Project Runway: The Tackie Challenge

Tonight on Project Runway, one witch is out and another returns.

I’ll give you a hint, this is the one that doesn’t get aufed.

Schneeweiss and Unruh present Project Those Aren’t Really Namesway

I’ve never noticed the beds before. Cute. Vertical stripes. No bed on this show’s gonna look fat. Even the lamp’s sucking it in. Minnesota tells us with his Leave it to Beaver earnestness that after Kors commented that his model looked like she was tied into a Hefty sack last week, he decided that this time he’s gonna really go out there today and give them something BIG, Wally! Yeah, yeah heard it before buddy. Don’t believe ya. But you know what? It’s extremely entertaining watching you try, so slug on, lil’ slugga!

I have to take a moment to say that Elvis? Elvis is a very, very pretty girl and making fun of her sideburns isn’t right. I publicly apologize. Also? She’s got GIANT balls.

I think Epperson was doing yoga at the start of last week. You know. When he got kicked off. Bad sign.

Point is, I am really starting to do some soul searching about the nastiness that comes out of my mouth (er, fingers) and Elvis has been nothing but sweet and nice yet I still feel the need to call her Elvis. My positive life changing revelation is immediately stomped to death when we cut to this flashback shot.

I was going to be a good person and then you wore that Peter Pan hat and talked like you were five. I’m DONE.

Carol Hannah puts herself right in the middle of the race. The slow steady horse wins the race, she says, looking up at her brain scanning for evidence of that statement’s validity. The slow horse gets turned into glue, sugar.
Fat Slut Heidi comes out on the runway with her Cylon ass to deliver her five lines looking f ing stunning. I press pause to stare at her while I knead my dough-like belly fat and cry softly.

It’s time to take the competition to da nexx, lllllu-uhvel. It’s cute how she says that word the exact same, f’ed up way every single time. It’s like she learned it from a warped Rosetta Stone tape that played really slow.

Phooooooonics

The hints are something about shining and upstaging. After warning that there will be no more immunity this season, Heidi sends the designers off to meet Tim at the showroom of….

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s Bob Mackie!! WOWEEE!! Score, PR! Mackie is known for making dresses that can be worn by huge Hollywood stars or drag queens and look good either way. He’s a legend and a stah and you know who he is even if you don’t think you do.

He’s dressed every gay icon who ever lived. Barbra, Cher, Bette, Liza, Judy…I could go on but really why? All we need to know is that today is about SEQUINS and it’s a chance for all hell to break loose on set. I mean come on, this is the goal:

Extravagant stage look is the task at hand. Mackie says that this isn’t about fashion, it’s about the stage. WOOHOO! Straight Guy looks like he might throw up, but Feather Duster is so excited about the thrill of aaacting that he does his best impression of Juliette Lewis in The Other Sister.

I can’t, Mother! I can’t paint! I can’t ride a horse and I can’t dance! But I can love!

But wait! There’s more! This isn’t any random gay icon challenge, they have to design for a specific gay icon. I’ve got my fingers crossed for Barbra just cuz I am interested to see some new takes on the sequined muumuu, but Christina will do! Feather Duster is so thrilled he looks like he’s about to swallow Tim whole.

Straight Guy is a bit happier now that he knows the gay icon is at least hot, and everyone jumps around like kids at Christmas. Well, except for Gordana Littlecaesarshausen. She’s been called boring about twenty times so far, so I can understand her apprehension about the least boring challenge of all time. Well, except for the actual drag queen challenge. My heart still gets warm when I think of Hedda Lettuce raking Pleather across the coals.

You ees makeen joke?

And you guys, how sweet is Bob Mackie? He looks amazing and he’s the nicest cutest most talented old guy in the world and rich as a Rockafeller. I’m calling it now: he’s the father of Padma’s baby. They get two days and three hundred bucks for this challenge. Minnesota doesn’t need much money, cuz his plan for the moment is to just cover Christina’s head in a dry cleaning bag and let nature take it’s course. First guest judge murder?

Can’t. Breathe.

Elvis doesn’t really know what the hell she’s gonna do, so she’ll wait for the fabric to speak to her. I’ll bet it tells her to shave. Feather Duster just got a red light for crystals, bangles, beads and yes, feathers. He’s leaving a trail of excited pee wherever he goes. He’s a little grossed out over at Mood that everyone’s picking pre sequined fabric to work with, cuz Mackie takes all different kinds of fabrics and makes his own patterns, which is what Feather does too! Yeah, but come on. You’re no Mackie. You’ve barely risen to Angela status. It’s shocking, SHOCKING what he buys.

Everyone’s so excited that people are forgetting to be mean. Oh wait never mind. Irina picks up the slack. She tells us that it’s obvious who knows what they’re doing and who doesn’t. Cut to Elvis whining that she chose prom dress fabric. We get a look at Minnesota’s sketch. I was kidding about him trying to kill Christina, but now I’m getting worried.

There’s gonna be security on the Runway, right?

This is only a sketch, but skulls? Really? RIP OFF!! Man he’s lame. Irina laughs to us about the “crappy Halloween fabric” Carol Hannah bought, and as much as I like to disagree with her, I can’t on this one.

Then again, it’s a Bob Mackie Challenge so it’s hard to tell where the tacky bar is set.

Carol Hannah is a bit skerd and tells us about five hundred times that she never does anything this wacky. Straight Guy tries to tell her that her work is too simple, but she declines his advice and puts the jacket he’s making on and charges at Minnesota looking like the thing he’s most afraid of.

A Beaver

As the day wears on, stress starts to take hold of Gordana Papajohnshausen because her beads are falling all over the place and she’s set out on too ambitious of a design. She’s frayzzle and strayzed and is about to lose her shit. I need to stop for a second and address some concerns that I’m suggesting Gordy’s fat when I talk about her thick knees. I LOVE that Gordana is not a twig and LOVE her thick dimpled knees. I am kind of obsessed with her for being fortysomething, fabulous, thick and gorge all at the same time and I’m rooting for her. So while I’m happy that she’s in a tennis skirt today, I’m disappointed that she leaves the workroom to take a Chris March.

When we come back from break, it’s a new day and she’s still falling all over furniture.

She tells Carol Hannah that she’s hating her work so she’s going to start all over today and work like “Speedy Gozalez”. Wow her Spanish is better than her English. At the workroom, Feather Duster says that his only problem is with the top, because he knows Christina likes to show off the girls. HA. And yes that is a problem cuz the top goes all the way up her chest as it is now. The rest looks like the same dress he won with on that movie challenge but, admittedly, less fug.

Elvis isn’t using her red prom dress fabric today. Instead, she’s making a bizarre funeral looking thing with giant white sluggy vajay’s coming up the bottom. There’s no shine or glitter to this, but Christina could very well jump at the chance to showcase this many girl privates in one dress.

Please tell that dress to cover up its silver clitorises. There are gay children watching!

Elvis seems super depressed today, and it’s probably because it’s her second clueless week in a row. Carol Hannah even comments how not good it is, and she’s not exactly excelling either at the moment. Tim comes in to check on progress and starts with Minnesota. MN is wearing his sideways cap, which Tim needs to smack right off his head. He doesn’t smack down the cap. Instead, he just does a general smack down and starts with “well here’s my general disappointment.” LOL. MN has created a rip away, but it’s too prim and proper. Tim advises him to make it “super slut or something.” That should be the title of Xtina’s new album.

Tim adds that this outfit is a 1999 ice skating outfit. MN nods eagerly with blank eyes as usual, wondering whether or not that was a compliment.

Yay ice skating in the nineties!! It’s gonna be BIIIG!

Minnesota’s hat gets more and more ridiculous with each shot. Now he looks like he’s wearing a baby bonnet.

Althea, too, is doing a rip away concept, but hers is with a big fur coat. Tim says that she and MN bot have the idea of having Xtina enter in a “big pumpkin and pop out!” and then moves on. HAHAH. Althea is now looking at her dress like she just saw someone get run over.

Feather Duster, of course, doubles over laughing. I kinda like him, and it makes no sense. Tim moves on to Gordana Phuthausen and warns her that her dress looks matronly. But a boob is allowed to hang out and it’s Christina, so if she keeps it like that she’ll probs win.

X might buy it anyway so she’ll have something to wear to her child’s future wedding.

Gordy is freaking now. She has immunity, but she “steel want to saynd someting nize down da runway! I’m a designer! Dees eez Gordana Chuckecheesehausen being represented!” She comes up with a plan to win Mackie over.

Tim’s with Feather Duster now, and he calls him out on making the same dress as his winning movie look. Feather Duster does not double over in laughter. The only thing Tim likes is Carol Hannah’s boring ass black sequined dress. Not costume-y or new or inventive at all. Maybe he just thought he should say at least one supportive thing this episode? I don’t know what’s going on with Tim this season, but he’s had a lot of misses. I blame all the LA sun and whatever’s in the pink air here. It makes everyone f ing insane. Anyway, he says he can see this “being very Xtina!” No. You were more on the mark with super slut or something.

Next up is Elvis. Tim tells her that her work sucks from head to toe and looks like a student did it. Irina takes time out of her busy day to concur. She thinks Elvis is untalented, bargain basement-y, and shouldn’t even be called a designer. Then a Klieg light falls on her head and kills her.
MN describes Tim as a tornado. Everything’s calm and peaceful, but once Tim has come and gone sequins and baubles and shit are flying all over the room because everyone has realized just how badly they’re tanking. Elvis is at a sewing machine with red fabric, but MN talks her out of scrapping her work and suggests she stand behind it. OK it might be wise to listen to Tim over Hackesota, but whatevs. A lightbulb goes off and she runs to her dress form with black sequined fabric and it looks like she’s about to pull off something brilliant. But she just stops like a deer in the headlights and stares at the multiple vaginas she’s created.

I should really get you guys checked out.

I can’t remember what other dress was covered in vaginas this season, but I remember typing that before. Do they really look like vaginas or is this show just so gay that I’m starting to see vaginas everywhere? Models come in for fittings. Gordana Shakeyshausen apologizes to her girl after using the word “stupid”. LOL. Elvis does positive affirmations out loud as her model tries on her even fuglier dress, and Irina tells her model she doesn’t have to do anything cuz the dress is already gorgeous enough. Then a little midget with a sword flies in and beheads her.
Now for the love. You know cuz porn music is playing. Straight Guy is sleeveless today and Carol Hannah can’t stop staring at his guns. She can’t concentrate. He likes her too, for her Southern witticisms. Montage of Southern witticisms that aren’t Southern or witty or sayings or anything. Just random sentences. I’m gonna look like my mother when I’m fifty, If I don’t get more feathers on this thing I’m gonna die, I’m running out of time. Yes, she is one fascinating personality that one. At least he makes an effort to pretend he’s into her mind. She doesn’t even try to act like her crush has anything to do with his personality. He works out. The end.

The more you really get to know someone the more annoyed you will be with them. Muscles? Never get annoying.

As day two wears on, people start losing their shit. And when I say people, I mean Gordana Dominoshausen. She is pointing at her MOB dress and laughing and making fun of it.

LOL.

How can you not root for her ? She needs to just turn that thing into a thong bikini and win this shit once and for all. Gordy continues down that slippery slope to manic depression, giggling wildly at nothing and covering her head in material. Then she pulls out a lipstick and starts smearing it all over her face and insisting her toddler is flying around the world in a balloon she made in her back yard.
More Elvis talking about how much she’s sucking. Anyone wanna argue that point? No? Moving on. Feather Duster is really excited about his own feather job, cooing “ooh it’s just like NY!!” I don’t know what that means, but I hope a homeless guy comes in and blows a snot rocket at him. That happened to me one time in NY and I still don’t feel sanitized.
Models come in for fittings. Most people use this time to, you know, fit their models. Irina uses the time to tell her model how much she hates “the little blonde”, Carol Hannah, because “if you’re gonna be so mediocre, at least have a good personality.” Dayum! Then a bus drives into the workroom and splatters her all over the GLAD accessories wall.

You bastards!

Feather Duster puts it perfectly. “Irina’s a really good designer. The only problem with her is that she’s a bitch.” He’s a bitch too, but he’s polite enough to be mean behind people’s back. As Kathy Griffen famously said, “it’s called manners!” Minnesota has made another fug space quincenera jacket dress thing, and his model jokes that one of the buttons might pop off and hit Xtina in the eye, which would be amazing. MN gushes over his own work, saying “you can’t ask for anything more!” He forgets to add the “from me.”
Time for the show!! Nina’s back! And she’s conditioned her hair!!

Kors is out, but we still have Mackie and Xtina, who looks like a night light.

I’m seeing spots staring at this pic.

Althea’s out first. Her dress is silver and gold and very very shiny and feathery. The vest is pretty cool for a really gay camping trip, and the dress is extremely shiny and well made. It’s something Shirley Bassey would wear to bed and you know Mackie loves Bassey so I’m interested to see what he has to say.

Straight Guy’s gone with a modernized Flinstone theme. His model looks like she’s about to visit one of the many waxing shops in my neighborhood, Little Armenia.

Elvis wins the most improved prize so far. Her dress looks waaaay better than the versions we’ve seen previously. The vaginas are gone, and the top looks more youthful. I honestly can’t tell if any of these dresses are gorgeous or hideous, but I’ve never been able to tell with Mackie’s either so I guess that’s the point. My ignorance aside, I’m guessing Xtina will not want to look like Stevie Nicks. Pre thyroid issues or not.

Irina gives the dress a dirty look. HAHAH. Minnesota’s work will not win, but if there are auditions for Cabaret any time soon, his model’s set.

Feather Duster giggles like a crazy person as his work comes down the runway. Yes, it’s extremely close to the winning movie dress, but this one is way prettier and better done than that fugnacious mess. Although paired with Xtina’s current hair, this would blind everyone in the audience.

Gordana Sbarrohausen isn’t as mortified by her dress as she was earlier, but girl, you should be. It’s a shoddy wreck. The construction is her weakest yet. You can see the ragged uneven seams. And are those nipple slits? WTF??

The whole ice skating thing is used a lot on this show, but it really applies here. For all Irina’s big talk and obvious construction skills, her work is really hacky and boring most of the time. This would only win if Shaun Johnson was the guest.

Carol Hanna stuck with her boring black dress, but she upped the ante by adding different fabrics and details to it. Somehow, she turned it into something cool and new. Probably waaaay too much fabric for a Xtina costume, but who knows?

Meh. A Mackie challenge and that’s IT? LAME! Those dresses are all done and done better like ten or more years ago. For me, Althea’s was the best out of the bunch, which probably means she’s going home. Irina is safe from elimination, but not from the giant python that slithers down the runway and chokes her dead. Aw mediocrity, how does it feel IRINA? Heidi tells Gordy that she’s lucky she has immunity cuz her ass would probs be out otherwise. Gordana Unoshausen says she had a meltdown and her beads were falling off and it was a mess, and Heidi says that her finished product was too. Smack. She’s safe. I’m glad she’s off the runway cuz I have run out of pizza places. The remaining six are kept on the runway.
Carol Hannah starts by admitting that she’s out of her element, but Xtina loves it and could see herself wearing it on stage. This is the only place in the world that would be a compliment. Have you guys seen what she wears on stage?

Nina thinks it’s very classy but would prefer it to look sluttier. Mackie and Heidi are both loving it. Elvis admits that she didn’t do her best today but adds that she’s proven that she’s good with construction. Heidi ignores that and says the dress looks like a really expensive witch Halloween costume. Xtina would trip if she wore it, and Nina likes the top but thinks the rest is too Carmen Miranda.
Mackie is impressed by Althea’s use of both the front and the back of her fabric for different colors, which is kinda cool. Heidi takes a moment to point out how great the model’s ass looks. So Althea might win this thing, alongside 8 Minute Buns. Wait. Nina thinks it’s well made but Xtina wouldn’t be able to move. Althea suggests she use the train for a bull riding move. LOL. Everyone laughs but Xtina, cuz she’s most likely already done that one a million times.
Minnesota says that he had a different perspective than the other designers. Bwahahah well that’s one way to put it. Xtina makes a pained face as he goes on to blah his “vision” of her doing a Cyndi Lauper cover. Heidi hates the shorts. And the top. Nina thinks it’s a Lady Marmalade remake
9holy crap it is!) and tells all the designers that their work has been done before. Snapple and score. That’s why Nina’s Nina. Mackie says he wouldn’t put that outfit on a chorus girl, and Xtina stops MN from his oncoming sob fest to give him an E for effort. Ouch.
Heidi thinks Feather Duster’s dress is gorge, Xtina thinks it’s gorge, and Mackie thinks it’s gorge. He thinks it needs something else with it, but likes what’s there. Straight guy says he was going for punk rock princess and shows off the chains in the back. Heidi doesn’t think there are enough chains. Xtina calls it cavewoman. Nina gives him credit for taking a chance, “unlike the rest.” Love her.

In private time, no one mentions that Feather Duster sent out a copy of something he’s already won with. Everyone likes it. Heidi thinks Carol Hannah is an extremely talented designer and Althea knows the right tricks to make a woman look hot. Elvis’ dress was a massive fail, but Nina gives her credit for being talented in general.
The judges have fun ragging on MN. Nina throws her hands to the heavens and calls it awful. It was bad enough he ripped off something she’s already done, but to do it so badly is inexcusable. Mackie thinks it looked like a Pussycat Dolls roadshow outfit, which should be a compliment in this challenge. It’s not. Nina agrees with Xtina’s caveman comment about Straight Guy’s work, but Heidi thinks it’s at least well made. Mackie starts going on about no dress being too short for the stage as long as you’re wearing diamond panties and Xtina perks up and writes him a check for that idea.
The winner is….Carol Hannah!! Woweee! Xtina loves how flattering her dress was but doesn’t pretend she’s gonna ever wear it. Feather Duster and Straight Guy are safe, leaving Elvis and MN as the bottom two. MN was a rip off and Elvis was boring. ELVIS IS OUT!! ! !! ! ! ! ! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! How in the WORLD could they send her out over fucking Minnesota! He’s been terrible from day one!! Wow. It would be hard to stick up for Elv on this one against anyone but Minnesota. He’s just BAD. I don’t get it, but I haven’t understood what the judges have been thinking most of the season so who knows. That ELVIS lost on a sequin challenge just makes the whole thing sadder. Man nothing is gonna make me ok with this decision. And then backstage Irina opens a fridge and it explodes. Ok that helped.