Fashion Show: Normal People Are Fat and Ugly and Should Only Wear Black. Or Kill Themselves.

This week on the Fashion Show, there is a very important decision to be made. Should you reward the untalented one, the flake, or the untalented flake?

You decide who’s who.

You might have been asking yourself just how Reco gets that tiny thin line right above his lip. No? You don’t care? Well it takes some serious ARTISTRY, people.

If I don’t look like like I binged on hair pie all weekend, I haven’t done my job.

Reco isn’t only a master of cheese ghetto pimp facial hair from the early 70′s, he’s also a master of, that’s right, the English language. “Lass week, Lidia shoulda went home. Her craftsmanship was the absolute foo!” Dearest Bravo, please get rid of Not Beyonce and get some Reco on Film judging action. Love, Flipit.

Dem shoes was huh whaaaa, bitch! You hangin on here by a threads!

After rolling his head and saying “hated it!” a lot and doing round the world snaps, he finally gets to the real meat of his bitterness. Underoo was the only decent meat around, and now he’s gone. I agree. Let’s all take a moment to remember Underoo.

Time for the mini-challenge. Laura Brown zips in the work room like she’s very very busy and doesn’t really have time for this bs. Every shot of her is a wide crazy/evil ice eyed, hair blowing with movement action shot.

VERY busy, k?

I think Isaac is getting tired of this show. Or just tired. His eye bags are no longer concealable. Poor eye sacks.

EyeSack scrunches his face and looks all thoughtful and stutters his line out. OMG you guys he’s totally coming up with this tripe off the cuff. What a talent. He tells the designers that being great sometimes means being like a secret agent. WTF?

Octomangina

If being a designer is like being a secret agent, then could someone please go deep undercover and find out what the hell EyeSack is doing wearing a Milli Vanilli jacket from the eighties with a random flap hanging off it? And also what happened to that disappearing plane. Thanks.
He shows off a fug ass dress that he rolled out of bed and pinned together for his fall collection, and no one reacts so he says “I love it!” Still, no one reacts. Perk up people, or Not Beyonce’s gonna have to not sing not one of her singles. I at least expected the Yarn lady to say something.

He stole my pleating detail!

The dress is a drug addict’s dream, so of course that little weirdo James Pole from Londony London thinks it’s amazing. He loves pleating, you see. Angles. He has studied an ancient form of pleating. Wow. Cave men invented the wheel, and they also paved the road for Dockers.

So not thinning. Thanks a lot cavemen! Jerks.

James Pole is less excited when he finds out that instead of showing off his ancient pleating detail, he will just have to sketch a dress from memory. I am disappointed too. I was really psyched to see the original Dockers.
All the designers study EyeSack’s dress. The cummerbund belted vertically, the extra fabric pinned to the shoulder, the Stevie Nicks crazy ass just did a roadie and ate a pizza hem…BUT WAIT! Not Beyonce takes the dress form away and EyeSack shocks us all. It’s not his piece of fug they’ll be sketching! That was just a quick product placement bit to remind us that he is a professional and not just some crazy queen off the street trying to make Tim Gunn face. They will have to sketch Not Beyonce’s dress! And she left! And no one pays any attention to her cuz she’s dull as dishwater! If I was there I would sketch Beyonce in one of her giant hipped mermaid ensembles and call it a day.
I had to rewind to see what Not B was wearing, which is sad. For my brain cells, and for dull ass Not B. I could tell you what EyeSack’s wearing. I could tell you what Haaarpers Bazaaaar is wearing. Can’t explain the meaning of it, but I could sketch it.

No one seems to remember what the hell Not B was wearing, or even her being there. There’s a murmur of excitement, like Beyonce’s not here? YAY! WHERE? Haven claims to remember, but Haven claims a lot of bs. Mexican Jay thinks he remembers the belt, and Keith, our Disappointed Midwestern Mom, says he only remembers her hair. “I liked it! It was straight!” It’s always straight, but it’s nice that someone noticed. Better late than never.

If only you did your hair like that every day you might find a nice man with a job to take you in and talk you into going to college. SO DISAPPOINTED!!

Kenley has already found someone to blame for her suckage, and she hasn’t even sucked yet. Typical. She says James Pole’s head was blocking Not B the entire time. Yeah well your face is blocking my enjoyment of this show, skank. Life sucks.

One of these will be cut out and used as the paper doll that will cohost next next season.

EyeSack is mortified that Disappointed Midwestern Mom made a peacock green dress. LOL. Come on, people, she looked like an updated Betty Rubble. How hard can that be? Reco says “dude, is you colah bline? Seesly!”

I gave up my life for you kids. FOR WHAT?!?

Not B comes back in and everyone groans like they paid a hundred bucks for a Broadway show and the announcer introduced the understudy. Poor Not B. MexiJay, Wednesday Addams, and Kenley are the top three sketches. MexiJay got the belt perfect. In unrelated news, he makes me cry inside every time he comes on screen. Someone needs to get this guy a loofa and some bleach. And most likely a z pack. The rest of his sketch was wrong. EyeSack is amazed at his belt memory, and calls him the idiot savant of belts. LOL. MexiJay doesn’t know what that means, so he just smiles and projects stank on everyone.

I’m not gonna lie. I need a beer.

Kenley did ok on the top, but the bottom was too full. She takes the criticism really well.

Boy George does NOT like to be questioned, k?

Wednesday did a commendable job, but the winner is…Kenley!! Her attitude disappears.

Yikes. Way cuter angry.

That dress form has nice arms.

Kenley totally agrees with her win, and says that when she saw everyone else’s sketches, she knew she was the best. That’s why she preemptively came up with an excuse to blame James Pole. Man, no matter what the show or what the season, Kenley is just a plain ole asshole.

Kenley gets a special prize for winning this challenge. Immunity? No! A Ford Focus? Yeah right. Even that’s not a cheap enough prize for this show. She will get to choose anyone she wants to be in the bottom three during eliminations. That kind of power is only fun when a egotistical narcissist wields it, so it’s kind of a win for all of us. YAY!
Merlin is already huffing and puffing and lisping and sweating, cuz he knows his loose ass is sure to be on that block. As he so eloquently puts it, “thad gonna be me, and thad gonna be me.” Now let’s take a journey to NY Model Management, otherwise known as The Bag Of Bones Factory.

Stop animal testing! Use these skanks!

EyeSack tells the designers that this is a very busy, very in demand company and it’s where the show gets all the models. You can’t just get twenty year olds with knock knees and osteoporosis anywhere, you know.
To prove his point, EyeSack gives us a shot of the secretary pool. Yes, very very busy. Even though noone’s computer seems to be on.

I wonder if these are gonna be the models…NAH!

Eye Sack tells us that this show is all about making wearable clothes for real women.

Real working women. With no taste.

Why, what ever do you mean by real women, EyeSack? Instead of just saying the word “fat”, he brings up Donna Karan’s designs. According to him, her clothes “hug a woman and actually enhance and hide the imperfections.” Huh? Why enhance what you’re hiding? Nonsensical explanations aside, we all understand his body language.

Fat bitches. Questions?

By the way, why is the lighting on this show so unflattering? You can’t even see poor Not B most of the time.

That could be Rudy from The Cosby Show, for all we know.

Wait a second!! When Not B announces the “real women”, they are the secretary pool! WIZHUUUHH? I didn’t see that one coming! And they’re not even fat. LAME. If you’re gonna rip off Project Runway, do it right!!

These women are not real. They are just hungry secretaries/extras. BOOOOO.

The designers freak out anyway, because they’ve seen PR and know that’s what’s expected of them. MexiJay says he’s so worried cuz “I don’t work with real people.” LOL. Just loan them one of your evening wear bathrobes and that bowler hat and you’ll be fine, PigPen. James Pole also freaks, and says this will be the death of him. Like you can’t put a fucking rectangle on a real person. He says these women are “very normal” and he doesn’t do normal. “I’ve shunned it in my life.” You’ve also shunned drinking water and nightly face scrubs and you ended up with Chinese Chicken Salad Pizza face. Maybe it’s time to change your ways, ass.

I’m sure Wolfgang Puck is very proud to have his famous pizza shown off on national TV, but maybe you should watch who you’re dissing, little man.

He doesn’t stop there. When he gets his model, he tells us what a typical American she is, in other words he basically says that she’s a fug fat bitch and “it’s like asking Jesus Christ to like work with Satan.” WOW. I hope his real woman gets a whiff of his nasty attitude, cuz bitch can break his bony pockmarked ass in two with her fingers.

Disappointed Midwestern Mom is psyched with his cute model, cuz his dream is to make Moms across America take pride in their looks instead of being slaves to their bratty ungrateful children. They have a budget of two hundred smacks, and are sent off to plan with their models. Merlin wastes no time confusing his.

What are my options?

First off, his model is freaking adorable. Look at her! She says that her biggest problem is that her boobs went from b’s to double d’s. LOL. That’s your problem? More than half of American women would love to suffer from that tragedy. She also complains that her hips are getting lower, but whatevs. She’s gorge and already knows how to dress herself just fine. Merlin says that this is gonna be really hard and he’s gonna have to pull out some serious magic for this one. PUHLEEZE. You put a bag of bones in a fucking Indian Reservation Casino Gift Shop muumuu last week. Get over yourself. The magic is your getting on TV in the first place.
Kenley gets a woman in her late thirties. The woman already has cute hair, good makeup, and obviously works out to keep a cute figure. HOW DIFFICULT! SHE’S older! She kinda looks like a retired Paige Davis from Trading Spaces.

But less annoying.

All she asks is that Kenley makes something comfortable. This throws Ken for a loop. She tells us her real woman is “not inspiring me” and finds her personality uninspiring too. Meanwhile, Kenley is in a Punky Brewster beret with a gold curtain hanging around her neck for no reason. Actually, there is a reason. Because she’s ARTISTIC. This idiot inspires me. TO HATE.
Haven’s model is a feisty black girl who says she loves her body and her favorite part of it is her big ass. LOL. OK I love this girl. As she talks about how much pride she has in her rockin bod, Haven looks her up and down disgustedly.

I look goooood, right? Can I get a what what?


What? What? How am I gonna work shoulder pads into this outfit?

The girl loves her big ass, but Haven sees it as her biggest problem. She vows to work with it anyway. How generous of you. James Pole’s Amazon Mariah Carey model says that her biggest problem is that she has broad shoulders. So what does he do? He sketches a tuxedo jacket with shoulder pads. What a fucking idiot. Disappointed Midwestern Mom is the sweetest of the bunch, telling his model that his job is a cinch cuz she’s perfect. And she really is. These real women all have pretty rockin bods.
When the models leave, Kenley and Haven let the fur fly. They bitch about how hard it is to work with such giant asses. Coming from such average looking, stupid, personality free hacks, this is pretty rich. UGH. Their ugliness is through and through. Kenley kinda freaks when she sees that Reco is already onto cutting his pattern while she’s trying to make a big fake dress form ass. It’s a beautiful thing when she starts sobbing.

LOL

Angel, our favorite Fabric Cancer causing designer, tells us that poor Kenley is fresh out of school and doesn’t understand that a talented designer should be able to create something flattering and beautiful for any body shape. That was the sweetest slap down I have ever seen on reality TV. Go, Fabric Cancer!
The next morning, Kenley makes herself feel better by spying on Merlin and making an evil plan to put him in the bottom three. Shocker. EyeSack and Not B come around to say nothing helpful. When they get to Merlin, EyeSack makes fun of his accent cuz he can’t understand him, and then he makes fun of him for using sequins for daywear in the first challenge and now using tweed for evening wear in this one. Merlin is laughing the whole time, until he understands that EyeSack is ragging on him pretty nastily. His smile drops. HAHA.

International sign for asshole.


Wayd a meenoot!

Kenley immediately starts complaining about her model, and EyeSack tells her to grow up and realize that in the real world her model is the average size. He calls her size-ist. THANK YOU. Kenley gets offended and claims he’s pegging her wrong, but he’s not buyin it. To prove she’s no bigot, she tells us that her model doesn’t just have a little fat, she’s “big all around.” Oh, ok. Much better. Especially when she’s NOT FAT AT ALL. In private time, Not B and EyeSack don’t get Merlin or Kenley, and they aren’t sure Disappointed Midwestern Mom can pull through on this one. I think they say that every single time.
Reco comes over to MexiJay and says it looks like he’s designing for a tranny’s body. Only problem is, no tranny would be caught dead in that horrible fucking outfit. Wow. That’s really really bad. Even for MexiJay.

Only MexiJay could make a dress form look like it hasn’t bathed in a month.

The models come in for fittings, and they aren’t used to having to fake excitement for really bad designers. Midwestern Mom’s model just goes “okaaaay…”LOLOLLL. Reco, our little Men on Film truth teller, says “Adios! I’ll holla atcha at the reunion show!” HA.

You are gonna be the prettiest Indian bride EVAH!

Fabric Cancer is also in a pickle, but unlike Disappointed Midwestern Mom, she knows it, calls a Mulligan, and starts all over.

Good move.

I’m surprised she didn’t go with a shirt dress dyed with cancer attracting dye, but she might just do that after all. She can’t lose this one! She used to work for Donna Karan!
The next morning, James Pole flat irons his greasy hair while Merlin irons his black outfit, “cuz ees funeral day!”

Secret Agent Tran

The designers arrive at the show and get to work. Kenley says she’s not sure about her work, but she hopes her oompa loompa shows up with a smile on her face no matter what. How can she not with such a sweet partner? Ooh look! The stars are arriving!

And they say royalty is dead. It’s limping, botoxed and pathetic, but it’s still living. Thanks, Bravo!

Glad to see someone from The Bad Girls Club back on TV.

Disappointed Midwestern Mom isn’t getting any luckier the closer showtime gets. His fit is wrong and he’s freaking out and generally disappointed. Merlin can’t squeeze his girl into the skirt, and Fabric Cancer has an unfinished hem. Once again, 80 percent of these fools are gonna bone it. YAY! Showtime!!
Disappointed Midwestern Mom’s look is out first. His real woman can’t walk in her heels, and predictably, it’s bad. But not as bad as we were led to believe. The boobs look mushy and squashed, but he’s done waaaay worse than this. And his model looks gorge.

As the designers watch from the greenroom, Reco looks around like “EW!!”

Fern doesn’t think it accentuates anything positive, unlike the fungus tent she’s wearing. MexiJay is next. To minimize his model’s figure, he has made a slanted skinny girl shape out of a Glade label and pasted it on top of a tight black dress. Fugly and frankly offensive. Let’s just pretend you don’t exist and you can wear a skinny person. Coming from a fat guy, this is just plain wrong. And really, really fucking ugly.

There’s a pink zipper up the side that’s ragged and poorly attached. EyeSack says it looks like The Real Housewives of Naomi Campbell. Huh? What does that even mean? The other judges laugh anyway, cuz he’s gay and bitchy so it must be funny.
Our yarn loving cat lady, Ana, is next. Her dress should be cute. She chose a flattering shape and good colors, but it bunches up all over the place and doesn’t fit right, and the cut of the sleeves does her model no favors. She looked better in her office clothes.

The more shots we get, though, the worse this looks. There’s a bizarre striped pouch on the front to accentuate her girl pooch. WHY GOD?

Show off that baby maker.

Just in case you don’t get how hideous that thing is, let me show you again.

Kenley has doubled her model’s size. The poor girl had a great figure in her office clothes, but now looks stocky and extremely hippy. The jacket and collar are cute, and so is the skirt. Just not flattering. It looks finished and well executed, though, which puts her in the lead so far. Dammit.

She’s not a supermodel, so douse her in black. If you’re not a size zero you have no right to wear color. Or Live.

The dress can be undone in the middle to make it even more unflattering.

You can look fat or fatter. Thanks, Kenley!

Haven pulled out her best work yet. She flatters her model’s body and made a pretty sweet belt and neckpiece. I didn’t know you had it in you, girl! Still think you’re a total shithead, but I appreciate the lack of shoulder pads.

A lot of her pleats are wrong and dimply, but overall she did a great job. EyeSack likes that she didn’t force a girl with big hips into black. THANK YOU. James Pole is next, and it’s really great to see that he completely fucked this challenge up. That’s what you get, jerk off! Colors? Wrong. Fit? Not even close. Collar? Not even trying to be even. Just. WRONG. I feel for his model, though, cuz she seems very nice and this can’t help her self esteem.

Someone attacked the Amazon in the copy room.

He tells us that he doesn’t believe someone’s movement should be an entity. WHAT? This is the biggest bunch of morons ever assembled. He thinks he lost his voice in this challenge. LOL that’s a cute way to put it. You’ve still got your voice, and it’s still way off key. Go back to London already and learn the accent so you can use it for more than every other word, poseur.
Wednesday Addams did some kind of office suit skirt dress with attached blouse thing, and it looks pretty cute. The hips are a bit bunchy, which I don’t get, but last week giant hips won Reco the challenge so what do I know? It looks great on the model, and the pink satin back is really perty. Way to make a comeback, Wednesday!

Fern loves it, and so do I. And now for Merlin. The tweed jacket is kinda hack and five years ago, but it’s well done and looks great on the model. The skirt? WOW.

NOT. OK.

Merlin’s personality is one of the things that makes me stick with this show, but man. He needs to get sent home over that skirt. That’s just mean. Fabric Cancer went back to her her normal style for her second go round, and she kicked ass considering she got it done in five hours. It’s kinda an unfinished mess, but it still looks better than most everything else that’s come down the runway. Not that that’s saying much. Atta girl!

Reco did a denim seventies high waisted skirt thing with a hick jacket and a ruffled red shirt. It’s well made, and his model is adorable. I kinda wanna see the look burned, but I can see how someone would buy that. On a Sunday family trip at JC Penny.

The jacket comes off, and the entire outfit improves. Reco only knows how to make shit look good when it’s being stripped off. Old habits are hard to break.

He cheers for himself loudly. LOL. The audience chimes in. Midwestern Mom gets an F, and the countess chick says something but I can’t hear her cuz all I can think is countess of what? Of where? WTF? Does the queen know about this bitch?
Some chick named Rebecca Weinberg is the guest judge, and she “dressed the girls of Sex and the City.” Yeah, who didn’t? That cast would have worn anything. Weinberg is very serious about fashion.

See?

EyeSack asks the designers if they even understood the challenge cuz it didn’t look like it. HAHA. The two that got the most votes were Kenley and Reco! Again. I kinda feel for Haven, cuz I thought she had a shot. Reco’s model loves her outfit and says she can wear it anywhere. Fern loves the ruffles and the detailed paneling. It looks way better close up. You can’t even see Kenley’s work in closeup, cuz the girl is against a black background. They all love her work, and think both of them flattered their models. Kenley wins!!! ARGHGHGHG. Ah well, at least this will make Reco bitchier. There’s a sunny side to every situation, mkay? Kenley tells us how confident she is. Riiiiight. If you weren’t an emotional wreck, you wouldn’t be here.
The other designers are called back on stage for Kenley to choose her pick for bottom three. She shocks everyone and chooses Fabric Cancer! SLAM!! Sure, she hates Merlin, but at the end of the day he’s no competition. Idiot. Fabric Cancer isn’t getting kicked off for that outfit. Kenley says the outfit is badly executed and thinks it’s unflattering to her problem areas. Ass. Hole. The judges chose Midwestern Mom and Merlin as their bottoms. How the hell did James Pole escape the bottom? HE WAS THE WORST BY FAR!!
The judges are mortified that Fabric Cancer let a dress with pins walk down the runway. EyeSack says she does look longer waisted, but now she has big hips. LOL. Midwestern Mom stands by his design, but EyeSack says it’s hack and plain. Fern says it’s baggy and ill fitting. Not B asks the model if she thinks she could buy it at a prom dress store, but she refuses to throw Mom under the bus cuz she likes her cookies and emotional support. Merlin is told no one would buy his look, and the model is mortified when Weinberg calls out her giant pooch. EyeSack doesn’t understand why he would make a jacket that accentuates boobs when the model wants smaller boobs. Merlin says what he does come from da hart so ees me like me!! MMMM….

I’m gonna kill that mother f er.

In private time, Not B says that Merlin just left his personality out, but they all agree that he’s worth keeping. Disappointed Midwestern Mom was most disappointing to Fern, and no one argues with her. Fabric Cancer blew, but it could have been good and she’s got talent. Sure enough, Disappointed Midwestern Mom is OUT!! Merlin cries, but I think it’s more for himself. EyeSack tells Fabric Cancer to do some soul searching. LOL.
Disappointed Mom thinks that Fabric Cancer was way worse than him and it’s sad to see him end on sour grapes. How disappointing! Next week, the fights begin and Merlin breaks down!! YAAAYYYY!!!