American Idol: You’re No Good

Tonight on American Idol, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Rat Hack

It’s getting harder and harder to come up with new and exciting ways for Tinkercrest to announce the contestants. I get it. I really do. But is this necessary?

Superwoman, you have a mission.

Not a pore on the guy, God bless him. But he looks stoned. I know it’s probably time to press play and continue on with the recap, but I just. Can’t. Stop. Staring. OK it’s official. Tink is fucked up. Or I am. You decide.

Honestly, can anyone say the alphabet backwards? Cuz that seems like a totes unfair question, offizer.

Welcome back to another week of Idol!! Thanks to WaffleBoy and HappyHousewife for filling in for me last week with some hysterical recappage. I am super sad that I missed. David Cook’s giant downs face? I live for that shit. But that was then, and this is now. THE MOST IMPORTANT EPISODE OF ALL TIME!!! Or as we’re coming to know it, an hour and fifteen minutes of Skara whining, forty minutes of commercials, and five minutes of super insecure singing.
The theme tonight is top Billboard hits. Ugh. Haven’t we already done this like ten times this season? I want nursery rhymes! Or famous mariachi bands! Let’s say hi to the judges, who are now entering from center stage like the stars they ahhhh! Guys, are you still trying to tell me you don’t think Tink is on something? He looks like a Pez dispenser.

Whoever gets the boot tonight doesn’t get to go on tour! OH NOES! Ellen goes off into a hilarious bit about voting. And by hilarious I mean she stutters a lot and doesn’t make any sense and people laugh anyways, cuz they’re a bunch of monkeys. Or because she’s so brazenly pairing white with cream. She looks bored with herself.

Did I use up the airline food one yet?

Skara, as usual, is as far away from Ellen and as far up Simon’s ass as humanly possible. Now, though, Ellen leans away from her, too. It’s like the ghost of Dom Delouise is trying to squeeze his fat invisible ass into the empty spot.

Come on guys. Get GLAD.

Skara goes on a tangent about how songs have peaks and valleys, and Simon jumps in with “and mountains, and streams, and climbs” LOL. He knows how to make fun of her shit songs, that’s for sure. She touches him a lot and leans into him and goddamn it’s hard to take this woman seriously. She’s dressed like a used Smurf condom.

Simon’s skin is KFC BBQ colored tonight, and he didn’t even bother throwing on a stained tee before rolling his ass out of bed and into his chair.

Sorry, but I had to use this pic somewhere. That belly button’s about to have a litter.

Simon’s being nice to Skara for some reason, and Tink says that they’re seeing too much of his heart cuz he’s wearing a tiny v neck. Then the audience screams and yells, cuz it’s about time Tink pointed out Simon’s ridiculous taste in clothes. This segment. Skara gives us a better look at the moob skin. I haven’t seen a chest like that since I lived in Florida.

Simon is mean to Tink so Ellen kisses him. Wow. Glad this is two hours. Simon says that if you leave tonight your career is over and no one will date you and even your mama will deny you. Hi contestants!!

I’m actually rooting against peace right now.

Lee still looks totally confused about where he is.

Tink tells the kids to go get ready, so Tim leaves. LOL. What a doofus.

Snuffleupugus comes out and tells us how important the Billboard Charts are.

Today’s “mentor” is very very very … sluttly? Painful? Cancelled? Annoying? Pick your adjective, but there’s no way in hell I’m calling this bitch talented. I will say that her vagina is hungry.

If anyone can teach these kids how to make it in the music business without an ounce of singing talent, it’s Hanna Montana. Her advice to everyone’s gonna be “get a rich famous dad, k?” When she walks into the room, Little Chicken almost starts crying. But in all fairness, it might be because he’s being dry raped by Green Mile.

Whether or not you smoke, carry a pack with you at all times just in case.

Hannah tells us that sure it’s weird to be so young and still be taken seriously, but it’s like cuz she takes herself seriously and she knows her heart feels what her head thinks or something. LOL. Where did she get the idea that people take her seriously? No matter, she’s buying it.

I’m important, mkay?

She’s not gonna tell anyone they suck or anything, cuz if they can’t sing why would they be on TV?
I’ll wait while you guys try to come up with a good answer for that one.
Still waiting.

Tink interviews Tannah, and she talks about…I can’t really tell. She says like too much. “The contestants should like try to connect with their fans more, cuz I’m totally a fan of their music.” BWAHAHAH. Yes, those songwriting skills are really paying off this season of the karaoke show. She wins my heart a little when she addresses Randy by saying “if you don’t know what to say, you just say pitchy.” HAHAH. Tink makes a pitchy canine joke, but no one laughs so he says “that means dog.” Tannah says she knows what a canine is and then pats him on the head. Teehee. I would probably be friends with her if I wasn’t always trying to hunt her down to run her over with my car.
Lee’s singing “The Letter”. Wow. You can sing any top Billboard song and you chose something my dad’s church cover band retired in 82 cuz it was putting people to sleep? He’s all nervous in front of Tannah. She says his voice is amazing but he needs some stage presence. You need a stripper pole, kid. He shows her presence by shaking his hand a lot in front of him. Bizarre. By the time he gets to performance, he’s doing the Sammy Davis Jr. version of the song, stumbling around the stage. He needs a martini. That palsey hand is all over the place and he’s doing a big band thing. Huh? The Rat Pack’s never looked older, and they’re dead. Come on now Lee.

“Alcohol gives you infinite patience for stupidity.” – Sammy Davis, Jr.

I usually like this guy ok, but man this is bad. I blame Hannah for the palsy hand. He looks like he’s dribbling a basketball.

His growl is pretty solidly on key this time, which is different, but man what a lame ass version of an old ass song. The audience goes nuts. Randy loved it. The family is all wearing t-shirts with a fat Randy Travis face on them, which I don’t get.

Vote for Jesus or fat Randy Travis? I don’t get what you’re trying to say to me!

Ellen has a favorite pen but it runs out of ink and she gets worried. That’s like his performance. The audience goes nuts for that one, but all I heard is his ass is running out of ink. Skara loved it and says it was his best yet. Simon doesn’t get the song choice and calls the whole thing corny. Thank God for that man. He adds that it doesn’t define him as a contemporary artist and if Skara liked it he should do the opposite. Heh. Lee tells Tink that his goal for Hannah Montana week was not to think, which sounds fitting.

Man, he’s still really impressed with that Ford. The doors even open!! They’re running out of features to tout. Hides your bald spot. There’s one.

I’ve been wondering what happened to sweet Paula since the firing, so it’s good of AI to give us an update.

Paige is next, and Tink looks just as excited to introduce her as I am to listen to her.

Some girl in the audience gave Paige a ring and Tink jokes to Simon that that’s what an engagement ring looks like. Depends on the woman.

Some get rings, some get hefty contracts.

Paige is wearing giant heels today. Fascinating. She says that people are quiet lately cuz there’s a lot of thinking going on. No honey, I think people just don’t like you. Paige is singing “Against All Odds” today, which is both ridiculous and perfect. Hannah calls her pitchy, which she’s already told us is her way of saying that she has nothing to say. Hilarious. Paige starts out sitting on the stairs, which is a bad idea right after the pro sitter just got kicked off last week. Man, Hannah was right. This bitch can’t find a key to save her life. Yikes. She doesn’t hit one.
She’s even worse than usual, and that’s saying something. As she screeches and warbles like a little red wagon full of chicken fat speeding down a rocky hill towards a baby carriage crossing the street, I just wander off into space and ponder what her underarms will look like in twenty years. Blame the shirt.

She starts belting and it gets worse and worse. Then she croaks out a big yell note and runs completely off the road for her last notes. Randy just “yos” and “wow”s. He said “that was honestly terrible” and he can’t even come up with anything constructive to say. Ellen says “I’m gonna start with a positive, you didn’t fall down.” LOL. Then she says that Paige looks real perty and she’ll let Skara and Simon be mean now. Skara says Paige doesn’t listen and it was the worst vocal of the season. Simon asks Paige how she thinks she did. Paige says she was pitchy and struggled but she had fun. Simon says it was like there were five of her singing that and each was worse than the other. Sybil was more palatable when she was banging her head against a wall.
Tim is next. He’s changed up his hair a bit tonight. Now instead of looking like a penis head, it looks like a penis head in the wind.

He’s singing “This Thing Called Love.” Who is picking these songs? I refuse to believe that kids in their early twenties would be picking this crap. Tannah says Tim has been getting bad reviews cuz he has no personality but she doesn’t think he’s boring at all. Reading? That’s boring. He’s got a nice skin and a peen so he’s like an after home school snack. He comes out looking like he’s about to get beat by his daddy. That look of fear never gets old.
He’s doing a Buble sounding thing with this, and I hate Buble more than I hate Hannah so I’m not gonna be much help here. But wait!! There’s some personality!

And he slides into bottom.

So, are you guys still wondering how the hell he’s here?

Because children are evil.

He bounces around and touches girls and strains and stuff. Like usual, but more annoying cuz this time he seems to be aware of what he’s doing. I liked him better when he looked like a train was about to hit him. He finishes and the little girls go nuts. Randy starts with “was that fun?”, which can’t be good. He says this is a singing competition and the vocals were bad karaoke and the most interesting thing in it was the slide.
Ellen says he has huge fans, but only cuz huge people like chicken wings. She calls it a high school audition and corny. Ouch! She says “there’s a large group of people who will like that performance, and then there’s me.” HA. When did she whip out the c word? I like. Skara calls it Zach Efron in Hairspray, then the little girls squeal. Skar was offended that he was touching the audience cuz he hasn’t sold a hundred million albums yet. They shove these kids onto our TVs and into our magazines and wonder how they become such self important d bags so fast. Der. The girls keep squealing, and Skara gets super pissed and tells Tim to stop acting like he’s already made it. She’s so not writing a hiking song for you that will suck so bad that she’ll be the only one willing to record it.

And….twenty million votes.

She finishes, gives him a dirty look, and the audience squeals “I LOVE YOU TIM!” Ha. Simon says that the slide distracted from the vocals so he can understand why he did it. Song choice sucked and he’s got zero chance of winning unless he takes singing lessons and gets his act together. You might want to tell people to get singing lessons before you put them in a singing competition. Just a thought. And before you jump down my throat with “but he was a standby!”, please. He made it all the way to the end of Hollywood week with that shit voice. I hope he wins and Simon is forced to hawk his wares for the next year. We’re now forty minutes into the show without one good song. How was Rolling Stones week better than Choose Whatever Song You Want week? I dunno, but Sio better get out here and squeal like a pig on fire before I change the channel.
Next up is LIttle Chicken. With lots of plaid and a fauxhawk. He tells Tink that he got laryngitis and tonsillitis and throat warts from giving bjs in the park. Tink’s like been there done that. Chicken tells us that he has a crush on Hannah. Most likely the same way Hambert has a crush on Cher. He wonders if Hannah heard him sing her song during the auditions. Nothing proves you’re a man like singing Hannah Montana in public. She saw it and loved it, of course. She compliments his computer on its vocals and he says that his voice isn’t in a computer. She stands there totally dumbfounded.

Um…mine either.

He’s gonna sing “Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing” by Aerosmith. So, anything from this decade guys? Or even the nineties? Please? We get a shot of him singing way off key and Hannah saying she’s impressed with that amazing note. The blind lead the blind into forest fires. Don’t say I never taught you anything. I hope Steven Tyler is watching this right now. For the sleeves alone.

Little Chicken shouldn’t be singing this song, but if he’s gonna do it he should do it on pitch and stuff. He sounds like he’s still got a trucker in his mouth. He reaches up for a big belt note…bones it. He and Katie need to get married and make little dough babies together. Whitest. Ever. But he does make some very cute trying hard faces.

Audience? Goes nuts. So confused. Randy wasn’t into it. Pitchy, but thank God he can at least sing cuz the two before him blew and Randy’s a fan. Huh? Randy hates everything in half his critique and then loves it. Covers all those bases. Ellen says he’s a pitch perfect third grader and it was amazing. This is what Hannah’s gonna look after an eye lift and a nose job.

And thirty years of tanning beds.

Skara agrees with Ellen again, which is bizarre. She loved it. Music starts playing in the middle of her speech. HAHA. They’re trying to play her off the stage. The music stops for Simon. He says that the kid is too old fashioned but there’s no chance he’ll be going home. Simon stops in the middle of his critique and takes a little nap. I love when he punches out in the middle of the show.

Crystal OrganiJoplin is next. PLEASE don’t be boring. She’s singing RealJoplin’s “Me and Bobby and McGee”. Hannah critiquing OrganiJop’s singing is HILARIOUS. She suggests that Jop squeal out some high notes whether she can or not. It’s hard not to lose a little respect for OrganiJop when she asks Hannah for a guitar autograph.
OrganiJ is all hairdid tonight, like she’s going to a super dirty wedding.

She’ll be picking up that rice and putting it back into the little bag it started in.

She’s changing up the song a bit, making it much slower. It sounds nice. She looks like Kirsten Dunst, no? In that movie where she was a troubled kid. CrazyBeautiful or whatever. She’s the best by far tonight, but she doesn’t TOUCH Janis, which is sad cuz of her name and all. It’s another boring rocker-ish chick song that you can hear at any bus stop along OrganiJ’s route.
Randy says that’s what’s called being a star! An adult star. Um, ew Randy. Ellen says that she wanted to hear her sing Janis and she did, but she still needs a personality. Janis smelled like trash and threw up on people and stuff. If you’re gonna be a rock star do it right, hippie!! OrganiJop says that she has a secret personality plan next week. I don’t know what that means, but I’ve got my fingers crossed for a loofa. Skara felt more from her today cuz she moved more. No she didn’t. She stood there behind her guitar the same as every week. She hints that next week she will put down the guitar. Simon thinks it was perf. Look now, I think she’s great and all, but man it’s the same thing every week. Granted after the other dorks tonight she was a Grammy winner. Simon congratulates her for not crowd surfing like “some people” and instead bringing her own carpet. At first I’m like how rude to diss her hair, but he means that she actually brought a rug. ??

That used to be her comforter.

Now you’re in coach? AT&T’s killin you, man.

Green Mile is next. Hannah says that he’s the first person to hug her and everyone else is afraid to touch her. Can you blame em? You look like week old dishwater. He’s singing “When A Man Loves a Woman”, and he stares into her eyes the whole time “cuz eye contact is very important.” He’s creepy. He sounds amazing though. Let’s just pretend this is “Songs From Other Decades” week so I can get over the fact that everyone’s singing old tired songs. Tink and Ellen flirt while Tink intros Green Mile. Ew. Eunuch sex.
GM does a very soft sweet version of the song to start. He hits the belt with equal ease and kills it. In a good way. This is my favorite of his. I’m so thankful he’s not dancing around and making cocky faces at the camera. The sweet quiet part goes out the window and towards the end it’s all shout riffs and acrobatics. Can he just sing a song without the vocal boxing? Meh. He’s probably got the best male voice left this season, but he doesn’t have much emotion there. He brings it back down and ends with a gorge high note. And a cocky face.

This kid hated it.

Randy disses the song choice but loves that he can sing the “I don’t know what bout who you are”. I think that was a compliment. Ellen says it was like driving the speed limit and she loves him. She’s got some serious backhand action going on tonight. Skara thought it was boring and overindulgent. Simon says he wanted one scoop of ice cream and got eleven. It was too old fashioned and loungy but he has charisma and a good voice and it’s good to talk to him without annoying fairies interrupting.
MexiGokey’s singing “I Heard it Through the Grapevine.” Seriously. I got so pissed about all these old songs that we’re gonna have to hear again during fifties and eighties week that I went to check out the number one hits from this year. Kesha has been at number one for two thirds of the year, so NEVER MIND. Motown it is! He forgets his lyrics in front of Hannah, which makes him nervous. Then he launches into an SNL Pat impression.

Lllllllllllllll!

Well, if all fails here maybe he can book a gig on Rosie’s lesbian mom cruise. Hannah tells him to get rid of the guitar. He closes his eyes and does the hand palsy thing. Is she telling them all to do that? He comes on stage without the guitar, and does a pretty straight version of the song. No new arrangement here, and he’s so uncomfortable with the no guitar thing that he acts out the song. He points to his eyes for “eyes” and his ear for “heard.” LOL, Captain Obvious. This is one of his worst vocals yet, and by far the worst arrangement. He’s been boring before, but this is the first time he was painfully bad. Ouch.
Randy: “Awww. Wasn’t good, man. Wasn’t good. Wasn’t good.” Ellen says that wasn’t good enough to win people over. He says “sorry” and tells her and Randy that he loves them. Skara, once again, says that he’s chasing the Straight Up moment and can’t get there again. She says he looked like a meat puppet. Then she says Straight Up five times. Simon thinks that they overrated the Straight Up moment and it was like listening to Beethoven the fist time. HAHAH. HUH? Cuz Beethoven was such a gimmicky hack. Simon adds that he sucked the soul out of the song. MexiGokey is no longer smiling and laughing and saying he loves everyone.

He tells Tink that he knows who he is as an artist and his only goal is to have fun. Why are they all saying that? Your goal should be for US to have fun, a holes. You’re in the service industry. Fill up my goddamn water without me having to flag a busboy every fifteen minutes. Speaking of sucking the air out of rooms, let’s welcome Katie! She’s singing “Big Girls Don’t Cry” by Fergie!! DINGDINGDING!! WOWEE! Who knew Katie would be the most modern of the night? Fergie’s never looked so black.
Katie asks how Hannah deals with criticism, and Hanna punches her in the face and tells her to stop being such a squinty eyed pussy. Well done, H. Katie comes on stage in her peace sign, and it’s crazy to hear her sing something that her grandma didn’t force down her throat. It’s not great, but it’s not as hideous as usual. She sings in one long yawn. I don’t know if that’s how she gets tone or what, but it makes me yawn too. Man what is she doing today? She’s giving it her all. Look at this face.

Best she’s done by far. Still mostly suckage and off key screeches, but still. Good for her. Randy says that it was pitchy but she picked a younger song and she’s at least listening. Ellen says it was her best so far and she’s evolving. Then she calls her the Dakota Fanning of American Idol. Slam! Skara loves the pop with R&B leanings vibe she gave off. She adds that there were some “mad pitch issues”, but she’s found a style. Simon credits Hannah Montana for youthing her up and congratulates her on not coming out as a pageant nightmare. He doesn’t buy her as a pop artist yet and thinks she should be in country cuz there’s less competition. One day she might be able to beat Shania Twain out of an award and get her ass told off like Underwood.

Yeah and I don’t wanna read my TV. Learn English, skank!

And now, for a hint at Simon’s replacement.

That song tasted like dog placenta.

Casey’s next, and he’s conditioned his hair. We have a winner!

He’s super positive and boring and adorable. He’s singing “Power of Love”, and he tells Hannah that he’s a huge fan of her dad. She’s offended. LOL. The guy’s signing Huey Lewis for crying out loud, how can you be surprised? She tells him that she needs to make eye contact with people in the front rows cuz she does it and it makes them feel special. This girl’s a fucking retard. Casey sings the song as well as Huey. Take that as you will. There’s nothing else to say. If my eyes were closed I would think it’s Huey. But they’re not closed, so I’m not turning the TV off. No offense, Hu.
Another lame ass rip off karaoke piece of crap performance. When Katie’s the most original of the night, it’s time to just cancel this shit. Randy gives Casey credit for being the best guitar player there even though he didn’t like the song. Ellen says it was the best of the night, and Skara says he’s already “there”. Huh? That was crap!! Simon says that he doesn’t get what Skara is talking about and Casey did an identical version of a song that was old when it came out. It took no effort and he brought no originality. As ush, he’s the only one who knows wtf he’s talking about. Skara keeps repeating that he made it current. How is singing the exact same version with the exact same arrangement in the exact voice impersonation CURRENT? UGHGHsgalindfb[oihBAEFBEBRHOFEIS. Most entertaining performance of the night goes to this guy:

DoDo is singing “You’re No Good” and flailing all over the rehearsal room. She says that the song is super challenging. LOL. Does that song even span one octave? Oh, DoDo. Stay pretty. Miley gives nothing useful, but she does show off the tip of her cooter in those shorts, so…so nothing. I don’t know how to end that sentence. DoDo comes out looking all awkward and scared out of her mind. The song picks up and she looks wasted and confused and more scared out of her mind. Her vocal is pretty good. It’s shaky and off key, but that seems to be her thing. She loosens up in the second half and works the stage. She’s not my fave, but she kicked butt on this song. It was weird and I’m awake. At this point that’s all I ask for.

Who farted?

OK I’m whipping out fart jokes. Time for bed! LOL.

Now that’s talent.

Randy’s all “hahahahaha yo” uh oh. He says she was very pitchy. Ellen doesn’t get the song choice, Skara throws her hands up and says that it was too dramatic instead of real and….good. Simon says there was a certain irony to her screeching out “you’re no good” over and over. HAHAH that’s cold. He tries to compare her to Lacey’s hackiness but can’t remember Lacey’s name. DoDo says she’s diverse and wants to show different sides and stuff. Didn’t you wanna come out here and have FUN!?!? Then she smiles and flexes the arm thats not in a hideous sleeve.

Sio’s closing the show with some “Superstition”. She shows up to her Miley practice in her Ugly Betty getup. How many panchos has she been sent in the mail?

Sio says that she’ll admit to listening to Hannah songs before. HAHAH. Hannah babbles on about nothing and Sio says that Hannah made her feel better about not being Hollywood trash. She comes out on stage with giant hair. Kinda Flo from Mel’s Diner punk.

Kiss my greeits, mothatrucka!

She too is singing an old song exactly the way it was originally arranged, but she’s the most natural, comfortable, and vocally capable out of everyone on this show hands down so it’s ok by me. I get bored in the middle, but I know a big squeal’s coming, so I keep watching and bopping my head around. I think I’m still in love with last week’s performance. I wasn’t here to say it, but that kicked some ass. She ends with her screech thing. Girl knows what’s gonna pay the mortgage. It will probs get way old soon, but after this milquetoast night it was good to see someone kill like that.
Randy loved it, and Ellen misquotes Oliver: “More please!” Lesbians. Skara loved it too and says it wasn’t her best but her end squeals are amazing. Simon says there’s gonna be a split cuz some will love it and some will hate it. He thinks she needs to change the squeal and maybe start with it. HA. He says that everyone needs to be more relevant, except for OrganiJoplin who was in a different league. Come on really? I don’t even have the strength to argue with that. One thing he does get right is “this wasn’t a good night. Sorry.” Good call. And you know what? It’s your fault Simon. You should have picked some talented people. Jerk. Love you call me!
Sorry to be so negative in this one, but shit that was pure pain. Here’s hoping next week sucks way less. xo