FlipitTypes TV – Recaps, Gossip, and Trash Talk

It’s Christmastime! That means there ain’t crap on TV. Actually, scratch that. It means there’s ONLY crap on TV. But there’s no good reason not to watch it!! Enter TVGuide Channel with the story of the year. It’s about how a face like this….

….did this…

Christmas Miracle!!

All I really know about Susan Boyle is that she looks like a fat, unkept Donny Osmand and became an international sensation for singing a Patti LuPone song. Since it’s always been my dream to become an international sensation for singing like Patti LuPone, I thought this might be one biography I should snuggle up with this holiday season. Join me, won’t you?
Big gold letters splash up on the screen telling us that DREAMS. CAN. COME. TRUE!! TONIGHT. SUSUAN BOYLE. LIVES. THAT. DREAM!!!! Well, who hasn’t dreamt of having their biography shown on the TVGuide Channel? Glad to see someone get their chance. Now is Divine Design a rerun tonight or not? I don’t know. Because the TV listings aren’t showing. RIP OFF!! My dream was to watch Divine Design tonight and now I’ll never know when it’s on. Susan Boyle has killed the dream I dreamed.
Hey, you know when I said that Susan Boyle looks like a fat unkept Donny Osmand? Look what pic just popped up!!

LOLOLLLLLLLL!! Tell me I’m wrong.

Guess what this special is called? I Dreamed a Dream! Duh. I think they should have called it Photoshop Overkill: How to Go From Dowdy to Just Kinda Dowdy in Six Months.

Home Alone: The Golden Years

Whatever you do, Boyle, don’t use that pic on Match.com. If you’ve got five necks and rooster jowls, guys wanna know that shit up front. Hey! You’re a star now and we’re gonna put your face on billboards across America! Just hide half of it. Love ya mean it.
This is a live show with an audience and everything!! WOWEEE! The host is Piers Morgan. If he doesn’t tell me what time Divine Design is on I’m gonna be super pissed. He looks like a big bowl of orange sherbet.

How come spray tans don’t work on British People?

Piers tells us that Susan Boyle had a lurid sexual affair and a crack addiction. Kidding!! She had a DREAM!!! Let’s see where it began.

Like any good star, Boyle’s life began in the projects. Who says those places are good for nothing? I’m kinda jealous that I was raised in the middle class.

Sorry you’re stuck in the projects, pasty losers! Maybe you should try having a DREEEEAAAMMMMM.

Susan’s friend tells us (from Susan’s favorite place, a bar) that Blackburn is a close knit community and people there look out for each other. At least I think that’s what she said. She sounds like a low rent Dinner Theater actress playing Eliza Doolittle in Act 1 of My Fair Lady. I’ve heard so many fake ass accents over the years that the real thing sounds marble mouthed and ridiculous. Shots of the neighborhood. I’m depressed. Everyone’s overweight and cold. And they give old ladies black eyes there!

Stop Senior Abuse

Susan goes back home for this special all dressed up and made over. Bad move, as you can see in the pic below. A jealous poor person chopped her hand right off.

Marble Mouthed Friend tells us that Susan was a gorgeous child with good hair. There were signs of deviancy though early on. Here’s a pic of her molesting a bear.

Someone’s been listening to Tommy too much.

Violin music starts to play. Susan comes on the screen and tells us that she had a slight disability as a child that made it hard to trust people. Disability? Being shy isn’t a goddamn DISABILITY. Man, it sure didn’t take her ass long to become American.
She says that her “disability” made it hard to make friends, cuz she couldn’t trust anyone. That led to people making fun of her. The violins swell. I feel bad for a second. Here’s a disabled person that’s always been made fun of and here I am making fun of her. But I have a disability too. I’m very, very bored. WAAAAHHHHH!!!!

Watch out. You’re hair’s about to bite your forehead off.

Performing saved Boyle’s life, k? She got her start by going to bars and doing Paula Poundstone routines.

When Poundstone’s alcohol and child abuse charges started flowing, the only other option was singing.

Singing in clubs attracted some super classy dudes to our lady.

Ernest Goes to Blackburn.

Susan’s mom died in 2007, and Boyle lost it. Aw. I will not make fun of that. After crying for a couple years, Susan finally went to her now infamous audition for Britain’s Got Talent. The hosts say that when they first met her they said “uh oh another one of those.” Funny, cuz that’s what I said when I saw them. They meant “crazy person”, I meant “hacks relegated to reality hosting because their fart app didn’t get approved in the app store”.

Pull my finger.

Susan was nervous, and she dealt with the nerves by getting “cheeky” with the judges. Oh dear, I forgot about the groin swivel.

This should be the album cover.

Then Simon gave her that same look he gave Fantasia when she showed up back on American Idol cracked out and dressed like Ronald McDonald to sing some super crappy song off of her second album fail.

Shots of the audience rolling their eyes in disgust as she tells the judges she wants to be a professional singer.

How’s that glass house workin out for ya, fuggles?

Simon tells us that he heard the disgust in the audience behind him and knew that they were out for blood. Piers says he couldn’t believe that this woman was so delusional as to think she could be Elaine Paige. The audience went nuts for her, and the judges all got tingles. Both because her voice was stellar, and also because it was a rare instant where the cynical judgmental nastiness the world’s citizens have taken on as passable personalities was tuned on its ass for three minutes. That was a great moment. I cried. Then ate a lot. Then watched it again. Kinda cried again. Then ate more. I can’t explain it, but that moment both inspired me and made me gain a shit load of weight. For those of you who missed it, here’s the YouTube clip of it.

Back to the studio. Susan comes out to sing her first song and holy makeover. She looks less like a chunky Donny Osmand now and more like a thinner Rosie. Trying to poop after a week of being constipated.

Koosh balls for everyone!

The song is about how it’s her turn to fly and she’s now who she was born to be. I’m a star now so I can finally be happy!! Sounds about right to me. I will suffer from manic depression until I book a commercial.
Piers tells her what an amazing job she’s done and how gorgeous she is. That’s a long way from the look he gave her when he first laid eyes on her, two faced sherbet bastard!!

Did you guys know that Susan sold more than 4.5 million albums in two weeks? HOLY MOLY!! Meemaws across the world must be pissing themselves right now. I Dreamed a Dream is their All the Single Ladies.
So Susan, how does it feel living the DREAM? Why, bloody fantastic! She tells Piers about how she’s getting banged by lots of dudes under fifty these days with all their teeth and she’s never been so horny in her life. OK she doesn’t, but you know she wanted to.

Hey, these are the same symptoms dudes show while dating me! No fair!

Simon and Piers tell us how the internet went crazy when Susan sang. And now she’s everywhere! People! Star! Enquirer! Entertainment Weekly! Dog Fancy! The pressure was too much to take, and that’s when the cracks started to show. Susan went on stage in the semis and kinda lost it. She didn’t barf or pull out her hair or anything, she just didn’t hit all the notes. Simon or Piers don’t mention the time that Susan reportedly gave the TV the finger, cursed it out and stormed out of the hotel bar after hearing Piers tell the twelve year old Iranian kid that he was the best in the semi finals, or the time she told the police to fuck off and suck her dick, or the time she cursed out two strangers on the street. That’s kinda why I’m her fan, so I’m annoyed that they left all that out. Who else is gonna tell this cute talented kid to go run into traffic?

He deserved it!

Susan doesn’t mention any of that either, and it’s disappointing. She just says that at the time, she felt very suffocated. I blame the dress.

Who wouldn’t feel suffocated? You’re literally suffocating.

There was pressure everywhere! Piers went on a morning talk show and said “If Susan Boyle doesn’t win, I’m a donut.” And if she does, you’re a dough boy. Either way, there will be dough. Mmmmm. Caaaaarbs! Simon went to her dressing room before the finale and told her that she could quit if she wants and since she’s the red hot favorite she could maybe not win. Uh…thanks for the pep talk? She went out and gave it her all, and she looked really relaxed by the time announcing the winner came around:

And the winner is….NOT SUSAN!! Oh shit I forgot that. I totally thought she won. In a way she did. When do you think the next time is that we’ll see these dorks?

Simon says that when he looked at Susan after the winner was announced, he saw a look of “now no one will want me” on her face. That’s not the look I see.

At least I beat the little Iranian brat.

Susan tells us that she doesn’t remember the days after her loss. So the gaps are filled in with tabloid titles: Susan Axe Threat! Boyling: Susan is Hiding! Susan’s Collapse! Why Boyle’s in Rehab!

These flowers are SUFFOCATING MEEEEE!

Simon says that watching her breakdown in the weeks after the show made him rethink what he was doing with himself. Sure, he’s a hit producer, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel things! And by feel things, I mean he saw a way to make a quadrillion dollars off her crazy ass. He told her to wipe her tears and get her buns into the studio so he could record her album. The only thing she had to do was promise to either stand behind a really big ficus in her photo shoot, wear a paper bag over her head, or cup 1/2 her face with her hands.

C

Elaine Paige comes up on the screen and holy Rod Stewart!

I have crabs.

She was honored that Susan wanted to be as famous as her. So honored that she’s here tonight to sing a duet! I have my fingers crossed for Forever Young. NOPE! I Know Him So Well from Chess. LOVE THIS SONG! Have you guys seen Chess? They showed it on PBS, but it starred Josh Grobin so I had to turn it off. That is definitely a face for radio.
Elaine Paige can still sing her balls off, and Susan kicks ass too. Susan has a little problem with rhythm, but she’s whiter than zit puss, so it’s forgivable. Actually, it’s a huge problem. Dang girl count!! It might be that she’s singing with Rod Stewart. Anyone would be scared. That they would be infected with something.

AW! Wait…I itch.

Back to the bio part. After Susan got off the floor and dropped the bottle and got a prescription for lithium, she started to get better. Simon was excited about making a record, and Susan took to it. Simon says that Susan Boyle was definitely right to DREAM A DREAM!! He says he’s ashamed of himself for how judgmental he was before he heard her sing. Not that he’s gonna change that shit, cuz his shitty judgmental attitude has bought him many houses and women.

Montage of Susan’s fairy tale instafame in America with millions of fans. I could go into detail, but it’s basically a lot of this:

Susan was even surprised by a visit from her idol, Donny Osmand!! They sang together in her hotel room and then made out. It’s gross and touching. Now Susan is gonna sing Cry Me a River! Funny, cuz that’s what I was humming as I wrote about her “disability”. She handles this one really well, as she does. She even stays on the beat! Honestly, it’s a little lifeless and boring for me, but it might be because I had a valium and a glass of wine for dinner. It’s called a diet, ok? She has a new hairstyle, and no longer looks like a chunky unkept Donnie Osmand or a thinner constipated Rosie O’Donnell. She’s moved on to a pensive, clean cut Jack Black.

Piers asks what she wants to do now that she’s famous. She says she wants to snort the Himalayas and shoot hookers for fun. Also, she thanks the fans for all the support. Piers presents her with a Triple Platinum Record!! She cries like he just complimented a child.

And then she sobs. Now I’m getting teary. Wait a second. I don’t see tears! But she’s trying, God bless her.

This is Jordan Spanx crying if I ever saw it. Squeeeeeeze!

The last segment is about how how Susan Boyle is living…wait for it…HER DREAM! Susan’s on a plane! Susan’s at a photoshoot! Susan’s swallowing a Little Caesar’s Five Dollar Pepperoni Pie whole! Sorry. My dream. This segment is touching, until the moment Cameron Mackintosh, the giant Broadway producer, says that no single artist has owned I Dreamed a Dream until Susan. If Cameron Macintosh is found murdered this week, my first guess would be that Patti LuPone did it. And no jury would convict her.

And now for the big finale!! Susan sings Tomorrow from Annie. Or I Dreamed a Dream. With the London Cast of Les Miz! Holy crap that’s cheezy and awesome. Someone’s getting laid tonight. No, not Susan. This guy.

HAWT

The cast does a big number, which is kinda weird, but I suspect Cameron’s paying for this show so give him a little room. The cast clears the stage and Susan comes out looking like she’s gonna kick their asses each individually.

Before


During

After

She sings her little heart out, and I wasn’t sick of this song before this show but I never ever want to hear it again. Good lord make it stop. All in all, a pretty good show! It filled me with hope. Sure I’m in my thirties and I’m chunky and pasty. Those aren’t reasons I can’t one day play the lead in the revival of Miss Saigon. Lea Salonga, eat my dust!!
Thanks for reading you guys, and remember this Christmas season that being a loser is temporary. Sometimes. LOVE