Project Runway Recap: Patti LuPone Spits on This Episode

Previously on Project Runway All Stars, the designers made fugly clothes and blamed the four seasons,

Don’t like mom waisted jeans? Blame God.

…Chunk stole a half eaten KitKat out of the trash on Jerell the Hobosexual’s side of the room, which caused a huge fight,…

I marked that trash can. Why he couldn’t smell the pee? I don’t know. But NO ONE ROB DA HOBO!

…and Hobo was accused of stealing the Art Teacher Pancho design by every art teacher in America. Unfortunately, it wasn’t televised but you know they were pissed.

Pottery wheels heal broken souls, chillrens.

While we’re talking about blatant stealing:

I think you owe Flo an apology.

We open with Austin Scarlett O’Scare doing Kenley’s hair. Sadly, he left his personality brush at home.

So he suffocates her with his arm.

Hobo is excited that one of the best designers was eliminated, because he’s one step closer to getting that check, now. Girl, please. Check cashing places don’t even deal with checks that big. It’d be wasted on your ass.

The designers are all brought to a Broadway stage, and Kenley takes it as a chance to get a Norma Desmond number in.

Patti LuMoan, I know why I’m frightened.

Shocked and awed Angela HideMe Lindvall is dressed like a Diet Pepsi can.

Enough with the product placement!

Meanwhile, Scarlett O’Scare and Janky Jankx are presenting their homage to the Amish.

Stay on Rumspringa. We don’t want you back. Love, The Amish

Tonight’s Guest is Stephen Schwartz, composer of Godspell, Wicked, and a really bad piece.

Talent doesn’t excuse bad rugs.

The winner of this challenge will get their work featured in the show! The loser will have to watch it. Really, Godspell AGAIN? Are there ANY composers out there these days? ANYONE?!? The director and star are also here, and the main request is that the character looks rich with clothes found in a thrift store or out of a trash bin. Hey! This is slanted towards Hobosexi! He must give really good head when he takes out those meth mouth dentures.

The designers spread out all over the theater to sketch. Chunk, this isn’t Boxing Helena, the musical. Give the woman some legs.

A model who can’t run away is the best kind.

Kenley is going to make a couch cover, and Hobo’s goal is “very lamé”. Take out the accent over the e and you’ll totally get there, buddy! Scarlett got the impression that the diva star has afro bush, and is designing accordingly.

Kenley and Janky are back at their giggling, dancing around ways. They compliment each other’s brilliance and teehee and stuff. Mila hates it, and it’s not often I’m with Mila. She says that when one of them is out, the other is gonna have a meltdown. HAHA. She’s so right. It’s a creepy kind of love. Like those two girls in Heavenly Creatures that kill the mom that stops letting them hang out together all day.

Here’s to a violent lesbian breakup!

The next segment is devoted to the designers picking out the perfect piece of tupperware off the GLAD wall. I have faith that eventually, something will fucking happen this season. Since Godspell is about faith, I will hold on to that. It’s a theme!

Hagatha Coffee comes in to announce that this is one of the most exciting challenges in PROJECT RUNWAY HISTORYYYYY! She looks really, really excited.

You better watch out. Never wear a necklace that looks like loose change around a Hobo.

She starts at Scarlett’s table, and he says “conthpicuous conthumtion” for the tenth time tonight. Did he just learn that phrase today? He’s awfully proud of it. He should go to an online thesaurus and find a substitute without tho many etheth. He’s got a pile of shine, and Hag says it’s tacky as hell but she’s sure he’ll make it fab. She says it in that “please stop sucking so much” tone, and when he laughs, she threatens to unleash whatever is hiding in her bags on him.

Hag stops by to visit Janky next, and tells her flat out that her work is boring and too unimaginative to be from an all star. Get your head out of Kenley’s cooter and sew something that doesn’t suck, Janky! You’re the only one left on reality TV that’s committed to never getting botox and I’m rooting for you! Janky fights back by vowing to work harder and win this thing. Kidding! She sobs in the diary room because Hag said she wasn’t an All Star. LOL!

Hag goes over to Mila and they snicker and cackle evilly about taking over the world and banning moose. Mila is doing a see through top with a wacky skirt. To pencil skirt or not to pencil skirt?

Pencil skirt. Now let’s discuss eugenics and tricking poor people into taking deadly vaccines.

Hag moves on to Mondo, admitting up front that she has been in Godspell. Wait. Is Satan a role in that? Scariest production evah! Hobo’s using what looks like those plastic leis as trim. Oh lawd. Still terrible. You gotta appreciate consistency. Hag approaches Kenley by saying in a shockmock tone that it’s the first time she hasn’t seen polka dots on Ken’s table. HAHAH! I don’t know who asked Hag to be a raging c word today, but they deserve a raise. Kenley acts like it was a total compliment.

Hag leaves by announcing that she’s impressed with the level of talent here, except for you Janky. Sadjankycan’tcatchabreakhorns. Hag leaves and Janky sobmutters about how hahd hahd hahd it all eez. Chunk gives her a nice hug, but when he leaves she realizes the fun pack of peanut m and m’s from her back pocket is missing. Sucka!

During fittings, Mondo realizes that his work is gross. It looks like Hobosexi made it. Well, the challenge is for a character who steals from the poor, so you and Chunk should be in the top 2. Just keep it!

Kenley tells us how awesome and perfect her work is, and it must be really annoying for the other designers. LOL. I am kinda starting to like her. She knows she’s an asshole and everyone hates her and is just rolling with it. Wait. I just typed I like Kenley? I think it’s time for me to start looking for a new gig. I don’t like what this one is doing to me. I used to be so young and cute! And thin! And…not hateful and sad. Just kidding. I was never any of those things. Still, though, customer service sounds fun.

Mondo got criticism last week, and he’s never been able to take that well. He’s starting to break down. YAAAAAYYYY!!! The other designers pat him on the back and tell him it’s all gonna be ok, which seems to just make him more and more depressed. I smell tears coming and I’m really excited. Mondo explains that negativity fuels him, so when he needs to do better he just tells himself how much  he sucks. I might have found a new job! I’ll follow him around and call him “Mija” all day.

Mila is trimming her fur. The fake fur on her fabric, not her lady fur. Just the thought that Mila might have an actual vagina has me completely disgusted with myself, the world, and whoever made the world. She thinks Janky’s work sucks, Janky thinks Mila’s work sucks. Jank makes a comment about how Mila’s fur isn’t even real. LOL. Did you already forget that you are also using fake fur? Please stop talking and cry more. You’re the closest thing to man tears we’re gonna get.

Jerell steals Scarlett’s machine and they get into a little tiff. Jerell, though, fights by referring to himself in the third degree. That makes Scarlett remember that he’s fucking crazy so the fight ends fast. “Jerell didn’t take yo machine!” LOL. Fuck with that guy and you’ll get a forty filled with pee thrown at your head.

Hair and makeup time! YAY! SMOKE BREAK! HideMe comes out on the runway and Scarlett speaks for America.

HideMe announces that the Guest Judge is a leading lady who starred in Anything Goes, and I clench up and start sobbing. Cut to Sutton Foster. EW!!!!! YOU’RE NOT PATTI LUPONE!!!!!! BITCH!

Patti would never smile earnestly! FUCK OFF!

Is it fair to hate someone cuz they’re not Patti LuPone? Probably not. I can’t help it. It’s the same reason I hate the rest of humanity, too. I’m working on it.

Chunk is out first with a tribute to those little strawberry candies. Hey, at least they’re fat free.

Kinda Drag Race-y, but for the older queens. Drag Mall Walk. Kenley’s work feels like someone is whisking my eyeballs. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. She’ll probably win. This is how a whore addicted to Anthropologie would dress.

I spot Scarlett’s model before his name even splashes on the screen, because he’s given her the hair he wore in the opening.

I think NotevergonnabePatti’s face says it best:

WTFrick?

Hobo’s also going Victorian, but his is more secretary than Scarlett’s. These guys know that the musical doesn’t take place in that era, right? It’s like they’ve only seen Oliver.

Take a memo and for chrissakes, comb your hair. It’s like two giant eyes judging everyone born after 1837.

Janky’s work turns out much better than we were led to believe it would. That doesn’t make it good, but she’s the first to not totally frump out her anorexic. Broadway stars do yoga. They don’t wanna look fat. Tacky’s fine, hiding a pregnancy bump with a giant fug bow is fine, but fat is a huge nono.

Mondo’s work is pretty badass. His negative attitude helped. Just in case, he force Willy Wonka hair on his model to distract the judges. Maybe NotevergonnabePatti could appreciate a knock off of a much bigger star.

Mila’s model would benefit from tossing that jacket. Rabbit fur isn’t even cute on working girls any more. The rest is pretty decent, though.

Hobo is safe! Strong gums save the day. The judges start with Chunk. His work is good but a little blah. Eyesack says that Kenley’s dress is too East Village, “Like living in a doorway in the East Village.” Kenley cackles like it’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever said to her. She has a great way to fight criticism: be even more annoying. Seems to work for her.

Georgi loves Scarlett’s work, and the other judges agree. Eyesack thinks it’s too young. Huh? She looks like a trashy old lady. Eyesack likes the rabbit fur on Mila’s model (ew) and the skirt, but not together. NotPatti calls it hookerish in the whitest way possible. Mila looks at her like she’s best friends with a squirrel.

I’ll get you, Bullwinkle!

Eyesack calls Mondo’s work “sexy in a passive aggressive way.” What the fuck is this guy ever talking about? The judges all like it. Janky’s fucked. Her pregnancy bump bow is dissed, and Eyesack says this is her best work so far. Ouch. Gerorgi just wishes that she tried to hide the giant hemorrhoid popping out of the model’s butt.

The Judges repeat themselves in alone time, and give Janky credit for trying not to suck even if she failed. HideMe seems downright angry about Kenley’s, which is funny because Kenley’s the only thing that’s ever brought out any emotion from this block of wood. The winner is….Mondo! Yayay! He didn’t man cry, which pisses me off, but I hope that we’ve all learned to be a little more negative.

There’s no way they’re canning Mila before Janky, is there? Nope! Mila’s safe! Poor Janky! Ah well, at least we finally get some man tears.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

Next week, Eyesack calls someone a communist. I’ll be there!
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