American Idol: Cholaheta is Half Blind…and Results

Tonight, America makes some harebrained decisions and Kris comes back to remind us that he wasn’t second place on American Idol. This….is American Idol Results!!!!!

Not lookin’ good for Aloha.

They shared the same dream. They shared the same stage. Now they will die by firing squad.

Four people are out tonight so let’s get to it! Over twenty four million votes came in. Is that a lot? It seems low. McDonald’s has served over a billion. Let’s say hi to the judges! Ellen is bringing back memories of her early career with her loose tie. You know, before she admitted to liking girl smiles.

How bout that airplane food, AMMIRIGHT?!

Randy’s not in horizontal stripes! HOLLER! Nice work. Hot pink sweater? I’ll take it. Skara isn’t in leather tonight, thank the Lord. And it looks like she’s even found some kindness in her heart and bought one of Paula’s most giant Reynolds Wrap pieces off QVC to help soften the blow of March rent.

See? I’m a good person!

Simon’s wearing another white boobie showing shirt. He’s also wearing a needy cougar on his shoulder.

Yes, Skara. We see you.

Tink gives Simon shit for being harsher than usual this week. Was he? I think he’s just older and gives less of a crap since he’s leaving and all. I couldn’t sleep the other night so I watched old Idol auditions on YouTube. Simon used to be very young and fresh, you guys. I like him better now than I did then. His butt cut is more refined and his moobs have had time to properly blossom. His bitchy sarcastic ass isn’t an act these days. It’s ingrained, people! Marinated.
Simon didn’t think he was harsher and he’s just honest and he was trying to be helpful. Tink thanks him for his charity, and no one laughs. Ouch. Even the live audiences are pissed off about this season. Ellen says that there were surprises this week, like the fact that she referenced bananas. LOL. Randy gives us some useless blah, and then Skara says that she had some explaining to do when she got home after wrapping her labia around the cute singer guy last night. So much so that her husband is here to make sure she keeps it in her pants.

Attorney at Law

First group number! They’re singing “American Boy”. Tink wants in.

I feel like I wrote this song.

Poor Haeley can’t catch a break. But she sure can lisp. I don’t know if the other girls are making fun of her and lisping too, or if the one lisp is reverberating all over the giant set. Either way, the rain in Spain falls mainly in the plain, mkay? This one is very obviously lip synched. You can tell because these noobs are overdoing it a little.

Stiffler’s Mom has opened her own store! It’s selling vaginas.

Organic Joplin has no idea what’s going on, and watching her fake her way through the song is hilarious.

I’m just doing this for diapers.

MexiGokey is front and center in the boys group, but the camera won’t get off Pretty. It’s so intrusive that he looks at us like “This is so not my fault you guys.”

Little Chicken’s giving it his all. So much that he looks a little like Edward Norton.

Don’t let Courtney Love see you or she’ll rip you limb from limb.

Poor Lee gets stuck in between Fraudrick and Jermaine for the line “I’m likin’ this American Boy.”

Poor guy’s gonna get tossed around like a wet noodle later.

He never really gets over it.

Probably the wrong signal to give right now.

That was pretty! They should pre record everything. Odd little Siobhan is safe. Man, birds of a feather…

What? You thought she was gonna hang out with cheerleaders? She’s a glass blowing apprentice.

Haeley had a pretty rough night this week, so it’s doubly offensive that AI still refuses to learn how to light black people.

If you’d have used powder I wouldn’t even know you were there, girl!

She’s safe!! Wow. Didn’t see that one coming. Michelle is safe!! WHAT??? That girl sucked ass! Oh wait she was the one who sang Alicia Keys, not the one who sang Leona Lewis. It’s really hard to tell with the minority lighting.

Katelyn/Stiffler’s Mom is also safe, of course. Either Katie or Jannell is out! I hope it’s Katie, cuz she’s the most annoying out of the two. I just feel bad for her grandma, cuz Katie totally ditched her Alzheimer’s ass to go on American Idol. The family is all here in support, so who’s taking care of gran? NO ONE. She looks like she’s gonna barf.

Randy, who do you think is outta here? Too tough to call, baby. Thanks Randy. Earn that paycheck. Jannell’s out!! Aw. She could have been good possibly at some point. She’s big about it and very smiley about it all. She says she messed up in Hollywood week and again last night so there you go. She sings again, and yup still wrong song choice. She starts strong but I think the depression hits her cuz it goes downhill pretty fast, and the end note makes me wish they could kick her off again.
When we come back from break, Katie still looks terrified.

Cholaheta!!! Her first single is called “Scars”. Of course it is. She looks great, but dammit I really miss her chola bangs. I hope she has a driver these days, cuz she shouldn’t be on the road with that hair.

How many pedestrians has this haircut killed?

Chola’s really kept her voice and her sense of style. She’s probably the only contestant in history that could make herself look like she has dark black varicose veins on purpose and get away with it.

Saline injections can help with those.

The song is about how we all have baggage. Isn’t she like, 17? Rich and famous by 16. WAH. It’s better than a song about Trapper Keepers, though, so I guess I’m all for age inappropriate songs. She’s got that whole Elvis snarl down, and I’ve really missed her. Dumb song, great voice. I wonder if she still appears at her dad’s 99 cent store every once in awhile to keep in tune with the people.
She jokes with Tink about giving yet another awkward interview and she’s still afraid of being eliminated. Brooke White is not amused.

Paige is safe! Ronald McDonald/Clay Aiken is o….safe!!! WHAT??? AMERICA!! JEEZE! I think it’s cuz her dad is Ed McMahon.

He bribed the producers with a giant check.

Or maybe the answer’s simpler than that.

Blow face.

Lilly Scott is safe! Organic Joplin is safe!

Let me guess. You’re an Ellen fan.

It’s between Ashley and DeeDee. I’m no DeeDee fan, but Ashley sure as hell better be out tonight. What she did to Leona Lewis was unforgivable. As Tink reads off all the critiques from Tues, DeeDee looks like she can’t believe he has the nerve to be so rude.

Ellen tells both the girls that they have made it super far and should be proud of themselves and whatever happens it’s a new beginning…somewhere else. I was the only one who laughed. Ashley’s out!! She is pissed and doesn’t really pretend she’s not. When she says thank you, it’s like a tell off. She sings the song again, and anger doesn’t help. She is giving a lot more tonight. A lot more off key notes and yell screeches. The last note is nice, though! Now leave.

Tink shows us a clip of Poseur showing up to rehearsal in his bathrobe and boots. LOL.

Jolly Black Giant is safe! John Park. Tink reapeats one of Skara’s critiques and the camera catches her giving a look like “yeah and I meant it mofo.” He’s safe!! WTF? That dude should be out. He was horrible. Little Chicken Aaron is safe, Fraudrick is safe It’s between Tim and Joe. One’s cute and one can sing. The cute one will be safe. And he is!! Ah, American little girls. So predictable. Tim is shocked. He looks like Katie right now.

But I SUCKED!

Poor little Monkey Joe! He tells Tink that he wasn’t worried but he accepts America’s decision. Then he sings his lame song again with a pretty voice. This time he’s shaky and off key, but he’s about to cry so who can blame him? Aw. This is such bs. John Park Don’t Drive Cuz You’re Asian and Tim should have been outta here. And now a very special announcement! Idol Gives Back will be coming back this year!! Tink says that any sponsors who want in should give him a call. LOL, desperation. Save the wahs for the needy people. Kris Allen is here! He’s just been to Haiti and tells Tink that there’s a lot of hope there. Rainy season is coming, which will bring disease and stuff. Well, thank God American Idol will be there to give the kids tiny five stick boxes of generic brand crayons.
Kris is singing Let it Be against a backdrop of Haiti. For a second it looks like he’s gonna do a sideways face duet.

You’re unforgettable! No you are! You are!

Kris is cute and bland as ever. One of the Haitian kids gets him in Daddy mode. So much so that he forgets to protect his bald spot.

AW!

It’s sad to lose your hair, but it’s a hundred times more frustrating when any mustache you try to grow still looks like a pudding smudge on your face. I’m disappointed cuz he’s not giving us any sideways face. Come on, Kris!! Wait. I feel it coming. Damn cameras!! He gives us a perfect sideways face but they only show him in profile!

You bastards!

Kris has loosened up a bit and really belts it out towards the end. And then, he finally gives me what I was waiting for.

I feel for the people of Haiti. I really do. I will donate and I might even download this helpful single. But wiping the snot off your kid’s face is free. Just saying.

For those of you that were disappointed that the real winner of last season didn’t show up, Kris gives you a Hambert/Cher wink.

Now back to results! Pretty’s safe! His mom is Reba.

Jermaine is in. Damn. I was hoping his “who’s Michael?” would get him the boot. He flips off the band and sits back down. The growly soul patch guy is in! MexiGokey’s in duh, Poseur and Carol Brady are in the bottom two. Carol’s in, I’m sure. He was terrified, but he can sing. And….Poseur’s out! Simon tells Poseur “it’s over” and he’s right. The audio cuts out, and I read it’s cuz Carol Brady said “I can’t fucking believe it holy fuck.” LOL. Poseur blames his ouster on not getting any constructive criticism in Hollywood week. You’re mediocrity is totally the overpaid uninterested judges’ faults. Simon rolls his eyes. See ya sucka!
It’s a new song at the end. It’s about leaving right now before you fall any deeper. HAHAHAH. I’m gonna leave before I make even more of an ass of myself. Love it. What’s with a Pop Idol winner getting the exit song? We have plenty of our own Idols that can sing subpar tearjerkers, dammit!!
The results were pretty nuts this week, but the shock keeps me into the show. I know we’ve bitched about there being subpar talent this year, but it’s only the first week and there are always a bunch of dodo birds in the beginning, and a bunch of talent that died too young. Tell me the truth. At the beginning of last season did you even have Kris Allen on your radar? Gokey was supposed to be awesome and take the whole thing, and he turned out to be…Gokey. Ew. I’m still made about that chick named Hawaii or some shit who got kicked off a couple years ago cuz she sounded too much like Beyonce. Since when is sounding like Beyonce a criticism? She’s the vocal Mozart of our times. What am I talking about? Honestly, I just don’t know any more.
xo