TVgasm’s Fall Preview and Predictions

Every year we get together here at TVgasm and predict which new Fall shows will last through the season and which will tank. It’s mostly just an excuse to rag on TV we haven’t seen yet and to hang out together. Join us, won’t you?

MONDAYS

Trauma (NBC)

Tiny Elvis: Trailer-based prediction: pulled mid-season. Medium and Numbers are still on the air prediction: we get a few years out of this crap.
The Miki: I had no idea stuff in San Francisco exploded so often. Is the whole city made of c4? Are you guys just covered in shrapnel all the time? Is it because God is angry about all the gays?
bBitz: What friggin’ city is on fire or exploding every 5 seconds?! I mean, I saw lots of flamers when I visited San Francisco – but none of them big enough to take down a helicopter. At first I thought it was a comedy, but then I realized I was laughing because I’m a sick, sick person. It’s ER on steroids. FAIL.
Flipit: Third Watch without Eddie Cibrian shirtless. Boo. Is that Enya playing in the preview? Puhleeze. Guess what I don’t wanna see EMTs do? CRY. Man up and get me to the hospital, wuss!
PottyMouth: Spunky Blonde paramedic with a never quit attitude? Check. Paramedic with a death wish? Check. Pen jabbed into someone’s neck to save their life? Give it time. Zzzzzzz….It will probably run for eight seasons.
Cherie: It kinda grabbed me when it turned from lame ass hospital show to a Die Hard movie. I say it’s a hit.
Moorels: Anastasia Griffith looks so much like Jodie Foster I would write her a bunch of letters if I were planning to assassinate the president. Two seasons.
WaffleBoy: For all the explosions and blood it looks kind of lame. Might make it to the end of the season, but probably not.
TVgasm Predicts: 60% chance of survival.
Accidentally on Purpose (CBS)

Monamonzano: Jenna Elfman’s rubbery face re-emerges. Yikes.

Flipit: Knocked up without the talented people. Whoever keeps putting this woman on TV, please stop. Scientology works. WE GET IT.

WaffleBoy: Oh fuck me, is Jenna Elfman is reproducing? If there is a God it gets cancelled mid-season.

Moorels: This TV show about empowered female friends living in a city and having lots of sex seems REALLY original. Canceled.
PottyMouth: Didn’t you know all women in their thirties want a baby, even if they didn’t know they did? Blarf. Cancelled mid season. PLEASE.

The Miki: You see Christian extremists? If there weren’t such a stigma attached to abortions we wouldn’t have to put up with this show for three or four episodes before it gets cancelled.

TVgasm Predicts: 0% chance of being good, 35% chance of survival.

The Jay Leno Show (NBC)

PottyMouth: I give it a month tops.

TheMiki: By what stretch of the imagination is Jay Leno doing sketches from the last fifteen years of The Tonight Show a “New comedy”?

Cherie: I think it’s gonna be a hit, or not. Don’t really give a shit either way.

Moorels: I’ve always been on Team Letterman, and I’ll always be on Team Letterman. Forty seasons.
WaffleBoy: I liked the working title for this show “Fuck that Conan O’Brien Sideways!” a lot better. Too bad it didn’t test well. The only way this show doesn’t at least a season is if they give Jay back The Tonight Show after he completely submarines it.

Flipit: Americans are idiots! Nice premise, Jay, but we’ve got VH1 for that. Thanks for freeing up five hours of my week, you cheap bastards at NBC.
TVgasm Predicts: 70% chance of survival.
TUESDAY

V (ABC)

Flipit: Aliens are out to destroy the world. After watching the Dharma and Jay Leno previews, I’m kinda on their side.
WaffleBoy: I’m calling shenanigans on this one. How do you have a show about evil aliens without Lou Dobbs? Still it looks kind of cool and is on ABC, it has a chance at running multiple seasons if it’s halfway decent.
Moorels: Poor Juliet! Apparently the bomb from the Lost finale blows you
to a significantly worse sci-fi show. I kind of have a feeling I’ll watch
it. One season.
TVgasm Predicts: 75% chance of success.
NCIS Los Angeles (CBS)

Monamonzano: Some white washed-up actor meets a black washed-up actor and a hot chick to solve crime? Revolutionary.

Cherie: Cherie-Oh Dear Sweet Jesus when will it end? My Mom makes me watch the other one with her every week. This just means more “quality time”. Kill me.

bBitz: Chris O’Donnell ate a ham and then they sprayed him down with tanner. But it’s got LL Cool J so… just kidding. FAIL.
Moorels: My parents are STOKED for this, and the last time that happened was Geena Davis’s Commander In Chief. But the letters ‘C’, ‘S’, and ‘I’ are all there. Seven seasons.

Flipit: I have a roll of paper towels in my kitchen with more charisma than Chris O’Donnell. Just give the old people what they want and bring “Murder, She Wrote” back already.
WaffleBoy: Navy cops stuck on the I-10? What’s not to love? What? It’s not about that? Navy cops watching TV? That could work too. It’s on CBS, do they cancel cop shows?
TVgasm Predicts: 80% chance of survival.
Melrose Place (CW)

TheMiki: Was that Ashley Simpson? Seriously, I’m too lazy to look up a cast list. Someone please tell me that wasn’t Ashley Simpson.

Monamonzano: Thanks, CW, for giving jobs to leatherfaced has-beens and soon-to-be leather faced has-beens. In other news, Pete Wentz let Ashlee out of their Beverly Hills Basement.

Flipit: I got so excited to see Syd back on the air!! Then they killed her. BASTARDS!! I will watch this on FF, if only to see how they bring her crazy ass back to life. This show kinda sucks, but then again so did the original and I watched every second of it.
PottyMouth: This would only be worth watching if they brought back Kimberly and the wig of madness.

WaffleBoy: I would have cancelled this after the trailer.

Moorels: It’s just a matter of time before every show on CW melds into one giant montage of attractive rich people. And Tyra Banks. No one will remember to cancel it. Three seasons.
TVgasm Predicts: 90% chance of survival. It’s the CW.
The Forgotten (ABC)

Cherie: I already have.

TinyElvis: I could have done without the dead-girl voice over but this is CSI meets SVU meets the Ghost Whisperer and the fifty plus crowd lives for this shit. Full season and renewal.

TheMiki: Quick! Everyone tattoo their name and social security number on their bodies so you’ll never get stuck having to wander around doing poorly scripted narrations for Jerry Bruckheimer!

Moorels: It’s like CSI, for people sick of playing along with the weight distributions of footprints and gravitational blood droplets.

Flipit: So it’s like Cold Case without the bad wigs and makeup. That’s the best part! NO.
WaffleBoy: I’m pulling for this one, because lord knows that little Jerry Bruckhiemer needs to catch a break. I could see this one going on hiatus really quick.

TVgasm Predicts: 40% chance of survival.
The Good Wife (CBS)

WaffleBoy: A disgraced politician’s wife has to go on with her life. Which episode does she go to Central America to do a lame reality show and hook up with John Salley? Mid-season cancellation.

Flipit: Oh wah poor wife. If this douche worked at a 7-11 her ass would have been outta there years ago.
Monamonzano: No more pubies, Juilianna! It’s amazing how far we’ve come in hair-straightening technology.

Cherie: I could just watch the freakin’ news for this crap. Now if they show her run him over repeatedly with her car, I could get behind that.

bBitz: The story of Rob Blagoya-whatever’s wife pretty much. It’s too bad he’s real wife got fucked into that shitty reality show instead of being a consultant on this one. But it’s got the cute guy from “Don’t Tell Mom the Baby Sitter’s Dead”! If he drives the clown truck into the first scene I’m totally in! PASS!


TheMiki: Middle-aged women are the new black.

TVgasm Predicts: 25% chance of survival.

Wednesdays

Hank (ABC)

Moorels: Much like a child’s birthday party, I feel like we should all just watch it to make Kelsey Grammar happy. “Very funny, Kelsey!” we’ll all exclaim. Canceled.
WaffleBoy: Okay ABC executives, here’s a little rule everyone in programming needs to keep in mind. Oxy in the morning + tequila at lunch = losing your job for greenlighting Hank.

Flipit: I would have watched this preview, but my face was in my palms and tears were streaming down my cheeks and I was praying for the world to end. This made the Jay Leno preview look funny, and that’s quite a feat.

TVgasm Predicts: 5% chance of survival.

The Middle (ABC)

PottyMouth: Set in bum fuck Indiana, family with three kids, a dad and a wacky mom who colors her roots with marker and dresses up as superwoman. The trailer was the longest three minutes of my life, which means it will probably run for at least five seasons.

Flipit: Patricia Heaton and Frasier both back with the exact same show the season after their last suck ass sitcom failed miserably. Now instead of ignoring one show, we get to ignore two. Thanks, guys!
bBitz: It’s “Everybody Loves Raymond: 2″ with the janitor from “Scrubs” replacing Raymond. BUT, I did laugh several times during the preview at the reincarnation of the kid from “Malcolm in the Middle”. Middle! I get it! Full circle! PASS!
TinyElvis: Sitcom awesomeness. They were able to get six years out of “Malcolm in the Middle” — which this looks a lot like — so I’m hoping we get the same out of this one.

Cherie: Tried to give it a shot. Until it started to feel like getting a shot.

TVgasm Predicts: 60% chance of survival.

Modern Family (ABC)

PottyMouth: I love how happy the dad looks as he’s about to shoot his son with a bb gun. That’s real life right there. Not that I would know. At least one season.

Moorels: Not even my love of Julie Bowen can mask ABC production of television like it’s a tedious, tedious chore. At least it looks comforting in it’s predictability. One season.
WaffleBoy: Wow 3 annoying families on the same show. It’s like three bad sitcoms for the price of one, and they’re showing it on the same night as The Middle and Hank, so it’s like 5 bad sitcoms instead of 3.

Cougar Town (ABC)

Flipit: Courntey Cox: “Lately I feel like I’m gonna shrivel up and die.” I got news for ya sister. You are. Now settle in for some NCIS Los Angeles in your mansion and STFU.
Monamonzano: Wait, when did old women becoming caricatures of their younger, vapid selves become sexy enough to warrant a sitcom?
WaffleBoy: What does ABC have against Wednesday night? Seriously ABC, what did Wednesdays ever do to you? Mid-season Cancellation.

bBitz: I’ll tune in to see if any of them break a hip. PASS.
Moorels: Between this and the Good Wife, the fall lineup should come with a degree in Women’s Studies. Canceled OR on forever.
Cherie: I refuse to watch an anorexic aging bitch whine about having a wrinkle on her elbow when she’s had as much work done as The Statue of Liberty.

TVgasm Predicts: 65%

Eastwick (ABC)

Moorels: I know that Charmed was widely considered the pinnacle of modern television, but we all need to grieve and move on. Five seasons.
Flipit: Women against evil men. You don’t need magic. You need a taser. Oh wait the redhead just electrocuted someone. Atta girl! I will watch, just to see how big Rebecca Romjin’s lips get.

TinyElvis: Since everything Lindsay Price touches turns to network gold . . . this won’t finish out the season.
bBitz: Sometimes when a movie becomes a TV show it takes on a whole other form and recreates itself with talent, creativity and spark – this isn’t it. I got bored halfway through the 3 minute preview. And the main guy isn’t even hot. TRAGEDY! FAIL.
WaffleBoy: Did you ever watch the Witches of Eastwick and think man if only it was more like Desperate Housewives? No? Could you forward your resume to ABC they are going to be hiring real soon. Mid-season cancellation.

Monamonzano: Like the movie, only less sexy and with shittier actors. And, music. And, a lower budget. And, worse writing. Jack Nicholson will be rolling in his grave. Wait, what?

TVgasm Predicts: 25% chance of survival.
Glee (FOX)

WaffleBoy: Responsible adults don’t let kids sing Journey songs. Still this was the best looking trailer out of the bunch really hope it makes it.

Moorels: The buzz from my friends is very good, but they all laugh at my Big Brother addiction. So, you tell me. Three seasons.
PottyMouth: They had me at spray on grass and Journey. Ryan Murphy + high school angst = ?? Awesome??! I love it so it will probably get cancelled after one season.

Monamonzano: This is supposed to be good, but I’m not supposed to get within ten feet of any underaged individual, televised or not.

TinyElvis: At this risk of losing all credibility — OMFG!! I can’t even stop watching the trailer. Pure genius. I want this show made into a movie and a musical. I want spin-offs. I want to wear a T-shirt that says “I heart Glee”. I want complete network domination.

TheMiki: I’m not making fun of this show. I love this show.

Flipit: I pray that this show paves the way for Cop Rock to come back.

TVgasm Predicts: 95% chance of survival.

Mercy (NBC)

TheMiki: You know what we need really bad in primetime? A human interest drama about a really pretty nurse who seems tough on the outside but really has a soft and loving interior. I bet everyone would watch it cause it’s totally never been done before.

Monamonzano: Nurses who can do stuff? Impossible.

WaffleBoy: Maybe we could have affordable healthcare in this country if the doctors and nurses weren’t constantly doing the humpty dance in the supply closet. People willingly watch Grey’s Anatomy, they may watch this.

Moorels: Maverick nurses! If only they also fought crime by night (armed with an arsenal of health care puns) I would be sold. Canceled.
Flipit: I want to see this nurse kick Jada Pinkett Smith’s ass while Edie Falco snorts Oxy in a corner. The writers should have stayed on strike. At least they had an excuse back then.
TVgasm Predicts: 20% chance of survival.
The Beautiful Life (CW)

WaffleBoy: Because everyone has looked at models and thought, man if only they would talk more. The CW really seems to have issues about having people watch their shows. Is it possible for a network to be in to cutting?

Monamonzano: Mischa Barton doing what she does best: pouting and drugs.

Flipit: I would say “eat something”, but that would lead to a longer life.

Moorels: Something tells me that the CW audience doesn’t need to be reminded that they AREN’T runway models anymore than they already are in everyday life. Canceled.
bBitz: I was mildly interested in this scripted “Project Runway” until Mischa Barton reared her bobble head. I met her in person once. My soul is steal healing from the contact burns. FAIL.
THURSDAYS
TVgasm Predicts: 25% chance of survival.
The Forgotten (ABC)

WaffleBoy: Everyone in the world passes out and at the same time and has a vision of their future. If mine is me watching the Hank trailer again then I am so calling bullshit.

TheMiki: Remember when Lost was a really good show? Well this might be one too, but don’t worry, they’ll get you hooked for a season and then fire all the writers and replace them with a remedial high school English class. Just like they did with Heroes.

PottyMouth: I swear I saw a kangaroo hopping around in this preview. WTF?

Moorels: Between this and V, ABC REALLY wants another Lost. But I won’t lie, this looks really cool in the dorky sci-fi way that I love. So, naturally, canceled.
TVgasm Predicts: 65% chance.
Community (NBC)

WaffleBoy: Finally Joel McHale gets to show off those acting chops.You just know Tony Danza already has this one on Tivo. I was kind of excited about this show until I saw this trailer. I see an early trip to hiatus land for this one and then NBC programmers pulling an Old Yeller on it at the end of the season.

PottyMouth: I will watch anything with Joel McHale in it. Ass Burger. LMFAO.

TinyElvis: I may be a little biased since Joel McHale is my boyfriend and we’re going to make adorable, snarky babies and live happily ever after but I peed myself watching the trailer. Twice. And old people love Chevy Chase so this show should be around for awhile.

Cherie: Joel McHale is in it and that’s good enough for me. It will be the runaway hit of the season!

TVgasm Predicts: 90% chance of survival.

The Vampire Diaries (CW)

Flipit: I actually watched this one. Well, like fifteen minutes of it. I have to say, it accomplished something amazing. It made Twilight look original, well thought out, and decently acted. THIS SHOW BLOOOOOOWS. But most of us are too poor to pay for HBO, so this will last.

TinyElvis: Somebody wake me when we’re done with all of this vampire shit. I hate to admit it but we’ll see this show for a few seasons. And open note to Ian Somerhalder: Call me.

Cherie: SICK SICK SICK TO DEATH OF BLOOD SUCKING ASSHOLES. And vampires.

Monamonzano: Hey, that bitch was on Degrassi. Sold!

Moorels: Why are there no horror movies about vampires that attack network executives and force them to make an endless stream of movies and shows about vampires? Because they don’t want you to even consider it. Twenty seasons.

TVgasm Predicts: 40% chance of survival.

FRIDAYS

Brothers (FOX)

Monamonzano: Two brothers, one unexplained wheelchair.

WaffleBoy: I’m super excited about this one, because the one thing I was thinking in Super Bowl XX L II was, man Michael Strahan needs a sitcom. It’s on Friday night, it’s already dead in the water. Mid-season cancellation.

Moorels: I was skeptical at first, but handicap humor has been missing from primetime TV for quite some time. Canceled.
PottyMouth: I have to admit, the mom stabbing her paraplegic son in the leg with a fork cracked me up. Other than that, it looks like a steaming pile of dogshit.

Miki: Do any other crackers wonder if maybe no one on earth thinks Tyler Perry is funny and it’s all just a big prank that black people are playing on us to make us feel like we don’t “get” their humor?

Flipit: I DO! I’m so happy to hear someone say that out loud. Tyler Perry must be stopped.

TVgasm Predicts: 45% chance.

SUNDAYS

Three Rivers (CBS)

TinyElvis: It’s “House” without the anti-social, drug-addicted male lead and in a city even less interesting than Princeton. Someone doesn’t feel well. What could be wrong? He needs a transplant to survive. There isn’t enough time. There is enough time. There’s a complication. Adorable transplant doctor to the rescue. Everyone lives happily ever after.

PottyMouth: Why do I have a feeling that this show is going to hammer home the nobility of organ donation each and every week? I am not noble; I am a selfish bitch. And no, I am not crying.

TheMiki: Yeah, I’m sorry, Shane from the L-Word showed up on my monitor all dressed up in her hot little scrubs and I started licking my computer and missed the entire preview.

Monamonzano: I keep seeing this billboard and want to bone the hunky, vaguely Asian-looking dude. So yeah, I guess I’ll be watching.

bBitz: It’s “Mercy” with hotter guys and uglier girls. So basically, if you’re a lesbian – watch “Mercy”. Everyone else? Right this way. FAIL.
Moorels: Oh, good, I was worried we wouldn’t have the required 75% medical shows on TV this season. I’m going to write a show about vampires in a hospital, and it’s going to star Courtney Cox. I’ll make millions. Canceled.
TVgasm Predicts: 55% chance.
The Cleveland Show (FOX)

WaffleBoy: The best thing about this show? Talking bears. The worst thing? Hello, talking bears. I think Seth MacFarlane has pictures of Rupert Murdoch getting shtupped by farm animals. This one could run forever, God help us all.

Moorels: This is going to do tremendous ratings, which will be shocking because no one will ever admit to watching it. Three seasons.

PottyMouth: They should have just called it Black Family Guy. Knowing Fox, this will probably still be on twenty years from now.

All in all, a pretty lackluster season coming up. At least we’ll have Jay for five hours a week. Thanks for joining us for another season! If you wanna see how are predictions turned out for last year, click here.