Project Runway: Vericose Veins Don’t Work as a Textile, Apparently

Tonight is the most depressing Project Runway of the season. Enter at your own risk.

Tricky ass phone.

Previously, I WAS IN ACAPULCO!! HOLLER! That was a fun, grueling trip. Thanks to PottyMouth for keeping the ship running hilariously. I have lots of pics, but the best is of Mexico’s version of a cigarette stand:

I bought so many smokes off this brat by the last night he was randomly appearing next to me in bars going “Hey buuuuudddy!” LOL. I will miss you, little Marlboro man.

On with the cappage. Last week, Jaysian tried to erotically asphyxiate himself with a measuring tape.

Unfortunately, he survived.

We start the day with all the guys wearing shirts. Thanks be to Buddha. Jaysian may look like he just fell off the dumpling truck, but he works very hard on that fauxhawk.

Jorts. That is all.

Jonathan cries about “Eamy” being sent home last week. Unfortunately, his tears don’t fly upwards and do anything positive to his bedheadhawk. He’s starting to look like a super pasty Nina.

Anthony the Famingay knows that everyone’s probably shocked that he’s still on the show and not commandeering a gay boat around the world by now.

Maya’s jeal that she still hasn’t won a challenge. Bangs are bad luck. Heidi comes out onto the runway wearing half a Christmas wreath around her neck. You’d almost not even notice the baby. Stop denying your child, Heidi! She says that in this challenge, the designers will have to be creative. Then she punches out on the time clock and collects six million dollars in cash.
The clue was that they would have to choose more than just fabric today. Retired Adam Hambert says “what? Are we gonna get pocket elves to help us?” Then they show a little Asian pocket elf. Wow. The editors are rude. And amazing.

This is what Jaysian’s gonna look like when he figures out what conditioner is.

This is Vivienne Tam, a fashion designer. TamTam marries fashion and technology. In other words, she makes laptop cases that match her dresses. You’ll look awesome as long as you wear the same dress every day.

Girl, you’re starting to stink. Get a new computer.

Today the designers are gonna get to do something that every designer dreams about but never gets to do!! F a model? No! They’re gonna create their own textile! Jonathan is excited cuz he knows how to do it, but I’m not sure how everyone else is gonna handle this. Wait. So it’s basically Photoshopping. They get a free computer to draw stuff on and then it will be printed on fabric. I predict Jaysian will just draw giant penises. Fingers crossed!
Flamingay is skerd cuz he hates patterns. Mila is making a gay pride flag.

Cuz when gay people call me hag, they mean it as a compliment. Unlike when the grocery baggers do it. Or bus drivers. Or blind dates.

Everyone’s all impressed with the computers. They can use paintbrushes on them! Remember when we used pens and paper? SO GAUCHE! I kid, but I actually wrote out my shopping list this week with an actual pen and pad and my hand cramped. Flamingay’s all “drawing? Patterns? Computers? apsodigwpoirgh” and Old Ham throws up his hand and impatiently shows him how to use the Print button. Ha. Emilioth wants to make something that’th totally him, so he’s just making ththththththththth all over the dress. That dress is gonna get beat up.
Tim comes in to tell everyone how exciting this all is. Meh. I thought they were gonna actually have to create fabric out of something new. Like boogars or mud or cow poop or stale milk or something. Jaysian is so excited about drawing that he squats out the gum he swallowed in the fifth grade.

Ah Bubbleicious. Nothing better.

Flamingay says this is all too much like aaalgebruh. LOL. Old Ham is going to do something totally new today. A take on British punk! Well, he knows how to work a theme.

“Sounds like steam escaping.” – Blazing Saddles

Emilioth ith gonna do three pietheth. Mila is doing a strapless dress. She tries to be fun and throw yellow fabric over her head, but no one laughs with her. They all just throw lit matches her way. Come on guys, she’s trying!! She’s also trying to break herself from her black and white prison, but there’s a reason that she has stuck to what she knows so far.

As Flamingay puts it, “when we were children we played with Legos. I don’t wanna wear Legos.” Well, you’re wearing a member’s only jacket right now, which dilutes your point. Still, well said.

This is Jonathan’s textile.

Bwahahahahahahah

Mila, trying her hardest not to be pegged as the Wendy (coughtoolatecough) Pepper of the season, walks around the room giggling awkwardly. She stops at Flamingay’s table and asks him what he’s making. “So far, an ass out of myself.” She fake horsey laugh and then taunts “Anthony’s trying to make separates again!” She’s more tolerable when she’s just a cranky old lady with uneven bangs. When she tries to be nice she’s downright nasty. Flamingay is totally amused.

Emilioth sayth he’th fighting with hith vithera. He hates what he made and asks Flamingay for an opinion. Flam gets stink face and says “If that was someone else’s garment coming down the runway, what would you say?” Emilioth points and laughs and then complains that he hates children.

Emilioth scraps the bustier and stares of into space lisping about nothing.

So how’s that Organic Scientology working out for ya?

This is what happens in small towns without skating rinks.

When we come back from break, Emilioth is still bitching about his blue. “It’th not talking to me.” Maybe you should stop being so negative around it. Not much is going on in the workroom. Well, there’s working but who wants to talk about that? Instead, let’s go over to Flamingay for a deep monologue about our times.
“You know, I blame Beyonce for everything that go wrong in my life. There’s something about her song that make you think firss of all that you a size four, that you can conquer the worl, and I don’t know, you are all powerful. Do you think Beyonce has a song for people that can’t find jobs? Or the interview that you didn’t do so well in? Do she sing any songs about that?” Bwahahahahah!!! Then he goes off about Oprah, and how she wouldn’t book him on a “everyone gets a free car” day, and instead she’d force him on the “my husband has a porn addiction” show. “I don’t wanna go to that show, Oprah, cuz my uncle Leroy has the same problem.” LOL. Oh, Flamingay. Never change. Mila is rolling on the floor.

I’m gonna finally kill that darn Bullwinkle with a rolling pin. Surely it can’t fail.

She can’t wait to see her fabric, but says “if the colors are off, it’s gonna look like crap.” I love that she’s already looking for a machine to blame for her fugly ass design. Jonathan feels great! Let’s see how you feel when they deliver you a blank sheet tomorrow. Uh Oh!! Ham’s on the Sidekick of Doom!!

Honey could you send some Febreeze? My Meemaw hair is starting to smell.

There’s no way they’re kicking off Old Ham, so this is a fakeout. You will not trick me, Lifetime!! The next morning, the textiles are delivered. Flamingay made wallpaper for Liz Taylor’s guest bathroom. He shrieks “I love you and I don’t even know you yet!”

Jonathan lucked out. His fabric didn’t come back with no color. It came back with age spots.

Moisturize.

Maya designed a DNA chart.

You are NOT the father!

Mila tries to read Emilioth’th fabric, but she can’t understand it and tells it it sounds like it has a fist in its mouth.

Thpit out thothe marbleth and thpeak like a man!

Mila says “I don’t get it.” LOL. That making friends tour is going swimmingly. She tells us that Emilioth knows how to fit things but his fabric sucks and his taste is questionable. Won’t get any argument here, lady, but you will get a request for one eye to move independently of the other.

Thanks! Sandy Duncan’s got nothing on you.

Emilioth says his look ith toteth powerful. Mila doesn’t think her DNA chart is very her. Mila seriously stop whining. You’re starting to sound like Emilioth. Tim comes in to check on progress and starts with Mila’s gay pride flag. He doesn’t have much to say to her, and he doesn’t even slap her when she smiles fakely and calls him “TG.” Jonathan is making some sort of statement about C3P0 being thrown into a trash compactor.

I can’t tell if he’s for or against it.

Tim warns him about funky proportions, cuz what else can he possibly say? Tim doesn’t understand Emilioth’th lisping dress. Emilioth says it has his initials all over it, and Tim says “Seth Aaron Emilio Sosa.” BWAHAHAHAHAH. Emilioth stops him before he can add “sitting in a tree” and says that he doesn’t see it. Tim snaps “It’s all I see.” He almost repeats himself, but stops and says “I need to recalibrate my thinking.” In Tim speak, that means “hit me over the head with a frying pan so I can come down to your simple ignorant level. Otherwise, just suck less k?” Emilioth changes the subject and says he’s going for a 1940′s silhouette that’s been graffiti’ed so he can showcase the fabric. Tim says “yes, because without the graffiti it’s just a simple silhouette.” Emilio defensively snaps “classic silhouette.” Um ok then. Let’s just meet in the middle and stick with “SUCK” . Emilioth gets all pissed and tells us “Tim Gunn comes in and automatically mocks it. I do not listen to Tim whether he likes it or not.” Snapple: Hack Lisper Flavor.
Tim loves what Old Ham is making, but hates his fabric. Maya whines about not being a print person and Tim says that her pattern is good and she needs to stop being a pussy. Well, his face says that. Flamigay isn’t having much success with this one, so he tries to distract Tim by touching boobs.

Tim is concerned that he’s not being ambitious enough. Model fittings! Maya whines through the whole thing. Then whines about not winning a challenge yet. Emilioth tells us that Mila has made a teepee and she shouldn’t call herself a designer if she can’t work with color. He made a fucking tube dress. But glad that doesn’t get him down. Mila tells us that Flamingay is tacky but fun and she can’t imagine him making a collection in her lifetime, which could be anywhere from a month to a year depending on whether or not she remembers to take her calcium pills.
The next morning, Maya whines about being tired. Waaaah. Flamigay says Jaysian looks like a gay Christmas ornament. HAHAHAHAHAH.

I have nothing to add to that.

As hard as this may be to believe, Old Ham looks even gayer than Jaysian. Is he wearing Posh hair? He’s lucky women don’t have to get boners to have sex or he’d be childless.

Just. Wow. Kids in the Hall retired way too early.

Back at the workroom, everyone runs around trying to finish. Flamingay talks about himself in the third person but thankfully doesn’t say wackadoodle. He was starting to worry me. The models come in for fittings and hair and makeup! YAY! Smoke break! Flamingay says he doesn’t like Jonathan’s work cuz it’s as pale as he is and he just wants to throw a bucket of paint over at his side of the room. HA. Flamingay should be the new Oprah. You heard it here first. He even kinda looks like her when she was starting out.
Heidi comes out on the runway wearing a giant anchor around her neck. So chunky necklaces hide pregnancy fat. Thanks for the tip.

But they also make you look like you’ve got a shrunken head.

Kors is back! He looks like a Slim Jim.

Nina looks straight into the camera like she wants to eat our babies and our puppies.

What the fuck are you people looking at?

TamTam, or Future Jaysian, is the guest judge. Old Ham is out first. He’s ditched the British Punk thing and gone for a gay hobo look. Love the pants, but yikes on everything else. This guy knows how to tailor a jacket, but he probably should get called out on doing it every single week. Same shit, different fabric. The guy can construct, though. And he can leave the house in Kate Gosslin hair. You gotta give credit where credit is due.

All she’s missing is a flower in her pocket that squirts people.

Wait. The pants don’t fit for crap. Never mind. Hate the whole thing.

It’s never good when you give your model a dick.

It’s so ugly it messes up Nina’s hair. She’s gonna be pissed.

The best thing about Jonathan’s work is his mole-y skirt, but you can buy that anywhere. The top? The gold? If you put her in the microwave it would explode.

The hideous top comes off to reveal another hideous top. This one makes the poor model look like she’s got back fat spilling out. Boooo.

Maya has made a clown whore dress with a bib. Drooly ho!

Or you could close your mouth when you work. Just a thought.

Kors gives the dress a dirty look as it passes, and it’s hilarious. In his defense, he might just be getting feeling back in the middle part of his face.

Emilioth has done a new take on the maid uniform. And who wouldn’t want their maid parading around the grocery store with their initials all over it? Talk about branding. Don’t even try to steal my maid, bitches! The jacket is floofy and poorly tailored, but what’s under it is way worse.

Robert Redford is totally gonna offer Woody Harrelson a million pesos to sleep with this maid.

His massive fail is made more entertaining by his voiceover, which tells us how spot on and perfect his work ith. Mila’s model looks like that kid in the church play with a super lazy mom who refuses to put effort into her costume. Poor thing can barely walk. She looks like she has bound feet. I hope TamTam isn’t offended. She had to get her stupid black and white in there for the jacket, and it makes this even uglier. Which is a feat.

Yo Chinatown was last week. Stop being racist.

Nina is already mad at the dress. The model has to pick up a bit of it just to walk. Mila is going to beat her with a hot curling iron later.

Flamigay’s dress looks like it’s made out of spandex and varicose veins.

Jaysian’s jacket tailoring looks on point today, but his pants look like shit. The fabric is very Incredible Hulk as Fred Flinstone’s wacky neighbor. Fug.

Jaysian is safe! Wow. That was pretty bad. Everyone else has to stay on the runway. Heidingo ate my baby starts with Emilioth. He explains his graffiti, and Heidi says she is in love with everything about it. Kors seconds that, and Nina calls it fantastic from head to toe. WTF?!? That thing is hideous! Emilioth is a bitch, but he’s right about not listening to Tim. He’s been pretty off since the move to Lifetime. I don’t know if he just got a pay raise so now he can do more coke or what, but if Tim hates it it will probably win.
Mila’s next. Kors says there’s nothing intriguing about the print and it looks like a gay flag/Mexican serape. Heidi says it’s too old, Nina says the print is obnoxious. Nina doesn’t get Flamingay’s dress. She asks if he made a shrug. He says what he originally made died, honey. They laugh but Kors shuts him up and tells him to stop making excuses. Heidi has seen the same dress too many times from Flam.
Heidi likes that Old Ham is true to himself. Kors calls his work impeccable, and Nina calls it charming. Nina loves Maya’s print, but says the dress has too much going on. Kors is intrigued. TamTam is all tickatockaticka. I don’t get it. She sounds like the smoke monster approaching. Kors says Jonathan’s jacket looks like a disco straight jacket and his print looks like a dirty tablecloth. LOL. Jonathan is mortified and says to call his work a dirty tablecloth is preposterous. Is he gonna cry? Stay strong, kid! He puts the jacket back on the model, and Kors laughs evilly and says “the husband has to help the wife back into her straightjacket.” Then all the judges cackle. LOL. They’re horrible. They should all replace Simon on American Idol.
Nina says it’s poor, dirty, soiled and sad. Jonathan argues that sad is an emotion so they can’t call him emotionally detached and Kors says that he’s seen sad stuff before that was pretty. Ouch. Hopefully Jonathan will get so sad that he shaves his head. In alone time, Nina says Flamingay is full of excuses and Kors says he just takes simple dresses and decorates them. That’s unlike Emiloth how? Mila took the easy road and made her model unable to walk. Heidi laughs about Jonathan getting offended. but the judges agree that his was the worst. They compliment all of the top three, but they seem to like Old Ham the best even though they all liked Maya’s print the best. Will she actually win? I hope not, cuz I want to see how much her whining can possibly intensify. Ha! Emilioth winth! I don’t get it, but that’s nothing new. I can’t wait to watch him gloat to Tim. Old Ham and Maya are excused, and Maya whines about not winning. Then she curls up in a corner crying and hacking her bangs.
Flamingay’s out!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!NONONONONONOOOOOWHYGODWHY?!?!?!? Jonathan should have been out. His work was uglier and he didn’t have a Beyonce monologue! Flamigay says “I prove that you don’t have to have the crown to be the queen.” HAHAH. SO SAD. He takes the news with more positivity than any contestant ever. I heard that the top eight all got to show at Bryant Park, so I can’t wait to see pictures of that hilary mess. This show automatically just got a hundred times more boring. I am going to eat the neighborhood now. Thanks for being here.