American Idol: Ham or Twinkies?

Tonight, it’s between a gay ham and a yawny twink. I CAN’T BELIVE IT’S ALMOST OVER!

I will miss this sideways face.

Tonight’s final performance show begins with shots of what could have been, otherwise known as the I need to move cuz the people in my neighborhood look like this and I’m finally starting to get skerd montage.

The wheel of fugtion stops on Hambert in full on Liza mode.

Maybe this time, I’ll be happy, Maybe this time, he’ll staaaaayyyyyyyy!

He tells us that he is one in one hundred thousand!! DANG!! And they say Mary Kay obsessed show queens in Liza wigs are a dime a dozen. Hambert sure showed you, They! Then we get a shot of a ten year old hiding his bald spot with an Oliver Twist hat, but sideways so you know he’s got soul, mkay?

Please, mothufucka, can I have some more?

He tells us that he’s the voice in the crowd that needs to be heard. As long as we can look at you while we’re listening. And you don’t try to sing too high. And you promise to make sideways face a lot.
Ham’s a dreamer!
Krispy Twink is ready!
Ham is a supastah in the making!
Krispy is the next American Idol!
Ham is the next American Idol!
Whatevs. You know who’s not the next American Idol?

Askara the Hun

I’m sorry to have to arrest you, but the neighbors were complaining about the sounds of cats being tortured and general boredom, respectively.

Tink is using a handheld mic today instead of his lapel mic, cuz this is some serious shit. And THIS. Is American Idol!

I’m guessing we’re back at the Kodak Theater tonight, which is HUGE, so there will be lots of A list there.

Impressive!! I hope they got the youngest son from Good Times, too!

Hambert has already performed on this stage in that Moses musical, thank you very much. And it was a much bigger deal than American Idol. I think if you’ve already performed at the Kodak Theater in a musical alongside Val Kilmer in fat mode, you deserve to win automatically.

Dang Moses, lay off the KFC.

Skara looks like most of us do in 2009′s economy.

Do I have a job? Who do I gotta blow?

WAIT!! This year AI is finishing out it’s run in downtown’s Nokia theater, not the Kodak, like usual. My bad! Sorry, gonna have to take back Ham’s auto-win. I’m sure he’s crushed. Tink describes tonight’s showdown as “a battle of the acoustic rocker vs the glam rocker! Conway vs California! The guy next door vs. The guyliner.” I describe it as normal boring cheese vs really gay cheese. Like cheddar vs. camembert. I think hamembert will win cuz people like to feel fancy, but when they’re all alone in the grocery store they’re gonna purchase the cheddar. Why is everyone in the audience so damn shiny?

Let’s say hi to the judges!! Randy is all dressed up tonight. No really. A suit, a baby plaid shirt, and a polka dotted tie for the trial being held when the show lets out. Crafts services vs. Randy Jackson. Who keeps stealing all the croissants?

I am not a crook.

Miss El Paso rides by on her float promising to bring world piece by spreading fresh, cheap enchiladas all over the planet.

Paula Abdul shows up in a lime green kimonoish top, the biggest wig she’s ever worn, and a face that looks like a basketball thrown into a bonfire.

What smells like burnt rubber?

Simon’s in a button down shirt and a jacket!! WOWEE! This must be important, if the Brit sprayed on a tan and put on something that accentuates his cleavage.

He and Paula are the same color tonight, which means they probably spent the last week on vacation together having some relations. You’re welcome for the mental image. Why should Harper’s Island be the only show to gross you out on this site? We get lost of shots of the audience, and they’re all hilarious. Some of them look really confused, like they were bussed to the wrong show.

When does Dr. Oz come out? I wanna talk about the shape of my poopies.

And now, for Krispy and Ham!! They’re both in jeans and leather jackets. Boring! It’s the finale!! I wanted some assless chaps. Or some feathers. Something, come on!

KrispyHam. This season has led up to a delicious snack.

Tink asks if they’re ready, and they both say “totally.” Tink has flipped a plastic coin with each of their faces on one side, and Krispy won the toss and wants to go second. I want plastic coins with my face on them! I would give them to homeless people.
Each cheese plate will sing three songs tonight. One is their favorite from the season (LAME!!! LEARN SOMETHING NEW!), one will be chosen by Simon Fuller, The Other Simon (LAME!!! WHERE’S CLIVE?!? So he farts a lot and just talks about loving Whitney the whole time. Who cares? I WANT MY CLIVE!), and a special American Idol finale self help crapfest of a song, written by SKARA!!! YAAAAYYYYYYY! I hope it’s about needing to look for a job cuz nothing lasts forever.
Tink tells us that tomorrow night there will be a two hour finale with so many stars that they will be going long. Great. He warned us. Now I have no excuse not to recap the extra fifteen minutes of Fantasia going through the audience asking for change while a Judd sister hobbles onstage and sings one of her hits from twenty years ago.
Tink always has some pretty hilarious mouth moves as he works, but tonight he is going for a gold medal. This is him pronouncing the word “on”.

He asks, was Hambert born with his vocal prowess? His dad says yes, as a baby Ham would scream through the night, just like he does now. But his wigs were butcher.

Ham is singing “Mad World” again. This time, he rises up from the stage in a priests robe, I think. I can’t tell, cuz for the first part of the song he’s just a creepy dark figure wafting on clouds. Very artistic, AI. It looks like a horror movie, where the villain is a demon who kills old ladies and steals their eyebrow pencils.

The Tale of Satan Kay

His vocals are soft and beautiful, which I will cling to for the rest of the nite cuz you know from here out it’s gonna be sounds of busses screeching to a stop and little girls getting their pig tails pulled out. He gives the song a few extra runs and tweaks, but pretty much delivers the same goodness he did the first time. This time in an overcoat. Are overcoats from the fifties rock now? I listen to the lyrics and just think, dude, you’d be less depressed in a nice light linen shirt. It’s summer for f’s sake. He ends with what is supposed to be a soft vulnerable look that cracks me up. His orange face looks lovely against a blue background.

Oh shit. I forgot to rinse off the Veet!

Ham’s family is proud and happy with that performance, and DadHam even showed up in a sports jacet instead of a t-shirt and shorts! WOWEE!! Ham’s slut of the week is his hottest yet.

The audience goes nutz. Randy says “this is it!” and dude a lot and gives him an A+. It’s so hard to hear past that clown suit. Skara says he’s an incredible artist and he changed the game for everyone else. Her intensity is kinda frightening, which is a good segue into a shot of Sir Anthony Hopkins, who has apparently stolen Soon Yi from Woody, the old dog.

When is it time for the Best Actor award? I’ve already peed in this diaper once.

Ham calls Paula beautiful, and she says that she’s really proud of him. Church Lady Gokey is in the audience trying not to look pissed off. Gums Giraud doesn’t even bother.

Paula keeps babbling on and on nonsensically and Simon starts getting pissed, but she has the talking stick. Or in this case, the talking balls of plastic on her fingers.

What a haunting theatrical taste!

Simon thinks this was the best song of the season so he’s glad he sang it, but he hates the coat, thinks this was too theatrical, and says Ham looks like he’s in Hamtom of the Opera. Randy screams “Twilight! Twilight!” OK first off, vampires aren’t orange, and second, I love the image of Randy sitting at home watching Twilight in his thong with four cartons of chubby hubby, crying his eyes out and muttering “dawg. Dawg.” Ham says that it was theatrical cuz he heard they had dry ice machines and a lift under the stage and was like hell yes! Get that shit together! LOL. Simon says that with the dry ice, long black coat and Tink on the side…then the music starts playing. But I think he was about to make a Wizard of Oz munchkin joke, which would have made Paula’s plastic emeralds work.
Now for a fascinating video package of Krispy Twink. I was hoping for an explanation of why he always has pudding smudge on his upper lip, but no luck.

Cosby Pudding Mysteries

We do, however, get a family photo, which is cute and kinda psychic. The two boys in horizontal stripes make one giant ugly sweater that takes up half the pic. It’s like the universe knew Krispy would one day meet Randy Jackson.

KrispyMom tells us that she used to have to pay her son quarters to sing for her, but a couple of years ago he gave her a coupon book. I’m sure this is supposed to be heartwarming, but what a cheap little bastard.

Aw how sweet. Now get a job and move your beeyatch of a wife out of our garage.

Tink chuckles and tells us how cute that is. Krispy’s singing “Ain’t No Sunshine.” Meh. He should have done the Kanye song. He’s off key for his first sustained note, but then gets on it. He’s stressed, cuz he’s still singing very softly and already looks like this.

I went back and watched his iTunes week performance, and it seemed effortless (if herky jerky and epileptic) compared to tonight. In his defense, the stress level is much higher now and he does take the time to give us a few pained unlocked jaw sideways faces.

Thank you. That’s all I needed.

I actually had to use the gasm’s search function to remember when he even sang this song, which is a bad sign. Of his ability to stay in America’s memory, and of my ever decreasing brain capacity. Once he kicks into gear he does really well and sounds great, but it looks like hard work. And that’s gonna hurt him in the battle with Ham. He messes up his end run a bit, but commits to it and stays on through his final fals note. He’s a talented kid, and gave it his all. Skara still looks mad that he’s even still here.

You’re gonna ruin the anthem I wrote for Church Lady, you hick!

Krispy’s wife is looking very pretty in her Forever 21 formalwear, and his mom has dressed like Barbara Walters tonight.

When was the last time you cwied?

Krispy nervous. Randy gives the Lakers a shoutout and says he thinks that was one of Krispy’s best performances. Skara agrees and says if you weren’t moved by that, something’s wrong with you. Hey suck my cracker, Skara! Paula looks more and more like Sophia Loren with every passing moment. Sophia Loren in 2009.

“You waken, awkaken the spirit in all of us and with your unoop, unake, unique way of ‘Allenizing’ your trademark all over not only this inspirational song but every song you sing and that’s the true marking of a true artist.” LOL. WHAT?!?! She nods proudly, like she just spit out a true gem. God I am gonna miss her ass.

That’s right. I said it.

Simon admits to thinking America made the wrong choice last week (OUCH), but says he takes it back now after that performance. Sorry, still ouch. Krispy looks like someone just tried to wax the pudding off his lip.

That hurted.

Simon says round 1 went to Krispy!! Wowee! Now for round 2, The Other Simon’s choice. He’s chosen “Things Are Gonna Change”. Cocker? For a guy you want to sell as a glam rocker? Other Simon is ridic. Clive would have chosen Whitney Houston.
Ham starts with a nice big yell, but then calms down with a guitarist and bassist and chills the f out. This is kind of a stupid ass song for Ham. He is a lot of things, but a big black woman is not one of them. As if sensing that his Mandisa act isn’t working, he drops it and does what he does every single damn time.

And he doesn’t stop. He even adds in some Mariah hands. I like Ham mostly, but SHUT. UP.

He ends on a nice soft note.

Kidding!

That was one of his screamiest, and that’s saying something. Ouch. That sounded like a pig farm in India the day they found out about swine flu. Randy loves the song and thinks Ham can sing his face off. Hell, he can sing our faces off. Skara thinks it was his best performance and interpretation to date. HUH? Skara is very Tony Robbins today. I miss her whining. Paula stands and says it’s the best she’s ever heard him sing evah and he looks like a superstar and he will be iconic. LOL. I think she meant “ironic”. Simon says he is back in the game. Tink says something about Paula and herky. Or did he say jerky? I think he said herky, but jerky makes more sense.

Slim Dim Jerky

Tom Cruise’s wife is there. Glad to see she found the escape route out of that crazy ass house. She is following Scientology rules though and not letting her kid listen to any of the music.

Shut it Suri. You can hear again when Kirstie Alley tackles us and puts us back in our cage. It’s mommy time.

Other Simon chose “What’s Goin’ On” for Krispy. Jesus, Other Simon. Show your age much? Motown Night sucked enough the one time we had to sit through it. Krispy starts soft with just his guitar. Smart move to do it in his own cracker way and not try to compete with Ham shouts. The small band kicks in and he turns in a really nice, sweet version of song. I could see this being on a fabric softener commercial. And it probably will be. Krispy tops even himself on this one. At least in the facial department.

I am out of retard jokes. Sorry but it’s been a long season.

He doesn’t even attempt to do the falsetto bridge, and instead keeps singing “just tell me” while hanging his tongue out the side of his mouth like a very thirsty bulldog. That was very elevatory and waiting on holdy, but to me it sounded better than Ham’s screamfest. Randy thinks it was too light for the finale, Skara Robbins rolls her head with attitude and says that he uplifted people and made them want to change. Paula: “I know what’s going on! You tore that song up!” LOL. She’s been waiting to use that one all day. Simon thinks it was like three friends in their bedroom strumming along to Marvin Gaye. He gets booed, but agrees with Randy that it was boring. Tink tells Simon to leave his bedtime stories out of this, but Krispy says the most. With his pecs. You’ve been working out. You win!

Hey! Look! It’s the cast of the season! Blind Guy must have pissed the group off, cuz no one even bothers trying to point him in the right direction, poor thing. He’s gonna be so upset when he sees this.

Tour’s gonna be bumpy.

Now it’s time for Skara’s song, which is called “No Boundaries”. TEEHEEE. I was hoping it would beat “This is My Now” in the cheesy title department, but it comes close. Ham is out first, and he starts in the dark again, with a pink spotlight. He almost matches the back wall.

The song is about thinking about giving up cuz you’re too old and tired to live your dreams and then your wife dies and it’s just so sad and depressing, but then you find that changing your hair and glasses every day can make other people smile and point at you and you think maybe I won’t just be a pasty chunky lesbian with glued on facial hair singing in a mega church for the rest of my life after all! Man, Skara really wanted Church Lady to win this thing.

Someone done laid an egg. A rotten one.

There are lots of lyrics, and Ham can barely keep up. He misses a lot of notes and squeaks out some of the high parts, and it’s one of his worst performances so far. That said, how can you blame him? The song is ridonk. And is he wearing snakeskin pants? There goes the PETA vote. At least the tire workers of America will like the shoulders. Once he gets to the screaming notes at the end, he does really well, but he screws up his final fals note, then veers back on course and ends sounding like an eighty year old soprano in the choir. Yikes. If I had never seen the show before and I just turned it on now for the first time, I would turn that shit right back off again. I don’t even care who wins. Just please don’t make me listen to that song on the radio for the next year. PLEASE. I’ll do whatever you want!
Audience? Bizonkers. Randy thinks it was just ok and it was pitchy.

Excuse you? I used my entire trunk of Mary Kay for this performance you fat fuck.

Skara gives herself props for being moved by her own song, and Ham thanks her, cuz he can’t call her the c word on national TV. Paula can’t think of any adjectives. You don’t say. She says he can sing anything and she’ll be a fan. Too nice to diss Skara’s song. LOL. Simon refuses to judge the song and says over the season he’s been one of the best and most original contestants evah and he believes Ham is a stah. That was sweet, but he also didn’t comment on that shite performance. On closer inspection, his pants are just acid washed, and not snakeskin. I’m disappointed, but that’s kind of a running theme tonight.

And that’s the only time he’s ever getting on Eve, so tell her to calm down and cross her legs.

I am worried for Krispy. That song is crap, but it’s very difficult crap, and he’s gonna really have to pull it out. And swing it around. And offer it to the voters. Krispy makes more sense singing this tripe, at least at the beginning. There was a blank spot in there and I can’t tell if he forgot the lyrics or just ran out of breath. He misses a lot of notes too, and this song, as suspected, is way too big for him. He handles the front of the song way better, but Ham wiped the floor with him on the big belt notes. This song sucked, and neither one of them overcame it. Can Spanx win again? She’s not much of a singer, but she’s at least fun to watch make funny faces and pretend she’s Beyonce.

This song should have been called “Reeeeach”.

Randy says he should be proud of himself and his voice fits the song better than Ham’s. Skara doesn’t want him to be judged on her too high crap song, she wants him to be judged on his cute little butt I mean artistry. Paula says it’s the most compelling finale evah, and Simon thinks that his highlight was the first song but he has come a long way since his first nervous audition. He deserves to be in the final two. Which is a nice way of saying you lose but thanks, k? Krispy looks bored.

It’s usually pretty obvious at this point who’s gonna win, but I honesty have no idea. I assumed it would be Ham, but after this finale who knows? They’re both original (at least in the American Idol plastic factory), they’re both talented. I think that finale song makes much more sense sung on the radio by Krispy and some Pro Tools, so I’m picking him. Krispy FTW!! Weigh in, and come back tomorrow night for some finale goodness. LOVE YOU GUYS.