American Idol: Fevered Disco

Tonight on American Idol, America made this face:

Last week, Matt Gums Giraud was saved from elimination. Some people credit Simon, others credit Church Lady Gokey.

God just save him and I’ll spend my monthly glasses allowance on a poor person.

His fellow contestants jumped up and down when the save was used. Well, most of them. Little tried not to throw up.

I’m screwed.

We get a shot of a couple in the audience that I assume is famous. Who knows? To me they just look like a before and after demonstration at a plastic surgeon.

Would you rather look like an old rocker or a whorebot? In 2009, it’s up to you!

Hello judges! Randy isn’t wearing a Mister Rogers sweater or neon stripes. He’s just in a t-shirt. Has that ever happened? To keep original, he spins a basketball on his index finger.

Harlem Globesitter

Skara shows off her armpit dimples..

…and Paula gives Love the Longhorns signs. She looks like she just got off the floor of her QVC showroom.

Plastic diamonds stick to this chick like flies on poopy.

Simon is in his undershirt. I’m surprised he’s even still showing up. I figured he’d be doing this via satellite sitting on a toilet with a cig hanging out of his mouth and a Hello! Magazine in his hand by now.

Is it break time yet?

I have to say, some of the audience signs are great this week. One says Go Go Gokey. How creative! I hope he takes that sign’s advice and goes. This is my personal fave.

All Saturday Night Fever lacks is more head.

Tink calls the contestants out, reminds us it’s disco night, and pushes Little center stage to sing “I’m Every Woman”. Every woman watching this show just turned around to make sure their ass didn’t multiply. Wow. No video package? Nothing? GO! This girl was the apple of the producers’ eyes a couple weeks ago. Now she’s just shoved out there in the shit spot. Ouch. And why would Lil choose a Chaka song that Whitney covered? That’s just stupid. Poor Little hasn’t learned her lesson. But she looks great! We’ve only known her for a short time, but her weave’s grown out by four years.

Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your weave!

The girl sure knows how to work her assets. That catsuit looks fine. Hilariously fine. Her butt and weave and boobs all bounce around together well. I’m trying to start on a positive note. You like that?

Thanks for wrapping up those hams for me.

She doesn’t do anything to change the song up, and she has chosen to start with a little of the chorus straight into the bridge, which is just a lot of oohs and ahhs and “come on!”s. Why? Why? Why? If we hadn’t had shots all season of the vocal coaches, this wouldn’t be so confusing. Someone is paid to help out these kids. Her pitch is questionable, but it’s not as off key as usu….wait. Ouch. She gets to the end, opens her mouth really wide, and makes a really loud choking/gargling sound. For her big last note (and by last I mean last ever on this show, but for the byebye number), she does her signature “pull the mic away from my mouth so no one hears me choke this note to death” move.

The mic just breathed a sigh of relief.

I have rooted for Lil from the beginning. She showed a lot of promise, so it’s sad to see her flail around instead of coming into her own. The judges have told her every which way that she needs to show some originality, but she doesn’t get it. Sad. BYE!

Yay! Lil’s coming home!! WOOHOOOOOO!

Randy says it was big and energetic but it didn’t show off any kind of originality. Skara says she has waited for some Chaka from Lil, but it wasn’t worth the wait. Ouch. She also said that Lil has been every woman on the stage. Every woman but herself! Deep, Skara. Deep. Then she tells Lil that in order to work in this business with that amount of originality, she’s gonna have to learn to make this face.

Alright, that’s just rude.

I hope Skara runs into Lil’s mom in the parking lot.

Skara ends her critique with “but you look great!” LOL. Thanks. Paula tells us that Lil has been sick and on vocal rest so she gives her props for singing decently. Sorry, America fell for that line with Megan Doi and all it bought us was another week of severe cranial pain. Fool us once, shame on you. Fool us twice, shame on Ford. Fool us three times, shame on Coke. I don’t know what any of that means, but it’s liberating to shame products. Try it! Paula continues that Chaka channeled her inner goddess but Lil didn’t.

But there’s glitter on my face!

Simon pouts about Lil pouting. Lil smiles and says she had a lot of fun. He responds that that’s good, cuz it’s probably her last time on the show so she may as well enjoy it. LOL.

Get the bat.

Lil tells Tink that she wasn’t karaoke at all and she changed it up from Chaka’s version. And then some guy, I’m assuming her dad, yells “that ain’t how Chaka sings it!” HAHAHAHAHA. Lil points in the camera and says “America votes! America votes!” Ah, delusion.
Krispy Twink is next, and he’s singing “She Works Hard for the Money”. HAH. Was “Private Dancer” taken? Tink asks him WTF and he says that he picked the song cuz it’s “about…a woman. Who works.” Take the hint, Krispy Wife! He’s playing guitar today with a bass player and conga guy. And this dude, who beats a box. No, not beat boxes. Beats a box.

This is a profession? Sign me up. I can play my desk.

Krispy has a thin, bland voice and struggles to reach anything out of a single octave, but it’s good to hear him take a disco song and change it into a white boy whine anthem. The way his face contorts, you’d think he’s belting out high C’s, but he’s just trying to make it to the chorus. But he sure is pretty.

“Dad’s dead! Dad’s dead! Dad’s dead! Dad’s dead! Dad’s dead! Dad’s dead! ” – Arnie, What Ever Happened to Gilbert Grape?

His mustache is still trying to come out, and I can’t stop staring at it. I wanna spit on a napkin and wipe his face like a mommy. This is one of the first times that someone’s come up with something really original and should have just stuck with the original original. The audience is going to go bonkers for this one, but you know Donna Summer’s sitting at home with this look on her face.

He misses more keys than he hits, and watching him is painful. One day his jaw is gonna fly right off his face. I predict a life of difficult chewing.

Krispy Wife will be mashing up lots of food for this guy.

Finally, when the song is done, his real talent shines through.

Horizontal stripes. Great idea.

The audience goes nuts, and Skara says that his “big risk” paid off big time. Paula says it had a classy Santana feel. That’s the first word I think of when I think of Santana. Class.

Then Paula gets her prewritten critiques messed up and tells him that a lot of women shop in the mens department but not a lot of men shop in the womens department. She’s gonna tell Hambert that he looks ten and has the cutest sideways semi retarded face she’s ever seen. Simon calls for the translator and Paula says Simon shops in the womens department. Not one person out of the hundreds in the audience laughs. Simon doesn’t care if he likes ladies underwear, it was original and fantastic. Randy thinks Krispy is prepared for the big time. Krispy and Twink stand there with their arms around each other while America cringes uncomfortably.

Uh oh. Tink’s wearing Skara’s bj face. Hide your salami, Krispy.

Church Lady is next with Earth Wind and Fire’s “September”. He doesn’t bother trying to start this one off softly, opting instead to come out of the gate yelling his head off. The arrangement is the same as the original, but it’s more exciting because Earth Wind and Fire never really committed to dancing like Church Lady does. Wow. He does the slide, he kicks, he punches, he points at the audience. He’s whiter than communion bread. The handsome, defined movie star chin he’s shaven for himself is the perfect topping on this cheese platter. I’m sure that really looks good when he’s standing up straight and sucking in his cheeks in front of the mirror.

Robert Redford!

Just when I thought I couldn’t enjoy this performance any more, he breaks into the Church Lady Dance.

I am already giving a standing ovation, and then he tops himself by doing a full on girl run to the front of the stage.

If you don’t win this thing, you’ll still have a very good shot of being the next spokesperson for Luna Bars.

He sounds exactly the same as he does every single week. Same tone, same growl, same yell. If you like him, you are very happy tonight and if you don’t like him, well at least he danced. He ends in a kick pose. LOL. This guy’s too ridiculous not to like at least a little bit, right?

Nope. Still hate.

The Gokey family discovers empire waists. All at the same exact time.

Randy was worried but thinks he took a simple song and worked it out. Thanks for contributing. Now you can go back to relaxing in your Sunkist hot tub.

Skara was worried too, and relates Church Lady doing disco to Simon wearing a plaid shirt. I think she’s making a reference to man boobs, but I’m not sure. She gives him credit for always being on pitch but hopes that it’s remembered at the end of the night. He takes her critique in condescendingly like she’s a four year old trying to make it through the alphabet.

Keep going. You can do it, hon.

Paula is impressed with his vocal agility and likes that he chose to yell higher than usual instead of showing any originality. These judges are total hypocrites, but we already knew that so let’s just move on. She adds that he has the sexiest voice ever. Well isn’t that

SPECIAL?!?!

Simon agrees with the others, but says he didn’t see any star power and found the performance a bit awkward and clumsy instead of SPECIAL. LOL. Cowell, never leave me. Tink slips “worked late into the night on that one!” into his number pimping while Church Lady makes a heart with his hands. ARGH. I wish I was in the front row with a water gun. I’ve always loved that game at the carnival where you shoot water into the clown’s mouth.

Cholaheta’s up next with “Hot Stuff”. She’s sitting on the lit stairs, which are red because that’s the only color they ever give Chola. That’s follicle profiling and should be outlawed. I cross my fingers that her plastic pants don’t melt onto those stairs, cuz I love Chola and that would be awkward.

Put a towel down first.

The camera gets closer and closer as she croons out the beginning like a ballad. What the hell is she wearing? She looks like she’s about to go diving. Into a bin of three month old four for one candy at the 99 cent store.

Deep Bin Diver

At least she’s got a glitter bra and a half sweater to balance it all out. She stands up and the outfit becomes even more fascinating. If there’s ever a spinoff of Rock of Love Bus that takes place on public transportation, she’s gonna win that shit. The arrangement stays slow, and that’s the only change. Like Church Lady, she’s pretty much the same as always. Unlike Church Lady, she doesn’t make me want to butcher my eardrums slowly with cuticle scissors. She changes it up a bit at the end and does some Christina riffs. Chola, I didn’t know you had it in you! Loved it and love her, but I think Simon’s Church Lady critique about this being the time in the competition to do something special also applies here.
Randy thinks the arrangement was indulgent but she’s one of the best singers here. Skara didn’t like the arrangement either, but it was the right song and her vocals were a nine out of ten. Paula says that compromise isn’t a word that should be in her musical vocabulary and then babbles on about edginess and veering off roads and mowing down Curve Ahead signs. Simon calls her the underdog and says the performance was brilliant. Tink gives her numbers and says “Randy it’s a hot one tonight!”, which makes Chola die laughing into his arms. Sorry, Chola, but you’re no Krispy.

Uh, get her off me.

Hambert is in a suit tonight with shoulder pads that rival Alexis Morell Carrington Dexter Rowan Colby’s.

Ham’s also wearing a Mohawk, which is like a fauxhawk, but bigger, gayer, shiner, and Liza sideburn-ier. He’s singing “If I Can’t Have You” from Saturday Night Fever. He hits a nice balance of not screaming the whole thing and not whispering the whole thing and melds both of his best vocal qualities together in a pretty killer arrangement. He starts soft and gives us a straight forward ballad verse, and then takes it to a belt, then a higher belt, and then his nasal screech thing that he does, ending in a solid, perfectly pitched high B. Dang, boy. It sounds great, and he’s making me nuts. I love him one week, want to make the screeching stop the next, and then love him again. I still like “Mad World” the best, but this one came close. Now he’ll show up next week in assless chaps and fake eyelashes to screech out “I Love Rock n Roll” or some horseshit. But today, LOVE. Paula can’t get up and dance like a drunken secretary on the yearly office party cruise, so she tries her best to squeeze out a couple salties. It doesn’t work, but we get an awesomely frightening closeup.

Thanks. Now none of us will sleep.

Paula gives him a standing o, and so does his family. But I’m worried. After such a perty love song about not having who you want….WHERE’S BABY BOTTOM?!?!

Back of Ham, suspenders! He’s taken!

Skara is shaking her head in reverence. LOL. She’s ridiki. Randy says that he’s a star and is ready now. Skara whines about how brilliant he is and is inspired. To whine a lot. Paula says “I’ve never questioned my visceral response when you perform” and then her head explodes for remembering that word in for forty five minutes. She says that she felt the pain of his heart being ripped out and thrown on the floor. That’s called a hangover, you lush. Have a sip of Coke. The minute she’s done talking, she shuts down like one of those animatronic fiberglass characters at Chuck E Cheese.

Show’s over, kids. Come back in twenty minutes for more.

Ham needs to tell his friends to f ing dress up if he’s gonna give them some free tickets.

We’re glad you shaved this morning, but put on some pants.

Simon says he woulda bet thousands that Ham was gonna sing Donna Summer. HAHA.

What’s that supposed to mean?

Simon calls it brilliant and all that good stuff. I just wish Ham would extend some of his vocal bravery to his skin. Stop hiding your freckles, ginger! They’re way cuter than eight pounds of base. As Tink starts spouting off numbers, Paula tries to adjust the clothespins behind her wig that keep her face on. She must have really pissed off a camera man.

Ham gives credit to the guy who helped him with the arrangement. Aw. Gums Giraud is next with “Stayin’ Alive”. He’s got a skinny tie, a pleather member’s only jacket, and a straw fedora to hide the newborn on his forehead. Ouch. That outfit hurts. He’s so desperate not to go home that he hijacks an American cargo ship.

All he needs is a parrot on his shoulder.

The judges always give him shit for changing his voice from week to week, so instead of just choosing something and sticking to it, he does all of his voices in one song. It’s like a showcase. Or a Danny Gans performance. He starts rock and roll, then slips into a painful JT falsetto riffs, then goes into his R and B mode, then moves on to some Michael Jackson moves, and back into straight up riff land. He ends on a breathless fals riff/beg/whimper that he half misses. The only move he didn’t pull out tonight was his infamous wiener grab, and that might have actually brought in five votes from me alone. The funny thing is that even though he did like ten styles and flailed around like a drowning child, he still had moments that were vocally better and more confident than anything he’s done so far. If only he could make those parts extend for a whole song, he’d be ok. But he can’t. He’s screwed. I feel for him though. If he took off that hat and extended it towards me, I would totally drop a piece or two of Orbit in there.
Randy didn’t like the song or the arrangement, but says Gums can really sing. Skara thinks that it wasn’t as good as Ham, but still good. Paula says Gums sings like she bowls. Sometimes he hits gutter balls, and sometimes he spends time in the mens room trying to jerk off drunk white trash for a free drink and her bowling shoe fee cuz she always leaves her wallet at home. She’s confident that he’s gonna stay this week. Simon didn’t like it. He calls it desperate, vocally mediocre, and unoriginal.
Noop is next up. And nothing says disco like a pink sweater, pink tie, blue office shirt, and beige suit.

Uh..nope

He’s singing “Dance the Night Away”. His first note is off key, which is a bad sign. Tonight he’s doing a Gokey impression. He’s trying out a smokey, gravelly thing and it’s sad to see him grasping like that. If you’re ripping off Church Lady it’s time to go home. The song starts off all slow and ballady, which gives him time to point at the camera and put his hand to his heart meaningfully, and then it revs up….into a waltz? WTF is this? He’s singing about dancing the night away and the music is all acoustic guitars and soft shakers. This song should be called “We’re Gonna Dance Til Lawrence Welk Kicks Us Out of the PBS Studio.” UhNope tries very very hard, and it’s very very painful to watch. But I’m sure his taxes were in on time, so I congratulate him for that. He cracks out the last note off key, and thank goodness I don’t close my eyes as I cringe, cuz now I can see his really poor eyebrow-scaping. The one on the right is way smaller than the one on the left. I’ve never been a fan of UhNope, but I’ve never felt like sending him a Get Well Soon card before tonight.

He gives an “oh well” look as the lights go down, and the audience loses their shit anyway. Randy calls him out on the bad note and lame arrangement, but says that UhNope is a good singer and the entire Top 7 is great. Skara loved the song choice and enjoyed the arrangement and thinks that he has done his best work the past two weeks. Paula likes his pink and wants him to smile more. I was hoping for another bowling story. Simon says it was mediocre at best, a horrible version of the song, and genuinely his worst performance by a mile.

Can I go now? I still haven’t watched last night’s Medium.

What did you guys think? I’m guessing Lil and Anoop are out, but Gums could replace Lil on the Greyhound. See you at the results show!! xo