FlipitTypes TV – Recaps, Gossip, and Trash Talk

Tonight on American Idol Results, Daughtry’s still a midge, Gwen takes an aerobics class, and Paula is still too old to be crawling on the floor in a bustier on national television.

When in Doubt, multi-task.

Instead of the Celebrity Apprentice music, we open with some weird techno sound effects into rock, man. Slash tells us if you’re not sincere, you’re not rock and roll. Cut to the theater queen dressed like a rocker. Sincerely.

Well you’re sincere enough for American Idol, but I wouldn’t try to go to any biker bars.

Cholaheta tells us this is the week she’s been waiting for as the music pumps dramatically, and Church Lady Gokey says he has to prove he can handle it.

Sorry, no. No you cannot.

Krispy Kreme can’t even talk in rock, so he just makes a funny face and says something about rocking out. Cut to the judges telling Hambert he’s the most amazing singer since Pearl Bailey. He’s very humble about it, telling the backstage camera man how he gave the judges something they weren’t expecting. Yes, Ham, no one expected you to come out and squeal like octomom during her week of labor. America was shocked. Shocked I tell you. Next you’re gonna tell us you wear makeup.

If it rains, he’s gonna look like a Pollock.

Then we get to relive the moment where every Christian audience member said to themselves “there’s only so far I’m willing to go for the cause.”

Kinda makes you long for the good ole crucifixion days.

Not you, Chola! I like you!

And then another stage disaster hits and Tink has to do the opening with the fug mosh pit girls at the bottom of a well.

Baby Jessica was cuter, but your fake tan is better. Let’s call it even.

Well, hello there judges! Randy is dressed like the Great Wall of China.

Skara’s in one of Paula’s wigs,

Those bangs are eighty proof.

Paula starts by giving her best side to the camera,

And Simon’s the same butt cut t-shirt wearing Simon he always is. Tink jokes that Randy is gonna perform tonight, which I would love to see. Paula? Not so much. And it’s not the first time ever she’s performed. She did her last crappy single on the Idol stage. Did I make that up when I was high? If so, it’s one of my most hilarious hallucinations.
Today’s Ford commercial is about characters on billboards coming to life.

Man, even in still shots on billboards Church Lady is pasty and double chinned. Whoever’s in charge of Photoshop over at AI hates his ass.

This is why newspapers are all going bankrupt. They are boring the crap out of everyone.

This is your chance to grab some scissors and rid yourself of that muffin top.

In every single shot she’s shown, Chola has a clump of hair sticking up. I’m sure Hambert’s hairdresser told her that hair sticking up is very “now”, and she’s too young to know that she’s just been sent on TV looking like a Little Rascal.

Cholafalfa

I just noticed the lyrics. They’re singing a song about mowing the lawn. Ah, radio rock in 2009. Maybe it’s a sly vagina scaping reference, but somehow I doubt it. Group song!! Tonight they’re singing “School’s Out.” It’s actually not, Chola’s just ditching it. Slash is playing tonight, and he looks greasy enough to count as Weight Watchers points.

Something tells me he’s ugly.

That hair looks like the wig I bought my three year old niece for Christmas.

Ham starts the song off by pose/shimmying. He’s getting more and more comfortable on that stage. Who wants to bet that he’ll show up in assless chaps and rainbow headbands by finale night? Krispy Twink, still hurting from all the criticism last night, does his best to stamp his feet and act all rock and roll, but unfortunately his voice doesn’t catch up. His face is hilarious to look at, though.

Church Lady (thankfully) isn’t given any high notes. All he has to do is stand there and growlyell the same note over and over, and he can’t even do that. He ends his phrase with summer-ah!growl. God I hate him more every time I see him. At least he didn’t scat. Chola sings so hard through her nose I’m surprised chunks of brain don’t splurt down her face. Ham starts duetting with her and misses his notes. I’d love to tell you what else happens, but I’m bored. FF.

Rock of Love Cast: Season 20.

Tink makes fun of Slash for not taking off his glasses, which annoys him so much he pulls his hair back and throws his glasses on the ground.

Dakota Fanning! I knew it!

This is how we should all dress to go to Subway.

More illegal aliens than you have ever seen in your life.

Tink interviews the contestants, because he is doing his best to get me to turn off the TV tonight. He asks if they’re getting used to elimination night and Church Lady says Wednesdays are the most tiring nights of the week and he could fall asleep on the stage. Please do, unless you shoutgrowl in your sleep, too. Krispy Twink stutters out a lame answer about being lucky and blessed. Simon advises him to drop the humility. Ham talks about liking his song and his outfit and disco and penises. Gokey admits to thinking he was awesome and then laughing at himself when he saw his own performance. Everyone claps at his humility, even Simon who just said to not be humble.

Fake humility? Totally acceptable.

Chola says that she’s not usually the kind of person to talk back, but since Simon’s car wasn’t near enough to key and paint “FUCKFACE” on in lipstick, she had to resort to arguing. Tink announces Paula and says again that she’s never performed on the Idol stage. So I am wrong. I remember seeing her perform during Idol, was it a music video? I would look it up on YouTube, but then I’d have to watch a Paula Abdul video. Or that cat in a sock.

Now this is rock night.

Before we get our Paula treat, we have to sit through a vid package about her rise to stardom. It was boring enough when it was happening in real time. FF. She opens in a bustier with all these vogue poses.

This is the same routine the old crosswalk granny does at the school by my house. She’s not in a bustier though, thank God.

It’s wrong to assume all her dancers are gay just cuz they’re dancing for a living, but it’s hard not to when the first move is the international symbol for blowjob.

Then she opens her mouth to “sing”. She sounds like the phone lady who tells you to press one for English. But less believable. Paula can still dance her ass off in her herky jerky pose-y way. And she still uses her over fifty choreography: a bunch of twenty year olds carrying her around. After reading about all her spinal surgeries this week, she sure choreographs herself into some dangerous positions. I’m starting to think this whole comeback thing is just a ruse.

Ow my back. Prescription!!

When it gets too dangerous, she has a spotter lift her up and down from the splits. LOL. Girl if you need someone to drop and lift you to do the splits, you should probably sub in a shuffle ball change or some shit. Paula’s mouth isn’t moving along to the track, but she doesn’t seem to care. I press slo mo and I think I caught her mouthing “watermelonwatermelonwatermelon”.

Hey here’re two mics to not sing into!

I’m out of plastic bags. What can I pick up dog poo with?


Woah! Too soon! Isn’t the stage manager still in the hospital?

You can say what you want about Paula, but she’s good for people who feel old. Who would think it’s possible to come out with a single as good as anything you’d hear on Dance Dance Revolution when you’re over fifty? She’s an inspiration, I tell you. It’s downright impressive how many different moves she could come up with that require her to be carried around. That’s how to age! Go Paula! PS Please don’t ever make me listen to that tripe again.

Cuz every mother’s dream is to get something in a kmart bag.


You know what keeps you spunky and aimless forever? Drugs. Great ad.

And we’re back. Paula’s back in her snake skin dress practicing for that Grammy Award she’ll surely be accepting soon. She says she’s happy to be on the happiest stage in the world. Tink asks the audience how they liked it and I think this shot pretty much sums up their answer.

Speaking of blasts from the past with loose grips on singing, NO DOUBT! I love me some Gwen Stefani. Is she way too old to be dressed like that? Yes. Is she nasally and off key? Yes. Do I have gayness in my genes? YES. I CAN’T HELP IT!!! I knew No Doubt was back together for a tour this year, but I didn’t know that it was just a rehash of all their old stuff. Gwen was probably sick of everyone in that damn band asking her for loans so she took a year off of her real career to help them pay off their mortgages. That’s called selflessness, umkay?

YAY! I can get my cable turned back on!

Gwen is jumping around all over the place from the first note on, and she takes a breath after every three words. Still, after the last performance it’s impressive to see someone actually singing and dancing at the same time. If she pats her head and rubs her belly too, I’m gonna TVgasm. She breaks into tai bo and shit. If she’s gonna waste a year with No Doubt, she might as well get her pre-baby body back. Generosity/workout tour. It’s great to see No Doubt again. I used to sing “I’m Just a Girl” all the time in the shower and my roommate was like “Uh, no you’re not.” Gwen does pushups. LOL. She’s gonna stop singing and just start chuggin water and ripping open Balance Bars. It’s hard not not shake my head when I see Tony.

You broke up with Daddy Warbucks, moron.

Gwen breaks into laps through the audience. She’s cracking me up.

Congrats. You just burned eighty calories.

Don’t give Ham any ideas.

The audience triples their Paula love for Gwen. Tink asks why she’s back on tour with No Doubt without a new album and she says it was her idea and hopefully they’ll come up with ideas for a new album on tour. If not, she can dump them all again and this time change her number afterwards.

If those get uncomfortable you could try Depends. Just trying to help, perv.

Before Angelina.

After Angelina.

Video package about past finalists going home. They didn’t show Doolittle, cuz only like three people showed up to her rally. The funniest part is when the Fetus says “I can’t believe how many people showed up! Where did they park?” LOL. So who is going to get the chance for some hometown props this time? Time for some results! Simon is totally present.

One person is safe, and it’s….Krispy Twink!! Oh shit. That means Chola’s out. Dammit. His wife cries and freaks out, and she does it against one sexy beast of a man.

Uh oh. Watch your back, Twink.

Although, Chris Daughtry’s here tonight, so maybe it’s a sign of a shocking elimination?

If your advice is to shave a movie star jawline onto your face, save it. Church Lady already went there.

Video montage of Chris’ time on AI. They didn’t put in the part where his jaw dropped to the floor when he was eliminated. That shit was hilarious. He tells the interviewer that he didn’t want to be a solo artist so he formed a band. He won’t even do interviews alone. Co-dependant much?

Alright, who needs to pee?

The song they’re doing is “No Surprise”. Dammit. That’s a bad sign. Why couldn’t they sing a song called “Get Rid of the Pasty Lesbian”? The song is pretty watered down and humdrum, cuz it’s rock in 2009 and that’s just how it goes. If it’s a good song we’ll know it cuz it will be played every time someone’s sent home. Why does this show force everyone to shout all the damn time? That’s a question for the ages, I guess. I don’t have much to say about Chris. He’s a good shout singer. I used to live across the street from where Idol shot and one night walking home from the Grove I ran into Chris and his parents. I told him I loved watching him and he was super nice. And so tiny that my Jack Russell tried to sniff his butt and make friends with him. Meh.

Do they sell shorter mic stands? You’re gonna pop out your throat.

By the end of the song, he’s cracking a bit. How can he still even sing after shouting like that for so long? It hurts to watch him strain and squeeze like that. The judges give him a standing o. What is Skara wearing?

This dress has rendered me silent.

Chris tells Tink he got over being eliminated after thirty seconds, and Skara doesn’t approve.

He’s wearing my belt. Can I get one outfit that isn’t being worn by a contestant?

He is given an award for selling five million albums. Then he is kicked off again. Ham’s safe!! Oh shit could Church go?!?! COULD HE?!?! HOOOOOO! And nope. Chola’s out. The only person happy about it Juan from The Everything is Not More That Nindy Nine Sents store in Echo Park.

I still have your time card. Sing some Menudo tonight, ok? Crock pots are on sale in aisle four.

She takes it really well and sings the shiznet out of her farewell number. It’s actually the first time that no awkwardness creeps in to her performance. She lets loose and cries and feels it. Dang. If she had done that last night she’d still be in. Simon’s totally affected by the emotions.

SO SAD. Do you think she deserved it? See you next week for some hometown goodness. Cross your fingers for a couple of mega church visits. xo