Project Runway Recap: A Night at the Slopera

Previously on Project Runway: the return of Petty Page!

Is it me or has the service at the 99 cent store really gone downhill? I’m so yelping this shit.

 

Orville Redenbottom Mondo showed off his little girl rack too much and lost to Rami,

It’s because I’m wearing a shirt. I won’t make that mistake again.

…and poor CrazyFace Elisa was sent back to working as a box girl in the organic soap section of Whole Foods after her finger painting on a model made the judges mad.

If all angels looked this cheap and slutty, more people would go to church.

Angela HideMe comes out on the runway looking shocked and awed to still be there. I’m with her.

OMGWTF

Tonight’s challenge is all about ball gowns. You can accuse this show of a lot of things, but being in touch with the economy isn’t one of them. They do, however, showcase why men shouldn’t get botox. It’s a double standard, I know, but I just report the facts.

The guest judges are brought out: Badgley and Mischka! Are we sure this isn’t a dog park challenge? Cuz I could swear I’ve met bitches named that there. I think the really pale ice skater couple owns them. Austin Scarlett O’Scare says that he wants to pattern his career after these two. You better get a move on it, kid. You seem a little behind. I blame the bowler. And the glued on mustache. And the dime bag eyes. I wonder if he’s gone to lunch with HideMe yet. I’d love to see them sitting there bugging their eyes out at each other.

The challenge is called “A Night at the Opera”, and Mikey Chunk is psyched because he growed up wit da opera. Whenever it was time for the guests to leave family parties, his dad would shove a metal hat with horns onto his head and have him hum everyone out the door. Scarlett’s the instafave to win this one, but Hobosexual Jerell’s not scared of talent. Talented people usually have jobs, which means they have change. Austin will do whatever it takes for a win and lets the judges know that.

Woah. That won’t be necessary. Maybe just flip your collar down and shave.

They have one day and three hundred bucks. Chunk is basically just sketching out what HideMe just wore on the runway. April is determined to show the world that she can, in fact, use colors every once in awhile. That doesn’t mean she can’t depress the hell out of the judges anyway. The frowning vagina behind her is not a good sign.

Someone got their fertility tests back. 

Sweat P is still shocked that she was in the bottom last week. When did washcloths go out of style? “It made me feel like some kind of loser.” Wait until you lose. Mondo is afraid of this challenge, so he’s just gonna grab pretty stuff at Mood and let his fabrics speak to him. He’s gonna be in troubs when they only say “Shut Kenley the fuck up plz” over and over again.

Speaking of, Petty Page has found fabrics that are “sooooo me. Beautiful and feminine!” LOL. It’s not a goal challenge. I suspect she has a mole-y back.

We get to see Chunk’s sketch and I want to show it to you, because it’s always fun to see what he starts out with and what he ends up with. It’s the same thing he made last week, but without the mops.

April is also using red and feathers. LOL. She doesn’t see what the big deal is with using the same materials again, but he gets a new fabric. Is she fucking with him on purpose? I’d like to think so, but she doesn’t really seem to have the personality for that. Or…anything really. Maybe Reader’s Digest. Or naps. Chunk finds some black material and decides to go with it. I’m always scared for my sweet little Chunk, and tonight is no different. His shirt is even scared.

Can’t watch.

Scarlett O’Scare is still trying to communicate to the judges that he’ll do anything to win. Unfortunately, they’re all probably bottoms.

April decides to dye her material, and everyone around her is like NOOOOOOOoooooo! Except for Mila, who’s like

I will get that moooooose!

Chunk is working so quickly that even Mila has to compliment him. Plus, his work is right up her alley.

For the woman who doesn’t want to shave just to go to the opera.

Hagatha Coffee comes in to check on progress and we learn why she never smiles.

AAAAAAAAAHhhhhHHHHHHHH! Make it stooooooop!

I wonder if people at work try to piss her off all the time just so they never have to see that ghoulish smile. Petty Page is psyched to have Hagatha as their mentor. She actually works at Marie Claire, and most importantly, she’s not Tim.

Kenley, that looks like your cat pooped out bad attitude, you ate the litter it was pooped out in with a bad attitude, then you pooped it out for the second time in a toilet with a bad attitude and made it a zillion times concentrated in bad attitude.

We don’t see Rami’s work, but he tells Hag that he’s most scared of Scarlett. It’s not evident yet as to why, so for now let’s just blame the bowler hat again.

Austin’s all scaredy wah omg with Hagatha, because everyone expects him to be briiiiiiliant. Gordana Jellybeanhausen says dad eef Osteen ees good at da balls gown, dayn eet shooden’d be so skeerdy. In other words, man up ya girl! Hag’s not that excited about the time April’s taking to dye her gown, but she is happy that she finally knows what happened to Baby Jane.

Mystery solved! Now to find out who, in fact, is afraid of Virginia Woolf.

 

Chunk is making the famous “My husband sold me to an old dude for a mortgage payment” dress from Indecent Proposal, but with the addition of the facial hair collar. Scary music plays as Hag makes her way over to Kara, who’s been inspired by the Kleenex box in the greenroom.

Hagatha calls it a bridesmaid dress. Janky Janx is always a bridesmaid, so she should know better. Sweat P is bold tonight. She’s going with orange and … hot pink? Drugs are fun when you’re young, but at some point you gotta switch to vitamins.

Comes a time you gotta top medicating with joints and start medicating your joints. 

When the Hobosexual calls your shit tacky, you need to rethink. He’s wearing a pair of stained ass pantyhose he found in the trash as a shirt. Meanwhile, Mondo prepares to make the KKK glamorous again.

Anthony the Flamíngay is making another bridesmaid dress, so he tells Hag it will be different because it will be sluttier than a normal bridesmaid’s dress. Good. Hopefully Janx can wear it at the next wedding she’s in and finally nab a man. Rami is thankful for Hag’s compliments, because even though everyone thinks he’s perfect, it’s nice to be reminded every once in awhile. Shhhh. Pushups. Concentrate on pushups. There there.

Mondo tells us that Janky Janx is the bottom designer because she’s so insecure. If there was a reality competition that centered around making curtains my Meemaw would buy, she’d win a shit ton of money.

Back at Motel 6, Rami tries to give Flamingay static cling.

Flamingay says that everyone’s getting stressed out by the couture  part of the challenge, so they’re just gonna refer to it as the really really pumped up prom drisses challenge. LOL. He needs to be on every reality show. Janx moves from person to person to complain about sucking. She doesn’t know why it’s so hard, it’s not like her design is going “off the cojonees.” Huh? How has she lived here so long and thickened her damn accent? The next morning, she’s feeling more confident. It’s almost time, which means now we get to watch hair and makeup! SMOKE BREAK! When I come back, Chunk is doing a Mila impersonation.

Kenley calls out ten minutes. Who made her time caller? She needs to just shut up. Also, you can be jealous of a rack, but stabbing it to death is kinda tacky.

My boobs would like to take this time to apologize for whatever they did to you.

HideMe comes out on the runway looking shocked that Kenley’s cat just got thrown at her.

Georgina is so young, beautiful and talented. Unfortunately, I can’t see her angelic face without picturing this sweating and grunting on top of her:

I will, however, stop calling her Whoregina. It’s not nice. She’s fucked her way into a really good position in life, and I should respect that. You give me hope, girl! I’ve got fucking ugly dudes down, now I just need to become young and gorgeous and talented. BRB.

PettyPage is up first with a Barbie that some sadistic fuck burnt cigarette holes into.

Gordana Picantesaucehausen has made a dress from the 20′s for giant thighed women who want a little camouflage.

The beading on top is really pretty, but the back is only nice if you like muffin tops. Which I do. So yay. ?

Rami usually does an excellent job, but today his work is a bit yikes. Lot of folding going on here. I don’t like that the only gay guy on the show that works out is so obsessed with pink folds.

I had a friend who was a stripper that died a couple of years ago and no one really knew what to wear to her funeral. I wish we’d all had Mila’s number back then.

Pregnant ladies don’t go to the opera often. It sucks to buy a dress for one night, and it’s less fun when you have to get up and pee every five minutes. But just in case, here’s Sweat P to save the day. She says she loves to see her model float down the runway. I agree. At least with the “float” part.

And behind her is a giant Heathcliff balloon.

 

That’s one sloppy ass dress. Poor Sweat! I was kinda rooting for her. Mondo’s made something Mila will wear when she finally takes over the world and becomes Queen of the Next Ice Age.

It’s not a ball gown at all, but don’t tell him that. He’s seen Madame Butterfly! LOL! Then you know she dies in the end. You should have chosen something with a better outcome. That aside, I like that it’s functional. For the girl who’s always losing her purse.

Hobosexual says that he is being true to himself. I see it. It’s dumpy, sad, scaly and all over the place.

Janky’s gown isn’t as hideous as it was in the work room. It’s not really ball gown material, but it’s at least sewn well. She’s got Sweat P and the hobo beat.

They have maid service on Project Runway? Someone’s turned down the sheets on Flamíngay’s model.

Put a mint in her mouth and turn out the lights.

 

Scarlett O’Scare, the most brilliant ball gown designer in the world, has made a scene depicting Princess Lei being dry humped by C3PO.

April’s model walked through a really big puddle on her way here.

Chunk didn’t make a ball gown, but it’s still pretty. It reminds me of Angry Birds.

Gonna slingshot this bitch through some pylons and kill me some pigs.

 

Flamingay, April, Sweat P, Scarlett O’Scare, Janky, and Chunk are kept on the runway. How the hell did Hobosexi survive this one?!?! The judges start with Flamíngay. No one asks what the hell’s up with his model’s drag queen rubber boob plate, and it really bugs me.

Eyesack compliments him on redefining white. LOL. WTF does that mean? It’s still white. Georgi likes it, but doesn’t love it. April’s work is super crappy up close. It’s called tortured and rushed. Eyesack thinks Sweat P’s work is too prom-y and boob deflating. He falls all over Scarlett’s work, and the other judges follow. Janxy thickens her accent so much that a dingo swings by and steals her baby. Eyesack isn’t disgusted by her work, but he’s not too into it.

Eyesack calls Chunk’s Vegas dress perfection. He follows that up with “Kim Kardashian at the opera”, and I have to pause and wonder for a few minutes where the hell perfection is in that scenario. She’d be like “Why don’t they taaaaaalk?” In alone time, the judges repeat themselves, but April really seems to get dragged around more than the others.

One of the guests calls Scarlett’s dress tasteful and Eyesack says “I haven’t heard that word in soooo long!” Anyone doubt that? Me neither. They all love Chunk’s work but Eyesack thinks it’s a bit done. Flamíngay gets some good critiques, but this one looks like it’s going to O’Scare. And…he takes it! He blahs and flits and blahs some more. April and Sweat P are on the bottom. It’s twice in a row for Sweat, and that does her in. She’s out! Aw. I thought the Hobo would be toast in this one, but I’m glad he’s not. It’s nice to know there will be someone on hand to take the recyclables out of the trash can. Boo to global warming!

Next time, Miss Piggy!! OH HELL YES!

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