About Last Night: Oscar Edition

The Oscars were full of self love, dirty looks, and even some pretty dresses! Come on in!

Flipit: When the show ended, I was left with a couple of questions. The first one, WHAT THE FUCK IS UP GEORGE CLOONEY’S ASS? Dude, you’re hot, you’re rich, and you’re nominated for an Oscar. So why do you look like it’s raining and the bus is late?

He gave Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin dirty looks through the entire opening monologue and I figured it was a joke, but he kept that sour mug on him the whole show. At one point about two and a half hours in, he turned to the camera and gave them a “what the fuck are you looking at? Am I your dancing monkey or what bitch?” look. The only time he smiled was when people called him handsome and charming. Oh go live in Haiti already. I get that after a few years it probably just feels like another day making the donuts, but at least fake it. I think that was the biggest problem for me the whole night across the board. The stars all looked pissy and bored and ungrateful. You know, there are some of us out here actually WORKING for a living. Fake it you brats!

My second question: What’s up Mo’Nique’s ass? Her speech was ranting insanity at its finest. “Thanks for giving the award based on performance and not politics.” Oh, cuz anyone else winning would mean politics? That’s just rude. Mo’s been taking heat for refusing to do any Oscar interviews/publicity without payment. TACKY! Again, ungrateful and annoying. It wasn’t long ago you were rubbing a stump on late night TV, heif. A little grace would be applicable. She was AMAZING in Precious, but after seeing her behavior last night, playing a woman who force feeds her kid pig’s feet, drops her grandbaby and throws a perfectly good TV down five flights of stairs doesn’t seem to be too much of a stretch.

The best thing to come out of that was the look Samuel L Jackson gave right after she finished:

It’s been a rough couple of years for the country financially. The women of Hollywood wanted to show us that they feel our pain. Yes, they all wore dresses that cost more than a year of your house payment and yes they still all showed up in limos, but they totally skimped on hair product. Penelope? Sarah Jessica Parker? J Lo? COMB YOUR HAIR.
Putting Miley Cyrus next to Amanda Seyfried was just mean. Miley looks like white orange trash without any help from Amanda. I felt bad for her. Kinda. I was mostly just shocked that she was there. I hope whoever’s in charge of quality control over at the Oscars doesn’t get transferred to the local deli, otherwise everyone will die of ecoli.

I could have done without the Doogie opening. We get it. He’s gay and he likes showtunes. That doesn’t mean he can actually sing a powerhouse belt song for four minutes though, and it was a mess. Loved Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin, but the best thing about their opening was the terrified faces of the people they were making fun of. Best pissed face was Clooney, but second place goes to the dude from Avatar after Steve Martin killed the floating crabs with bug spray.

Guys, have you ever gotten sick of people talking about how giant your ass is? Then make them focus on a third leg.

Overall, I was pretty turned off by the mood in the room. There were a lot of dour faces and no one seemed to be having any fun. This is the dream you’re living, people. Maybe it’s time for Hollywood to be cleared out. The only good mood in the entire place belonged to Precious. Long live Precious!