Styl’d: Squeal Like a Man, Boy!

This week on Styl’d, Gary gets some dream advice:

Previously, Brett got his job back and crashed Janna’s car (but the victim was hot and famous so it’s all good), Cody got in troubs for stealing a belt off Taylor Hicks, and then he tried to convince us how in love he is with Julie.

OMG TOTES IN LOVE CAN’T WAIT TO SEE HER PENIS!

First off, I will be describing Cody as gay a lot during this recap. Not because I care one way or the other. After all, I am gay and it’s always good to have another member on our side. Well, not always.

There are many studies about what makes a person a homo. Mommy issues, genetics, or too much homogenized milk. No I am not making that last one up. I have a venti mocha every morning and I’m way gayer this week than I was last. Point is, no one should be ashamed of their sexuality and it’s nice to live in a world where gay people are so out and unaffected. Problem is, the straight guys are too. If every single man in the world is a bottom, then it means less sex for everyone. In other words, BUTCH IT UP, MEN! ALL OF YOU! Especially these two:

Now that that’s out of my system…wait. It’s not yet.

OMG I HOPE SHE SHAVES HER SCROTUM LOLXORMOFLOIJSDGHS

All better. We open today with Cody doing his best legit straight guy act with some dude he works out with. There are a lot of “dude, yeah, uhhhhh DUDE”s while Cody gossips about his coworkers being bitches. He also mentions that he is into one of his bosses, and then swoons as hot Dave does pullups with his massive arms.

What was I saying?


I think I can help you out with that girl troubs. Grab your ankles.

Dave tells him to watch out for boss love because if he keeps flirting with her he will eventually have to get his penis hard. Cody calls Julie for lunch to ask if she has advice for him. Also cuz she’s hot. Julie arrives, they hug, and I have to say is Julie is hot. There’s something so attractive about a woman who can beat you up and still look good every second of the day. Julie’s like uh, so you called me. WHY? He gets red in the face and stutters about wanting to learn stuff from her and doesn’t make one cohesive sentence. Example: “how have you become so successful to get to the position that you are? I mean obviously you are talented with the way you see things and put things together but you know…you know? You know?” LOL.

I know I already sent the waiter for my coffee, but I’d rather you get it. NOW.

Jen is getting his vibes and is super uncomfortable. Should she kiss him or kick him in the nuts? She gets right to the point and says that wine is inappropriate and if he has something to say he needs to spit it out. Unless it’s about her boobs. Because that would be bad. And she’s out! Bitch didn’t even let him buy her a bite of salad!

Dave, this is Cody. I’m sorry for calling AGAIN but please pick up. I need a cuddle.

Gary drives Brett to get the boot off his car in the giant tiny penis truck. Brett’s desperate fag hag roomie did all the paperwork and paid the fines. She even got him a new case for his iphone!! I need to shop around for a new desperate fag hag. Mine gave me a birthday card she drew on the back of a napkin. Oh wait, Brett says that his mom came through with the money. Poor long suffering mother. Gary says that getting the boot of his car means that Brett is on his way to getting his shit together and his mom would be proud. LOL how does that make any sense? He didn’t get his shit together, he called his mommy! And if she’s proud of anything it’s probably the new remodel she did on his room the second he finally left the house.

Before

After


I’m changing my number.

Cody arrives at Janna’s apartment. She has a tiny insecure dog that she has to carry everywhere. I will wait for the shock to pass. And…I’m back. She tells us that Cody’s the only straight guy and if he showed any interest she’d probably “hang out with him.” Poor, poor, poor, poor, pooooooor Janna. When homeless people ask her for change she probably spends the whole ride home wondering if their was any kind of flirtation in their eyes. Cody tells her about taking Julie out to lunch. Janna digs for info, and his red face is all she needs. He’s totally getting an unfair advantage by using his dashing Clay Aiken looks!
Later, Janna goes to meet Tara the toothbrush saboteur to get their nails done. She says that Cody has been taking Julie out and is totally trying to get one up on them. Tara says that of course he’s trying to fuck her and she’s pissed! She’s gonna rub her vagina all over his car keys the second she gets the chance. Hopefully she will do it dressed in this outfit, because she looks like an organ player at a funeral home in the 1800s and this look would make a good old fashioned vagina car key sabotage perfect.

Come to me my angel of muuuuuuusiiiiic!

Cody and Gary hang out in Gary’s hot tub eating pizza. Gary squeals a lot and tells Cody he would do him. Cody hits his head on the pool’s edge, and then says that he just can’t understand why so many gay guys are into him. Probably cuz you keep sucking their wieners. This is just a shortened version of the clip I opened with, so I won’t go off again.
Gary decides it would be fun to hang out with Tara so he calls her. She’s happy to hear from him and excited to go to a shopper’s anonymous meeting together until she hears that he’s with Cody, which instantly turns her voice icy. She says she has a lot to do today and she needs to get his dick out of Cody’s ass. LOL. Gary squeals. He’s offended. How dare she suggest that he’s a top?! This could ruin his reputation and get him way less free drinks at the bar. He can’t believe her rudeness and tells Cody that she’s bitter. Cody agrees and adds “bitch” on top. Then they go back to talking about how hot Cody is and how everyone on Earth falls in love with him and he can’t help it. Squeal! Squeal! Squeeeeeal!
Cody and Brett are working with Jen today. Soulja Boy is the job. He’ll be going to the MTV Movie Awards and needs some giant gold chains and pants that fall down to just right above the knees. Ooooh this is a tough one! He’s 19 so he wants to keep it youthful, cool, and “fashiony”. Uh, thanks Jen. Glad you’re here. She’s afraid of Brett’s version of urban youth. In other words, no giant plastic sunglasses or hot pink short shorts. They’ll be pulling from a store called G Star, and Cody jumps in and says he just loooves that store and he’s wearing clothes from there right now! Jen is impressed and tells him he’s really stepping it up, but when Soulja finds out he’s wearing clothes that Cody could possibly own he’s not gonna be happy. Little gingers are so not the goal. Brett gets pissed about Cody’s brown nosing, but only cuz Cody’s better at it.
Tara is working over at Eric’s place today, or as he likes to be referred to “Eric Arichibald doesn’t unpack cars”. He’s pissed to hear “that Terri’s in last place again.” LOL. You don’t even remember her name, which is kinda her problem. He believes in her talent, and hopes she can prove it on today’s job, which involves a young rapper named Tyga. Glad to see Urkel found another way to get some money rolling in.

Eric gives Terri her instructions, but I can’t hear him because I am trying to figure out his accent. It’s English, Ethiopian, Mexican and gay. World traveler alert! Tara isn’t all that familiar with the hip hop world so she’s super excited to prove that she can not stand out in all genres.
Gary and Janna’s job fell through today, so they are sent to shop for a junior assistant bbq. Gary squeals “oooh girl! Sugar cookies!” LOL. I don’t know why that cracked me up, but I had to rewind it like ten times. Then I got bored so I made a ringtone so I can hear it over and over. Here it is if you want it. For iphone:

Back to the store. Gary tells Janna that Tara’s an a hole and he can’t understand why anyone would want to be her friend when all she does is gossip. Janna stays quiet and smiles big, cuz she started all this Cody hate so he’s talking about her and doesn’t even know it. This kind of drama will lead nowhere. For Janna at least. For us, it might mean she will finally get punched in the face today. YAAAAYYYY!!!
Tara is working on her Urkel pull and thinks it’s time he gets him a new look. UHOH. She gets a khaki jacket and a peacoat. LOL. This should be fun. Eric comes in to check on her and she opens with the khaki. He’s like uh no. He kinda sorta likes two of her pulls but hates most of them and sums it up with one word: TRAGIC. In his mexiasiarussigayccent, he tells her to get her shit together. They arrive at the job, and Tyga gives a big no to everything up front. Towards the back, he finds a couple things he likes. But in Tara’s defense how do you dress someone who dresses like this on purpose?

The walking knock off purse look is totes in right now.

He likes the peacoat!! She might be onto something after all! Go Tara! Aren’t you glad you didn’t pee in his shoes yet?
Over at G Star, Cody and Brett look for the perfect jeans for Soulja Boy. You can say a lot about Brett, but he is definitely one thing. Consistent.

Jen comes to check on them and makes fun of Brett for pulling the red pants. He takes it as a compliment. Everything that Jen hates, Cody says “Brett pulled that.” HAHAH. Jen is disturbed by Brett’s pull. Back at the Tyga job, Eric has told Tara the wrong size. She’s pulled 34s and he’s just skin and bones. Tara is sent out to find the right size, and she takes the time to show off her gold bike chain glasses. There’s a reason no one wears this crap, TARA!

Tyga’s ready for the next look and Tara’s not back with the jeans!! OMG!! WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN?!?!?!? Cody and Brett arrive at another store, and Brett chooses a letterman jacket. Soulja’s never worn anything like it, so he thinks that means it’s perf. Cody talks about how mustard is totally in right now. I’m sorry, but was mustard ever out? Discuss.
Brett is sick of Cody’s bitchiness, so he decides to make him really uncomfortable by flirting with him. And it works! Maybe cuz Cody’s not gay, but most likely any living thing would be grossed out with Brett’s hands on them. Of course Brett could just decide to suck less, but that would be way harder than acting like a jackass.

Dude you smell like a cup of open yogurt I left out for a week. Get off me!

Tara finally arrives back with jeans, but she doesn’t have scissors. Eric is getting extra lispy with her, so she runs next door and grabs a pair. When she gets back, the rack has fallen on the ground. NBC’s Trauma could learn a lesson from this show. INTENSITY I TELL YOU! Eric has a fit and Tara is a big I’m sorry. Wahness. Cody and Brett arrive with Jen at their gig to unpack the car, and Brett is still pissing Cody off with gay comments. They’re super creative: “I’ll pull out your rod if you pull out my rod!” God he’s annoying. He needs to get fired every episode to make all this worth it. Jen finally gets annoyed with Brett, but he won’t stop. She says that he’s being a sexual harrasser and he needs to watch some after school specials. Brett just gets more and more annoying, which pleases Jen. At McDonald’s, he would have been shitcanned, but in the world of stylists, this kind of grating personality will probably help him rise to the top and finally get Margaret Maldonado out of her baby skinned office chair once and for all. All hail the new semi homeless queen of fashion!
Cody wants to put Soulja in all black, but Jen reminds him that Soulja specifically asked for color and Cody pulled the exact same outfit he’s wearing. Brett’s evil gay confusion plan has worked. I would yay, but it’s Brett so I just moan and press FF. Tara’s gig has worked out great by the end of the day, and Tyga left happy. Hope he got to keep that fake purse jacket. Now all Tara has to do is pack the car up. Without being smothered.

Soulja Boy arrives at the fitting with a team of people. Dump the leeches, dude! Save your cash! Every single one of them is wearing a giant chain with a giant plaque on it. Those things aren’t only fug and childish and ridonk, they’re really really expensive. I feel for Soulja right now, cuz you know he paid for every one of them and for what? For friends? He should meet Desperate Fag Hag Roommate and live happily ever after. They will be that kind of couple who invites you to a dinner party and then gives you the plates you ate on to take home and show off to your friends. Soulja says that he will be picking an outfit based on how well they go with these shoes:

Too bad Janna’s not here. She could have loaned him a Hello Kitty hoodie.

Cody grabs every pink item he can see. Jen tells him that he needs to put it together and make an effort to sell it. She’s more into Brett’s work, but Soulja doesn’t like his salesmanship.

EW. Keep your face out of this.

Cody has taken one of Brett’s t-shirts with pink in it and is pitching it as his own. Soulja says it’s like nothing he’s ever worn, but he’ll try it out cuz it looks nice. Then Cody steals a Brett face.

Soulja loves it. In related news, taste was murdered in Los Angeles this week.

Cody takes credit again for pulling the outfit. Then he tells us how he’s not just a pretty face and he deserves to be here. Brett tries to come up with something really gay to spew at Cody, but for once he’s silent. As Soulja leaves, Jen (who pronounces his name “soldier”), shouts “Later hater!” HAHAHAH. She’s got her finger on the pulse, that one.
The next morning, Tara goes to Jen’s and tattle tales on Cody for “hanging out” with Julie. She admits that Janna told her. Jen says that believing anything out of Janna’s mouth is a mistake and Julie’s not an idiot. Then she tells us that Tara’s an instigator and she’s over it. Well done, Tara! Jen doesn’t even want to look at her right now and gets her out of the garage without even unpacking. Jen could have tortured her for hours more for fun and she’s not in the mood. Tara has started to kill her evil spirit, and this is unforgivable.
Janna arrives at Gary’s house to get the bbq ready. She asks him how he’s gonna deal with the Tara situation. HAHA Janna’s such a dick. I have a more important question. How the f can Gary afford that gorge house? I have a feeling it has something to do with his perfect little butt. Those things are like goldmines if you just do your stretches. Cody arrives and tells Janna and Gary that Brett was hitting on him all day. It’s so weird that I posted a pic of Richard Simmons earlier, cuz Brett arrives dressed just like him. Well, like the homeless, sad alcoholic version of him.

That reminds me. I’m out of antibacterial soap. He laughs fakely and reminds Cody that he picked the t-shirt Cody took credit for earlier, but Cody just smiles and says nothing. Tara’s here! And she’s bought her best friend, That Girl!

Marlo! Does Phil Donahue know you’re out and about eating poor people bbq?

Jen arrives at a coffee shop to gossip with Julie and Eric about their jobs. Jen says that Brett and Cody are neck and neck and she can barely remember everyone else. Business is out of the way. She tells Julie about Tara tattle tale-ing about the relationship between her and Cody that doesn’t exist. Julie is instapissed and says that she would never be with a child. She goes outside and calls Cody, who puts her on speaker, thinking this is the moment she is going to proclaim her love in front of everyone. She accuses him of telling Tara that they’re dating and she’s gonna kill him and…the phone is taken off speaker.

Shoot. I’m out of Lysol. I think I need to start a shopping list.

Cody denies everything, but Julie tells him to shut his mouth and know that they aren’t dating and they never will. Cody freaks out, and Janna and Tara smile. Gary calls them out on starting it, and tells Tara that she starts shit with everyone. Cody confronts the girls. Janna tells him to calm down and says that all she said is that they went to coffee. Tara and Cody yell at each other and Tara starts going over the top about him getting preferential treatment because he’s cute, but she won’t answer the allegations. Gary says that he hates how Tara’s so vulgar and psychotic and such a shit stirrer and they’re not in high school. Marlo Thomas is inside cleaning toilets or some shit. Gary tells her to get out of his house, and she throws his water on him. Squeeeal! That was fun. I hope they get together more often. I can’t wait to see what bodily fluids Tara uses as an attack.
You have to hand it to this show, it’s about one of the most ridiculous jobs in the world, it’s cast some of the most vapid people in the world, and it still brings the goods every week. I am thankful for you, Styl’d.