American Idol: Uh…Notown

Tonight on American Idol, Motown survives, but just barely.

Make it stop.

The mouth chews Gums.

We open today with shots of the contestants’ heads being swallowed whole by the giant gaping mouth in the center of the stage while Tink asks us “What happens when you mix the most talked about singers in the nation with some of the most influential songs in the world?” I haven’t even seen the episode yet, but I have a guess.

Call FEMA and get them on alert, cuz this shit’s gonna be painful.

The judges make their grand entrance. Randy is in horizontal stripes, and it’s disturbing. He looks like an Easter egg with a muffin top. Less disturbing than Paula’s tutu though.

She hunted down Tatiana and stole this right off her. When is PETA gonna start protecting humans?

As Paula twirls around the stage showing off her latest kill, the Heavens open up and Tink flies down.

It’s a relief to know that fairies are let into Heaven, if only on a press tour.

Tink tells us that everyone’s over the flu that was going around last week, but no one’s over the shocking elimination of Alexis Grace. Who? I’m sure it was very sad. I would go back to last week’s recap to see who that is, but frankly I’m tired. The judges won’t sit down and apparently it’s because they’re saying hi to Smokey Robinson and Barry Gordy, who are just now wandering in to take their seats. Take your time, you pains in the ass. I predict they’re gonna be sitting there unwrapping hard candy through the whole show.
Tink asks Randy if last week’s elimination show was brutal even for him. Randy answers that he hated to see Alexis go, but it made it much more fun to tease her with the Judges save, force her to squawk her way through a desperate begging for life performance, and then diss her with a no. Agreed, it is more fun like that. Next they’re just gonna make the losers come out naked and point at them and laugh. Skara, was it tough for you? Yes. Thanks for being here, Skar. You’re adding tons.
What does Paula want to see tonight? Besides the bottom of a Stoli bottle. She wants the contestants to show their artistic integrity, of course! The woman sitting behind Simon is giving Paula death stare.

Simon says that tonight’s Motown songs are some of the best in the world, but he’s not necessarily looking forward to it. LOL. By the way, did anyone catch Simon, Tink and Randy on Leno the other night? They said this year will be won by a boy and they think it will be Hambert or Church Lady Hokey, with “Little” in the final three to represent. I am now firmly on Little’s side. Beat them senseless, girl!! Tink announces the Top 10 and a Motown Montage. The contestants got to visit Hitsville, where they met up with Smokey and Barry. Church Lady seems the most thrilled.

Barry says American Idol is the biggest platform in the world, and he is proud to have the songs he made hits completely ripped to shreds there. Kris and Gums try to figure out how to steal a fedora out of the bullet proof case while Blind Guy feels gold records.

I love this song!

Gordy takes them all back to Studio A and tells them that this studio is where almost all the hits we know and love were recorded. Cholaheta says that she’s gonna sing “Papa Was a Rolling Stone”, and Gordy tells her proudly that that song was recorded right there! There’s kinda an awkward pause as we wait for him to ask her to sing it in the studio. He doesn’t. But be sure to stop by the gift shop on your way out!
Smokey heads on over to the mansion and sings “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” around the piano with the contestants. Everyone’s really natural, like there aren’t any cameras there.

Tink goes into the audience to say hayhay to Barry and Smokey. Did you know Smokey has written over 4,000 songs? DAAAAMN!! Anyway, I think Smokey must smell like ice cream, cuz this fat kid won’t go back to his own seat.

I’m not leaving til you feed me mothaf**ka!

Gums is up first with “Let’s Get it On”, and he’s behind the piano. Smokey has a sentimental spot for Marvin and approves wholeheartedly of Gums’ take. He’s looking at him funny, but I think it’s cuz Gums’ zit is growing into a small child in the center of his forehead.

He starts behind the piano with a soft and sweet rendition of the song. He misses a few notes at first but he’s still strong. Then he gets up and the band kicks in and he knocks it out of the park. I think someone told Gums to stop grabbing his wiener all the time, cuz he keeps reaching down for it and grabbing the bottom of his sweater instead. Poor guy. Let him grab his wiener! It’s his signature move!

That sweater feels totally molested right now.

Randy says yo about ten times and then tells Gums that he’s up against some strong male competition but is edging towards the top. Skara thinks that he made a lot of girls horny and he’s coming out of his shell. Paula stutters about his riffs not being over the top and he’s like wearing an old pair of jeans. ?? Simon says it was corny when he came close to the judges table but it was a perfect song for him and he’s now one of the front runners. Gums responds by cradling his left testicle gently.

I have no idea what’s happening here, but it’s going on my fridge.

As Kris’ intro, Tink does an imitation of his sideways mouth.

Tonight you can download the songs as usual, but this time they are with the original Motown recordings. In other words, they’re literally karaoke songs this time. Way to revolutionize the download experience AI! I’ve never thought of actually recording karaoke and then turning it for a profit, but I like the idea. On the front page of TVgasm you will be allowed to download my mom’s famous drunken karaoke version of “Like a Virgin”. I’m gonna be rich!
Kris is singing “How Sweet it Is”. Bizoooooring. Smokey says the melody of the song is so sweet that there’s no reason to mess with it. From rehearsals, it looks like Kris is going to follow that advice. Smokey loved it and tells him not to change a thing. He’s impressed that he can play the guitar and sing at the same time. Wowee. And he can do all that while dressed like a Boy Scout about to be shipped off to war.

Kris actually doesn’t stick to melody and instead colors it up all over the place. Paula is up and dancing, which means it must be really really good, cuz she never does that. His performance is good. I wouldn’t recognize his voice if I heard the exact same performance on the radio a week later, but he doesn’t suck. He’s just milquetoast. Very cute milquetoast. With sideways face.
Skara thinks he did himself and it was hawt. Paula talks to Simon during her whole critique. Love Paula. When it’s actually her turn to talk, she says that he’s great and technically he was brilliant. Paula has made complete sentences two weeks in a row. Someone needs to fill her Coke cup, cuz this is lame. Simon says he’s good but looks like he could be at a bus stop and needs to get more attitude and should be an asshole if he wants to be a star. Randy says that he’s all good. Tink and Simon exchange some idiotic swagger talk and I tune out. Tink shouldn’t ever be allowed to go off prompter. It never works out well. Kris understands what the judges were saying, and for some reason this makes his girlfriend go nuts.

She got Puala’s Coke.

Nigerian assholes!

Blind Guy’s next. Tink asks why he’s got the baby grand behind him after promising Paula last week that he would take more risks. He says that the piano is part of who he is so he’s decided to take risks in other areas. Like playing darts in a crowded bar with no help, or crossing the street whenever he feels like it and just trusting that drivers are paying attention. Or pink pants. Yikes.

Forever 21: Risk it!

He’s singing “Can’t Hurry Love”, which he thinks is a risk cuz it’s a girl song. He’s doing a different take on it and it’s hard to tell what Smokey’s thinking as he stares at him. He says he has no advice for him, but would it have been so hard to just say GEL? Come on, Smokey? Help a boy out. Poor thing’s got lint trap hair.

Scott tells us that he’s single right now. He gets dates, but Pretty Brother ends up taking them all home. You need an uglier escort, dude. When he gets onstage, he comes out with the backup singers, which can only make him whiter, if that’s possible. The “new take” on the song only lasts about five seconds, and then it jumps into the version we all know and used to love before tonight. He gives it his deaf sounding all, but wow. He can’t really sing for shite. But we already knew that. Tonight he tries a couple riffs, and at points he sounds like Will Ferrel in that too white singing couple on SNL. It’s not as funny, though. He’s giving it his all, though, you have to give him that. Even when it looks like he’s gonna deep throat the mic.

Love don’t come easy, but it comes easier when you have no gag reflex.

Paula, who has taken shit all week for calling the piano a crutch, tells Scott that he really changed it up this week by having the backup singers dance around the piano. Simon brings up the line in the song “how much more can you take?” LOL. The audience boos him, but pretty brother cracks up.

Right, Dad?

He thinks the piano was horrid, the backup singers were a mess, and the song was wrong and cheap. Scott shakes his head, confused. Simon doesn’t care if he plays the piano or sits on it, but he has to pick better songs and have some, you know, EMOTION. Randy says he doesn’t agree with Simon much, but Paula and the audience start cheering before he says “much” and it’s awkward and hilarious. And PS Randy agrees with Simon almost every time. He just adds yos so whatever. He says it was a hotel performance and everyone else is turning it up a notch and he needs to follow suit. Skara likes that he brought some tempo, but she didn’t like that he took liberties with the melody and didn’t execute it well. Meanwhile, Scott’s slutty sister is being stalked by the creep behind her.

Another day, another lay.

Scott says it’s hard to select a song and he changed jis at the last minute. Simon would have rather heard “Reach Out and Touch”. He says that would have been great as long as he had some emotion. Tink asks Paula to compare Scott with the other guys and Simon tells her to be honest. She tries to duck it, and he keeps muttering that she needs to answer the question. She bends down and gets crayons from under her seat and calls Simon a child. Then Tink tries to explain what’s going on to Scott, who ignores all that nonsense and tells us that he didn’t know his pants were pink until right before he came on. That’s just cruel. Then he waits for the Tink kiss that never comes.

You just have to wait.

When we come back from break, Tink is talking about the coloring books Paula gave Simon. He asks what else she has under that table and she says “it’s under my skirt!” I think we’ve all suspected that at one point or another, but still. Wow.

Inside voice.

Megan Doi is singing “For Once in My Life”, and unfortunately she’s still using her fakey cartoon growely voice. Yikes. Smokey thinks she’s refreshing and different. He has no advice, so she asks him questions and he says to just do what she does. Smokey? Pointless. If you can’t think of advice for Doi, you have no business giving it in the first place. She is elated by his non response. She comes out and looks gorgeous. And then she sings. OUCH. This is her worst, and that’s saying something. She misses almost every single note and squawks out more than half of them. It’s painful and sad. Cut to Simon rolling his eyes. LOL. She gets up on the little stage behind the judges table and does her wrist jerky hip shaky awkward dance. At least she did something well!
Randy has mad love for her and she looks great but that was a bizarre train wreck. Skara agrees and then starts singing My Guy. Yes you would have been a better contestant. Thanks for that. Paula says her stunning beauty takes her breath away. Ouch. She does agree with the others though. I love how everyone’s suddenly shocked that the girl can’t sing. Simon says it’s horrible and she should fire whoever’s giving her advice. Atrocious, horrible, in serious troubs. Megan tries not to cry. Aw! They got you on tour, which was the whole goal, so now her ass is out. She’s confident that “my fans” are still there and encourages them to call. Anoop tries to lessen her embarrassment by doing a little dance on the sidelines.

Well done. She looks way more evolved now.

Noops singing “Ooh Baby Baby”. Smokey tells a story about how at the end of a love song medley he sang with the Miracles, he just started riffing and that riff became the song. I think that it’s probably also how “Mmm Bop” was written, which proves that Hanson is brilliant. Smokey’s advice? None! Moving on. As a sidenote, I don’t know if they’re shooting Anoop through a fish eye lens or what, but they’re not doing him any favors. He looks like a billboard for a bait shop.

Fish face aside, Anoop kicks ass on the song for the most part. He sounds smooth and beautiful, especially in his fals notes. He misses a bunch of those and he’s a little sharp on his final high note, but he did well overall. Skara thinks it’s one of the most beautiful songs ever written and even though he missed notes he did a pretty good job. Paula can’t imagine being on that stage singing in front of legends. Or singing in general. She thinks he was spot on and sweet. Simon thinks it was a great vocal but he looked bored and too musical theater. Randy thinks he should come back with some energy next week.

What do you mean?

Tink asks how Anoop is ranking, and Randy says he’s still in it and the guys are kicking ass. Noop says he’s happy with his feedback and thinks he can win it. Oil Rig Bear is next. He was sick last week and didn’t get to go to Detroit with the others. Ruhroh. That’s no good. You didn’t do your homework! He says that Smokey still got to work with him and that’s what matters. Cuz Smokey has really made a huge difference for everyone else so far. He’s singing “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg”, and he is gonna “church it up.” Oh good Lord I think that we’ve had enough of that. Smokey actually gives him some ADVICE and says that he needs to stop the smooth singing and “pound it” and feel it. I dunno, Smoke. That’s the best he’s sounded this entire season.
Oil Rig takes that as “shout and growel a lot in random keys”. He pushes way too hard and misses a lot of his notes. He also misses all his fals notes and smiles and shakes hands and acts like he’s running for Mayor the whole time while kinda shimmying and winking, which kills the whole “feeling it” thing. The backup singers sound good, though! He sounds better than he has all season, but that’s not saying a lot. And then he painfully bones the final note. Poor guy. I like him. But mostly cuz of his faces.

He does the whole “excuse cough” at the end. Worked for Megan! Paula isn’t buying it. She says it was old Las Vegas lounge-y to her and she gets booed!! HAHAH. The boos turn her into a stuttering mess, which is how I like her. She has great trouble telling him he sucked. Simon doesn’t know wtf she just said, and she snaps that he doesn’t understand music. LOL. Cut to Paula lipsyncing really badly at the Super Bowl. Now that’s understanding music!
Simon says it was plain painful and he couldn’t wait for it to end. He adds that he just screams and there’s no way that he can win cuz in the real world he’s just not good enough. Ouch. Oil Rig Bear says he respects his opinion and he gave a hundred percent and he’s not playing games. Simon tells him to shut it and just listen to the advice. Randy says the song is great but he’s not R&B enough to pull it off and it came off corny. Skara says it’s not about singing, it’s about artistry. Oil Rig pulls out the Southern charm with Tink and says that the criticism doesn’t kill him cuz he’s proud to be in the Top 10 on the greatest show on Earth. I wish I was there to pat him on the head and ask him to just not speak.
Little’s next, and she’s borrowed one of Paula’s wig caps. Unfortunately, she forgot to wash it first.

Little is excited to get to tell Smokey how proud she is that Smokey and his friends paved such a great pathway for the sistas. Little just wants to make Aretha and the other pioneers proud. She’s singing “Heatwave”, and Smokey goes back to his non advice and tells her to just be herself. I think whatever Oil Rig Bear caught this week is contagious, cuz Little is manically oversinging the crap out of the song. She’s all shouting and it’s all off key craziness. Towards the end it’s great, but it’s on the same level volume wise as the rest of it. Man, she should have nailed this one. And I have to add that she wusses out on two huge notes at the end by pulling the mic away from her face. I wanna hear Little just calm the f down and sing something instead of shouting like the house is on fire and we all need to run.

This ain’t a drill. Get your shit and RUN!

Randy asks how she’s doing, which is a bad sign. Randy thinks she’s got great vocals but the front of the song was tortured and she sounded rushed. He keeps talking, but basically he’s saying, meh. Skara says she looks gorgeous. Ouch. But…she should have nailed it tonight and it was the wrong song. She needs to stop screaming and add more emotion. Paula, who’s sick of being booed, says that she disagrees and Little looks gorgeous and her vocals were fresh, like the song was being sung for the first time. Simon says he understands they understand why she was emotional about the history of Motown but the song was wrong and she went too far and should have had a moment. Paula thinks there was a moment, and Skara shouts that she had a moment of looking gorgeous. Damn. I have never heard beauty used as such a weapon before this show was on the air. Little doesn’t take it that well, but keeps her mouth shut.

No. You. DIDN’T.

Simon says that she’s still one of the best vocalists in the competition though. She is just glad Simon pronounced her name right and she says if she is back next week she’ll slow it down and blow us all away. Paula thinks she could run for President and Lil gives a shout out to Obama. I would vote for Lil, if only to see her bumbly non sensical State of the Unions. Tink tells us that we might think we have Hambert pegged, but just wait! He’s singing “Tracks of My Tears” by Smokey himself, but he’s doing a nice soft slow version. Smokey says that he likes that Ham kept it sweet and soft. Hm. I have trouble believing that. Not that Smokey liked it but that Ham keeps it slow and soft the whole time. You know what’s not soft? The lighting in that interview room. No one comes off well. Ham looks like he just turned forty.

Then, for some reason, we cut to KD Lang.

Wow. He really tricked me for a second. Tink was right. I had him pegged as a flaming musical theater queen, and here he was a sensitive feeling lesbian that whole time. Liza Minelli’s gonna be super pissed when she sees what he did to the wig she loaned him. He is singing alongside a guitarist tonight, and in case you haven’t heard, he’s doing a soft and sweet version of the song. And he KILLS. Wow. What a gorgeous voice. He does in fact keep it soft throughout, and he feels the crap out of it. Sure, you could argue that he sounds like an old broken down castrato hustling for change in the subway, but that makes this version of the song even more heart breaking. The only part I don’t buy is the lyric “My smile is my makeup.” Actually, the five pounds of Loreal you caked on is your makeup, but I’m a dick to even bring that up tonight cuz that was so damn perty. I even loved the lipgloss.
His family doesn’t jump up and down like all the other families. They’re just calm and serene, like “he don’t need us.” Smokey gives him a standing o though. Skara does too. She says “one of the best performances of the night”. One of? Who even came close to that? She adds that he showed artistry. Artistry! Art! Artistry!! Yay art! SHUT UP. Get a Thesaurus. Paula says he’s in a league of his own and likes his drag king hair and lack of nail polish. And as a sidenote, is this Ham’s brother? Cuz I’m in love.

Scarf guy, not Leatherface.

Simon disagrees with Skara and says it was the best of the night. Thank you. Paula asks for someone to feel her biceps, but no one pays her any attention.

Very nice. Now just work on the under jiggle.

Simon gushes and gives Smokey props for writing such a great song. Ham has emerged as a staaaah! Randy knew he could do anything and tonight Ham proved it. Tink doesn’t even bother with an interview and just gives out the number.

Tink stole Gabriel’s horn on his Heaven tour! Little bitch!

Church Lady is next with “Get Ready” cuz it’s fun and gets people movin. To the parking lot. Smokey doesn’t like that he left out “Alright, out of sight” and Danny’s all “can I shout it? Then I’m in!” Church Lady comes out clapping way off the beat, which is a bad sign. He hops up and down like a little kid who has to pee and runs/wanders all over the stage. What the hell is wrong with him? It’s like Little all over again. Way too fast, way too much. And the advice last week was to show that he could do something other than shout, which he doesn’t even attempt. Hokey’s a talented guy, but ouch. This was his worst by far. And the highlights and goofy faces to the camera ? Not helping.

Yikes. Stop pestering me.

After making about ten faces that put Oil Rig Bear to shame in closeup mode, he sprints to the backup dancers and does a little roll arm move with them. It’s the first move he’s done in rhythm I think ever, and I can’t help but wonder if leading up to that moment is what had him so terrified looking the rest of the time. Paula says he’s “undeniable, identifiable, and always reliable”. How sighable. Simon thinks it was clumsy and amateurish. Randy says he’s like Levi Stubbs and loved the energy. Skara loved the personality and it wasn’t great but she’s still a huge fan. Man if the judges talked this little all the time this show could be an hour again. I don’t care that the judges have all decided it’s time to corner the Praise Music market and won’t say anything too bad. That shit was lame.
Cholaheta’s last with “Papa Was a Rolling Stone”. Smokey’s advice is “learn the lyrics”. I hope he’s getting paid a shitload of money tonight. Love this song, and the arrangement kicks ass. At first I worry that Chola is just gonna do the same ole thing she always does, and in certain ways she does, but this time she gives a little more of a smooth, low performance instead of a straight through belt. She feels the crap out of it. In the middle she starts babbling, but it’s in rhythm so I can’t tell if it’s part of the song or she forgot the words. I don’t care, but I wish she did more of it cuz it was the best part for me. She even belts pretty far up for her last note, proving that she’s got more than an octave. Atta girl! I would still like to see her pull a Hambert and do something softer, but she did well tonight fo sho. My only problem is that I miss the chola bangs. Get this girl some Aqua Net!

Skara is standing and screaming and yelling by the end. Randy calls it blazing hot. Skara can’t believe she was in the bottom three last week and says she sings like she’s been singing for four hundred years. Literally. Four hundred years of smoking heavily. Paula was so in love with Hambert’s KD Lang tribute that she now has a mustache. I guess it helps make sense of whatever’s under her skirt.

She thinks Chola is awesome and amazing, and Simon calls Alison a survivor and this was one of her best ever. He doesn’t stop laughing at Paula’s crayon mustache the whole time. Do these judges even watch while the kids perform? Come on now, you make like eight billion dollars a year dude at least act like you give a crap. So the results are already playing right now on the East Coast, so we will know who’s out within the hour. I hope it’s Doi, but I’m thinking it will be Oil Rig. Man as I finish this cappy they are playing the recap clips and Doi is worse the second time. Send that ho home!