American Idol: Cutting the Ham

Tink flys down from Heaven and tells us that the contestants have a dream, and “the life of that dream” is in our hands. CRUUUUUUUNCH! YAYYYYYY. Dream killing time! That’s power! And THIS. Is American Idol!

This is the same camera trick Tom Cruise used in War of the Worlds to look taller than Dakota Fanning.

The show starts a few seconds after our DVRs started taping so we could get a little Fringe ad action. I just have one question. Is it just me or does this bitch look insane?

The Paulie Walnuts look really caught on.

We get a famous shot of some weird famous guy with no hair on his head or his brows who refuses to applaud. He’s kinda freaking me out. Who is this? And is that Hosea the Hoser from Top Chef 5 sitting down the row from him? I’m already confused and we’re just starting.

Take me to your leader.

Tonight’s theme is songs that make the readers of TVgasm feel like senior citizens, otherwise known as songs from the year you were born. Man I wish Paula would get up there and sing tonight. It’s been a long time since I heard the Flinstones theme.

Even out those clothespins holding back skin behind your wig. Your face is uneven tonight.

Shot of the alien looking dude looking like he’s about to burn Tink to ashes with his laser eyes.

This guys is FREAKING ME OUT.

We are going to get baby pics of the contestants, but also of the judges! YAAAYIKES.

This is before McDonald’s was invented, obvs.

Skara looked then like she talks now.

I was sooo disappooooointed in that sooooong choice! I wanted mooooore from yoooou! WAAAHHHHHH!

Tink says she looks in that pic like she made a poopy. She answers that it looks like Simon was babysitting her and she was craving one of his giant man boobies. Tink intros the Paula pic with “Paula looks exactly the same!” Except now she has a different nose, different cheeks, a wig, and a face made out of dashboard leather.

That little girl looks wasted.

Actually, little girl Paula looks exactly like TVgasm’s own Nads.

Little Boy Simon is in a military uniform, pointing a gun at the camera. Fitting. I think he’s had an ear tuck. And a boob job.

Mum, your humming in the kitchen over breakfast was less pleasant than sitting all the way down on a traffic cone. And now you must die.

Simon claims that the pic isn’t of him, and Paula intros the pic of Tink. YIKES.

This guy’s reaction is perfect.

Paula asks him if he liked carrots as a child. LOL. This entire segment was like a commercial for orthodontists, plastic surgeons, tanning booths, and Hitler.

The contestants are introduced and Blind Guy comes out wearing a split end halo in honor of Easter week.

We are starting with the oldest contestant tonight, which is Church Lady Gokey. Who could it be? Cholaheta? No. Courtney Cox? No. Could it be…

SATAN!?!

AW!!!

Church Lady tells a story about being a kid in the backseat of the car with colic, screaming his brains out. His dad looked back and said “wow, Rhonda! That kids got some pipes!”, which made Hokey think he was a singer. He was very impressed with himself for awhile, and just told himself amazedly, “I can sing! I can sing!” You know what else you can do? Make Tyne Daly look like a supermodel.

He’s doing “Stand by Me”, which is perfect because every time I hear it I think of the scene from the movie Stand by Me where everyone threw up all over each other.

He’s doing some Hokey ass white couples-skate version of the song, and he starts off softly, which is a huge mistake cuz he misses some notes. And he misses them really hard and painfully. Ten seconds in he’s shout-masturbating all over the stage. The music picks up and bongos come in. Way to turn one of the best songs ever written into a total cheesefest, Church Lady! Why isn’t there a disco ball turning? And where’re Isaac and Julie? Or Ron Jeremy. This whole thing is just wrong. No one should ever be allowed to turn the lyrics into “sta-yeah-yeah-yeah-and by me”. Paula likes it, and has a cheesier dance than usual for it. She’s literally doing the Church Lady dance.

As if he senses that he’s not getting on well tonight, CL churns it up and gives the audience what they came for. YELLING. OUCH. That blew.

Yay he’s done. Let’s eat.

HATE

Randy didn’t like the arrangement but says he’s an amazing singer. Skara didn’t like the arrangement either but liked the shouting at the end and says it was really unique. Come on! THAT WAS HORRID!!! Paula says that he has set the bar so high that she needs a plane to get a decent buzz on. She loved the arrangement and the “chord substitutions”. LOL. Simon goes “the what?” and starts cracking up. Then he asks her “why are you talking like that?” HAHA. Simon says the beginning was good, the middle was lazy, and the end was terrific. It’s usually great having Simon around because he is the only one who will always speak the truth. This season he’s become a giant rigger. There is no way Simon thought that bs was good.
Krispy Twink is up next. He tells us about going to the beach on his day off and riding the ferris wheel. The guy who worked the wheel asked him if he was from the show and then asked him to tell Hambert hi. LOL. That pretty much summed up the entire season. Who knew ferris wheel workers were so deep? Krispy’s baby pic is cute, cuz it was only taken like five years ago and you can see the beginnings of the now famous sideways face thing he does.

His mom tells us that of course she’s proud of her kid, but she would have been just as proud had he decided to go for his dream of being a taxi driver. Riiiight. I think his mother is a liar and has a seed of hatred for her poor kid. Why else would she give him this haircut?

The jaw went sideways to balance out those bangs. It’s called a bowl, Mrs. Krispy. Buy one.

Krispy’s singing “All She Wants to Do is Dance”, from 1985. Why? He does his own take on it with his guitar, and he opens with a drunk Ricky Ricardo impression

Loooocy!

I’ve never noticed Krispy’s speech impediment before. He has really hard p’s and sibilant esses. I think his tongue is too big for his mouth. Or he needs to get his jaw wired tighter or something. It might just be because he’s forced into the mosh pit of fugly tweens and getting as close to his mic as possible, as if he can somehow escape them.

You’re not safe. Just think about the ferris wheel and bite on a pillow. It will be over quick.

This arrangement is another eighties gone seventies version. What’s up with the band tonight? Songs from the years the contestants were born with arrangements from the year the band was born. For some reason, we keep getting a shot of one of the trumpet player’s rooster neck. It needs to stop. It’s cruel. To the trumpet player, to us, and to roosters.

“Lookit here son, I say son, Ya got a hole in your glove. I keep pitchin’ ‘em and you keep missin’ ‘em. Ya gotta keep your eye on the ball. Eye. Ball. I almost had a gag, son. Joke, that is.”- Foghorn Leghorn

Krispy is straining a lot on this one, and misses almost all of his big notes. In his defense, he’s probably being groped and prodded from every angle by the tween heifers in the pit. Still though, another ouch. We’re two for two tonight. And why is his wife sitting with Sherri Stringfield from ER?

Skara is glad he picked an uptempo but thinks it felt like jazz/funk homework. Yes it did. It also sounded exactly like Church Lady’s arrangement, which you fucking loved. I call bullshit!! And why is Skara dressed in a football uniform made out of drapes?

She gets booed, and gains thirty more pounds.

My son will NOT drive a cab, do you hear me whore?

Paula says his “quite faith” is heartfelt. Huh? Simon thinks he’s likable but says the performance was indulgent, boring, forgettable…some girl in the audience screams “Kris you’re HOOOOT!” and Simon says “so am I, but it’s not about that.” HAHA. He hated the song. Randy agrees, and adds a whole bunch of nonsensical words on top of his agreement. Tink tells Simon his critique was indulgent and predictable, and then calls him hottie. Krispy ignores them and starts working for those votes.

Lil’s mom Dolline wants to clear up the Little controversy over Lil’s name. Her grandma was named Lily so Dolline just took the first three letters cuz she couldn’t remember if Lily ended with a y or an ie. Fascinating. Now clear up why Lily named you Dolline. Cuz that’s fucking nuts. Hey! It’s Darlene! From Roseanne! Well way to make a point, sister!

And why was Little such an angry ballerina?

Fuck this tutu.

Little says that the first time her voice teacher heard her name, she said it was really original and she could see it in lights. I think the vocal teacher might be a weed smoker, because her short term memory sucks. That names already been in lights. And in prison. And on Broadway.

John Smith: Celebrity

Little’s taking on Tina’s “What’s Love Got To Do With It?” and again, she completely ignores the judges’ request to make the song her own. She does the original version, and she even does it in dangerous heels, like my hero Tina Turner.

The carbon copy version is a mistake, because Tina felt this one. Little has a great voice, there’s no denying that, butzzzzzzzzzz. They told her to try and show some youth, so she comes out wearing a mini-skirt, a leather vest Oil Rig Bear left behind, and cheap plastic diamond ho shoes. It doesn’t help that she’s singing the song that made Tina Turner the oldest artist to have a number one song at that time. On the bright side, Little’s pregnant with twins! And she’s carrying the tykes in her butt.

Get to a hospital, girl. Those kids are cooked.

She takes it up and belts at the end, which sounds pretty good, but slowed down? Her riffs sound like they’re slogging through mud. At the end, she belts out a note and does her trademark take the mic away from my mouth before I bone the note move. Meh. Paula tells her she looks hot. Uhoh. She thinks that she needed to go out of the box but she just did the same old Tina version. Of course it took her two minutes to say that, but there you go. Simon translates. They’re not looking for third rate Tina and even calls her out on walking like Tina. I think that might be because they both have big butts and really difficult shoes. Anyway, he tries to pound it into her that she needs to be original. Randy repeats what the others said. Skara thinks she needs some good ole fashioned ARTISTRY. Little almost cries, but doesn’t. She tells Tink that she does listen to their advice and then babbles about something. I cannot understand her, but it’s nice to see her trying to make complete sentences. Keep practicing! Then her water breaks.

He’s still in movies? How? Why? Who? What?

Anoop’s next and he’s cheering because his team, The Heels, won. LOL Heels. How fitting that he roots for The Heels. Especially when he’s dressed like Urkel. Tink reminds Anoop that after Skara’s critique last week he said “excuse me?” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA. Anoop says he regrets it and that’s not the way he wants to represent himself. Then he blathers on about how he’s really nice and he’s really sorry. Longest apology ever. It’s like he said the n word on the set of a doctor show. Get him to rehab! Skara beams at his pathetic whiny pussy apology, happy that she doesn’t have to confront his family in the audience after the song.
In his video, he tells us that he was born on the same day as David Cook. That’s quite an accomplishment. He also tells us that he hated being in pictures as a kid because since he was an only child he was always the only one in the pictures. Sounds good to me! That’s why I cut my sister out of every picture I could find. As a child! Don’t be silly. That was then. Now I have Photoshop. Anyway, Anoop blames his mom for his hating being in pictures. Anoop’s kinda a dick, no?

I think Church Lady owns this hat.

He’s singing “True Colors”, which is perfect cuz he just showed a lot of them. He starts off softly and sounds beautiful, but forgets his lyrics. “The darkness inside you…” LINE! This is because his mother made him take pictures ALONE. Of course that’s a lie because not even Hambert eye fucks the camera as hard as Anoop does. It grosses me out. Every time the camera moves Anoop’s cruising it. He’s like a gay guy in a locker room. The song is prettyish, but boring and lifeless. Like Anoop! Wow. We’re four in now? Is anyone gonna not suck? That would be great. Thanks.

Ew. Keep those molesters in your head, nerd perv.

Randy loved it, but frankly I have learned to turn Randy’s voice off. Instead, let’s take a look at Skara. She looks like the Hunchback of Ana’s Linens. By the next commercial break her boobs are gonna be below her knees.

Skara says tonight he controlled the song and the song didn’t control him. Thanks, thinker. Who moved my cheese? Paula says he showed his true colors, just like a rainbow. Simon moons him with his ass head.

Crack is wack, Simon.

Simon calls him a yoyo because last week he was abysmal and this week was good. Not fantastic, though. He adds that no apologies are necessary. The judges can be nasty and he can be nasty right back. That’s worked out really well for everyone else who’s tried it. Tink says it’s time to go to Arizona and “get a glimpse” into Blind Guy’s life. I don’t know if that was intentional or just an unfortunate turn of phrase, but RUDE! His baby pics are cute, but the cutest one is of his sister. She looks exactly the same as she does now. Except less slutty.

He wanted to be a train conductor growing up, which led him to multiple train wrecks as an adult in front of millions of people. Man, I wish he still had Eight is Enough hair.

He’s singing “The Search is Over,” and this week, Blind Guy’s changing it up. Instead of playing piano, he’s playing guitar! Or at least holding one. For now he’s just standing there doing an impression of Marlee Matlin fighting with William Hurt in Children of a Lesser God. The camera man swoops around him and scares the crap out of him.

“Here you go! Hear my words! Hear my voice! Ah, you want more than that? I’m gonna scream!”

He has definitely upped his game this week. Or at least his volume. Damn, kid! Squeeeeze! At one point he punches out to the side completely off rhythm and then screeches out some really painful fals notes. Wow. This poor guy is really, really, really bad. Skara gives him credit for playing the guitar and says he had some good moments…

…and some off moments.

She’s very nice about saying “that sucked cornhole”. Too nice. She talks to him like he’s two, which is kinda offensive. Jesus. He’s blind, not retarded. Although sometimes the line blurs a bit.

TIMMAY!

Paula gives him credit for not playing piano. Is something wrong with her wig?

Oh god for a second I thought I was out here without my thinking cap.

She would have preferred acoustic guitar to electric, but he argues that it’s his punk side coming out. She compliments his sense of humor, calls his high notes screechy and then says overall “bravo!” Wow. That sucked, you screeched, you win! WTF? Simon says to go back to the piano next week and thinks it was horrible. Blind Guy says “it wasn’t that bad!” and Simon says “yes it was.” HAHAH. Randy says the problem was that it was just ok and he needs to leap off the stage. Vocally. Thanks for the clarification, cuz I think the fug mosh pit would let his ass fall. He reaches in for his kiss from Tink, but it never comes. One day, my boy. One day.

Can I feel your face?
Please don’t.

And now, Cholaheta! She was born in 1992 . Wow. To think that when I was a junior in high school Chola’s mom was nine months pregnant, walking around the 99 cent store in East Hollywood muttering “one day you’ll sing here and everyone will love you, mija.” Cholaheta was the biggest. Baby. Ever. No wonder her mother cries every time she looks at her. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Her mom? ADORABLE. She tells us that when Chola was a baby she wouldn’t stop blabbing and the doctor said that meant she was gonna be a star. So her mom started pimping her vox out at the city fair, thrift stores, swap meets and 99 cent stores to build her star chops. She grew into a star, and the family never had to pay for dish soap. Chola’s singing “I Can’t Make You Love Me”. A nice soft ballad? WOWEEEE! I’m proud of her! I might just be excited because tonight marks the return of chola bangs!

She’s dressed like she’s going to a flamenco funeral.

Chiquita Banana, RIP

She does really well tonight. She starts off copying the original, which is worrisome, and she sounds older than Bonnie Raitt. Towards the middle she adds in her own riffs and kicks the song’s ass. The only thing that kept it from being a knockout was the fact that she kept doing her “two for one Dora lunchboxes on aisle three” smile. Girl, you’re singing about never finding love with your perfect mate. Stop smiling. The outfit is hideous, but combined with the sad song, fried hair and fifty year old vibrato, it works for me.
Paula loved it and says she loved her gut wrenching tenderness and originality. Simon thought it was “very good” and thinks that they just need to make her more likable because of her weirdo personality. Chola asks “too boring?” LOL I love that she is so self aware. Simon tells her to come out of her shell, basically, but I like her awkwardness. Who else can turn “rrrrr uhhhhhh mmmmmm raaaaar” into an entire interview? Besides the President? Randy says that she’s like Kelly Clarkson and should learn to embrace the public cuz she can sing like a pro. Kelly Clarkson still can’t speak, so what’s your point? Skara says she doesn’t care what the results are, she’s ready to make an album with the kid.
Gums is next, and has officially become an Indian woman.

His dad tells us that all the kid did was sing sing sing all the time. He even put on ridiculous outfits for church choir so he could sing. America, why must we torture our children in church? It’s bad enough to have to sit there for an hour. Do you really need to add a sparkly crown of thorns knock off?

It’s ON, Church Lady!

He’s singing “Part Time Lover”. He’s given up the piano tonight, but he’s got his cheese ass fedora on with a matching cheese ass pleather members only jacket. OY. He starts waaay up in fals, which is flawless. The whole song is riffs, but he only misses one. He reaches up for some high notes towards the end and bones them, but he’s out of breath from bopping up and down and doing vocal acrobatics. He’s got to calm down and just sing a damn song. What was that? You can riff, we get it. He’s got such a great voice, but

I…felt….nothiiiiiiiiing!

His friend with the super pointy boobs liked it.

Randy thinks vocally it was one of the best of the night. Skara shouts “incredible on every level!” and Paula says “two words: standing o!” Then she looks down to make sure she shaved.

Simon thinks it was a million times better than last week. AND THEN MY DVR CUTS OFF!!!! WTF?LSFgoihfgboiqhergbiqehjrgb goddammit fox! So now I have to record Fringe or I don’t get to see Hambert?!? This is ridiculous! paosiudhg[osidhbv[aoishdbq[eoifhb argh. Alright. I’m back. But I’m still pissed! In, out. In, out. In and Out! YUM! I’m happy again. Hambert’s baby pic is adorable and looks nothing like him. This is before he asked the tooth fairy for his first Liza wig.

His dad is really cute about skirting the gay issue. Mom goes on about all the things Ham loved as a kid and Dad adds “sports and boobies? No.”

Wigs and foundation? Yes. Who knew Ham was a ginger?

Some kids were obsessed with Inspector Gadget, but Ham was obsessed with Linda Dano’s brilliant portrayal of Felicia Gallant on Another World. Montage of Ham dressing up as a kid.

How’d he get half of Paula’s base face?

Dirty Mary

Love him or hate him, you have to give Hambert points for starting out a song on the pot. I don’t think that’s ever been done before.

Don’t forget to squeeze the Charmin, fruit loop.

He’s singing “Mad World”. Tears for Fears? HELLS YEAH! He’s doing the Gary Jules version, which is beautiful. The video for this song is great. Check it.

He does a really nice take on the Jules take, and keeps it fairly soft and restrained the whole time. He misses a couple high notes but honestly? Who cares? He just blew everyone else out of the water. I thought he could never move me after last week’s funky white boy party cruise crapfest, but wow. Here I is. Nice! And I love that he has the guts (or utter gayness) to wear a leather windbreaker with a built in scarf. Who does that? He shows off his girl thighs and it looks like there’s a hole where his package should be. I am so confused right now. But happily confused.

I think.

Simon is the only one to talk since they’re running late, but he gives him a standing o. Good job Liza!! What did you guys think? I have a feeling it’s gonna be Anoop or Blind Guy on their way out tonight.