Project Runway: Heart Attacks Are Ugly

Tonight on Project Runway, hearts, soup, and raft inflations.

Most creative, well thought out design of the episode.

Previously, Pong was sent home and so was this chick.

Not a great night for Asians.

Amish Girl points out Pong’s empty bed and pretends to be sad.

She left her entire collection behind!

Amish Girl only speaks for about twenty seconds, but already she’s making me very very tired. Elian Gonzalez knows he’s one lucky bastard to still be in this country competition, and he works very hard on the skill that has kept him here so far.

You thought I’d put a pic of him stretching out his jaw here, didn’t you?

Wait. You know how I said he knows how lucky he is to still be here? Scratch that. He tells us that he’s already shown the judges that he can make fabulous stuff. LOL. Watching this show for so many seasons, you’d think delusion grows on trees. American Psycho Straight Guy talks, but I have to pause for a sec. He’s really going to the shitter. He was cute before, right? I’m not saying he’s ugly or anything cuz that would be a lie. I guess I’m just wondering how quickly eyebrows can grow on a person.

Maya tells us how close she’s getting with Mila. They’ve both got weird names that start with M, they both have dogs, and they both have bangs that they seemingly cut themselves in the dark.

There’s no tie that binds like really uneven bangs.

That was a two minute segment and not one line from Anthony the Flamingay. I object! Heidi greets the designers on the runway wearing giant arrows pointing down to her vajaynie. Just in case after thirteen babies or whatever the doctor might forget where they’re supposed to come out. Why do Germans have to treat the rest of us like idiots?

The challenge is to design for a fashion week gala, and Heidi promises that Tim will be introducing them to some very inspiring women. I have my fingers crossed for whoever’s alive from The Golden Girls cast, but I have a feeling I’m gonna be disappointed. Then Emilioth tellth uth the exact same thing that Heidi does, but when he says it he spits all over the camera. Most dangerous contestant to have in a diary room ever.

Someone’s gonna get electrocuted.

Tim introduces the designers to Lisa, who is the VP of innovation over at Campbell’s Soup. LOL. That’s a job? Cuz I had a can of their tomato soup recently and it tasted like nickels. How bout innovating bits of chicken that don’t look like skin tags, you lazy bitch? Unfortunately, the task isn’t to design dresses based on soup flavors. There’s a Be Better to Your Heart gala or some shit and everyone has to wear red gowns. So they’re plugging soup and healthy hearts all in one episode. What a lame crossover. Get in on the game, Playdo! I’m bored! Retired Adam Hambert jumps up and down like he’s been waiting for a soup challenge his whole life.

Thank you Jesus.

They have to design a “signature dress” and the word “Campbell’s” has to be included somewhere on it. Even worse, the “inspiring women” are NORMAL PEOPLE who have survived heart disease. That was a whole lotta lame to pack into two sentences. Where are the drag queens? Where are the coffee filters? I live in LA and have to deal with enough normal people lecturing me about health. F this episode.

If I was on this show I’d make my “model” eat ten hot dogs and then climb stairs until she fell over.

The winning designer will not only have their dress worn at the gala, they will also get to go! WOOHOO! Work hard and you can be the date of a heart disease ridden chunky chick in a Campbell’s soup dress. Maybe you’ll get a bonus and get punched in the balls, too. Midget Irana pretends that she’s crying, but there are no tears there. She’s totally touched by the challenge you guys. Ugh.

Wipe your lip.

Their models are preordained. Straight Guy’s model’s heart stopped, and Ben’s model’s heart can’t pump blood properly. It’s like watching American Idol. You’re all through to Hollywood! Jaysian’s model died for two minutes. He cries like a little bitch when he hears it. Good Lord. You know, I hated junior high but I’d pay money for one of those bullies to come in here and kick Jaysian’s ass right now. His model’s English is limited, but I’d like to think she’d say “Butch it up, Mary” if she could.

Shut your vagina, queen.

You know Mila’s model is gonna be a pain in the ass cuz she’s thumbing through a binder and nodding her head like she’s about to design the thing herself. Also, her name is Tren’ness and I think it’s impossible to be named Tren’ness and NOT be a pain in the ass. Tren’ness (I’m just gonna type that as many times as possible, humor me.) has a lot to say, but she has some good ideas. She comes up with the idea of using the star from the soup can instead of writing Campbell’s all over it. I think that might be against the rules, but the judges don’t pay any attention to the rules in the end anyway.
Flamingay’s mom moved in with him after she had heart surgery, so he’s also very touched by the topic of heart disease. Not touched enough to resist sipping Crisco straight from the can every night before bed, but touched enough to squirt out a few salties for the camera. To his credit, he makes the effort to at least wear the same size clothes as people with healthy hearts.

Giiiiiirl’d you steal that off a toddler?

Let’s stop for some fried chicken and then head over to Mood! Emilioth plans to basically make the same dress his model came in wearing, only in red. Come on! If the challenge is gonna be boring you can at least make an effort to make a dreth that’s not boring!

Betsey Wetsy runs around talking about how she needs boning. Well, at least she’s self aware enough to realize it.
Back at the workroom, the models are off at Burger King and the smiles are now gone from the designers’ faces. They start complaining about how hard it is to dress for someone who’s not a -2. Oh wah. Adam Hambert actually says “this is the largest….challenge I’ve ever done.” HA.
The models come in for fittings, and Amish Girl tells us she’s achieving her primary goal of making her model feel “empowered.” Buy her a stun gun and let’s move on to a drag challenge. Straight Guy’s model comes back without her Spanx on, so he’s gonna have to do a little fiddling. Elian Gonzalez tells us that he grew up with a single mother and it was really really hard. Yeah, how do you think she feels? You know one way you can help her out a little bit? MOVE OUT OF HER HOUSE.
Retired Hambert’s model is Weezy Jefferson, and she’s getting a little picky about what she wants. He looks like he’s about to get pissy about it, but instead he maintains his calm and says he just wants to make her happy. AW! And really, you can’t blame her for getting a little worried when she saw this fug.

By making you start over, Weezy saved your life on this show. She’s a hero.

Betsey Wetsey’s model is going on and on about her heart murmur. She says “I mean seriously, would you guess by looking at me that I’ve had open heart surgery, compared to some of the other women here today?” SNAPPLE: Real Housewife of Heart Disease Flavored. I rewound three times to verify whether or not she said this, so please if I’m wrong someone tell me. It’s not nice to slander people with heart disease.

I mean LOOK AT ME!

Emilioth tellth uth that before he met these women it was all about “me me me”. So meeting someone with a bad heart has cured you of your sociopathic narcissistic tendencies. Why do we even need therapists? Talk to someone with high cholesterol and save some cash. Betsey Wetsey spills water all over her dress, but she doesn’t CRY. OK we definitely need a new name for her now, but I haven’t paid her enough mind to know anything about her. Your help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Tim comes in to check on progress and starts with Straight Guy. SG says his model is a fat ass and he wants to make her tall and thin. What are you, her mother? Mind your beeswax and make a muumuu! Tim tells him the jacket is the only thing remotely fashionable thing about it and moves on to Amish Girl. Tim likes her Cambell’s label tracing. Tim tells Mila he’s happy that they’re working with real women and she says that she’s got a good strategy for that. It just involves a few cuts and a hose, but there won’t be recovery time so diy lipo’s out. Back to the drawing board!
Hambert’s doing Weezy’s Grecian draping thing, and Tim can’t believe he’s doing something so out of his element. He warns Ham not to completely suppress his own sense of style, so expect this thing to be assless by runway time. Ham takes his advice to heart attack and starts ripping the dress up into rock territory. Emilioth, who is suddenly sweet, tells us how much the people around him are thucking. Well so much for that revelation. Stress montage! Time is running out and no one’s finished! WHAT’S GONNA HAAAPPEEEEEN?!?!
The next morning, Flamingay says that it’s hard enough these women had heart disease. Now they’re gonna have to stand on the runway and listen to Nina and Kors tell them how hideous they look. LOL. Irana is having major trouble pulling her chiffon together, and she has seventy percent more work to do. Ham has decided to go for a “retro Campbells soup” gown. Sounds equally as fug as the modern one, only shorter. Irana doesn’t think anyone is doing too much of a bang up job. Time will tell! Fittings! Emilioth takes time out of his busy baby doll dress making schedule to say that Mila’s dress looks like a cheap flag at a Thanksgiving day parade. I wish Teshina’nell’nene heard that cuz I’d love to see her whoop hith ath. Not that he’s wrong.

Hambert tells us that he did a great job finishing his dress, but we don’t get to see it. Betsey Westsey says Elian’s dress is cheap and tight. Hair and makeup! The designers run around like crazy and Jonathan tells us it’s a disaster of Chernobyl proportions. Uh you mean when 4,000 people died? Yes, a bunch of fug red dresses are just like that. Dumbass. Showtime! Heidi comes out looking tasteful. And that’s pretty much the only person I can say that about.

Kors’ brown is wearing off (finally. That was one sticky tan). He’s more of a rust color now.

Who left Kors out in the rain?

Nina looks like Nina, and the guest is cofounder of Marchesa, Georgina Chapman. Also known as the woman who holds her breath and blows Harvey Weinstein for guest spots on shows he owns. If you have heart trouble, the following mental picture should keep you from eating for days, thereby declogging your arteries. Glad I could help.

Naked. You’re welcome.

Heidi lists names of celebs who have worn Chapman’s dresses: Halle Berry, J Lo, and Anne Hathaway. All actresses from Harvey Weinstein movies! What a coincidence! Jonathan starts us off, and he’s made a really cheap looking layered bell dress. But he’s made a thin person three times her size, so I’m ok with it.

I don’t know if the back is on purpose or if he ran out of material, but it’s really, really bad.

Emilioth made the exact same dress his model came in with, but this one’s red and strapless. Lame.

If this weren’t shot so long ago I’d guess that Maya’s been watching too much Spartacus.

It looks Biblical from far back, but up close it’s just ridiculous.

Throw soup on her.

Flamingay did a mini skirt with a sleeveless jacket. It looks a little unfinished, but I like his Campbell’s top.

Irana did a long flowy drapey Lawrence Welk-y dress, and it’s the pertiest so far.

Elian has made a cougar whore dress.

Amish Girl hasn’t done anything stunning yet this season, but she’s always been planted firmly in the middle. Not tonight!! This shit is wack!! She made the straps and cleavage skin colored like a sad old waitress at Caesars who doesn’t wanna get her underarm fat into her drink tray. This is just wrong.

The name card gets out of our way, but it doesn’t help things.

Jaysian has made his poor model look like an open filing cabinet drawer.

Was he not happy with her boobs so he formed some for her out of fabric? I think what’s bugging me the most about all this is that instead of using the bodies they were given and making them beautiful, these designers are trying to come up with all these tricks to hide things. It’s offensive. This lady looked a hell of a lot better without boobs formed with boning. Excellent hair and makeup though.

Straight Guy actually did use his model’s figure, and she looks great. The jacket construction looks wonky from here and the color is not cute, but the dress shines when the straightjacket is removed.

Little Orphan Annie is all grown up. And kinda slutty.

Ben did a Homely Wonder Woman thingy. It’s not as crappy as some of what we’ve seen so far, but he won’t win. I might be biased though cuz they keep flashing to him in his sleeveless outfit and it’s just killing me.

Off with his ears!

Mila’s dress is insane, and the coolest so far in my humble opinion.

Betsey Wetsey’s model looks like she’s walking down the plank to her death. Take the lead out, lady! The bottom of the dress confuses me, but today the standards are WAY lowered and hers is at least different. Oh, and she cries during her testimonial. LOL finally.

Weezy Jefferson’s dress looked a hundred times better before Hambert cut it all up, but the belt is cute. The rest is a little “clinging to the sock hop years” to me. Did Peggy Sue get married at the end of that movie? I can’t remember my point, so let’s just take a deep breath and move the hell on.

Mila, Maya, Amish, Irana, Straight Guy and Elian are kept on the runway. Elian’s out! YAAAYYYY!!! There’s no way he was in the top on this one and he’s been on the bottom enough to be pooping without even knowing it. Out. Girl Weinstein loves Mila’s detailing and Nina calls the stars brilliant. Kors and Heidi give the model credit for making it work. Heidi thinks Straight Guy’s dress is boring, and Kors says the model looks like a majorette. LOL. Nina likes the neckline, and Kors thinks he was close but no cigar.
Kors sighs at Elian and says he took all the tacky available and put it all onto one cougar. Girl Weinstein thinks the fake jewels hurt him, and Heidi says his taste is lacking. Nina tops it off with a bored “cliche”. She loves Irana’s dress, and calls it modern and feminine. Girl Weinstein agrees, and Kors gives her a thumbs up. Nina likes Amish Girl’s dress bottom, but thinks the back is busted. Kors says the model looks too broad, and Girl Weinstein calls her out on the flesh colored top. Heidi likes Maya’s dress and Nina compliments the clutch. Ooooh that is cute!

In alone time, the judges repeat themselves. They agree that Elian is tacky but can sew. Kors says “taste is something you can’t learn.” Amen, my orange sista. No one’s a big fan of Amish Girl either. Mila and Irana are both given props. Irana can take this one, but I’m rooting for Mila, just to see Emilioth get all pissy about it. Irana wins!! DAMMIT!! Well, she made a gorgeous dress so good for her. Sucks for Mila though. I hope she doesn’t take it out on her bangs tonight.
Straight Guy’s in! That leaves Amish and Elian. He’s tacky and she made a fug dress….but she’s in!!! Elian is back to the raft. AW! He says he’s super shocked by this turn of events and adds that he’s young and has plenty of time to make something of himself. In the meantime, his mom’s basement is good enough.
This season started with a lot of promise, but this episode has me a little worried. That was A LOT of ugly. Oh, and I think today is heart health day or something so don’t eat french fries. See you next week!!