Fashion Show: Home Wretch

Tonight on the Fashion Show finale, Reco screams buuuullsheat and Fern comes out of her shell. Guess who else shows up? Not Beyonce, that’s for damn sure.

Nope. Still very busy. Raincheck?

We open with Eyesack asking “‘Whose look will be sold?”, like he does every week. More importantly, who’s work will actually SELL? My guess is no one’s, cuz you know if someone ever showed up into the office in one of these sad creations off Bravo’s website they’d be laughed right back out into the street. If anyone knows some poor sad sack who’s actually paid for one of these outfits, please send me a pic stat. In return, I’ll give you…well nothing. But it’ll be fun!
Can you believe it’s already ending?!? It seems like this show has only been on for eight hundred very long hours. Time really slows to a dead stop when you’re having not fun. The day starts with Kenley arriving back after taking a couple of months to pull a collection together and hopefully burn all of her gd bows. She tells us that at the start of this here competition, everyone told her she was way too young, but she’s awesome anyway. How in God’s name is Kenley only twenty two years old? That she’s developed a personality that repugnant in such a short time really is a feat. That kind of ugly usually takes years of abuse to cultivate. Well done, kid!
Anna the Yarn lady is next and assures us that this is a HUGE deal and she’s come prepared. Like a Girl Scout. In that case, I will tell you just what I tell Girl Scouts: Unless you’ve got cookies get the fuck out my face. When asked how she’s been, Yarn answers “poor”. AW! Should have started an umbrella rack business on the side, girl. Think! It’s what a Girl Scout would do.
Kenley wastes no time in running over to Yarn’s collection and sniffing around nosily. Yarn tells us that she used to make her own clothes in high school and it all led to this moment! Like Molly Ringwald in Pretty in Pink! I doubt she’ll end up with her Andrew McCarthy, though.

Get your hand off my ass, lez!

Doesn’t Tax Haven look perty? She kinda boned it on the show, but I wish she had made it to the end so we could see her mom, Mrs. Lovey Howell from Gilligan’s Island. Kenley says that her promise to her dying grandma was to make grandma clothes for the rest of her life. AH! That explains a lot.

Was your grandma a dowdy banker?

Reco arrives next. He squeals and hugs Yarn, and instead of punching Kenley, he squeals and hugs her too. HEY! WHAT HAPPENED TO RECO?!?! BRING RECO BACK! He grabs her shoulders and asks how she got so thin. “You been smokin crack?” LOL. Have you? Cuz she hasn’t lost a pound. Kenley is completely thrown off by his behavior, and the look on her face is priceless.

James Pole is next to arrive, and he wastes no time in pulling out his collection and telling everyone how experimental and misunderstood he is. Why, you can hike this skirt up over your head and it will turn into a veil! OK, Grey Gardens.

My motha ruined ma life!


W

T

F?!?!

Eyesack and Not Beyonce come in to welcome them home. OK. Eyesack. You’re rich, which makes it totally ok to gain twenty pounds whenever you want to. Accept it and dress appropriately. Trying to hang on to XXL’s from the past isn’t helping you. Or chubby gay men in general.

That button could pop off any second and blind Not B. Safety first!

He asks the designers where they pulled inspiration for their collections. Yarn says she was inspired by a painting called “The Garden of Earthly Delights”. Eyesack immediately names the painter, Bosch, and poor Not B has a look of utter confusion on her face. Don’t worry, you don’t have to say anything hon. Just stand there and blend.

That guy makes saline solution, right?

By the way, here’s the painting she is talking about. Expect lots of Jesus clothes.

James Pole’s answer? Needs subtitles.

Who else is suddenly excited he made it to the end?

Reco was inspired by “da asstecs”. Eyesack assumes he meant “Aztecs”, but I doubt it. If anyone can pull off Asstecs, is Reco. Practice makes perfect!

This gone come out her crack lie a birdy, den when she pull it out she kin smell it and throw it into da audience.

Reco adds that he also used Merlin as inspiration. LOL. You lose! Kenley says that she went for body armor, and goes on and on about how gorgeous her work is. Eyesack shushes her with a “we’ll be the judge of that, darling.” Kenley tries to smile at his rebuke, but she can’t get the fuck you look out of her eyes.

Your jacket doesn’t fit, doughboy.

Sack tells them that Glenda will be back with her scary teeth to rip the jugular out of whoever is terrible and eat it in front of a live audience. Not only that, but someone’s going home directly after the fashion show and will have no chance of winning! Chance of tears? YAY!
Models come in for fittings, and James Pole immediately starts sticking bones in their hair. Oh, Pole. Have you ever seen the Flinstones? You think you made this shit up? Still, it’s nice to see him boning women. Way to play against type!

Someone get him a chair to stand on. This is embarrassing.

Things are going swimmingly for everyone but Reco, who’s wedding dress won’t fit any of his models. That’s probably a good thing, cuz it’s kinda fugnacious. The next morning, the boys are pooing their panties and the girls are convinced they’re brilliant. Yarn is in such a good mood that she treats herself to a shot of Kenley muff. EW.

Keep it in your pants, Yarn!


Tough call.

Time for the A Listers to arrive!!

Someone tell Gayvitz his piece is still crooked.


Who beat Nicole Kidman in the face with a frying pan?


Liza replied “oh hell no” so they got Lorna instead.

Reco stayed up all night reworking his too tight wedding dress, but the zipper popped again right before the show. I think he should just make it a theme and force his hos to just take their shit off on the runway. Speak to your people, dude!

The only woman starved enough to actually be able to fit into that fug wedding dress. I smell a cross eyed Asian Cinderella story!

Just in case you forgot, this show is sponsored by

Boobs.

So to be a model? You just have to be thin. And wear a ton of makeup.

I hope Merlin returned your pancho before he went back to Honduras.

Kenley has some makeup drama and tells her makeup artist “fix this. You know it’s not right.” How to win friends and influence people. She doesn’t want the models to look like cats, dammit! She wants them to look like robots! How bout cat robots? That I could get behind.

This is what Kenley’s face is gonna look like when she LOSES. Fingers crossed.

Time for the show!! Kenley is out first, and she looks like she’s about to squat and drop a baby at prom.

She says that each look is named for a woman in her family cuz they are her inspiration. First up is her mom, I assume, cuz she’s wearing mom pants that go up to her rib cage.

We don’t get a full shot of the next look, which can’t be a good sign. All we see is a blouse in the same material as the mom pants and shiny, ill-fitting pants that make the model look like she’s packing.

Kenley tells us that she came up with every design all by herself. Good move since it’s your fashion show, moron. She even made the necklaces! Really? Totally couldn’t tell.

Michael’s is the only retail store that saw an incline in business this month.

Another shower caddy neckline. And this dress doesn’t fit well either. As much as I dislike Kenley, I kinda expected her to kick ass at this finale. WRONG!

Boob tape included.

Why, Kenley even created her own music! She “wrote the beat” and the lyrics, so the audience would know the “recipe” to her designs. The song is called “Crap, pleather, shoulder pads, and poop.” To go with the story, here comes a model in a pleather skirt with beige pleather shoulder pads sewn on top of the blouse. I don’t know if I’m grossed out by the outfit, or by the voice purring “sexy! Mysterious! Poop!” in the song. Cuz you know that’s Kenley.

A dog leash, plastic rocks, nuts, and nails. Comfie!

Her next model looks like a washed out scab.

A Flashdance vest and velvet leggings that accentuate the model’s birthing hips. I think someone’s a Fantasia fan!

I got love fo all my baby mamas!

The next one is a pair of sailor pants with a solid pleather bustier and a semi-cute eighties vest.

These clothes are totally made for tacky ass old ladies who try to look young. And there’s definitely a market for that.

And now for a Tatiana tutu with an unflattering silver top. Why the see thru sleeves on so many of her looks? Again, old lady.

More frilly layering and see thru sleeves. Does Kenley have issues with her arms or what? Live a little!

Someone found a way to use their old cassette tapes. Wrap a skinny bitch up in that shit and cross your fingers for a hundred grand.

Nice to see someone give a shoutout to Wednesday Addams. Or Glenn Close in 101 Dalmatians.

I. WANT. THOSE. PUPPIIIIIIIIES!

This whole five minutes might have been less nauseating without Kenley’s voice over telling us how brilliant she is and then how she came from poordom and just wants to help her family.

So this brat is your fault! Stone the mom! Stone her!

It’s hilarious that Underoo is behind mom looking disgusted. Reco comes out and thanks his mom and his aunt for driving all the way from Chattanooga and showing him how to use snaps for tear away dresses instead of classless velcro. AW!!

He says something about taking the audience on a journey as a high priestess of the Asstecs. You know what? Just play some Journey and let the girls do their thing. His first look lis a costumey Upper East side coat with a bright yellow stripe on the belt. Perty and tacky all at the same time. Well they said to show your personality.

The next girl looks like she’s wearing a long, sparkly road on her chest.

The next model’s outfit fits beautifully, and he used the design of the runway on her skirt.

Yes, we know where your vagina is, but thanks for the directions.

The next one is the winning chocolate bar from Willy Wonka. Fug.

One kid looks like she’s sleeping, but it might just be her close proximity to Laura’s personality.

No, Laura. You can’t have your own Old Navy commercial. Find your own schtick.

Another long road on a blouse, but this one is gold. And the pants are strikingly similar to the ones Kenley made, except that they fit.

If we’ve learned one thing today, it’s that Asstec strippers are extremely tacky.

That skirt was a bit too long for his clientele, but he makes up for it with the next model.

No I’m not a cop. Just get in the car!

LOL

Reco is one stubborn man, as this knockoff of his failed knockoff proves. It sucked enough the first time! Let it go!

And finally, something daring and fabulous and hideous and wrong. Charo’s feather duster.

Slimming.

His wedding is very little mermaid/floor polisher. I keep waiting for the Three Stooges to pop out.

Once your done polishing the ballroom you need to swim back home, k?

Reco talks about being from Chattanooga and is from Chattanooga and Chattanooga ghetto ass Chattanooga is where he’s from and he’s never going back to nasty ass embarrassing fool ridden Chattanooga. Chattanooga? Not feeling very proud tonight. That wedding dress is gonna lose this for him. His model trips over it coming out for bows. He fixes it, then she trips again. Finally, he picks it up and walks her down the runway. She still trips, so he picks her up. Ouch. Chattanooga just got its revenge.

Chattanooga

Does he think he’s gonna win? “No doubt!” OY. Yarn is next, and we can see where she gets her love of hideous patterns in her personal wardrobe.

Lisa Simpson!

Yarn’s song is a total rip off of Kara Saun’s “Fly Girl” from Project Runway. I know that cuz I still have it on my iPod and dance around to it jiggling my muffin top around when I’m sad. Her first dress is a Laura Ashley fancy librarian number.

Parent teacher night never looked so glamorous!

Then she rips off her own bow from last week, with the jewels on the inside.

The next model looks like she smells of patchouli.

Until she takes off her sweater (finally, some yarn!) to reveal a hot pink dress in Yarn’s pleating detail. So we are now three designers in. Anyone plan on doing something good at any point? Anyone?

That thing looks like a lint trap.

Another librarian dress. Yarn tells us that her grandmother passed a lot of clothes down to her. That’s sweet, but you didn’t have to throw them down the runway.

I swear to God my mother had this beach towel in the seventies.

This gold jacket with peach lining is adorable. The dress underneath is covered in Ikea blinds, but at least there’s something to work with here.

Baby Jane likes it.

The next piece is back to drabsville.

Grey. Stop kissing Eyesack’s butt.

Next dress is another rip off of the infamous Squircangle. I expected more from Yarn. Why? I don’t know.

She came up with this one back when she waited tables and had to fold napkins before leaving for the night.


The audience oohs and ahhs as the jacket comes off. Then they clamor around the model and wipe the pizza sauce off their mouths.

I love her next piece. It’s different and colorful and reminds me of tripping on mushrooms. YAY!

She keeps her not fug streak alive with the next piece, a furry skirt and sparkly top. Gorge. Does it look like it was made out of Cookie Monster’s cold dead carcass? Yes, but kudos to her for making that work.

RIP

Love the lining in this next piece. Yarn’s starting to kick some butt. This dress is a little Barbie Challenge, but frankly, after the dreck that’s walked so far, it’s brilliant.

And….

Umbrella rack. It’s called consistency.

So basically just did everything she did during the show, but slightly better. She was mediocre enough to stay through ten episodes, why change? James Pole is last. He’s wearing biker gloves and a teal sweater. LOL.

It’s about time for an Over the Rainbow remake.

Oh man. His collection is pretty much what you’d think it would be. Shapes protruding out of people. First shape, a spare tire.

This next one is cute, for him. He explains that his clothes represent what’s going on in our society. Lowering of the taste bar, reality TV giving people who should be locked in a basement somewhere a platform for fame, and the war on drugs? Agreed!

In the future, women walk around in slanty clothes and dirt on their faces. This is some deep shit.

I hope you separated the plastics from the rubbish before taking yourself to the trash, young lady.

Pole tells us it’s about time America embraced something different. Only trouble is, this isn’t different at all. He just hasn’t seen Mad Max.

The next one is a detachable skirt that just kinda hangs there when it’s off. Fern, of course, likes it.

You wear Ore Ida packaging, so no one’s surprised.

You know what this needs? Some black silk!


You’re blanket’s falling off. Stupid homeless people. Keep it together!

James Pole talks about his deep, futuristic sensibility and name drops Vivienne Westwood as he walks a fucking pancho down the runway.

This was so pretty when my art teacher wore it in the seventh grade.

And now for more of the same formless dreck. He has an obsession with putting purse straps on his dresses with no purses attached. That’s got to be infuriating to wear.

Where are my goddamned KEYS?!?

Another sack dress with a black quilt! WTF? This guy is ridiculous.

I totally would buy that quilt, though.

Pantyhose over the shoes. LOL. Betsy Johnson is kicking herself right now.

I couldn’t make out the faces of the robbers, officers, but I could swear they were shoes.

That blew. And not in a good way. So, Baby Jane, what did you think?

Agreed.

My guess is Reco’s out, cuz as annoying as James Pole’s work was, I think that the tribute to Asstec was downright offensive. When the Real Housewives of New Jersey think you have the best taste, you better get your bags packed. And Yarn will win. There that’s off my chest. Moving on to judging. I think Fern should win something for figuring out how to wear an old typewriter around her neck.

Their “most representative” looks are brought out, and Reco knows there’s trouble cuz his is not the floor polisher dress.

Don’t make me go back to Chattanooga please! I called em ghetto like thirty times tonight.

One of them is getting kicked off, and the judges will pick the best single look and give it ten thousand smacks next week. Eyesack tells Yarn that the audience loved her, and Fern appreciates that she ripped off everything she did throughout the season. Eyesack thinks as a collection, hers was a bit disjointed. Glenda is disappointed that she didn’t show more talent. Yarn starts crying and says that she’s always wanted to make librarians feel pretty too. AW!
Glenda puts it a bit more sweetly and says that she told lots of pretty stories but didn’t have one strong story line. In other words, you sucked less than you could have. Congrats!

There. Feel better?

Kenley tries to cry too, but doesn’t quite pull it off. At least she made the effort. Eyesack was worried about Kenley’s “arty” armor theme at first, but started to enjoy it when he realized it was all about the shoulders. Fern tells us that Donna Karan always says she likes to show off shoulders cuz it’s the one place a woman doesn’t gain weight. HAHAHAH. Then Fern calls tin hut and tackles Not B instead of just stealing her flag.

The one exception to the Karan rule.

Glenda loved it and Not B liked that she can mix and match the collection. Yeah cuz it’s all the fucking same. Eyesack mentions the leather bustier. He says he thought finally Kenley pulled off something sexy, but then she paired it with man pants. Kenley takes a moment to try to figure out if that’s a compliment or not, but all she gets is scrunch face.
She says that she was going for a second skin thing, and Sack says the clothes didn’t fit right and made the models look too skinny. He goes on to call her size-ist and thinks that she has an obsession with thinness. Wow. I am on the same page as Eyesack. Target, here I come! Kenley laughs at this, and he kinda snaps that he is being serious.

Fatso.

At least someone’s smiling.

How rude!

Fern tells Kenley that she just wants her to be successful with the widest range of customers. Literally. Now for Reco. Eyesack loved the first jacket and the black leather outfit. He even compliments the red dress and says that he does well with a woman’s body. Fern disagrees. She says all season they’ve been amazed at his incredible workmanship with such short amounts of time, but now he’s had a lot of time and came up with nothing that compared to his previous work. Then she leans back and opens a Snapple. That was some great judging there, Fern. I am liking this side of you! I credit Glenda with bringing out your inner c word. Reco says he got unfocused cuz he did so much research. LOL. On what? He doesn’t say, but Eyesack congratulates him on reading stuff.
Fern isn’t done, though, and says his feather dress wasn’t sexy at all and she couldn’t imagine any woman wanting to look like the inside of a car wash. HAHAHAH. FERN! It’s way late in the game, but I LOVE YOU. Where has she been all season? She dissed Reco and the New Jersey Housewives in one fell swoop. Well done!
Reco’s eyes are about to pop out of his head, so Not B congratulates him on being risky. Glenda strokes his shiny head and says he’s inventive, but then says his wedding dress was the bridal dress and the bridal suite all in one. OK next season just keep Glenda and Fern, k?

BUT I’M FROM CHATTANOOGA!

Glenda continues that it’s not graceful enough, elegant enough, or beautiful enough. Kenley’s face cheers.

Reco argues that he produced today what he wants to be known for. Fug? Bad argument. Just don’t talk. James Pole starts blathering on about indigenous people again.

Run, Pocahontas! Run! John Smith is a lying cheating sumbitch!

Then he brags about his use of pillowcases again…

The veil can also be used as a sack to carry corn husks. Guess who did that? Indigenous people!

American people can put their laundry in it.

The judges all love him (???) and say he’s the most consistent. Well, that I’ll give him. Fern warns him that his clothes have no hanger appeal, and Glenda says that he needs to edit and edit hard. The designers are sent out for judges’ private time. First, the judges try to convince each other that there’s some real talent on this show. It’s not working, so Glenda tries to distract us by swallowing a live rat whole and snickering like a witch.

They start with Yarn. Glenda gives her credit for making clothes that actual women would wear, but isn’t impressed with her lack of cohesiveness. Fern agrees, and they move on to James Pole. Glenda calls him clever, and Fern says he’s an intelligent designer. LOL. Glenda thinks it’s a bit much for the real world. Eyesack likes that Reco knows how to make a woman’s body look bangin, but Fern thinks he should spend less time studying Asstecs and more time researching designers. Ouch. Fern no likey Reco. It might be that crushed dream of being a stripper. Fern does add that he’s shown talent, though.
Glenda thinks Kenley’s collection was fashionable, but Fern is “over” leather bustiers. And bikinis. And hot pants. Poor Fern. Stop projecting. None of the other judges agree with her. No one really thinks she has construction skills, and Glenda reminds them it’s not a popularity contest. Huh? I wonder if they cut out Fern calling Kenley the c word or something, cuz that came out of nowhere.
The three the audience chose to go to the end are Kenley, James Pole, and Yarn!! OUCH RECO! I would have been shocked last week, but after seeing his collection I’m not. He is graceful about it, and hugs James Pole. He tells us that he was in it for the money and he wouldn’t have changed a thing. Fern and Eyesack telling him that they expected more from him “is some buuuulsheat.” Did you guys vote? I say Yarn FTW! Next week, the winner of the Judges 10,000 and of the whole shebang will be announced, and we get the reunion too!! In the meantime, congratulations, strippers of Chattanooga! You won’t have to go naked for awhile! Until you take off that feather duster, at least.