American Idol Results: America Hates Good Hair

We’re not one second in before we are thrown a major spoiler.

Not that it’s a huge surprise, but still!

Very important epic music plays while the camera zooms around the contestants. Lots of Vaseline on the lens. Ellen looks ten years old.

Crystal Hobosox (Thanks itch!) says that she doesn’t care what happens cuz she’s comfortable in her own skin. Your skin will be more comfortable in a nice hot shower. Casey Prettiness says that he’s just here to make his fans happy. Then shut up and take something off. Lee just says “awesome!” and he does it without stuttering. Well done!

Then we are shown a pic of why Hobosox should have her baby taken away by child services.

Stop shaking that baby! He’s not a tin can!

There are lots of movie titles and sounds of swords crossing, so I’m assuming this will be a Robin Hood commercial. I hope Russell Crowe will come out and start yelling at people for no reason. Lee says he wants to do this for the rest of his life. Really? So this is better than MIXING PAINT? Noooooo.

If I worked with Cecile, I would call her Cooties Coutaz. Cuz I’m mature like that.

All the kicked off kids are here! Hi Sio!! Scream something! Also that blonde girl who looks like Brooke White is here. She looks like a melted candle.

MexiGokey is in the dark. Which works for him.

Over forty seven million votes came in! If there were that many viewers you guys wouldn’t be on death watch! Let’s say hi to the judges! Randy ditched the Mister Rogers look for a plain white t-shirt. He is very wordy tonight though. I think he’s speaking Shakespeare.

Woo has to be Latin for something. Otherwise he’s just a moron.

Ellen looks like an off duty private dick at Easter time.

Fans finally got pissed off enough to tp Skara.

Simon looks like one of the pig’s ears I give my dog. Man, she loves those things.

Tink says they’re all gonna be on The Simpsons this week. Wow. This cast will be on an entertaining show. Alert the news! Simon is shocked that Tink says hi to him. He doesn’t make a gay joke. Well what the hell good are you?

The final 3 are brought out. Tink wants to get inside their heads. This is gonna be deep. Prettiness says that it’s surreal and then he starts working his shirt like he’s trying to cover his love handles. I love when pretty guys are insecure. It kinda balances things out.

Yes. You do look fat in that shirt. HUGE. Let’s hug.



Hobosox stutters about nothing. What is going on with all the stuttering? I blame Obama. People stutter to sound Presidential. Lee stutters about how he’s become a better person because of American Idol. LOL. Fame does that. It turns people into saints.

Have you guys ever pictured yourself winning? Casey says no. Uh oh. You didn’t do the secret! You’re out! He reasons that winning ten million in the lotto may not be as great as winning a hundred mill, but it’s still ten million. He’s got an inflated sense of the prize. Dude. You win a Ford. If you lose you don’t even get a bus ticket.

Hobosox and Lee stutter positivity. Tink just keeps asking them questions. I didn’t come here to see people talk off key for chrissakes. Get to the shitty singing! Casey talks about how he can’t return a hundred texts a day, and then Hobo says that she’s a diabetic mom and that stresses her out but she’s totally got AI healthcare now so she’s all good. Ellen looks like she’s falling asleep.

Have I mentioned that I know Melissa Etheridge yet? Can’t forgeeet to teeell theeezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Randy blathers on about how much confidence Lee has gained. Especially in the meemaw hair department. He says Hobo was too indie for this show but has sold out nicely, and Pretty is pretty. Then the contestants talk more about nothing. This needs to stop. Hobo kisses ass and says all the judges’ comments were great, and Pretty laughs and says no they weren’t. LOL. Well they were for her, cuz she had judge head up her ass the whole season.

Man, I wish there was a car that looked like a super ugly Prius with enough room for one of my legs and maybe a bag of ice and everywhere I went people would point and laugh at me. And now, if I could get that car in avocado green. The kind of green that appliances came in in the 70′s. Or that babies poop out when they don’t feel good. Holy mother! That car has been invented! And it’s about to run over Tinkercrest! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Oh no Mr. Bill!

Today’s Ford story is about what the cast did to a poster of Sio that used to hang in the crew’s greenroom.

Stop grinding your vag on it so we can spray paint it proper like, Hobo!

You think you’re so great with your screech yell and your bong making and your janky teeth and your old friends! I’ll show you sucka!

Once they’re done drawing donkey dicks all over Sio, they spray paint images of themselves! They’re projecting a bit though. Prettiness is butch and Lee doesn’t have love handles. Hobosox has given herself even bigger hips though, so she can keep it real and no one back home calls her a sell out. It’s also why she will never wash her hair properly or get caps on her teeth.

The fake versions of the contestants all sing on pitch, have charisma and apparently taste, too.

There’s no way we’re getting in that fugnacious death trap.

Let’s just draw our own and deface the shit out of it.

And now back to the burning question of the evening: Why does Prettiness have so much makeup on? He’s starting to look like a Cabbage Patch Kid.

Willa Ronda Brenda

So down to Earth I didn’t even notice that camera in my face!

That there camera’s on little ole me? But I’m just a paint salesman! Derdeedlederdeedledeeer!

If that guy isn’t a spokesperson for Cracker Barrel by the end of the year, their entire advertising department needs to get fired.

Now for more home footage. I’m glad they broke this up and spread it over a couple nights. It keeps us on the edge of our seats. I haven’t been this intrigued since I picked a boogar outta my nose in the shape of the Virgin Mary. Spoiler alert: it was just a boogar. Let’s join Prettiness on his visit to Texas!

The wing’s on fire! The wing’s on fire!

Look! Concrete!

His fans have no problem getting totally honest about why they like him.

Pretty is totally impressed that all those cops are following him like he’s the President. What he doesn’t know yet is that Hobosox has put a bomb in his backpack and tipped off the pigs.

Seriously. PULL OVER.

So, what do you think about the oil spillage? Can it be stopped? And how?

Oil is very important. For hair. And lubing yourself up before you bang a cougar and ride her labia all the way to the finals. GO OIL!

You totally have a chance. Yes, scared guy in the back. I’m talking to you.

Carrie Underwood with too much lactose. And a foot instead of a hand.

Keep it in your pants, skank!

OMG PLEASE tell me that he’s not seriously from a town called Cool. LOLOLOLOLLL. Town of gorgeous hair and boar faced children.

Ow! She bit me!

Heck yeah I’ll sign your collar bone! Then I’ll do a line of coke off your knee. CUZ I’M A STAH!

Poor dog. It later died of Sharpie poisoning.

And…glue.

The giant bunny helps a little girl who’s family just crashed into a tree.

I am a card carrying mo, as you know by now. Boobs are kinda wondrous to me. I don’t get them, but I appreciate them. Well, I used to. Now, they plain horrify me. Sorry, boobs, but this bitch ruined you for me.

Pretty was in an accident a few years ago. Aw! He’s going to the hospital now to thank the people who saved him. Then he’s gonna go thank the people who helped him when he locked himself out of the house a few years ago.

Don’t tell me. This is where you guys have all your weddings.

We don’t find out what the accident was, which means it was probably kinky.

Unfortunately, the gerbil didn’t survive.

Reba McEntire! Stop stalking and get back to brilliant sitcom acting!

Please say you’re here to pay your bill.

You busy later?

Pretty goes to sing a couple a ditties at the town fair, and his old girlfriend shows up.

Back to the show. Tink, prob about the drag queen, shakes his head and asks “What were you thinking?!?” Pretty just shrugs and says that girlguy could swallow a garden hose and still pull it together to pour a bowl of Fruity Pebbles into a bowl the next morning. Tink nods knowingly.

Prettiness can’t describe the home visit experience. Partly cuz he’s trying to cry, and partly cuz he doesn’t know English too good. I hope he doesn’t become too famous, cuz Kathy Bates will lock him up in a cabin and start chopping off body parts.

I’m watchin you boy!

Has this show lost credibility for you guys this season? If not, then please consider that PEREZ HILTON IS HERE.

Cancelled.

Tink gives Perez cred for discovering Lady Gaga. Having a dick drawn on your face on the internet is the new discovered at Schwab’s lunch counter.

Chucky smiles.

Perez discovered Travis Garland online. Most likely jerking off. He claims Travis is better than Justin Timberlake. Well, he’s certainly better at sounding like one of the girl chipmunks from Squeakuel. There’s a Brady Bunch editing thing going on, to show us that at every angle this kid looks kinda like Perez. Yikes.

I love the beat to this song, and I’m super glad that another young castrato has found an in in the lip sync business. The beat is coming from the old tired cast of Stomp.

Wake up or retire, fool! You’re on TV!

Finally. Leg warmers are back. For dudes.

The kid runs up the stairs and pretends to sing high notes. That was good. But he’s no JT. I appreciate the leg warmers though. Keep syncing, kid!

And now let’s visit Hobo’s town! She rolls in in an empty cargo car with her belongings tied to the end of a stick while playing the harmonica. Her welcoming is….quainter than Pretty’s.

This town may be a lot of things, but it’s certainly not hungry. Or bathed.

Jeeze. There are like ten mics in this shot. Even her vag has one! It’s gonna sing “Wash That Man Outta My Hair Not”.

She makes her way to the AT&T store, but she still owes them money for an old bill she skipped so they don’t let her in.

The guy who played the fiddler in Deliverance is even there. Star studded event.

Why do dentists have such an aversion to this town?

Hobo gets to sign a pair of tits after all! She tells the guy “you better bathe though.”

How bout you ALL bathe?

It’s crazy Claire from Lost! Where’s my bebeh?!?!

She plays peekaboo in the limo and passes out flowers she stole from the library. Then Samuel L Jackson gives her the keys to the city!

Now you can stop breaking all the windows.

She goes home to see her family and her kid. I thought the kid was with her the whole time. LIES! I can’t tell her and her dad apart.

Twins!

Bowerstock: Equally offensive to Woodstock and crucifixes. It’s like Woodstock! And people getting nailed to crosses! Sounds about right.

Random question, but how come no one’s crying during their home visit? That’s an AI first, and it’s happened twice in a row. She tries, but no salties come out. Oh wait. She’s crying now.

That song we just heard is called “Holy Toledo” and she wrote it! It’s on the album “Jumpin’ Jehosaphat”. Now for Lee’s home visit!

Quien es??

Lee is gonna win because he is legitimately crying before he even gets out of the car. Also, he really knows how to bring out the pretty in people.

I’m no math wizard, but I think that adds up to Leel.

Lee gets to throw out the first pitch at the Cubs game! Damn, he just smoked the other home visits. Pretty visited a fucking key store for crying out loud. And he’s not the only one that can get fetuses in a tizzy.

Until he starts singing.

Simon’s replacement.

Public education = wasted tax dollars

Awww! OK YOU WIN!!

Lee’s a fucking mess. He cries. And then cries. And cries more. And then he cries. Poor guy. I wish I was there to hug him. And then slap him. And then kiss him. And then slap him again. And then take money out of his wallet.

Lee’s dad says he’s so proud of Lee that he doesn’t have words. Like father like son. Then Lee gets a parade. And he cries. Then he has a concert. And he cries. And sings off key. And cries more. He’s so sweet.

Aw Lee. Just looking at him reminds me of the first time we waxed Susan Boyle. Tears.

Before

After

What does it feel like to make your dad proud? WAAAAHHH stutter stutter nothing blahness WAAAAH!

Justin Bieber is here!! Jesus you guys he’s like three. And he can sing his ass off. Bowl hair aside, what a talent. I don’t need to ever hear this song ever again as long as I live, but how cute! He’s like a tiny white Michael Jackson. When he’s older he’ll be a regular Michael Jackson. But alive. And with working nostrils, knock on wood. The best singing of the season came out of a three year old. When his balls drop he’s gonna be screwed.

My friend Tricia told me that her little nephew said he likes Justin Bieber but he’s a little repetitive. “All he says is baybeh over and over.” LOL. Kids say the darndest things. Justin drops the mic and starts playing the drums. Well. WTF? Then he stands on his head, speaks Chinese, comes up with a solution to world hunger and spits out equations. Who gave birth to this thing? Get it off my TV.

Robot baby.

You know Perez is cutting himself in the girls’ room right now. Bieber will have a dick drawn on his face by morning and then Perez will claim to have discovered him. Now for some results. Perez, you lose! Hobo looks terrified. Lee’s in! Hobo’s in! Pretty’s out! He’s totally thankful and asks if he can keep the makeup he was given. Then he sings. His mic is off for awhile. This poor guy gets no respect. But he gets plenty of ass so screw him. He sings the “heart in my hands” lyric directly to Skara, which is nasty. He picks up a cute little girl, walks around with her, and then steals the bow off her head. Man that guy is a hair accessories slut.

That was…uplifting? Inspirational? Horrifying? Bland? I honestly can’t tell any more. See you next week for the eight hour finale!