FlipitTypes TV – Recaps, Gossip, and Trash Talk

Tonight on Project Runway, Epperson finally speaks. And it’s really really annoying.

The day the giggles stopped.

We know it’s gonna be an action packed show when it opens with Carol Hannah eating a giant bowl of cereal.

Darryl Hannah would never have allowed this shot to air.

R’amona sits on the window sill trying to be sassy, but all he can come up with is “anotha day anotha dolla!” Not only does he share a name with my Meemaw, he apparently shares a knack for cliches. If he says “don’t throw rocks if you live in a glass house or you’re gonna get shards in your ass” I’m outta here.

A bird in hand is worth more than an omelette.

Rick Gayranis is shocked, shocked I tell you, that he’s been in the bottom three a hundred percent of the season. Anyone else? Yeah, me either.

I think that plant just bit me.

He says he’s gonna keep on working on getting better, but I don’t know how a person is expected to learn construction skills so fast. I hope he just pulls out a hot glue gun and is done with it. The designers go to the runway to meet Fat Bitch Heidi, who looks as stunning, toned, and twenty five as usual, until we get a closeup. That hair. Good Lord what the hell has she been doing to herself? She looks like she has mange. And bags under her eyes. And one eye is kinda closed. Someone’s been having an emotionally violent fight. I blame Seal.

Clean yourself up, Arbuckle.

Heidi congratulates Elvis on winning immunity, and then Elvis thanks her in a five year old girl voice and shoves a peanut butter and banana sandwich down her face.

Yay you won! Now shave.

They get to go on a field trip. Heidi gives them a hint: “people have sex here and they also drown and sell meth.” Meth Head gets all excited, and is guessing they’re going to a beach. And you thought drugs rotted brains! When they get there, Tim is waiting for them. He’s wearing flip flops and the first pair of sunglasses he bought in 1954. He’s kinda like Buddy Holly, but you know. Not dead.

Ah, what could have been.

There are girls with surfboards behind him, and he announces that today’s challenge will be to make surfwear. Uh…listen. I don’t go to the beach all that often cuz I’m chubby and pasty and frankly it’s just too much work to walk in sand, but I’ve seen plenty of surfer clothes and they’re kinda ridonk. Throw on a towel and some knee pads and you’re done. They should have brought back the swimsuit challenge! Tim then announces that the Glad guy standing next to them will help them with hair, and they will be working in teams. No one is more upset than Rick Gayranis, which is hilarious cuz he’s like the worst one there.

OMG what if they make me look stupid..er?

R’amona says that “the bottom” of his stomach sank cuz “it really is the format for anything can happen”. Then he wrote ENGLISH in the sand and peed all over it. Tim assigns the team leaders so there’s no crying. Yet. Elvis chooses Carol Hannah cuz she always loved Meagle Eagles. Straight Guy chooses to work with Minnesota. Hopefully he will tell him to calm down on the eyebrow wax before he’s left with Whoopie Goldberg forehead. Feather Duster takes Jordan Gehlhausen, Gayranis takes R’amona and admits to us right up front that he did it cuz he thinks R’amona can carry him. LOL. There’s no shame in honesty. Wait. That’s totally bs. Who came up with that? There is plenty of shame going on here.
Althea doesn’t seem to remember Kenley Bangs’ name, but she takes her cuz she was in the top three last week. Bangs bows her head and makes her way over there. Qristyl takes Epperson, who I still know nothing about except that he put a pregnant woman in a space suit last week. That leaves Irina last. AW! Poor girl. She doesn’t suck, does she? I couldn’t even remember her name til Meth Head said it, so maybe the other designers had the same problem. She seems nice, though, and at this point I’m just hoping Meth doesn’t try to snort her.
The designers gather around the surf girls and ask them questions, which is a mistake cuz you know those girls are straight from Central Casting. They’re all like “we like flowers and sunsets and kitty cats!” A real surfer chick would have a menacing look and giant calves.
R’amona says having Gayranis as his partner is like having a giant bullseye “directly in the middle of my face.” He’s got a lot of cliches down, but he only knows the first half of every one of them. And I’m sorry, but didn’t you send the bowling bag down the runway last week? Yes. Yes you did. Sometimes, two wrongs do make a right. Have faith! He decides to take over, and Gayranis thanks the Lord. Qristyl isn’t so into working with Epperson cuz he’s trying to turn the challenge into a student/teacher situation and “I’m not no damn student!” Really? Cuz right now? You sound totes educated.
Feather Duster’s model talks, but all he hears is “dsdkljgsdogsidgshdlksdfjsa” with a “hoodies” and a “shorts” thrown in there for good measure. He’s like uh no. Don’t you know what they call him in New York?! HE’S THE FEATHER DUSTER, DAMMIT! He kinda acts like he’s gonna blatantly ignore the challenge, and if he does he will earn my heart.
They only have fifteen minutes to shop at Mood. Epperson looks like Qristyl is about to bring on an aneurism. It seems kinda dickish at first, but then we get to see what fabrics she’s trying to get him to sign off on and it’s hard not to be on his side at least for now. Meanwhile, Tim cruises Straight Guy.

Dude, you couldn’t be more obvious if you were holding a chicken sandwich in your hand.

Gayranis tells us that R’amona is picking out some really ugly things and they’ll probably be in trouble. Well, you’re the team leader so maybe you could…lead? LOL just kidding. He’s already decided he’s going to just see how it goes and then throw R’amona under the Nina come elimination time. He’s already working on his runway face. A frown that points at the person next to him.

Feather Duster is his team’s captain, and he tells Gordana Beaverhausen that they need to make their black and white fabric look less zebra cuz Feather Duster uses “no animal prints. Evrrr”. He’s done so many Joan Crawford impressions that he’s incorporated some drag queen’s version of her into his own personality. It’s kinda cute. And sad. What am I even talking about? Anyone?
Point is, his master plan is to bring back the wrap around pant and pair it with “hombre macrame.” HUH? What’s hombre? Like, dude in Spanish? I don’t know what he’s saying, and admit freely that I am more ignorant than Feather Duster. Anyway, Hombre Macrame sounds awesome, and he tries to repeat it over and over again but can’t. Feather Duster’s head changes position twice with every word and it’s really difficult to watch him. He’s making me dizzy. It’s like a really overdone Katherine Hepburn impression. In her later years, of course.

You know, Norman, you really are the sweetest man in the world, but I’m the only one who knows it.

Epperson stands behind Qristyl lecturing her about perfection. She just nods and yesses him, but he doesn’t go away. He tells us in a very long winded way that they’re scared shitless. They are being pretty kind to each other considering. You almost wouldn’t know there were problems until Epperson leaves and Qristyl throws down a pair of scissors like she would have used them if he’d stayed for one more second. And I wouldn’t blame her. That guy’s an asshole.
And now for some more garbled cliches! Gayranis is sitting on a stool doing nothing but whining and condescendingly telling R’amona that “in our relationship, I can’t always tell you that you’re perfect, k?” Then what the fuck is the point of being in a relationship in the first place? Ramona tells us that he’s not happy cuz he doesn’t know “where this thing is gonna shake out.” He is being forced to top right now, and he’s not comfortable with it. I don’t know what you’re talking about! Gayranis is totally working his ass off right now!

Can I get you a magazine or something?

Meth goes over to lighten things up, and R’amona sticks his arm right out, hoping for a syringe full of something. Poor Meth! I’ll bet people knock on his door all day long pretending they just happened to be in the neighborhood and hinting at a free taste of whatever he’s got lying around at the moment.

I don’t even care what’s in it. Just take my vein and make this stop.

Gayranis snaps at Meth to go away and let R’amona work for them. See? He’s totally doing something. Tim comes in with a surprise. They will have to make another look!! LOL. I wish there was a shot of the puddle of pee trickling out of Gayranis’ pant leg right now. The look is Avant-garde, and they will get two hundred more bucks to blow, but only one person from each team is going to Mood. I predict a R’amona sobbing session by the end of the episode. I also have my fingers crossed for an Epperson smackdown.
He’s standing over Qristyl every second, nagging her and telling her not to fuck this up. He even tries to show her how to do a simple seam, and she’s right in calling it out as offensive. If I was his partner I would just look at him and say “wash your hair.” The end.

The next day, half the designers are back at Mood. R’amona tells us his new piece “is inspired on” a wetsuit. Meanwhile, Epperson thinks very deeply as the clerk folds his brown fabric. Brown to go with the leaves on the surfer look? Baaaad move. Who wants to look like a plotted plant on a beach?

To fold a piece of fabric, match up the corners. You’re welcome.

Back at the workroom, Gayranis says “I have a lot of good ideas in my head…” but there’s not time to learn how to sew and his partner’s not here. He giggles about sucking at putting together a swimsuit. No one giggles with him. He seriously needs to just be gone right now. I am furious at him for taking away our opportunity to see what Yoko Homo would have come up with for this one.
Feather Duster arrives back at the workroom to find that Gordana Hefeweizen has finished the macrame, but he’s a little afraid of the next look when he realizes he bought doily fabric. He thinks that his model is gonna look like a tranny, but no way. Trannies make more effort to hide their junk.

Epperson comes back and immediately crawls up Qristyl’s ass about every little thing. You know how sometimes you meet someone quiet and you want them to open up and they do and then you get really annoyed and wish they’d just go back to being quiet? That’s right now for me.

Hey, Bobby McFerrin. Stop staring at the flies circling your head and get to work.

R’amona tries to get duties straight with Gayranis, who tells him that he’ll keep trying to figure out how to sew a bathing suit while R’amona, the Not Captain, does the entire Avant-garde look himself. “I sure hope he knows what the hell he’s doing…”

…cuz I sure the frack don’t.

Tim comes in, calling himself the Profit of Doom. HA. If he’s given another stab at his own reality show, he shouldould use that as a title. He could just go to people’s houses and give them really bad news.

Got your blood work back. It’s not looking good, okaaay?

He makes a beeline to Carol Hannah and tells her that her model “has an issue” and if she’s not ok with it they’ll get her someone else. Ooooh! An issue! I wait for him to say he would love to tell us what it is, but we have to watch Models of the Runway to find out. In that case, I’d just assume she was caught gnawing off her arm in a bathroom stall and move on my with my day. Actually, now that I think about it, that show has potential to be really good. Wait. He does tell us the issue. The model got a commercial. I’ll bet she was wearing her Rosanne Rossanadanna hair to the audition.

Model’s gonna miss the fitting, but if Carol Hannah can forgive that she won’t be fired from the show. Sorry! Later, model! What the f does she care? She booked a commercial. Gordana Jibbenhausen isn’t sure about what Feather Duster’s making for the avant-garde look, but gives him the benefit of the doubt and says he’s probably trying to make a sea woman “coming out uff da sea, like dat moofie Mermaid.” Little Mermaid? Cuz Mermaid was about a little girl sending her dead dad a letter addressed to heaven and delivered by a balloon, and this outfit would be totally inappropriate for a child.

Gayranis sits around giggling and not working, and R’amona doesn’t slap him, poke him with a safety pin, or even confront him a little. It’s pretty disappointing. Someone remind R’amona that he’s on a reality show and he’s supposed to cry or yell or something. Feather Duster does his job for him and tells Gayranis that he’ll be laughing his ass off when Heidi sends him home.
Time to plan hair! This is just a Glad product plug. Products are shown, and Elvis is offered a free sideburn wax. She refuses. FF. Tim comes in to check on progress. Qristyl and Epperson’s dress looks like a cheap plant in a doctors office. There is a bustier thing that detaches to make it more beach friendly, but it still looks way to heavy even though the fabric is light. Tim just doesn’t like that without the bustier thing, you can almost see panties. DUH. It’s a beach challenge!! He wore slacks and a blazer to the beach, though, so in his defense I think he just has a very different idea of what should be going on there.

Where’s the wedding?

We don’t get to see much of the work that’s been done so far. It’s mostly just a montage of Tim faces until he gets to Gayranis and R’amona.

WTF ARE YOU DOING?!?!?

Tim doesn’t get the scuba suit idea at all, calling their work a cartoon starring a scuba woman and a greek goddess in a bad knock off cocktail version of a dress that Austin Scarlett already made in season one. Tim tells everyone to work like there’s no tomorrow cuz for one of them there won’t be. R’amona will find a way to repeat that cliche later and fuck it up somehow.
R’amona takes Tim’s criticism very seriously. So seriously that he scraps the scuba suit and starts something brand new. Gayranis just giggles idiotically and continues on with his nothingness project. Meanwhile, Qristyl and Epperson fight some more. In every one of these arguing scenes, and there have been many, Qristyl is working and Epperson is just nagging and acting like an asstard. Just saying. Wash. Your. Damn. HAIR.
The next morning, Feather Duster makes fun of Gayranis for most likely ending up on the bottom again tonight. Gayranis giggles and giggles and talks about how he’ll probably be going home. This seems truly inevitable, but alas, I cannot FF. At the workroom, R’amona tries to force Gayranis to work so he can have his quiet breakdown. Tim comes in to announce it’s time for model fittings, and he tells R’amona that with only a skirt done on the new look, he might have to resurrect the scuba suit. This freaks R’amona out, so he takes his fug neon skirt and starts to hand dye it. With two hours left. He gets half done with thirty minutes to go, and as his mutters “this isn’t fair” over and over again, Tim comes to give him some meaningful advice that he’s never given anyone before: “Make it work.” Gayranis is a nightmare, fo sho, but R’amona could really be screwing himself over on this one. So it looks like a scuba suit ! WHO CARES? It’s supposed avant-garde. You could put fresh poo all over the girl and you’d be within the lines of the challenge. Grow a pair!
Runway time! Kors is out again recovering from having his face turned into a basketball, and his replacement is Max Azaria, head of BCBG. He looks surprisingly like Carl Reiner.

His graceful aging has made Nina feel comfortable showing off her dentures. Whoever told Nina to smile more needs to be fired immediately.

We need a gum match on aisle Nina.

The guest judge is Rachel Bilson, actress and designer. I can’t remember any movies she’s been in, so I looked her up on IMDB. Oh, she’s the girl with a giant alien head from The OC. Wowee! They can’t be Lindsay Lohan every week, I guess.
Qristyl and Epperson’s doctor’s office plant beach dress is out first. They took Tim’s advice to heart and had their model keep on the bustier thing. Mistake! Now it just looks like she’s wearing a weight lifter’s belt.

The avant-garde look is a shiny brown swimsuit from the fifties with a neon and brown vest cape.

One might say it looks like ass.

One word. Skidmarks.

Meth and Irina’s dress is out next, and I don’t get how it’s beachy. The model looks like a slutty private school chick.

Their avant-garde look is a brown dress with a giant baby swaddled on the shoulder.

It looks way better from the side.

Gayranis doesn’t think the judges will be able to tell that the beach outfit was made in less than forty five minutes. I think he’s wrong.

R”amona sends out a partially dyed fug dress that looks post Flinstones War instead of his scuba suit.

Who shot a paintgun at the model? Come on guys. Manners.

Elvis and Carol Hannah are next, and their beach look isn’t the most progressive, but it’s definitely to most beachy so far. They just made a bikini and a wrap.

I don’t know how their avant-garde look is supposed to be avant-garde. It’s a ball gown with a funky collar.

Althea and Kenley Bangs made a maroonish pool dress with what looks like a striped bikini under. Bizooooring. I thought the dress would come off to at least reveal some interesting bathing suit, but it doesn’t. Lame. The girls wearing Gadzooks on the beach looked better than any of these designs so far.

Their avant-garde look is cool. The top is made out of zippers and the bottom is half saloon whore skirt and half regular whore skirt.

Feather Duster and Gordana Haagenhausen are out next. Duster brags that the designs are both one hundred percent his, but gives Daazenhausen credit for being a good worker with a highly entertaining accent. The macrame bathing suit makes the model look a little saggy, and wraparound pants? Turn out to be sailor pants with a weird wrap thing around them. Like a crotchless chef apron.

Gordana Jengahausen tells us that she loves the first look and isn’t quite sure about the second but she believes in Feather Duster. Why? I don’t know. The top of the avant-gard look isn’t too hideous, but damn. That bottom is a mess. The tights are cut to make the model look knock kneed. Not cool. Poor thing looks like a desperate for a baby clown showing off her womb.

Straight Guy and Minnesota made capri pants that look dirty on purpose with a t-shirt and a sunhat. OK still no surfer wear in sight.

When did skidmarks become fashionable? Cuz they’re all the rage this episode.

Their avant-garde look is a tribute to every homeless woman who dreams of going to a ball.

Straight Guy, Elvis, and Althea’s teams are all mediocre enough to stay, so they skidattle, leaving four teams on the runway. Feather Duster, Gordana Wienerschnitzelhausen, Qristyl and Epperson are the bottom four. Gordana’s jaw hits the floor at this news, and R’amona and Gayranis are shocked too cuz this actually means they might win. R’amona looks floored. Meth and Irina say they worked together pretty well, but Irina is responsible for the macrame in the back. Nina looooves it. Someone needs to stomp on her foot or something.

It’s a swimsuit and a hot pot coaster.

The giant head from The OC, who’s name I can’t and won’t remember, likes that look the best out of all of them and plans on stealing it for her “line” asap. Carl Reiner loved all the detail work on the front of their avant-garde dress. Heidi moves on to R’amona and Gayranis, and R’amona says he was inspired by a wave. Heidi’s like “uh you’re not the team leader” and Gayranis says “yeah he spoke for me.” Bitch! Heidi has been told, apparently, that he was useless as usual, so she immediately asks what he was responsible for. He takes credit for the bathing suit, and Heidi gives him shit cuz you can’t even see the bathing suit. LOL. Heidi asks R’amona why he’s rolling his eyes, and he says that he worked on both outfits and it was frustrating. Gayranis admits to doing nothing. How awesome would it be if he got kicked off even though he made the top four? Everyone loves the neon green dress with the giant ink stain on the front. I don’t get it, but I’m sure that surprises none of you. If this girl walked into the same room as me, I would offer her a paper towel and some club soda.

The bottoms are brought out and Epperson is immediately bitching at Qristyl. She stands up for herself calmly, but he’s in her face the whole time. God he sucks. Heidi thinks the top on the plant dress is very well made, and Big Head likes the print. No one gets the fifties swimsuit with the vest cape, and Qristyl chalks it up to a bad marriage. Carl Reiner says that without teamwork, you can’t be a designer and leaves it at that.
Heidi likes the macrame swimsuit, but not the wrap pants. She hates the other piece. Gordana Newmanhausen sticks up for Feather Duster, saying the organza work on top is brilliant. Carl Reiner cuts through her bullshit, though.

I’m kinda loving him right now. Giant Head likes it just fine, and Nina says that the garters ruined it for her. HHAHAH. The designers are all sent away for judge private time. Everyone loved Meth and Irina’s work, and they also liked R’amona’s but agree that it’s kinda hard to give that team the win when Gayranis did nothing.
Nina thinks Feather Duster is good but needs to tone it down and stop doing lines from On Golden Pond. They move quickly on to the obvious losers. Should Epperson go home for taking over and insisting on making bad clothes or should Qristyl go for being a wuss and giving in to him? I’ve got my fingers crossed for a Gayranis/Epperson double whammy.
The top and bottom teams are brought back. R’amona wins!! HAHAHAH Heidi says even though Gayranis was the team leader it’s obvs that he did all the work. Irina, Meth, Feather Duster and Gordana Bubblehausen are excused too. Epperson is safe! WTF?!? GET RID OF HIS ASS! Gayranis is told that never in PR history has a team member from a winning team been axed, but three strikes and you’re out! YAAAAYYYYY!! He smiles and giggles silently, and Carl Reiner remarks that he’s a nice guy. Gayranis says that he is glad he was himself. HUH? You suck! If that’s yourself, be someone else. He’ll be going home with a smile on his face, even though he can’t seem to muster one up right now.

Cuz I live…downtoooooown!