Project Runway: If Your Viscera Speaks to You, See a Doctor

Tonight on Project Runway, Yoko makes eggs and Nina smiles too much.

Bring back Nina!

This guy tells us that he really wants to win Project Runway cuz it’s his dream. He proves it to us by making that stupid fake prayer face, that in 2009 we know means insincere sincerity.

This move was made douchily famous by Lisa Kudrow in The Comeback.

ARGH. I don’t know why I’m so Christian today, but I am really getting fucking sick of fake praying. If you’re gonna ask God for something, make it important. Like a hairstyle that doesn’t remind America of Dewey Duck.
Althea tells us that it’s really a wakeup call when someone as talented as Fish is already gone. LOL. I predict Althea will be shocked by EVERYTHING. Straight Guy tells us that being kicked off PR first is like the most horrifying thing to ever happen to a person while Yoko stares/hides from behind a curtain.

OK Gypsy Rose Lee, I think he can see you.

Rick Gayranis giggles with the other boys about how America is going to remember him as the guy who looks like Rick Moranis and sent a naked chick down the runway with a gorgeous collar. I think he’s got all that right except the gorgeous collar part.
The designers all go to meet Heidi Fat Bitch Klum at the runway, and she’s wearing leopard print and some funky ass brown boots. This is so the night she went home and got knocked up by Seal. He always gets a boner when she does impersonations of The Nanny. I read it in GQ, I think.

Mr. Sheeeefield! Hehehehehehehehehehe

Heidi tells the designers that this week, they get to design for a celeb! Rick Gayranis gets all excited, but I suspect now that they’re on Lifetime, they have some tricks up their sleeve. Like Meredith Baxter Birney or some shit. I would just sit back with my arms crossed until I knew for sure. This has nothing to do with anything, but Heidi is rubbing her womb while she talks, and it’s making me uncomfortable.
She tells them that today’s celeb is a fashion model and a film and television star, which leads Irina to think that it’s Heidi. LOL. I don’t think Heidi is a film star, but crazier shit has happened.

Not only is this chick famous, she’s pregnant!! The oily guy who thinks he’s Christian Siriano and calls himself the Feather Duster or whatever poops himself. Pregnancy? Equals fat. And we all know how designers feel about fat people.

See?

The supermodel superstar of the world is….Rebecca Romijn!! I think when you get fired from a show with an acting bar as low as Ugly Betty, you shouldn’t be allowed back into Hollywood. You’re done, biatch! The boys look excited, and the girls? Not so much.

That naked blue chick in X Men was totally degrading to women.

Qristyl looks like she’s about to beat her ass. Romijn is preggo with twins. Damn fertility drugs are filling the world with copies, and they need to be stopped. I have a personal vendetta against fertility drugs. My mom took them in the mid seventies and I don’t have a twin, but I do have webbed toes. DAMN YOU, drugs!!
Romijn says that her life doesn’t stop just cuz her career has she’s pregnant, and she needs clothes to go have lunch or talk business with people. Darn, they’re gonna have to make her a dress. I was hoping someone would have to come up with some kind of acting skill for her to use in her later years. Never to late to be a Dame Judy Dench!

ACTIIING!

When they get back to the workroom, Althea is like totally excited and blown away that they like have like pouches for their dress forms!! OMG!! You know those dress forms are unmarried, which makes it all the sadder. To get with the spirit of the challenge, Christopher dresses like Bristol Palin.

My wahter just brooke don’t cha knoow!

He isn’t going to let winning immunity last week affect his work today. He’s determined to have mediocre prom dresses that look like they’re being attacked by cockroaches lining that winner’s wall, dammit!

Gordana Gehlhausen has had many large jawed babies, so she knows the drill. When she was preggers, she wanted to show off her arms. I imagine her looking like either Hans or Franz as a pregnant woman. R’amona thinks that Romijn looks like she’s in her second semester. That’s called Botox. Tim comes in to blah the rules out and then leaves them sketching. Straight Guy tells us that he hasn’t had any pregnant women in his life. He’s afraid of pregnancy, cuz he’s totes straight. If this were a “what should I wear to a Planned Pregnancy office as I paid for an abortion” challenge, he would totes have it in the bag. Sorry, but still not buyin it.

Every time this guy comes on the screen I can’t hear him cuz I keep laughing and pointing.

Yoko Homo

Yoko thinks the judges want him to blend concept with construction. Um, I doubt the judges have given you much thought, but my guess is what the producers want from you is some batshit craziness, so get to work. They didn’t hire you and your Jacklyn Smith wig for talent, k?
R’a'mon’a’ says that he is just amazed with himself for being in the top three last week, so he’s gonna have to keep pushing to bring the unexpected. You know what’s unexpected? To write all over your sketch like a junior high girl on her trapper keeper.

The tiny girl with sideburns, AKA as Elvis, says that this is a matter of finding fabric and executing it. I say fabric shouldn’t be executed.

It’s only episode two. Let’s reel back the violence, k?

Carol Hannah has made a maternity dress, but it was a bridesmaid dress so don’t go there! Huh? What’s so risque about a pregnant bridesmaid? I’m from Texas, though, so maybe that’s why I don’t see it. If the bride’s water doesn’t break during the ceremony we’re happy.
Qristyl is freaking out in Mood again and pacing back and forth really fast. The judges were worried about her taste level last week, so she’s gotta prove em wrong today. She won’t be starting with her own wardrobe, though, unfortunately.

Do you have any u’s? I NEED A U!!!

When they get back to the workroom, Irina stares at the giant belly on her dress form and kinda disses it. Hey, lay off the preggos, lady! She thinks that the challenge will be easy cuz there shouldn’t be a gap between maternity clothes and regular clothes. Spoken like a woman who hasn’t had children. The last thing a preggo wants to wear are skinny jeans, a thong, and a halter top. They want sweatpants that they can watch Days in, k? Get to work. Elvis and Althea seem to be happy with their creations so far, but guess who’s having trouble already?

It’s a shock a second this episode.

Speaking of shockers, Kenley Bangs has decided to make a 1920′s dress. Every outfit is going to try and justify those damn bangs. There’s no justification! Get a haircut and make a goddamn muumuu!

Yoko Homo’s brilliant idea is to “play around with the idea of fertility.” Since the model is already pregnant with twins, I can only take this to mean he’s playing around with the idea of his own fertility. Let me save you some time, Yoko. First, you’d need a vagina. Second, you’d need to get laid. Neither is going to happen any time soon so maybe just grab a color wheel and start there. He’s calling his look Mother Hen. I call it feeding time.

To make public breast feeding even more awkward for fellow diners.

Ra’mona is nervous cuz last week Nina told him not to play it safe and it’s very important for him to stay on top. He’s wearing a hot pink man boob shirt and a braid mullet, so my guess is on top is somewhere he doesn’t get to be often.

Please God. I can’t spend any more time with my ankles behind my ears.

Rick Gayranis is making a semi-sheer sweater, so he’s got a t-shirt to go under. LOL. Why do gay men have such an obsession with boobs? If anyone has an answer, please share. GET BOOBS OUT OF MY HEAD. He’s also making some pretty hideous short shorts. I think he’s just trying to get Romijn to cry.

Stamos’ Revenge

The other designers LOL at Gayranis and two of the girls put his shorts on as a mini skirt each and start a kick line. He takes all this pointing and laughing to mean “some kind of fierce.” Delusion! The next morning, the designers get ready and talk about the hard day ahead. Yoko Homo is sure that there won’t be a twist today, otherwise he won’t have pants. If there’s one thing that will make me turn this shit off, it’s a pantless Yoko. Someone with some lame ass hacky sentiments has taken over chalkboard duty this year. My guess is Qristyl.

If you really want to help, you should write something warning against the carnie fat lady shorts or the feeding time dress.

Tim comes to the workroom to check on progress, and he’s having casual Friday. This usually means he’s depressed. This was shot awhile ago, so I can only guess that he’s sensing Tim Gunn’s Guide to Style is on the bubble. Next season, when he finds out he’s been cancelled, he will be in acid washed Obama mom jeans up to his ribcage.

Aw, let’s hug. Now go put on a power suit and stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Althea is making a black and tan ribbon top with ribbons hanging down like spangles. It’s a mess right now, and Tim shows it in his face. She says the dress if for a luncheon, and he’s like yeah no. He advises her to come up with a story for her work that doesn’t involve day at all. Like this is for a funeral in Yonkers or some shit.

Tim is impressed with Kenley Bangs’ hand dye job, but when she worries that her dress is looking too nightgown-y, he agrees and advises her to listen to her “viscera” when it says uh-oh. LOL. He should write on that chalk board. I’m going to be saying “my viscera says uh-oh” all week long.
Tim’s not into Gayranis’ t-shirt idea, but he’s now paranoid about sending out a naked model. So here’s an idea, STOP MAKING SHEER SHIT. Tim’s face is so scrunched up at this point that he can’t even notice the carny shorts.
He’s loving Elvis’ velvet red number, but is worried that she could ruin it with the wool jacket. This is LA, lady! Even non pregnant women don’t wear wool here. Romijn is gonna look at that and all she’s gonna see are future pit stains. Clown music starts to play, which must mean it’s time for Yoko Homo. He describes his concept: “fertility”, and Tim has the same reaction I did. No, he doesn’t point and laugh, he just says “well, she’s fertile!” LOL. Stupid Yoko.
Yoko is going with his mother hen thing, so he’s added feathers to the halter top thingy and has come up with a way to make this whole look even more hideous. He’s gonna make pants with flared hips so the model will look like she has chicken legs. HAHAHAHAHAH. Tim sigh/whines “Oh Maaaaalvin.” I. Love. Tim. Gunn. This dress form looks like she’s about to get married at a NASCAR race.

Ra’mona has made a runner’s cocktail dress. I would run too if it involved alcohol. He doesn’t want to be safe, and Tim says that’s a good idea as long as he’s not cuckoo. Too late!

On your marks. Get set. SHOT!

Tim says cuckoo has already happened, and Ra’mona giggles nervously and asks “with me?!?” Tim assures him that no, he doesn’t mean him. Cut to Yoko Homo. HA. After Tim leaves, Ra’mona asks Gayranis his opinion of his runner dress, and Gayranis says it looks like a bowling ball bag. LOL that’s so true! Love it. Ra’mona almost has a nervous breakdown, so Gayranis assures him that he’ll probably win. Gayranis follows the mortified Ra’mona to the lounge and adds insult to injury by saying “it looks much better from here.” BWAHAHAHAHAHAH.

Maybe we can just move a plant in front of it. Then it would be perfect.

Time for model fittings! I am having a hard time believing that these girls have their own show. I could watch it, but ouch. Just the idea of it makes my head hurt. I could use that time to exercise! Nope, not gonna do that either. What was I talking about? Christopher says the first thing he did was get his girl pregnant. That is the first and last time he will ever say that in his lifetime.
The girls all squeal and giggle and act all grossed out that they have to be fat for a challenge while Meth teaches his model how to walk pregnant. Then he tries to snort her weave. He is worried that his dress is too drab (it is) and his jacket is ridiculous (it is) and he might be in the bottom three (you most likely will be). Amazing how a guy who is right so much of the time can be so. Wrong. He just needs another excuse to cry and blow snot all over the place again on TV. Qristyl tells us that Romijn wouldn’t even dust in that thing, and then she cracks up. Wow. When Qristyl is making fun of your bad taste, it’s time to kill yourself. This is a woman who actually thinks Rebecca Romijn DUSTS.
The next morning, doubt is in the air. Gayranis is convinced he’s out, and Yoko Homo is all mopey. It could be because he is realizing that his talent level is in the gutter, but my guess is it’s the herpes breakout.

He is thinking that his egg nest needs to be more literal. It will be when the judges throw eggs at it. Qristyl has decided on a brilliant plan of action. She will make Romijn feel thinner by dressing like an actual cow.

Ra’mona says he looks around the room and all he sees are hot messes. He thinks he is the front runner cuz he took a risk. HOW is what he’s doing a risk?! HOW?! He’s risking making his model look like a gutter ball. UGH. He calls Straight Guy Stella cuz he’s hammering his leatha. HA. No, silly. He has a hammer cuz he’s STRAAAAIGHT.

Why did he just call me a Bette Midler movie?

Tim comes in AGAIN. He must have received a nice raise for this season, cuz he’s in every segment now. He tells the designers to use the GLAD accessory wall to complete their looks, and with that, he’s back to his trailer to watch Sons of Anarchy reruns.

That Katey Sagal is a tigress!

Gayranis is having major issues. The main one is that for the second week in a row his outfit sucks bawls. In hair and makeup, Yoko Homo does his best Ally Sheedy in Breakfast Club impersonation and grosses everyone out.

LA gets its first snow in decades.

The models had to be cast for personality this year, so one of the homely 20 year olds with crows feet and bad skin has to get makeup spray painted on.

Next, we’ll add some all weather siding.

A bunch of designers (Qristyl) are losing their shit, but Yoko Homo is very, very, eerily calm. He’s gonna kill someone before this season is done. He thinks that there are talented designers there, but they don’t know it yet. “They haven’t cracked the egg, so to speak.” Whatever you say. He’s so obsessed with his theme that he’s shown up today with an egg on top of his head surrounded by a nasty ratty ass nest.

Damn that thing’s huge. Mork’s about to come out and frustrate Mindy for a few seasons.

Time for the runway show! How does Heidi look two years younger than she did last season? She’s aging in reverse. Germans really piss me off sometimes. Kors is off getting his skin to match his hair today, so some chick named Monique Lhuillier is filling in. She designs wedding dresses. Wowee! Nina is fighting bed head by trying out Farrah bangs with the Rachel cut. Nina? NO! NO! NO! Someone make her stop. Two wrong haircuts don’t make a right. Thank god she at least has the decency to hide behind a bush.

Might I suggest a French braid?

Romijn looks weird.

Isn’t lip silicone bad for babies? Pregnant women can’t even eat salmon, for chrissakes. I’m calling social services.

Heidi warns the designers that all the judges have been pregnant so they know what they want. Condoms.
Straight Guy is first, and I think it’s absolutely gorgeous…that his model is named Fat Ma. LOL. His look is simple white and black, and it’s well constructed and looks great on Fat Ma.

Elvis did a really nice job, too. Her dress is elegant and detailed, and even though no one in their right mind would wear wool in LA, the jacket is very well constructed and has really perty lining.

Feather Duster talks really big, but he kinda blows. His top doesn’t fit well and his skirt keeps hiking itself up.

Feather Fail

Christopher’s plum dress is cut poorly. He’s managed to make a pregnant woman look even fatter. I don’t know why he offends me so much. It can’t be his arrogance, cuz that’s nothing new on this show. I think it’s his Winnie the Pooh eyebrows. Calm down on the wax, man!

Rick Gayranis’ model looks like she has a giant ballsac. He thinks she looks hip and is going out to hang out with her friends. If this girl is into shopping trips to rummage through the Wal-Mart sale racks with friends, then yes. I see this look there all the time.

I could do without the black lining on Qristyl’s dress, but overall I’m impressed that she didn’t force her pregnant model into hot pink Hawaiian print. Simple and classy. Improvement!

I like Epperson’s the best so far, even though it looks kinda sheet-y. It’s weird when he talks, cuz I think it’s the first time he’s talked this entire episode.

Then the model takes off the top, which is a jacket. WOW. This is slutty Mormon sex gear.

Kenley Bangs made a cute-ish dress, but she would be doing herself a favor by coming into the now. 1920 is so…1920. Deep, huh?

Gordana Gehlhausen tells us that her work “ees zo elegaant”, but I can’t tell cuz it’s the same color as the background. Hi. This is a TV show.

Meth ditched the Golden Girls jacket and is way better off for it. His work is very pretty and clean. Love the white outline, and hope he works white lines into everything. Except his blood stream.

You look good enough to snort, girl!

Yoko Homo’s piece is a disaster. Basically it’s speedwalking clothes my mom wears with the addition of one of those baby papoose things ladies in Whole Foods showcase. Lame.

Where are the ankle weights?

Ra’mona’s dress looked busted before, and now it looks even worse. It scrunches up all over the place and looks like it needs a good ironing. Poor thing looks like the Fruit of the Loom grape.

You’re turning Violet, Violet!

Instructions, just in case she goes into labor and no one at the luncheon knows where the baby comes out.

Love Carol Hannah’s ruffle jacket thing, but the dress is hideous. The model has a sling for extra support. Yikes.

The top of Althea’s dress looks way better than it did the last time we saw it, but the model’s boobies are spilling out all over the place.

Irina used two tones of blue, and they look adorable. Could do without the flesh colored flowers, cuz they remind me of a misplaced c section scar. Also, the bottom is cut so that the crotch is lifted. She was the one who said that designing for a pregnant woman is the same as designing for a barren one, and she should rethink that. Pregnant women have giant bellies that make the dress lift in the front, dumbass.

Althea, Ra’mona, Yoko Homo, Kenley Bangs, Rick Gayranis and Elvis are kept on the runway. So basically, almost everyone with a nickname. Why does that always happen? I feel like I am cursing them. On a sidenote, the camera man hates Romijn.

Not OK, camera man!

Her smile is instagone when they address Ra’mona. Monique thinks it’s too busy and too sloppy, Nina says it’s pointing to the baby, and Heidi says it looks like racing stripes. Kenley Bangs is next, and Romijn likes it even though it looks like a nightgown. Nina loves the tiers, and then they move on to Althea. She says that she tries to imagine being pregnant a lot. Inside voice. Romijn loves it and thinks it’s appropriate for a bunch of occasions. Monique tells her that the model’s boobs are a bit much but overall it’s great.
Romijn gives a dirty look to Yoko Homo’s work. Nina loves the feathery top and thinks it might work if he had done the whole thing like that instead of wrapping his girl in a sling. Heidi asks Romijn if she wants to look like a chicken with an egg. HAHAH. Heidi likes Gayranis’ idea, but can’t believe he can’t make shorts. Nina gets angry and says she looks like a mess. Romijn likes the idea too but gives him a fail. Elvis says she focused on comfort. Romijn likes the coat and the dress’ waistband. Monique thinks she should be in the maternity biz. Nina compliments it, too. What’s with Nina? Whoever medicated her needs to be shot.
In private time, Romijn says that Ra’mona made a bowling ball back. You owe Gayranis a Coke! Gayranis is liked, but can’t construct. Heidi says no woman wants to be thought of as a chicken, but Nina is amused that Yoko went all the way with his craziness. Everyone agrees that Elvis’ work was classy and the most wearable. They also loved that Althea’s dress was so flattering. Romijn would wear Kenley Bangs’ dress out on a date, but Nina advises against going on a date in your nightgown. Monique says “that’s how you get pregnant!” HAH. This makes Nina smile, and it’s making me downright mad.

Who ARE you?

The designers are called back. Elvis wins!! She celebrates by singing about roses in Spanish Harlem. Althea and Kenley Bangs are safe. Ra’mona is safe, and he’s lucky to be next to such hacks cuz that shit was terrible. Heidi says that Yoko is too bizarre and Gayranis’ lack of construction talent is unforgivable. Yoko Homo’s out!!! I thought he would be in! Now both wackies are gone! They’re really changing it up this year. The Pleather Effect is DONE!! YAAAY! Tim comes in to pat people on the shoulder and kick Yoko’s ass out, but not without a nice large bottle of conditioner.
Next week is a team challenge and people start losing their shit. FINALLY.