American Idol Results: Whore it Up at Home

Tink starts off by telling us that tonight, one contestant will face the fire! Finally! They’re gonna just start cremating the eliminated contestants. I guess someone over at FOX is listening to my voicemails after all! That’s democracy! And THIS. Is American Idol Results!!

Pitchy heathen!

The judges are announced as the “Superstar Judges!” LOL. Skara believes it and throws her head back and laughs like “who ME?!?” Yes Skara. You’re the new girl next door. The one that’s skinnier than us and richer than us and most likely has hotter lays than us. OK? YOU WIN! BITCH!

Watch out, Sandra Bullock.

Paula is introed as “straight hair Paula!” and Simon is introed as “losing his hair Simon!” That Tink is a regular Jerry Lewis. Without the diapers. Or the respect. Or the talent. Ok he’s not Jerry Lewis. But he’s got millions of dollars and karaoke night with Teri Hatcher, so who’s the winner? I don’t even know what I’m talking about any more. Moving on.
He reminds us of the Judge’s Save, otherwise known as the “extra ten minutes of pain and rejection.” Clips from last night. Tink promises that the elimination is gonna be a huge surprise. It’s so surprising that Bed Head Blind Guy was already shocked by it last night.

AAAAAGGGHHH!! That’s so SURPRISING!

Then we are reminded of my favorite part of last night’s show: Paula telling Blind Mouse he’s using the piano as a crutch as he literally leans on the piano so he won’t trip over something.

I don’t care how much money Paula’s asking for. GIVE IT TO HER!

Tonight’s song massacre is “Trouble”. The boys start it off gathering round the piano while Bed Head plays. It’s no couch dance, but it’ll have to do. Then the girls come out and it’s fun watching Megan Doi try to figure out how to spell “T-R-O-U-B-L-E”.

Watermelon watermelon watermelon

Then the girls all make their way to the judges’ table for the lyrics “Mama had a time tryin’ to raise my kids,” which is the most fitting lyric that’s ever been sung in a group number, considering that three of these girls have kids stuck at their Mom’s house. When we get close ups of Bed Head playing the piano, it looks like he’s just softly tapping one simple cord over and over again. Then the piano starts rocking and sounding awesome, but Scott’s up and dancing now. Cheater!

Mandisa’s back!

Back from break. Tink swallows a water balloon whole. It’s impressive, uncomfortable, and hawt.

The Ford music video is a big water balloon game. Whoever gets the most balloons in Scott’s mouth gets a Ford Focus.

So. Wrong.

Get back here! We’re not done with you yet!

Turns out Tink tried to hit Simon with a water balloon and hit some chunky girl instead. Sorry chunky girl! Next time try not to…be chunky I guess. I’m sure there’s a lesson there somewhere but you’re on your own figuring that one out, sister. And now for a video about how depressed the Puerto Rican Sammy Davis Jr. and Jasmine were when they got booted off last week. The Other Simon spends all the production money on the production, so unfortunately the party’s at Buca di Beppo. Chuck E. Cheese must have been booked.
Jasmine doesn’t stop crying, and all the contestants give farewell speeches. They do realize that everyone but one of them is going at some point, right? Samuel Davis Jr. says “don’t get too comfortable, cuz we are not the only ones getting eliminated.” LOL. We’re on the same page. Just when I think this can’t get any more cheap/depressing, we see Nicolette Sheridan a couple tables over sitting alone waiting for the Desperate Housewives cast to show up for her going away party. Poor Nicolette! Is everyone in Hollywood cheap? Shame on you Other Simon and Marc Cherry!
Tink asks Grace if it was really hard saying bye to Jas and she says yeah but at least there won’t be any more off key screeching coming from their shower while she’s trying to sleep. It’s so emotional saying bye and she was so talented and blahblahblah. Oil Rig Bear, how is it being away from the wife and kids? As an answer, he just pulls out a strip of condoms from his back pocket and woohoooooos. Then he gets serious and says that his four year old daughter asked him “why don’t you want to be with me any more?” AWWWWWWW!!! Instead of just being honest and saying “because you were a mistake” or “because you smell like wet nickels”, Oil Rig just cries. By all means, GO HOME ALREADY.

My goal is to give the girl daddy issues so she’ll grow up to be a decent country singer and live my dream for me just in case this is my last chance in hell and my wife never lets me leave the house again once she finds out I brought home warts.

He may not sing very well, but he’s a very skilled panderer. I just heard the sound of America lapping that up and burping. Megan Doi is crying because that was so damn sad. She’s a mom too! And just in case we forget that she almost died from the flu, she gives us a little cough. To her credit, it sounds a hell of a lot better than her singing. And now for some results. Church Lady is safe (shocker), and so is Little, who acts like she just won a free plasma TV on the inside of an M&Ms wrapper. Anoop is safe, and Cholaheta and Oil Rig Bear have to stand together. Tink asks Paula who she thinks is in the bottom and she refuses to answer, saying no one deserves it. Thankfully, she doesn’t try to reach above two syllables per word. This is only an hour long show. Simon hounds her to answer so she says Chola, but whoever goes home isn’t going home because home is now a different place for them. Yeah, now it’s the place people point at you and go “you lost American Idol, loser. Now bring me an awesome blossom before I diss you in my comment card.” Thanks, AI!
Paula is right. Chola’s in the bottom. LAME!!! And Oil Rig Bear’s safe? How in HELL is that possible? My bad!! He’s in the bottom too! Well at least there’s some justice. He should have told that daughter story last night cuz that was some prime shit.

This is me right now writing this. The glass of wine and pack of Marlboros are out of the shot.

And this is my boyfriend and that’s where he took me for our anniversary. I’m just in a sharing mood I guess.

Since it’s still Country Week, now we get to see Brad Paisley. All I know about him is that he’s married to Kimberly Williams, the girl who became a star in Father of the Bride and then gave it all up to get….wait for it…an EDUCATION. SUCKER! I can get into the pop/country hybrid stuff that’s been coming out lately, but hardcore country is a bit hard for me to understand. All I know is that he can’t hit his own belt notes very well. But here’s a sample of the lyrics: “I can see you with a baby on the way, I can see you with your hair turning grey.” Country girls fall for this crap? A city girl would be like “Oh hell no you didn’t just say that! How bout I can see you having a baby or adopting one when you’re good and damn ready and those aren’t wrinkles, they’re laugh lines, mothafu**a?!” Oh who am I kidding? If I had a man willing to love me uncoditionally I would be five hundred pounds and never groom. It kinda sounds like Heaven. TAKE ME, PAISLEY! TAKE ME NOW!

The Peanuts’ Marcie is a real girl!

Finally. A political party I can believe in.

Watch the road, skank!

Behind the Music: Skara

Blind Bed Head’s in! He does the cutest dance ever. And by cute I mean wow, he’s gonna have to work on that or he’s gonna be alone forever. Megan Doi stands and looks scared shitless, which she should be. She’s SAFE!! Wow. Just wow. Stay hot, hack! Gums is safe. In related news his zit looks ready to explode all over us.

Dang. That thing’s like Iran.

Twink’s in, and Alexis and Hambert have to stand together. Well there’s no way in hell Ham’s going home yet. No one would vote Liza off, girl’s been through a lot. Simon says that he doesn’t change his opinion of Ham’s performance last night and it was horrendous. LOL. Randy guesses that it will be Allison in the bottom. HAHAHAHAH poor Alexis. Randy doesn’t even know her name, she’s in the bottom three, and there’s no way they’re using the save on her. I’m pretty sure that one’s being saved for Ham. The three bottoms are put center stage and Cholaheta is let off the hook. Thank God. I can go the dollar store in Echo Park and shop in peace for at least another week.
Now a montage of Carrie Underwood starting on the farm…

Somewhere out there, beneath the pale blue sky!!!

Suffering through a hideous perm,

Has Bo Bice started a cult yet and what’s it called?

and transforming from a piece of driftwood on stage into a bona fide STAH!!

The rest of your prize is in my trailer, little un.

Carrie’s back tonight with Randy Travis. The audience screams. Either because they love Carrie or because they’re afraid of Randy’s sunken in skeleton face. Carrie is sweet and grateful and boring, and Travis is pretty much the same. They sing “I Told You So”, and Carrie is nasally and belty and awesome. It’s pretty crazy how much stage presence she’s acquired since she was on the show. Then Travis starts singing and since it’s a love song it gets kinda creepy. Especially since he stares at her the whole time like she’s a pat of butter for his dinner roll while she does her best to not look at him.

Help me.

When the song’s over, Tink goes over to sit with Alexis and Oil Rig Bear to talk about how awesome she was.

Uh…thanks.

Tink asks Simon if either one of these contestants is worth using the save and Simon says yes. LIAR!! LIES!! There’s no way in hell either of these two are getting saved. Then there’s this bizarre commercial with Carrie singing to a horse.

Maybe take a day off and, I dunno. Meet some people.

Oil Rig Bear is safe!!! WOW. I didn’t see that one coming. Poor Alexis! She wouldn’t have won anyway, but still. She deserved to go further than Blind Guy and Oil Rig Bear! Simon says she’s the one they considered using the save on, and she sings her guts out to get it. She cries throughout and squeezes as hard as she can and even adds in some extra desperate Mariah hands, but she’s cracky and off key through most of it. It’s sad, cuz she’s trying as hard as she can to not get sent packing and Simon’s just fuckin with her anyway. And, as a huge shocker, Simon says it’s a unanimous good but not good enough. Lata!!
Alexis says she learned about herself and wishes she could have done better. AW. I wonder if she gets to keep all her new ho clothes. Next week the President is on again during Idol. WTF? Why is he on TV every day? And why can’t he preempt, like, Kath and Kim or something? Back off my Idol, OBAMA.