Lindsay Lohan is Not Abused, So Let’s Get On With Our Day

Nads needed a little time off today, which means I get to go to People Magazine and make fun of their articles. All I have to do is look at the front page once to stay happy for the whole day!

Cuz you realized college might have been a good option after all?

Celine’s Private Heartbreak: Oh poor Celine!! She’s only worth a few Oprahs and she can’t make babies!! Shut up and buy some you ingrate. You know why I can never write for People? Cuz my story would be: BABIES NEED NUTRIENTS. EAT SOMETHING OR DIE ALONE. The end.

How is it your private heartbreak when it’s on the cover of People? Just asking.

LiLo: So apparently Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson were at some club Monday and didn’t say hi to each other! I’m sure you all knew about this already. I’m like SO BEHIND. Naturally, America turned to their twitter accounts to find out the scoop, but Li had nothing to say about it. She did, however, insist that she’s sick of people saying Ronson used to beat her. “This is become a bit much*Samantha R never raised a hand to me, I’ve never said she did* Enough is Enough. Focus on other more important….World Issues,” Nice grammar, Li. So move on people, let’s talk more about Haiti k? Besides, I don’t remember any rumor that Ronson beat Li, I think we all assumed it was the other way around. Just last week during a screaming match, Lindsay threw a lit cigarette at Ronson’s face. Ronson has not tweeted yet about whether or not she is being beat. Lesbians, right?
Beyonce Named Official Face of “Fashion For Haiti” t-shirt: LOL Be. That girl will be the face of anything. All the news about insane rape statistics and human trafficking in Haiti the past week won’t get Be down! She’ll put her face on it, k? Hey Beyonce, I love you very very much. But if you’re gonna put your face on something, how bout you put it on the cover of an album that doesn’t suck butt?? I don’t care what the Grammy people said, that two disc Sasha Fierce was a wreck with one good song.
Jamie Lynn Spears Moves Out and Moves on with New Guy: I can’t believe we even have to hear one more word about this mess. How is she even dating? She should be grounded for the rest of her life. And don’t worry, humans aren’t the only catastrophes featured this week :

That’s just wrong.

Angelina Goes Shopping for Babies in Haiti hospital: One thing I love about Angelina is no matter how rich she gets, the girl will always look for a bargain. Good luck, Angie!

The future Miss Hannigan