Big Brother: The Stinkie Spellin Bey

Previously on Big Brother: lots of senseless boob shots.

Enough to keep an entire city’s contacts lubed.

We got to see other stuff too:

Extreme Jewiness

Wiener outlines and faces that weren’t cooked in the womb quite long enough.

Don’t forget a good old fashioned flamer!! Who’s kinda psychic apparently.

You’re gonna need to speak louder. Dammit dog stop mumbling you’re making mommy look like an idiot on national TV.

And….more extreme Jewiness.

Well, part my sea and call me Moses you’ve got some GORGEOUS TOES!

When we left off, Hayden the butterfaced buff guy nominated Boob City and Brendan for eviction. Most likely because he wasn’t the first one to get chased down by the slutty bimbo. I love that Hayden told Brendan that since he wasn’t accounted for during the big blackout that he is now “a suspect.” It’s like Clue, but with no deductive reasoning involved at all. And no candlesticks. Those would have come in handy.

Thank you so much for nominating me. Sorry about your face.

Brendon hugs Hayden and then goes around hugging everyone, like he just won the nomination for prom queen. He thinks he was put on the block because Hayden’s intimidated by him. Meh, who knows? What I do know is, Brendon has a hard time getting his sideburns straight.

When the lights went out and he couldn’t find his toothbrush, he just barbered himself instead.

Enzo the mafia wannabe, or as I like to call him, Pussy, tells us “da Brigade is runnin things right now!” I can’t help but like Pussy, cuz he’s the type of guy to try and wear those tidal wave bangs even when he’s way past thinning.

Hayden says that he put up Brendon cuz he’s “physically capable and mentally unbelievable.” Just like last year’s winner. You can never be too careful.

“I always hated the kids you were trying to cheat from that would cover their papers.”

Brendon and Boob City beeline toward each other and both cross their arms under their boobs for some reason. Cuz they’re totally into each other for their brains and stuff.

They go into the peach Golden Girls room and stutter words at each other. Brendon thinks they’re up on the block “cuz we’re like a couple type deal” and says that if he has to go out now, at least he met Boob City. She smiles and he smiles and I start crying a little and banging my head on the desk and muttering “I’m gonna die aloooone” over and over again while snot drips out of my nose.

Annie shows up a few minutes later to express her shock and dismay and really poorly thought out blouse, and she is soon followed by Lane, who is wearing a t-shirt for a really big girl. It’s literally got the boob shape cut into the top. Come on, Lane! I know Lane Bryant has good sales, but you look ridonk.

I saw this in the store and it had my name on the tag so I walked out with it.

I don’t generally believe in bisexuality, and think Annie is probably just new to the scene and afraid of calling herself a lez. That said, she’s pretty obviously checking out Lane’s butt. Discuss.

Lane wants to make sure that Brendon knows nothing of the Brigade alliance. No word on whether or not anyone’s told him what Brigade means. Annie says that she really likes Boob City and Brendon but she has to be super careful of associating with them now or people will think she’s bisexual. As Pussy enters, Boob City is telling Brendon that there’s no way Hayden is the type to put them up together and she’s sure someone is in his ear. Pussy looks back and forth to Lane a whole lot, looking totally guilty. Brendon says that Hayden’s dumber than he thought, cuz now he has a big tough competitor going against him. LOL. I love when people get all cocky on Big Brother. It’s like hearing someone brag that they’re really good at slot machines.

Pussy doesn’t like that Annie’s giving compassionate face to the couple because it means that she’s playing all sides and it’s suspicious. Or fishy, if you will. What does “get the face” mean? I googled it and found an article about a burn victim trying to get free face surgery. Now I feel super compassionate.

Out in the backyard, Pussy gathers with Hayden and Lane to gossip. Hayden says…well why even type it?

Pussy follows that up with “they got devastated today.” Just in case someone catches on that that’s not really English, he says it again. I guess to make it a pattern so everyone starts talking like that. He tells Hayden that Annie has an alliance with Boob City and Brendon. Hayden, of course, falls for it. At least I think that’s what this means.

My parents left me alone AGAIN!!

Annie walks right up and sits with them. The guys are all quiet and nervous and shifty. She tries to charm them, but they’re frozen. Brendon and Boob go lay on the hammock together so Brendon can whine some more and kinda sniffle. LOL!!! HE’S CRYING!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Boob says if she wins the veto she’ll use it on him. Then they get under a blanket and talk about going on a date. At least I think that’s what Boob is saying. She sounds like she’s talking with her mouth full. I don’t see how that’s possible since they didn’t bring out food. Maybe she just has a really big tongue?

In the kitchen, the HGs watch the couple and giggle, and we are treated to slurping and smacking sounds. Classy. Boob City says that she totally like feels like a twelve year old girl right now she’s not even kidding. If you were twelve years old I would give you a spanking, missy! Shame on you! At least take off the blanket. Chooch, are you getting this on the live feeds? Please send me pics. Thanks and love, Flipit.

Hayden is all offended that instead of worrying about being on the block and making him feel all powerful that they’re getting some instead. Sad horns. The next morning, Brendon wet naps his crotch and goes to the HOH room to talk to Hayden. They “dude” and “yeah, like” a lot. Brendon says that he refuses to campaign against Boob City. He will try to win the veto, and if he does he threatens to come after Hayden. Hayden is offended, but smart enough to shut up since he’s out of power soon. Brendon wants to get rid of the Sheriff types first, and then he stumps for Annie, confirming the bs that Pussy spilled into Hayden’s ear last night. OY. Brendon should, like, talk less. Hayden makes no promises and looks like he can’t wait to run straight to Pussy and gossip like a little biatch.

The HGs gather to pick players for the Veto Competition. Sheriff Mascara looks like she’s about to sob. This bitch is crazy and I hope she’s around long enough to show us just how much.

Brendon says that he will take himself off if he wins, and Boob City says that she will take Brendon off. UGH. She thinks that she will have a better chance of staying if she’s up against someone else than he will if he is. Seriously, women? GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. I hope that the competition has something to do with who can get the first signs of a bad back or something so she has a chance of winning just so I can see if she’ll really be that stupid.

Pussy’s name is pulled first. That’s two Brigaders playing. Andrew Tevya is next. Boob City picks Monet’s name out, and as she does it she rolls her eyes. It might have gotten past Monet….oh wait no it didn’t.

Monet says she wanted to use her giant boobs as punching bags in that moment. LOL. Hayden chooses Annie as the host. Pussy, Hayden and Matt (I think that’s his name. The dorky one. Typing that was quicker than looking it up and he hasn’t really made an impression yet) get together to talk. Hayden wants to keep Boob City (shocker) and get rid of Brandon, and if one of them wins veto he wants to put Annie up. Pussy disagrees because “if dat bitch ends up stayin’ she’ll start serious shit.” Wow. And correct. He wants Sheriff Mascara on the block, cuz “no one’ll fuckin vote huh oaf”. I think that she’s already been mentioned as the one to go home like five times by different people, so that’s probably wrong. Hayden is sold either way. Pussy’s got a hold on his tiny little Eight is Enough head.

Later, Brendon goes back up to Hayden’s room to get a firm answer from him about whether or not he’s gonna get some help. Then he pulls out the ole “he’s either with me or he’s against me.” Jesus. I think the last time I heard that was when Bush was threatening the world if they didn’t help him find Osama. I am putting money on the table that Brendon will use “gonna smoke em out” at some point this episode.

Hayden has nothing to say really, but says thinking about all this is “a lot to chew over.” When pressed, he says that if he wins the POV he will keep the noms the same. Brendon lightly threatens him again and leaves to the Golden Girls room, where he mutters positive affirmations to himself. Time for the veto competition! Something tells me this will have to do with immigration.

The first person to have an anchor baby wins!

The backyard is filled with strung up pinatas. Boob City calls it “a pinata siesta”, which means a pinata nap. HA! In her defense, pinatas are kinda lifeless. Pussy whips off his shirt in the diary room. EW. Please don’t do that. Should people who don’t work out be allowed to take off their shirt? OF COURSE. But not on my TV, k?

Cuz I don’t wanna go through this alone.

The game is called Cinco de Mayo, as in mayonnaise. Cuz there’s rotten mayo in the pinatas. More food in a challenge. Whoever comes up with these games has a serious eating disorder. Hidden in the mayo are letters. They have to collect the letters and make the longest word possible. YAY word games!! I love these on this show. The HGs who aren’t playing have to sit right up close to the action so they get sprayed. Ragan complains about it as gayly as possible because this is Big Brother and we wouldn’t you to get confused as to who’s who.

Gay Guy

It’s pretty traumatic all around.

Hayden brags that he plays college baseball so he knows how to swing a bat. I can’t wait to see how confident he is when it gets to the spelling part. He said “chews over”, you guys. Lane says getting “hit in the face with dairy” is downright unfair. I’ll tell you what’s unfair.

Does this man ever age?

Britney tries holding onto Lane, but he swats her off. Boob City isn’t good with “any kind of bat”. I am sure we all find that hard to believe. She slams the pinatas into the tree stumps to break them. Pussy says “you gotta go street on da pinadas. Gotta go street.” From the looks of it, that means tapping the pinatas super gently over and over again until they admit to cheating at canasta. Tevya has no problem with this challenge because if mayo gets in his mouth it’s totally kosher. OMG I totally forgot he was Jewish for a second. And how can that mayo be kosher? Doesn’t kosher mean it wasn’t touched by human hands or something? I am starting to question my own Jewiness now. Thanks, Tevya. Jerk.

Brendon is just getting as many letters as possible and trying to figure it out as he goes, but Hayden is trying to spell Journeyman. LOL. He says he’s only missing one letter, but he’s got E F B E N A Y E, which isn’t even close. I love this show. Pussy tells us he used ta work in a factory, wid pipes, brayass, nipples, stainless steel…wait. WHAT? I have no idea what this fool is saying, but I wish he would stop leaning back. His back flab is jiggling all over the couch and it’s mesmerizing. Trying to concentrate here, Pussy!

Tevya tells us that since he’s a doctor, he plans on spelling an eleven letter word. He’s a fucking foot doctor, k? He works with toe jam and hangnails. Unless there’s a crossword puzzle in the back of every Daily Jew Jewy Jewishness Jew News for Jews, I am calling it. He’s full of shit and probably can’t spell. Boob City is trying to spell Chemistry, cuz it’s “like my go to word”, but she’s missing two letters.

Hayden spelled Possible, and he does so correctly. I have to pause and rewind to make sure. Wow. Good for him. Pussy spells Factory, but it has less letters than Possible so he’s out. Boob City whips out Chemistry, beating Hayden. Atta girl!! Brendon is smiling and clapping for her, which means his word is bigger. She wanted to say she spelled that cuz she and Brendon have chemistry but she didn’t want the other HGs to get mad. Then she does that dumb laugh thing. Britney rolls her eyes and tells us that Boob City is trying too hard to convince us all that she’s an important scientist when we all know she makes her money with her giant boobs. Those are pretty strong words coming from a girl named Britney. And also true.

Monet spelled Cheaters, but it’s not enough to unseat Boob. Brendon spelled Understanding. Wowee! Thirteen letters. Tevya, who people are now calling Captain Kosher (blech), is very proud of his word. Pasturized. Bwahahahah told ya! It’s too short and spelled way wrong. Back to the toe jam, faker! Brendon wins! He says he’s coming for Hayden, which should be fun to watch. Boob City, dumb as a brick, is thrilled that Brendon won. Tevya insists that he threw the competition. Riiiiiiight. Meanwhile, Sheriff Mascara tries her hardest to get fired from her job like that idiot cop who posed for Playboy. She’s gonna have to try harder than this. This is just creepy. And you can’t get fired for that.

I’ll stick with being unlucky. Thanks.

Pussy and Matt talk about who to tell Hayden to put up. They don’t wanna get rid of Sheriff cuz “she’s useless”, so they decide Annie would be the best choice because she’s in the three person alliance. So silly. What can a three person alliance even do at this point? While we’re at it, what good is this four person alliance? How are they gonna get enough people on their side without looking like an alliance? And if they’re not supposed to be in an alliance publicly, then why are they hanging out together all the time in the HOH? And why am I typing so much about this? I think so I can have it on pause for a long time and stare at Pussy’s boobs.

Of course they’re advertising on this show.

I am in Texas visiting the family right now. It’s the first time I’ve seen a nightly news ad in half a year that didn’t feature bleached teeth or a weave.

How refreshing to see a fat old guy on the news. Long live Texas!

And we’re back. Pussy calls a Brigay meeting in his – I mean Hayden’s HOH room. “I think we should make a Brigay powuh move”. He says Annie is a liar and is the best player in the house. Has Annie done anything but cry about having a girlfriend? Britney comes into the HOH and gets on board with getting rid of Annie. Hayden doesn’t seem to be on board with this, so Pussy keeps repeating himself over and over again really aggressively. He’s sure he’s got little Hayden following right along.

Annie goes to hang with Britney and Monet. Monet gets out of there early, and Britney immediately tells Annie that Hayden suspects her of being in an alliance with the Boob couple. Britney is starting shit for no reason, and it’s gonna blow up in her stupid face. Annie immediately goes to find Hayden for a chat. She says that she heard that she was in an alliance and Britney’s the one who told her. HAHAHAH. Stupid Britney. Hayden is confused, but that’s pretty normal. He cryptically tells her that things will work themselves out.

Then he goes to Lane, another fount of knowledge, for advice. He thinks that Annie is scared now so if they save her she will owe them a vote later. If they get rid of Sheriff Mascara, it will be “less dramatizing to the rest of the house.” Listening to Lane grunt out words one by one very slowly as he pounds an apple back and forth in his giant hands is adorable, horrifying, and sad all at the same time. If there was ever an argument against the public school system in this country, it’s this show.

The saboteur comes on the screen to give a clue or something. Two of the HGs are lifelong friends! Sheriff Mascara looks skerd. The end of the clue is that it’s easy to figure out. Britney and Monet, cuz they’re both from towns where parents give their children really stupid names. People start guessing who the liars are. Tevya’s theory is my fave: Matt and Ragan are in a gay relationship. That’s just blindingly gross enough to consider. Tev gets super paranoid, stands up and kinda shouts that there’s no way he’s the saboteur because no one knows anything about Judaism. HAHAHAH. This guy’s hilarious. The HGs laugh at him openly and say they don’t buy it, and he’s not helping his cause by shifting back and forth and talking so fast and looking so goddamned freaked out. Dumbass. Pussy leaves saying that the saboteurs game is “caca”. HA.

Hayden mentions that Sheriff and Britney could be mom and daughter, which actually makes sense to me. I have no clue. I think Pussy’s the saboteur, but that’s all I know for now. Without really knowing of course. Time for noms!! Boob City doesn’t try to get him to take her off, and he doesn’t. Hayden replaces Brendon with….Annie. She smiles and says she knew it would happen. I couldn’t get the rest of it, but I think she said “lies..evil whims. Britney!” Hey, Britney warned you what are you pissed at her for?

Hayden might be right…

Annie tells us she’s pissed and blames Britney. She is convinced that she’s not gonna leave. Britney says she’s sick of that stupid skank and everyone knows Annie is looney, leaving Britney “off scotch free.” Well, glad you’re sober.

Who will be the first person out? I’m thinking Annie’s gonna dig her own grave on this one by losing her shit. So far I’m enjoying the season. How bout you? Thanks for being here. Sound off below.