FlipitTypes TV – Recaps, Gossip, and Trash Talk

This week on Top Chef, Scar smokes a bowl and gets so hungry that she bites off Gail’s cheek right before her wedding.

At the beginning of this episode, I have trouble remembering why I don’t like Prettyish Boy very much.

Just stay right there forever. Your personality has just become bearable.

And….he’s back. Dammit.

Farm Girl Melissa is still rattled about almost getting her ass sent back to Bessie and Uncle Henry and Auntie Em. As she lays on the couch and thinks deeply, she tells us “it’s time to do something…smart.” There’s a plan. She’s a badass today with her black jelly bracelets and her bangs. She might look like a total dork in NYC, but in Happinessville or wherever the fuck, she’s the rebel scary quiet “artistic” girl everyone secretly suspects is the one cutting baby Jesus heads off front yard nativity scenes all across the county.

If they send me back to the farm I’m burning that f ing place down I SWEAR TO GOD.

Scariane reminds us that she’s forty one years old and then kicks her ankle behind her head like Sally O’Malley. We get it. You’re the oldest one. Jesus. You’re not pooping the bed or falling over cracks in the sidewalk for fuck’s sake. You want a medal? Well when they invent medals for making fruit salads I’ll buy one and ship it to you just SHUT UP. She says that she’s feeling more confident in herself and feeling more comfortable with the other contestants even though they still have bits of placenta on their face. Then she picks up a swiffer sweeper to keep her busy while everyone else pals around and bonds over young people conversation about Hanna Montana and the new Wiggle not being as fascinating or gay as the one he replaced.

I’m only swifferering until I feel my heart rate go up. I don’t want to keel over and hand the win to these darn kids!

Jamie sits at the kitchen table giggling about the new gift Stefan made her. He got a stuffed dog and put pants on it made out of a napkin. LOL. Jamie tells us that she likes Stefan even though he’s the biggest egotistical prick on the show, but she’s a lesbian and lesbians like p…well, not dudes. Stefan doesn’t deny it, telling us that he thinks Jamie is sexy. He would think the stout rough rider with tat sleeves is sexy. When I was a child I saw my hamster eat her babies and I was less disturbed then than I am not. Stefan’s wearing a tshirt that says “I Make Good Baby”. Between Good and Baby add in Test Tube and she’ll totally shake you on it and possibly buy you dinner. The best part of all this is watching Possible Stalker Leah’s face as Jamie laughs about her gift.

I’m so…happy for you. WAAAAHHHHHHH. I’m going to kill Hosea while he sleeps.

Scar shows up for the Quickfire Challenge solo. And dowdy. And really confused and sad looking. Damn lady at least comb your hair. Remember when she would show up in a bikini and a fur coat? What happened to that Scar? I want her baaaaack!

Late night?

Todays challenge is Name That Ingredient!, and everyone chooses knives to see who’s paired against who. The best thing about being a few weeks into a reality show is that the contestants become totally unaware that they are on camera and become real people and not gaping annoying fame desperate goobers.

¿Qué carisma!

The pairs who share numbers will be competing against each other. They will taste the same sauce and then face off on who knows the most ingredients in it. Danny and Hosea are facing off first. Danny the future movie star feels like a winna. You can feel however you want to, but you’re still wearing the sad clown facial hair and now you’re trying to grow a fauxhawk.

You might wanna rethink that. Bravo banned the fauxhawk this season, Sad Bozo.

They are tasting a shrimp and lobster bouillabaisse and have fifteen seconds to get their palates working. Hosea says he can name four ingredients, and for Danny to beat him he has to agree to name five. He won’t. HAHAHA. What a wuss. Hosea names onions, carrot, shrimp, and lemon. Ding ding ding! Danny’s out. But he has to put a call into his agent anyway, so he’s all good with it.
Scariane and Prettyish Jeff are next. Prettyish tries to one up Scari but is buzzed out when he guesses crab. This causes Scariane to make the following face.

Please stop winning. It’s bad for your face.

Stefan is up against the turtle love of his life, Jamie. He says he’ll name three. She ups him one so he ups her one. Then he plays it smart and adds salt, pepper and olive oil. HA. Jamie retracts her head into her body and he gets a boner. Girl Prison Eugene loses to Leah by naming “fish sauce” as an ingredient. LOL. What are they serving in girl prisons these days? Fabio loses when he won’t try to one up Rad’s simple ass threat of three guesses. HUH? That one shocked me. Beaker Carla is up against Farm Girl, who’s wearing a trucker cap sideways. Farm Girl gets sadder by the second.

Wanksta.

Beaker tells us that she’s not afraid of misguided hicks from Happinessville because she has her spirituality. “I tend to be able to think of an ingredient and actually taste it in my mind.” Then the camera guy throws his shoe at her face.

I fall for that every time!

She wins by naming four ingredients.

Mememememeemememeeee!

The winners of round 1 are left to face off over Thai green curry. Hosea knows what it is immediately and whips Scariane’s butt. She starts talking about how when she came to this country she had to earn her land by racing to it and putting a flag in the ground and she’s not about to get kicked off by some young whippersnapper! Scar explains that it’s just the Quickfire and she’s not being eliminated. Then Scari kicks up her leg and screeches I’M FORTY ONE! FORTY ONE YEAHS OLD!
Stefan gives smug dickish looks to Leah as they face off and keeps one upping her all the way up to eight ingredients. She concedes and he gets every one. He tells us that of course he’s confident because he’s really smart and he doesn’t give a shit about any of these people. Uh, the pants on the stuffed dog say different. Leah, the polite wallflower, tells us that he’s an asshole and she’s pissed she lost to him. Who else is kinda falling in love with Stefan right now?
Rad loses to Beaker when she says she can name seven ingredients. Come on, Rad. You lost in a curry challenge? Dry your tears, India. It’ll be ok. She doesn’t take her loss well and does a really rude imitation of Beaker.

That’s just mean.

For round three, Beaker, Stefan and Hosea all taste mole sauce and have to take turns naming ingredients one by one until someone’s eliminated. Beaker actually flares the underside of her face like a frog fast forwarded and it’s freaky. It looks like the puppeteer was shoving his hand up her and the camera turned on too quickly. Stefan looks grossed out by the mole. What, they don’t put chocolate on their enchiladas in Germany? Cretins. Beaker’s first guess is peanut butter. LOL. That creative visualization crap is turning this country into a bunch of delusional hippies. Once again, her spirit guys have fucked with her. Cool throat flare though. Stefan loses on tomato paste, handing Hosea a win! Hosea’s clearly not Hispanic, but his name is pronounced Jose, so it’s kind of fitting and I think Mexico should feel proud anyways.

Yes way, Jose!

Stefan is all red faced and pissed. HA. The Elimination Challenge involves pulling knives too, but these say Old, New, Borrowed and Blue. Don’t tell me Scar found another fat hairy rich old dude with a decent publisher again. Scariane is old as the first pebble on the first beach God ever made, so she knows the old, new, borrowed and blue means they’re going to be catering a wedding or something. Glad you’re here to help, Ariane. Really. Rad says that she would rather be on Satan’s team than Stefan’s, and then he picks a knife for a different team. Unfortunately, Satan hears everything and not only has Rad just completely embarrassed India in this episode, she’s also sold her soul to Satan. Smooth move. Scariane’s beaming that she’s not on the old team.
Scar says that she’s throwing a bridal shower for her good friend Gail Simmons. Dang, Scar. Way to be cheap about it. She’s probably at home wrapping Glad disposable tupperware as Christmas gifts right now. The important thing is GAIL’S GETTING MARRIED!!! How cute! No wonder she doesn’t give a crap what she looks like. Gail comes in in her predictably ill-filling eggplant dress she picked up off the floor at Ross Dress for Less and tells the chefs that she will have around forty guests and “these are not women who like their salad dressing on the side, if you know what I mean.” We have the same kind of friends! Long live fat chicks!

If my heifers ain’t happy, taint nobody happy!

I like to make fun of Gail, but I really like her and am glad she suckered someone into marrying her. That’s quite a feat these days. Jamie? Not so happy. Straight women are petty bitches, bridal showers are retarded…she tries to call into work gay but Gail turns her down. The only thing Gail asks is that they don’t make anything with veal or black beans or burnt charred rubbery eggs.
On Team Borrowed, Jamie comes up with the idea to use food items borrowed from her team’s cultures. That’s a great idea. Rad has Indian food, Jamie has sushi and or chicken wings, and Scariane can just set up a spray tanning booth for the women. Who doesn’t love a free spray tan? Rad is a little worried about this one, because she doesn’t want the Judges to think that she only knows how to make Indian food. Girl, you’ve said that from day one and you’ve made Indian food ninety percent of the time. Besides, you just failed a curry challenge. Might want to remind the Judges that you can make Indian food.
Team Blue is Leah, Farm Girl, and Fabio. Leah tries to brainstorm blue foods but can’t think of any. Amateur! Blue M&Ms, Fruity Pebbles milk, popsicles. Do I have to do everything for you? Fabio says they should probably not be so literal and go with a theme. Fish are from the ocean, which is blue, so there you go. Yawn. When I’m blue, I eat frozen Milky Ways, $5 Little Caesars and fingernails. Unfortunately, no one can hear me through the TV. Can’t save everyone.

If I have to go back to the farm tonight I’m gonna knock over so many mailboxes the Post Office will have to close for a week.

Daniel, Beaker and Girl Prison are on Team Something New. Danny thinks they should go with pickled things. LOL. Nothing says new and fresh like shit that’s preserved to last longer than Ariane. Beaker and Girl Prison both try to explain to him that pickled means old, but he just gets a big stupid look on his face and blinks a lot. Girl Prison suggests a surf and turf sushi roll. Danny asks if they can pickle it. He is voted down. Blink. Blink. Beaker doesn’t like GP’s idea, either. “What about sushi says new?” Uh, what about surf and turf says sushi? is a better question. She bugs her eyes a bit and decides not to speak up. DANGER!

Beaker’s imitation of a dead fish.

Girl Prison’s idea is to do a cooked shrimp wrapped rice and topped with seared steak. That sounds just wrong. He boasts that it’s a completely new idea. Dishwashers get the darndest notions when they watch plates being emptied into a trash can. Shrimp? Beef? Rice? Roll that shit up in seaweed and you’ll never wash dishes again.
Over on Team Something Old, Stefan is being bossy and militant. They come up with the idea to do their own dishes based on heirloom tomotoes. Prettyish Boy suggests Fried Green Tomatoes, because Jessica Tandy was in it and there was nothing older than her. Until she died. Leaving Ariane to take her spot. He decides on carpaccio with tomato sorbet. Stefan tells him not to do it because he will have to make forty plates of it and sorbet will melt all over everything. Jose and Prettyish are both offended at Stefan’s endless commentary and pushy attitude, but he’s right. And he’s a caterer. And he wins. Just listen to him! We need to keep at least one guy who works out on this show, even if it’s Prettyish.

Tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet.

The chefs make their way to Whole Foods so Stefan can stick his nose into everything and Danny can taste all the samples. Seriously, get your fat mitts off the peach sorbet and out of the pickle aisle, Supastah. Beaker can’t find her teammates and keeps calling out “hootie!” in a high pitched voice. She explains that when she and her husband (I know. I was shocked too) lose each other in a crowd, one of them goes “hootie!” and the other one answers back “hoo!” like an owel. What an obnoxious couple. I hope I see Beaker lost in a crowd one day. I’m just gonna follow her around and every time she calls “hootie!” I’m gonna screech “blowfish” in the highest tone I can muster until she cries.
Danny tries to contribute to the surf and turf dish by standing in front of A-1 sauce. Girl Prisons all “wait in the car.” Jose is starting to get really pissed at Stefan too, because he keeps bossing him around and treating him like an idiot. Don’t be so offended. I used to work with Germans and one girl called me Fatso as a nickname. I got all upset about it (back when I gave a cracker) and she explained that she was trying to be my friend. I was touched. Every Christmas I look for a flaming bag of dog poo in my mailbox, but nothing. I miss you, Sabina! Stef tells us that Jose is a douche and has immunity and doesn’t give a crap what he makes. I think I smell a new friendship forming!
Back in the kitchen, everyone starts talking about their menus and this time I don’t even start typing. See? I learn.

Rad tells us that she wants to prove to the other chefs that you can make a beautiful dish without being “overtly Indian”. But can you get me from the Bronx to midtown in less than fifteen minutes? Time’s a ticking.

Danny always runs into the kitchen, and he did it today, too. Then he just stands around. Like the whole time. Girl Prison is making their sushi rice with a cooker that has a timer on it, and when it starts beeping, Danny asks if he should help. Girl Prison tells him to just go back to what he’s doing, which he does.

So….did you ever see Raging Bull?

Team Blue has decided to go with Fabio’s ocean theme. They’re making Chilean sea bass, (how very 1999 of you. That fish was very popular before it teetered on the edge of the ENDANGERED SPECIES LIST ), roasted corn puree and Swiss chard. They only have three things so I typed it out. I didn’t want you guys to think I was getting lazy. Stefan and Fabio trade some of their wacky European rivalry/besty barbs, and the other chefs look like they’re over it.

So, where you guys from?

Team Old is doing…wait. There are a lot of words there. Hold on.

With a side of giant egg head.

Girl Prison’s rice was left in the cooker too long, and it’s way too sticky to use. Danny comes up with a brilliant remedy. Just kidding! He stands there and blinks.

Hero

Daddy Tom comes in to check on progress. He laughs with Team Blue about there being no such thing as blue food. Ah, how quickly we forget.

Dung! I miss ya buddy!

He’s also all smiles with Team Borrowed. When Scariane tells him that her team is borrowing her talents, he almost laughs himself into a lung collapse. He tries to keep his smile going for Girl Prison’s fully cooked sushi with Danny’s special peach bbq sauce, but poor guy has a rough time.

You do that.

Tom seems to like the trio of heirloom tomatoes idea. He asks Team Old if any of them are married. Stefan has been twice, to the same woman. But now he’s divorced again and happy about it. He is red in the face as he says it, so I don’t believe him. Poor asshole Stefan. He should have tried a little less “you stoopeed woman you don’d know nuzink” and more “hootie hoo!” Tom’s being really nice today, which makes me nervous. Some people just don’t look right when they smile.
Since it’s a supersized episode today, we get the Daddy Tom Sports Commentary. He thinks Team Blue is boing and Team New is insane. While he talks, we see Danny stirring his peach bbq sauce. Just a question. Did Danny take the peach sorbet from Whole Foods and just blend it in with A-1 sauce? Please, please someone confirm that that’s not what he did.
As time winds down, Girl Prison finds a way to make his failed rice work by turning it into chile sticky rice. Danny stops his frantic standing there to give his friend a high five. Then he starts asking if he’s seen Gangs of New York. Jose is worried that he can’t taste Stefan’s terrine before it goes out because it needs to set and it might make all the other food taste like “crap mixed in your mouth.” I don’t know about you, but I’m starving. Farm Girl worries that Team Blue’s dish might be lacking a little pizazz.

Your jelly bracelets and trucker hat can totally make up for that. Get dressed, girl!

Later that night, a few chefs chill on the balcony and try not to laugh while Danny lifts three pound weights. Girl Prison comes up with what he thinks is a brilliant idea. We know before he even begins that it’s not, because scary haunted house music is playing. He thinks that they should serve their sushi banchan style, which usually means it’s served in a bunch of little bowls. He thinks their dish should be in separate pieces so that the guests can build their own rolls. Don’t you roll sushi? How the hell are they supposed to do that?
So you’re basically gonna serve them a piece of shrimp, a piece of seared steak, and sticky rice topped with Danny’s peach sorbet A1? Wow. Danny smiles and cheers that idea on, and Beaker even thinks it’s a good one. Stefan calls bullshit and tries to warn them that it’s a horrible idea because no one wants to have to touch their food with their fingers and women don’t like to make their own food. No wonder he divorced that wench twice. She was like “where’s my dinner, a hole?” until he just couldn’t take it any more.

Baby steps.

Girl Prison waves Stefan off and tells him to mind his own beeswax because “this fits what Gail is about to do with her life.” Make a big fucking gross mess. Consider this your warning, Simmons! If that segment hasn’t grossed you out, then here you go.

Now picture them naked. You’re welcome.

Stefan tries to get a kiss off Jamie and Beaker tries to pretend she’s not trying to get a kiss off Jamie. I can’t take it.

OK seriously stop it.

Jose and Possible Stalker Leah play cards and make googly eyes at her and he flirts by calling her a loser. He then explains to us that they’re just friends because she’s got a boyfriend back home that she lives with and he lives with his girlfriend. NOT ANYMORE YOU DON’T. You know his shit’s been on the sidewalk for at least two weeks. Leah pronounces your name Hozayuh, Jose. She’s in love.
Fabio’s married. Is anyone else not liking this romance theme? It might be my trust or commitment issues, but I just don’t wanna know. I’d like to think that everyone goes home, lets their dog out to pee, and then watches their Tivo alone with a vaporizer. His wedding picture is about as cheezy as you’d think it would be.

Zales and Axe teamed up for this wedding. Scar’s not the only one who knows how to score a freebie!

Scariane and the girls talk about her wedding back when the father of the bride had to give a cow to the groom’s family. I press FF until I see a Toyota. Gail arrives at a restaurant called Twenty Four Fifth with her girlfriends and unfortunately, they’re not fat. I totally thought I was gonna make new imaginary friends to pay me imaginary attention. Wah. On the bright side, Gail looks like she was just attacked by paintballers.

These two look like the sheet aisle at Big Lots.

Scar, of course, shows up with her boobs hanging out and sits next to the frumpiest copy editor she can find.

So not invited to the wedding.

Scar gives the first toast. She calls all the women beautiful and thanks them for coming by to express their love for Gail with a free dinner. Gail’s like thanks put those things away please there are no senior citizens here. Daddy Tom shows up in the kitchen, which makes Fabio nervous because, as he puts it “eet eez lige eef you are a preest and you have a da pope in da room.” The thought of Fabio as a priest and Daddy Tom as the pope is kinda hot, no? Maybe I’m for love, after all. Or at least really hot guilt inducing sex scenes.
Scar introduces the chefs to Dana Cowin, the Editor of Food and Wine Magazine, known from here on out as Gail’s Sister in Really Bad Patterns. Team Old is out first. Stefan reminds us that he hates Prettyish Boy’s sorbet idea, but it looks good.

In an infected boil kind of a way.

Stefan’s terrine looks beautiful…

…and Jose made tomato gazpacho with mint, waremelon and cucumber salsa served in a tall shot glass that he almost spilled all over a guest due to his shaky hands. Aw! The ladies tell him not to be nervous because he’s around a bunch of girls. Uncomfortable silence. Possible Stalker Leah stands at the door with a knife and vows to cut the bitch who had the nuts to flirt with her showmance. Tom eats the entire terrine in the kitchen, but one of the guests calls it bland. Everyone agrees that Prettyish Boy’s boil sorbet is the best thing on the plate.
Team New is next, and wow. Danny. When Beaker isn’t looking, Danny decides that it would be nice of him to cut up some mushrooms and add them to the bottom of her salad. DADOINK. WHAT? He should be cut for that alone, if not for dousing her salad in too much vinegar. Has anyone on this show ever added to someone else’s dish as a surprise? EVER? There are a LOT of components on the plate for Team New, but Danny says that it’s good because “that’s new!” There’s a little crispy this, a little crunchy that, “a little splooge of this.” Dear God, please let Danny use the word splooge when he describes the dish to the ladies. PLEASE. Finally it hits me. Danny does look like a star! Deputy Dog!

Going up?

Girl Prison tells the ladies that sushi doesn’t have to be raw and it doesn’t have to be rolled. Thanks for educating the employees of Food and Wine magazine what sushi is. Or isn’t. Oh god I don’t even know what to say about this one. There is nothing sushi about it. Is that shrimp tempura? And wow. Seaweed looks delicious by itself. Danny tops it off by announcing that he put sorbet on the plate “basically, you use it…at the end of the course…to cleanse your palate….to go on to the next course.” I predict that the next issue of Food and Wine will be less ignorant. You got schooled, bitches!

Gail, welcome to the representation of the rest of your life. Hope you signed a prenup.

Scar waves her seaweed around like WTF? and one of Gail’s friends says she’s confused about how to eat it. Girl Prison realizes back in the kitchen that he didn’t explain that they were supposed to roll their own roll and thinks it’s gonna come back to bite him in the ass. The how is the least of your problems. Another friend tells Gail she hopes she has more luck in her marriage than this dish had and Gail says “I know. This is not a good start to a new life.” Ouch. Gail’s Sister in Really Bad Patterns says they shouldn’t have called it sushi because there’s nothing sushi-ish about it. Thank you, GSIRBP. Let’s hang out. Just change first. You’re hurting my pupils.
Jamie, as usual, is confident that she’s gonna win this one because “I came up with the idea for this dish.” The idea to to steal Rad’s gimmick. Good one.

Jamie is done with her puree (that girls best friend is a blender), Rad’s done with her raita, but Scariane is running behind on the lamb, and she doesn’t stress well. Jamie starts freaking out, and Rad just stands back and gets paler. Scari leaves the lamb in for longer and all the chefs help them plate. The drama! By the time it goes out, it looks perfect. Ariane needs to calm the f down. She must have some very shell shocked children. THE SCHOOL BUS IS GONNA BE HERE IN FIVE MINUTES! HURRY AND CATCH IT OR WE’RE ALL GONNA DIIIIIEEEEE!

It was a hit all around. The lamb was cooked perfectly and everything went well together. All that scary music for nothing. Team Blue is next, and it doesn’t look like they’re gonna be so lucky. Leah thinks their fish tastes bland, and the dish isn’t even pretty to look at. One thing they’re smart about is letting Fabio do the talking. Sure enough, when he comes out and says “you all looks beaueeful!” the women start laughing and giggling and fanning themselves. Gail and her desperate ass friends.

This will look exactly the same on it’s way back out.

So it might not look good, but the fish is coated with blue corn flower and green and yellow make blue. The ladies all applaud and giggle and Fabio winks at us. “They bought it!” HA. Gail’s Sister in Really Bad Patterns chooses her words kindly, saying that she prefers flavors that are a bit more challenging to her palate. Another of Gail’s friend’s spells it out for us. “It tastes like old people food.” HAHAHAAAAA. Daddy Tom tells the chefs good job and excuses them while Gail thanks her friends for being kind, generous, and most of all, not cuter than her during her bridal shower.

Thank you, non hot friends! I’m ADORABLE!

Back at the studio, the chefs get wasted in the holding tank. Scar comes in and calls in Teams Borrowed and Old. They look disappointed, but they’re the top two. I don’t think anyone told them this episode is going to be supersized. When they find out they’re not on the bottom they all hug. Scariane is slurring. She’s tanked! I love it. Prettyish’s sorbet is called “the star of that dish.” Stefan takes it well.

I keel you.

Jamie is commended for her carrot puree and Daddy Tom calls Scariane’s lamb perfectly done. Gail’s Sister in Really Bad Patterns says the winner had the most flavorful dish of the night, and it’s…as she’s about to announce the name, Jamie turns to Ariane and says “I really want this win.”…Ariane! Jamie gives Scari a dirty look! LOL and what a c word.

Back off, blender bitch!

Ariane is shocked and drunkenly kicks up her ankle. She won cookware. It’s no book by Rocco, but it’ll do. Jamie mopes around in the holding tank. Scariane asks her to please not be upset with her and Jamie gives her a dirty look and says she’s not. Then she continues pouting and tells us that she’s always the bridesmaid and never the non recognized bride. It would have been kinda endearing if she stopped there, but she adds “none of us expected anyone but me to win, so I’m pissed.” Then she retracts her head into her body and cries. What an asshole.

You got hamburgled.

The loozas are called in. Team New is first. Scar didn’t get it. Girl Prison says he should have explained how to eat it and his rice was a mess up so he did his best to save it by adding to it. GSIRBP says that adding to it doesn’t make it less mushy. Beaker is shaking her head the whole time like “Girl I knew this was a disaster and I told em!” but the only problem is, she didn’t. Scar calls her on her freaky face making and asks if she agreed with the dish they made. Beaker says no, but she was a part of the team and allowed it to happen. Impressive. I thought she was about to stab everyone in the back. Girl Prison says he wasn’t happy either, but Danny says he was unbelievably happy. Then I, Daddy Tom, and America did this.

Tom points out that the dish was a conceptual nightmare. Scar asks why there were mushrooms at the bottom of the salad. Beaker gets nervous but doesn’t want to come off as a bitch about it. Danny takes credit and Scar asks Beaker how she thought the mushrooms tasted. Beaker answers that she didn’t taste them, but doesn’t mention that she didn’t even know about them. There’s being nice, and there’s being an idiot. Scar kinda yells “you didn’t taste them?” and Beaker flares/bugs her eyes. Danny raises his hand and says he made them, he tasted them, and he thought they tasted great. Tom says they were really bad and asks if Danny still liked the dish. Danny says yes. HAHAHA. Tom rolls his eyes and moves on.
Leah stands up for Team Blue’s dish because they were creative with how they went about the blue portion. Gail says it was boring and mushy and mentions the friend who called it old people food. Tom calls it a sad, safe dish. Fabio gets defensive and tries to argue that there is nothing safe about cooking fish for forty and Tom rolls his eyes and says there’s nothing hard about making forty pieces of fish. Especially Chilean Sea Bass. Fabio shakes his head but shuts his mouth. They’re excused.
In alone time, the judges all agree that Team Blue was snore but they really hated Team New. Scar calls their work “indefensible” and “subpar” and GSIRBP calls it “catastrophic”. The salad was the best part, and that’s sad. Gail gives Beaker props for keeping her integrity and not bad mouthing her team even though you could tell she wanted to, but GSIRBP says that a real chef would have fought for her dish and not allowed that mess to happen in the first place.

He’s still smiling! Is this guy having an affair? Discuss.

Daddy Tom calls the chefs back in and says Judges’ Table was so harsh because it was a very personal challenge and they boned it. Oh come on. Was that really Gail’s only bridal shower? Cuz that’s sad. He tells Team Blue that if they keep up the boring, they’re all gonna get canned. Then he excuses them and tells Team New that they were a total mess. The rice and the shrimp were both really bad. Beaker has good instincts but needs to stop being a wuss, and Danny’s just a time wasting ignoramus. He adds that he wants to send them all home, but they’re under contract to squeeze every second they can out of the season so just Danny’s out.
He chalks it up to being misunderstood and says that he would have stayed longer if he was a bad person who threw people under the bus. Like the people who stayed? Dumbass. There’s nothing more I can really say about this tool, so I’ll let him finish in his own words:
“There’s wrong decisions in football games, ya know whaddimean? Barry Sanders runs da ball, da guy grabs the back of his jersey. The refs didn’t see it, but all the fans saw it so everybody’s booin’, ya know whaddimean? The ref makes da final call, and there’s nothin’ you can do.” Wait. Who’s Barry Sanders? Who grabbed his shirt? And who booed when his ass got tackled? Anyone? Anyone? Anyone?

See you on the big screen, Bozo.