Project Runway: Carb Wrappers

Tonight on Project Runway, models are confronted with their greatest fear: CARBS.

Potatoes were in those things before you were. EEEEWWWWW!!!

Previously, America found a new favorite gay and Ping cried and got one of the models sent back to the popsicle stick factory. Wait. That didn’t happen. Where did that clip come from? That must have happened on the Models show or some shit. Nice tagging other endings onto this show, PR. Can I continue or do I need to worry about you guys spoiling this week’s Good Wife ending, too? Jerks.

I won the case!

We open with a guy sitting at the river contemplating suicide.

Well don’t do it in the river. Painful. Jump off a bridge or something. You’re welcome.

The boys wake up in their apartment after the first challenge. Elian Gonzalez is sleeping on his face. Ah, to be a ten year old immigrant without fear of pillow crease wrinkles.

Elian is depressed cuz he was in the bottom three. It hurts worse than being on the bottom. He was f’ed so hard by those judges he woke up with a wart on his lip.

the Flamingay wakes up asking “did the rollers come out of my hair?” LOL. Pamela, the weird cougar lady , says that each week someone will be kicked off, until there are just three people left. Thanks, coug. I’ll bet she takes ten minutes to explain how to play tic tac toe.

The anorexic Amish girl says she wants to do something “really New York” today. I hope you get to do something really New York too. It would be fun to see your reaction to getting robbed, chased, and masturbated on. Then maybe you could get a bagel and take in a nice show or something. I miss you New York! Well, except for the being chased part. I hate running.

I hope a cab splashes gutter water all over me today. YAY NY!

Heidi comes out on the runway pregnant and still thinner than most of us. I hope her uterus is getting kicked really hard right now. All she tells the designers is that they will be going to somewhere “really out there.” A show? A baseball game? No, they’re going to visit all of Amish girl’s sisters on a farm!

I don’t know why you’re surprised. Moms have been brought on before. The girls are all in potato sacks, or as models call them, carb wrappers. The challenge will be to make those potato sacks fabulous. The guy who looks like a American Idol’s Adam Hambert in retirement, Old Hambert, is really into this challenge cuz it’s different and weird, like he struggles to be.

Eyeshadow really sets you apart from all the other dads struggling to hold onto their years spent as teenage goth girls.

There’s more! The dresses will be worn to “an industry event” and the models are “clients”, so they get to say what they want. I am guessing no one will ask for “education” or “food.” What exactly happens at an industry event for models, anyway? I would love to cater that party. Just put a bunch of fingernails on a serving plate and call it a day.
The models will be choosing their designers. Jaysian is chosen first, and does a cartwheel in the mud. Mila’s model dumps her and chooses Flamingay, who squeals like a little girl being poked in the eye. Mila is so offended that she makes this face.

If I were in the cast I would follow Mila around all day telling her bad news, just to see more of those faces. She takes it very personally and wonders why she was dissed. Do I smell? Is it my bangs? Did she not like my design? I start to feel legitimately bad for her, but then her eyes focus in two different directions and she makes this face:

LOL

It’s down to Betsey Wetsy and Mila, and the model says “this is a really hard choice”, but has the breeding not to add “between which of you scares me most.” She takes Betsey Wetsy, who squeals and runs toward the model screaming YOU LIKE MEEEEE! HAHAHAH. I haven’t ever seen anyone so excited about coming in 14th out of 15 people. Mila isn’t amused. “What am I, chopped liver?” No. You’re liver that’s been dropped onto the dirt, smashed into paste and dragged all over the carpet. Buck up.
There are bins on the farms with buttons, ribbons, and hopefully scrunchies, cuz these twigs are gonna need belts. The girl from Iran who’s not Irina says that she has trouble taking direction from clients. That might be a problem down the line when old rich ladies want to inspect your uranium plants, hon. Gonna need to be a little flexible k?
Pong, obviously, is thrilled with this challenge, and I am worried that she’s not gonna do much with her sack. It already looks like pretty much everything else she’s ever made. She’ll probably just find some old bits of hoof lying around on the farm, turn them into earrings and wrap the sack around the model’s head like a turban. Falmingay’s model won’t shut up about what she wants, and Flamingay just wants a racquetball to shove in her mouth.
Back at the workroom, the string is pulled on Tim’s back and he blurts “make it work!” a couple of times before going back to his box. Mila can’t let the model snub go, so while everyone starts working on their designs, she brings this up with Flamingay. I think she just wants a pat on the back and a “shhhh honey it has nothing to do with you. You’re fabulous and talented and charming, I just happen to be really funny so girls like to hang out with me whenever they get a chance.” Instead, he tells us that Mila is “confronting” him and all he hears is “I so better than you!” Why he’s using Pong English isn’t explained.
He doesn’t say anything to Mila, so she wraps up her wah session with “her loss!” Then she quickly adds “not about you.” He drawls “Done worry I leff my feelin’s in Atlanna Joeja.” LOL. He tells us that Mila can kiss his and his entire family’s asses. LOVE HIM. The editors do too, cuz they subtitle everything he says even thought it’s pretty clear, just so people with mute on can still laugh.

If that shirt’s any indication, it’s Easter in 1982. Mila’s just getting her first hot flash. Don’t take it personally.

When we come back from over five minutes of commercials for women’s products, I have to immediately pause and stare at the TV. Is Old Ham wearing that spray on hair?

Everyone’s working their fingers to the bone on their burlap. Well, almost everyone. Pong is playing Mary in a nativity scene.

What do you mean you don’t have room for me at the inn? Motherfuckers I’m Jesus’ MOTHER! (starts inn on fire and cackles)

Amish girl didn’t only take trim from the farm, she also took potatoes. Not to eat, mind you, but to make poop stains all over her dress.

Tim comes in to check on progress. He starts with Cougar, and doesn’t like that she’s making a one piece. She starts giggling manically so he just lets her do whatever it is that she was planning. Mila is next. Tim wants to know what the f she’s thinking with the green tulle she’s using, and she says that the model really likes it and she doesn’t want to get broken up with again. He rolls his eyes and tells her to ignore the twig, which is ignoring the challenge right? He doesn’t think Jaysian will have time to dye all his burlap and then add a ribbon trim to it, but Jaysian doesn’t care. Pong wants to “carve out a necklace” on her model, which Tim finds intriguing, his word of the day. Pong laughs and says “yes I know I’m always intriguing.” Emilioth overhears and does this.

Bwahahahahaha

She’s making a mini skirt, and Tim worries that it’s going to be so short that she’s gonna be shoving malnourished vag down the judges’ throats. Iranian girl says her model wants an open back and puffy sleeves. Tim doesn’t like it, and tells her to ignore the model. Dang, Tim! Isn’t it his job to keep them on task? Wait. I spoke too soon. Elian Gonzales is going waaay off task, using his burlap as a kind of Mormon full body underwear and then covering it up with other material. Tim calls him out on not even making an effort to play by the rules, and he does it in typical Tim fashion. “Pardon the pun, but you skirted the challenge.” I wonder how long that’s been sitting in his diary just waiting to see the light of day. Elian looks just like he did the day he found out he was going to have to get back onto the raft for a return trip to Cuba to live with his dad.

Bud he make me watch foodbole!

Models are sent in with only three and a half hours to go. Iran is almost eaten by her giant model. Lay of the calcium Gigantor.

Pong’s immediate goal is to make sure her model’s “bottocks” are covered. Old Ham says Pong is interesting but can’t construct for beans. Flamingay’s model is all bossy and demands blue buttons on her cocktail dress. He’s not pleased, and it doesn’t help that Mila is standing behind him rolling her eyes independently of each other.

That takes talent.

She’s being as nice to her model as she can, but she doesn’t know how to do it so she’s just making rat face. Poor Mila.

Like me or I’ll breed in your walls and leave droppings by your fridge.

She says that at the end of the day, it turned out to be a good thing that her last model dissed her. Oh get a grip already, lady! LET IT GO. Jaysian’s fabric is dry now, but unfortunately his skirt came out navy blue instead of black. Did he not dye the pieces together? Cuz that’s just dumb. And wasn’t he telling his model earlier that doing a black dress was the easy way out? I’m confused by Jaysian. I’m also confused as to how Heidi still gets a leg closeup and doesn’t have swollen ankles. That woman is offensive on every level.

The next morning, everyone races to finish and does a lot of really boring stuff, like…sew. Models come in for fittings, and Cougar is wearing an entire Indian Casino gift shop around her neck.

I got this off an Indian woman I hunted. Her head is on the wall of the game room at my fairytale castle.

Ben, the tiny comic book obsessed gay, tells us that his model took one look at his dress and fell in love with it. In case you forgot what “in love with it” looked like, here you go:

There’s just so much war in the world.

Pong’s model is a bit confused by her dress, but she’s a model and that’s just kinda how she looks so Pong doesn’t take it personally. Instead she jiggles around and laughs a lot. Jonathan tells us that the dress doesn’t even cover the model’s ass. I can’t wait to see this.

To get to the other side?!? THAT’S HILARIOUS!!

Last minute alterations! Hair and makeup! OMG I’M NOT GONNA FINISH! Jaysian looks at all the mayhem and tells us “everyone’s running around like chickens………….with their heads cut off.” Then he looks into space like he really came up with a good one there and I slap my forehead. Time for the show!! Heidi comes out dressed like a baby thrown into a dumpster.

Get GLAD!

Kors is here. The burnt sienna from last week is wearing off, but he’s still not orange. He looks like a really old glass of chocolate milk.

Nina’s not only gotten the frizz out two weeks in a row, she’s also added extensions! The extensions look healthier than her real hair though, which is kinda awkward.

To be fair, you can’t really just order dry ratty extensions out of a catalogue.

And now for today’s guest! Actress, model, adventurer, and the original gap tooth, Lauren Hutton!! Dang Lauren looks amazing, and she really gives it her all. For instance, here she’s only waving and she looks like she’s singing a power ballad. Work those neck muscles!

My heart will go on! (inside voice)

Anthony Flamingay is out first. WOW. VAST improvement over last week. The dress moves like it’s made from cotton. There is a bit of vag peeking through, but overall well done.

Are these girls given a per diem for Brazilians?

Pong’s model looks like she’s ready for a potato sack race but doesn’t have a partner to get in the sack with her. Aw! This dress is constructed terribly, and it’s not insane in a fun way. The model looks like she’s gonna cry.

If you don’t have money to buy new clothes, DON’T LOSE WEIGHT.

Then the model turns around and her tiny bony ass is hanging out. This episode is like an anatomy class.

Old Ham laughs his ass off along with Lauren Hutton while Nina shakes her head and tries to decide what flavor baby she wants to order tonight from room service.

Not in the mood for Chinese again….Russian?

Ben’s model looks further along than Heidi.

Mila’s dress is the hottest so far. I’m sorry I can’t give you a better shot, but the editors don’t give me one.

Her model had a little too much sodium today, but that’s not Mila’s fault.

From far away, Kors looks like a thumb.

Amish girl has made a dress for a poor single mom standing in the cheese line during the Great Depression.

Straight Guy is really proud of himself for being the only one to make pants. Unfortunately, they don’t fit very well and the suit looks, well, like a potato sack. No self respecting horse would allow itself to be ridden by a mess like this.

Horse? Horse? WHERE’D YOU GOOOO?????

Old Ham came up with a bad ass hood and skirt. The top is a little busted, but he’ll be safe. There’s no butt or vag showing. But barely.

Up close his model looks like a young Mila, doesn’t she?

Before her eyeballs got a mind of their own.

Iran retained the color of the potato sack, but her dress is pretty and flows extremely well. Love the burnt edge thing she’s got going on. Nicely done! Now please stop threatening to blow up Israel.

Betsey Wetsy made a cute dress! And she hasn’t cried once! She better get on it cuz I don’t know her name and Betsey Wetsy has already been ingrained in my fingers’ muscle memory. The dress does have some problems in the fit area. The top of the model looks tiny and then boom. Child bearing hips. Still, cuteness.

Jaysian’s top looks like it was made out of torn construction paper.

The bottom looks like an afro.

Girrrrl!

Emilio’th dress is part seventies, part The Nanny, and all fug.

I’m a little confused by Elian Gonzalez’ dress. Did he ignore Tim and use no burlap? Or is the brown burlap? Either way, the model looks like a bored housewife with so much expendable income that she uses silk aprons to do dishes in.

He brags about how good he is with construction just as we get a closeup of how shitty he is with construction. The editors hate him, which makes me love them even more.

Nina looks downright hateful.

Elian tells us that he completely ignored Tim’s advice, which means the brown isn’t burlap. He’s out. Jonathan’s model looks like a V going though a body scanner at the airport.

Blame the underwear bomber.

Lauren Hutton is deeply confused, or she’s just really reaching for that internal belt C.

She’s singing the role of Madame Butterfly right now in her head.

Maya isn’t too into her own dress, but I like it. It’s a little arts and crafts-y kindergarten Thanksgiving-y, but it works for me.

Cougar made a simple blue dress with a racing stripe down the side that continues off the dress. The model looks like her leg is bleeding.

The dress works until the model turns around. You know I love it cuz Cougar’s pulled my favorite trick in the book. She’s made a skinny girl look fat.

Cougar, Mila, Pong, Jaysian, Elian Gonzalez and Iran are kept on the runway and the rest are excused. They start with Jaysian. Kors loves it, Hutton says it looks expensive. Nina thinks Cougar’s dress is too short, too tight, and too cheap. Kors says a potato sack would look better. Her model won’t answer when she’s asked if she likes it. Damn! I’m almost tempted to watch the models show just to see what an asshole this girl is. I said almost. Heidi loves Mila’s dress. Kors thinks it’s too cheap, and the model’s boobs are blurred out. LOL. It’s like COPS: Boobietown.

Pong goes on about her model looking too much like the potato sack. Then she cries. Heidi says her ass is hanging out. The model says “I like it, Pong!” AWWWW! Pong says she misunderstood the instructions and thought when they said industry party they meant county fair potato sack party. What the hell does Pong do in her spare time? Her life sounds amazing. Heidi says Pong is edgy but doesn’t know if it will translate into actual fashion. Or knowledge of any kind.
Heidi calls Elian out on not using any potato sack. Lauren says that it should look like a painting and it’s like salt in the eye. Damn, Hutt! I don’t know what she’s talking about but I like that she sounds like she smoked ten smokes during commercials. The judges love Iran’s work across the board. In alone time, Heidi gives the cast credit for putting together such a good show. Then the judges repeat themselves a lot. Did Kors get work done during break? He looks like Mickey Rourke.

Gayville Redenbacher

The judges can’t decide who was worse. Is Elian ever going to make something that’s not brown and tacky? Is Cougar gonna just try and make her models look fat? Does Pong really have an English problem or is she faking it like a maid who pretends she didn’t understand you when you asked her to clean the toilets?

Violet you’re turning violet Violet!

Design by Pong

Iran is in, and Jaysian wins with his afro skirt! He’s so excited that he squats to poo behind the PR flat.

Mila was dissed and robbed tonight! Pong’s in! That leaves Cougar and Elian on the runway. And Cougar’s out!! SO WRONG!!! Poor Cougar! That was not fair. That stupid potato sack suit should have lost. She cries and says that she’s fallen in love with the other designers. Yikes. She thinks that everyone really wishes she could be there til the end. LOL poor delusional Cougar. Back to her fairy tale cottage. Next week, a team challenge!! YAAAAYYY!!