RHOBH Recap: Fahts, Gay Weddings, and Ohyeahrussellkilledhimself

ИконописThis season on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, some moron with hair almost as bad as Adrienne’s made Kyle’s ass feel like it had a normal shape, …

…Lisa replaced the stick up her ass with…a stick up her ass,…

…Dana acted like spending twenty five grand on knock of Chanel glasses from Chinatown wasn’t one of the most embarrassing desperate pathetic moves ever,…

Do you know how many chins you could have had removed for that much dough, bitch?

….Brandi caused shit left and right and made ET feel like nasty anorexic alien legs were back in fashion,….

…Kyle had trouble coming up with storylines, so she whined about her sister and embarrassed herself at almost every party she attended,…

Shut the beef curtains. Your sadness is shining through and waking me up.

…Kim Twitchards called people SLUTPIG, rambled about liking brands of airplanes, and started dating an ugly guy who mouth breathed all over her,…

…Taylor had lots of nervous breakdowns, tried to pack herself into suitcases, and made faces that were too hideous to show here. Eh, it’s the finale. Why not? Spoiler Alert: These are NSFW:

…and Russell made like a portrait and hung. Sad My Cons Have Caught Up to Me and My Wife Has Told the Town I’m Abusive Horns.

We open the day before Pandy’s wedding to a gay dude. Lisa worries that the wedding will be too grand. I worry that Lisa’s vagina will be limping through the service. Exercise that thing!

Speaking of fake asses, I feel bad every time I pass this intersection. The Rodeo sign is sooooo close to getting some good tang.

Paul and Ad are at the doctor. Hopefully, he will be able to figure out why Ad looks like a melting Indian Casino with Cameron Diaz’ spermed ‘do.

There’s Something About Scary

He’s there to get an ass checkup. They argue about which is the good kind of ass checkup. Paul likes upper and Ad likes lower. I like barfing up my dinner picturing these two’s cornholes. It’s like I didn’t go over my points at all. And now, to answer all of our burning question about this town, let’s find out a job in BevHills that fat people are allowed to have.

I may be relegated to a job no skinny person will take, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have a stupid name.

The nurse makes Paul do his own enema. LOL. He’s not ok with it. Sorry buddy. Helen would have done it if she’d stayed in Podunk, but this is Belen, and bitch has lines she doesn’t cross.

Ad knows that the butt exam is pretty risk free, but she wanted to be there anyway cuz, well, Paul’s getting something shoved up his ass and his pain makes her smile. He’s lucky she didn’t invite all their friends and use the visit to renew their vows or some shit. Paul calls her to the bathroom to help her with the enema and she storms out, pissed. HAHAHAH! I love them.

Maybe Lisa can show her how to shove her hand up her husband’s butt like she showed her how to stuff a chicken. Lord knows she’s had the practice. Why, here’s Ken now!

Dahling, hurry up. I need to get lunch out of you so we can have a propah dinnah.

Ken doesn’t have time to help with anything, so Pandy is left to peel labels off Charles Shaw bottles and replace them with gaudy pink I’m Marrying My Gay BF stickers herself.

He talked me into relaxing my claw bangs and will be mine FOREVAAAAH

Not to be left out of the family fun, Lisa’s maid picks the switch she wants to get beat with later.

Back to whatever’s up Paul’s butt. I love when there are random braille signs in places you’d never expect them. Do blind people just keep their hands outstretched hoping they’ll find tiny little dots that warn them they’re about to be in a crosswalk? I feel really sorry for the blind person that stumbles into this room:

JESUUUUS! Could you have been a little more specific with your sign? I was just here to get my nose done! OWWWWWW!

Wait. So we’re seriously gonna spend the season finale watching Paul get an ass exam? Yes. Yes we are. I take it back. My pity for blind people has turned into jealousy.

I’ll give you a healthy ass if you give me a Mister Potato Head in His Thirties face.

Ad goes in to check on him after the doc is done. She loves whatever they’re giving him. Then he farts. The nurse tells him to fart again, so he does. Then he does it in rhythm, like a fart band. I’m not making that up. This isn’t a Ken scene. Still farting. And….still farting. I’d FF, but I’m waiting to see if he makes it all the way through How Can I Get You Alone? Speaking of horrifying asses that gross me out and at the same time glue my eyes to my TV…

Back to the wedding. A worker is making Russ jokes. Too soon, dude. Too soon.

Dramatic music plays as Lisa watches workers carry in her ten thousand dollar cake. Insert Paul farting sounds. Let’s check to see if Kyle has come up with something interesting to do at the last second before the season is over. She’s trying to decide between a slutty tacky glittery dress and a tacky slutty glittery dress. Those dresses are too young and too old for you at the same time. It’s a talent.

Wanna watch Lisa fret over the gay Muppet being late to help with his own event? Me neither. FF. CAMILLE! Good ole Shlemiel hasn’t had a lot to do this season. Well, she had that “WE DON’T TELL ANYONE HE BEATS YOU!” moment, but otherwise zzzzz. Thankfully, we get a scene starring the real Asshole we’ve all come to know and tolerate. She’s got a new friendployee over (DD’s still chained in the basement for breaking down at the rented Malibu beach house) to help her pick out a dress for the wedding. In typical Shlemiel fashion, the friendployee is kinda homely so that Cam shines brighter.

Once we pick something I’ll get back to teaching Harry Potter how to ride a giant magical spider.

Cam starts going on about each dress in her closet. Bill Blass gave me this one! Pamela Dennis made this just for meeee! Liz Taylor was buried in this one so I had her dug up and stripped of it. It was worth every penny! We get it. You fucked fifty mil out of Frasier. The only shock here is that she hasn’t hired Daphne Moon to take care of her mom yet.

There’s a pink one made from Liberace’s man spanx, but Cam doesn’t wanna show up in Lisa’s color. One hag desperately struggling to hang on to childhood is enough for one wedding. She starts blahing about how hard it is gonna be when that kid she paid someone to pop out gets married, which of course leads to a talk about….flowers? Rainbows? A possible war with Iran? NO, SILLY! FRAAAAAASIER! He hurt her, you see. The fifty million band aid isn’t enough to soak up the pain. She still believes in marriage, though, but that one’s gonna be tough to beat. A hairy femme funny guy with a shit load of money. If only Dom Deluise worked more.

I’ve just typed three full paragraphs about Camille whining in her closet. That’s how thrilling this finale is. Back to the wedding. Gay Muppet finally shows up and swishes his way through the tent with “faboolous! Wondefool! Maveeloos!” Lisa makes it clear that he’s not earning his paycheck, so he starts “bling bling bling”ing and “shishishi”ing. How has GLAAD not had him shut down yet? He makes the cast of Project Runway look like a football team.

Fabulous! Giiirl! Oh no she dih’nt! Circle snaps! Hated it!

Everyone’s working hard to make this a great wedding. The plants are even in on it. As they sense Gayancé approaching, they get big boners.

Lisa goes to check on the bridesmaids, and they’re about as thrilling as you’d think Pandora’s friends would be. Where’s Melissa McCarthy to shit in a sink when you need her? Lisa’s only hired one makeup artist for all of them. Cheap ass. If they’re gonna get this done in time, they’re gonna need to be creative. Might I suggest paper bags? Thankfully, Lisa has a copy machine. Now there are three.

If you’re all gonna go to the same bargain bin doctor, at least ask for different faces.

An hour to go til the wedding, and Ken needs help writing a speech. Lisa won’t help him, so he stutters around until she announces that she’s leaving. Just when she is about to, he gives her a silent gift and boom! He’s got his two word speech written.

Wasn’t me.

Lisa looks like she’s playing Victoria Grayson in Telemundo’s version of REVEEENGE!

“Cada vez que te sonríen desde el otro lado de la habitación, o nos encontramos uno al otro en un almuerzo, o le doy la bienvenida a mi casa, que esa sonrisa sea un recordatorio de lo mucho que tedesprecian. Y cada vez que te abrazo, ese calor que sientes es mi odio a través de la quema “.

Mees, plees done gayt blood on dees drays. I have to return to Ross tomorrow.

Damn. Get me a rolling pin.

Lisa tells her to wear higher heels, but the maid knows that they can be used as a weapon against her later. She’ll stick to flats. Easier to run in.

Pandy comes down the stairs in her 6,000 dollar dress, and no tears spill from Lisa. Boobs do, though. Good lord woman. Never wear clothes tighter than your skin. You look like a lava lamp. Pandy blahs about how happy she is, but all I hear is Giggy’s tux.

So tacky to show up with the same hair as Ken.

Cam and Kyle are pre-partying at Ad’s house, and Cam is talking about how she’s gonna convert to Judaism. Not a bad plan. Where the hell else are you gonna find anyone richer than Frasier? She likes Jewish weddings because of yamakas. Always having something on your head reminds you that God is above you. If that’s the case, the Paul is the holiest man here. Check out that rug.

Always appreciate religious musings from a softcore porn star.

Cam’s full of shit. She likes Jewish weddings cuz people throw money at you on the dance floor and she feels at home. Could you imagine Yenta trying to offload that cow? The fiddler would throw himself off the roof.

Ad comes in all smiles. Today’s not the day to get mad. It’s the day to get Glad.

J-Mo emailed me about a LaToya sighting, but as much plastic surgery as there is at this wedding, I can’t find her. Oh wait. This must be her. Too far, LaToya. Too far. Put down the scalpel, girl!

Lisa waddles down the runway, barely able to walk with that dress on. HAHAHA! Hilarious. Ken walks Pandy down the aisle as Gayancé beams at his future divorce retirement funds.

Happy. Excited. Some might say gay.

Ken walks up to the preacher, says “I do!”, and wanders off. Then the preacher faints and the maid runs on to give him mouth to mouth so he can continue. Didn’t anyone warn the poor guy about Ken?

They take their vows, I take a pee. Ahhhhhh. Back. Everyone’s dancing at the reception. Where’s Camille? Found the perfect guy for her!

Lisa gives a speech and says nothing. Ken, though, gives a beautiful speech.

Roses ah red,
Violets ah blue,
If you smelt it,
It was probably you.

AAAAWWWWWW! As any good husband would, he makes his speech about what a great job Lisa did with the wedding and name drops her book title. So tacky. What were you expecting? It’s a freaking pepto wedding and LaToya Jackson is there. Ken and Pandy dance and it’s super sweet and I look at my wrist and wonder when it was that I decided to stop wearing a watch. When cell phones came out? Or when it just became too hard to lift my arm? Pandy smiles contentedly, even though this is going down as the most flaming wedding in history.

It’s called a sign.

And then Russell hung himself. Kyle’s having a party to celebrate. Failor is invited, which seems kinda tacky. Cam’s got a new man and everyone giggles about how big his wiener is. No one mentions that boyfriend’s brother gutted a guy, raped some strippers and is known as the Silver City Ripper, but hey. At least he’s not a sitcom star.

Everyone laughs and kisses and blahs, and then they start choking as the air is sucked out of the room. Failor’s here! And she’s brought Kennedy! To a party! She looks psyched to be away from her nanny for a night.

Hiyeeeeeeee! PARTAAAAAY! Kennedy go play on the swing. Why are you crying?

The girls all giggle and kiss and Fail compliments the hot pink on Cam. Ad gives a toast to Twitch, who’s missing. She jokes that she wants to go handcuff Twitch and force her to come, but me thinks Twitch is already handcuffed somewhere else pleading for Don Julio to come save her. Kyle talks about how hard it is being sisters with Twitch. Was this shot while Twitch was rehabbing or before? There is so much wrong going on in this room right now I don’t even know what to say.

Lisa whips out wedding pictures. Why can’t Fail scream ENOUGH! ENOUGH! at the right times? Can’t we talk about something important? Fail just lost her husband for crying out loud.

The season ends with Cam showing off her hot boyfriend and everyone giggling. This show is fucking confusing sometimes.

Catch Me if You Can…Oh Shit You Caught Me: by Fail

But her eyelids are heavier.

Every room smells like faht, dahling.

You may have missed the not so subtle hints that Ad hates Lisa. The editors didn’t.

She plans on going through with childbirth anyway and winning an ACE award for it.

The chapter only mentions Kathy.

The women share a toast as Ad tells us how they have all come out of this season stronger. Literally stronger. They had to hold Failor back half the time and that shit’s a workout.

I would give you long goodbyes and all that, but we’ve still got two weeks of reunions, a lost footage episode, and hopefully a Dinner Party From Hell Uncut: MEDIUM has her say. Fingers crossed!

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