We open with a picture show of all the millions of people who have auditioned for Idol over the years. I hope there are no people with epilepsy watching, cuz the flashes will kill them on the spot. It’s like a super fast picture show of broken dreams and busted ass faces.

Missing Since 2003

Not that it’s a huge surprise, but still!

Very important epic music plays while the camera zooms around the contestants. Lots of Vaseline on the lens. Ellen looks ten years old.

Crystal Hobosox (Thanks itch!) says that she doesn’t care what happens cuz she’s comfortable in her own skin. Your skin will be more comfortable in a nice hot shower. Casey Prettiness says that he’s just here to make his fans happy. Then shut up and take something off. Lee just says “awesome!” and he does it without stuttering. Well done!

Then we are shown a pic of why Hobosox should have her baby taken away by child services.

Stop shaking that baby! He’s not a tin can!

There are lots of movie titles and sounds of swords crossing, so I’m assuming this will be a Robin Hood commercial. I hope Russell Crowe will come out and start yelling at people for no reason. Lee says he wants to do this for the rest of his life. Really? So this is better than MIXING PAINT? Noooooo.

If I worked with Cecile, I would call her Cooties Coutaz. Cuz I’m mature like that.

All the kicked off kids are here! Hi Sio!! Scream something! Also that blonde girl who looks like Brooke White is here. She looks like a melted candle.

MexiGokey is in the dark. Which works for him.

Over forty seven million votes came in! If there were that many viewers you guys wouldn’t be on death watch! Let’s say hi to the judges! Randy ditched the Mister Rogers look for a plain white t-shirt. He is very wordy tonight though. I think he’s speaking Shakespeare.

Woo has to be Latin for something. Otherwise he’s just a moron.

Ellen looks like an off duty private dick at Easter time.

Fans finally got pissed off enough to tp Skara.

Simon looks like one of the pig’s ears I give my dog. Man, she loves those things.

Tink says they’re all gonna be on The Simpsons this week. Wow. This cast will be on an entertaining show. Alert the news! Simon is shocked that Tink says hi to him. He doesn’t make a gay joke. Well what the hell good are you?

The final 3 are brought out. Tink wants to get inside their heads. This is gonna be deep. Prettiness says that it’s surreal and then he starts working his shirt like he’s trying to cover his love handles. I love when pretty guys are insecure. It kinda balances things out.

Yes. You do look fat in that shirt. HUGE. Let’s hug.



Hobosox stutters about nothing. What is going on with all the stuttering? I blame Obama. People stutter to sound Presidential. Lee stutters about how he’s become a better person because of American Idol. LOL. Fame does that. It turns people into saints.

Have you guys ever pictured yourself winning? Casey says no. Uh oh. You didn’t do the secret! You’re out! He reasons that winning ten million in the lotto may not be as great as winning a hundred mill, but it’s still ten million. He’s got an inflated sense of the prize. Dude. You win a Ford. If you lose you don’t even get a bus ticket.

Hobosox and Lee stutter positivity. Tink just keeps asking them questions. I didn’t come here to see people talk off key for chrissakes. Get to the shitty singing! Casey talks about how he can’t return a hundred texts a day, and then Hobo says that she’s a diabetic mom and that stresses her out but she’s totally got AI healthcare now so she’s all good. Ellen looks like she’s falling asleep.

Have I mentioned that I know Melissa Etheridge yet? Can’t forgeeet to teeell theeezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Randy blathers on about how much confidence Lee has gained. Especially in the meemaw hair department. He says Hobo was too indie for this show but has sold out nicely, and Pretty is pretty. Then the contestants talk more about nothing. This needs to stop. Hobo kisses ass and says all the judges’ comments were great, and Pretty laughs and says no they weren’t. LOL. Well they were for her, cuz she had judge head up her ass the whole season.

Man, I wish there was a car that looked like a super ugly Prius with enough room for one of my legs and maybe a bag of ice and everywhere I went people would point and laugh at me. And now, if I could get that car in avocado green. The kind of green that appliances came in in the 70′s. Or that babies poop out when they don’t feel good. Holy mother! That car has been invented! And it’s about to run over Tinkercrest! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Oh no Mr. Bill!

Today’s Ford story is about what the cast did to a poster of Sio that used to hang in the crew’s greenroom.

Stop grinding your vag on it so we can spray paint it proper like, Hobo!

You think you’re so great with your screech yell and your bong making and your janky teeth and your old friends! I’ll show you sucka!

Once they’re done drawing donkey dicks all over Sio, they spray paint images of themselves! They’re projecting a bit though. Prettiness is butch and Lee doesn’t have love handles. Hobosox has given herself even bigger hips though, so she can keep it real and no one back home calls her a sell out. It’s also why she will never wash her hair properly or get caps on her teeth.

The fake versions of the contestants all sing on pitch, have charisma and apparently taste, too.

There’s no way we’re getting in that fugnacious death trap.

Let’s just draw our own and deface the shit out of it.

And now back to the burning question of the evening: Why does Prettiness have so much makeup on? He’s starting to look like a Cabbage Patch Kid.

Willa Ronda Brenda

So down to Earth I didn’t even notice that camera in my face!

That there camera’s on little ole me? But I’m just a paint salesman! Derdeedlederdeedledeeer!

If that guy isn’t a spokesperson for Cracker Barrel by the end of the year, their entire advertising department needs to get fired.

Now for more home footage. I’m glad they broke this up and spread it over a couple nights. It keeps us on the edge of our seats. I haven’t been this intrigued since I picked a boogar outta my nose in the shape of the Virgin Mary. Spoiler alert: it was just a boogar. Let’s join Prettiness on his visit to Texas!

The wing’s on fire! The wing’s on fire!

Look! Concrete!

His fans have no problem getting totally honest about why they like him.

Pretty is totally impressed that all those cops are following him like he’s the President. What he doesn’t know yet is that Hobosox has put a bomb in his backpack and tipped off the pigs.

Seriously. PULL OVER.

So, what do you think about the oil spillage? Can it be stopped? And how?

Oil is very important. For hair. And lubing yourself up before you bang a cougar and ride her labia all the way to the finals. GO OIL!

You totally have a chance. Yes, scared guy in the back. I’m talking to you.

Carrie Underwood with too much lactose. And a foot instead of a hand.

Keep it in your pants, skank!

OMG PLEASE tell me that he’s not seriously from a town called Cool. LOLOLOLOLLL. Town of gorgeous hair and boar faced children.

Ow! She bit me!

Heck yeah I’ll sign your collar bone! Then I’ll do a line of coke off your knee. CUZ I’M A STAH!

Poor dog. It later died of Sharpie poisoning.

And…glue.

The giant bunny helps a little girl who’s family just crashed into a tree.

I am a card carrying mo, as you know by now. Boobs are kinda wondrous to me. I don’t get them, but I appreciate them. Well, I used to. Now, they plain horrify me. Sorry, boobs, but this bitch ruined you for me.

Pretty was in an accident a few years ago. Aw! He’s going to the hospital now to thank the people who saved him. Then he’s gonna go thank the people who helped him when he locked himself out of the house a few years ago.

Don’t tell me. This is where you guys have all your weddings.

We don’t find out what the accident was, which means it was probably kinky.

Unfortunately, the gerbil didn’t survive.

Reba McEntire! Stop stalking and get back to brilliant sitcom acting!

Please say you’re here to pay your bill.

You busy later?

Pretty goes to sing a couple a ditties at the town fair, and his old girlfriend shows up.

Back to the show. Tink, prob about the drag queen, shakes his head and asks “What were you thinking?!?” Pretty just shrugs and says that girlguy could swallow a garden hose and still pull it together to pour a bowl of Fruity Pebbles into a bowl the next morning. Tink nods knowingly.

Prettiness can’t describe the home visit experience. Partly cuz he’s trying to cry, and partly cuz he doesn’t know English too good. I hope he doesn’t become too famous, cuz Kathy Bates will lock him up in a cabin and start chopping off body parts.

I’m watchin you boy!

Has this show lost credibility for you guys this season? If not, then please consider that PEREZ HILTON IS HERE.

Cancelled.

Tink gives Perez cred for discovering Lady Gaga. Having a dick drawn on your face on the internet is the new discovered at Schwab’s lunch counter.

Chucky smiles.

Perez discovered Travis Garland online. Most likely jerking off. He claims Travis is better than Justin Timberlake. Well, he’s certainly better at sounding like one of the girl chipmunks from Squeakuel. There’s a Brady Bunch editing thing going on, to show us that at every angle this kid looks kinda like Perez. Yikes.

I love the beat to this song, and I’m super glad that another young castrato has found an in in the lip sync business. The beat is coming from the old tired cast of Stomp.

Wake up or retire, fool! You’re on TV!

Finally. Leg warmers are back. For dudes.

The kid runs up the stairs and pretends to sing high notes. That was good. But he’s no JT. I appreciate the leg warmers though. Keep syncing, kid!

And now let’s visit Hobo’s town! She rolls in in an empty cargo car with her belongings tied to the end of a stick while playing the harmonica. Her welcoming is….quainter than Pretty’s.

This town may be a lot of things, but it’s certainly not hungry. Or bathed.

Jeeze. There are like ten mics in this shot. Even her vag has one! It’s gonna sing “Wash That Man Outta My Hair Not”.

She makes her way to the AT&T store, but she still owes them money for an old bill she skipped so they don’t let her in.

The guy who played the fiddler in Deliverance is even there. Star studded event.

Why do dentists have such an aversion to this town?

Hobo gets to sign a pair of tits after all! She tells the guy “you better bathe though.”

How bout you ALL bathe?

It’s crazy Claire from Lost! Where’s my bebeh?!?!

She plays peekaboo in the limo and passes out flowers she stole from the library. Then Samuel L Jackson gives her the keys to the city!

Now you can stop breaking all the windows.

She goes home to see her family and her kid. I thought the kid was with her the whole time. LIES! I can’t tell her and her dad apart.

Twins!

Bowerstock: Equally offensive to Woodstock and crucifixes. It’s like Woodstock! And people getting nailed to crosses! Sounds about right.

Random question, but how come no one’s crying during their home visit? That’s an AI first, and it’s happened twice in a row. She tries, but no salties come out. Oh wait. She’s crying now.

That song we just heard is called “Holy Toledo” and she wrote it! It’s on the album “Jumpin’ Jehosaphat”. Now for Lee’s home visit!

Quien es??

Lee is gonna win because he is legitimately crying before he even gets out of the car. Also, he really knows how to bring out the pretty in people.

I’m no math wizard, but I think that adds up to Leel.

Lee gets to throw out the first pitch at the Cubs game! Damn, he just smoked the other home visits. Pretty visited a fucking key store for crying out loud. And he’s not the only one that can get fetuses in a tizzy.

Until he starts singing.

Simon’s replacement.

Public education = wasted tax dollars

Awww! OK YOU WIN!!

Lee’s a fucking mess. He cries. And then cries. And cries more. And then he cries. Poor guy. I wish I was there to hug him. And then slap him. And then kiss him. And then slap him again. And then take money out of his wallet.

Lee’s dad says he’s so proud of Lee that he doesn’t have words. Like father like son. Then Lee gets a parade. And he cries. Then he has a concert. And he cries. And sings off key. And cries more. He’s so sweet.

Aw Lee. Just looking at him reminds me of the first time we waxed Susan Boyle. Tears.

Before

After

What does it feel like to make your dad proud? WAAAAHHH stutter stutter nothing blahness WAAAAH!

Justin Bieber is here!! Jesus you guys he’s like three. And he can sing his ass off. Bowl hair aside, what a talent. I don’t need to ever hear this song ever again as long as I live, but how cute! He’s like a tiny white Michael Jackson. When he’s older he’ll be a regular Michael Jackson. But alive. And with working nostrils, knock on wood. The best singing of the season came out of a three year old. When his balls drop he’s gonna be screwed.

My friend Tricia told me that her little nephew said he likes Justin Bieber but he’s a little repetitive. “All he says is baybeh over and over.” LOL. Kids say the darndest things. Justin drops the mic and starts playing the drums. Well. WTF? Then he stands on his head, speaks Chinese, comes up with a solution to world hunger and spits out equations. Who gave birth to this thing? Get it off my TV.

Robot baby.

You know Perez is cutting himself in the girls’ room right now. Bieber will have a dick drawn on his face by morning and then Perez will claim to have discovered him. Now for some results. Perez, you lose! Hobo looks terrified. Lee’s in! Hobo’s in! Pretty’s out! He’s totally thankful and asks if he can keep the makeup he was given. Then he sings. His mic is off for awhile. This poor guy gets no respect. But he gets plenty of ass so screw him. He sings the “heart in my hands” lyric directly to Skara, which is nasty. He picks up a cute little girl, walks around with her, and then steals the bow off her head. Man that guy is a hair accessories slut.

That was…uplifting? Inspirational? Horrifying? Bland? I honestly can’t tell any more. See you next week for the eight hour finale!

Unfortunately, he eventually has to make it down the stairs and boom. Short again.

Short people got no body.

This is the fight over who gets to sing Skara’s super shitty finale song of the year! And THIS. IS AMERICAN IDOL!

I can’t decide whether I’m more excited for this finale or Lost’s. I want to find out WTF has been happening on Lost, and I just want this bitch to die. The excitement is probably equal for both. I think Crystal has been the smoke monster this whole time. It’s hard not to feel sorry for Tom Hanks’ kid right now.

HEY! My dad won two Oscars! Why do I have to come here?



Tink asks the audience who their fave is, and it’s an overwhelming “Leeeeee!!!” I was looking at the Idol Facebook page. Each of the finalists put little messages, but Lee’s comments outnumbered the others by at least two to one. Never underestimate the power of Facebook. Just ask Betty White. Or Sarah Palin.

Let’s say hi to the Judges! Randy looks at his cue card right in time to read “raise finger to air, show off diamonds.”

Ellen’s wearing horizontal stripes. They don’t make her look fat, but it’s the first time I’ve ever noticed that she has actual boobs. I predict after seeing this she will never wear horizontal stripes ever again.

Skara waves her entire arm at the pit to try and avoid jiggling, but it doesn’t work. She should just put her arm down. Her eyes are completely black again today, which means Satan has decided the Final Three ep is worthy of his presence.

Simon looks like he always looks. Red/brown, chewy, and bored.

Tonight, each of the finalists will sing two songs. One they choose, and one the judges choose. Man I wish Paula was here. Her suggestions were always the most torturous. I don’t plan on any of these snore judges to choose YMCA for Lee, and you know with Paula there would at least be a chance.

Casey Prettiness is singing “Ok Is Alright with Me”, and says that he feels like he wrote this song. I can see that. It’s simple, repetitive, and has really good hair. He smiles tensely throughout, and he’s got his bff guitar with him. Pitchwise, he’s a bit all over the place and this isn’t really a vocal showcase, but with Pretty you just have throw your hands up in the air and touch your nipples. I can’t believe he’s singing “OK is alright with me.” Like go fuck yourself, I’m fine being mediocre. That should be the theme song for the season. Overall, he scores a WTF. At least Raggedy Anne liked it.

Randy laughs evilly and says that the lyrics fit the performance because it was ok at best. Pretty seems totally clueless at this point, but that quality’s gotten him this far, so who knows? Ellen agrees that this is the live or die or sink or swim or rightie tightie leftie loosie moment and he needed to do more. Skara says that she doesn’t even have an erect labia after that performance. Simon says that it’s the most important night of his life and that was a shitty salad course. Ouch. He called you SALAD!! He may as well have used the c word. Poor Tink. even Pretty’s mic stand is taller than he is.

Crystal Organic Joplin is next. You know what? I HATE the nickname OrganicJoplin. I gave her that lame moniker when I thought she wouldn’t make it to the top 12. I think we should start calling her Hobo Harriet. And…done.

Hobo is bringing out the big guns tonight. A guitar, a harmonica, and really ratty hair. I feel sorry for that poor harmonica, cuz rotting teeth breath is not pleasant for anyone. Human or harmonica.

She’s singing “Come to My Window”, because she’s always dreamt of having one. When she gets one, she’ll sing “Somewhere Out There.” She says the song is about passion, love, and screaming. Lots and lots of screaming.

She starts with the harmonica, but it sounds weird. I think the harmonica is holding it’s breath. How is Hobo thin as a stick one week and a little hippy the next? I change weight really fast too, but it’s always up and up. I am jealous of a hobo. That’s what this show has done to me. She’s singing into her mic lamp thing, and I wonder if the family she stole that off of has noticed it yet watching this at home.

She’s a little off today, and her big scream note is garbled and crackly. Ouch. It doesn’t get better as the song goes on. Her voice is trashed. At least her boyfriend is dressed for success.

No one in the welfare line is gonna look cuter.







Randy blames the arrangement, but when he gets booed he changes his tune and says he liked that Hobo sounded great. WHAT?!?!? COME ON!! That was hideous! Ellen tries to be serious and it’s lame. She says Melissa would be proud. Of course she would say that. Gay mafia alert! Skara sounds disappointed and says Hobo needs a “moment” but gives her credit for a good vocal. This is bullshit. Simon says it was not stunning but he likes that she hasn’t compromised herself. Yes she has! She’s letting her hair grow out and she’s wearing makeup and ball gowns and shit. WHAT. EVER.

Hobo says that she’s just grateful for her son and her mic stand. No one applauds, and she looks like she’s gonna sob. Please do. It will probably sound better than the throat fart you just laid on us. Lee has figured out my trick for getting a thinner face in pictures.

Arial shots.

The kids got to go home this week, and Tink says that Lee came back a different person. Has he finally morphed into a total douche? That’s the best part of watching this show progress. Time will tell. For now, he stutters and mutters blandly about how awesome the AT&T store was. He’s singing “Simple Man” cuz “when yer, when yer, when you understand something you can sing it better.” Umkay, simple man.

He’s in full on nasal growl off key mode tonight. He does seem different. More comfortable. He even walks around! WOWEE! He has more than a few stinkers, but he isn’t consistently off key til he’s wailing towards the end. His last note isn’t even close, and he cuts off the band like three seconds after they’ve stopped playing. LOL. This is possibly the worst final three in history.

Randy loved it! Ellen looks like she’s seasick.

Ellen says he went from tiny lamb to scary leopard or something. Skara says everyone needs to be as good as him.

Let me guess. Home schooled?



Lee tells Simon he chose the song cuz mutter stutter duh der huh what I dunno fuuun. Simon thinks it was on the money and calls the perf brilliant. I have never seen Lee smile this much. It makes me uncomfortable. On our way to break, we see Pretty with Skara. Subtle, you two.

Home visits! Pretty goes to Texas!

Sorry, lady, you’re a little young for me.

The only people in Pretty’s crowd are little girls. And maybe a couple of super creepy guys.

Yikes. This is how I felt when I saw Sex and the City in the theater.

Even dead teens love him!







Randy and Skara have chosen “Daughters” by John Mayer. They seem to be the only people voting this season, so it good choice. Randy says that John Mayer is a good goal for Pretty, and Skara says that to stay in the competition, Pretty has to be vulnerable and naked. He needs to know his audience, which are prepube girls. Skara’s annoying, but she’s not stupid.

Pretty doesn’t seem to know what to do with this song at first. I mean with the notes. As in…how to hit them. As he warms up to it, he sounds pretty good and Skara’s right that this is the type of song he should be singing. It’s only a matter of time before he’s dumping Jennifer Aniston.

It’s easy, one note, and only has a couple of reach moments. Both of which he misses. I think he fucks up his guitar playing too. I’m surprised that Pretty did’t get better and better. He seems to have slid backwards. His last note is wack. Lame. If you get thirty seconds to sing and ten of that is playing guitar, you’ve done something wrong. Why? WHY?

Randy says that he hated the first song but loved this one. Ellen thinks he will have lots of mothers and daughters and sons voting for him. Ellen is one big gay joke. Skara credits herself for making the right choice while Simon openly laughs at her. LOL. Simon says the arrangement is lazy and the ending guitar solo was limp. Skara argues that it was all about emotion and if he’s limp it’s cuz he didn’t take his vitamins. Simon says that she should have rewritten a climax for him. HAHAH I LOVE SIMON.

Ellen chose Hobo’s song, but Melissa Ethridge was already chosen so I’m guessing KD Lang or Clay Aiken. During break, the news tells us about a school that teaches autistic kids to be rock stars. It’s heart warming. And ear shattering.

In good old fashioned SILENCE.







Hobo Harriet went back to Ohio to check out her crowd. They are way scragglier than Pretty’s.

Finally, dirty hair has found something to cheer for.



Hobo is handed a cell phone to read her text and she tries to run off with it. Security takes her into custody and announces that Ellen has chosen “Maybe I’m Amazed” by Paul McCartney. So not a lesbian. I’m disappointed. Dude. Hobo’s crowd is scaring me. This lady is screaming like a trailer on fire.

Skara’s fakeness just kills me. Before she sees the cam:

Why is she still sitting next to me?

After she sees the cam:

Yay Price is Right!

Ellen wants to show that Hobo has range. Hobo has some issues at first. She’s tapping her foot way faster than the song and she’s not happy just singing the soft parts. She has to yell, and it kills the notes. The song pumps up and she gets some of the yells right and then moves into soft high notes with ease. And then more yelling. She doesn’t change the lyrics and keeps it “I’m a man and you’re a woman.” LOL. Her yelling is more tired than ever by the end. Damn girl. She doesn’t look like that was easy.

I need a cigarette.



Randy shouts that it was a great song and great vocals. I can’t get behind it cuz it’s another song my dad sang in the car trying to calm down after my mom chased him through the house with a wooden spoon. And yes they’re still married. Heaven for all of us.

Ellen loved it, and Skara says that that was a totally different side of Hobo’s voice. How? It was yell and then more yell. “You really pushed.” Exactly. She’s gonna need adrenaline shots on her vocal chords by the time you torturers are done with her. Simon is sure she will be in the finals.

Not gonna lie. I’m a little worried.



Lee goes home too, and you can tell he’s the fave cuz Simon chose his song and he doesn’t have to go to the AT&T store.

Simon chose “Hallelujah”. Ugh. Cuz we haven’t heard that song eight million times on this show. Way to force him to be original, Si! Well, at least it will mean less growl shouting (in theory) and it’s a gorge song. Simon says he chose it cuz he likes Lee as a person and he needs a moment. Cuz NO ONE has had one yet.

Simon was right about this being a good one for Lee. He sounds great at first, and even throws in some high notes. Sure, they’re off key by the end of the run but still. I’ve never heard this song shouted before. But at least it’s different. Lee may not be capable of a moment on his own, so Simon has sent him out with a black army.

He has shouted so much that at the end, he just sighs into the mic. That has to be the biggest, most masturbatory version of that song I have ever heard. It’s also the first time I have heard it that I felt nothing. Meet your new American Idol! Blame the economy. We blame it for everything else.

Simon gives an “I told you so” look to the other judges, and Ellen smiles politely. Randy says that he has been waiting all season for someone to make an attempt to win and that was it! That’s sad. Lee thanks Simon and then stutters and mutters. Ellen calls the performance stunning, and Skara says that Lee is what the show is all about. He was poor and now he gels his hair. It was epic! Simon is proud of him and Lee cries. Oh wah. Shave. It’s more productive. I have no hate for Lee, just shrugs.

Pretty is the obvious pic to go tomorrow, but I have a feeling it might be Hobo Harriet! Now let’s listen to Lee stutter and mutter about absolutely fucking nothing for awhile. Or not. FF.

Me and my sister in a few decades. I’m the blonde.

Golden Girl and drag heel bathtub!

Jesus. Could you be a little more specific?







I would show you pics of drunks peeing in the streets and the old black lady beating a horse buggy driver with her cane, but we’re not here for my trip pics. This is my New York office (Starbuccios). And THIS! IS AMERICAN IDOL RESULTS!







We open with soft tinkly music.

The Titanic 2: We shouldn’t have thrown Paula overboard.

The story of a girl who can wash half of her hair.

A paint mixer with the personality of plain frozen yogurt.

A pretty guy with an addiction to conditioner.

And a giant trying to make a comeback after Green Mile.

Crystal OrganiJ’s voiceover says “This is what I was born to do! Panhandling was just a hobby. I plan on keeping that up to stay humble.” Lee says “I dream about this every night. And a chunky Mexican with Ugly Betty glasses.” Casey Prettiness says “This is the biggest thing that’s happened to me in my whole life!” Really, Pretty? Bigger than the time you installed that new toilet in your DIY house in the middle of nowhere? WOWEE! Green Mile says “This is a one shot deal for me.” Actually, it’s your second. Shut up and wear a tiny hat I can mock.

I made some t-shirts. One says “I am going to give you advice that will lead to a horrid performance” and the other says “My advice will lead to a mediocre coma inducing performance”.







Again, the rock music and inspirational edits make the performance show look awesome. “Brilliant!” “You’re fighting!” “Best moment of the season!” I wish that they could cut in the comments me and my friend A made during the show. “YOU SUCK!” “That sounded like a baby moose getting kicked in the womb!” “How can you charge people to work them out when you have to buy three plane seats?!?”











This lady looks totally pissed that her gay husband dragged her here.

Tinkercrest comes out and tells us that there were thirty seven million votes last night, which is the highest tally of the season. Seeing as how that’s like fifty million less than any other year, it’s pretty sad. Bon Jovi’s here! He’s still alive? Fantasia’s here! I hope they pass around a collection plate so she can pay the mortgage. Daughtry’s here! I like him, so I will leave him alone. I hope he’s wearing a lot of eyeliner and five inch pumps. Poor guy has Burt Reynolds syndrome. They should really lower the height requirement at Disneyland so the guy can get some confidence. Could you imagine going your whole life without riding Space Mountain at least once?

Let’s say hi to the judges! Randy’s in his Mister Rogers sweater. As if knowing that we will be making fun of that, he gives us a giant “FUCK YOU”.

Ellen’s starting to look like her stand in. Skara shows off her creepy arms.

Simon won’t stop shaking her arm, and she gets pissed. I don’t blame her. She could die of Shaken Cougar Syndrom. It’s a huge problem. Look it up.

Tink tells us that Fantasia has had a hit career, which is hilarious. Don’t get me wrong, I bought her albums (well I downloaded them off a torrent site. But I bought the computer that downloaded them. On a credit card that got cancelled cuz I never paid the bill. I forgot my point), but I wouldn’t call her career successful. Hilarious? Yes. Heartbreaking? Yes. Unintelligible? Yes. In other words, YAAAAY FANTASIA!!!

She comes out with a bowl haircut and breathes heavily into the mic. Say what you want about my Tasia. Bitch can SANG. Even if they’re songs that don’t rhyme or make any kind of sense.

A nice satisfying bowl of Fruit Loops.

She’s in some tight ass leather pants. That girl’s been on the stairmaster! Last time she was here she looked like she ate Ronald McDonald. She’s so talented that JHud is willing to do backup for her.

Simon talks through her performance like he’s in a club. Respect the Tasia Simon! In his defense, he might be asking Skara wtf Tasia’s saying. Something about not being over me. Fitting that she’s on this week cuz she really won this thing when she sang Summertime during movie week. She also sang some nasty ass improvised song to Jamie Foxx at Clive Davis’ party. Those two have something sweaty going on. It’s about 5:40 in this video, right after Jamie screams “Don’t be afraid if you chocolate!”

This is why I love Fantasia.







That song is totally about molesting an underage girl, and they totally commit to it. Back to the show. Fantastia is talking about how someone’s gonna get hurt. Jamie, probably. She’ll crush him with those tight leather thighs. She riffs all over the place and doesn’t stop. It’s like another language. I would put it into Google translate if I didn’t think its head might explode. Tink makes fun of her for not putting enough heart into it. LOL. She says that she hasn’t had an album for three years and she wrote a bunch on this one. That explains a lot. Her daughter is nine now and taller than Simon. BWAHAHAHAH. I wish she could compete every season. It would be fun for me, and she does best when she’s struggling. It’s hard to defend my love for Tasia when she sings dumb ass songs like that, so here’s her at the Tony Awards.

And…..sob.







How come Lee looks so angrily confused every time the camera is on him? And why is OrganiJoplin wearing a t-shirt with boob cancer on it?

You should get that checked out.



And now for the Ford ad! Hey! This is the same set as last week, but with Spanish written all over the signs.

Now let’s wait for five minutes while Green Mile tries to shut the door. Poor guy. They should just tow him.

I shaved! This show is changing my life!

The kids travel all over the world in their crappy car and are mocked by all races and creeds. And no matter where they go, Green Mile still can’t fit into that little death box.

Everyone gets to dress up in different country’s wares, but poor Green Mile just gets to stay black and proud. How come he never gets to have any fun? He didn’t get to be a vampire either.

They’re just jealous of your giant tits.



I think that the moral is no matter the country, Fords are busted.

Tink tells us the perks of making it to the final three. You get to make an appearance at an AT&T store! LOL. That’s really high class shit right there. I wonder if halfway through the appearance the call is dropped.

Video of past home visits are as yawny as they were the first time around. I didn’t remember Taylor Hicks getting booed on his home visit. I think someone just threw a Diet Coke can at his head. Wait. That was me! I remember that like it was yesterday.

Green Mile says he wants to get to the final three cuz he wants to go home and see his puppy. His over emotional wife and his whiny brat are making him insane cuz Idol will only pay for one hotel room. Cheap bastards! OrganiJ says that she misses the corner of Hope and Less the most in her town, and she can’t wait to go back there and make her tin can jingle again. Lee says he wants to just sit in his parents’ house without any cameras there. HA. That will never happen again. At least this year. I’m sure by 2012 you will be back there permanently without cameras. Of course I said that about Mandisa too and she’s still a huge star. I haven’t seen her on TV or anything, but you know she’s still huge.

Prettiness says he wants to hear people say “y’all” again. He’s growing a toupee on his lip.

I think that caterpillar took fertility drugs, cuz the cocoon is full of octuplets.



The families of the Top 4 are on stage. Good. I hope we can kick them off one by one. Green Mile’s wife grates on my damn nerves and the dude next to her is wearing a penis shirt. Classy.

Bill Clinton is still here supporting Prettiness, probably cuz he can get Bill the most pussy.

Lee’s mom has that same slanty smile as Lee. Dishrag personalities run in the family.

OrganiJop’s boyfriend grosses me out. He looks like a demon. And he’s not even wearing jogging pants today so I am mad. At least be entertaining, ya hick! I wonder if tonight’s the night he proposes to her onstage. You know it’s coming.

Time for results! Tink reminds us that Ellen’s lesbionic. Green Mile says his duet “spoke to who we are as men.” What did they sing again? Brick House? Fat Health Professionals? I forgot already, so it must have been awesome. A pigeon just pooped on my mousepad. WTF? This city is so gross.

Prettiness is safe!! Sweet! I don’t need to hear him sing more, but you can never have too much good hair on TV. How is he safe? He sucked the most right? Well, Lee did, but you know he’s not going anywhere cuz he’s adorable and chunky at the same time, and that’s like the American dream.

Now, let’s watch Chris Daughtry!

No, this isn’t him, but you had to see this lame mustache or I wouldn’t be doing my job.







Chris looks as tiny and cute as ever. He should really make that mic stand lower to heighten him a bit. He’s really mastered his eyeshadow, mascara and eyebrow penciling over the years.

There have been lots of fauxrocks over the seasons, but this one can sing his ass off. Putting him on the same ep as Prettiness and Lee is just a joke. They don’t hold a candle to him. He will be screaming within one minute. On pitch, natch. Chris has always annoyed me, cuz other than too much makeup and general lack of height, there’s not much to make fun of. Well, except his yell faces. Those never get old.

Hey! That’s my purse! Police!

Hey! I’m poopin glass shards over here!

Hey! He’s inside the house!

He’s like the Incredible Shrinking Mary Kay Lady.

Hey! You kicked my wiener!



How he hasn’t lost his voice yet is beyond me. Nice work! You win! There are a couple children not clapping like seals right now. They’re so getting kicked out of the pit!

Tink asks him what it’s like to play arenas, and Chris says that it’s great. Duh. Hey judges, putting humdrum personality aside, what do you think of Daughtry! Ellen says that she’s super proud of Daughtry. LOL acting like you didn’t just get this job. Randy babbles about nothing, and Chris suggests that the Top 3 stay hungry. Tink makes a Green Mile joke. I’m always hungry and I’m poor as fuck. That advice sucks.

More results! But first, let’s look at this old man outside Starbucks with giant balls that have formed male camel toe! I can’t stop staring.

Skara has Farrah hair today, and she looks really pretty. I want to know what she does to keep so gorgeous. I think it has something to do with underage sperm.

That 70′s Ho

She chides Green Mile again for sucking last night. GM says MJ was effortless, but he’s not. Way to stand up for yourself. Lee has some Aunt Bee hair.

Lee, do you think you were too karaoke last night? No, but yes, but I coulda done more but, I guess but no but yeah I don’t but. Debate team alert! Lee is safe! He’s so excited that he tries to lick himself.

Maybe try yoga or something.



He cries a little. AW!! Either Green Mile or OrganiJ is out! GM knows he’s not beating her, and he doesn’t look happy.

Now I have to potty train that fucking dog.



Oh, Crystal’s shirt is penguins. Cuz female penguins fall in love, get knocked up, panhandle to buy diapers, then finally get a proposal when they’re rich and famous and can buy unlimited tacky pajama pants with American flags on them for their mates. Sweet!

Now let’s welcome an example of what too many drugs and Aqua Net can do to a woman.

And Bon Jovi, too!

You should borrow some Aqua Net from that old lady in your band.



I forget, did Bon Jovi used to be a good singer? Cuz he’s kinda busted now. “Lookin for a hero, but it’s just my old tattoo.” Huh? Who’s gonna save you when stars fall from your sky? Not you, you can’t even comb your damn hair. I wanna be your superman tonight. LOL. I can just imagine him running around in underoos. He seems very nice, but he and that old lady are making me kinda nuts. We have enough shitty modern bands, k? I know he still gets some of you all giggly and stuff, so go for it. I’ll wait for you to calm down. Still waiting. Time to turn off the personal appliance and come back to the recap. You done? Ok. Wash your hands.

Back to the show! That’s one shitty wig.

At least steam that thing when you whip it out of the suitcase.

Wow, they’re the number one touring band in the world! I think that says a lot for our taste level. JonBon is a sweet guy and talks about getting his big break when he played at Wilma Flinstone’s bday party all those years ago. He’s a good guy. I just hope I don’t ever have to listen to him again. Lee stutters and mutters about being happy to make it through. He tells Green Mile and OrganiJ how good it feels. LOL. And…..Green Mile’s out! His wife looks really happy for Crystal.

Cover that mole, skank.

Call me! Mean it! If I don’t answer text me! If I don’t reply get some smoke signals in the air! If i don’t smoke back, send a card! With some nickels in it! xomeanitkthnxbye

Uhoh. There she goes.

OH GOD. Now he’ll be home every night. On top of me.

I’m gonna suffocate before I’m thirty.

How do you feel, GM? Like total shit, thanks for askin! We get to remember his journey! His absence for the birth of his child. “Ah well, God has a plan!” Yeah, to get you right close to your top 3 dream and crushing it. LOL, God! You’re one sneaky biatch!

I think this was pretty fair, even though Lee stunk it up more than the rest. Hey, where was Jamie? DAMMIT! I feel robbed! Skara tells GM to record great songs. He should give her the same advice.

Your dad just totally dicked us over.

Please don’t eat me.

We all get that reality isn’t really real on TV. So when Rocky music plays and the audience screams and the judge’s comments are edited down to “in it to win it!” “brilliant vocals!” and “you look thin with the snake hair!” we know it’s an illusion. Sometimes, though, you have to put your foot down and just call bullshit.

Why stop at enlarging the hat? Why not just take away his eight chins and his manboobs too? LIARS!

Last night’s episode was the lowest rated ep since 2002! Isn’t that so sad? We’re lying big tonight though, so Tink tells us that last night there were over thirty zillion votes. There are a lot of deaf people in the world obsessed with voting for things. I blame the hormones in milk. Let’s say hi to the judges! Randy is wearing Michael Kors.

Literally.

Ellen tries to do a Randy impersonation, but she is way too white. And literate. Skara looks beautiful. What has she done? Not that she was ugly before, but the woman is glowing. I think it’s probably some kind of deal with Satan. It would explain the black eyes.

Simon’s changing it up tonight by wearing not only one crappy top, but two! Thankfully, his butt cutt is consistent. I could stare at that thing for hours. I thought it would catch on and become men’s The Rachel, but it didn’t happen. He looks a little scared tonight. And extremely red.

Tink plugs the snot out of the summer Idol tour, and it’s gonna need it. They used to play stadiums, but I’d imagine they’re about ready to move into midsize dinner theaters.

Frank Sinatra Medley time! YAY! The guys start off singing “The Lady is a Tramp”, which of course means Crystal OrganiJoplin is going to be the tramp. LOL yesterday’s recap title. I think it’s kinda rude to call her a tramp on the show seeing as how she was literally a homeless little panhandler and all. If they had a song called “Fat Personal Trainer”, would they sing it to Green Mile? No. No they wouldn’t.

Speaking of GM, he got a hat that fits! I don’t know where they found that, but I suspect this poor guy was recently robbed.

Little Chicken starts off “Very Good Year” and sounds the best that he ever has. Oh yeah. Cuz it’s prerecorded and protoolsed and stuff. But still. I’m in Juddfan’s AI office pool, and almost every single person chose Casey Prettiness to go home tonight. As if sensing it, he does his best to give a little extra movement. It’s hilarious. Poor awkward pretty thing. Not even spirit fingers can make us forget last night.

Guys. Prettiness’ got the world on a string, sittin on a rainbow, got the string around his…..

Pretty, I know they don’t have many TVs round your parts, but the people who need it have closed captioning. Thanks.

“Night and Day” sounds gorge across the board til it gets to Pretty. He sounds like Frank Sinatra, alright. Like, a day before he kicked it. He’s all off key and tired sounding. Man, Prettiness does NOT take criticism well. It’s breaking him. Did you ever think you’d see the day he’d whip out spirit fingers? I rest my case.

When we come back from break, Lee is working on his smiley stage presence.

This week’s Ford music video:

I had change on my nightstand and it’s gone, dammit. Who would have the nerve to steal my CHANGE?

Oh sure, blame the black guy. No way. That’s really racist, and besides, he’s giant.

If you stole my change I’m gonna flatten your face. More.

Hey gay dude, did you steal my change? And when you might wanna change your scarf before you get bashed. This is a shady town!

That guy was hot. But damn he was boring.

Ma’am, did you steal my change?!?

Ummmmm…..stealing’s a very strong word. Could you give me dollars for all these nickels? The waitress is gonna be pissed when I try to pay. Hey, you’re cute!

Did you take a shower? You look lovely! Fine. Keep the nickels. You should be commended for bathing.

Oh god I have to hide the label so the fancy homeless woman doesn’t judge me.

Poor guy! That’s his car?!? I wish I could give him his change back, he needs it more than me. I think I’ll just bang the waiter. He’ll probably have super jingly pockets.

In the end, there’s a super happy ending for Prettiness, who gets his old job back.

Frank Sinatra can kiss my cracker.







Let’s have a look at how Tuesdays have changed for the contestants! Prettiness used to sleep all day, OrganiJop would set her baby down on a corner with an upside down baseball cap in front of it, Green Mile would yell at people in the gym while eating three bags of Wendy’s, Little Chicken would practice getting his fist in his mouth, and Lee would stare at the mirror trying to get his face to look as much like Garfield the Cat’s as possible. Now, THEY’RE FAMOUS!!

We get two full minutes on how they wake up and go eat breakfast. Fascinating. Then, they go to hair and makeup and rehearse. That’s when it gets interesting, cuz we get to see the stand in judges. LOL! They look like the judges would look like without plastic surgery, botox, starvation, cocaine, and Mister Rogers sweaters. FauxRandy is hilarious. He just woos and strings words together that don’t quite match.

Finally, a part for a bull dyke stand in. They don’t come around often.

Tink asks Green Mile if he sleeps ok before the big elimination show, and Green Mile’s all “uhhhh, meh, I don’t know.” Sorry, why don’t you write down a question you like and hand it to Tink, ass. Don’t they rehearse these first? Tink asks Prettiness how he feels going into eliminations after the night without a guitar, and he answers “yeah we all saw how well that worked out.” Aw. But true. It wasn’t just the missing guitar, though. It was also the missing pitch, notes, emotion, and shirtlessness.

Dim the lights! The Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? music plays, and Lee is called up to the stage. Simon says he didn’t watch the show back last night cuz he doesn’t like to see himself on TV. Skara says “I wonder why!” about ten times. No one laughs or listens to her. Simon compliments Lee, and he sounds stuttery and super bored. He’s doing his best to kill this show before he goes. Lee’s safe, duh. He looks totally excited.

Now let’s see what it’s like in a training session for the audience members of American Idol.

And now! Lady Gaga! She got rich and famous and her first purchase was exactly what mine would be. A bendy muscular dude that doesn’t talk.

She’s in a veil and on top of her piano is one of Hambert’s costumes from last year.

If you think about it, Gaga made Hambert’s success possible. How many drag queens got a chance before her? Ru, but that was ages ago and she only had one hit. Thanks, Gaga! The song is about being caught in a bad romance. It’s hard to find winners when you go out looking like this.

Why can’t I just find a nice normal guy with a job?







This number is a representation of gay hell.

Have you ever tried to hide your love handles by wearing bike shorts and pulling them up to your rib cage? This guy has.

Um, isn’t the average audience member age for this season like five? Cuz this is a little disturbing.

When you come across a gay guy, kids, just nail him to a tree.

Take notes, Little Chicken. You’ll be jizzed quizzed later.

Gaga has a big blonde wig just kinda placed on top of her dark hair. She looks like a Rock of Love girl. I miss that skunk hair! Get better Bret Michaels!

The song is called Alejandro, and it’s an homage to Fernando, I think. The guys start marching in a gay military protest dance while Gaga writhes all over the floor. She’s got all this crap obscuring her face, which sounds like a wise business decision.

What you can’t see can’t hurt you.

You know these guys have their families sitting around the TVs watching this with horrified looks on their faces.

Hey! Who lit a match while that angel farted?

The only thing I can think when I look at her is “That bitch stole Linda Granger’s act!”

Tell me I’m wrong.

Now a montage of Harry Connick Jr being a wacky mentor. He’s funny and charming and I love him. He makes fun of OrganiJ’s dead bird earrings and calls Prettiness’ mom to tell her her kid is ugly. LOL. He also tells us that pitchy’s not a word and tells Green Mile to stop whining about having a baby. He makes a crack about Organi’s insulin pump and deadpans to the cameras about what a bore Lee is.

Check, please!

That guy should stick around for the rest of the show’s run. It’s only like a yearlong commitment, you can do it! He comes out to sing, and his vocal style makes much more sense to me now that I know he’s always kidding. I think he might be joking and people who are attracted to his music are so glad to hear these songs again that they take him seriously. I have all his albums, which means I am one of those old fuckers. It’s kind of a character voice, but he’s so commited that I buy it hook line and sinker. I feel like I’m at a retirement party. But there’s no cake. This is the worst retirement party EVAR.

The contestants come out to sing AGAIN. JESUS how long does this need to be? They’re boring and Organi’s mic is turned up louder than everyone else’s. Shocker. FF.

When I press play, Lee and Chicken are harmonizing really well, and Lee looks like he just won a million dollars.

As cheesy as montages are in general, I have to say these are the best they’ve been with Harry at the helm. Ricky Minor’s outside right now keying his car. Harry tells a story about how he played for Frankie’s 75th bday and he was so nervous that he forgot the words and embarrassed himself. Frankie walked out to go up to his room, and Harry followed him into the elevator and introduced himself. He waited for words of wisdom. Instead, Frank just told Harry’s wife she was hot, kissed her all wet on the lips, and left. LOL. And that’s how Harry got herpes. Thanks for sharing!

Organi J is sent to the stage to start a group. Green Mile is sent to a different group. Chicken is sent to Green Mile’s side and Prettiness to Organi’s. Lee has to choose the safe group, but he opts not to. I think Organi and Pretty are. No one’s voting out the only girl and the dude with great hair. YAY! Green Mile and Chicken are in the bottom. Could I actually guess one right? I say Chicken’s out. And…..he is! Aw. Green Mile hugs him too hard and talks in Chicken’s ear. Take your time, dude! This show hasn’t wasted enough time.

Chicken’s end song is as snorey as last night, but more off key. Unfortunately, he doesn’t sob. BOOOOO! He did well this season and really grew a lot. Well, his eyebrows did. Remember when they were shaped like tiny feet?

Those brows have had quite a journey.

See you next time, and thanks for being here!

Tink opens by announcing the contestants on the stairs and waits for the audience to applaud each one. The volume is the same for each. It’s like one of those potato sack races in my kindergarten days where every competitor won a ribbon. Even the one who fell on his face after crying so hard upon finding out the sack wasn’t filled with french fries that his glasses fogged up and blinded him. Potato sack racing. That’s a bullshit sport. Hopping is bad for your knees anyway. Why do I feel like crying right now?

Speaking of potato sacks, Crystal OrganiJoplin isn’t wearing one! She’s wearing a really pretty dress she found out in the studio alley’s dumpster. It smells like old coffee grinds and cat pee, but it sure is fancy!

Tink comes out and blahs a bit, but it’s really fast cuz there’s so. Much. ENTERTAINMENT tonight. Let’s get to it! Randy is in a hot pink/orange sweater tonight, breaking from his Mr. Rogers mold. My five year old niece has like twenty outfits in this color. Janie and Jack to the rescue! Why is he pointing to the sky all the time? Is he crediting God? Cuz crediting God and bragging about your diamonds at the same time is sinful, no? Stop sinning Randy!

Ellen’s in a simple polo, and Skara is wearing giant silver earrings that represent sperm, I think. Someone’s in need of bread in her oven. I think having babies is wonderful. For some people. Not Skara, though. If she whines that much at forty imagine how bad her brat will be. Its first word will be “reeeeelevaaaant!”

Simon is in his typical baby tee. His face is the color of a Hot Pocket left in the microwave too long.

He even spray tans his palms. That’s called commitment.

Let’s start off with something really special! A new group of contestants that can sing on pitch and be engaging at the same time? A Nissan musical number? A switch to Tab? NO! The Rascal Flatts! They’re singing “Unstoppable”, and Skara is very excited. Her sperms start dancing on her head before the song even starts.

The lead singer’s opening riff is the best singing on the show this season. I like these guys. Their music is good, their lead singer eats, and they believe in combovers, fauxhawks and windy face eating bangs all in one cut.

Why have one child’s haircut when you can have three?

Country can get as pop-y as it wants to, but it still makes me feel guilty for not calling my Meemaw more. She’s probably sitting at home covering her ears wondering what happened to the Mandrell Sisters. That Rascal fellow can sure riff out of his nose well. I wonder what happens when he gets a head cold. Snot. EVERYWHERE. His vocals get a little shady as the song goes on. Verging on bad. But when he’s good he’s good. I just feel like I should be supportive of chunky people cuz we need to work too.

Shakira’s here, and she’s gonna sing with the Rascal Flatts later, which should be hilarious. Poor band is sweaty from standing in place for four minutes. Shakira’s gonna give them all heart attacks. Have you guys ever wondered what happens backstage at a Ford ad music video shoot? Me neither. Let’s find out anyway. This week’s theme is vampires. Thankfully, vampires are like humans in that they only have to wash their hair when they feel like it.

Poor thing. They added lipstick and figured she looked dead enough.

The makeup artist tells us that the goal was to make the kids look “like undead vampires.” As opposed to dead dead ones, cuz that would be redundant and who wants to drive a Ford with double dead in it? Who wants to drive a Ford? Little Chicken smiles while he gets makeup and says earnestly “I’ve never been a vampire before.” Then I hit my head on my desk. I don’t want to take anything away from makeup lady, cuz I know she’s doing the best she can, but some of this makeup is just bad.

Garfield got rabies.

Give Sio her teeth back!

And now for the vampire ad!

The vampires all come out in the daylight and disintegrate on the spot. Well that was anticlimactic. At least they won’t have to drive a Ford!

Green Mile is playing the victim cuz the producers are afraid of putting him in whiteface. Either because he would come of as racist or looking like Louie Anderson. Both reasons are valid.

Death is not an excuse to avoid the orthodontist.

Green Mile drives up in a Ford. Once the vampires stop laughing at him, they surround him to attack. He fights them…with a pizza. LOL!

Must have been a rough day at that personal trainer gig.

The vampires all disappear, leaving Green Mile to cruise for sex, or whatever the hell he’s doing driving around the forest alone at night with his top down. Man I wish there was more advertising on this show. Every second that passes by that isn’t plugging something is just a damn waste. Simon’s mortgage isn’t gonna pay itself. Wait! Here we go! A plug for the new Shrek movie! Tink has a role in it. Disney is so suing Dreamworks.

The contestants get to the voice set, and Doolittle is there to welcome them.

Little Chicken is already bored. He’s got little elf sideburns. The hairdressers on this show have a sense of humor, I’ll give them that.

Have you found Zelda yet?

Tink is even short in cartoons. The kids all get to do some lines for the Shrek characters and then watch a screening. Then they meet a throng of tiny little Doolittle fans. Man, kids are really into gospel these days, huh?

Praise the Lord!

Cameron Diaz and Antonio Banderas are here to plug the movie! Cameron babbles on about how deep Shrek is and how it’s about beginnings and endings. OK Beaches. Has Cameron Diaz ever seen herself in a movie? Shhhh, Cameron. Shhhhh. Inside Hacktor’s Studio. Tink points out that Antonio’s gotten kinda fat. How rude! Antonio says it’s cuz seeing himself looking so ugly in Shrek made him cryeat. In other words, Melanie Griffith is psycho and she’s sucking out his will to live.

Time for some results! Tink is forming three groups of two. Sio is first. She looks like she’s auditioning for a phone sex infomercial.

This is $3.99 a minute. Could you talk a little faster?

She tells Tink it was wicked cool to sing in front of Shania even if Simon said she sounded like a baby being born. Little Chicken is next. Tink tries to bait Randy into saying “wheelhouse” again, but he doesn’t. Tink asks Simon why he called Green Mile’s performance “wet and girly”, and Simon says that’s how it would have sounded if Tink sang it. Dumbest slam ever, but it’s great that they found a way to get a gay joke in there at least once this week. Lee is sent to stand with Sio.

Casey Prettiness is next. Skara says she believes in him not only cuz he’s hot, but cuz he’s also really hot. Then her sperms swing in excitement.

Songs are like flowers and you’re like the best gardener ever. Now get over here and fertilize me.

Pretty is sent to stand with Green Mile. Crystal OrganiJopplin is wearing a bag of mange tonight.

Ell says that OrganiJ isn’t in danger and won’t even be in the bottom three. She’s sent to stand with Chicken Little. Tink rearranges Sio and puts her next to Green Mile and Prettiness. They are the bottom three! Well, you can’t just kick off MexiGokey every week. As fun as it would be.

Carrie Underwood’s here! Not to sing, but to introduce her opening band, Sons of Sylvia! She’s not even holding a little Nintendo. Advertising opportunity lost. What a waste of five seconds. The guys in the band are all super cute and super young and I hope they make a Threequel.

Christmas, Christmas time for cheer!

Shouldn’t you guys be in school? They’re not terrible, but I’m bored. So is this guy.

I don’t really get it, but I like that the lead singer whips out a violin in the middle of the song. He only really plays one note over and over. Madonna has really ruined lead singer instrument playing for everyone. The song about is getting dumped, I think. Who would break up with him? He’s cute and he knows how to play a note on the violin. That’s marriage material.

And now for Lady Antebellum singing “Need You Now.” Is it weird that I’m annoyed by so much music on a music show? I want more Ford commercials!

I’ve seen this lead singer before! She was on top of my trashcan trying to get to the pizza box I left in there. I hit her with a broom, and now I feel terrible about it.

This is a nice chill depressing country song about getting dumped. Jesus. Are there any people in country music who can keep a relationship going? I love the Stevie Nicks muumuu thing she’s got going on. That style doesn’t get enough play in modern times. “It’s a quarter after one and I’m drunk and I need you now.” Most gut wrenching booty call of all time. All I ever get are “are you home and did you take a shower?” This song really makes me realize that I need to demand more romance from people who will bone me but not date me. Thanks, Lady!

Shakira and Rascal Flatts are next, and Shakira just arrived. LOL. I love her. Shakira’s busy. Tell her five minutes before she has to go on and she’ll have someone helicopter her over from the Library. Shakira makes me happy because she makes me feel less alone. I’m not the only one who’s built their entire wardrobe around Charo outfits from the 80′s version of Hollywood Squares.

She’s not singing in a bikini tonight, so just to remind us she’s super sexy she opens by blowing. Into a harmonica. Sorry, but that only conjures up images of Taylor Hicks, and that’s never good. Guess what this song is about? Getting your heart broken. If someone as hot as Shakira can’t keep a man, I’m done. My aunt LuLu is ninety and she’s never been married. She outlived all of her sisters. Coincidence? No. You won’t break your heart if you don’t use it. Most depressing advice ever? Possibly. But look how happy LuLu is!

Dogs don’t talk back and they don’t expect you to wear heels.

Shakira has some gypsy dancers, but she doesn’t let us see them too much. Stop being insecure, Shakira! Actually, now that I look at this pic, I can see that she’s trying to cover up her backup dancer’s vag shot.

Totally acceptable. Just please don’t show a chunky woman in a bra.

I like the song, and the dancing reminds me of the Lebanese birthday parties I grew up with. My mom is convinced that the belly dancer at my seventh birthday turned me gay. She might be right cuz as I watch this I regret not having something glittery to put on to dance around the house in. Tink asks Shak for some advice for the singers and she quotes Roosevelt: “Getting married is getting buried”? No! “Keep your eyes on the stars and your feet on the ground.” Tink points out that Casey Kasem said that too. Roosevelt/Casey Kasem? Same diff. They were both pioneers that made 97 percent of this audience turn to their moms and say WHO?

Back to results! Tink asks Green Mile how depressing it is to be in the bottom yet again. Green Mile got a free pizza this week so he’s all good. And he’s safe! His wife goes ape shit.

I sincerely hope this kid doesn’t cheat on her.

So it’s between Prettiness and Sio! Sio’s out!! Wow! That’s a shocker. Well, not really. Oh man! Tink says she’s a super hard worker. How…sweet. She veeeery slowly says that she hopes she showed her sisters what they’re capable of.

AW! Poor Sio! She was my fave! Even though she’s kinda blown it a couple weeks in a row. I’m gonna miss her screech and her slow talking and her cupcake tights! I don’t think this is unfair, necessarily, but love her or hate her you have to admit it was fun to see what crazy ass shit she was gonna pull out week to week. She sings “Think” as her final song. Meh. The camera focuses in a sad woman and then slowly pans down to her boob to show a Sio pin. I don’t know why that cracks me up, but it does. It’s like fan porn.

There’s a lot of time left at the end of the song, so we get to see her family sob. Her mom says “you’re still our star!” Jeeze lady she’s not getting sent to the glue factory. Just a cheaper hotel room. See you guys next week for Harry Connick Jr week!

What a slut talent!

A paint salesman! A twink with a fauxhawk! A weirdo obsessed what makes glass clink! A panhandling hippie with missing teeth! A giant! A really pretty guy with gorgeous hair!

These, are young poor people ! And THIS! IS AMERICAN IDOL!

Tinkerscrest runs his tiny little ass up all those stairs and back down again because he’s paid many millions of dollars a year and shit just don’t come for free, k? Just imagine his journey:

I can’t even get to my kitchen that fast and it’s like two feet away.

Scanning the big glittery science fair project fan signs, I feel bad for Sio. No one really knows how to rhyme her name or turn it into a cute pun. She’s a glass blower, so I wish someone would run with that. Like, Sio can make me a vase anytime! Or just SIO BLOWS! But she’d probably start crying and then go off on a really slow tangent filled with excuses for why her parents named her Siobhan but call her Shavaun.

How…creative.

Tink thanks us, er, you, for donating so much money last week on Idol Gives Back! I say thank you for lending  us Annie Lennox in an HIV POSITIVE t-shirt. Twitter’s vagina almost exploded over that one. It was also nice of Joss Stone to show up without underwear and grind herself at that old dude dressed like Liza, if only for the nightmares I’ve had every night since about running from something so terrifying my mind won’t let me see it.

Gives Back raised forty five million bucks, and they will be distributing that money to forty five million charities. There might not be much actual cash when all is said and done, but don’t worry starving African kids. Nothing curbs your hunger like a Diet Coke, and I think since you were on American Idol those are free for the rest of your lives. Or something.

Let’s say hi to Randy and Ellen while Skara and Simon giggle and do their best to pretend they’re the only ones at Judges’ Table. Randy shows us his diamonds and his Mister Rogers sweater of the week. What happens to a person that they wake up one day and say “I’m gonna wear a different old man sweater every single day this year!” ? What ever he’s going through, I hope I don’t catch it. The diamonds I’ll take.

Ellen is in a hoodie and a boy’s windbreaker. She looks like Justin Bieber without water for a month or oversized baseball caps.

Skara is wearing jewels that look like the inside of a smoker’s lungs.

Tink intros Simon as “the fountain of youth”, and of course Simon is sporting a tight shirt showcasing his c cups, a butt cut from the fifties and a face smothered in colored cancer so he takes it as a compliment.

There’s only one month til the finale!! Tink tells the audience to shout out their pick for the winner and gets back a resounding “PUUULLL THE PLUUUUUUGGG! CANCEL IT! CANCEL IT!” Then they throw lettuce and tomatoes and diapers at Tink and we cut to commercial. When we come back the audience has been replaced by footage from the Latin Grammys’ audience. Well hello, top 6! Sio has some really smart friends, you guys.

Tonight we’re celebrating Shania Twain! I’m not a betting man, but I’ll wager that none of her advice will include the sentence “wear a bra.”

If this is gonna be about boobs then Green Mile already won. No fair! Now for a video package showcasing Shania’s…talents. Every shot is of her in a bikini or a bra. Seriously. Every. Single. One. Good news! Shania’s brought along an idea board for Little Chicken’s first album cover!

Her latest album has sold more than any other woman’s in history! Sorry Patsy Cline! You were a visible rack and a pair of Mrs. Roeper pajamas away from history!

This is the second time we’ve seen Shania this season. The first time was when she was eye raping that poor sweaty hippie rocker kid in auditions. She tells us how amazing it is that she writes all her songs “just on a guitar!” Really? I thought coming up with something as intricate as “You’re Still a Woman” would require a marching band and a bartender, at the very least. She’s supportive, sweet, and nervous that her songs will suck more than they currently do after tonight in people’s minds.

She’s in the crowd tonight, and she’s not showing arms or cleave! Cuz she’s an artist m’kay? Or she doesn’t want those attributes to overshadow the eighty pounds of fake hair sewn onto her head.

She jokes that it was odd making the guys sing such girlie songs but gives them credit for being a generally effeminate enough group to pull it off.

Lee’s up first with “Still the One”. After a way too long hug, Shania worries that he’s rushing the guitar. Why she didn’t point out that he growl shouted every single note off key, I can’t know for sure. But I suspect that it’s because he’s got a hose and she’s got a gravel garden. We know this one’s a horny toad. She comes around and suggests he soften it up a lot with just his voice and the piano at first. Best. Advice. Of the season.

The start is a bit off key. As he gets into it, he sounds like he might veer off course singing that softly, but he doesn’t. He sounds beautiful and makes the song his own. Util he shits all over it will that off key yell. OUCH, dude. It’s especially painful at first when he’s trying to transition out of his soft voice. He holds a growl for a few seconds and it sounds like a caveman finding out he was paying too much for auto insurance. At the end, he can’t go back down into his soft voice without growling. Awesome first ten seconds though. He’s also loosened up a lot tonight. He’s eyefucking the cameras like a pro and even acting all sexy/douchey. AW! Hollywood has finally started to blow up his head a little. Congrats! You’re on the road to being a true stah!

Unfortunately, for every one sexy face there are six “I think I’m pooping out a whole turkey” faces.

It’s one of Randy’s fave songs evah and even though Lee started off pitchy he “did pretty good.” Ellen says she wants to get aboard the Shania Twain. I’ll bet you do. Skara says that that was very relevant. She’s stretching tonight, you guys! I don’t know if this is relevant, but Skara is turning into Janis Dickinson.

She says he’s really grown and even smiled a little! Simon thought it was the perfect song for him and he did it justice even though he made some funky faces. LOL. Skara interrupts by yelling about his smile, and Ellen just wants to be as far away from that needy insecure camera hog as possible.

Tink is thrilled that Lee is happy. A little too thrilled.

Did you guys know that Lane Bryant got their asses censored by FOX last week for showing this chick in a bra?

Speaking of rudeness to overweight people, why is Green Mile singing “It Only Hurts When I’m Breathing”? Are the lyrics about walking around the block? And why is he already trying to outboob Shania?

His voice sounds gorgeous in rehearsal, and Shania tells him not to take his staggering talent for granted and actually try to feel something instead of just vocally jerking off all over us. Shania talks funny. Is that an English accent? She is very moved by his voice. To prove it, she shakes her head like Katherine Hepburn sitting for a portrait and pouts like she’s super into the song.

Green Mile starts the song sitting on the stairs. Oh shit I hope Debbie’s not hanging out around there cuz lighting can strike twice. I don’t know if I’ve ever heard this song, but it rhymes “bad” with “sad” so I’m confident I can keep up. As usual, Green Mile’s voice is stunning and as he sings like a little angel I’m looking around the house and trying to convince myself that one of these days I’m gonna clean it. Then I start picking at my toenails. Then I search through my outgoing mail box to see if I sent my taxes yet. Shit I really need to get on that. I’m supposed to be doing something right now. I turn back to the TV just in time to see a pic of Shania trying to cry morph with a shot of Green Mile ejaculating. For one second, we get to see what Shania would look like with Green Mile’s giant nostrils, and it’s not pretty. She’s gonna be so mad when she watches this.

Green Mile is one talented mofo, there’s no denying it, but man he bores. Is it charisma he’s lacking? Personality? Stah powuh? Humility? Boob tape? I just don’t know. His ending fals note is flawless, and it happens at the same time as my third yawn. Shania even kinda gets some tears almost ready to drop! Too late!

Randy says that there’s a huge wide open space for Green Mile. I hope so. He’ll need it. Ellen says she was worried but he came off as Luther Vandross and sounded beautiful. Way to find a fat black dude to compare him to. Skara thinks Green Mile was connected and put his mark on the song. Simon agrees with the Luther comparison but thinks the performance was too wet. No one knows what that means. Well, at least GM made something besides himself wet tonight.

Shania shouts in her weird accent about how much Green Mile gets her. Ellen looks at her and turns back like “you’re a fucking idjit. Wanna come over for a picnic?”

Prettiness is next! Tink reminds him about how lame the judges thought he was last week, which is uncool cuz Pretty looks nervous. He says that to prepare, he went home and watched all of his performances and realized that he may not give the judges anything new but goddamn he’s handsome. Then he gave himself a hot oil treatment and put some curlers in. Shania tells him to try and internalize her…song. Prettiness’ goal is to sing a singing song. On a singing show. That sounds like a good idea. To…sing. Now let’s take a moment to see what Skara looks like before she knows the camera is on her…

Drew Carey foiled me again!

…and after she knows the camera is on her.

I love children and animals!

Sing he does. He’s looked at as the boner maker of the show, but vocally he’s in direct competition with Lee, and he wipes the floor with him. The song is a little blah and he looks sorta terrified. I think it’s cuz of that high note. He made it, but just barely. He’s shaky by the end, but it was definitely one of his better performances. Shania is crying. Reba is thrilled.

Randy says it’s one of Prettiness’ best evah! Ellen thinks that’s how all his songs should be and it was his best. Skara says don’t hide the good bad or ugly. Well, maybe the ugly. If you have any. Simon thinks it was amazing and makes him kiss Shania on the lips. HAHAH! Shania is paid in molestation opportunities. I love this show.

Next up are dirty knees and a dress that looks like an armadillo freshly hit by a semi.

Crystal OrganiJoplin has a Shania autograph on her famous women guitar. You guys, is OrganiJoplin a stalker? She’s got a lot of sigs on that thing. As she talks about how Shania glows with positivity, I imagine Shania having security escort a weird dirty teenager away from her trailer and then spraying herself down with Febreeze.

OrganiJ is singing “No One Needs to Know”, which sounds like the title of a Lifetime Movie. I’m uncomfortable. Shania says that she should happy it up a little and stop being so depressing. OrganiJ says this is a message to her boyfriend. The lyrics are sad. They’re about how one day when they have a baby she’ll finally make him tell his friends about her. Um…the baby’s like two. I hate to be the one to tell you this cuz you’re talented and seemingly very sweet, but HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.

She’s back on the guitar for this one with more of a bluegrass sound. She even softens up and goes into her head voice. NICE! She sounds great, and it’s the most original she’s sounded the entire season. Until her Janis shout at the end. Still, great work lady! I just threw some laundry quarters at the TV.

Randy seems bored but is glad she country-ed it up. Ellen says it wasn’t her best performance but still brilliant. Weird. I think it was her best. It was nice not to hear her sound like a shout-y bar hag hack. Skara says she missed the yelling, and OrganiJ argues that bigger isn’t always better. Another message to the boyfriend. Simon says “we didn’t like Crystal this week” and compares her to a mariachi band in a coffee shop. OUCH! OrganiJ says it’s ok and she still loves him. Well glad you approve. Stop talking. We get a shot of the boyfriend. He’s a total elf faced shlubby pit stained prize.

OrganiJ, honey, you’re famous now. Moveon.org.

Organi says she had fun and she thanks the band and she’s coming off as a little defensive. She doesn’t cry though, and it’s nice to see a contestant with some bawls. And also nice to see that even with Tim Helmut Lame gone, someone’s still having fuuuuuun!

A giant roid rage-y boxer slapped around a porn star? Absolutely. SHOCKING. Glad the news is here to sort it all out. Maybe they’ll ask her what she thinks about Wall St. reform.

Little Chicken’s next. Shania loves his choice of “You Got Away”, but thinks that he looks like he’s thinking too hard about hitting notes. She tells him to man up and go to a safe place in his mind while she touches his….fade to black. A BUSE ain’t just a stock exchange in Buenos Aires.

He starts off off key and super shaky. “You got away with me.” This is like listening to a kidnap victim put his emotions to super crappy music. He looks scared shitless the whole time, but his voice warms up a bit once he starts belting. He never looks comfortable and that was one of the most boring songs I’ve ever sat through on country night. There’s usually at least a fun glittery chaps-y number, and I had all my hopes pinned on Little Chicken. Sad horns. Chicken comes off as a cute little puppy that gets kicked around by his owner. And this guy looks like the kicker.

Randy says this is Chicken’s “wheelhouse.” Second time he’s said that tonight. Did someone take a trip to the Cracker Barrel? Randy thinks it was brill, Ellen can’t believe how much emotion and depth he showed. Chicken is 17 now! Skara agrees with Ell and even touches her arm, which is scary. Then she adds that she’s glad he changed the “when we make love” line cuz it would have made her seat wet. He said he was singing to his mom, which makes the whole thing uncomfortable. Simon is still rolling his eyes at Skara, so he looks like a total dick while Chicken is crying about his mom. LOL. He makes nice by saying that Chicken has blown donkey ducks for the past few weeks but tonight he was a true country artist! WOWEE! Good for him. But he’s out.

Sio is singing Shania’s first number one hit! “Any Man of Mine”. It’s about how any man of hers should love her even if she’s ugly. She’s not ugly. But that outfit. Lord. Is that a nuclear bomb going off on her t-shirt? Is she for or against war? I’m so fucking confused. And is it snowing outside? Cuz she looks like she’s about to shovel a driveway.

Shania takes one look at her and says “you always look so pretty…!” like a mom who spits on a hanky to wipe the dirt off your face and then drops you off at Fantastic Sam’s with ten bucks and a note for the barber that says “DO SOMETHING. I DON’T CARE WHAT. Be back in an hour.”

This song is a little too uptempo and one note for Sio, and I am instantly worried for her. She comes out wearing a flowery tight dress with backpack straps. ? She’s going as country as possible tonight, which is a huge mistake. These faces don’t help.

I would not be doing my job if I didn’t help you experience this entire outfit.

Her voice sounds good for most of the song, but she bones more notes than she ever has, and she comes across as a total spaz. I can’t believe she’s doing such a silly ass song when there are only six people left. She needs a great night, and this wasn’t it. She does bring back the shriek thing though, and louder than ever. Then she softens into her head voice and goes back into belt. Vocally she’s got mad skillz but that was not good.

Randy loved loved loved it. Ellen repeats her ride on the Shania Twain joke. LOL. Skara says that Sio’s back! Simon loved the song even though her end screaming was a bit much and she sounded like she was giving birth. HA! The judges are off their rockers tonight. I love me some Sio, but it’s getting harder to root for her week to week. She needs a Summertime moment. Preferably starring Fantasia.

Who are your picks? I say Green Mile, Sio and Little Chicken in the bottom, and Chicken will go. I don’t think I’ve been right yet though so don’t worry. And soapboxx, send me your address for your comment prize from last week! flipit75@gmail.com.

Thanks for being here!

Posh, at least act like you’re not afraid of poor people.

Sea World is doing this huge promo about a Spanish Music show. The commercials play every break. It takes place on Shamu stage, which is just plain awkward. I guess they’re pandering to the Mexicans because they might not have heard about Shamu eating that trainer a couple of months ago on Telemundo.

Play your music all you want. But if you eat fish tacos be sure to wash your hands before you get on that stage.

Guys, Idol Gives Back is all about feeding starving kids right? Then why is their logo an homage to Pillsbury? Whoever designed this should be frosted and baked and served to me.

Hungry yet? Let’s go to Africa!

We open in complete silence, cuz this is a very special episode. Let’s say hi to Obama and Michelle! Obama reads that prompter like a pro. Is he getting whiter? The presidency is like skin bleach. Michelle looks like a slouchy pro wrestler.

Keep it klassy, you two.

Politicians are so full of shit. I don’t care what side of the aisle you’re on. The government needs to deliver my mail, put out a fire in my house if one ever starts, and arrest bad guys. Otherwise, gtfo of my face, k? I’ll reserve my specific judgement on these two until I get my tax return. If I get less back than I did under Bush then I’m writing Lucille Ball into every ballot I ever get ahold of.
Tink comes out and starts guilt tripping us. They should have tried to raise this money before the iPad came out. Sorry, but I’m saving up for that shit. Sorry, Africa! Tink says that he understands that America’s having some tough financial times, but that doesn’t mean we can’t still save lives! No, it just means we’re less inclined to. How bout you and the four judges fork over ten percent of your yearly earnings and we can put this bitch to bed early?
Randy’s not in a stupid sweater today. Well, he is, but it’s covered by a black jacket. Cuz this is meaningful and all. Still, he’s able to find the strength to flash the hundreds of thousands of dollars on his wrist.

Do you know how many sacks of grains that thing would buy?

Ellen’s also in black, but she’s nixed the expensive jewelry and gone for a hobo tie. I can’t wait for her to realize Africa isn’t filled with hobos.

Skara has wrapped herself in tinfoil. She’s probably trying to bake out that pink eye.

Even Simon’s dressed up. He looks…flat chested.

Either show us your tits or go home.

This show has been brought to us by the very people profiting off of our watching it. Isn’t that sweet?

I’m on AT&T, I’m drinking a Diet Coke, and I filled up my car at an Exxon this week. So look! I’ve helped! YAY ME I’M A GOOD PEEERSOOON!

Queen Latifah is hosting over at the Pasadena theater, and she looks like a seal that got shot.

You guys know that black jackets are for funerals, right? It just seems like a bad idea to mourn living children. No joke in there, just an observation. Thank you for your time.

Queen announces the lineup for the night, and Tink black talks back to her bout how ready we is. So wrong. Africans aren’t the only ones getting favors tonight. We will be less one shit singer! I love that they’re kicking someone to the curb on charity night. It’s like being broken up with on Christmas over text. The loser will be shipped to Africa in a to go box with a side of mustard. I hope it’s Green Mile. His love handles could feed that continent for a year.
The top 12 get to sing a cheese ass number for us. Crystal OrganiJoplin limps on in a pregnant ghost dress.

The three part harmony that opens the song is beautiful. I wonder how long it took the sound engineer to pitch Lee and Helmut Lame’s tracks. The sound guy is the most under appreciated cast member of all seasons combined.
This sounds like an M&M commercial. Lacey has been so depressed since getting the boot that she’s let her bush grow out.

Sio didn’t, though. We would definitely know if she had. In that dress, at least.

If ever there was a time to whip out cupcake tights, it’s now.

At the end of the song, OrganiJoplin gets a big waily solo section. Pimp! It looks like Sio got one too, but her voice is mixed all the way down so you can’t hear it. LOL, sound engineer. He’s sick of her bs stories, too.
And now, let’s welcome Jennifer Garner! She’s already given the world enough by getting Ben out of our faces a few nights a week. She deserves a rest. She’s traveling to Breathitt County, Kentucky. I’ll chip in for a new town name, cuz that one doesn’t make any of us look good to the international audience. Jen tells us that she lived in a town not too far from Breathitt. They used to laugh at the hillbillies there but secretly snuck in when they needed cheap beer or maids. Jen says this feels like home, but way trashier. It’s so poor that kids don’t have books to read. They can’t read, which seems in my mind to work out just fine. Can they point and grunt? Then let’s please move on to Africa now.
Jen goes to visit a family of six that lives in a tiny trailer with trash heaped outside.

Glad you guys spruced up the place for me.

Jen enters the trailer and suddenly has a southern accent. Let’s just forget how offensive that is for a moment and just hope she brought a box of condoms with her.

It gets real cold here, so we either use kerosene or the oven for warmth. Or just fuck. I’m much warmer pregnant.

Jen is telling us about a foundation that helps these poor families by getting them books and puzzles for the kids. She offers some cold hard cash for one of the daughters to marry her moron husband and get his terrible actor ass off her hands.

Oh hayell no!

Jen helps the family and tells us how good Save the Children is. Jen tries to cry, but pulls an OrganiJ and can’t squeeze out any tears. Save the Children is a legit, successful, and very helpful program. If you want to donate, follow this link and avoid getting Simon a cut of it.
I don’t know who came up with this idea, but sending Posh spice to hang out with poor people is BRILLIANT.

Don’t touch me.
Yes, miss!

Tink looks at the poor kid’s fauxhawk unamused. Posh choppily reads her cue card. I don’t know what she’s saying. Speak English! The poor kids talk about how they didn’t read too good but now they does. Well, you’re speaking as well as Posh so that’s…something. Posh scoots away from the kids and smooths her hair and…commercial. This show makes me feel horrible. So horrible that I had to order a pizza.

Captain Sully Sullenberger comes out to tell us that poor people never get the chance to not crash planes. AW! He’s a pair of glasses away from hawking fried chicken.

It’s like regular AIDS, only more off key.

Jonah Hill and Russell Brand called Tink up personally “and absolutely insisted” that they get to run a phone bank. Riight. Maybe you can repay them with a shower.

Tink’s about to be a Twinkie.

Russel jokes about Tink’s tanning. LOL. What celeb friends did they bring? Russell points to offscreen celebs but doesn’t know anyone’s name. HAHAHA. So they brought no one. In their defense, it’s hard to get a bunch of ratings obsessed whores into the studio on a season that’s getting beat by Dancing with the Stars.

Sinking ship.

Jonah makes a Viagra joke, which is sadder than the empty phone bank. Tink talks to the contestants, but no one can muster up any personality for him. Tink asks why Lee always looks like he’s gonna cry. Lee, embarrassed, says if he has to answer one more question about faux finishing he’s checking himself into a hospital. Now let’s welcome the Black Eyed Peas. Music has no age, but pophiphop should. Fergie looks like she’s clinging to the side of the thirties truck as desperately as possible. Guys. You’ve done what you set out to do. Relax. Have some jello. Or at least write some music that’s a little more appropriate.

This song is called “I have to pee every five minutes and I wake up at 6 AM whether I like it or not.” See? Was that so hard?

Fergie stomps all over the stage as some guy sings off key. She’s swishing her cape thing super hard, just so we believe it. Fergie has that song about how people on the internet can kiss her ass cuz we’re evil and mean and are just fat bastards hiding behind a computer. I would love to argue with that, but I can’t stop waiting to see if she’ll fall over from exhaustion.

Way to stack the deck with bloated dancers, Ferg! That’s my girl!

All meanness aside, Fergie really keeps herself in good shape. She looks fabulous. She still raps like a sheet of matza, but thankfully Lou Diamond Phillips is here to say the day. And by save the day, I mean scare us into not hearing the rest of the song.

La Bamba Zombie

Fergie sings, to prove that she can do worse than rapping. Thank God there are like five singers in this group, cuz they need to breath after every line. They sound exhausted. It’s really obvious when the auto tune jumps in. Poor Will sounds like he’s hyperventilating. Collectively, they sound like me trying to make it up a flight of stairs. Why am I still typing? End this damn song already! It’s like their entire two disc album. LOOOONG AND POOOINTLESS. Can we donate Fergie to Africa? Or send her to Kentucky. They’ll feel like good readers.
Queen Latifah says “Idols Give Back” has cut malaria in Africa in half. Then Tink takes over so someone can tell her the title of the show and make her repeat it until she gets it right. Tink went to Kenya, and this lady hated his ass on site.

A mosquito! Kill it!

Tink tells us about malaria. A child dies every thirty seconds of it. Damn. This is so sad. I don’t think there’s much to make fun of here. We are introduced to an expectant mom with malaria, and get lots of closeups of her dying. God. Then we are told that she and the baby died. JESUS! This is horrible. That poor hospital needs some cheering up. They should do results there.
Tink says that part of the auction was the chance to boot off an Idol. George Lopez gets to do it. LOL. He jumps up on stage and acts like George Lopez. He makes a Danny Gokey joke, so he can’t be all bad. Then he tells Tink that this job makes him so powerful that Tink must feel five feet tall on stage. HAHAHAHAHA. George lets the contestants sit back down and says it’s time someone judged the judges. He tells Randy that he overuses pitchy, and Skara is incapable of forming her own thoughts. HAHAHAH!!!!!! She looks totally amused.

That she didn’t jump up and rip off her dress is the biggest shock of the night so far.

The audience screams for that one, which is awesome. Randy is safe! George tells Skara to stop saying “make it your own” and “I’m disappointed” and “I wrote that song.” She’s also hot and posed nude so Karla’s safe. “Although no cute boy on the show is.” OK can George Lopez take Tink’s place when he gets sent to rehab? George says that Ellen is the Kourtney Kardashian of the group. No one gets it so he says she’s safe and moves on. I thought at first that was a dyke joke, but Khloe’s the burly one. This is gonna bug me all night.
George tells Simon to wear bigger shirts and asks “saline or silicone?” Ha. He’s out and has to go back to England, but the volcanic ash cloud has grounded all the flights so he can stay. Meh. I only liked when he was telling Skara off.
Just because there are people not reading and dying of malaria all over the world doesn’t mean we can’t picture ourselves in a really crappy car! Ford commercial time! This one has a despicable plot. First, Tim Helmut Lame does his first internet porn twink video and it doesn’t end well for him.

EW.

Then, Little Chicken slips in the gang bang aftermath.

He feels so comfortable in that position that he decides to change careers. He begins by cornholing the fourth floor of an apartment building.

Then Lee goes on a homophobic rampage and pushes a fruit cart over to get his point across.

Let’s waste as much food as possible on the episode dedicated to starving children.

Well that was offensive on so many levels I’m just gonna let it go and move on. Now it’s time for some results. Unfortunately, this doesn’t include any cheap shots at Skara. Boooo. I think OrganiJ’s dress should be voted off.

She and Prettiness are called to the stage. Skara still looks mad and Simon is looking into the camera and telling us all to go fuck ourselves.

Hey we didn’t make the implant joke!

Prettiness is in the bottom three! The audience is silent. Crystal’s safe. Little Chicken and Lee go to center stage. Lee’s safe and Chicken’s in the bottom! Wow. America’s voting has been kinda fair the past couple of weeks. WTF? Well done! Now that we’ve depressed some pasty off key singers, let’s go back to Pasadena with Joss Stone and Pete Beck performing “I Put a Spell on You.” Jeff Beck looks like Fergie in five years.

Joss starts off in the basement, which she can’t really handle very well. Thankfully, she moves into her growl shout quickly. Joss can sing her face off, and she does tonight. She’s a skinny, young white girl with a blessed life. Thankfully, no one’s let her in on that fact. She screams it, feels it, and growl sings to perfection. Learn a lesson here, Lee and Sio! She sings about how in love she is directly to Beck and it’s a super creepy picture.

Can I sit on your lap?

Joss has really matured vocally. Her chords have turned into sandpaper and while she still riffs a lot, it’s not the entire song. Well done, lady! Suddenly, David Duchovney pops up on the screen and says “Underwear, socks, and soap.” Jeeze. They’re already announcing Crystal again? No wait. It’s a segment about things your mom gives you. The stars all got clothes, kisses and hugs. Kids in Africa? Don’t. Call now! And now, let’s welcome Dr. Pierre Chang from Lost!

Welcome to the hatch, bitches!

Did you guys know that besides helping Haiti and Africa, the United Nations is stopping global warming? LOL! What a racket. Morgan Freeman comes on to talk about how today’s generation is graduating in fewer numbers than ever. In other words, today’s kids are fucking morons. Um, are we gonna feed people or smarten them up? There’s only so much you can do with one results show you guys. Let’s go with Morgan and Randy to Mississippi.
They visit a family benefitting from Save the Children. The oldest son was doused with gasoline and burned up right in front of his mom. That led to bad grades. Then he learned to read or something. Now we’re meeting a lady telling us about how being fat makes you dumb, so we should give money so people can lose weight too. Jesus! I thought not having money was the best way to lose weight. Ok so now we’re fighting illiteracy, malaria, starvation, and obesity all at the same time. These causes are all gonna get like five dollars. When they’re done, Morgan offers Skara a ride and she gets all offended.
Let’s welcome Alicia Keys with NY State of Mind! I’m all for child bearing hips, but this is just not flattering.

The thing I love most is that Alicia writes songs with notes that she can’t hit. It’s like publicly flogging herself. She starts off strong, but then the high notes come and she’s off key and screechy. To make up for it, she starts doing some kind of arm dance. Like a one person octopus. A track comes in to help her halfway though the song. You can tell cuz the off key voice hits the on key recorded voice like a dissonant harmony. The vocals deteriorate pretty fast, but the silk pajamas and arm dance made it worth it.
She switches into NY State of Mind. Oh no. It’s the one behind the piano instead of the hip hop one. It’s about how NY is mean, dirty, and there are crack heads everywhere but it’s still inspiring. Her voice tanks on this one. It’s painful to listen to, and this is one of my favorite songs. I don’t have anything to add, but I wish I could add a pair of Spanx. She bones her last note hard. But you know what? SHE FELT IT. So did anyone with ears.
In addition to all the other charities featured tonight, we’re also supposed to support testing on lab mice.

Let’s check in with Jonah and Russell again! They’re still dirty. They got some celeb impersonators. HAHA. Well, Idol had to do something. We’re an hour and fifteen minutes in and there have been three performances. I blame Haiti fatigue.

Russell Brand is dirtier looking than Slash. That stage must have some serious flies right about now.

Jonah says he’s with American Idol alum Clay Aiken.

Clay wishes.

It’s Tatiana!! She hams it up as much as possible, even without any lines. And Octomom is here! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Man, American Idol. This is just sad.

Russell thinks he has a chance of banging her. Which he does. Jim Carrey’s here for real! Meh. He is horrified at the shitty stars and runs off, which gets as many laughs as his three last movies combined. None.
Next up is a song called Change. OrganiJoblin whips out a baseball hat and gets in position to catch. Carrie Underwood’s here! She looks gorgeous. Like Betty from Mad Men. You know, when Simon said back in her season that she would become the biggest Idol and outsell everyone I thought he was full of it. She had the personality of driftwood. I was so wrong. I LOVE HER! And she has learned to FEEL IT without Alicia Keys. She’s pitch perfect and even has a decent song. It’s weird typing so many nice things about a contestant on this show. Let’s move on.

OK so the song is kinda cheesy now that I’m listening to it. The lyrics are about how when you see a commercial with starving kids wearing flies on their faces you should give them money and not be lazy. The chorus is good though and it’s nice to have vindication. We complain about how much this season sucks, and this is why. It’s actually produced decent talent before. Get it together, Idol! Carrie talks and she’s back to driftwood, but it was fun while it lasted.
Ellen joins Tink on stage. She went to Pasadena with David Arquette. Huh? Sad music plays as we are shown Pasadena, which is far from poor.

I think there’s a GAP right there.

David tells us that there are even poor people in non poor places cuz rich people need clean houses and trimmed lawns. He asks us to give canned foods and job leads so he can stop being Cox’ second fiddle. Ellen is surprised how many poor people are in America. We meet a family. The dad is a teacher but still can’t support his kids. I’m sorry to be cruel here, but their house is damn nice. Is that a suede couch? Fuck this! This couple, however, does look like they’re starving.

Hey Food Bank, sometimes you just gotta say NO.

I get starving kids and malaria, but fat fucking couples in Pasadena get no pity from me. Idol needs to Give a Walk Around the Block. Elliot is back with Sister Dominguez and some super cheezy indoor glasses!

Uhoh. Tink says the show’s going late. I can guarantee that my DVR didn’t. Tink sat down with Bill Gates and his wife to talk about all the work they do for poor people. How come they chose the Global Health Fund? Cuz healthcare is important. Tink asks what if he wasn’t a multimillionaire and couldn’t afford healthcare himself? Why should he give? The wife says he needs to stop being a selfish cunt and think about poorness. Then she wipes her nose with a hundred dollar bill and puts her foot up on a poor kid who’s acting as her ottoman. If you don’t feel disturbed yet, you haven’t pictured these two having sex.

Wanda Sykes in da house! Now that woman understands Spanx. I hope she met up with Alicia in the back.

She says she’s glad the season got better cuz Simon looked bored at the beginning of the season and just played with his nipples. HAHA. She credits American Idol for staying mean on charity night and does a bit about how the kids have to sing right after their dreams are crushed. “Remind America why they didn’t vote for you!” HAHAH I love her. She brings up the Green Mile save and says the judges used it cuz they were scared Green Mile would murder them. Then she’s gone. That was weird. And awesome. More results!
Sio, Green Mile and Helmut Lame go to center stage. Sio’s safe! Green Mile’s bigger than ever! And safe! Helmut’s in the bottom! Now let’s welcome David Cook! I suppose we’re supposed to donate to Downs kids too.

Cook went to Ethiopia and says it was so different than he thought it would be. The people are nice and hopeful, instead of evil and depressed like in all those Sally Struthers ads. Girls escape because they are being sold and married off when they’re five. Jeeze that’s horrendous. Cook goes to a girls school and is so charmed by the kids that he buys five wives. The school helps a lot of people, but they can’t save the kids from a super screamy performance by Cook. Now they’re deaf too. Nice work, dude. Don’t you have anything nice and soft to sing? The kids are so cute and wave their hands in the air. Nice to see they brought the audience arm director along for the ride. Wouldn’t be Idol without fake arm swaying. Even in Ethiopia.

And now for a video of a kid trying to figure out how to put on a sweater. Don’t tell me. You’re from Pasadena.

Oh no. She takes off the sweater and she’s got AIDS. OH MY GOD. This show is fucking killing me. That poor thing! She’s been left alone because her mom died of the disease. Annie Lennox is there with her and says that the little girl smiles and never complains. What a sweetheart. Annie Lennox made her complain for the first time by putting her most recent CD on.

Do you have any Justin Bieber?

And now back to Pasadena with Annie! Wait. No. She’s stuck in London cuz of volcanic ash. So let’s go back to Africa. No! Please! I can’t take it!! WAIT! YES I CAN!! The little girl got the right drugs and look at her!

Did you bring that Bieber CD or not, skank?

So cute. Is it weird that I’m kinda crying? I hate this show. And I love it so much. Now for a video of Annie singing about climbing mountains or something.

Seriously. Why doesn’t anyone ask me out?

Annie’s song keeps me squirting out salties, and I feel like a total sucker. She sings it beautifully, and the montage of kid pictures is heartbreaking. And there are only five minutes left, so how the hell am I supposed to see Elton and the elimination?!?!? Randy Jackson onstage for Stairway to Heaven with Mary J? Oh lord please don’t cut this off. Mary J looks insane, and she sings like a mofo.

Bowl of scaries.

Mary kills this song, especially when it pumps up. I hope OrganiJ and Lee are watching. This is how to rock your shit out! Great place to cut off. I missed a lot of this, no? In the am, I will see if I can find the rest online somewhere and recap it. Or you could just recap it for me in the comments section. You owe me one! Best mini cap of the end wins a swag bag. Sorry you guys. I read online that Helmut Lame was ousted, which seems fair. I was kinda hoping he’d stay, though, just to see Simon really mad. I thought this was the saddest Idol Gives Back showing in a long time, but Carrie and Mary J made it worth it to me. With the contestants we’ve endured this year and the hack ass “talent” brought in for results nights, it’s good to watch and actually be, you know, entertained by people who know wtf they’re doing.
Love you guys. Thanks for being here. Now get to recapping.

So before I even press play, I just wanna tell you guys I was just at a party for a pr chick and I asked her about the whole Crystal OrganiJoplin “Ryan betrayed me!” fiasco. She said it’s a bunch of lameness blown out of proportion for ratings, but she added that OrganiJ smokes like three packs of cigarettes a day and carries liter bottles of Coke around with her even though she has diabetes and everyone hates her cuz she’s a huge diva and a pain in the ass. LOL! I don’t know if any of you care about that or not, but I personally appreciate a woman who could die any moment carrying around smokes and liter bottles of cancer. Like “kill me. I dare you. I’m a staaaah! Do you know how much change I used to make on the street? One subway passenger told me I inspired her to keep on going! Ok so I accidentally blocked the exit and she couldn’t get off the train and had to keep going, but the point is she stayed. And I played a Janis Joplin song on my guitar. And no one bitched at me about stage presence so SUCK IT.”
I should have mentioned that I had a couple of martinis at this party. Consider yourself warned. I guess I should press Play now.

Hey Meg Whitman. I paid for a laptop bag two weeks ago on eBay and it never arrived. Suck my duck, skank! Go, Poisner!


Dr. Oz is making Richard Simmons look like a trained ballerina right now.

Tink comes on and tells us something about how it’s time we have to give back. Oh shit. Idol Gives Back. Is that tomorrow? Cuz that shit’s like two hours of starvation and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to take it. I’m gonna have to binge while I watch Annie Lennox sing over all those starving children. I will start Weight Watchers again on Thursday. That’s not for awhile though. For now, let’s just worry about the issue at hand. OrganiJoplin’s hair. Are those chopsticks in there?

Soak that hair. In Off.

Do you guys ever feel like losers? You’re down. You’re out. You’ve been publicly humiliated. The world hates you. Well, here’s a picture to make you all feel better.

Paige is selling incense during commercial breaks.

Let’s say hi to the judges! I’m sure Randy is wearing something hideous, but all I see are diamonds. He’s turned into Blair Underwood right before my very eyes.

Ellen’s in a cream suit, and Skara and Simon are both in black vests. I don’t know why, but I hope they do some magic tricks or buss some tables. Simon has a big boob line peeking out over the top of his dirty undershirt. I don’t care how frugal you are. Get your implants from a doctor who knows what he’s doing.

The audience screams for Simon and he rolls his eyes at them. Good news! There are still tickets left for Idol Gives Back! I’ll wait for the shock to pass. Ready? Let’s say hi to the Top 7! Again! Today’s mentor has made a tremendous impact on children all over the world. Uh oh. It’s gonna be a Bishop. No! It’s Alicia Keys!! OK I have to admit right now that I LOVE me some Alicia. I have all her albums. Even the unplugged one, where she sounds like she’s got laryngitis, nodes, and no musical training. She sings Wild Horses on that one and it sounds like one’s stampeding her throat the whole time. Still, she can write, play and sing. So if you do one of those things kinda not so well, at least you’ve got all those other talents to back you up. Plus, she’s real perty. Sure enough, the first clip they play of Alicia is “go on, go on, go oooooooooon” and she’s gravelly and off key. And that’s in the recording. Her throat looks like it’s trying to escape her neck.

Save me! This woman is a torturer!

She gets to the rehearsal to meet the contestants and Green Mile smothers her. Poor thing looks like a little chicken wing.

You better pray a waiter doesn’t bring in a side of bleu cheese dressing or you’re a dead woman walking.

Alicia isn’t about musical perfection. She’s about FEELING. When you truly feel things, you understand life, love, and premature balding.

Alicia is also a hero to kids dying of AIDS. AW. I can’t make fun of her now. And then I see her pants. How bored is Tim Helmut Lame right now?

Ugh. Kids with AIDS. My hair is eating my face and no one cares. Maybe if I was in Africa or something. This isn’t FUUUUUN!

Tonight is all about inspiration. Like Wind Beneath My Wings. Or I Believe. Or I Like Big Butts. Casey Prettiness is singing “Don’t Stop” by Fleetwood Mac. Alicia wants him to like really like connect with it. Prettiness says that his goal is to really connect and feel it. UGH. Too much about feelings. Just don’t suck, k?
When he begins, he’s already feeling things.

He does a carbon copy version of the original and looks real pretty while he does it. His voice sounds good, but this is just a cheap thoughtless version of a song that should have died the second it was used as Bill Clinton’s campaign theme. Don’t stop thinkin about tomorrow, cuz right now I’m spooging on an intern.
Prettiness seems like he could be so good, he’s just such a bore. Randy agrees. It’s the same ole same ole every week. Ellen liked the guitar, but thinks that no one will be remembering it tomorrow and he needs to make an effort to be great. Skara though he was good in “Jealous Guy” and she’s right, but that was one performance out of how many? She didn’t like tonight. Simon said it was emotionless and lacked originality. The audience boos him and he says he’s not the one they should boo. Prettiness had fuuuuun! He looks a little shellshocked, though.

One more ounce of makeup and you’re gonna actually turn into Miley Cyrus.

Lee’s next. He’s really been working on that whole smiling more thing.

Tink asks him how he’s been since MexiGokey left. He’s traumatized. He will be singing “The Boxer” cuz it got him to play the guitar. He’s twitching his fingers cuz that’s where he puts all his freakout energy. The director guy is so obsessed with that twitch that they forget to switch over to the tape of Alicia’s session. Get that twitch off my screen, please! Alicia makes him speak the words. “You ah dat fightuh!” LOL Alicia Keys. Does she really talk like that? Does anyone really talk like that? She tells him that he needs to feel it. Wow. She’s really stretching with her advice today. At least tell him to get rid of the Little Orphan Annie Wig. I can’t stand Annie being defiled by a goatee and soul patch. She deserve bettuh (as Alicia would say).

I think I’m gonna like it here!

Lee is all over the place is in the first section. Off key and growl raspy. The “mouth of mumbles” lyric has never hit home like that. He doesn’t get any better as the song goes on. He takes a peaceful lovely song and makes it pure pain. Ouch. He does look like he’s feeling it, though. He should go back to being numb. That was terrible.
Randy says he’s Lee’s biggest fan because he’s a true artist. Ellen loves his soul and thinks he gets better and better. ?? Skara thinks this was his big moment! Poor thing is that just trying to cover up her pink eye.

Stop messing around with children, Skara.

Simon says it was the best of the night and he was better than Pretty cuz he was sincere and emotional. Um…you guys I have no idea what’s going on tonight. And it’s not just cuz I’m not completely sober. WTF? That was off the rails! Well, what are they supposed to do? The judges can’t just say “we made a huge mistake this season so sorry” after every song.

This lady found a dog on her iPhone, found a vet, found a dog park, watched the dog on her webcam, and when she saw it peeing on her new Ikea couch she found a place to have the mutt turned into biscuits. Aw, iPhone.

Why can’t I get a date? I shall ponder that as I eat this eighty grams of fat.

Sully Sullenberger is here! He had another day of not crashing a plane, so yay! He’s getting a little media whorey. He’s wearing Alicia Keys’ hairline. Robber!

Helmut Lame is singing GooGoo Dolls. Alicia thinks that he’s not feeling it enough. I’m shocked. She’s as one note as her songs. Tim sounds on key and kinda good…at first. Then he bums a note but the violins are awesome and he kinda picks it up and then drops it again. No matter how much better he gets week to week, which he def does, he’s just not a very good singer. And how come even the violinist has to wear wigs and get plastic surgery until she can’t move? Damn you, Los Angeles!

Hey weren’t you on Benny Hill?

Sonhe can’t sing. But Kris Allen won so maybe if he just makes enough sideways faces he can too.

He sings about finding better days, and it fills me with inspiration. To start taping X Factor as soon as I can. That was one of his best, and still half off key and all bad. Randy thinks it was just ok karaoke, which is hypocritical considering Lee just did the same thing even more off key than Lame. Ellen thinks Lame is like the soup of the day. Sometimes it’s good and sometimes it tastes like three day old peepee. Today was peepee. Skara thinks the execution blew, and Simon says it wasn’t bad but he’s not believable. He gives it a solid meh. Well, you made them feel something! Regret. But hey it’s something! Tim talks about how happy he always is and then Tink falls asleep on his feet and tries out some new Dunkleman jokes.

FUUUUN!

Little Chicken is next with “I Believe I Can Fly” by R Kelly, which he’s been signing since he was five and peeing on little girls seemed normal. Next to him, the petit Alicia looks like Mo’Nique.

Thank you for not singing politics.

His voice sounds beautiful in rehearsal, which means he will bone it onstage. Alicia says that he should feel it. LOL. She wants him to cry by the end of the song, but she won’t be there to flash pics of vaginas at him so good luck with that. He starts out really strong and even looks fairly comfortable, for him. He gets a bit shaky in the middle towards the belt section cuz he knows the big notes are coming. Key change! The song goes into pure cheese mode and he shakes like a magic bullet. He hits the note, though! God bless him. Best vocal so far, but cheesiest performance, too. His family is simply electrified.

Randy says the arrangement was cheese but he did a good job with a giant song. Ellen that there was a brief time in the 70′s when she though he could fly, and if he takes enough drugs he might fly too. Skara thinks he flew! Simon says he likes Little and gives him credit for taking on the song but says if he heard it on the radio he would have turned it off and his fave part was the end. Little Chicken says the first time he sang that was at preschool graduation. I am going to take a moment and bang my head against something for a bit. BRB.
Sio’s next with “When You Believe”. Damn. That’s called balls right there, sister. It’s also called the funniest sing off in the Oscars’ history. I think this is when Whitney decided “fuck this I’m doing crack.” It was more awkward that Christina Ricci’s patter. Mariah wasn’t about to take crap off Whit.

Alicia tells Sio to milk the money note, which is hilarious cuz you know Sio doesn’t need that advice. She’s the first contestant who wasn’t told to feel it. She’s also the first contestant to wear the destroyed set of Avatar as an outfit.

She’s over emoting at first like a kid trying to cry to prove she’s too sick to go to school.

But a bird flew into my head and a poisonous butterfly bit me! WAAAH!

She does the song as written, but relies more heavily on her head voice than normal. When she moves into her belt it’s a bit out of control. Ouch. I thought she would kill on this, but she just killed my hope that she’d win. Her last note is very pretty though. The judges are gonna chew her a new cornhole over this one. That was one of her worst.
Randy says that she shouldn’t have picked a song that went up against both Mariah and Whitney and it was just ok. Ellen liked it. Skara thinks it was well sung but too over dramatic and she wants to hang with Sio more than buy her record. Simon thinks the song was wrong and old fashioned and the leaves on her clothes were distracting. LOL. Sio tells Tink that she didn’t want to be scared of Mariah and Whitney even though America is now and she’s grateful to sing a song she loves on TV. Her meaningful answers are good, but OLD. Just stop singing shit songs lady! She should just get a Ford for coming up with new innocent ways to tell the judges to suck her dick every week.

Yeah. Too much salt is the problem with this meal. Otherwise it’s totes healthy. Don’t worry, though, the government’s gonna totally help by outlawing salt or taxing the shit out of it or something! Thanks, news!

Green Mile’s next. He looks like the Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters.

He tells Tink that he came to Idol with a huge list of songs. Some might call that cheating, some might call it smart, some might call it a plan to publicly jerk off to every good song ever written. This song is to inspire us all to step up and be heroes in our every day life. The song is Hero. From Spiderman, says Wikipedia. HAHAH. Oh no. Alicia likes it but he wants people to feel it. Green Mile wants the song to take flight. Unfortunately it will have to buy three seats first.
He is playing guitar tonight. “I’m so high I can hear heaven”. Me too! This song is different than what he usually does. It sounds like it was actually written instead of being made up on the spot. Doesn’t work for him. He sounds nasally, which I’ve never noticed as a problem before. His big belt note at the end was awesome, but then he had to ruin it by licking himself. Ick. This guy just grosses me out. And that song blew ass.

And….sperm.

Randy was worried at first but he held his own. Ellen thought it was great, Skara didn’t and says his tone was wrong and it was all over the place. Simon thought it was sung well but the song was about Spiderman. LOLOLOLLLLLLLL. I love Simon. He says it was artificial and didn’t work.
OrganiJoplin won’t be using an instrument tonight! Call the newspapers! Will she still hackily growl her song out just like every other song she’s ever sung? I suspect yes, but I don’t know yet. I just want a liter of Coke. She’s singing “People Get Ready” and Alicia says OrganiJ is one of her faves cuz he can feel it! Organi looks like she stole one of the flower pots behind her and wore it. Seriously girl, stop with the sticky fingers! You’re rich now!

I peed on it so it’s mine.

OrganiJ starts a cappella and sings about how you can board a train without a ticket. LOL. Well you can but some of us are afraid of jail. This is a gospel song all about trusting the Lord and stuff. Nothing wrong with that inherently, but I feel super insecure in church cuz I don’t want to have to give anyone my money so this song is rubbing me the wrong wait. She blows a couple notes in her belt section, and then again at the end but she tries to pass it off as a breakdown. Only one problem. NO TEARS. It’s the new coughing!

coughbullshitcough

I’m not buying that for a second, and that was her worst performance of the season. If you’re gonna bone it, do it like a man and take the fall. To lie so blatantly when you’re singing about the Lord is just wrong. Randy says it was unbelievable. No shit. Then he stands. Ellen says OrganiJ looks more beautiful by the day. Cleave. Maybe after a couple of seasons she’ll look presentable enough to walk a sidewalk without getting nickels thrown at her head.

She used her mic stand from home, which is like a thrift store lamp or something. Oy. Skara says that she schooled the other contestants, and Simon says that it was inspirational and she killed it and it was in a different class than everything else tonight. Tink asks why the song was so emotional, and she says it’s cuz DoDo’s friend died.
The video cut out early so if anything else happened I didn’t see it. My night ended with Kate Gosselin crying though, so I’m feeling pretty good about things. Most inspirational thing I’ve seen all night.

Oh no. Don’t tell me you’re pregnant.