Big Brother 12 Premiere: Sabotage, Saline, and Wieners

Tonight on Big Brother, Schoonie and Flipit get together to make fun of the new HGs in a sorta liveish blog!

Flipit: Sitting here staring at the TV. I am watching some weird doctor show while I wait. Everyone’s wahing about insurance.

Schoonie: I’m watching Access Hollywood, and they are talking about Emmy nominations. If both Bryan Cranston and Aaron Paul don’t win, I’m going to start clotheslining Emmy voters!

Flipit: EW. This is that Jada Pinkett Smith show. That family needs to be stopped.

Taking over Hollywood, one crappy project at a time.

Schoonie: SO EXCITED

Flipit: ME TOO!!! It’s not right for LoLo to not be here tonight. We’re supposed to be a threesome!

Schoonie: Is it possible that this will be our fourth summer together? INDEED

Flipit: That’s crazy. Ah, the memories! I wish Amber could be on this year. I miss her crypraying.

Schoonie: Whatever, I’m sure she has a very successful modeling career right now.

Flipit: Doing ads for Kleenex with crucifix patterns on it. America’s Next Top Crypray Model.

Schoonie: I mean, I haven’t opened a Laura Ashley catalog recently, but I’m pretty sure she’d be in there

Flipit: I forgot about her “I should be a model” thing. You know, smoking weed is good cuz you can relive fun memories over and over like it’s the first time.

(weird pause.)

Flipit: I have missed you. There I said it. Then I coughed and adjusted my balls.

Schoonie: Awwwwwww. You too…our alliance is unbreakable, no matter who is HoH.

Flipit: Holler! When is this damn show gonna start already! Hey there’s a robot commercial on tv right now. Did they do that on purpose?

Schoonie: HERE IT IS!

Flipit: WOAH! MAMABOT!

Schoonie: OMG her suit is RED

Flipit: She looks amazing with a little meat on her bones! I feel so much better out my body issues right now. Babies: the great equalizer.

Schoonie: It’s kind of weird that she’s no longer pregnant.

Flipit: The bot with some calories in her oil can. This is gonna be a super famous season.

The bot welcomes us to the 12th season of BB in her usual charming, adorably stilted way. Let’s take a look at the house!

The Golden Girls: 2030

Flipit: Tonight: Lots of neon and lit walls.

Schoonie: The house is mad neon.

Flipit: This house blows. Did you see the UK house? Ours barely got a paint job and a few chain wall treatments.

Flipit: A stripper would call this house tacky.

The bot comes back on to tell us how the game is gonna be played this season. Mostly like every other season.

Will this be the year that someone realizes this isn’t checkers?

Flipit: The Margaret Chobot

Schoonie: Oh I get it, every Asian lady is Margaret Cho. RACIST.

Flipit: It was fattist too. Racist and fattist in one sentence cancel each other out.

Schoonie: What’s with the asymmetrical blouse?

Flipit: It’s designed to let her whip out one boob for baby gas fill ups at a moment’s notice.

Julie tells us that this season, there is a secret saboteur.

Flipit: The saboteur’s no secret. Her name is GRODNER

The twist is that I will hand Evel Dick another win! Just for fuuuuuun!

Let’s meet some of the cast as they find their keys to the BB house!

Schoonie: I love that these people are “randomly” finding their keys in interesting places.

He’s smart to wear gloves. You never know where that key’s been.

Like I said. Gloves.

The chemist finds her key in a drawer full of urine samples. Nice.

Flipit: “I pray while I doctor people.” Dude, pray on your own time. I’m paying for this visit! There is such a thing as too much God. Just prescribe my Oxy and let’s both get on with our lives.

Who’s Jake?

Hayden tells us how the ladies love his hotness.

Schoonie: Seriously, Hayden?

Flipit: I can’t wait til he’s old and saggy. He’s gonna be so…lost.

Schoonie: Wow, her boobs are INSANELY scary

Flipit: I’m just a dumb girl with big boobs. Tehee!! What would Big Brother be without the sad stupid stripper? It’s like having a season of Project Runway without the overly flaming guy who tries to put his mark on urban lingo by repeating nonsense words over and over again.

RIIIGHT. You know that’s mouthwash.

Cuz mace is for pussies.

You’re under arrest. For wearing too much eyeliner.

Flipit: The sheriff is scaring me. The way she pokes so many layers onto her eyes that obsessively with an eyeliner pencil shows that she’s fearless and most likely pathological.

Self Described Genius…

Flipit: I’m a genius…with a neon plastic guitar.

Annie tells us she’s a bisexual and she’s totes gonna win cuz she can play both sexes.

That key will break out in sores by the end of the week.

Flipit: Both men and women know that bisexuals are sex addicts that can’t take sides. Never trust a bisexual! If anyone here has a brain she will be kicked out first.

Schoonie: Lane found his key in the anus of that horse.

Flipit: Well, he’s alone on a farm all day. There were no drawers to open.

Behind me is a drawing of a boobie. If you see one, RUN!

Flipit: Ugh. Gay guy with bow tie. Why? WHY?

Schoonie: I KNOW. As Pageant Talk would say,…

that is THE WORST.

Flipit: He has a PHD in communication studies. Then let me communicate this: stfu,k?

Schoonie: “Back Stabbing” is one word, genius. Nice PHD. Hi Kristen! You are amazingly hot.

The Jewish guy comes on and talks about being Jewish some more.

Schoonie: I seriously am already tired of Andrew talking about his religion.

Flipit: “Respect my religion!” I respect that you work out and make a doctor’s salary and have found a way to disguise your bald spot. Isn’t that enough?

Yamaka or bald spot hider?

Schoonie: And Enzo, WE KNOW you’re Italian

Flipit: That guy’s got a fake ass accent. Pizza piea tossa dougha mama mia Lugi Mario! SHUT UP. A couple of bowl haircuts. Just pointing it out cuz it’s important to take a stand against these before everyone is doing it.

Not ok.

Schoonie: Hey, at least Lane the cowboy knows he’s not a thinker.

Flipit: His strategy is to just be big and wait for a horse to come along that he can excavate for a prize.

Ragan tells us his strategy: he’s gonna become friends with the hot guy and then make him love him.



Flipit: You know what? I am offended that every time there’s a gay guy he’s super annoying right off the bat. That guy looks like Kentucky Fried Gay.

Time to check out the house!

Schoonie: What’s with the flowers in the studio?

Congrats on the fake baby! Here’s a bunch of fake flowers!

Flipit: I wonder if the chemist shows up like that to work?

Schoonie: I don’t think Rachel owns pants. Which is fine. But is definitely not safe in the chemistry lab when there’s a spill.

Flipit: She’s probably got tiny burn scars all over her legs up to right below her girl part. I can’t stop looking at them. That girl looks like she could feed an orphanage.

Schoonie: Like, with milk? Please.

Flipit: Babies fed on saline become really smart. And their contacts are always moist.

Schoonie: There are A LOT of fake boobs.

Flipit: On both the men and women

Schoonie: Like, more than normal. Which is saying a lot.

Flipit: And….homeless woman scarf. Glad you dropped the stereotype and went straight for another stereotype.

Schoonie: He definitely yelled “Mazel Tov”. Seriously, be Jew-ier

Flipit: He’s like “Sunrise Sunset!”

Schoonie: Just buy a fiddle, climb up on the roof, and call it a day.

Flipit: If I were a rich man why I’d ladedadeda, mkay? Chen: The two girls who scream like idiots the loudest will be be let in first.

Winners!

Over it.

Flipit: Love the gay girl!!

Schoonie: That’s because she reminds us of Laura. Who was awesome

Flipit: That guy works out and looks great from the neck down. Unfortunately, you can’t work out your face.

Schoonie: Dude, I was about to call him a butterface.

Flipit: WE HAVE THE SAME TASTE

The houseguests sit around the living room and get to know each other.

Flipit: Kristin links all of her words together into one big slightly drunk chain.

Schoonie: Kristen is SUPER HOT, sorry. She is my Jessie.

Flipit: Not as pretty as Jessie, but yes. Pretty. She just needs to, like, pause, between, words. Occasionally.

Schoonie: Rachel has too much makeup.

Flipit: She has too much everything.

Inna da Joisy datsa what we coal Boob City.

Schoonie: We are calling her that.

Flipit: Boob City. Done.

Flipit: Uhoh. Tiny booby Monet hates Boob City! “She has giant boobs, but I have loving cats!!” SHOCKER! Let me guess, you have a season pass to “Army Wives”, too.

Schoonie: That does not bode well for her strategically.

Flipit: For who? Boob City or Tiny Jealous Boob girl?

Ragan talks about forming an alliance with the hot guy.

Schoonie: Okay, Ragan is dead to me

Flipit: Of course you want to form an alliance with the hot one. He’s so getting used.

mytypefursuuuuureehahaomglolhairtwiddleslurrrr

Flipit: What is this girl even saying? She needs to talk…better.

Jewish Guy talks about…being Jewish some more. He’ll cop to that cuz he wants to keep his bald spot hider, but he’ll tell people he’s a shoe salesman instead of a podiatrist. so they don’t resent his money. Brilliant!

Schoonie: “Yom Kippur”. That’s exactly what it’s called. Smart move hiding the doctor thing, though. Until he tells someone next week and it becomes public knowledge.

Flipit: “They’ll feel sorry for me if they think I’m poor.” HAHAH! Pity the poor Jewish guy. Totally worked though. Look at the sheriff’s face!

Poor Jewish guy! How does that even happen?

Schoonie: Britney: also hot.

Flipit: I like when you said “if you mentally picture a girl named Britney that’s exactly what she’d look like.” So true.

That ring totally means she won’t be making out with a half naked guy in the hot tub by week four, right? RIGHT?

Schoonie: They did a good job with the girls this year.

Flipit: Joisy is threatened by the Deputy Sheriff. I’m from New Joisey YOU GUYS! GETDDIT!

Schoonie: I have a theory that states “Never Trust A Dude Wearing A Justin Timberlake Hat”.

Flipit: Totally. Or mandanas. Or jorts. Or fauxhawks.

I don’t care how gay you are. Get a collar.

Flipit: There is no way that Kentucky Fried Gay’s real name is Ragan. He’s just trying to sound less Republican. I wish I could follow him around and whisper “tear down this wall!” in his ear tauntingly.

Whattup wid da Joisy dude tawkin like a goddam dumbass, eha?

Schoonie: Annie? Love her.

Flipit: Me too she’s gonna be fun times. She seems to be the first HG in a long time who truly gets how fucking stupid this all is.

Britney says that she has found her soulmate in Ragan because he’s a raging homo and “those are my people.”



Flipit: A faghag romance!! This is so sweet. And it’s not gonna end well. He’s gonna screw her over for the hot guy. You watch.

Schoonie: Wow…lots of gay stereotyping early, even for this show. Britney LIVES IN CHICAGO! Oh man, freaking call me, girl.

Annie tells us about herself. She has a dog named Cubby Bears.



Flipit: No bisexual names their dog after TWO sports teams. Honey, you’re a lesbian. It’s ok. Baby steps.

Schoonie: Just…name the dog after two things you love. “My dog’s name is Jersey Shore Big Brother.”

Flipit: She says she doesn’t wanna come out of the closet to the hg’s, but she just did with her butch dog name. I know the feeling though. My dog’s name is Xena. That’s pretty gay. I hope no one can tell.

Schoonie: “My dog’s name is Intercourse Fellatio.”

Flipit: Marlboro M&Ms.

Schoonie: Marlboro PRETZEL M&M’s. Seriously, have you had those things? It’s like eating little pieces of an angel.

Flipit: YES! I had one the other day and didn’t know it had a pretzel in it. I got the salt and thought wow a stray salty nut made it in there. But then I crunched it and my tongue took a second. And then I was in love. What were we talking about?

Schoonie: Annie’s definitely an early favorite.

Flipit: Yeah I am on team Annie too. And I like the Deputy Sheriff. Because I respect the pain she inflicts on her eyes just to look crazier.

Commercials

Schoonie: That fat people sitcom looks THE WORST

Flipit: Oh I haven’t seen that. Wait, Huge? About the fat kids?

Schoonie: From the people who brought you Jokes About Dorks, it’s Jokes About Fat People! Mike & Molly

Flipit: Wow. Fat people are on everything these days. Fat people are the new People from Jersey.

I’m fat!





Me too!

Let’s take a nap!

I was hoping you’d say that!

Julie talks about the saboteur list. The hgs are SHOCKED that there is a secret something other.

Schoonie: Like these people know what the word “Saboteur” means.

Flipit: Everyone’s too embarrassed to ask for a definition. They think they get to watch an Abba Tour.

The saboteur can sabotage an individual, a group, or everyone. They just have to get to the halfway point and then they get $50,000.

Flipit: Joisy just found a reason to say the word harangue. Wow. Good for him. I never would have seen that coming.

Schoonie: Damn, 50k to make it five weeks? Pretty good. I’d take that

Flipit: Are they allowed to win the game, too?

Schoonie: I love how cheesy this twist is. Like that thing with the twins switching out a long time ago.

Flipit: There’s never been a twin story in our culture that hasn’t worked. The Parent Trap, the dueling Marlenas on Days of Our Lives, Big Business…

Schoonie: That season with the twins was awesome. How is this twist any different from normal, with the whole house trying to screw you over anyway?

Flipit: Full House…wait. Those were twins playing the same girl. So this is like America’s player? Will this person have duties and stuff?

Schoonie: It’s pretty much America’s Player.

Flipit: America’s Eyebrows Part Two.

Schoonie: Except I’m hoping the stuff they have to do is even more lame.

Flipit: America! It’s time to vote! Do you want the saboteur to a. rub his belly and pat his head at the dinner table? b. twirl his or her hair while whistling Jesus Loves Me or c. wipe a boogar under their bed? Calls are only 9.99!

Flipit: We get to meet the saboteur!

Flipit: Jeeze the sabotuer has demon voice. “I have kidnapped your baby and will feed it to Satan if you don’t give me eight million dollaaaaas RAAAR!”

Schoonie: The saboteur is Kristen…calling it.

Flipit: I think it’s the Italian. That guy’s a cartoon. He has to be acting. They all just keep oohing and aahhing and looking confused.

Schoonie: I love how these people have no real idea how the saboteur thing works or anything.

Flipit: They’re gonna start flipping through the Bible to see if there a definition in there.

Commercials. And we’re back.

Flipit: That sheriff is working really hard to be soft.

I don’t handcuff people and throw them down on the ground! I’m just a girl y’all!

I wonder how my grass is doing.

Flipit; Has that giant guy said anything?

Schoonie: I don’t think so. He doesn’t talk.

Flipit: That’s hot.

The bot asks for someone to volunteer to be a mascot for the HOH comp. And…The Jewish guy volunteers. He gets to dress like a…giant hot dog.

Schoonie: Why did he raise his hand so quickly?

Joisy says the whole thing is fishy.

Flipit: Everything is gonna be fishy to that guy. He just said “Arose” a red flag. He did that on purpose. That guy’s a fake.

Schoonie: Are hot dogs kosher? And…someone made the joke.

Flipit: Tevya is betraying his religion for BB already.

God can’t be happy right now.

Schoonie: I’m not sure it sets the right tone to be in a wiener costume on day 1. Andrew’s safe from the first eviction, which makes me think he might be the saboteur.

Flipit: It makes me think he’s been secretly dreaming of the chance to cover himself in wiener.

Schoonie: However, would they really make the token Jew the saboteur? That’s racist, even for this show.

Flipit: Well, they do own everything. The goal in this HOH comp seems to be to splurt ketchup all over each other in very little clothing. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Schoonie: Ooh, the LAST person to cross gets to be HOH! Interesting.

Flipit: Wouldn’t that be awesome if those coals were lit?

Flipit: Man Julie is taking a long ass time explaining this game. How hard can it be? Look at this cast. I really wish there were a couple of old people here. Renny can you hear me? Probably not, but that’s why I love you. She’s probably watching this at home wearing a turban, martini in hand, muttering about how pictures got small.

Schoonie: Miss her. That season was AWESOME.

Julie explains that they have to ride the wieners across the coals. Or something.

Schoonie: What, no obvious wiener jokes? You’re disappointing me.

Flipit: I zoned out. I hate instructions. I’m sure the game is all very intricate and stuff but Jesus she’s been explaining this shit for five minutes. Who showed their wiener?

Schoonie: Oooh. They have to take a shot to the face. Of catsup.

The winner gets $10,000.

Flipit: Look how the Jewish guy reacted to the words “ten thousand dollars”. This show is so wrong.

That coulda bought me lots of coupon books.

Schoonie: Brittney said “blasted the wieners”

Flipit: What the hell is Kristen trying to say now?

ihadnoideawhatthestradegyisuoranythiiingslurrr

Schoonie: I love that they clearly ordered these people to refer to them as “wieners” and not “hot dogs”

Flipit: Day one: all dignity lost. The sound effects are so gross. Slimy skin slapping up on those things. That girl farted on the giant wiener. Her mom just turned away from the TV, crying really hard.

Flipit: Kentucky Fried Gay flew right over. Well, in all fairness, he’s had lots of practice.

And…bottom. Unmystery solved.

Britney falls.

Schoonie: Man, she took a SPILL

Flipit: Oh no they’ve already paralyzed someone. She was too pretty to live for long. The naturally pretty girls always have trouble with fully attacking wieners.

Schoonie: How do you know?

Flipit: I am friends with them all! Trust me I know more than I want to. Boob City’s shorts were so far up her vagina that they had to fade it out! LOL!

One good tug should do it. Or you could wear underwear.

Schoonie: That’s kind of how this show works

Flipit: Just thought I’d point that out. I think that was the first blurred out vag shot of the season. How big is your flower when it has to be blurred? Do something with that thing. Like…tuck it or something.

Schoonie: Like some type of origami? Not really how it works.

Flipit: Some girls have floppy ones.

Schoonie: If I affirm that, it will be on the internet.

Schoonie: If I deny that, it will be on the internet.

Flipit: It is already affirmed all over the internet! I’ve seen plenty of floppy ones. Yay internet!

Britney falls. AGAIN.

The doctor is frozen and won’t help for fear of giving himself away.

Flipit: I can’t blow my cover by saving her life!! What kind of honorable Jew would I be if I played that Good Samaritan bs? She probably faked it.

Schoonie: “I’ll sabotage this competition by shattering my patella!” I think we can safely rule Britney out as the saboteur.

Flipit: I am googling patella right now. It sounds like a delicious grain.

When we come back from break, Britney is still wahhing about falling. Everyone watches on as a “medic” comes to help.

Flipit: Oh good Lord.

Schoonie: There’s a medic already? This show is not Survivor.

Flipit: How come everyone’s just standing around watching her? The medic looks like a worker in the marijuana industry.

Britney says she’s embarrassed about the whole falling off a wiener thing.

Schoonie: Who hasn’t lost their dignity on a slippery wiener?

Flipit: Cheers to that.

Chen asks Brits if it’s ok that she sits this one out and stays safe.

Schoonie: I think her cheering is evidence that she’s fine with it, Chen. She is clearly happy about not continuing.

Flipit: How can you not wanna give her a free pass? Poor thing. She looks like the girl on the Les Miserables posters right now.

Schoonie: Aaaaand first super gay musical reference of the season.

Flipit: I know I’m a stereotype too ok sorry. But really. She does.

See?

More Itialiano talka talka from Joisey.

Flipit: That guy’s faking it. I’m telling you.

Schoonie: I feel like I’ve been watching this competition for eight hours

Flipit: This is very intense. I have no idea what’s going on.

Sheriff Mascara lands on her face.

Flipit: That girl fell flat on her face! How come she doesn’t get to sit out!

Schoonie: She’s a cop, so she’s probably sturdier.

Flipit: Her face still looks the same as before the fall. That’s…sad.

The buff butterface guy wins!!

Schoonie: So the big dumb guy is the first HOH. That’s NOT AT ALL LIKE LAST YEAR

Flipit: Gee now I wonder if he’ll get all power crazed and arrogant and piss everyone off so they get rid of him before the halfway point?

Schoonie: Julie is rocking that Sarah Palin suit.

Flipit: She’s on the red team! Way to be a neutral host, bot! She’s like thanks for watching I need a couple of minutes to whip my boob out with my specially tailored trap door blouse and recharge the brat. So who’s the saboteur? I’ve said it thirty times and I’ll say it again. The Italian guy. He’s balding. They’ll pin it all on the balding guy.

Schoonie: RACIST.

Flipit: Baldist.

Schoonie: I’m just going to call you a racist this season, no matter what you say. It’s my new thing.

Flipit: The word racist is losing it’s power in our time. That’s a totally common way to end an argument about anything these days.

Schoonie: It’s like calling someone Hitler.

Flipit: How do you even fight that accusation, other than not hunting Jewish people to build up a decent track record?

Schoonie: America, dial in and tell us who you want the saboteur to execute!

The lights go off!

Flipit: Power outage! Let me guess, Joisy thinks this is…

Yo dat’s FISHY.

Flipit: There it is.

Schoonie: Brendon just went to bed. That’s pretty great. “It’s dark, better sleep!” He’s like one of those animals who goes to sleep when you cover the cage with a blanket.

Flipit: Like a little bird.

Schoonie: WHO DID IT? Yawn.

Lights come back on.

Flipit: Brendan: I went to brush my teeth. LOL. What a moron. “The lights went out so I decided it would be the perfect time to do a jigsaw puzzle or read a book.”

Whoever turned out the lights has put a lock on the pantry door.

Flipit: You will starve until you start eating each other. Now that’s a twist.

Schoonie: Britney: “They must have done that when it was dark.” Nice assumption, idiot.

Flipit: Ooooh it’s so scary! That lock is tiny. Just hit it with a heel. I think it’s the gay guy. He looks super guilty.

Wadn’t me.

Schoonie: They can’t make it the gay guy just like they can’t make it the Jewish guy.

Flipit: Nuhuh. You’re still allowed to disparage gay people. Just watch any of RuPaul’s shows.

Schoonie: It’s going to be someone white and plain.

Flipit: That could be any one of these people. Even the black girl is white and plain.

Schoonie: And….done! Dundunduuuuhn!

Flipit: I can’t believe it’s already over. There’s enough bad English and bowl cuts to keep me interested at least half the season. So glad this show is back. Had fun with you Schoon!!

Schoonie: Racist.

Come back Monday for a regular recap from Schoonie, followed by LoLo and Flipit. Thanks for being with us this season! Also, check out Chooch’s live feed coverage in the forums.