Top Chef: Post Turkey Turkey

This week on Top Chef, Rocco DiSpirito shows up. Thankfully, he’s not in sequins.

She just had a taste of Rocco’s frozen food.

Last week, HoneyBear was kicked off the show for making the worst s’more ever. That’s we get for keeping gays out of the Boy Scouts.

It’s a symptom of repression, I tell ya!

When we open, Jeff the Prettyish Boy is staring out over the city while lifting weights. But he’s kinda slapping them up towards the sky. Me thinks Prettyish doesn’t know how to lift weights. It’s just a cover. He’s really showing off his peepee to Central Park.

Who cares if I was in the bottom last week! I have a huge one! WOOHOOOOO! I’M A WINNNNNAAAAAAA!

Ariane isn’t moping around or whining today because of her brilliant toaster oven turkey performance last week. Sad horns for Carla Beaker! Now she doesn’t have anyone to spout her pop psych “the universe loves you” bs. I confused some of you (cough Chibby cough) by jumping on the Beaker nickname a little too hard, too soon, so I think before we proceed, an introduction is in order. Here’s
Beaker in a positive and warm chi’ed nod to the holidays.

If Beaker’s not stroking Ariane’s hair and telling her that Buddha has a better plan for her, then where is she? She’s stroking Alex’s hair. HA! I knew she’d find someone’s pain to feast on on. Honey Bear left Alex a note because they were roommates. A really looooong note. A Poor Me for Dummies tome. They knew each other for like a week, but ok. It says that Santa Claus isn’t real and life is pain and what’s the point in even trying if people are gonna crush your dreams over not using enough chocolate on a fucking graham cracker? Woah. Way to bring a guy down, HB! Alex is sobbing as he reads it. So is Jamie. What, is a new honorary member to keep Team Rainbow alive? Man up you two! Guess what? Someone’s going home this week too! WAAAH! Wait until they hear about Rosie’s variety show tanking. They’re gonna have to call in the medics.

Before I die, I wanted to tell you that you changed my heart. I have stabbed myself. I am bleeding now. Can’t write much mo….gasp…never forgeeeetttt meeeeeeee. Love always, HoneyBe (and nothing.)

As Jamie spends time in the bathroom gooping on enough makeup to make it look like she’s not wearing any makeup, she puts on a rainbow bracelet and a rainbow t-shirt. Way to make me root against my own team, Jamie! She says that she’s sad about HB but life goes on. “Maybe I’m the strongest person on Team Rainbow. I’m not sure.” I am. You look like you can bench press Prettyish. Patrick looked like a ten year old girl and HoneyBear made smores and banana bread with peanut butter. How strong could he have been?
As the chefs leave the apartment, Melissa, the brown girl from the farm, says “let’s roll like donuts down a hill!” Oy. Farm Girl. Can it. I’ll bet even the goats roll their eyes at that one. They arrive at the kitchen and guess who’s waiting for them! Rocco! I have wanted Rocco to get hit by the A train ever since I watched him whine, snivel, backbite and fuck his way through his reality show The Restaurant while his poor mom got her ass up at 5 in the morning every day to cook the food that he took credit for. Although I have to admit I loved watching him make a total ass out of himself on this season of Dancing with the Stars.

This pic is on my fridge.

Fabio doesn’t seem too impressed. “Eez an Amereecan chef who make Italian. Eez not reel Italian.” LOL. He does, however, own Rocco’s books. They’re close enough to the real thing and Americans keep giving them to him for Christmas because, well, we’re ignorant like that. “Hey Fabio! Let’s have some pizza tonight and then we can catch a Martin Scorsese movie and sip expresso!”
It’s my favorite challenge! The amuse-douche! How fitting that it’s on Rocco’s episode. This is the bite sized challenge, where you can see everyone’s flaws in a really big way. The twist this year is that they will be making a breakfast douche. Mikey, who was a chef at Chile’s or something and possibly the biggest douche to ever appear on this show (in a good way, though), set the bar pretty high for this one with his poopy cheeto penis a couple seasons back. I have faith, though, that this season we have a candidate to out douche him.

Hebedehebedehebede

Rocco tells them with a wink and a man giggle that he loves to pork, so use a lot of bacon. They can’t all be golden, people. And they’re off! Stefan says he’s from California so he’s gonna make Huevos Rancheros. I’d like to see if this gringo can pull that off. He’s lived everywhere. How often does this guy move? Serial killer. I’m tellin’ you. Sure enough, he uses some kind of tool to slice off the top of the egg shell like Sylar does to people’s skulls on Heroes. Coincidence?

Now he can never die!

Prettyish has a lot of things going on. SHOCKER! Maybe you should spend less time on Dildo Beach, you wanker. He wants to impress the judges by doing as much as he can. For a challenge where you’re supposed to make one bite. He says his problem is that he thinks to much. Riiiiight.

Blink. Blink.

Danny tells us that as a kid, he always had a bowl of Corn Flakes and some Zucchini flowers for breakfast. LOL liar. What mother would serve zucchini flowers for breakfast? Not the mother who raised a son that says “powerfullest”, that’s for damn sure. Scary dramatic music plays, which means it must be time for Ariane. She’s gonna make French toast and bacon because that’s what her kids like. I think they probably liked your cherry surprise, too. Don’t listen to kids! They eat boogars!
Fabio tells us that he’s Italian. No sheetz, Sherloke. He doesn’t bother with bacon and eggs! He eats brioche and sips cappuccino! Fabio’s totally cute, but he’s way high maintenance. As a sidenote, someone please confirm that Italians don’t eat eggs. I don’t believe that. Leah is doing her own spin on bacon, eggs and cheese. Leah hasn’t even looked at much less flirted with Hosea, and it’s making me reconsider her Stalker nickname. I think she’s thinking about him, though.

Farm Girl Melissa made a gorgeous little French Toast with eggs, strawberry and bacon. Nice to see her step it up, as she doesn’t say more than one sentence per episode. If she’s got more “let’s roll like donuts down a hill”s in her, I’d like to hear them.

Stefan has made his tiny little huevos rancheros, and Scar calls his presentation lovely. Creative? Ok. Lovely? Hayell no. It looks like the inside of an outhouse.

Hold my hair back, Farm Girl!

Rocco calls the tool used to cut the egg shell “the little special egg cutter thing,” which makes me feel better about knowing what it’s called either. I’m as ignorant as Rocco! High five! Rad says that she loves a big hearty breakfast. That’s not the way to sell a tiny potato pancake with a dollop of egg and hollandaise sauce, babe. It looks like a really fancy chicken nugget, which I approve of.

I’m Lovin’ It

She thinks Rocco doesn’t like it because, well, he just stares at the ground and doesn’t say anything. He might be feeling uncomfortable because Rad looks like she’s on her death bed.

Get some Vitamin D!

Danny came up with a cornflake crusted zuchinii flower stuffed with hash. Nice, It looks someone stuck their finger in crunchy peanut butter. Rocco thinks the too sweet cornflakes threw off the flavor balance.

Ariane made stuffed french toast with chili maple syrup. It’s way to big for an amuse. It looks like a plate of pancakes. Hulleow? Rocco loves it. I’m getting a little worried that Ariane is getting further and further away from a full onscreen mental breakdown, and I’m not happy about it.

Can’t you make her cry and then tell her she did a good job?

Jamie made a blt, basically. And it too, is way too big.

Rocco loves it. Did anyone explain to him what an amuse is? He must have missed that class. It was the same day the “little special egg cutter thing” was brought out. Possible Stalker Leah rightly calls out that there are a lot of big dishes going out for an amuse challenge, but she hopes that actually following the challenge will help her bacon, quail egg and cheese dish take the prize. Well she’s not gonna win in the originality department. How many people made that exact same thing? Rocco loves it, and Scar says it’s the perfect size. Leah says that it is an amuse douche challenge so she did her best to make it ONE BITE. HAHA.

Oh no she didn’t! I’m gonna shove a softball down her throat.

When they get to Fabio, he’s all smiles and charm. He says “Oh! A fellow Italian!” HAHAHAHA. He’s so slimy. Not five minutes ago he said Rocco’s not a real Italian. I am starting to like Fabio.

Rocco doesn’t really have time to say anything because Fabio’s laying on the hard sell. “You don’t a wanna someting beeg and havey for brakevast! You wanna it light and smooooth!” Scar calls bullshit on that one and says his espresso shot is thick as pudding. The charming veneer is instagone.

Sorry buddy. That charm’s not gonna work on her for about forty years and about thirty pounds.

Prettyish made up a room service tray. Seriously, where’s my USA Today you thoughtless punk? A cup of yogurt sorbet and a lump of potatoes with a bowl of grass and flowers with fruit sticks sticking out. HUH? Some people made their amuses a bit large, but Prettyish missed the boat completely. I proclaim him the winner of the douche challenge! If anyone knows him, tell him to email me his address for his frozen Milky Ways.

During break, someone explained to Rocco what an amuse douche is. He says there was a lot of good stuff, but not many amuses. He calls Danny and Fabio out as the bottom three. Fabio smiles and nods to Rocco, but tells us that he should have just made a tiny piece of toast and “zum boolsheet egg” and he would have won. Fabio is a fake two faced bitch. Thank goodness. I thought I was gonna hate him for the whole season.
Rocco liked Stefan’s because it was in an egg, and he also compliments Leah, who falls in love. Scar asks him to name someone else, and there’s a pregnant pause. How rude! He names Jamie, and says that he would pick her and Leah if he could, but Leah wins. Jamie takes it well like she always does.

Dumbass breeder dick face.

Leah has won the best gift ever! Rocco’s new book “Making Millions on the Back of My Mother”, available in stores now! I hope she wraps that shit up and gives it to Fabio for Christmas. Scar says that to be a successful chef, you have to get people to know who you are so they will buy your books and come to your restaurants. You can do this buy getting strong word of mouth because of your amazing talent, but most likely you will have to marry an old rich author with a publisher that will do anything he tells him to or go on TV. The challenge is to make a two and a half minute presentation for a national audience. Beaker looks like she just pooped.

Leah’s not too happy about it either and says that she has a fear of live television. Do they let you do second takes on Top Chef? Come on people, you’re already making asses out of yourselves on TV and you’re doing a great job of it. You’ll be fine. Rocco says the recipes should be very easy to follow for the people at home. I’ve seen him on those shows, and he’s not kidding. Once he just put one of his microwaveable things in the nuker and just winked at the camera for two minutes.
They get to Food Hole and Fabio is getting all anal about his tuna. He insists on cutting it himself and is allowed to get his grimy ass hands all over it. I hope the health department’s watching this crap. He’s gonna do a sesame crusted seared tuna salad. Well, Rocco said to keep it simple. Poor Honey Bear. He must be kicking himself at home right now. Finally a challenge where a pb and j sandwich would have won him a prize and he’s gone. Hosea and Eugene Girl Prison follow Fabio’s lead and go back to get their hands all over their tuna, too. I am never eating at Food Hole again. Not like I could ever afford it anyway. I’m more of a Jon’s (The Mexi Von’s rip off) kinda guy.
Alex tells us that he’s the only person who has the guts to do dessert. Then, as he plans his rose infused creme brulee, he starts thinking about Fay Wray’s suicide note and starts blubbering all over the place. Back in the kitchen, everyone gets down to work. Prettyish is making a shrimp malfouf roll. He says that it sounds intimidating but it’s not. It so doesn’t sound intimidating. It sounds like a gay slur you’d toss at a little person.

Shrimp malfouf.

Fabio doesn’t think there’s any way in hell Alex has time to cook, set and cool creme brulee in an hour, and I think he’s right on that one. He might be in Honey Bear’s arms very soon. Jamie tells us that she’s already done a dish on live television before. Oh snap! So it was at four in the morning on Telemundo, but still. She’s making a frisee salad with a fried duck egg. Way to reach out to Joanne Sixpack, Jamie. A duck egg? Just pick one up at your local supermarket. Next to the snails and the goose liver. Rad says she wants to really show her personality on this one, so she’s doing a spicy shrimp dish no one will remember five minutes after they taste it. Beaker says that she hopes her tortilla soup is a winner because she can’t psychologically take being on the bottom. Aw, if only Patrick with his full face of makeup was here to help you through that one. He could provide you an emotional pillow to bite.

DANG! That thing’s like a baby arm! Maybe we should just cuddle. Doesn’t that sound fun?

Scary thought? It’s nowhere as horrifying as what Danny tells us. “I’d love to act and make a movie cuz I’m very charismatic and I light up in front of the camera.” Did you hear that sound? It’s Joe Pesci laughing his ass off. Hold the delusional and just cook something that doesn’t suck, k? Time’s up!
The judges come in to watch the presentations and Ariane’s up first with her watermelon salad with basil oil. Tom looks amused the whole time like he’s waiting for her to fall on her face, but she’s got just the right balance of desperation, insecurity and really loud cuteness to make it work. Some cut up watermelon with goat cheese and basil oil might be a little too on the simple side though. Whenever I’ve watched pros cook on daytime tv, they do everything really fast and make it look easy, but you’re not supposed to actually be able to figure out how to make what they did. That’s why they’re famous and you’re sitting at home watching daytime tv. If we were all Martha Stewart, our children would grow up to hate us and have an entire radio show dedicated to making us look like assholes. Where was I?
Jamie announces her duck egg salad and Rocco goes “duck egg?!?” and Tom makes this face:

She reminds us that she’s done tv before, but then she doesn’t have time time to let the egg cook all the way and Rocco’s all gross raw egg white. Thanks a hole. Jamie, because she’s a tv pro, just smiles a huge happy go lucky smile and gets on with it. Kidding!

Why’s everybody always pickin’ on me? This is so not how it went on Telemundo.

Alex is next. He starts talking about how to make creme brulee and Scar questions everything. He runs out of time, and he points at Scar. HA and true, but it’s not like the hosts are just gonna keep their yaps shut on daytime TV. I saw a guy almost beat the shit out of Joy Behar once cuz she wouldn’t let him finish his shrimp fajita. It doesn’t get better for Alex when they all taste the finished product, because, dadoink, it’s not finished.
Prettyish “is gonna do ya” a malfouf roll. Scar’s all big and boisterous and condescending like she’s auditioning for the show. You have a job, woman. Cut the crap. The judges make fun of all his wacky ingredients, and he tells us that he’s very excited about the challenge.

This is Prettyish very excited.

Fabio says that he is watching all the other chefs with their overly difficult ingredients and laughing at them because the average person won’t know what the f they’re talking about. “My a mom, she wants to know about tuna and asaragoose and carrot and dats eet!” I almost buy it, then remember that Italians came up with farfalle. We don’t actually see Fabio present, we just hear Gail say “that’s great! When did you arrive from Italy?” and his answer “I am fresh out uh da boat.” He’s so winning.
Danny is next and the judges love it. He turns to the camera and does a few “Hey now!”s and “Bababooie!”s. And Howard Stern bows his head in shame. This guy should be a movie star!

Oh, you. Stop. No really. Stop.

Stefan seems to kill with his minestrone soup, Hosea impresses Daddy Tom with his wasabi peas, and Rocco tests Girl Prison on the difference between sushi and sashimi. Or he’s asking because he doesn’t know. Never can tell with that one. Girl Prison is no help though. His answer is “it all depends on what sushi you like.” Farm Girl almost kills Tom with a habanero pepper, and then it’s Beaker’s turn. The timer starts beeping, so she starts “mememe”ing back to it, having a conversation. Daddy Tom’s like, uh, that’s the timer. You’re finished. Poor thing gets all embarrassed and starts speaking English again. Rad and Leah go over their time too. Leah only gets her corn and blueberry salad done. She tells the judges “I don’t think I ever wanna do live television.” Smooth. Very smooth.
The chefs are left to freak out in the holding tank while Scar opens up the judging. She says that Jamie’s raw egg white brought back memories of climbing the New York social circuit and she never wanted to relive those nightmares again. Tom was disappointed in Leah’s lack of confidence, and says “wow. She opened her mouth and it went down from there.” Scar reminds him that she has immunity and he says that she’s lucky for that. Then Scar laughs and plays with her hair. What an asshole.

OMG SO. BAD! LOLOLOLZ

Tom thinks Alex’s brulee was a silly choice, but Rocco can’t get past Beaker’s talking to the timer. Daddy admits she’s a freak but at least she made a good dish. Gail was charmed by Danny (Gail, you’re a slut) but says that he was kind of a mess. Daddy didn’t like the mugging to the cameras. Danny doesn’t know that yet, and still thinks he’s the next Brad Pitt.

Scar liked Stefan but no one was impressed with his personality. Rocco thinks Farm Girl would never be asked back to do a show again if she burned the host like she burned the judges, and Tom points out that once again, Prettyish had a lot going on. This time, though, he pulled it all together and had a quiet confidence that would work on TV. Whatever you say. He’s fuckable, I’ll give him that. He’s got competition from Fabio though, who Rocco calls “a dream guest”. Until he gets mad. Cut Kelly Rippa’s damn finger right off. Daddy calls Ariane’s presentation perfect and Scar was impressed with her presence. The bottom three are Farm Girl, Alex and Jamie. Top three are Prettyish, Fabio, and Ariane. Scar tells them to go home and consider partying/suicide, depending on their placements.
Jamie is all waaaaaaahhhhhh and cries herself to sleep. Alex says that he made a mistake by doing something difficult and he could have “pussied out” and done a salad but he’s bigger than that.

Wait. Is he talking about me?

It dawns on Ariane that she is the pussy he’s talking about, but she says that she thinks she was smart about it and her dish was good so who cares? Good for her. Leah tells Alex that Alex has acted like he doesn’t care about the competition because he’s getting married. He says that’s true and the show isn’t everything. But then he keeps defending himself. The ones that say the show means nothing never win. They’re like guys who try to break up with you when you invite them to lunch to “talk about some stuff.” Defense.
Leah, whose mouth apparently gets bigger and bigger as she gets more booze into her, starts prodding Farm Girl to go into Judges’ Table swinging because the only person to fight for her is herself. Would you take advice from this girl?

He’s all “you’re retahded” and I’s all “you ah!” And then we fucked on the flooah.

Melissa finally opens up to us, and it’s a doozy. She says “like, if your food isn’t good, people aren’t gonna wanna eat at your restaurant” and “the scariest thing about failing is failing.” LOL. No wonder they never let her talk. And just like that, I am in love with Farm Girl. If she learned to write, I’l bet she’d have a best seller on her hands.

The Farm Girl Almanac – How to Like Think About Thinking

At 2 am, Daddy Tom shows up at the apartments. If Honey Bear was home he’d be in a sling in two seconds flat. He wakes up Ariane and tells her to get to the studio, and then he wakes up Fabio and Prettyish, who seems to think he’s about to have to earn his keep.

The Dildo Club has trained him well.

I have made about ten gay butt sex jokes tonight. I’m sorry. I think I need to get out more. Moving on. Tom gathers the top 3 in the kitchen and tells them that they will be going to the set of the Today Show, where one of the guests will be tasting their food and picking the winner on TV. Oh shit. They better pray for Matt Lauer, cuz Kathie Lee’s on that show, and that bitch is sca. RY. I’d be like, pass! Give it to Farm Girl I’m going back to bed. That woman almost put Regis Philbin in an institution. Kelly Rippa’s like a vacation, if that tells you anything.
They arrive at 30 Rock and get to cook in the Sea Grill’s kitchen. Prettyish says that he’s going to have to serve very complicated food to “a bunch of ladies with unsophisticated palates at six thirty in the morning. I’m pissed off.” DAMN! For those of you who think I called this year’s douche prize too early, I accept your apologies. And who the hell is he to call Kathie Lee unsophisticated? Wait. Ok I’ll give him that one, but still. How rude.
Ariane is more positive about it, saying that she’s ready to show these kids how it’s done. “Here’s the old lady! Let’s do it! Wooot!” One thing this show has always done well is to make you root against someone and then turn the tables and make you root for them. It gives me a headache. They’ve done it again. Well played, Top Chef.

Proudest arm wiggle ever.

Bianca the food stylist gets them ready for the studio. Food stylist. Love it. You know that job’s gonna have it’s own reality show competition any day now. When the other chefs wake up in the morning, there’s a giant flat screen waiting for them in the living room. The top 3 are getting nervous as they watch the monitor in the green room and see hundreds of people outside of the Today Show studio. Prettyish is all “damn that’s a lot of unsophisticated palates.” He says that his heart is pumping and his adrenaline is racing.

This is Prettyish while his heart is pumping and his adrenaline is racing.

Meredith Viera, who has looked like she’s been on ecstasy ever since she left The View, announces Daddy Tom, who tells the ladies of the shitty tongues that he’s chosen the top 3 and it’s up to them to name a winner. The chefs don’t have to do the two and a half minute presentations! What a rip off! Ariane’s watermelon salad is out first. Meredith hates watermelon and doesn’t wanna talk about it. LOL anal leakage. The women don’t shut the hell up even while they’re chewing and you can’t understand a thing they’re saying. Is that show always like this? Who would want to wake up to that? They sound like baby chicks being stepped on. Fabio doesn’t know what the hell they’re saying either, but they look happy.
Prettyish is last with his complex and deep malfouf roll. There are a few “ooh”s and “mmhmm”s, and then Kathie Lee starts gagging and runs to the sink to spit it out!! HAHAHAHAHAH! HAHAHAHAH!!!HAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Holy shit. Best Top Chef Scene ever.

And she wonders why she’s never invited anywhere.

I seriously had to stop and rewatch that three times. It never gets less funny. The women all huddle up to decide the winner, and again, you can’t understand a thing they’re saying.

Could someone get her an Orbit? She smells like bile.

They decide that even Meredith hates watermelon, Ariane’s salad was more original than Fabio’s tuna and SHE WINS!! Aw! I’m actually glad for her! She’s the little spray tanned train that could. Time for Judges’ Table! Fabio is gracious in front of the judges and tells them that Ariane deserved it. Then he starts mumbling curse words in Italian under his breath. Scar announces that Ariane won a prize from Rocco and she’s like “oh shit please not a crappy book”. No! It’s a bag of Rocco’s favorite tools! It has Axe, fake diamond rings, hotel key cards, jock strap sock stuffers, and gum. And that’s not all! She’ll also get to go back to the Today Show and cook. She gets a scared look on her face. “Will Kathie Lee be there?”
They are excused and Alex, Jamie and Farm Girl are brought in.

Jesus. Is the holding tank flooded or what? I haven’t seen such flagrant bad fashion since Josie.

Farm Girl admits that her dish was too spicy but says that she felt it was balanced ok. Rocco says there’s no way she tasted it or she would have been in pain, and Scar whines about getting a scar on the inside of her mouth that no one can photograph. Gail says that habanero peppers aren’t for people at home with no experience. LOL. Thanks for worrying about our safety Gail. And might I add that that’s a lovely pillow case you’re wearing today.

And you didn’t even have to get up at two in the morning, so there’s no excuse.

Jamie says that she was frazzled and she knew that the egg wasn’t done but she was afraid of not finishing. Tom says she should have flipped the egg. She apologizes, but Rocco calls her out on acting like a baby when it didn’t turn out right, and she says that she was disappointed in herself and could have done better. Alex says that he chose a creme brulee because he wanted to push himself and Tom said the point is to win and that’s kinda hard when you choose an impossible dish. Alex basically just admits he’s a dumbass.
Farm Girl says very strongly that she like wants to like be here. Daddy Tom messes with her a bit and replies that she sounds like she’s suggesting that someone else doesn’t want to be here. Cut to Alex. She refuses to stab him in the back, though, and says that she can only speak for herself and begs to not be sent back to the farm. She’s addicted to toilets that flush. Alex says that he should stay because he’s better than what he’s shown so far. They are excused.
Rocco says all of the dishes were inedible. Tom thinks that Jamie’s dish was close to being good, but Rocco says that a raw egg is not close to being ok. Damn, Rocco. You’d think you actually did something in life other that appear on TV shows and sell your mom’s recipes. He adds that he didn’t like Jamie’s angry dyke act. Rocco also doesn’t like the Farm Girl was defensive. Gail can’t believe that Alex would set himself up for failure like that. Tom liked the presentation, but obviously it was a sloppy mess because it wasn’t done.
Back in the holding tank, Farm Girl is telling Leah and Hosea that she pointed out that she wanted to be there while someone else didn’t and tries to make herself sound all bad ass. Alex hears her and asks Jamie if he’s being thrown under the bus. No judges are here, so who cares? He says it’s not cool that he’s being thrown under the bus. The only thing worse than that saying is when someone repeats it over and over without knowing what it means. I’ll throw you under a damn bus if you say it one more time? No? That’s what I thought.

EW

Porn music plays and Hosea and Leah are all over each other. So she’s not a stalker…Codependent Leah? Does that work? Hosea draws an I Heart L on her leg and I have to pause to go smoke five cigarettes and try to refrain from poking my eyes out. Beaker explains it for us. They’re not in a serious relationship, they just have a sexual attraction “and that’s what we’re seeing.” She sounds like a narrator on Animal Planet.

D. Any one of them, as long as Kathie Lee could co star to spit shit out.

The bottom three are called back to the Judges, and Alex is out! He, of course, blames it on the fact that he’s got his mind on his wife to be. He doesn’t cry, he doesn’t freak, and he only gets like two closing sentences. Meh. Later skater. The editors found him about as fascinating as I did. Next week, Gail’s bridal shower!! OH MY GOD. That’s gonna be like the worst fashion show ever. Birds of a feather! See you then!