores by the end of the week.

Flipit: Both men and women know that bisexuals are sex addicts that can’t take sides. Never trust a bisexual! If anyone here has a brain she will be kicked out first.

Schoonie: Lane found his key in the anus of that horse.

Flipit: Well, he’s alone on a farm all day. There were no drawers to open.

Behind me is a drawing of a boobie. If you see one, RUN!

Flipit: Ugh. Gay guy with bow tie. Why? WHY?

Schoonie: I KNOW. As Pageant Talk would say,…

that is THE WORST.

Flipit: He has a PHD in communication studies. Then let me communicate this: stfu,k?

Schoonie: “Back Stabbing” is one word, genius. Nice PHD. Hi Kristen! You are amazingly hot.

The Jewish guy comes on and talks about being Jewish some more.

Schoonie: I seriously am already tired of Andrew talking about his religion.

Flipit: “Respect my religion!” I respect that you work out and make a doctor’s salary and have found a way to disguise your bald spot. Isn’t that enough?

Yamaka or bald spot hider?

Schoonie: And Enzo, WE KNOW you’re Italian

Flipit: That guy’s got a fake ass accent. Pizza piea tossa dougha mama mia Lugi Mario! SHUT UP. A couple of bowl haircuts. Just pointing it out cuz it’s important to take a stand against these before everyone is doing it.

Not ok.

Schoonie: Hey, at least Lane the cowboy knows he’s not a thinker.

Flipit: His strategy is to just be big and wait for a horse to come along that he can excavate for a prize.

Ragan tells us his strategy: he’s gonna become friends with the hot guy and then make him love him.



Flipit: You know what? I am offended that every time there’s a gay guy he’s super annoying right off the bat. That guy looks like Kentucky Fried Gay.

Time to check out the house!

Schoonie: What’s with the flowers in the studio?

Congrats on the fake baby! Here’s a bunch of fake flowers!

Flipit: I wonder if the chemist shows up like that to work?

Schoonie: I don’t think Rachel owns pants. Which is fine. But is definitely not safe in the chemistry lab when there’s a spill.

Flipit: She’s probably got tiny burn scars all over her legs up to right below her girl part. I can’t stop looking at them. That girl looks like she could feed an orphanage.

Schoonie: Like, with milk? Please.

Flipit: Babies fed on saline become really smart. And their contacts are always moist.

Schoonie: There are A LOT of fake boobs.

Flipit: On both the men and women

Schoonie: Like, more than normal. Which is saying a lot.

Flipit: And….homeless woman scarf. Glad you dropped the stereotype and went straight for another stereotype.

Schoonie: He definitely yelled “Mazel Tov”. Seriously, be Jew-ier

Flipit: He’s like “Sunrise Sunset!”

Schoonie: Just buy a fiddle, climb up on the roof, and call it a day.

Flipit: If I were a rich man why I’d ladedadeda, mkay? Chen: The two girls who scream like idiots the loudest will be be let in first.

Winners!

Over it.

Flipit: Love the gay girl!!

Schoonie: That’s because she reminds us of Laura. Who was awesome

Flipit: That guy works out and looks great from the neck down. Unfortunately, you can’t work out your face.

Schoonie: Dude, I was about to call him a butterface.

Flipit: WE HAVE THE SAME TASTE

The houseguests sit around the living room and get to know each other.

Flipit: Kristin links all of her words together into one big slightly drunk chain.

Schoonie: Kristen is SUPER HOT, sorry. She is my Jessie.

Flipit: Not as pretty as Jessie, but yes. Pretty. She just needs to, like, pause, between, words. Occasionally.

Schoonie: Rachel has too much makeup.

Flipit: She has too much everything.

Inna da Joisy datsa what we coal Boob City.

Schoonie: We are calling her that.

Flipit: Boob City. Done.

Flipit: Uhoh. Tiny booby Monet hates Boob City! “She has giant boobs, but I have loving cats!!” SHOCKER! Let me guess, you have a season pass to “Army Wives”, too.

Schoonie: That does not bode well for her strategically.

Flipit: For who? Boob City or Tiny Jealous Boob girl?

Ragan talks about forming an alliance with the hot guy.

Schoonie: Okay, Ragan is dead to me

Flipit: Of course you want to form an alliance with the hot one. He’s so getting used.

mytypefursuuuuureehahaomglolhairtwiddleslurrrr

Flipit: What is this girl even saying? She needs to talk…better.

Jewish Guy talks about…being Jewish some more. He’ll cop to that cuz he wants to keep his bald spot hider, but he’ll tell people he’s a shoe salesman instead of a podiatrist. so they don’t resent his money. Brilliant!

Schoonie: “Yom Kippur”. That’s exactly what it’s called. Smart move hiding the doctor thing, though. Until he tells someone next week and it becomes public knowledge.

Flipit: “They’ll feel sorry for me if they think I’m poor.” HAHAH! Pity the poor Jewish guy. Totally worked though. Look at the sheriff’s face!

Poor Jewish guy! How does that even happen?

Schoonie: Britney: also hot.

Flipit: I like when you said “if you mentally picture a girl named Britney that’s exactly what she’d look like.” So true.

That ring totally means she won’t be making out with a half naked guy in the hot tub by week four, right? RIGHT?

Schoonie: They did a good job with the girls this year.

Flipit: Joisy is threatened by the Deputy Sheriff. I’m from New Joisey YOU GUYS! GETDDIT!

Schoonie: I have a theory that states “Never Trust A Dude Wearing A Justin Timberlake Hat”.

Flipit: Totally. Or mandanas. Or jorts. Or fauxhawks.

I don’t care how gay you are. Get a collar.

Flipit: There is no way that Kentucky Fried Gay’s real name is Ragan. He’s just trying to sound less Republican. I wish I could follow him around and whisper “tear down this wall!” in his ear tauntingly.

Whattup wid da Joisy dude tawkin like a goddam dumbass, eha?

Schoonie: Annie? Love her.

Flipit: Me too she’s gonna be fun times. She seems to be the first HG in a long time who truly gets how fucking stupid this all is.

Britney says that she has found her soulmate in Ragan because he’s a raging homo and “those are my people.”



Flipit: A faghag romance!! This is so sweet. And it’s not gonna end well. He’s gonna screw her over for the hot guy. You watch.

Schoonie: Wow…lots of gay stereotyping early, even for this show. Britney LIVES IN CHICAGO! Oh man, freaking call me, girl.

Annie tells us about herself. She has a dog named Cubby Bears.



Flipit: No bisexual names their dog after TWO sports teams. Honey, you’re a lesbian. It’s ok. Baby steps.

Schoonie: Just…name the dog after two things you love. “My dog’s name is Jersey Shore Big Brother.”

Flipit: She says she doesn’t wanna come out of the closet to the hg’s, but she just did with her butch dog name. I know the feeling though. My dog’s name is Xena. That’s pretty gay. I hope no one can tell.

Schoonie: “My dog’s name is Intercourse Fellatio.”

Flipit: Marlboro M&Ms.

Schoonie: Marlboro PRETZEL M&M’s. Seriously, have you had those things? It’s like eating little pieces of an angel.

Flipit: YES! I had one the other day and didn’t know it had a pretzel in it. I got the salt and thought wow a stray salty nut made it in there. But then I crunched it and my tongue took a second. And then I was in love. What were we talking about?

Schoonie: Annie’s definitely an early favorite.

Flipit: Yeah I am on team Annie too. And I like the Deputy Sheriff. Because I respect the pain she inflicts on her eyes just to look crazier.

Commercials

Schoonie: That fat people sitcom looks THE WORST

Flipit: Oh I haven’t seen that. Wait, Huge? About the fat kids?

Schoonie: From the people who brought you Jokes About Dorks, it’s Jokes About Fat People! Mike & Molly

Flipit: Wow. Fat people are on everything these days. Fat people are the new People from Jersey.

I’m fat!





Me too!

Let’s take a nap!

I was hoping you’d say that!

Julie talks about the saboteur list. The hgs are SHOCKED that there is a secret something other.

Schoonie: Like these people know what the word “Saboteur” means.

Flipit: Everyone’s too embarrassed to ask for a definition. They think they get to watch an Abba Tour.

The saboteur can sabotage an individual, a group, or everyone. They just have to get to the halfway point and then they get $50,000.

Flipit: Joisy just found a reason to say the word harangue. Wow. Good for him. I never would have seen that coming.

Schoonie: Damn, 50k to make it five weeks? Pretty good. I’d take that

Flipit: Are they allowed to win the game, too?

Schoonie: I love how cheesy this twist is. Like that thing with the twins switching out a long time ago.

Flipit: There’s never been a twin story in our culture that hasn’t worked. The Parent Trap, the dueling Marlenas on Days of Our Lives, Big Business…

Schoonie: That season with the twins was awesome. How is this twist any different from normal, with the whole house trying to screw you over anyway?

Flipit: Full House…wait. Those were twins playing the same girl. So this is like America’s player? Will this person have duties and stuff?

Schoonie: It’s pretty much America’s Player.

Flipit: America’s Eyebrows Part Two.

Schoonie: Except I’m hoping the stuff they have to do is even more lame.

Flipit: America! It’s time to vote! Do you want the saboteur to a. rub his belly and pat his head at the dinner table? b. twirl his or her hair while whistling Jesus Loves Me or c. wipe a boogar under their bed? Calls are only 9.99!

Flipit: We get to meet the saboteur!

Flipit: Jeeze the sabotuer has demon voice. “I have kidnapped your baby and will feed it to Satan if you don’t give me eight million dollaaaaas RAAAR!”

Schoonie: The saboteur is Kristen…calling it.

Flipit: I think it’s the Italian. That guy’s a cartoon. He has to be acting. They all just keep oohing and aahhing and looking confused.

Schoonie: I love how these people have no real idea how the saboteur thing works or anything.

Flipit: They’re gonna start flipping through the Bible to see if there a definition in there.

Commercials. And we’re back.

Flipit: That sheriff is working really hard to be soft.

I don’t handcuff people and throw them down on the ground! I’m just a girl y’all!

I wonder how my grass is doing.

Flipit; Has that giant guy said anything?

Schoonie: I don’t think so. He doesn’t talk.

Flipit: That’s hot.

The bot asks for someone to volunteer to be a mascot for the HOH comp. And…The Jewish guy volunteers. He gets to dress like a…giant hot dog.

Schoonie: Why did he raise his hand so quickly?

Joisy says the whole thing is fishy.

Flipit: Everything is gonna be fishy to that guy. He just said “Arose” a red flag. He did that on purpose. That guy’s a fake.

Schoonie: Are hot dogs kosher? And…someone made the joke.

Flipit: Tevya is betraying his religion for BB already.

God can’t be happy right now.

Schoonie: I’m not sure it sets the right tone to be in a wiener costume on day 1. Andrew’s safe from the first eviction, which makes me think he might be the saboteur.

Flipit: It makes me think he’s been secretly dreaming of the chance to cover himself in wiener.

Schoonie: However, would they really make the token Jew the saboteur? That’s racist, even for this show.

Flipit: Well, they do own everything. The goal in this HOH comp seems to be to splurt ketchup all over each other in very little clothing. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Schoonie: Ooh, the LAST person to cross gets to be HOH! Interesting.

Flipit: Wouldn’t that be awesome if those coals were lit?

Flipit: Man Julie is taking a long ass time explaining this game. How hard can it be? Look at this cast. I really wish there were a couple of old people here. Renny can you hear me? Probably not, but that’s why I love you. She’s probably watching this at home wearing a turban, martini in hand, muttering about how pictures got small.

Schoonie: Miss her. That season was AWESOME.

Julie explains that they have to ride the wieners across the coals. Or something.

Schoonie: What, no obvious wiener jokes? You’re disappointing me.

Flipit: I zoned out. I hate instructions. I’m sure the game is all very intricate and stuff but Jesus she’s been explaining this shit for five minutes. Who showed their wiener?

Schoonie: Oooh. They have to take a shot to the face. Of catsup.

The winner gets $10,000.

Flipit: Look how the Jewish guy reacted to the words “ten thousand dollars”. This show is so wrong.

That coulda bought me lots of coupon books.

Schoonie: Brittney said “blasted the wieners”

Flipit: What the hell is Kristen trying to say now?

ihadnoideawhatthestradegyisuoranythiiingslurrr

Schoonie: I love that they clearly ordered these people to refer to them as “wieners” and not “hot dogs”

Flipit: Day one: all dignity lost. The sound effects are so gross. Slimy skin slapping up on those things. That girl farted on the giant wiener. Her mom just turned away from the TV, crying really hard.

Flipit: Kentucky Fried Gay flew right over. Well, in all fairness, he’s had lots of practice.

And…bottom. Unmystery solved.

Britney falls.

Schoonie: Man, she took a SPILL

Flipit: Oh no they’ve already paralyzed someone. She was too pretty to live for long. The naturally pretty girls always have trouble with fully attacking wieners.

Schoonie: How do you know?

Flipit: I am friends with them all! Trust me I know more than I want to. Boob City’s shorts were so far up her vagina that they had to fade it out! LOL!

One good tug should do it. Or you could wear underwear.

Schoonie: That’s kind of how this show works

Flipit: Just thought I’d point that out. I think that was the first blurred out vag shot of the season. How big is your flower when it has to be blurred? Do something with that thing. Like…tuck it or something.

Schoonie: Like some type of origami? Not really how it works.

Flipit: Some girls have floppy ones.

Schoonie: If I affirm that, it will be on the internet.

Schoonie: If I deny that, it will be on the internet.

Flipit: It is already affirmed all over the internet! I’ve seen plenty of floppy ones. Yay internet!

Britney falls. AGAIN.

The doctor is frozen and won’t help for fear of giving himself away.

Flipit: I can’t blow my cover by saving her life!! What kind of honorable Jew would I be if I played that Good Samaritan bs? She probably faked it.

Schoonie: “I’ll sabotage this competition by shattering my patella!” I think we can safely rule Britney out as the saboteur.

Flipit: I am googling patella right now. It sounds like a delicious grain.

When we come back from break, Britney is still wahhing about falling. Everyone watches on as a “medic” comes to help.

Flipit: Oh good Lord.

Schoonie: There’s a medic already? This show is not Survivor.

Flipit: How come everyone’s just standing around watching her? The medic looks like a worker in the marijuana industry.

Britney says she’s embarrassed about the whole falling off a wiener thing.

Schoonie: Who hasn’t lost their dignity on a slippery wiener?

Flipit: Cheers to that.

Chen asks Brits if it’s ok that she sits this one out and stays safe.

Schoonie: I think her cheering is evidence that she’s fine with it, Chen. She is clearly happy about not continuing.

Flipit: How can you not wanna give her a free pass? Poor thing. She looks like the girl on the Les Miserables posters right now.

Schoonie: Aaaaand first super gay musical reference of the season.

Flipit: I know I’m a stereotype too ok sorry. But really. She does.

See?

More Itialiano talka talka from Joisey.

Flipit: That guy’s faking it. I’m telling you.

Schoonie: I feel like I’ve been watching this competition for eight hours

Flipit: This is very intense. I have no idea what’s going on.

Sheriff Mascara lands on her face.

Flipit: That girl fell flat on her face! How come she doesn’t get to sit out!

Schoonie: She’s a cop, so she’s probably sturdier.

Flipit: Her face still looks the same as before the fall. That’s…sad.

The buff butterface guy wins!!

Schoonie: So the big dumb guy is the first HOH. That’s NOT AT ALL LIKE LAST YEAR

Flipit: Gee now I wonder if he’ll get all power crazed and arrogant and piss everyone off so they get rid of him before the halfway point?

Schoonie: Julie is rocking that Sarah Palin suit.

Flipit: She’s on the red team! Way to be a neutral host, bot! She’s like thanks for watching I need a couple of minutes to whip my boob out with my specially tailored trap door blouse and recharge the brat. So who’s the saboteur? I’ve said it thirty times and I’ll say it again. The Italian guy. He’s balding. They’ll pin it all on the balding guy.

Schoonie: RACIST.

Flipit: Baldist.

Schoonie: I’m just going to call you a racist this season, no matter what you say. It’s my new thing.

Flipit: The word racist is losing it’s power in our time. That’s a totally common way to end an argument about anything these days.

Schoonie: It’s like calling someone Hitler.

Flipit: How do you even fight that accusation, other than not hunting Jewish people to build up a decent track record?

Schoonie: America, dial in and tell us who you want the saboteur to execute!

The lights go off!

Flipit: Power outage! Let me guess, Joisy thinks this is…

Yo dat’s FISHY.

Flipit: There it is.

Schoonie: Brendon just went to bed. That’s pretty great. “It’s dark, better sleep!” He’s like one of those animals who goes to sleep when you cover the cage with a blanket.

Flipit: Like a little bird.

Schoonie: WHO DID IT? Yawn.

Lights come back on.

Flipit: Brendan: I went to brush my teeth. LOL. What a moron. “The lights went out so I decided it would be the perfect time to do a jigsaw puzzle or read a book.”

Whoever turned out the lights has put a lock on the pantry door.

Flipit: You will starve until you start eating each other. Now that’s a twist.

Schoonie: Britney: “They must have done that when it was dark.” Nice assumption, idiot.

Flipit: Ooooh it’s so scary! That lock is tiny. Just hit it with a heel. I think it’s the gay guy. He looks super guilty.

Wadn’t me.

Schoonie: They can’t make it the gay guy just like they can’t make it the Jewish guy.

Flipit: Nuhuh. You’re still allowed to disparage gay people. Just watch any of RuPaul’s shows.

Schoonie: It’s going to be someone white and plain.

Flipit: That could be any one of these people. Even the black girl is white and plain.

Schoonie: And….done! Dundunduuuuhn!

Flipit: I can’t believe it’s already over. There’s enough bad English and bowl cuts to keep me interested at least half the season. So glad this show is back. Had fun with you Schoon!!

Schoonie: Racist.

Come back Monday for a regular recap from Schoonie, followed by LoLo and Flipit. Thanks for being with us this season! Also, check out Chooch’s live feed coverage in the forums.

MONET STUNSON, 24

Model, Glen Carbon, Ill.

LoLo: Self-described as “the coolest person you will ever meet”, this 1st Runner Up Miss Illinois USA 2008 (losing out to what I’m pretty sure is a transvestite) says that a one-episode walk-on role on the Young and the Restless is the accomplishment of which she is the most proud. If I were her, I’d be most proud of persevering with that awful name her parents burdened her with. Ten bucks she breaks into hives whenever anyone mentions “Clueless.” She hates “ditsy, stupid girls” and “trashy bimbos”, so the Big Brother house clearly is a good place for her to spend her summer. Watch for this one to stir up drama as she angles for a television career now that her ass is getting too old for suburban K-Mart fashion shows.

Schoonie: Monet grew up wealthy and still lives at home with her parents. Her greatest accomplishment is that her driver’s license photo is really good. Reach for the stars, y’all! She also says that “Big Brother has had too many trashy bimbos on the show.” That’s kind of the point of Big Brother, Monet. We’re don’t tune into CBS three times a week to see a wine and cheese tasting.

Flipit: Only black cast member. WTF? She’s gorgeous, she has a nice smile, and her name is Monet which means she has parents that think waaaay too much of themselves. She should be a snotty biatch. Love her already. I hope there’s a Picasso here to give her a run for her money. Or a Warhol. That would be a dirty fight.

BRENDON VILLEGAS, 30

High school swim coach, Riverside, Calif.

Flipit: Um, kinda gorgeous and he swims so I’m all for him. Possibly losing his hair, which makes him insecure. Insecurity=attainability. LOVE. I predict I will love him no matter what cuz he’s a piece of meat and Schoonie will hate him no matter what for the same reasons. LoLo is a tossup, but I’m thinking she will feel the love by episode three.

Schoonie: Brendon looks just like every other person who’s ever been on reality TV. His strategy is to get all the girls to like him and then turn them against each other. That’s worked so well in the past, you know? Great way to get the audience on your side.

LoLo: Brenden considers himself “fun”, “driven”, and “intelligible”, which is awesome because I tend to prefer the HGs to be capable of speaking understandable English. I also tend to prefer them stupid as shit, which means I think I’m going to like Brenden. Thank god he’s not “intelligent.” By the way, I hope the admissions counselor at UCLA who allegedly offered this genius a full ride for his PhD in Biomedical Physics is eating a gun right now.

ENZO PALUMBO, 32

Insurance adjuster, Bayonne, N.J.

LoLo: Ew. Ew. Okay, try to think of something else about this guy… Ew. Nope, can’t do it.

Schoonie: Enzo is what happens to The Situation in twenty years. His bio is highly informative, too. Here is an excerpt:

Strategy for winning Big Brother: Winning

Well, shit. I wish I had thought of that.

Flipit: I really like Columbo, so I hope the two letter difference isn’t a huge departure here. I also love Beyonce, and Enzo is from Bayonne. He’s a couple of letters away from me liking everything about him. Which means I will probably hate him. He looks like an old version of Joey Lawrence. And I like Florence Henderson so I can’t make a prediction on this one.

ANDREW GORDON, 39

Podiatrist, Miami Beach, Fla.

LoLo: This one reminds me of Zach from BB8 — huge dork with a bit of a crazy gleam in his eye that makes you wonder if he’s going to stab you in your sleep. He’ll definitely sit there and stare at you, perhaps while wearing that orange tent to hide his boner. His plan is to combine Kaysar’s stupidity, Will’s manipulativeness, Chicken George’s uselessness and Russell’s (Survivor) misogynistic megalomania — while telling other HGs how much he enjoys going to Toys R Us. Congratulations on planning to be the worst HG ever. He will either make it far by not being worth wasting an eviction on (see Zach), or go out early for creeping all the girls out by repeatedly informing them that he’s a “cute, tall, Jewish, single, doctor, father” and then staring intently at their breasts.

Schoonie: Andrew is a podiatrist, which means that he spends his entire day touching things that gross me out. That’s pretty much all this show is anyway, so I’m sure he’ll do well. When asked what he’ll miss the most about the outside world, Andrew’s answered the following: “Not seeing my daughter is always hard, but the most difficult part of living inside the Big Brother house will be not watching ESPN daily.” Yep, you heard it correctly: ESPN > This Guy’s Daughter. Better save the half mil for therapy, Feet Guy.

Flipit: I was just about to make fun of his hair when I remembered reading somewhere that there is an Orthodox Jew this season. Is that a yummycaca thing? Dunno. But I will take this opportunity to say right up front that I’m totally offended Orthodox Jews get so much time off. Do you know if you’re Orthodox you don’t have to work after sundown or some crap like that? NO FAIR!! It’s like Mexicans and their siestas. I am a jealous person. I want to be an Orthodox Jew Mexican in my next life. Naps and no work after sundown. I predict Andrew will be booted after refusing to perform in a night time challenge.

ANNIE WHITTINGTON, 27

Bartender, Tampa, Fla.

Flipit: Pretty girl, but I’m guessing everyone is pretty this year. How is anyone gonna concentrate? I will tell you one thing, I’ve been in the service industry since I was thirteen, and there’s something sinister and bitter that starts happening to a server/bartender’s brain at around 25. You start losing your hair and having nightmares about your dreams being squashed by children with better skin than yours. Therefore, I predict Annie will be a bitter, defensive, villainous bitch. Love her already.

LoLo: Annie is the disappointment of her family, and she knows it. Her brother’s an attorney, her sister’s a CPA, and she’s a bartender who is admittedly overly dramatic, has a life that is “so weird” with “the worst luck”, and is afraid of “getting older” as her questionable looks fade and the cellulite accumulates. So instead of going out there and getting, I don’t know, a real job, Annie’s decided to make her family proud by going on national television and dressing up like a chicken or whatever ridiculous shit they have to go through this year. Not to mention, banging a lot of dudes to feel better about herself. And I mean, a lot of dudes.

Schoonie: Annie lives in Tampa, Florida, which means that she’s probably a stripper. Seriously, roughly seventy-five percent of Tampa residents are strippers. Look that shit up, it’s in the census or something, not even kidding. She mentions that she’d hate to be trapped in a house with racists, and since Big Brother might as well be renamed The Let’s Yell Racial Slurs Hour with Julie Chen, she’s probably made a poor choice.

BRITNEY HAYNES, 22

Hotel sales manager, Huntington, Ariz.

LoLo: At first I thought Britney — a pretty, young, southern blonde — was cast to be this year’s Jordan, but Britney’s bio is all about being a fake bitch. Now that’s something I can get behind. Her plan is to pretend to be nice and pretend to laugh at people’s jokes, while really resisting her favorite pastime of arguing and hiding how grossed out she is by the “old people.”

Flipit: UGH. Big Brother, Janelle has already been on this show. Stop trying to recreate the magic! This girl is busty, pretty, and a real blondie. On top of all that, her name is BRITNEY. I predict she will marry a loser and then become a fat drug addict and show her cooter to the paparazzi while getting out of cars. Then she will sober up kinda and release more terrible music and people will call it a glorious comeback even if she still can’t sing. And does she sell hotels, or does she sell stuff in a hotel? There’s a big difference. I’m calling it, this girl will cry first.

Schoonie: Britney looks just like you’d imagine. What I mean is that if someone asked you to draw a picture of a person named Britney, you would draw exactly this. Britney says that she would hate to live in a house with old people, so she probably has a pathological fear of jean shorts. Britney’s also afraid of birds, so expect a hilarious montage at some point.

L

KATHY HILLIS, 40

Deputy Sheriff-Sergeant, Texarkana, Ark

LoLo: ACK, Jesus, could we have less of a close-up here? Like, back it on up by a couple yards at least. Sergeant Kathy looks like she’s holding in a shart in this photo, and can someone please arrest her for what appears to be applying mascara under the influence? Haha. Cop jokes. Better buckle up — they’re gonna be lame all season long, folks. And on top of this, Kathy is a cancer survivor and talks about chemo in her bio. What the FUCK am I supposed to do with that? What a selfish bitch. Let us all hope she gets evicted early.

Flipit; The oldest member is 40? Come on!! I was hoping for some angry old man action this year. That said, Kathy is a Deputy Sheriff Sergeant in Arkansas. I’m afraid of her. I hid my weed already. She looks like she’s dressed as Britney for Halloween, so I predict she will be all jealous and evil.

Schoonie: Kathy is the token middle aged woman this season, save for one notable exception: she is a policeman who admits that she likes to street race in her patrol car. Yeah, I wouldn’t count on having a job at the end of the summer. She should probably play it safe and arrest all the other contestants now. Keeps the Oxycontin off of our streets, you know?

RACHEL REILLY, 26

Chemistry graduate student, Las Vegas, Nev.

Flipit: That this girl didn’t have “phone sex operator” under her name floored me. Chemistry grad student? I don’t know what to say about that. She can’t even mix hair coloring properly. I predict she will poison someone in her lifetime or on this season. Possibly accidentally.

LoLo: I’m seriously scared to see what this woman looks like without those 30 pounds of makeup. I’m assuming less like Celebrity Apprentice 3 contestant Maria Kanellis and more like Celebrity Apprentice 3 contestant Goldberg. As for her strategy, she plans to suck a lot of cock. No seriously, how else are we supposed to interpret this: “I would hustle like I do at work when I get men to buy me champagne. ”

Rachel: Rachel has badly dyed hair and is one of those girls who looks 40 but is really only 26. She’s a “Chemistry Grad Student/VIP Cocktail Waitress”, which in Big Brother Speak means she works at Les Deux by night and endures fifteen to twenty minutes of rigorous online course work at the University of Phoenix by day. Her favorite houseguest is Laura from last year, though, so she just might turn out to be awesome.

RAGAN FOX, 34

College professor, West Hollywood, Calif.

Schoonie: Ragan is this year’s Big Brother Homosexual, which means that he has to be cartoonishly gay at all times; this season’s permutation apparently requires the wearing of a bow tie. He lists his favorite castmember as Janelle “because what you saw is what you got”. Yes yes y’all, Janelle keeps it real, from her naturally grown hair right down to her genetically inherited breasts. He also mentions that there’s nothing a good fart joke can’t cure, so I’m sure we’ll be getting a lot of fresh, modern humor out of him this summer.

Flipit: I just moved to West Hollywood! HOLLER! I hope that I run into this guy at Whole Foods so I can make fun of his ties. You know he has like twenty of these in different colors and patterns. Who the hell’s name is Ragan? I’ll bet his name was Reagan and he changed it so the gays in WeHo wouldn’t snicker every time he introduced himself. Wuss!! I predict Ragan will be annoying and take his shirt off too much even though no one wants him to.

LoLo: Wow. I hope this whole black jeans/bowtie/love of performance poetry thing is just a shtick to get him cast on this show. Otherwise, we’re going to have some major hating going on. Ragan seems a LOT like Ronnie, whom I despised. His bio shows he’s a student of the game, with plans to float early while forming a secret alliance, and then glomming on to some big targets that’ll be evicted before he will be when forced to pick a side. He also has the tendency to hold a grudge. Maybe he and Monet can bond on how much their parents must have hated them both from birth.

MATT HOFFMAN, 32

Web designer, Elgin, Ill.

Schoonie: Matt lists “annoying people for my own amusement” as one of his hobbies, which means that I like him immediately. However, he also has a bunch of tattoos and tries way too hard to seem like a badass, so he’s back to even.

LoLo: I officially declare Matt my HG crush. Cute and capable of filling out a CBS bio without coming off like a total idiot, creep or loser. Standards, they be low, but they be there! (See also — all my ex-boyfriends.) His favorite players are Will and Dan, both of whom were awesome. If Matt plays the game slightly like either one of them, I’m definitely going to be rooting for him.

Flipit: This guy looks like a gallon of vanilla frozen yogurt. I predict we will be seeing lots of gums. Oh and he will totally get played by a hot girl and kicked out by week 6.

KRISTEN BITTING, 24

Boutique manager, Philadelphia, Pa

LoLo: Here’s this season’s wackjob. Kristen is into meditating and says that she’s very misunderstood” which is always code for “batshit crazy chick who weirds out everyone else.” She doesn’t like “cookie cutters” and “average joes” (read: sane people), and describes herself as a “quiet storm” (read: passive aggressive psychopath). I don’t see her sticking around too long.

Schoonie: Kristen is extremely hot and describes her occupation as “boutique manager”, which means that she works in the undergarments section at Target. Her shirt is definitely from the Mossimo collection, anyway.

Flipit: This girl is trying so hard to push her boobs out that she’s given herself armpit vagina. I predict that she will be an insecure mess and guys will keep hitting on her armpit.

LANE ELENBURG, 24

Oil rig salesman, Decatur, Tex.

Schoonie: Lane looks like every other Texan who’s been showing up on reality TV lately. I’m willing to bet that he’s going to say a bunch of redneck-y stuff and generally bore me. Also, where’d that shirt come from?

LoLo: Lane seems like a sweet southern boy who may be a bit on the slow side. He refuses to reveal his strategy (which you know is GTL with a little whoring mixed in), and says that his biggest fear is “electric fences.” How the hell often in your life do you come across electric fences? That’s like me saying I’m afraid of a wildebeest stampede like in The Lion King, while I live in downtown Chicago. Then again, he may surprise me and become a significant physical threat… maybe. Is that fat or muscle? Never a question you want someone to have to ask. At least it’s never one I have to be worried about getting asked. This, my friends, is clearly fat.

Flipit: Big Boy Alert!! Mister Dangerous, our lovely commenter, has already fallen in love. Works out too much, has George Clooney hair. All I see here is a teeny tiny penis. I’ll bet he drives a giant ass truck.

HAYDEN MOSS, 24

College student, Tempe, Ariz.

Flipit: This guy takes his photo opportunity to show off his biceps. I think that says enough. CoughJessiecough. The hair is way too much and he’s been in college for six years. He’s either brilliant and going for a major degree or he’s a dumbshit who keeps making his parents pay tens of thousands of dollars a year for school just so he can get a free gym membership. I’ll go with B.

LoLo: YUM. Hayden’s a 24 year old college student (…?) at Arizona State, and is into baseball, boozing and looking hot. He describes himself as “charming” and “not afraid of conflict.” This kid looks like a physical competition dominator, so we should probably enjoy the eye candy while we can before he gets evicted for being too big of a threat.

Schoonie: Hayden is going to buy you some Mike’s Hard Lemonade and take you to hang out with his bros. Hayden will play bags with you on your front lawn. Hayden will sign up for intermural sports. Hayden will major in business but minor in theatre. Hayden will pull out his acoustic guitar in order to woo you. Hayden will play one of the three songs he knows, all of which are by Jack Johnson. Hayden will bore you by the second week.

Big Brother starts Thursday, July 8 on CBS. Come to the gasm for next day recaps!

Give you a hint. This guy? Loses.

This has been the most fun we’ve had on Big Brother yet, and we couldn’t agree on who would get to recap the finale. So, to compromise, we are all doing it together! Let’s start off with…

Schoonie

Julie Chen is wearing…I don’t even know how to describe it. It is an Haute Couture Snuggie, possibly. It is the graduation robe for your small town’s alternative learning facility, the one where the pregnant girls go, where they can earn their GED without dealing with the judgmental eyes of their classmates.

The audience has (been provided) signs that cheer on people such as Russell. I mean, come on, we are supposed to believe that an audience member liked Russell so much that he or she took the time to decorate and prepare a sign in advance of tonight’s festivities? Yeah, go Russell, cast that vote!
Julie tells us that seventy-three days ago, the Big Brother houseguests entered the house. You guys, we have been watching this show for seventy-three days. Noting all the ways in which that is depressing would take almost as long as the previouslies segment.
We’re going to find out who wins later, BUT FIRST (sniff?) the houseguests are all lobbying to secure a spot in the final two. We flashback to Natalie’s bitchface from when she lost part two of the final HOH competition, which I could watch over and over and never tire of. To those of you that mentioned that Natalie was somehow trying to be terrible at all the competitions this season and that this constituted some sort of strategy, I submit to you this moment. Jordan tells us that she didn’t want to rub it in Natalie’s face, which is nice because Natalie hasn’t exactly been gracious in victory.
Kevin says that this situation is perfect for him, because it gives him a much better opportunity to get rid of Natalie. Natalie tells us that her only focus at this point is to work both of the other houseguests and get them to take her to the end. After the last live show, Natalie mopes in that stupid bed she’s been lying around in all season, which should be lit on fire immediately at the conclusion of this hour.

Burn it.

She whines that she thinks Kevin isn’t going to keep the deal. Here’s the exchange, roughly: Natalie: “I really hope that you’ve been loyal and faithful to me, Kevin, and will take me to the Final Two.” Kevin: (blank stare of utter disdain)

I think that about covers it.

Natalie gets called to diary room, and Kevin takes the opportunity to try and close the deal. Jordan tells him that it’s a bit scary, because she doesn’t think that Kevin will take her at all. He tells her that he’s “one thousand percent” sure that he’s going to take her to the end. Oh, Kevin, that will only confuse Jordan, bringing percentages into the deal. That’s like trying to teach your dog to read. Jordan tells us that she’s lying to Kevin, and she’s actually planning on taking Natalie to the end because Kevin’s won so many more competitions than her, and thus will look more favorable to the jury. Good for Jordan, even though her logic is a bit off. She’s unwittingly benefiting from the jury’s increasing hatred for Natalie.
Later, Kevin goes to take a nap in the backyard and Natalie tries to bond with Jordan. “I hope we stay friends after this, because you’re just like my girlfriends back at home,” Natalie says. That is bullshit for two reasons: 1)if that were true, you would have been hanging out with her the whole time, and 2)I’d like to meet these “girlfriends” of which you speak, because I bet they’re actually DUDES.

“You remind me of my girlfriends back home! Wait, where’s your Adam’s Apple?”

Apparently, Jordan really is planning on taking Natalie, because she spills everything Kevin has said right to her. She says her deal with Nat is genuine because it gives her a better opportunity than taking Kevin would. They also say that they’ll give their vote to the other person if they end up evicted. Yeah, can’t you see Natalie voting for Jordan over Kevin? I totally can. I bet she puts the key into the box with her nostrils.
In the backyard, Kevin and Natalie talk, and Kevin tells Natalie that he’s pretty sure he’d lose to either of them, which he doesn’t know is the exact opposite of the truth. Natalie tells Kevin that some people vote strategically and some vote personally, so it’s difficult to tell, and if he kicks her out she’s definitely gonna vote personally. As we all know, she totally would have voted strategically otherwise. Kevin tells her that he thinks he played better than anyone, which is true, and in response, Natalie does what Natalie does: “acting” like an immature teenager (in order to “fool” other people into thinking that she’s naïve) and telling Kevin that he’s full of shit. He’s obviously pretty convinced that he’s screwed, but she seems to think that it’s some sort of plea for attention or something, I don’t know. I’m just so tired of Natalie, you guys. After tonight, I can forget her forever! I’m going to Eternal Sunshine her right the fuck out of my brain, not even kidding.

Burn that one too.

Copyhacker

First off, thanks to Flipit and Schoonie for the opportunity to recap Big Brother with them this season. I may never get back the hours of lost sleep, but I had much fun doing it. Before Kanye grabs my keyboard to talk about how much better some other show is, on to the action. We’re back live with Summa Cum Chenbot and the first living-room Chenterview. There are extra bleachers to hold all the BB alums that showed up tonight. I’ve lost track of them all. Anyway, first question goes to Kevin.

Flipit, don’t say I never gave you anything.

And she would know.

If you’ve watched every episode and still showed up with that puppy dog look in your slightly crossed eyes, I have no pity for you SUCKA!

Almost a mayaaan!

Your head is hatching, bird brain.

What else could this face be saying?

If she had the Marylin Monroe fan under her right now, she’d break her head on the ceiling.

Schoonie

A scene from the Lanesburg Alternative High School production of Harry Potter

I’ll always remember this moment in time. Wait, what time is it?

RIP, Patrick Swayze’s hair. Too soon?

Last fug face of the season?

I have some theories.

Better get him a Pepto first.

Evict her!

STFU, Deep Throat.

OMG no one likes me. But…I’m ooorigionaaaaal. I have tattoos! And dyed hair! I’m spunky! Literally full of spunk! WAH!

She’s no Jenna Elfman, but still.

I can smell the Drakkar from here.

His face will be on salad dressing labels in no time. GET OFF MY LAAAWN!

And an implant upgrade, so she can stop doing this.

With special guest: the most desperate shlub in the world:

We open with a nose shout. Natalie is pleased as punch that Jeff is out, and tells us that she’s been waiting for the opportunity to get rid of him ever since he turned the tables on Jessie. She knows now that Jessie spooged all over her sweater after getting favors from Heather Mills’ nanny, and she’s still clinging on like the scrappy little idiot she is. I smell marriage! Nope. Just dried spooge. Do your laundry.
Jordon cries and says she wishes that she had gone home instead of Jeff cuz he would have done better than her and won this thing. Uh, he got kicked out so that means he lost, which technically means you are the better player, right? Right? I don’t get how people keep referring to the evictees as strong players. THEY’RE GONE!!
After Jeff leaves the house, the HGs stand around the picture wall and watch his commercial color headshot turn to the old musical theater black and white. So sad. Kevin says that if Jeff had approached him for a vote, he probably would have kept him. Jeff never approached him? WTF? If he was wise, he would have offered some glory hole action, or at the very least a lap dance. But he didn’t even ask. Who still thinks he’s a smart player?
Michelle knows she’s screwed, but she thinks it’s cuz she’s the strongest player in the game. I think it’s cuz everyone left is jealous of her hot husband. Blueback of Natalie winning HOH. This hurts more every time I see it. She jumps up and down and squeals about how not only did she win, she did it while being a good person!! Please excuse me while I use a cheese grater on my inner thigh. HATE. She says that it’s finally time to make a name for herself in the game. If she had internet access in the house, she would know by now that she’s already made plenty of names for herself: Ratalie, Bratalie, Gnatalie, and my personal favorite, Stupid Ho Face. Ok I added that one in there, but I scream it every time she comes on screen.
Speaking of screaming, why does she talk so goddamn loud? All she does is yell in that nasal voice with her choppy English and I wanna see her cry. As she celebrates and loops “I earned it!” over and over again, Kevin tells us what she’s also earned. A head roll, a finger snap, and a fug face montage. He says that she acts like she won an eight hour endurance challenge. I get why he’s over her stupid ass, but a win is a win. As the other HGs stare awkwardly at the grass and try not to cry, Natalie continues her jumping and nasal shouting and “I’m a good person” bs. She needs to put a sock in it. You can’t win BB if the other HGs kill you in your sleep. That would be the best. Twist. EVAH.
Natalie goes straight to the wall of pics to make her evil plans. Kevin isn’t acting like he’s very excited for her, but she doesn’t even notice. She promises that it’s them in the final two and Michelle needs to get out of the house next because there’s no way she wants to be stuck in the final three with someone who has an education, is physically strong, and who can speak entire sentences in proper English. Kevin’s like “ooooohkaaaaay.” Kevin’s moping. Having Natalie as your salvation isn’t as confidence inducing as it might seem from afar.
Jordan goes to lay down on a couch and cry. She doesn’t wanna scheme, she doesn’t wanna talk. She just wants to wipe boogars on herself. The music is sad and soft as she starts to make out with the bend in her arm. Meanwhile, Kevin and Natalie sit around and talk about how Jordan could have won that HOH competition. Then Natalie slips in “You have to go up.” Kevin looks like he’s about to have a gayxplosion.

Girl fierce oh no she didn’t disco pillow bite.

She says he has to go up to take away Jordan’s chance of winning the veto because “she CAN!” Grodner could come up with a Color In The Lines competition and Jordan wouldn’t win. Come on! He looks like he wants her dead as soon as possible, but she tells us that she is sincere about wanting to backdoor Michelle so that she can show the house that she isn’t aligned with Kevin. Hello. I think they are already aware that you’re aligned with Kevin. Whatever. This stupid plan gives her a chance to sit in the diary room and nasally shout at us. Yay. At one point, she gets so animated that her nostrils are flaring, her eyes are bugged, and her mouth is in o face. Five perfect circles. If ever there was a perfect opportunity for a game of ski ball, this is it.

Kevin is not happy about this turn of events, and says that in five minutes she’s turned into a power hungry monster, and he’ll “slap the biznetch.” Please. Please do. I need to be on someone’s side! Who wants to see Nat’s HOH room? No one? TOO BAD. First, we get a shot of her and her forty year old boyfriend.

No wonder she’s crawling up Jessie’s ass.

No one remarks on how creepy it is that she’s dating a guy who looks like he could be the retiring principal of her high school. And look! It’s a pic of kid Natalie! She looks exactly the same but in the pic she has glasses, and her mouth is shut.

I have to hand it to her, she really grew into that forehead.

Everyone kisses her butt a little and assures her that she doesn’t look like Ugly Betty in her school pic and then Jordan pipes up about her boyfriend looking so much older than her. LOL. Natalie ignores her and starts going on and on about the blanket she was given. It’s so special cuz it’s the first thing her boyfriend ever bought her! That is such an old man gift. It was probably between that and a Learn How to Use a Computer in Thirty Days DVD. It’s fitting that as Natalie takes control of the household, Los Angeles is burning like Hell.

The fires predicted this. We just didn’t listen.

The camera man is very sure to make sure that we know that Jordan’s getting plastered. I have my fingers crossed that this is foreshadowing for a drunken screech fest where she attempts to drown Natalie in the hot tub. It’s called positive visualization, k?

Natalie and Michelle join Jordan in the kitchen. Natalie tells them that she plans on putting Kevin up cuz he’s a strong player and she only had a deal with him to get to the final four. They fall for it and agree that he’s a strong player, and frankly the way Natalie’s talking I am buying it too. The only one dumber than her in the house is Jordan, so if either Michelle or Kevin goes, she’s golden. She says she knew the girls would fall for her “lie” cuz “they’re goalable.”
Time for the luxury competition, or as it’s also called, another excuse for Kevin to make like twenty fug faces in under five seconds.

Natalie, really cementing that “Kevin and I aren’t aligned” strategy, chooses Kevin to be her partner before anyone else has a chance to say anything. They all go out into the backyard and there’s a little clothing store set up. Luckily, they’re all around the same size and all wear women’s clothing, so the prep on this was easy. And just because I know you want to know, Kevin wears a stripper thong.

EW.

This game has something to do with communicating to your partner what you’re finding so you pick the same things and then keeping what you match. I can’t tell, cuz all I can concentrate on is Natalie’s first grade reading ability. Kevin is worried, because “Natalie knows two items of clothing: jogging shorts and sweaters.” HA.
Part of the challenge is both team members have to take pictures in the matching clothes, and Michelle says that she doesn’t know how to model. You don’t say.

Not like that.

Kevin and Natalie try to describe a camouflage shirt to each other. They find one, and Nat asks “is it black?” Kevin almost answers “Navy” and then smartly decides against it. Jordan finds a rainbow scarf and tells Michelle “it looks like something Kevin would wear!” And this is why Jordan has to stay. It’s like watching Born Yesterday on a loop. They get to keep the clothes they find, and every piece is ugly in it’s own special way. Kevin got a scarf, but he also got stuck with a Nat fedora and basketball shorts. Sad horns. Some luxury. You think it’s a coincidence that the Wal-Mart commercial keeps playing?
When they’re done, they go inside, where a store is set up in the living room. They have three minutes to put on as much as they can and they’ll get to keep what they’re wearing. Kevin decides he wants the mannequin’s clothes. A couple things: first off, they blurred out the mannequin’s ass, which is hilarious.

Porn! Porn I tell ya!

Second, why is he taking the time to undress wood instead of grabbing the easy stuff off the racks? Dumb. And third, why is there scary music playing as he dismembers the mannequin? I have a sick feeling that Grodner’s gonna accuse him of ruining production materials and then booting his ass. As the arms fly off, the intense music gets scarier and everything goes in slow motion. Maybe I’m being paranoid and Jaws music is only playing to heighten Kevin’s “gimme the scarf, bitch!” line, but when time is called, the happy music doesn’t start back up again. Uhoh. Oh wait, there it is. Just in time to see what Kevin got. I’m sure you’ll be shocked.

Later, Kevin and Michelle hang in the HOH and talk final two. Kevin wants to be final two with Michelle because he knows all Natalie’s friends in the jury house will vote for her. He says that he knows he’s betraying his “friend” but “I’ll knock a bitch out” for half a mil. I would say that this is a disrespectful way to talk about a woman, but we’re talking about Natalie, here. I’d knock the bitch out for free. Michelle is careful to stay quiet and not say anything. I used to think this was Michelle being stupid. I would scream “lie!” “cheat!” But hey, she’s in the final four so there you go. Right before commercials, we get a shot of Kevin’s smooth hairless legs.

Has any gay stereotype been left uncovered? K then moving on.

The next day at the pool, Natalie and Jordan have their final two talk. Natalie of course starts with “I’m not gonna lie” and then lies. If not to Jordan, then to Kevin. Everyone lies on Big Brother. You’re supposed to lie. But the fact that I’ve had to watch her scrappy ass jump up and down for two episodes now nose shouting about what a good person she is really makes me wish an ember would come flying over the fence and land on her face.
And now let’s listen in on Natalie as she sounds out the difficult one and two syllable words typed out on the Pandora’s Box card left for her in the HOH. If she opens the door, she’ll get to spend time with her boyfriend. He looks twenty years younger than he did in that picture. Time away from Natalie has done him good.

She says that she’ll do anything she has to do to see him. The catch is that if she opens the door, she won’t be able to play in the veto competition. She goes through it aloud. She’ll still be safe, but she won’t get to keep her promise to Kevin and play for him to stay in the house. To be selfish or not to be selfish? WTF do you think? She opens the door. SNAPPLE.
The best thing about that decision was that she said “I won’t get to play for Kevin’s safety.” HA. She’s not even considering the fact that she could NOT PUT HIM ON THE BLOCK IN THE FIRST PLACE. This girl? Is an asshole.
When she opens the door, boyfriend is there with a rose. Unfortunately, he doesn’t try to poke her eyes out with the stem. What’s the point of praying? Anyone? Anyway, they’re kinda curt and awkward with each other, and then he gets on his knee and opens a tiny box that explodes into her face and kills her on the spot. Damn. No, it’s just a ring. “The real one’s at home.” So basically you’re proposing with plastic. Natalie totally deserves you.
Nat warns him in that scrappy nagging voice that there’s no going back, but he doesn’t seem to hear her and stays on his knees. I can’t help but wonder when the last time was that she took a shower. She answers “hell yeah!” and they kiss stiffly. What, have they been dating two weeks? Nat is sure to tell him that she gave up a lot to open the door and see him. Yes, Agnes, you’re a real giver. We know.
The ring is made out of a twisty from a plastic bottle. LOL. Boyfriend’s dad proposed to his mom this way cuz he was too broke to buy a real ring at the time. Then his mom won Big Brother and brought home half a million dollars so the heifer could buy her own real diamond. Wait. I got the histories all mixed up there. Sorry. He hands her a BB card that says she can have fifteen minutes to eat sushi with her boyfriend if she pushes the button, but the other HGs won’t be happy. She says she don’t give a damn and presses the button. Natalie would literally fall off a cliff if you held a carrot far enough from the ledge.
The HGs lounge at the pool and a fat Mexican dude dressed like a baby comes out and starts pestering them like fat Mexican dudes dressed like babies do. That’s it? I thought they were gonna get to see Natalie eating sushi! Lame.

This can’t be the first time this has happened.

Up in the room, boyfriend is telling Natalie that he asked her father for her hand in marriage. The dad started crying and gave him a cow, two chickens and a Playstation. He made this chivalrous request on premier night. She’s like “really?”, as if surprised that he didn’t fall in love from watching her try to get into Jessie’s pants all summer.

So, you’ve missed a few episodes…?

Downstairs, a little midget comes out dressed like a skunk who follows the HGs around repeating what they say. You can say a lot about this show, but they take care of their obese Mexicans and their midgets. I picture this as a dinner party at Grodner’s house.

Jordan says the little guy is cute cuz he’s so little but he’s annoying the crap out of her. She’s ready to be a mother like right this second. Up in the HOH, Natalie tells boyfriend that she’s not gonna wear the ring in the house, and instead she’s gonna make up something bad that happened to her while she was away so people will want her to stay in the game. I’d say getting a twisty as an engagement ring is bad enough, but I’m not an eighteen year old poker champion.
Cut back to downstairs, where a person dressed as a roach is spraying everyone down with what Jordon calls “bug keeyil”. How awesome would that be if they were getting sprayed by actual roach spray right now?
I’m disappointed that after the fat guy and the midget there’s not a bearded lady or a guy with two heads coming out. You can’t just build and build and then end on an average intern in a cockroach suit.

OW IT BURNS!!

Time’s up. Boyfriend’s out (poor sap I’m prayin’ for ya) and the fat Mexican dude, the midget, and the average roach leave. The HGs immediately go up to HOH. Kevin sees the question marked door and squeals “Pandora’s Boooox!”, like getting restrained in a room while everyone else was outside collecting bags full of cash is the funnest memory he’s had in years. Natalie hasn’t been given time to come up with her brilliant poker player lie.

Pair of threes.

She starts babbling. She was totally screwed and won’t be able to play in the veto comp because she opened the box, but when she did she found out that there would be a final two reversal, which means if she was in the final two and won the vote, the votes would be reversed. That would be cold even for this show. Then she says that she was handcuffed, blindfolded and ear muffed. For no reason. She’s opening her eyes real wide and they’re darting from place to place as she says this. Her mouth is open as widely as possible. Natalie is a poker player, but does she, like, win? Or does she sit online in her pjs all day playing hold ‘em online with boyfriend’s credit card? Cuz she’s the worst liar I’ve ever seen.

Jack high.

Kevin knows she’s full of shit, and says “so basically, you can’t win Big Brother.” Goofy clown music plays as Natalie tries to come up with an answer. She says she can at least win fifty thousand. He presses her, and she insists that there must be something else to it and she didn’t even say that…say what? Who knows? She’s a blubbering idiot of a liar, and the only one fooled is the only one you’d think would be. Jordan. Kevin rolls his eyes and his head and snaps and makes fug faces in the diary room. He knows the “wench” got something good. She keeps her eyes wide and shifty, convincing no one.

It doesn’t take long for this bad lie to backfire. The three other HGs go outside and there’s a loud “ding!” when Jordan finally figures out that it’s a fib. If Jordan’s figured it out, game over. It gets ugly, because they can’t guess that she got to spend time with her boyfriend. They assume that the lie is that her final two reversal thing is the opposite of what she says it is and will hand her the win in the end. LOL. Natalie has dug herself waaaaay down that hole, and it’s gonna be fun to watch her try to claw her way out. She comes outside, as if on cue, and Kevin tells her to cut the shit and tell them the truth. Natalie doesn’t try to scratch upward, after all. Instead, she grabs the shovel and starts digging deeper. She says that she would appreciate it if no one asked her to tell them anything else about Pandora’s Box. Why? “It’s just a request I have.” Good one. You’ve confirmed that you’re full of crap. You are good at this! Kevin is so disgusted that he goes inside to spray air freshener liberally around the pantry.

It’s not the air. It’s the person. Just hold Natalie down and be done with it.

Kevin goes up to the HOH, unfortunately not with the can of flammable spray. She knows that she’s about to be confronted so she puts on her crown and robe. He guesses that she’s lying cuz if she really just lost five hundred grand she’d be breaking windows. LOL. She just stutters and makes nonsensical sentences out of randomly chosen words. Dunno I tell me I huh wha ruh faloowie.

I can’t give you any answers. I can, however, upsize your value meal for free.

When she was being confronted outside, she was holding a racket, and now she’s being confronted and she’s literally cloaked herself and is wielding a golf club. Maybe I’m just watching too much In Treatment, but her defensiveness is just so on the nose. Someone hug the girl for chrissakes. Flowers need water to bloom, people.
Kevin hounds her and won’t let her off the hook. He finally convinces her that it’s in her best interest to just tell the truth, but she insists on doing it in front of everyone. Then he looks at her like we’re all looking at our TVs.

She goes downstairs and tells everyone the truth and says “GOTCHA! You fell for it right?” and everyone’s like uh no. No one believes the real story either, and the fact that her evidence of her engagement is a twisty tie doesn’t help her case. I’m loving this. Kevin tells us that if she would lie about good news then she’s been lying the whole time and her name probably isn’t even Natalie. HAHAHAHAH.

The midget.

Fuckin’ quitter.

Nomination time. Michelle knows she’s going up. Jordan was told that she’s safe but Jeff said not to listen to anything Kevin or Natalie said and she’s just a giiiiirl!

Kevin knows that he’s on the block, but he doesn’t trust that Natalie is going to save him in the end. Duh. Natalie comes in in her burger douche outfit. I would add a pic but frankly I can’t look at her anymore. Jordan’s safe! Shocker. Natalie can’t just offend as few people as possible, though, cuz she’s Natalie and she’s got a giant ego and a mouth that could fit a melon. She lectures Kevin about BB being like chess and she jumped him by three moves and duped him. Michelle is a lying snake and making a deal with her would be like making a deal with the devil. So, Kevin hates you, Michelle hates you, and Jordon hates you cuz Jeff told her to. All in all, I think it’s safe to say GOOD GAME!

Previously, Jordan almost had to get airlifted out of the house for a broken Ziplock.

Kevin is amped up this week, and he goes from making a wacky face or two an episode to making like a hundred in less than five seconds.

We start where we left off: With Kevin teaching us that if you’re probably not gonna win anyway, you might as well advertise for a husband upgrade.

And I can cook, too!

He doesn’t stop with trying to get his ankle behind his neck.

Ok, thanks. You might wanna start trying to win, now.

No one’s having an easy time of running down the slick lanes with their cups of chocolate milk leaking all over the place, but I feel the worst for Kevin, because in addition to the falling, he has to listen to Natalie’s nasally yapping “don’t let it leak! It’s leaking on the sides! Kevin don’t let it leak. Don’t fall. Don’t leak. Don’t fall. Don’t leak.” SHUT UP!
Jeff cheers Jordan on like the dad of an armless child at a swim meet. It’s hopeless that she’ll ever win, but it’s sure cute to watch her try. Kevin says that he hasn’t won jack cracker and if he doesn’t win this challenge then he deserves to go home. Nat almost falls backward, but thankfully Yul Brenner is right behind to catch her.

Jeff is positive that no one would lie to him on Big Brother, so he’s happy go lucky, thinking he’s safe. Cut to post eviction, where Nat tells us that her master evil plan of getting rid of Jeff is near it’s completion! All she has to do is…win a challenge. Not gonna happen. Next! Maybe Kevin will win! Better plan.
At first I thought Jeff was being a smartass when he hugged Russell on his way out and told him “keep it classy, brah”, but turns out he meant it. Russell really left with some grace, according to Jeff. He left kissing Donato ass and looking like a bumbling hack minion, in my humble opinion. I might think differently if he’d at least taken off his shirt one last time. It’s kinda sad to see Russell’s headshot change from color to black and white. Like he’s being kicked out of LA and back to community theater.

Kevin, for one, is glad Russell’s gone. While telling us this, he makes a hundred new fug faces.

Jordan was so nervous Russell was going to get saved that her armpits are sweating. She gets even more flummoxed when it starts to rain in the HOH comp. The rain doesn’t stress her, but trying to figure out if “slipperier” is a word almost puts her into a catatonic state.

Michelle has figured out a way to get more liquid in her holes. By using her hands to squeeze all the excess milk into the…ok this is just getting disgusting. Kevin, who looks a bit behind, says it’s important to get in a rhythm and “Don’t fall, foo!” Are the gays celebrating Dr. T now in slang? Cuz I’m not ok with that. Just my vote.
Jordon starts off strong, but the rain and the weight of her new Ziplocks start to wear on her, until she’s slipping and biting it consistently. Jeff thinks it’s the funniest thing in the world and laughs and laughs. So do I, but I’m not trying to bang her.

He laughs and tells her to watch her cup. She looks down at her boob. LOL. He asks if she popped it and she answers honestly. “I don’t know.” Just in case, she holds it. Poor thing has two holes to plug now.

Natalie keeps falling on her ass too, while wacky organ music plays. She’s even getting beat by Jordan, so decides now’s the time to save face. She tells us that Kevin’s winning, which means she’ll be safe anyway. Why show any of the HGs that she’s a strong competitor? HAHAH. Oh! So you’re incapable of winning ANYTHING on purpose? Well, I gained eighty pounds this year because I was sick of everyone treating me better just cuz I was so much hotter than them, so I understand. DELUSIONAL! She gives up, and doesn’t try to hide it. Kevin starts getting pissed that she’s making him do all the hard work, and as dumb as she’s proven herself to be, it’s amazing that she’s doing this a couple of weeks after Kevin voted out his BFF.
The tense music pounds, like it’s close. It’s not. Kevin is way ahead the whole time, and Michelle, his closest competitor, can’t stay on her feet. He fills his bowl to the top but his marshmallow isn’t popping up. Finally, he remembers an old trick from his rest stop trucker servicing days.

He’s so scratching his phone number on that glass on the way out.

He’s either really happy that he won, or he’s auditioning for the roll of Grizabella in Cats. I can’t tell anymore.

Natalie assumes that she’s safe, but at this point no one’s safe unless they win veto. Michelle knows this was her most important week and she’s screwed. Are you bored? Then let’s watch a nice long commercial about old people doing it.

Is Cialis a boner pill or x? Dang.

Who wants to stand in line with me all night Monday?

Kevin and Natalie (who has taken a shower! See? Was that so hard?) talk about who to put up. Kevin reasons that they have to gamble on the veto comp being either physical, endurance or mental, and Jeff’s a triple threat. He must mean that Jeff can sing, dance and act, cuz Kevin can’t honestly be calling a guy who says “what’s my assurances” and “got got” smart. Michelle comes in while they’re talking and Nat hums and paces and “watermelon watermelon watermelon”s until she leaves. Smooth as ever.
Natalie is convinced that the challenge will be mental next time, which means they should get rid of Michelle. AW!! Michelle gets so sad that she goes to lay in bed, cry, and break out in her party dress. Why is she dressed like she’s going to the rose ceremony on The Bachelor?

Soft sad music plays while she sobs, and then she goes to the diary room to sob some more about how lonely she is. AWWW! Think of it this way, you could be friends with Kevin and Natalie and want to scratch your eardrums out every time they started talking about the same things over and over again. Trust me, being alone is probably your best chance at mental well being at this point. She got so sad that she shaved off half her eyebrows.

She needs to man up and watch the instructional chola video on youtube. If you’re gonna go there, go all the way, sister!

Don’t watch this at work.

Time to see Kevin’s HOH room! I’m predicting a Cabbage Patch Doll collection and a basket of Hello Kitty pencils. What I’m not expecting, though, is for his boyfriend to be FINE!

The HGs are shocked too, and can’t stop saying “I can’t believe he’s so hot” in every different way possible. They keep saying he looks like Enrique Iglesias, and in his basket, Kevin has an Enrique CD. Wow, that’s positive thinking! It gives me hope one day that my looping “New York, New York” CD will mean I can marry Liza Minelli. Yes, it will probably mean a few vodka bottles upside the head, but I can take it.
Kevin immediately starts crying when he reads his boyfriend letter, and Jordan claps. LOL. The letter says that HBF fell in love with his “genuine essence”, which is a kinder way of saying “your playdo face”. The letter is sweet, and I believe in love again. That’s a lie, but at least I’m trying. Kevin gets so worked up over the letter that he goes and plays with a hose.

Outside, Jordan says that you don’t know what you have until you almost lose it. No, she’s not talking about her right boob, she’s talking about how her family’s house went into foreclosure and they became po. She says she wants to live with her mom forever and she takes care of her, and Jeff looks on lovingly and tells us that the fact that she helps her mom financially is one of the things that makes him likelove her. I’m sorry, but if you’re spending your money on your mom instead of making my car payment for me, we can’t be together. Unless you have like three jobs. And a penis.
Later Jordan and Natalie talk about manicures. When this show gets down to the final few, it needs to move to a half hour slot. I could be studying another language right now. Natalie thinks it will be Jordan and Michelle on the block, but says that she will evict Michelle and Kevin better stick to the plan. She figures that since Kevin is in charge, he can get the blood on his hands when he flips the deal over. She is called to the diary room, and Jeff has come in and started snuggling with Jordan. She is convinced that Kevin is gonna backdoor him, and dramatic soap opera music plays as she braids his hair.

Take Chantix. Suicide is way better than smoking. WTF?

And now for a Jordan’s a Fucking TwitShit scene. This week, our heroine tries to figure out what a peach is. Jeff tells her she’s eating a nectarine, and she refuses to believe it and storms out pissed off after Natalie confirms that she is, in fact, eating a nectarine. I imagine her having this argument with her mother in some trailer parked off to the side of the road for the rest of her life. The thought makes me sad. And what did she do to Jeff’s hair when she was braiding his bangs? She pulled that shit out!

Finally, things get interesting. Woops sorry. No. There’s a dragonfly in the backyard! Natalie’s afraid of it. This leads to a discussion on why God invented bugs in the first place. Oh no. This is deep. Jordan’s brain is gonna start leaking out of her ears.
Later, Kevin and Michelle talk in the kitchen. Kevin basically asks her to plea to stay, and all she can say is that she’s playing alone while Jeff and Jordan are a team. Natalie comes in, plops down right between them, and starts playing a very angry game of solitaire. She buts in and says that Michelle should go cuz she doesn’t trust her and she’s aligned with the other side. It wouldn’t be so bad if she stopped there, but she keeps blabbing on and on about not trusting Michelle until Jordan and Jeff are there to hear it too. It’s strategy, you see. I love that Nat comes up with every strategy in the book besides WINNING SOMETHING. ANYTHING.

Great talk. Let’s do it again sometime.

Michelle stays in the kitchen and mopes while everyone goes into the other room to talk about how she’s a liar and needs to go home. Then I pick some lint out of my belly button. I just wore a white t-shirt today. How did I get red lint in my belly button? Open for discussion.
After the most riveting section of this hour, the commercial break, we come back to all the HGs laying around. Kevin decides to play a game show with Jeff to see whether or not he and Jordan are compatible.

Pat Gayjack

Do you like girls who can’t figure out how time works or know what a peach is? No? Woops.

Do you like girls who refrain from wiping boogars on you? No? Not looking good.

Do you like girls a decade younger than you that you can boss around, control, and shout at for no reason at all and then wait patiently for them to come right back to you?

Ding ding ding! We have a winner!

Jeff likes girls who can look good in sweats with no makeup on cuz they’re truly cute and not hiding any fug. He doesn’t like stupid girls, girls with southern accents, or lazy girls, but hey. You can’t have everything. Poor Jordan must feel like she just got a Valentine’s card with poop on the inside.
Kevin hangs out with Michelle later and asks her how he can trust her. This conversation is totally gonna be more exciting than it was the last four times they had it. She says that she is alone, she got screwed by Jeff and Jordan, and she can put her fist in her mouth. He’s like ME TOO and then they hug and decide to align. Just kidding. It ends with Michelle looking half browless and depressed and Kevin making a really hideous face.

Jeff and Jordan come up to the HOH after Michelle leaves, and Kevin assures them they’re safe. Jordan tells him that Michelle will be coming after him next week if he doesn’t get rid of her. Jeff thinks she should go cuz she’s smart. Jordan leaves and Jeff stays. He asks Kevin up front if he’s sticking with the plan. Kevin chooses now to be honest, saying Jeff and Michelle are going up. Jeff says Jordan should go up and he will play POV to save her and Kevin’s like yeah, duh. That’s the point and then my partner will be on the block. Wow, Jeff, you’re really a salesman. Jeff reminds him that they had a deal and he screwed his final four deal to save Kevin. He stays calm though, which makes Kevin confused again and he doesn’t know what to dooooooo!! Grow a pair, already. Jesus.
Commercial time. Every other ad is for a different drug that gives you diarrhea. Then we come back and Kevin is wearing it. I recently went with my niece to the zoo and let her have way too much cotton candy. Kevin looks like the after effects of that day all over the car floor.

Kevin stares at the wall and everyone takes time to repeat the same things to us that they’ve said a million times this hour. He ends up putting up Jeff and Michelle. He apologizes and says they’re just up cuz they can both kick his ass. Next time, there’s an HOH twist!! Another one? Jeeze, Grodner, why don’t you just have them all pick straws for the half a million and put us out of our misery.

We open with a blue out. Jordan talks about how shocked she was when she found out Jeff was the magical wizard. Then again, Jordan was shocked that there weren’t 25 quarters in an hour, so take it’s for what it’s worth. Russell was shocked too. So shocked that he developed a giant shock zit.

Thank you for coming. Have a nice day.

We see the whole magical wizard ceremony all over again. For a second there, it looked like Jessie was going to plea for his safety the old fashioned way. Lap dances.

Unfortunately, he didn’t strip down to nakedness. Just to his douchey nature.

Chia may look calm while Jeff puts up Natalie and Jessie in place of her nominations, but here’s how she really feels.

Her mouth is so big that the editors have to fuzz out the entire lower half of her face. Without that mouth she’s all forehead. If they fuzzed out up to her eyebrows, I would have thought I was looking at Stevie Wonder. With a boob job.
We get to see what happened after Jeff put the sour couple on the block. Chia stays calm and collected and hums “I Just Called To Say I Love You” for awhile, then she starts telling Jeff off in what I’m guessing is her stab at “silent intensity.” Sorry but yawn. She has the intimidation power of a pet rock. That grows grass hair when you pour water onto it.
Natalie yaps about Jeff showing no loyalty, and he calmly answers that she and Jessie were in the lead so it would be stupid for him to leave them safe. Duh. Chia accuses him of being power hungry. Well ain’t that the nut sack calling the elbow ugly. She says that keeping Russell was a bad move and he’s like “uh yeah, for you.” But he’s disloooyal. Chia is more dazed and confused than calm, like she just fell out of a tree. He’s getting annoyed, and when he tells her that she has no power, he sounds like a dad about to hand out a spanking if you don’t calm down in the back of that keahr!
Confusedly, she says if she didn’t have control then he wouldn’t have had any nominations to overthrow. She’s starting to crack. All over the net there have been whisperings about Chia’s nervous breakdown. Bring it on! This is boring. Jeff shrugs and says it’s a game, and Chia gets an evil little girl voice and calmly and freakily mutters “I can play a game….I can win a game! ….There’s no power next week….” She looks like she’s about to start rocking back and forth with drool coming down her chin while giggling hysterically right now. Poor Chima is gonna take days to realize she wasn’t elected president and doesn’t have four years of power. Deluuuuusional!

This reminds me of that part in The Sixth Sense where Bruce Willis finds out he’s been dead the whole time.

We see Jessie evicted again, and it’s glorious. And then the fun begins.

WAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

Natalie tells us what a good, decent person Jessie is. I wish there was more time to ask her for specific examples, but watching her drip snot all over herself is entertaining enough for now. She sobs about how the bad and the ugly are always the ones who win and the good toned muscular people lose even though they’ve got integrity. What is she even talking about? Chia acts like even more of an idiot and says that Jessie’s eviction feels like a family member dying. Her family is so fucking offended right now. Watching her mourn with one boob four inches above the other one is hard. I don’t know who to cry for. Her, Jessie, or the reputation of her boob doctor. Seriously, those things are all over the place.

Kevin is mortified when Jessie disses him, and doesn’t get why. Uh, cuz you just voted him out? No, it’s because he’s an egomaniacal megalomaniac. True, but I have a feeling it might at least a little bit also be because you voted him out.

He was a regular Joan of Arc, that one.

Lydia rolls one of her eyes back and the tattoo on her chest detaches from her body and flies away to avenge Jessie.

She’s crushed you guys. Jessie didn’t just get into her head, he came into her heart. And her palm. If loving him so deeply makes her a bad player, then fine. “I’ll be a bad player!” Oh, NOW you’ll be a bad player? Thanks for the warning. Wouldn’t want to be shocked by your complete lack of game if it just came sneaking up on me.
Last season, we got one homely deranged chick sobbing and snotting and drooling all over herself when Jessie was evicted. Now we have three! This season is really stepping it up. Jeff tells the three sobbers it’s only a game and he doesn’t get why they’re acting like that. Natalie uses her loyalty line again, and Chia says he lied when he said he would vote Russell out. He reminds her that he didn’t technically vote so he didn’t lie. LOL. I like that one. She says “you can semantics if you want”. Without missing a beat, he says “you can semantics!” Then Jordan says nobody should be mean to Jewish people.
Then Michelle wins HOH. Everyone’s a little iffy about that, because no one knows what she’ll do. As Kevin puts it, her win “is the most biggest question mark.” This show makes me think of the movie Nell a lot.
Michelle and Russell are in awe of Jeff’s game play, and he gives an inspirational speech about how you can talk and talk and talk, but if you don’t change things then what’s the point? Then he goes back to studying a cure for cancer, which is his real reason for being on Big Brother.
Meanwhile, Chia and her homely coven (plus Kevin) bemoan the holes in their hearts. Michelle is talking to Russell and Jeff and Jordan, which means she’s aligned with them even after all that horrific abuse Russell hurled at her. Michelle is trying to get on Jeff’s side, not Russell’s. Still, it’s fun to watch Chia cry at Michelle forgetting all that abuse by the big bad terrorist MAN.
Wacky muisc plays as Michelle shows off her HOH room. She’s had a bunch of different hair colors, sometimes all at once. Everyone oohs and ahhs at her pics. I ooohed a lot. Well, ewed.

Your nose is way smaller as a redhead.

There’s a pic of three guys, and Michelle says that one of them’s her husband.

Hotness!

Then there’s a closeup.

….oh.

No one understands why she has a rat, but it’s because they don’t know of her super secret brilliance. She could name the rat Algernon and bring it flowers and they still wouldn’t get it. One thing Jeff does get, though, is that everyone is suddenly kissing her ass and pretending they love rats just to get on her good side. LOL. I want to see the looks on their faces down the line when they find out that she doesn’t love rats, she just does tests on them. Chia is the only one in the room having trouble faking it.

That high boob’s not fooling anyone, either, girl.

Michelle gets a form letter from her husband that she calls thoughtful, but it’s the same letter everyone gets. Except Chia, of course, cuz her letter was about some horrific disease or something.
Jeff sits outside with Russell worrying that Chia will talk Michelle into putting them both on the block. Russell claims his devotion and then pauses for Jeff to commit to an alliance. Jeff doesn’t, and keeps fretting so Russell says that he would take Jeff off the block even if it left him exposed cuz it’s all about keeping your word and he’ll scratch Jeff’s back as long as he scratches his. Pause. No commitment from Jeff. He starts talking about being in trouble again. Come on, Jeff! Commit! Marry Russell! Didn’t he already learn this lesson with Jessie the first week? He’s come a long way to just make the same mistake and put himself on the outs with a possibly strong ally just so he doesn’t have to lie and backstab later. YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO LIE AND BACKSTAB!
Russell knows that Michelle hates his ass right now, so he appeals to her in a way he thinks she will be able to understand. He wears glasses. Cuz she’s smart. I love that everyone has a pair of glasses to whip out this season as a smart person prop.

Les sociétés pharmaceutiques sont l’épine dorsale de notre économie, non?

He kinda apologizes for last week, and she says her main problem was that they were supposed to have an agreement but he blabbed her secrets and then berated her. He nods sympathetically like that was someone else. Someone without glasses. He suggests that they are equally at fault. Huh? How so? Cuz all she did was confide in you and then defend herself when you went all roidrageous on her. Michelle giggles and smiles a lot and pees the bed a little cuz he’s even talking to her. She tells us that they’re ok now, but she knows he’s sneaky so she’ll keep her eyes on him. And keep her eyes on him she does.

The international mouth sign for blowjob had to be blurred out. Hussy!

The homely mourning alliance eats Chinese food and opens Jessie’s bottle of Merlot in remembrance. LOL. Jordan goes outside and rants to Jeff about how annoying it is that they’re such hypocrites and she wants “what’s her name” and her big mouth out of there. I have no idea who she’s talking about.

Inside, the homelies are toasting to “Mr. Pectacular” with really dirty glasses. I kinda hope there’s a salmonella outbreak.

And now the mourning party begins. Lydia talks about how special Jessie was and tries to cry. She can’t, so she just scrunches her face for awhile. You’re covered in tatts, your hair looks like crap, you’re wearing enough eyeliner to fill a 99 cent store. The last thing you should be doing right now is making this face.

Keep that up and you’ll have as many lines on your face as Natalie.

Lydia knows that when she wakes up tomorrow, she’s gonna see everyone but her Jessie. WAAAHHHH! Now Chia’s crying. Poor Jessie didn’t even get a chance to fight! And he was so much fun! And so…big! They cry and wah but never offer any specifics as to why he’s a good person. For once, Kevin and I are on the same page.

O. M. Geeeeeeeee.

Violin music plays as the girls talk about how grateful Jessie was to be alive and how he never talked bad about anyone. LOL. Kevin reminds us that Jessie put Chia on the block, voted to evict Lydia, and got mad at him for not getting rid of Natalie. This is reasoning, and it has no place here. The girls continue. Chia sobs about how Jessie put her up but really wanted her to stay, and Lydia, with a straight face, says “did you guys know he prayed for us all the time?” BWAAHAHAHAHAHAH. Well, God would have answered, but HE COULDN’T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE FUCK JESSIE WAS SAYING.
Russell sits outside wearing a shirt that says Welcome to Jook City. I had to look Jook up on urbandictionary. There are three meanings. 1. To hook somebody up with someone or something. 2. Type of dance. 3. To stab somebody. Mmmmm, I’m thinking 3? I don’t care. I’m not mad at him for wearing that shirt. I’m mad at him for wearing a shirt. It forces me to concentrate on his zit.

Less jooking, more Proactiving.

The not homelies sit round the hot tub and talk about what morons the homelies are and how they’re treating Jessie like he’s just been crucified. Inside, Lydia says that she’s always liked Jordan but she hasn’t stood up for what’s right! Natalie doesn’t just blame Jordan, she blames America, dammit! “Thanks America! You’re real standup people!” Real nice, Natalie. I hope she has a town hall meeting and gets her ass whooped by an old lady with a Don’t Mess With Texas t-shirt and a sun visor covered in little kitties. Numerous shots of the girls sobbing. Cut to Chia and Nat trying to cuddle with Jessie while he looks uncomfortable.

I wonder what Russell’s doing right now.

Next morning, the not homelies are still basking in their glory. Michelle says that she wants Chia out of the house. YAYness. Time for the have/have nots comp!! Meh, who cares? When the hell is Chia gonna lose her shit? We’re halfway through the episode and nothin! WHAT GIVES? The HGs go to the backyard. They will have to slide into goop and then run to a buffet table of casseroles. They have to guess what’s in them and then put them on the corresponding title to win a luxury. The producers flirt with Jeff by spelling casserole the way he pronounces it.

Russell takes time to remind us how big his wiener is.

Noted.

While Michelle and Jeff try all the casseroles to match them up (who comes up with this shit?), Natalie starts yapping at Jeff. Without Jessie there to balance her out a bit, she’s turning into Danny DeVito’s character from Taxi at record speed.

Jeff basically tells her to stfu. Jeff and Jordan are teamed up to swallow and gag together. Aw, love. Jordan thinks she tastes tuna, but tuna’s not even on the board. What is it with idiots and tuna?

Kevin is teamed with Lydia, and he’s immediately offended by her barking. Don’t be friends with a dog, then. I am offended too. By the fact that he’s not only reinforced every cruel, lispy, pansy ass stereotype of gay people, but that he’s ruined hot pink for me, too.

Not ok, Mary.

Chia makes little to no effort. She’s still walking around dazedly from the fall from the tree. Nat isn’t much quicker. Chia starts shit with Russell, telling him not to look at her, and he says she’s not good enough to look at. No one argues. They win food for every day but two. You know, I could be reading a book right now. My fear that this might not ever turn into an action packed episode intensifies when we get a segment of Lydia talking in an annoying little girl voice about her stuffed unicorn Gay Yum Yum. She tells Kevin not to be mean to it, and then the Gay sits on it and swallows it into the vortex with a YUM! YUM! The end. If only he could fit Lydia.
Outside, Russell asks Jordan if she likes Jeff and she says she would date him if he lived in Charlotte. She says she’s very young and he’s very old and doesn’t know if it would work out. WHY AM I WATCHING THIS SHIT?
Later, Nat goes up to the HOH and asks her to be honest about who she’s putting up. Then, she tries to talk her into getting rid of evil Russell. Chia is next to come kiss ass, but never quite gets there. Michelle says flat out that Chia won’t be happy with the noms, and Chia warns her that she’s out if she doesn’t get out Russell. She doesn’t yell or get crazy, but she’s emphatic. Chia’s mouth works, and Michelle is now confused about what to do. I knew that the episode after Thursday’s couldn’t be as exciting, but with all the buzz on the net the past couple of days I am completely pissed that it’s this lame. COME ON!! I’ve got some Divine Designs on the DVR. Candice Olsen’s even more of a devious trash talking slut than the lame brains in this cast tonight.

Rusty nails and Jessie pee.

Time for nominations! Chia says that if Michelle doesn’t put Russell up then she will question her ability to reason. She knows how to reason. Russell keeps showing off his love muscle. Why wouldn’t she want to keep him around?

Michelle nervously asks the HGs not to take anything personally cuz it’s just a game and they’ve all “made lies”. And that’s the smart one. Jordan, Jeff, Russell, Kevin, and Lydia are safe!! Nat and Chia are on the block! YAYAYAYAYYY!!! Lydia’s the most surprised. She showed up dressed like Aileen Wuornos thinking she was going to be executed.

Michelle tells Chia that she knows there’s no way Chia will try and take her to the final two and Nat is up just cuz. Nat tells us that she’s a force to be reckoned with. LOL. Announcer guy says to be sure and come back Tuesday to see what happens when someone self destructs and is removed from the game. WTF?!?! NO FAIR!! We all know who it is, and I would have tried to sweet talk Schoonhacker into taking this bs night if I had known this would happen!!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Oh wait. It’s over and now I can watch Candice slut up someone’s house. YAAAYYYYY!!!

So yesterday, I get an email from our TV Patrol writer/Live Feed recapper Chooch asking if it’s true that tonight’s live episode won’t be live after all and will instead be taped early because Chia was threatening to lose her shit and curse up a storm if her nominations were overturned. My initial thought was “of course not! Chia’s all class!” I emailed B-Side, daddy of TVgasm, and one of my friends who works over at BB. They confirmed that the show was being taped early but neither knew why. B-Side told me he was going to be in the audience though, and since I can’t pass up a chance to giggle with him, I called my trusty BB friend and snagged a space. B-side and a Chia meltdown all at the same time? Add a stick of cream cheese and a guest appearance by Lucille Bluth and I would be in Heaven.
9:30 AM: Why the hell would I set my alarm clock so early? WHY? I have these goals before I go to bed about waking up early and going to the gym and flossing my teeth and shit, and guess what? Never happens. Well, the gym part. I do, in fact, floss. Snooze.
10:30 AM WHY THE HELL DIDN’T I SET MY ALARM CLOCK FOR EARLIER! I have to be across town in forty five minutes or I will embarrass the friend who got me a ticket and be locked out of CBS for life. Jump out of bed, take the dog downstairs. Bitch turned thirteen this week, which you would think means she could poop on command like most 91 year olds. Nope. She sniffed the grass for close to ten minutes and only pooped when I threatened euthanasia. It’s hard to imagine that a dog would know what that word means, but that threat works every time.

I’ve got a syringe in my pocket.
Aaaand….poop.

11 AM Should I be on the freeway right now? Yes. But if I don’t have my venti iced nonfat one pump no ice mocha every morning I turn bipolar. So I am in line, listening to a Tom Jones remix. My ears feel molested. How many ways can one man make money off “Do You Think I’m Sexy?”? I think this is like the twelfth time he’s released that shit. And yes, Tom. You are sexy. Now please learn a new song. And people, when you are in line at Starbux, decide which fucking muffin you want so you know when you get to the front. Some of us are late, k?
11:10 Rush Limbaugh is explaining why he called Nancy Pelosi a Nazi. LOL. I should really do this whole morning thing more often.
11:15 There is a long line of cars in line at CBS and I HATE lines. I am still traumatized by the Russian crack whore taking five minutes to decide on a zucchini walnut muffin at Starbux. I park on the street in a two hour zone, cuz really how long can this take?
11:17 Security guard lady asks if I have a phone or camera. Why, yes, both! No? But I’m a doctor!! The look she gave me was so rude. What about me doesn’t say doctor? Everything? K BRB.
11:19 As I get back to my car, I wonder why a doctor would have an excuse to bring a camera to a show taping. That was a dumb lie.
11:22 OK after a cigarette (that lying and putting the camera back thing was tiring) I’m back in the parking garage, and unamused security lady points me toward a long ass LINE! NOOOOO! Don’t you people know who I am? Oh, yeah. I’m no one. SHIT.
I get to the back of the line and as luck would have it, I’m behind a giant, and I mean GIANT, lesbian and her two tiny friends. The only place in this town you can find an authentic, dykish mullet is at a Big Brother taping. I asked if this was just the security checkpoint or the line to get in and she gave me a severe frown and shook her head. Hey, piss off roller derby. I didn’t want to be an outright diva and squeeze to the front of the line that wrapped up the stairwell, so I was a covert diva and took the elevator up two flights of stairs and walked down one. Sorry, but there’s no way I’m spending a half hour stuck anywhere near that woman. My friend put me on the list. Thank you friend. That woman was scary.
11:26 YAY! Line averted! I checked in at another table where two PA guys (who were totally husband material) sat. They took my picture. They took everyone’s picture, but for a moment I pretended it was just me and made lots of Julia Roberts laughing poses. They looked at each other like they were deciding whether to ignore me or take five and beat the crap out of me. They sent me off to fill out a confidentiality agreement and a questionnaire. Thankfully, this next line was one that was lined with benches so I could sit my fat ass down. You know why I never leave my house in the day? CUZ IT’S HOT!
How many times a week do I watch Big Brother? 3. Do I have live feeds? No. Do I have After Dark? No. Do I have a life? No. That question wasn’t really on there, but the rest of the questionnaire really makes you ask yourself that. I gave my real address and phone number, cuz Jessie’s totally gonna call me one day you guys.
B-side is still nowhere to be seen. Damn him he better not stand me up. We actually didn’t have plans to come together in the first place, so I guess it wouldn’t be standing me up, but irrational anger can be fun and I’m totes bored. Weird not having a cell phone to text or read the internet or basically just avoid people. Like I always say, if you can’t avoid em, judge em. There’s a lady next to me talking enthusiastically about how she and her son are known as “that mother and son team!” cuz they come to the tapings all the time. What a catchy nickname. I suppose the BB staff is too polite to say “that crazy bitch and her twitchy kid are here AGAIN.” Next to her is an older guy with a Spanish gay accent, a bright pink shirt, and little tortoise shell glasses cuz he’s smart. “Jew know da gayme ees so eenteeenze dees jear! Eeed ees like washing chase!” It took me a minute to figure out he was comparing Big Brother to chess. I hate when people do that. It’s like comparing ding dong slapping to fencing.
OMG there’s a guy who looks just like Blind Guy from American Idol!!! I want to get his autograph. He is laughing and smiling very animatedly, like he thinks cameras are all around him. I can’t stop staring at him and smiling. He probably thinks I’m in love with him. Cuz, unlike the guy from American Idol, this Blind Guy isn’t blind.

I swear to you he looked just like this.

B-Side arrives with his friend IndianJones!! I make a beeline towards them. They were trying to fill out their paperwork and I was like OMG YOU GUYS good to see you isn’t this crazy you watching tv what are you watching omg it’s so good to be around PEEEOPLEEEEE. B-side actually had to say, yeah I’m gonna finish up this paperwork. HAHA. I kept talking. IndianJones is a little quiet. Probably cuz last time I saw him I got drizunk and told him how pretty his eyelashes were and I couldn’t stop staring at him and if he went to a bear bar he’d get a husband in a second cuz he’s a big slab of beef. Why do I act like such an ass? WHY? I make a conscious effort to stand at least three feet from him. Luckily, he’s wearing sunglasses to I can’t stare at his eyes. Well played, IndianJones.
We had fun making fun of Real Housewives of Atlanta and catching up. B-side’s hoping Chima loses her shit today, and we both hope Jessie gets shitcanned. Then I try to get him as obsessed as I am about Blind Guy. Still can’t stop staring, and he’s still acting like he’s playing to the balcony. We get to move in to the backlot, which is always exciting cuz I think I’m gonna finally meet Sandra Bullock and become her best friend and call at three in the morning when my car’s towed. No? Well, Nicole Sullivan’s here and she’s cute. She’s pregnant? Or is that prosthetic? Not realizing that I will be asking myself that a lot tonight…
BB has a pretty big staff, and that Grodner hires some pretty cute stagehands. The cutest one is talking to Nicole and smiling and putting his foot on a truck bumper looking all interested. I want to kill Nicole Sullivan right now. And just when I thought we couldn’t complain about the heat any more, we’re let in! Hallelujah! Oooh, the set is so much nicer than it was last year, when there were fake dusty gnarly flowers all over the walls. The chairs? Still terrifying.
LA has a way of making you feel super fat as it is, but these seats are downright evil. IndianJones is a big strong (gorgeous lovely) man, and I’m a chunky bastard. So of course B-Side sat right in the middle of us. Poor thing!! We had no choice but to sit with my left arm flab covering his right pec like a rubber blanket. I owe you a coke, man. Sorry about that.
Karma got me back real quick. The dude next to me is built like a Mac truck. I sat kinda sideways the whole time. Guy was massive. And warm. And I felt a little love coming from him at points. Kidding about that, it was just gross. The place fills up, and the warm up guy comes out and does his thing. I give the Heavens a silent thank you for letting us play a quiz show, cuz audience warm ups can be painfully awkward. Ellen DeGenerous makes you dance. A friend came in town and I thought about what it would be like to be in the middle of this:
and said “uh no. But we have great movie theaters!” BB treats their audience to a quiz show. Warm Up Guy is the same one as last time, and he’s kind of a perv. He picks on all the girls he wants to bang, and then a few normal people in between just so no one accuses him of being a perv. B-side and I make fun of the people who go up to play, cuz that’s what you do. You may win a t-shirt, but you also subject yourself to silent but penetrating public ridicule. Blind Guy is a couple rows down from us, and every time a question is asked, he nods his head very seriously and puts his finger on his chin and then smiles real big and makes bug eyes. This guy is a trip, and finally B-side is laughing at him with me. Probably just to get me to stop pointing and guffawing so openly.
There is this Wispy Guy sitting in front of us who’s just all over the place. He claps wildly and moves his head a lot for no reason. I know that description didn’t make much sense, but I don’t wanna call the guy retarded and get an inbox full of hate mail. Wait. I just did. Sorry. I only have this grainy pic of him now, but you can totally see it.

Now imagine his head bobbing up and down maniacally.

He kept making us giggle, but not in an evil way. In more of a “aw isn’t he precious?” kinda way. He gets to go up and play and he wins a shirt! He takes it like he’s accepting his first Emmy, and it’s adorable. In a sad forlorn kinda way. I keep raising my hand, but I don’t think I’m gonna get called cuz I’m whispering and laughing through the whole thing. I didn’t get called (what. Ever.), but B-Side did! He was asked who he thought would win, and he gave a fairly in-depth analysis about how Russell could pull through and might not be as dumb as he seems. LOL. I love that B-side can turn any opportunity into a talking head segment on CNN Entertainment. He wins a shirt. I try not to be jealous, but it doesn’t work. When he sits back down I feel way less guilty about the arm flab blanket I’m covering him with.
The Warmup Guy asks who we want to go home. Everyone applauds loudly at Jessie’s name. HAHAH. Perfect. Quiz show over. Now it’s time to get trained by the Audience Trainer. I’m not kidding. Here’s how to clap! If you don’t smile when you clap, you look insane, you guys. He makes one side of the audience clap without smiling to prove his point. It was our side of the audience, and this guy is making it very easy to applaud while scowling. It feels natural to me. We learned that clapping rapidly is better than clapping loudly, and also how to fade a clap out. Jesus. Are we getting scale for this bullshit or what? Bring on the bot!
After about five to ten minutes of clap practice, this really old guy with big dentures comes in smiling and I think “YAY! A JERRY GUEST APPEARANCE!” Nope. Just Len Moonves. Kidding, Les! I’m still totally interested in doing that remake of The Nanny for you. Show that Fran Drescher skank how it’s done! Call me! He’s there to support his hot ass wife, Miss Julie Chen, which is cute. And here she is! She’s got her hair swept up today and is wearing a dress that looks like one of those chimney blow things. What are those things called ? I ask B-Side what a chimney blow thing is and he shrugs and holds his shirt tight to his chest in case I’m just trying to distract him with stupidity in order to get that damn shirt. Chen’s hot and super preggers. Why aren’t her boobs big? They should have grown. Something’s fishy. Well, baby robots don’t need milk I guess, so I just ignore it.
We promise to clap properly and not try to stare at ourselves in the monitors, and we’re off!! I’m going over the actual episode in the recap, so join me in the morning for that. During commercials, we talked about how Julie was wearing stiletto platforms while pregnant. How can that be comfortable? Or good for the baby? If there even is a baby! No pregnant woman would wear those shoes. I’m being silly, I know, cuz even if it’s just a bot baby, it’s still a baby. It counts. Being in the crowd was really really fun, and hearing people root against Jessie was wonderful. YAY BB!
Early Show Interview:
So wow. Jessie acted like a douchebag. Shocker! His exit interview for the Early Show was just amazing. He couldn’t put one single sentence together and said “more so” randomly like twenty times. He has a paranoid delusion that America voted for Jeff to get the power just to get rid of him. Why? Cuz America hates him. WAAAH. This seems very true, cuz as he talks the audience is sniggering and guffawing.
Every time Julie asks him a question (one of which was “why did you sleep thirteen hours a day instead of playing harder?” HAHAHAH), Blind Guy nods and reflects as if he’s being interviewed. This guy is relentless. He’s nodding and squinting intently like Jessie’s stuttering and um-ing is super intelligent.

At one point, Jessie says something like “you know how it it is. You throw noodles at a brick wall and only one’s gonna stick.” Indeed, Jessie. Indeed. He calls Jeff’s move “brilliant” a bunch and tries not to spill bile everywhere. Doesn’t work. When he’s done, he raises his hands in triumph and leaves without looking back at Chendra or the audience. And it’s better that way. Cuz in real life? His ears are really giant and I always want to remember him like this:

Yay! You hate me! You really hate me! I win!

SunBot starts us off with that “the lines have been drawn!” spiel. That was said like ten times before the end of last episode. Why is everyone saying that so much? CBS is trying to affect the white trash vernacular. Yes, Les. Say it enough, and people will just start repeating it all over America and you’ll gain some viewers back. Suddenly, an arrow slashes Chen in the neck and she starts bleeding coins. She looks like a Squirt machine under siege.

Tonight, it’s a WHOLE NEW GAME! Wouldn’t that be awesome if it seriously did become a whole new game? Like Monopoly. Or Scrabble. Wait. They already tried that one.

The Day That Scrabble Cried

I live in Little Armenia. Do you know what I see a lot of?

You know he’s had “Pass That Dutch” as his ringtone at least once.

I smell Axe. The suit, the cocky head. I don’t think I’ve ever typed “cocky head” before. But look, he totally has cocky head.

Cocky Head

Tomorrow, you’re gonna start saying “cocky head” and “the lines have been drawn” over and over again and not know why. Point is, Russell’s not Armenian, he’s Lebanese. So am I! So for that reason alone I have to root for him, right? I tried showing that kind of blood loyalty to Tony Shaloub, too. But Monk? No. Russell’s my second chance at Lebanese pride.
As Julie yarns on about lines being drawn and Ronnie probably being screwed, Ronnie does an invisible evil beard twist thing because he’s totally an evil genius, you guys.

He looks like an idiot, as usual, but it’s nothing compared to what poor Lydia is going through. Why does this girl work so hard at being as hideous as possible at all times? Pleather, fauxhawk, 80′s aerobics headband and general dirtiness aren’t all she’s trying to get past today. When she took a nap this afternoon, someone drew a giant dick on her eyes. CBS put a black box around it, like this is Cheaters or something. Come on! You can’t show a dick, but you can show a drawing of one!

Sorry, children.

Woah. Stop the car. JULIE! CULOTTES???!?!? NOOOOOOO!!

There should be a black box over these culottes. That’s the real offense.

ChenChen says Coup d’Etat a lot. Sorry all I hear are culottes. Pregnancy doesn’t give you the right to just up and lose your mind in public. Or does it? I kinda feel like making a baby right now, you guys. Chenlet mysteriously says that Russell may be safe from eviction, but no one’s safe from paranoia in the Big Brother House. The lines have been drawn, k?
Just as I’m thinking “who let in Harvard?”, Jordan tells someone she’s just wearing glasses cuz she wanted to look smart. Then she does the chicken dance.

Clap clap clap clap.

Jordan tells us that they only need four votes to get Ronnie out and they’ve got em. Ronnie, sincerely, whines to us that he can’t believe how Michelle has no sense of loyalty and how she’s only out for herself. HAHAHAHAHAH. Please, PLEASE let this dumdum get sent home wearing that shirt.

Ronnie is so emotional about not being taken off the block that he does that lipless frown thing and wanders off to stare at a spatula.

Lead the way, you hole-y mass.

Outside, Hydia tells Kevin that he shouldn’t come near her cuz she has the plague. Lydia having the plague doesn’t seem too far fetched, so Kevin waits a sec before realizing she’s kidding and then tells her that just because she has a giant dick on her eyes doesn’t mean that people have lost respect for her. It happens to everyone! By the time he’s done, he’s convinced her that she’s a winner. She’d be on a Wheaties box if Skankery was an Olympic sport.

Look out, Shaun Johnson.

Later on in the day, Michelle and Jordan have taken over the couch. Michelle nervously giggles about how she doesn’t have any normal books, just “brain books”. Jordan probably wants to bond with Michelle a bit and join in the conversation, but she’s not sure if the big yellow book with all the phone numbers in it counts as a tome to discuss with a nerd.

I wish I had those glasses right now.

Not yet realizing that Jordan is seriously not gonna even try to talk to her about books, Michelle blahs on about how she really doesn’t read as much as she should, cuz she’s always tired from being so smart. Jordan takes a solid beat and then gets to picking her nose.

I could really use some boogar.

Russell comes out onto the patio looking all shifty eyed and nervous. He asks if he interrupted their conversation, and Jordan says no they were just talking about books. No one in their right mind would believe that Jordan was discussing literature, especially cuz she pronounces it “litracher”, so Russell assumes she’s lying and they were really plotting together. Woah k emotional instability. He can be so charming, and he can be downright scary. A hot man with paranoid rage issues is dangerous to the public. But as long as he takes out his aggression at the gym and just gets really giant muscles, then he’s ok by me.
He doesn’t drop it, and asks what they were really talking about. Jordan insists over and over again that she wasn’t “scheming about” him, and says that she can tell he’s mad cuz he’s getting smart with her. He says that it’s just really stressful being the one with all the power cuz you don’t know who to believe. She just smiles and giggles, which must mean she’s really a mastermind who’s planning on taking over the world.
Russell is sure that something’s going on, so he takes Michelle up to the HOH suite and gets the info the only way he can. By being amazingly hot.

She has no choice.

He complains that he doesn’t like it when people talk behind his back cuz he can’t defend himself. He’s wanting her to confess what she was talking about outside with Jordan, but instead she says that Chia, Jessie and Natalie want to backdoor him and talk about it all the time. True, but I think those three have said at one time or another that they wanted every cast member out. Michelle just aligned with the majority of the house and now she’s gonna break up their majority instead of riding it out. Am I getting that right? Cuz it looks stupid to me, but then again, she’ll say anything she needs to right now to keep this happening.

You dropped something, officer!

Russell calmly tells us that it’s a complicated game and he doesn’t know who to trust, but in the room with Michelle he’s nervous and skerd. Oh man, Michelle. I know Russell’s a new friend, but you should already know that he doesn’t keep his mouth shut about anything. He gets Jessie up in the HOH later and grills him about Chia’s plan to get rid of him. Jessie says dude and bro a lot and then picks at a callus on his palm. Gross.

Brah. I can see my future. I’m in tights.

Jessie assures Russell that Michelle was lying to him and Chia’s got nothing but the best intentions. Russell likes to yell, so he disregards Jessie’s words and tells Natalie to summon Chia. LOL with the summoning. Milk that position, buddy. Natalie whispers to Chia that the end goal is to get him out but not now, and Chia says that she wants to kick Michelle’s ass. So she goes up to the suite and insists that Michelle join them. Michelle’s like huh? I never said anything bad about you Chia! Russell gets his rage on and shouts that Michelle just came up and told him Chia was trying to backdoor him. Michelle shrugs and gets that “shit where’d I park my car?” look.

I could have sworn it was in A7. WTH?

She plays dumb really, really well. And good for her for thinking on her feet. She tells Russell to calm down and stop being paranoid cuz she didn’t say anything. LOL. He flies off the handle at her. He tells Chia that he isn’t lying and doesn’t care if she believes him. She takes that as a cue to lose her shit, saying if he doesn’t care what she thinks then she doesn’t trust him. The two biggest mouths in the house go at it. Jordan describes Chima pointing her finger in his face and screeching and bobing her chia hair all over the place like this: “That girl’s sassy!” .

He’s shouting and making cocky head and putting his chin in her face. They “you are!” “you are!” “you!” for awhile and cuss and make a big ole scene, then take it down to the living room and outside, exploding bad English all over each other. This has to be one of the dumbest fights on the show. Neither one of them even knows what they’re fighting about. Can we get back to Michelle playing Dude Where’s My Car?

Do I have bats?

Chia, sounding like she’s about to weep, shouts that he has big ugly ass cauliflower ears. Bwahahaha. Ah, high school. She goes inside and slams the sliding door shut, but not before hearing Russell taunt her about being 34 and how she should act her age. That would burn if we weren’t all staring at your ears right now.
She hears the diss and starts to tear back outside, but Kevin is holding the door shut with all his might. Or there’s a semi parked in the backyard out of frame and he’s trying to lure the trucker out of it.

Chia tries to calm down with Michelle and Natalie. She’s so enraged that she doesn’t even bother asking Michelle if she was talking shit about her. Michelle nods knowingly and declares this “Season of the Rat, Part 2″. Then she waters Chia’s head and sings a lullaby. Well played, Michelle.
Chendra tells us that Ronnie doesn’t have much time to get his votes, and it’s all about timing in the Big Brother house. And drawing lines in the sand. Ronnie approaches Jessie as he’s spitting out his toothpaste water. It might seem like an inappropriate time, but the only other time Jessie’s awake is when he’s eating, and that seems even ruder. Ronnie frowns liplessly and says that he accepts the fact that he’s going home. Jessie doesn’t laugh, so Ronnie gets on with his real plan. He’ll make that nitwit Jordan think no one’s voting for him to stay so he can get her pity vote. Jessie reminds him that Jordan hates his pasty ass, but Ronnie won’t be deterred. He will pull out his bag of frownsmiles and work the room. Whatever you do, don’t talk to Natalie. She looks a little…cavemannish at the moment and could be dangerous.

Jeff decides that tonight’s the night to put the moves on Jordan. He gets on her in bed and they make out a bit, and Ronnie comes in. LOL. The only thing more frightening to look at on this show besides Ronnie is Ronnie in night vision.

He goes on and on about how he’s a big man and can take losing but he wants at least one sympathy vote. They don’t answer, and in the moment of silence they start making out again. He continues to try to charm them by…farting really loud. His simpering, wussified cock block cemented Jeff’s vote. Another brilliant move by Chaz Bono. Jordan just can’t continue after the fart, so Jeff is left to apologize to his boner as he leaves the room.

Back to Chenlet. She apologizes to Lydia for having to block out the giant Sharpie penis on her eyes, and then Jordan tells her that she just loved watching the entertaining fight between Russell and Chia. I don’t watch the live feeds because they mess with the recaps, but someone told me that Jessie’s been crying over slop the whole week like a total wuss. Julie asks him if he’s appreciated America’s gift of squid and poopie diapers, and he says that Kevin didn’t even put forth the effort to try it, whatever that means. Then he flashes his dimples and says that since he’s a body builder he can stomach “the most blandest things out there.” Jessie just talked for a minute and I didn’t understand one thing he said. Some lady in the audience sure got worked up about it though. Her arms jiggle so violently as she claps that she hits the lady next to her.

Chenlet gets some private time with Russell. She asks if he regrets fighting like that with Chia and he says that “it was a melting pot” that was getting ready to explode. Way to bring race into it. Those melting pots and their explosions. He adds that he apologized to Chia for everything he said and then accepted a handjob from her. All better.
Russell says that now he is going to adapt to not having power, cuz he was king for like forty years. He adds that Cheniqua is gorgeous and he appreciates her being there, like she doesn’t blow an old man who smells like pickled pigs feet every night for the chance to do this. She reminds him that she doesn’t have a vote in the house, but she is charmed. He insists that his alliances with Jeff and Jessie are both genuine and he’s gonna do his best to not backstab them. Aw! He seems like he’d be an awesome boyfriend when he’s not ramming your head into a wall.
And now it’s time to find out who America voted for! Jeff, duh. And it is Jeff! This is America, and pretty wins every time. He is called into the diary room and there’s an envelope waiting for him. He does his best to read it and the camera man has to pronounce coup d’etat for him. LOL. He doesn’t know what that means, but it sounds foreign, which is apparently sexy to him. I would call him a disgusting shameless pervert, but poor guy’s got blue balls. You can blame Ronnie for this one.

Oooh yeah. Italian.

Jeff thanks America for giving him the chance to turn his nuts back to their normal color. Wait til he finds out he has the power to defy the HOH once either this week or next. Chensei tells the HGs about the power, but won’t say who has it. She gives the mystery player a chance to use the veto now, but Jeff just smiles and turns bright red. LOL smoothness.

Time for beg for your life speeches. Lydia is first and says “groovy”. I’m sure she said other stuff but I’m hoping if the editors will slip up with the box and show us her eye dick so I don’t hear it.

Come on! Just a flash!

Ronnie takes his time to do his best Sally Field impression. He shakes his jowels and gets all high pitched and says that he thanks everyone and anyone who got him on this show cuz it’s been his dream like forever and he’s totally worked really hard to get here. LOL. How do you work hard to get on BB? Then he thanks Jessie for helping him lose twenty pounds. You lost twenty pounds?

Look behind you.

He says that everyone in the house is a really good person except Michelle. Her actions in this game have convinced him that she’s the most horrible person he’s ever met in his life. Russell, the guy who, you know, put him on the block in the first place, is in the clear here cuz. Michelle most likely won’t try to beat Ronnie up for talking like that. Pick on the girl, PUSSY! Chenel says that he probably won’t win her vote, but thanks him for unsuccessfully trying to top Chia’s first week speech. Sad horns.
Voting time! Chendall accidently refers to Kevin as a she. HAHA. Love it. He votes to evict Ronnie. Natalie votes to evict Lydia and so does Chia, who looks like she’s doing the handkerchief trick out her belly button.

She’s waiting for an important week to pull the bunny out of her hair.

Jessie votes against Lydia, and Michelle shockingly votes to evict Ronnie. Jeff votes against Ronnie, and Jordan votes to evict the pudgy lesbian who farted while she was trying to get boogar. Ronnie’s out!!! YAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA. Ronnie condescendingly pats everyone on the back like they just got evicted. He tells Michelle to be quiet as he leaves and his last words are “and…scene!” Of course those were his final words. CHEESE. I have to say, I didn’t think this day would come so soon, and I am thrilled. He walks onto the soundstage like he just won.

The Longhorns are in a collective facepalm right now.

There is total silence in the house. The only noise is Jeff’s bone rubbing against his button fly.

The absence of pasty dork farts can do wonders for a man’s virility.

Ronnie laughs retardedly about his ridiculous Michelle slam and says that she’s a liar and blah. Chental asks if his speech to her could have been used to describe his actions and he says they are kinda the same but he was ultimately true to the athletes cuz he was finally in a situation where they couldn’t just ignore him and wedgie him and push him into a locker and Michelle has no pathetic alliance with anyone. Chendra keeps trying to call Ronnie out on being a snake, but Ronnie has a politician’s answer for everything and says the only reason his health care plan is running into polling trouble is because Michelle is an evil swastika wearing Nazi organizing against him in an alliance with Rush Limbaugh.
Kevin starts off the goodbye video rolling his eyes and making wacky faces and nanny boobooing. Then he says “deuces” and gives a backward piece sign. Hm. Did he just tell Ronnie “poops” as a goodbye? I kinda like that.

Jessie also has two fingers up in his video, but it’s never explained why. I don’t think it means “poops” this time though cuz he thanks Ronnie for being a good ally. Russell says nothing interesting, which gives me time to stare at his ears.

Now I can only think of vegetables and he’s way less hot.

As Chia tells him she voted for him to stay, he cries. HATE. Michelle says “I hate you.” HAHAH. Michelle for the win! She cements my love by ending with “get out the door you big dork!” HA. Ronnie tells Julie that he won’t be keeping in contact with Michelle. I don’t know if this is the most fun I’ve had during an eviction ceremony, but it’s up there.
America has called in and left messages for the houseguests. Video package! Viewers sing the HGs songs over the loudspeaker and tell them witty things like “stop sleeping so much! You lie all day you don’t need to lie around all day!” That was so Grodner’s goddaughter. The messages go on and on and really showcase the country’s intellect. At one point, Jordan says “who has time for this?” Asks the woman who volunteered to get stuck in a house all summer and do nothing.
HOH competition! It’s a quiz game, which bodes well for…well, no one. They have to remember things said in the messages that the viewers recorded. Michelle and Lydia are the first two out. Then Jessie’s out on the question about the message telling them to stop sleeping so much, most likely because he was asleep during that one. Jeff and Jordan are out together, which is cute and gross at the same time. Kevin and Natalie are out, leaving Chia as the winner! She squeals like a train approaching a baby left on the tracks. This is gonna be a long week. The contestants answered way fewer questions than the producers had hoped, so now it’s filler time.
When we come back from break, Chia is still squealing. She gives a shout out to Ronnie for having study group with her, cuz that’s why she won. Then she says she hopes there is lotion in her basket and she’s happy to have power and safety this week. Audience questions! Lydia is asked if she could get a tatt now what would it be? She says she already has a cock tatt on her eyes and she’s done for awhile. Kevin asks who is most in need of a makeover. Nice gay question, Grodner. He may be a homo, but he’s wearing jelly bracelets and shaved lines on his head.

Besides me?

He answers Natalie. Granted, she’s wearing a hair claw, but she’s in the same room as the girl with a peepee on her face. Kevin’s gonna pay for that.

OK this show should have ended ten minutes ago, when it was still fun. That said, we’ll always have Leia.