Dancing With the Stars Finale Results PicCap: Joseph Smith Does the Lambada

Can you believe this season’s ending?!?! It seems like it’s only been running for ten years. Craziness! We open with a big glitter graphic spelling out ONE. LAST. CHANCE. And then they put this pic up.

OK that’s just rude, you guys.

I thought this was just gonna be another results show, but it’s a SPECTACULAAAH!!! Whitney, Miss Piggy, and Cloris all in one episode? BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!!!

Jerry Springer and a fat guy in satin! Are we at the Oscars???

Kelly Clarkson is everywhere these days!

Kelly, you’ve lost a lot of weight and had a makeover, but you need to stop with the microderm abrasion. I can’t see your face any more.


Tom I love when you do the opening! IT’S HILAAARIOUUUUUUSSSS!!!!


HAHAHAH LOLOLOLOLLLL YAY FUNNY HILARITY YAAAAYYY!


Push her!


There’s one good thing about being a dwarf. Your eyes are at the level of most boobies.

And now for a couple of minutes to recap what happened last night! Oh wait. We boned it. So just go ahead and FF.

Hey! Rudolph can’t have a shiny nose and a shiny penis or the song won’t work anymore. Perv!

I hate this fucking family.

Poor people gotta stay fat somehow.


Why eat a two dollar burger when you could eat five boxes of beef for one?

AHHHH! Carjacking! Kill it! This is like Crash! And I’m Thandie Newton and that hand is Matt Dillon! And he’s gonna….


Only my loser mother dreams of getting molested by the Hamburger Helper guy. Out loud.


Wait. Mac and beef? ? But aren’t you gonna move down the seat a little and…

Mom let me out of the car.


Who hasn’t dreamt of owning a short bus? Thanks, Ford!


The only downside is when we pass the special needs school. Kids just start running after us and we can’t understand why. So we throw Coke cans out the window and try to hit them.

AT&T makes your face fat. Get a Droid.

We’re back! We would just ignore that two minute clip that we just messed up and put on Whitney, but she’s still in her stem cell vocal chord regeneration chamber so shut up and watch last night again.

Bad girl! Bad bad girl!

That spanking part was awkward. And hot. But mostly awkward.

Damn this wig is heavy.

I have early onset arthritis when this show’s on so I couldn’t stop the FF for this song but I think it was about a football player falling in love with a chola clown.

I can make a switchblade disappear. Into your throat, vato!


Fire sale!

Take that, Tom DeLay!

She’s crowning!


Insert wacky nonsensical gaytalinness here.

Donny that letter from Marie was just a joke. She wouldn’t really choke you with your own testicles and leave you bleeding on the freeway. Calm down.

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for! Whitney! And the five Whitney copies playing over reverb!

Oh no. What happened to her eye?


Reenactment of the night Bobby and Whitney got kicked out of their first Holiday Inn.


Reenactment of the time Whitney got kicked out Dionne Warwick’s house.

Reenactment of that time Bobby and Whitney deposited a firecracker into the Wells Fargo ATM.

Reenactment of the time Whitney kept trying to punch God.

The great thing about this pic is Whitney’s voice is still singing loud. LOL.

Reenactment of the reaction in my apartment to that performance.
I know this is totally wrong to say out loud, but I think I liked her more on crack. She couldn’t sing then either, but at least she was funny.

That was wonderful! You still can’t come to my house, though.

Time to honor the newest inductee into the Loser’s Club!


Congrats, Ashlee!!


Dude. There’s a Ford waiting outside for you.


Am I too old to start questioning my sexuality?


Never mind.


Thinly veiled JLo biography.


After that, you’re screwed. Get a bike.


So no songs with no structure that warble on about a relationship no one cares about? Pass!


Wrong night to endorse bulimia.

Yup you guys still blow. Thanks for coming by!


Remember that time you got mono from that mystery person?


Oh. I….your song has just been made ten times more uncomfortable.


Hands off!! I’m cutting that bitch.


Sandra Bullock is turning into one really long Whitney comeback song on DWTS.

And now, Mr. Roeper is back to do the Texas Two Step!! Let’s see how many times he stares at Cheryl’s rack.

Only five!! Class act!

So, Roeper. Three’s Company was HILAAAARIOUS!! HAHAHAHAHAH!!! What ever happened to Janet Wood?

Let’s watch more losers revel in their loserdome!

I’d like to think that if my father knew the piggy back move would one day cost someone the Dancing With The Stars title, he would have rethought giving me so many as a kid. Happy childhood memories? RUINED.

Street fights haven’t been so proudly gay since violence broke out when that lady hung an effigy of Sarah Palin in front of her house in West Hollywood.


Violence against women isn’t cool. Even in gay street fights, k?


Fuck you, Turtle!


We’re not supposed to use short people as stools, Corolla. It’s rude.

We heard that black people get twenty percent off all day!

We have this same commercial in TX. But it’s for guns.


Useless Samantha is air drumming to accordion music. HAHAHAHA.

Adam Corolla is back for another segment about manning up Donny Osmand. Good luck with that.

We were just talking about how much we like Glee!


Kelly, girrrrl, what are you wearing?


I was feeling too thin and pretty so I decided to spend a day as Jack.

You offended gay people, straight people, transgenders, non genders, and gay and transgender clowns with this outfit. What do you have to say for yourself?!?


Fine. I apologize to clowns but that’s it! The transgenders can suck it!

Don’t forget to watch V! It’s a show about lizards.

Well, another show about lizards.

Sabrina’s back, and she looks like a Scream mask.

The call’s coming from inside the house!


This commercial sees sad faces everywhere. It’s negative, but I totally get it.

Kelly, it’s not nice to make fun of Sabrina when she’s in the studio.


Hallo! I am here to make poot on tite and make dancing wizz your daughters!

AAAHHHH!! The Germans are here! Get in the basement!

It’s very difficult being Kelly’s brother cuz she’s so gorgeous and talented and people invite her places and stuff and smell like toe cheese and even my mom tries to stand ten feet away from me at all times.

Ooooh, Jacks. Eeet ees ogaygay.

This is just like the first time, but way more boring. Congrats on amping it up!

Someone needs to take LaToya’s pass back. Ho will show up wherever there’s a crafts services table.


Kelly, you touched me. And I haven’t been touched in a very, very, VERY long time. My womb is like the inside of a can of air.

Aw! That’s so awkward and nice! Excuse me I’m gonna go wash my hands.


Finally! A sale on Asian children! One good thing about this shit economy is that I can finally be a father!

An American is the alien in this family film. By the second act he’ll be washing car windows in front of Home Depot and demanding free health care.

Just what we’ll need after a two hour Dancing With the Stars. MOOOORRREEEE!

Now some sweet memories of Mya’s time on the show.


YOU SUUUUUCK!


Let’s just make him think of Ron Jeremy and he’ll give us a 10.

Told ya!

Now for some Donny memories!

Two rules. One: make me look tall. Two: If Marie gets back stage taze the bitch.

One accomplished!

Talk louder! I can’t hear you!

Dude, did you see that kid? He’s bald as a kitchen floor! Wait. Is the camera on?


Show her you care. Buy her stuff from Big Lots.


Who can blame him? Last chance before he’s back to the wife.


Donny, you didn’t touch me. TOUCH ME DONNY!

Guys I know this is long but can you finish your game of hangman during the commercials?

What do you think about ponies?


Uh…..

I mean, are they like unicorns without a horn or are they their own kind of animal?

And now for the rankings from the judges, and also the best screenshot of the night.

Don’t worry, she totally recovers for this next one.

But can you sing Like a Virgin better than Madonna? CAN YOU?

No, but I can sing Puppy Love with way more of a tinge of sadness that it had seventy years ago while the flying midget prances around the stage, skanklet!


This song makes me want to murder you.


I collected all the marshmallows in the box! WOOHOOOO!


If you guys wanna hear more warbly semi-keyed versions of songs you hated five decades ago, come down to the Flamingo in Vegas! We put nuts on the table for FREEEEE!

That sounded like the PETA puppy killing ward.

You’re hot.
You are.
Seriously your pores are invisible.
Black don’t crack!
I know, right?
I’m glad we split a pair of earrings. Cuz they were expensive.
I’ve had my eyes on some hoops at Clair’s.
Ooooh I love hoops!
Me too!
Let’s get married.
Woah. That’s illegal.
Make out?
K.

Hey! You look like a pig! No offense. What do you think of ponies?


What a fucking moron AMMIRIGHT??

She’s hillllaaaaaarious! HAHAHAHAH


I’ve been waiting all season for someone to do that.


Get that cookie some Valtrex.


Have some Vaseline, Dr. Quinn!


The new BachelorOMAGAOSIDHBASDFBIASFB. I don’t know whether to call the pizza place, do pushups, kill myself or thank the Lord. I think that’s called LOVE.


Who let Sharon Osbourne get drunk?


MethFace did it!

It’s embarrassing and sad when you get kicked off DWTS, but I have no pity when you come back to get kicked off over and over. DANCE OFF!

Yay Cloris! No one’s bawls are safe!


Same caption, minus the Cloris.


F you Len. And what happened to Bruno? He looks like a ten year old with a waddle.


RIGGED!

Whitney was breathy and confused the first time around, so let’s bring her back! Maybe she’ll have a breakdown.

Woah. Watch that step. Whose bright idea was it to make the addict walk down stairs?

Man. That Precious girl is everywhere.

I know I asked this already, but what the heck happened to Whitney’s eye? I demand an investigation!

So far it’s like the original I Wanna Dance With Somebody, but with a breath after every word. Damn you, stairs!

OK second half not as ok. Ouch. I am never doing crack.

Bitch stole my sound.

Unicorns aren’t real. Fuck you, Useless!


There you have it. Unicorns are ponies with horns.

Wait until I tell Madonna about this. If she ever calls me back.

And now for RESULTS!!!!

Kelly’s third!! WTH?!?! I knew she wouldn’t beat Donny, but Mya? COME OOON!

I just want to say thank you America and I hope Len dies in a pool of his own vomit.

Donny wins!! OMG!! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! And this year he doesn’t only win a shiny crappy trophy, he wins a really shiny lady to take home!

You got the highest scores of the season and lost in a popularity contest! THAT’S HILAAARIOUS!

Have some crackers.

Marie’s waiting outside with a chainsaw. How do you guys feel about the results? Did he deserve it? Thanks for being with us this season! See you next time! xo