American Idol Results: Your Lazy Eye is Out

Tonight, on American Idol Results, dreams get multilated and ripped limb by limb not once, but twice! And the Judges change the Constitution. Can they do that?

Paula, your ride’s here!

The set has always been a bit over the top. Every season it morphs a little bit more into the layout of Photon Lazer Tag. It was this place growing up where they handed us kids giant guns and riot gear and told us to shoot to kill. No one actually died, and I think that if am ever given the chance as a pissed off adult to run around in a big room of masked strangers with riot gear and a big gun I’ll welcome it, but as a kid I was absolutely terrified. I’d hide behind a pylon and pray my face off.

Point is, the stage is starting to feel threatening, which I guess is the point. SOMEONE’S LIFE WILL END AT ANY MOMENT. There’s literally a giant gaping mouth ready to devour baby talent and then burp like they were just another nugget.

Tink does the usual “we’ll find out who’s a cylon after the break” spiel, but this time he ends with “And what’s this new rule about?” OOoooh! I hope it has something to do with banning pantiless girl squats on the stage. Or fauxhawks of any variation. Or dust bunny hair.

Randy and Skara act like they’re on a parade float when Tink announces them, but Paula doesn’t wave. Then she gets less applause so she does a Love sign. Or a Bullhorns sign. Or rock on. Who knows? She could just be scratching her head. Or trying to get cable.

Randy boos Simon as ushe. That’s gotta be getting on Skara’s nerves by now. Tink points back to the giant gapey baby talent devouring mouth, which is re-chewing up Tamyra Gray, Michael Johns, Jennifer Hudson, and Chris Daughtry. What do these stars have in common? besides eyeliner?

They were kicked off before their time. Says who? America voted, yo. America may not always make the wisest decisions, but they’re ours to make! Besides, if Chris Daughtry had won, we wouldn’t have Taylor Hicks. And what kind of world would that be?

Anyone?

Alright, but still. Things happen for a reason. I doubt Daughtry is crying himself to sleep over not having to tour malls for two years before he got to actually have a real career. And J-Hud’s got an Oscar, for crying out loud. What does she care? Fate has a way of making things right. Stay out of it, government! The judges will get a save card for the season. They have to vote unanimously, and they can only use it once. I predict it will go either to Megan Doi Corkey or Hambert. The news sends the audience into woos and almost blows the twink right off his bench. Gums doesn’t give a f.

Tink asks Simon if the rule is disregarding America’s vote and he says “quite the contrary!”, but then just says they will be disregarding America’s vote. But just once. And hey, at least they’re being upfront about their rigging ways. For a night. This year we get a shot of the contestant digs. They get to live in a mansion! WTF? I pictured them at a Motel 6 eating cans of beans so the producers will have enough money to pay the show’s electricity bill. As they pull up to the mansion for the first time, Matt Gums Giraud goes “wow. I don’t have a gate at my studio apartment.” I do! But it’s the kind used in maximum security prisons.
Everyone goes nuts in the house. Screaming and jumping on beds and pillow fights ensue. Allison Cholaheta calls someone while she’s peeing.

Indoor pool! Outdoor pool! A bowling alley! A basketball court! Impressive? Yes, but I’m still obsessed with calling my mom while I’m on the crapper. Speaking of, time for a Jackson 5 medley! Puerto Rican Sammy Davis Jr. and Kris the twink start it off with a weird kick. Samuel’s kick comes off better because they haven’t discovered the restraining skinny jean in Puerto Rico yet.

Something super impressive that’s happening right now is this step touch move everyone’s doing. They’re all off the beat, but they’re all off the beat TOGETHER! Megan Doi Corkey looks like she hasn’t learned any of the words to the songs, but at least she has the power of speed hip dancing. Also, is she pregnant again? Why else would you wear that dress?

I think Hokey got a little defensive about Simon calling his dancing atrocious, so today he takes a moment to break out of the line and jam out a solo dance. The Church Lady lives!

Dana Carvey’s gonna sue over this shit.

Then Oil Rig Bear wonders aloud if he has a bat in his cave.

You guys would tell me, right?

We miss you, Reborn!

This commercial is racist.

After a montage of last night, Tink tells us that the contestants worked last night til midnight and then were up at 7am to start all over again. That step touch was a bitch, eh? Today’s Ford commercial is to “We Will Rock You” and it features the Idols plastered all over city buildings.

That bank is sexually harassing me.

Liza, get off that hood before you hurt yourself!

Ray Liotta, what are you doing here?!?

Oil Rig Bear and Cholaheta are safe, but Jasmine has to go down to the center of the stage. She’s wearing some kind of American Indian headdress around her neck. Matt Gums Giraud hears his name and starts walking to the stage, but he’s safe! He’s so happy that his gums pop out and he has to whack them back into his mouth.

Kris is next, and his bizarre jaw split saved him. Megan Doi has to join Jas center stage. Jas tries to hint at sexual favors for the judges while Corky makes it clear that she’s the one with the gum balls and if anyone wants one she’ll be staying.

Doi Corkey is safe! OK Jasmine was pretty craptacular last night, but still. Doi stunk it up. That girl better pray to the Lord every day for not making her look like this.

Tink reminds us that the judges could save Jas, and it makes this whole thing even sadder cuz you know they’re not gonna. She gets kicked in the balls and then has to stand there only to get kicked in the balls again. Poor girl does worse than last night. Why can’t she riff? I have no idea. I’m honestly asking. She ends up right in front of the judges table and her last few notes are kind of a long sad beg. But then she bones the last note. Yikes. Randy tells her she’s shit out of luck and she starts crying. AWWW! Her goodbye video starts with her mom giving her advice. “Just believe in yourself, cuz all things are possible!” Oh, Jas Mom, believing in yourself doesn’t work. Don’t you watch this show? She should have skipped the “believe in yourself” mumbo jumbo and skipped straight to the “don’t suck or I’ll disown your off key ass.” It’s called Tough Love, Pearl!
Jas is still crying when the video ends, and Tink tells her he’s always been impressed with her courage and poise. Sweetest way of saying “lack of personality” ever.

It’s me! Unfortunately I was only paid five dollars for this film so I will still be doing my recaps.

Bette Davis Forehead got a job!

And now, KANYE!! I love Kanye because a.) he gets more angry than Faith Hill when he doesn’t win awards, b.) he says that he is God’s vessel, and c.) because he says his greatest regret in life is that he can’t be in the audience of his own shows to experience his awesomeness. How can you not like someone like that? Especially when they come on stage with their ass hanging out and Britney’s auto tune pumping through their mic? He’s wearing more jewelry than Paula and Randy combined and has a sweatshirt hanging out of his back pocket. This outfit might not have worked, but he remembered his leather gardening gloves. It’s also amazing that he’s using Arsenio Hall and a girl wearing a Transformers Happy Meal toy as his backup singers.

Kanye skips all over the stage giving the young horny tweens the gift of his gardening glove touch. He runs so much that he runs out of breath and starts sweating all over the place and lip syncing. Come on! That song has three notes in it, you’ve got auto tune, and you STILL have to lip sync? LAME. PS this song sucks ass. What happened to Kanye? To his credit, it’s not all lip sunc, because he really blows some notes loudly. The best part is when he gets to the judges table, now filled with girl fans and two really awkward boys. One of them keeps sticking his finger in Kanye’s face. LOL.

Hey you! I know you! I know you!

Then Kanye starts looking for loose change on the stage.

When he’s done, he stands for a moment and basks in his sweaty mediocrity.

Scott’s in, Alexis is in, and Hokey’s in. He changes glasses more than Hollywood from Mannequin.

Sally Jesse Raphael already used the glasses as a subsitute for personality thing. Move on!

Anoop starts walking to the center of the stage, and no one stops him. Hambert’s safe and so is Lil, which means Samuel Davis Jr. is joining Anoop on the bottom. OH NO!! Don’t take Samuel from me!! He should get an auto pass for doing a Love Boat version of a MJ song. It’s not right! Not right! Especially because no matter how consistently Anoop sucks ass, the people LOVE him. We have to wait til after the break to find out what’s up, but I never hear tween climaxes when Samuel’s on stage. He’s gonna be out. I’m already pissed. Did all the Latinos just jump on the Cholaheta bandwagon and forget about her sister?
And now, Miss Kelly Clarkson!! YAAAAAY!!! Kelly is the best idol because she told Clive Davis to suck her bawls, gained fifty pounds, and to this day refuses to bleach her teeth. It takes more than twenty pounds of base and a Liza wig and plastic chains to be a rebel, Hambert!

Rebel butt.

I’m glad Kelly learned her lesson and went back to the grunge/pop Clive liked though, because rebellion is less fun when you don’t sell albums. She tells Tink that she didn’t write “My Life Would Suck Without You” to anyone in particular because she’s single as usual and not a lesbian at all. I’d like to think that she’s singing it to Clive. She has a little trouble in the beginning because it requires soft singing, but when she gets to the belt she wails it, nails it, and impales it. This girl can sang. Has anyone else even come close? And how has she not had to have throat surgery yet? And now, Anoop is safe!! asighaspoidgh. Samuel Davis Jr. sings again, and it’s as cheesy, misguided and wonderful as last night. And so is Paula’s dancing.

When he’s done, Simon’s just sitting there with angry crossed arms. “NO.” Alright then, maybe some bedside manner? Sorry, Samuel! I’ll miss ya! At least we get to Carrie Underwood squeaking “Home Sweet Home” out of her nose AGAIN.

Fair? BS? You decide.