Fashion Show: Goodbye, Darlink

REAL life. REAL fashion. REAL people. REAL cheap. Welcome to The Fashion Show!

If this picture doesn’t sum up how REAL this all is, I’m at a complete loss.

As we all know, Harvey Weinstein wanted a million smacks or something per episode for Project Runway, so Bravo told him to suck it. These are tough times, after all. Instead of coughing up the dough, Bravo pulled five wrinkly dollars out of their pocket and called the producers of Groomer Has It to find another batch of bitches who can sew for the cameras. Groomer Has It, huh? Were the producers of the Snuggie infomercials booked, or what? I get trying to save money in 2009, but you gotta be careful what you skimp on. I bought lots of rolls of Ralph’s brand toilet paper instead of Charmin to save a couple of bucks and guess what? I got poop on my hand.
From what I can tell in the opening, Isaac is the Tim Gunn. Not to be outdone in the pretty but can’t speak English to save her ass department, Bravo has brought in one of the not Beyonce girls from Destiny’s Child to play Heidi Klum. Isaac is known for his documentary Unzipped (hilarious), being bitchy about people on talk shows, and bringing high fashion to the common girl at Target. And by high I mean on drugs. Good ones.

This poor girl probably got her ass beat the first day she showed up to school in this outfit.

 

 

 

Kelly Not Beyonce Rowland is known for not being Beyonce. She looks damn good though, in a horsefaced not as pretty as Beyonce kinda way. Watching her struggle to read her cue cards is painful, and you know it took like ten takes because Isaac already looks like he wants to put her through a pane of glass.

I want to dislike this show, just because it would be easier that way being a PR fan and all, but I don’t know if it is gonna be possible.

See?

You know Merlin’s gonna be fabulous, cuz he’s already being ripped off and it’s just the opening credits.

Bitch, you’re gonna need a cape to compete with Merlin, k? Have a seat.

Finally! A Mexican Jay!

Now let’s meet the designers. You know how sometimes you see someone and you immediately know that they have talent and undeniable charisma? Kristin doesn’t give me that feeling at all. She has Ellie May Clampett hair, a leather headband from some Indian reservation’s idea of Claire’s, and the same pink streak Alexis Grace got on American Idol when Simon told her people would only like her if she whored it up a bit.

She’s only twenty three years old and already has her own company. It’s called Organic Revolution. I tried to get info on it, but Google had nothing. Which means it must be huge. Organic clothes? I think that means cotton. Revolution! This girl wants to take us all back to a time before poly blends and pleather. She must be stopped.
James-Paul, pronounced James Pole (?) is an “experimental designer”. I have my fingers crossed that he pulls some bunsen burners out of his bag. He specializes in “postcolonial” fashion. I looked up postcolonial on Wikipedia and the only word on the entire page was “DEEP”. They were no help, so I turned to Pole to get his definition. Apparently, it means tights, bermuda shorts, shiny flowered scarves and platform flip-flops.

You have three mirrors and you still leave the house looking like that?

How…thinning.

Pole works for Vivienne Westwood and she’s taught him never to compromise your vision when you’re getting coffee at Starbucks for your boss. Merlin, the dude in the spandex and the cape, is next. He giggles and speaks in a thick Spangayish accent. He “never when to de school to learn de fashion.” You don’t say. He’s so proud of his bright red hat with glued on plastic jewels and feathers that he jerks it off every day before work.

There’s a pigeon on my windowsill watching this with a giant boner right now.

Lidia comes in, but only gets to say hi. She looks like Wednesday Addams all grown up and worn out. Reco is next. I have never seen Rico spelled like that before, but I’ve seen this queen before. On In Living Color’s Men on Film.

Hated it!

Reco is rolls his head, bugs his eyes and looks the camera up and down like it’s a piece of shit every time he opens his mouth. He tells us that he paid his way through college by designing clothes for strippers, which is funny cuz some girls pay their way through college by stripping. That’s one fascinating economy.

It’s Kelly Rowland! She paid her way through the school of not being Beyonce by stripping off gowns made by Reco! Small world.

He comes into the work room and is mortified by Merlin’s catsuit. The organic chick asks Merlin if he does tricks and he puts his ankles behind his ears and his fist in his mouth. She meant magic tricks, silly. Get it? Merlin?

LOL

Johnny D is next, and he’s got a baldhawk. Dammit I’ve already used that nickname! Nothing like grasping at your youth by wearing a hairstyle the kids wore five years ago. When you’re bald. His head is giant, and is very nicely moisturized. That’s all I can really say cuz he’s only on for five seconds.

You don’t look a day over an extremely shiny forty six.

When Laura comes in, Reco looks her up and down and rolls his head and snaps “and you are?” She laughs and takes his tude lightly. She has to. She’s an “eco-friendly” designer. OH KISS MY ASS with all this fashion that’s good for the planet. Do you think the Earth wants you walking around in potato sacks? NO. It doesn’t. It wants you in pleather, dammit, looking fabulous! Don’t embarrass the Earth with your granola ass fashion. And for Jehosaphat’s sake, woman, put on some makeup.

Guess what’s not good for the environment? TVs! HYPOCRITE!

And now for the prettyish one. Keith. He designs evening wear and dresses. The editors get tired of him in like two seconds, and then enters Mexican Jay, Johnny. He’s a fashion school dropout with a pompom on his head and a bathrobe. He wears his giant sunglasses inside, cuz he’s “hellabetter, seriously”.

Homeless gay crack whores with ballet fetishes need a voice in fashion, too.

Guitars start playing when Haven enters. Yes, Haven. Like tax haven. Or Burger Haven. Wait. That’s Burger Heaven. MMMmmmm burgers. Unlike the other women so far, she’s spent an hour on her long blonde hair and wears makeup that’s…sensible. Uh-oh! Kill the debutante!

Markus drolly tells us that he went to Central St. Mar-en’s in London, which is the best school for fashion ever built ever. They taught him how to sew and how to pronounce only certain words in a cockney accent. He’s baldhawk’s giant forehead twin.

Anna is next, and she’s a knitwear designer. The kinda pretty guy looks disgusted by her. I blame the layers of knitted clothes.

Giant Cat Toy Designer

Angel is very innovative. She works with UV activated inks that work in the sunlight. Huh? Don’t UV rays give you cancer? Can fabrics get cancer? From her work clips, it doesn’t look like she does anything but dyed muumuus. Innovatively and cancerously.

In the sun, this girl looks like she’s wearing panties.

Daniella’s next, and she’s a recent grad of London College. She’s wearing a beret, which can be a turnoff, but she seems normal, cool, and has the best work shots so far. Andrew’s got the best job out of all of them. He designs mens underwear. He’s gonna last a long time. His friends call him the PantyChrist. LOL.

This is a real job? Wow.

Organic Clampett tells us it feels like she’s in the most surreal camp ever, what with the PantyChrist, the boy in the wooden shoes and Merlin. “Where did they find these people?”

Glass houses are good for the environment.

The doors slide open and in walk Not Beyonce and Isaac! Reco unlocks his jaw to swallow them both whole.

NotB says “over the years I have set front row to many fashion shows.” LOL. You set front row to them? What a dipshit. Isn’t there anyone to write sentences out for her? I know we’re saving money here, but come on. Put a PA on it. Isaac says this competition is about “creativity, construction, wearability,sell-ability and serious budget constraints.” NotB announces that the prize will be a hundred and twenty grand, to be paid out over a period of 900 years. “And the winner will have pieces stoled on Bravotv.com”. I can’t wait to see who gets their pieces stoled! I love a good mystery.
Reco tells us that he needs to win so he can move his broke ass out of his parents house before he goes nuts. I’m sure they’re really gonna be sad when their adult son gets a job instead of washing jackets he found on the street in their kitchen sink full of acid.

No, really. Stay forever. Keep your parents proud.

Their first round in the Harper’s Bazaar Mini-Challenge is to…wait. So there’s a mini challenge and then an elimination challenge? That’s totally unique. Project Runway should copy that. The first challenge is the Mini Black Dress Challenge. They will have to make a cute cocktail number of a black t-shirt and they only have an hour to work. The UV muumuu fabric cancer dye-ist is like “just add a belt. And UV rays.” GO!
Everyone gets to ripping and hot glue gunning. The crazy cat lady knitwear designer, who I will refer to as Yarn from now on, gets to sewing. On Meriln’s machine. Yay! If there’s anyone I wanna see lose their shit, it’s Merlin. He reserved that machine by putting white boots on it, but Yarn didn’t know that’s how people reserved things. Hello! Boots! On a table!! DUH! Haven’t you ever been to a nice restaurant before?

When my cats take ownership of something, they have the class to pee on it.

Merlin is on the verge of a hissy fit, but doesn’t complete the task. BOOOO. Yarn tells him to calm down, but doesn’t stop sewing. HAHA. Merilin’s giant feather swings all over the place harder and harder the angrier he gets. She gets so annoyed with him lisping spit all over her that she sicks one of her cats on his t-shirt.

Oh no she deeden! My fayther lost heez eregshcian!

Some lady from Harper’s Bazzaaaarrr, Laura Brown, is there to judge. I hope she starts with Haven’s outfit. She looks like she joined the cast of Chicago but felt all black was too depressing.

She Has It Comin’

Lidia used purple thread to do stitch patterns on her shirt, and Brown calls it “Holly Hobby”. Then she moves on to Reco’s dress, which looks like a one piece swimsuit with a hole in the front, and calls it perfect for Vegas. LOL. She thinks Mexican Jay’s dress is good for getting in a car crash cuz you have a built in airbag. His smile drops off his face so fast he turns into Droopy Dog right before our very eyes. I think his dress would be good on the plane cuz if you’re in a window seat you have a built in pillow to lean on. It’s actually a good idea.

Brown likes both Keith (the kinda pretty one) and Merlin’s dresses because they’re classy and well done, but James Pole still has safety pins all over the back of his and he’s attached a garment bag to the bottom. Wow. There are three winners: Merlin, Kinda Almost Pretty, and Mexican Jay! Sure it looked like an airbag, but a classy airbag I guess. I have to say, this cast is pretty wacked out but they came up with some good work for a first challenge.

Whoever wears Kinda Pretty’s dress better wear panties or their hoohaw’s falppin’ all about.

 

 

 

Haven looks really happy for them.

My daddy’s coming after you. ALL OF YOU!

The three winners will be team captains for the Team Challenge! YAY TEAMS!! This group is gonna work great together, you can just tell. Please put Merlin with Yarn!!

Gross.

Merlin is so scared of working with others that he puts on his helmet. In the ARMY, you’d need something bullet proof for battle, but he knows in this group of tree huggers no one’s gonna shoot a raccoon.

He killed Gizmo!! Get him!

Needless to say, Merlin is mortified that he has to work with anyone, and he gets to pick his own team. Imagine if he had no say. I would advise him to man up, but that seems like a stretch. The captains won’t be picking their team members by name, they’ll have to pick their black dresses. Poor James Pole. Mexican Jay chooses Reco first, which doesn’t surprise Reco at all cuz he’s got mad sewing skillz. Kinda Pretty takes Organic Clampett, and Merilin takes UV dye lady, who I guess we can call Fabric Cancer for now. MexiJay takes the dress that looks like it was just in a socialite hair pulling fight.

Merlin takes James Pole cuz he’s doing something “new and frashe”. Yes, the dress with the safety pins and the garment bag bottom. Yikes. Well, who’d you expect the guy in the catsuit to pick? Pole is excited to be chosen, even though he has a hard time getting under the feather.

Bridge to Nowhere

The feather doesn’t like the semi normal’s girl beret, either, and tries to take it off her.

Then everyone else is chosen. We’ll see the teams as they go on, no need to make this recap nine hundred pages. Yarn is chosen second to last, and she figures it’s cuz her dress sucked. I blame all the yarn she’s wearing. Lidia Addams is chosen last, but she takes it well and vows to prove herself.

I eat a spider egg and suck blood from my index finger and boom bam I ween!

Isaac tells the designers that every season there is one “must have” item. This is something that’s trendy and can go with anything in your closet. Gizmo fur hat. DONE. Merlin wins! They will have to create five looks around this one garment. Then we get our first good shot of Eco Friendly Witch. Yikes. Wednesday Addams a Witch on the same show. Expect fireworks. And baby sacrifices.

I just prayed for the first time this week. Thanks, Eco Friendly Witch!

MexiJay decides that the must have item for his team will be a pair of harem pants, which turn out to be MexiJay’s way of saying hammer pants. LOL. In what time period and country and world are hammer pants must have? It’s all he showed in his work samples, and now he’s going to force these fug ass pants onto his team. For those of you who don’t know what Hammer pants are, they’re like pajama bottoms with a crotch that goes down to the ankles. Guys with giant balls need to go out in public occasionally too, I guess.

MexiJay says that he wants hammer pants, but really tailored and refined. If by refined you mean cut the crotch up to normal height and make them look like not hammer pants at all, then you might be onto something there. Reco has one thing to say about this idea, and he says it by bugging his eyes out.

Kinda Almost Pretty’s team is almost derailed by stupid ideas. Organic Clampett’s idea is to make a tube dress. Kinda Almost tells her flat out that that idea is ridiculous and could fail. She pouts as he blathers on about a pencil skirt. Finally, they decide to make a tube skirt, Units style. Wow what a great idea Kinda Almost! That was kinda almost your idea! It’s hilarious how everyone pretends that Organic Clampett had nothing to do with the idea. Now that Kinda Almost has come up with it he thinks it’s brilliant. When it fails miserably, it will go back to being hers.

Uh wait…

Semi Normal girl is on Merlin’s team and nos everything people come up with. Not in a mean way, in a helpful way. A vest? Uh no. It’s not 1987. A blazer? Uh no cuz that’s not really must have. A bolero jacket? YES! THAT’S IT! The only place a bolero jacket is must have is on the outdoor set of Viva! El Paso! Even worse, the one who came up with that harebrained idea is James Pole, the same guy who just put safety pins and a garment bag on a t-shirt. Why the hell would anyone let the guy in tights even talk in a group setting? I smell dooom. Semi Normal has taken off her beret thing for her diary room time, and now she just looks like a tired banker or real estate lady.

We buy ugly houses.

I’ve got an idea! Just make whatever Fabric Cancer’s wearing! It’s adorable.

Everyone is on board with the bolero jacket idea, which is painful. Semi Normal’s input? “We should use Navy. It’s a good color right now cuz it’s not black.” And I thought I wasn’t gonna learn anything from this show. Why not use orange? It’s not red, you know. Everyone agrees to Navy, but in the fabric room, Merlin starts to change his mind. He starts sniping about how ugly navy will make everything, and he’s right. He gathers the group together and says they need to pick a better color. Semi Normal won’t back off though and says they already agreed on the color. He snaps “I da leader!”, but guess what he buys? NAVY. Head slap.

How could you not listen to advice from the guy in a parka and a Hot Dog on a Stick hat?

Things are going swimmingly on Kinda Almost Pretty’s tube skirt team, and his midwestern accent is really cute. He has the eeya sound on his a’s and I love it. “It’s gonna be greeyate!” Merlin’s team is still struggling, though, cuz Semi Normal Bank Lady won’t let anyone get a word in. Merlin wants to make the jacket short, but she thinks it’s too hoochie mama. Bolero jackets are short. You just called every Mariachi band member in America a whore. Nice. Merlin gets pissy, but I am guessing he will give them their way even though he knows “it weel looks like granny.”
After their two hours of prep, they go to their apartment. This is definitely a place they skimped on. Damn it’s tiny. Bunk beds one after the other in teeny rooms. That’s gonna be one gamy ass apartment. The next day in the workroom, things start getting ugly. And yes, I’m referring to the bolero jacket. I didn’t understand that they all had to make a jacket, I thought just one jacket had to go with five looks. Wowee. Why would you pick any jacket when they’re the hardest thing to make? The tube skirt team is looking like a bunch of brainiacs right now. Merlin whines and moans and throws mini fits throughout the day. He hates the jacket. He’s not wrong, but it’s his team and he let this all happen. So oh wah, Mary. He’s also not wearing a catsuit today so I’m not liking him as much.
He whines that the jacket looks dated and Semi Normal Banker tells him that the simpler and slicker it is, the younger it’s gonna look. He’s all “Who tole you dat?” LOL. Her answer? “I’m 22.” He doesn’t even pause before snapping back.

Bwahahahahah

He waves his finger at her and says “I leader no you!” and decides to take a stand by slashing his jacket, which means everyone else has to do it too so they all match. Please don’t let him get kicked off. He’s my reason for living right now. He ends his tirade with

Sexism is ok if you’re more effeminate than the woman you’re talking to.

Semi Normal says “male? Where?” LOL. OK I think I love this show. Isaac and NotB come in to check on progress, and Isaac says that every runway show will have a live audience of “buyers” and “insiders” that will vote on the outcome. The winning look, or at least “a version” of it, will be available for download on iTunes. What does that mean? Isaac is so redoing all these outfits. Smart move.
Reco finished in the first four hours so he doesn’t need their advice. Isaac giggles about MexiJay choosing a satin harem pant as a must have piece, but isn’t impressed with the shoddy workmanship. Eco Friendly Witch shows off her badly sewn sleeveless top, and Haven’s not coming off so great either. She admits to not being very good at sewing, which is pretty stupid. Thankfully for her, Isaac moves on to the bolero team. Not one of their looks is working. Merlin gets bitchy and preemptively strikes against Semi Normal for the navy color choice. If the clothes weren’t so hideous all the way around, the navy might be an issue, but that’s not the case. James Pole’s look is way unfinished and crazy looking. He calls his draping “structural”, but it’s really just a lot of bunched up fabric that makes his dress form look like it’s had five children.

Don’t worry, you’ll have your normal stomach back in a few years.

 

 

 

Pole is worried that everyone was completely silent during his critique. He doesn’t know how to take it. It means you’re gonna win this whole thing, Pole! Time to break out some new tights for the Emmy’s! Do you know what should be a must have piece of the season? Isaac’s cowgirl bandana.

Must Have thought he was Loretta Lynne.

The tube skirts look cute, but they are too tight. Organic Clampett insists that the bony ass models are even tinier than the dress forms, but NotB says “it’ll take butter and a miracle to get that on me.” HAHAH. She asks the team if they’re communicating to make sure that the looks will make a cohesive collection, and Organic turns on her team by telling the truth. She says no they are only “communicating-ish” and it’s not as put together as she thought it would be. Damn. I wouldn’t be talking like that about people I had to sleep in such close proximity to. Seriously, that apartment looks like a kennel.
Isaac and NotB take a look at the entire collection and aren’t convinced. Isaac is on his first day so he’s not being bitchy yet. His face is, though.

That scrunch just said everything.

NotB and Isaac go into the hallway to whisper gossip. He’s worried. There’s no teamwork on Merlin’s team, the harem pants team is at least cohesive, and he doesn’t approve of the double fabric on the tube skirt team. Back in the workroom, Kinda Almost Pretty is telling Organic Clampett off in the nicest, most relaxed way ever. He says that he’s surprised she’s the one who has complaints cuz they went with her idea. Oh now she gets credit, cuz it doesn’t work. Told ya! She says she didn’t mean to be a dick, but tells us that she expects everyone to come up to her standards. Riiight. Does she have giant fake boobs? Cuz that would be ironic for someone named Organic.

The next morning, the designers try not to freak out at their apartment waiting to be called for the show. Merlin is in another gem. He looks like that time on BB where Sheila and Jen got stuck in the red unitard for a week.

I ween endurance chaylange or some person gonna make bleed.

We get our first shot of the runway, and it’s pretty symbolic.

How is this not pink?

James Pole says this is his first American fashion show, and he’s nervous how the audiences are going to take his work. Not to worry, kid. We love safety pins in this country. Backstage, the Tresseme queens are hard at work. One guy asks if his assistant could hand him the Tresseme brand brush, please. LOL. Thanks for specifying. I wasn’t sure who was sponsoring.

Uh oh you have some Tressesplitends. We’re gonna need to use some Tressescissors to do a Tressetrim or you’re gonna be a Tressaster.

 

 

The live studio audience enters. You know they are fashion insiders from this shot of gold tights. Who else would wear gold tights besides a fashion person? Or Adam Lambert?

Fashion is some deep shit.

Fern Mallis is one of the judges. You might remember her as the bigger lady who doesn’t say much when she guests on Project Runway. She’s sitting next to a guest judge and I would think he’s her sans makeup if they weren’t sitting right next to each other.

Before the Tresseme makeover.

After the Tresseme makeover.

Pole! I am your fazuh!

Markus’ heart is going boomboomboom, but thankfully he has a sweater to wrap around his shoulders. Nothing makes a boy feel more secure than dressing like a prissy a hole from the Country Club.

Just like on PR, we are treated to five minutes of “OMG WE’RE NOT GONNA FINISH” mayhem backstage. “The purple will take away from the gorgeous design! Please, for all that’s holy, use the black boot!” Finally, it’s time for the fashion show. Reco’s hammer pant design is out first, and it’s pretty sweet. The jacket is adorable over a simple grey t, and the purple satin looks great. Unfortunately it’s a hammer pant, but that’s not his fault. It should also be noted that he made a bolero style jacket, and did it right.

If clowns had a version of the Oscars, this would kill on the red carpet.

Eco Friendly Witch just made a cardigan and a headscarf, for the fashion forward women living under Sharia Law.

If this girl gets stoned, it won’t be cuz she didn’t do her best to look cute.

Her version of the simple grey t-shirt is all bunched up and fabricy at the bottom, and Isaac no likey. I didn’t even notice that at first because of the camel toe effect the pants create.
.

MexiJay did a grey blouse that’s really badly sewn and doesn’t fit the model right. He’s the team captain, and his pants look the worst so far. The best thing about his look is his model’s stomach. Dang, sista!

Isaac shakes his head. Haven did a futuristic blouse too, and she had to sew hers three times. She hates it, and for good reason. It’s a mess.

Markus did a formal top, and looks like Haven’s mess but it’s white with a sheer center. He’s smiling proudly as his model walks, but the blouse doesn’t fit right and the shoulders aren’t even cut evenly.

He should have put his sweater over her shoulders.

Maybe he meant it to look like that, but on closer inspection, I doubt it.

Actually just have her put the sweater on.

Isaac laughs with the other judges about hammer pants being a must have. That collection could have been badass if it was executed better, but it came off as a misshapen hodgepodge of bad sewing. Tube skirt team is next, and Organic Clampett’s up first. For a chick with such a big mouth, she sure made one hideous outfit. It’s fug from top to bottom. It would have a chance if the color choices weren’t so wrong. Red, white, tan and black with white shoes? Grrrrrl.

FortiesHawk is next, and his skirt is so tight that he’s turned his model into a knockneed wobbly walker. Watching models endure torture like this is one of the reasons I love these shows.

To this girl it’s a skirt, to the rest of us it’s a Chinese finger trap.

The judges groan about the obvious tightness of the skirt. Kinda Almost Pretty’s design is kinda almost pretty. Get rid of that belt.

Yarn is next, and I agree with Fern. Her dress is adorable, but the jacket doesn’t belong there. Guess she had to find a way to use those red shoes. Underwear Designer guy is next, and his skirt isn’t too tight! And his top looks gorge in an angular kinda way. Who knew?

Box of boobs.

Merlin’s Bolero team is last. Semi Normal Banker Lady made capri pants. Are people still wearing those? Her bolero doesn’t seem too long to me, but what the hell do I know? Not much. The sleeves are different colors. The model looks like a forty five year old trying to look hip. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Oh wait. The jacket is kinda long in the back. My bad.

Merlin says her outfit looks like it’s for an old stewardess, and it’s hard not to take him seriously dressed as the Holy Virgin.

Hayell, Mary

His dress is up next, and it’s pretty. Unfortunately, he added a giant flower on the belt. He needs to stop watching Sex and the City reruns on TBS. Banker Lady thinks it looks like a circus outfit, but Merlin is cheering for himself like he’s on a roller coaster.

UV dye Fabric Cancer’s outfit is ok. Her model looks like an office ho with super saggy boobs.

NotB isn’t impressed with the jacket. She thinks it needs to fall better. James Pole did a great job with his black dress and even added a dyke chain so the model doesn’t lose her keys.

The Munster girl did a super shiny top with a cone so the model wouldn’t bite her own butt on the runway. Smart. Butt addicted models are unappealing.

But it itches!

Audience reactions. Tiny eyebrow lady: MC Hammer is over and done with so let it go, k? Agreed. Jame’s Pole’s dad picked…James Pole as his favorite. Shocker. Blonde Chick: Sewing was overall pretty lame, but the middle group was ok. Rat faced “fashion expert”: the models were pretty and the styling was good. LOL. Backhanded much?

Where’s the cheese table?

The judges call the designers in to get reamed, and Merlin is now wearing an afghan he stole from Yarn’s suitcase and a hat from Bristol Palin’s hunting wardrobe.

Use a condom, girl.

Not Beyonce starts off the judging by getting attitude and telling them all that there wasn’t one must have piece that she cares to have. Snap, NotB! It’s pretty harsh all the way around. Fern says that there were good ideas but some sorry execution. Isaac says he was embarrassed and if any of them worked for him they would be fired immediately. Eco Witch has put on makeup, and she looks even more threatening with it.

A pox on your house!

The audience voted for their favorite team, and the judges will pick the winner out of that team. MexiJay’s team is safe. Hammer pants slid by? How is that possible? Merlin’s bolero team wins, and he jumps up and down and freaks out and gives us some bad English positivity. “You see, have faith in good work?”

Bumper sticker alert.

Double bumper sticker alert! Well done, Merlin!

Banker Lady hates his ass and doesn’t hide it on her face. Isaac calls her on it and she says that she doesn’t hate Merlin, but he told her to shut up and succumb to male domination.

Merlin insists that she misunderstood, but we have that shit subtitled, so he’s full of it. Isaac tells him to learn to say things without being rude, and Merlin kinda pouts, puts his hands on his cheeks, and shouts “DIOS MIO!” There were two outfits on his team that stood out, and they are his and James Pole’s. Banker Lady looks like she would cut herself right there if there was something sharp enough within reach. Isaac says the bolero looks the best in Merlin’s look. James Pole gets to describe his work, and he says he has a theory he’s been working on involving squares and rectangles. Reco and I have the same reaction. Haven is hilariously confused.

Asininity aside, Pole wins. That leaves tube skirt as the bottom team. Isaac doesn’t think the tube skirt idea is good, but it’s not bad either. The execution was just busted. NotB wants to know who the hell is gonna fit into that shit when the sacks of bones they hired can’t even wear it. The two worst looks were knock kneed anorexic and Organic Clampett’s bargain basement color nightmare. The guest judge can’t think of one occasion where her outfit would work. Fern is plain confused. Knock kneed anorexic designer was FortyHawk. The audience thought his model’s boobs look weird. He stutters out that he ran into problems with the chest. Isaac is more upset that the model had to be cut out of the skirt to pee. LOL. He says he’s a menswear designer and designed his own suit, and the judges love it. It’s unfair, but he might have just saved his own ass.

That suit makes him look like the kind of guy who would date a ho in this outfit.

In alone time, Fern thinks FortyHawk should go, but Guest likes the sexiness of his dress. NotB says they’re both hideous and she wouldn’t be caught dead in either. That’s a real slam, cuz she’s donned some seriously disgusting outfits over the years. They call the bottom two back in. Isaac thinks FortyHawk screwed up the best part of a woman (her brain?) and Clampett might not be ready for this.
FortyHawk is sent packing with a “We’re just not buyin’ it. Goodbye darlink!” LOL. I love that. A friend left that on my Facebook page and I thought “how rude.” I finally get it and am no longer mad at her. Not to be outdone on the cheesy out lines, NotB tells Organic Clampett that she’s still in the competition, “but you’re hanging by a thread.” FortyHawk cries and says that his friends thought he might have problems, but he was convinced that he could make it through the whole thing. Next time listen to your friends.
So what do you guys think? I was fully expecting to hate this show, but it’s basically PR with even bigger fuckups, if that’s possible. Just when you thought gay couldn’t get gayer! I’ll be back! Sound off.