American Idol Results: Waking Up on the Wrong Side of the Smokey

Tonight on American Idol Results, Joss Stone almost blows Smokey and I lose my lunch.

Can I still get breakfast at the mansion?

For some reason, tonight’s results show starts with what sounds like the music from The Apprentice. Too bad they’re not on the same network, cuz that would actually be an excellent crossover. George alone could replace Skara, Randy and Paula. He’s that good.

Who dressed you? Stevie Wonda?

American Idol is so. HARD you guys. End of opening. Wait not quite yet. First we get shots of the contestants morphing into each other. Church Lady Hokey and Krispy Twink morph into each other and they actually make the most believable mix. Let this be a lesson to you pretty people, don’t breed with Church Ladies. They’ll single handedly f up your entire genetic line.

Anoop and Blind Dandelion make the most frightening pair. They look like a really pissed off Asian dude. With extremely bad hair.

Actually, Blind Dandelion makes a pretty hideous morph baby with Oil Rig Bear, too.

Best part of this is the airbrushing.

Can’t see the toddler on your forehead at all.

Lil is morphed with Matt Gums Giraud and I would not f with that morph baby. Have any of you ever been threatened by a cracked out pissed off tranny on Santa Monica Blvd while waiting for Benito’s Tacos to spit out a flauta? I have, and I just had a flash back.

Gimme that flauta or I’ll fu** you up!

Poor Hambert seems to be aging half a decade with every new episode. Seriously dude. Drink some water or take some vitamins or something. Or Moisturize. Ten pounds of pancake on your skin is bad news.

As Tink tells us there were thirty six million votes last night, Simon cruises around for a new beard.

Never home? Frigid? Call me.

Anoop looks like he’s already taken the judges’ advice from last night and shown up with a ton of energy.

Meanwhile, Blind Dandelion hits on Megan Doi, who looks thrilled.

Wanna play Scrabble later? Hello? Are you still there?

Now let’s say hi to the “superstar judges”! WOWEEE!! I’m hoping for Aretha. Or Diana. Or hell the midget in the Little Caesar’s ads. It doesn’t take much to impress me.

We all have our heroes. Back off.

Oh wait. That’s just how Tink is introducing the regular judges. By superstar, he means the same old grouchy farts as always. Glad the whoever’s working the teleprompter is working their egos, though. I want Paula to stay. FOREVER.

This one can go. And he can take the slut with the matching gaping mouth behind him.

Skara, as always, acts like she’s shocked to hear her name called at the SAG Awards when she’s announced.

All of you stop it! I’m not here for the awards! I’m here for the ARTISTRY!

Tink says he has three words for her: “Skara Di La Guardi”. LOL. One of you pointed out that I didn’t even notice she used eight words after saying “I have six words for you!” Sorry. Numbers have never really been my thing. My bad! And while we’re on the subject of comments, “Hamson”? HILARIOUS. Back to the show. Paula isn’t falling for Tink’s flattery and flat out calls him a loser right to his face.

I told you I was to be announced as “The Gift”, you ass.

Simon is more dressed down than usual. He’s not only in a t-shirt, he’s in a freaking undershirt. With the sleeves rolled up. WHY? Make an effort Simon! I’m surprised he doesn’t have a bowl of cereal in front of him and a remote control in his hands.

You know he’s wearing fuzzy pink slippers right now.

Randy boos Simon and Tink tells Simon and Paula to get a room. Simon says they did and everyone ooohs and ahhhhs. Nothing new people, moving on. Tink brings up all the gossip over Simon saying on Leno that Obama invited him to dinner and he blew him off. Simon clears it up and says Obama never invited him anywhere. Then he rolls his eyes like that would be so crazy for Obama to invite him out, but people believed it because really? Not so crazy. Obama’s preempted the most popular show on TV twice now. You think that’s an accident? His ass is gonna show up on that stage before the end of the year. I hope he sings something from Heart. Or maybe he could do “Jesus Take the Wheel”. Lord knows it’s fitting right now.
ANYHOO, montage of last night’s show. Church Lady’s cracked out “Get Reaty” is funnier the second time.

Just fart already.

And now a medley of Motown! The girls start, and while Cholaheta and Little sing, Megan Doi works the only tool she’s got.

I am offended for our Flag.

The boys come out and join them and something really weird’s going on here. There’s echo? Everyone is so on pitch and smooth…even DOI!! I call lip synch! It’s probably because they have to match up with the video in the background. Hambert looks like he’s genuinely singing, cuz his chords are about to pop out of his neck, but Little’s throat’s not even moving.

The Ford commercial is one of the most boring ever. Basically, the contestants put together a puzzle. That’s all made out of squares. I think they just didn’t want to make Doi feel stupid. It didn’t work.

Where does this one go? Someone help me!

A giant crane comes out carrying a really sweaty J Hud. Wow, I know she’s had some really hard times and I don’t want to make fun of her, but dang girl you really let yourself go! At least shave!

I don’t know what the hell kinda song she just sang, but I was like huh? SAVE JHUD! Hopefully she’ll pull herself together. I love her last album so maybe with a little time she’ll be back in fighting shape.
Tink tells us that the contestants all got to travel to Detroit on a private plane!! Hello, recession. Watch out, ACORN’ll have a bus of protesters outside of your house by morning. Now for some results. Hambert’s first and he wins Best Lesbian Vocals of the year. Gums is next. Mole or pimple? Honestly I don’t care, I just need it to go away. I wanna burn the end of a safety pin and just stick him.

This’ll only hurt for a sec.

He’s in the bottom three. I recap while I watch so I don’t get spoiled, but this week you guys told me what happened in the comments section so I won’t play dumb. It’s lame that he’s there when we all know DoiDoi is safe, but he is kinda boring to watch even though he sings like a wiener grabbing little angel. Oil Rig’s in the bottom too, and spoiler alert he’s going home. Let’s just ignore this and get to the important stuff. Glam Squad? Needs to be fired. Little’s wearing a black bra under a white top and Oil Rig looks a hundred pounds bigger.

Sham Squad

And now, Smokey and Joss Stone!! Is Joss wasted? She’s all slurry and off key. I guess I’d have a few drinks too if I had to sing a song about waking up next to Smokey.

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

I think Hambert helped out with that eyeliner. Seriously, Joss doesn’t sing one damn note on key and she looks like she’s gonna bone Smokey right there. I’m uncomfortable. I am now looking away and thinking about kittens and how many quarters I have in my diet coke can. Need to do some laundry. Did you know the President of Brazil is blaming the financial crisis on “white people”? Discuss. They’re still singing. Now they’re both off key. I can’t tell which one it is. Halfway through now, and Joss is belting and sounds waaaay better, like her normal talented self. Woops, back down. And off key again. It might just be that they both have eighty year old vibratos and that’s throwing them off. I have no idea, but I need a shower. And a morning after pill. And a flea dip.

Alright, time’s up!

Paula gives them a really arm jiggly standing o while Simon stares at her rack. And she’s got a tiny boner.

Cholaheta’s safe, and so is Noop. Church Lady? Safe. He looks like he’s growing a herp on his top lip. Please, God, say it’s true. See? Church Lady is inspiring me to pray again! Well done!

Blind Dandelion’s in the bottom three!! That I didn’t know, and I’m surprised. Shame on you, America! He’s blind! Randy thinks the one who doesn’t deserve to be there is Gums and the baby on his forehead. Blind Guy is the first one sent back to his seat. Well, actually, he’s not sent. Tink runs him to it. Damn! Slow down. Poor guy’ll chip a tooth. Tink asks Simon how he’s feeling about the Judges Save, and his answer is that they’re both in the bottom cuz America doesn’t like them very much. LOL. He says that if they’re good enough they’ll be saved and if not they won’t be. Harsh. Yeah, but “I didn’t make the rules!” Yes you did, shut it. And now for a Medley by Stevie!! A blind guy at the piano! WHO CAN SING!! Did you hear that? America just went “oooooh!”
Stevie’s pretty awesome, as usual. He sounds just as good as he ever did, and the dreads on the back of his head are fascinating. I applaud the self confidence. Most men would wrap that shit up like a towel on their head, but Stevie don’t front.

I’m really glad most of the contestants on AI traditionally suck, cuz otherwise I’d have nothing to write about. Like right now for example. Stevie’s great. The end. At least Anoop and Church Lady are trying to dance so I can laugh at something. Anoop is actually headbanging. LOL.

They stop the foolishness and go back to their normal dancing. Which is even sadder. They’re not the only ones making asses out of themselves.

Then for some reason we get a shot of Maya Angelou’s old lady ham fingers.

Stevie ends his set with a new song about taking a pill to make us feel the love again. We already have that pill. It’s called X. He gives a shout out to AI and Obama and he’s out. Back to the real reason we’re all here. Pain. Oil Rig Bear’s out!! Good. I frankly don’t have the energy tonight to lose my shit, and I don’t have to. Wasn’t really a huge fan, but he seems like a nice guy, and I will miss his hideous faces. And I’m sorry to bust on someone’s weight when I myself am a fat bastard, but how could someone gain this much weight in one week?

What exactly did you do while everyone else was in Detroit?

It’s kinda funny that his last song is “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg”. Apparently not. He’s as unimpressive as last night, but you wouldn’t know it by watching the Judges’ Table. Paula is literally shimmying while showing off her tiny boner. She’s not even pretending that she’s talking about saving him.

No more conflict of interest! Come to mama!

At the end of that hideous performance, Simon acts they haven’t decided yet. The girls pretend to argue about it, and then Simon tells him he’s out. LATA!! He takes it very well. Too well. I want tears and broken dreams! Ah well, maybe next week. Until then!

A tribute.