ZineCap: People

Nads is in New York til Monday getting more famous, so you suckas are left with me! Luckies!!

My favorite thing about Nads leaving is that it gives me an excuse to make fun of my favorite shitty mag, People! YAAAY!!! The top story at the time of writing:

Landon Donovan will not have a love child as rumored, “which is good news for me.” Also good news to the woman who would have to push the giant Donovan forehead out of her jay. Let’s all take a moment and breath a sigh of relief for that girl.

Really, Bethenny? How bout you plan on tying your tubes and taking some of that Bravo money to, I don’t know, Mexico or something. Bethenny in Mexico? Bethenny Having More Babies? Bethenny No Longer Clogging Up My Plasma? That last question is the only one I want a firm “yes” to.

Oh poor Jesse. Let’s all feel sorry for him. Wah. Hey wait a second. He had a rich gorgeous talented wife that he screwed over for a Nazi porn star or some shit. How bout let’s feel bad for…THE KID. She’s lost a mom, she’s stuck with a nasty ass dad, and she has to see pics of Sandy with her new BuyABaby all over the mags. I’ll take you Sunny! I can teach you how to…clean. And sew curtains and stuff. We can be like a two member version of the Van Trapps. But you won’t be allowed to sing. And you’ll have to actually cook more than those kids. I forgot what I was talking about. I can’t wait for parenthood.

Kelly Osbourne had a man? I had no idea. And she lost him? WAH! Sorry, Kell!! Don’t worry. Now that you’ve had one, you can get another. Finding a man is like riding a bike…that keeps running away from you. That probably doesn’t help.

Well what do you want him to do, People? Cry his eyes out? Do you think that people are on the Housewives shows because they’re rich and happy and have their shit together and have no problems? No. They go on those shows because they are broke bitches who want a free rented house for a couple months at a time. Let them be. When his cars get repossessed too, then it’s time for a good laugh. There’s nothing funnier than tow trucks. Stupid People.

How is that even possible? Didn’t Snookie get punched in the face by a dude last season? This year: hatchets. Fingers crossed!

Well, who wouldn’t wanna get rid of a kid named Kyron? America, stop giving your kids stupid names. Please. When you’ve got me siding with that evil whore of a woman it’s time to buy a book of baby names.

Man. It’s a struggle staying in the zines when you’re Enrique Iglesias. Water Skiing nude? Make a song or so that doesn’t suck, mkay? If you wanna be dude do it quietly and in my house.