FlipitTypes TV – Recaps, Gossip, and Trash Talk

This week on a very special Thanksgiving Top Chef, Ariane doesn’t cry, Prettyish Boy gets ugly, and Jamie starts to reveal her inner c word.

Damn. I was hoping for Huey Lewis and the News.

The morning starts off with those Wacky Europeans giggling and poking each other’s tummies in the kitchen. This is episode what, 3? I’m already sick of these Eurolove segments. Fitting that Stefan’s wearing a recycling shirt. And yes, he’s walking a little funny today, but he’s not feeling like less of a man about it. Fair’s fair!

I have to tell you a funny story. I was at an Orphan Thanksgiving, which is where a bunch of random friends who don’t go home for the holidays gather. I took my friend Tricia, who wore a red velvet jump suit from the 70′s and got hammered within ten minutes (I was hammered right along with her, for the record). We were sitting there talking to a couple we didn’t know, and Top Chef came up. Tricia started ranting about how she hates the Euros and how unfair it is that they get to compete in an American competition. “Go back to Europe, you arrogant bastards! I MEAN, I’M SICK OF IT!” I mentioned she was hammered, right? Anyway, the guy in the couple was Italian, and looked very uncomfortable. He goes “Thees show I do not see.” And Tricia, not even getting the hole she had dug for herself, turns to him and goes, “They’re all assholes.” LOLOLOLL. A T Day I will never forget. OK now back to the recap.
Ariane is eating her breakfast and complaining about last week’s loss to the only person who will listen to her, Carla. You guys came up with some killer names for her in the comments section last week. They included: Red Fraggle, Tracee Ellis Ross, Sideshow Bob, Jar Jar Binks (hahahahaaaa), and the winner, Beeker. Congrats, Waffleboy! You win a pack of saltines! Send your address to Flipit75@gmail.com. Speaking of nicknames, HoneyBear tells us the nicknames he’s come up with for the cast. Prettyish Boy is Don Johnson, Fabio’s the cute Italian, Leah the Stalker is The Fun Flirty One With a Nice Rack,…ok worst nicknames ever. Come on, HB. At least try and represent. And speaking of misguided gays, who designed this place?

Might wanna put those morning candles out. Don’t want your giant bell pepper portrait to go up in flames. Head slap.

The Chef’s get to the kitchen, where Scar is waiting for them dressed like the Purple Old People Eater.

Watch out, Seniors!

Grant Achatz is the guest judge. According to Wikipedia, Grant is “considered to be on the cutting edge of the movement of menu item construction often referred to as molecular gastronomy”. In other words, he’s Marcel, our favorite gastro monkey, with a haircut and an even worse goatee.

I didn’t think it was possible to out douche Marcel’s facial hair, but by God sir, you’ve done it. Well played indeed.

On a side note, Eugene the Girl Prisoner looks like he was just involved in a drive by.

Shoulda done what Big Martha told you to do. Now she’ll be trying to get you for the rest of your life.

Hosea’s excited about Grant being the judge because he is a cancer survivor like Hosea’s dad. He’s also excited because a molecular gastronomist wouldn’t frown upon the chemicals that canned crab is soaked in.
The chefs pick knives for this challenge, and the knives correlate to a page in the Top Chef Cookbook, available for Christmas now in a bookstore near you. Aren’t ya GLAD? I hope someone gets stuck with the poop ball penis Cheeto. Prettyish is doing Howie’s fennel crusted pork chops, and he says he only needs fifteen minutes to knock this one out instead of the allotted hour. So I guess that means we won’t get to see him not finishing on time like, well, almost every other challenge up to now. Darn! I’m gonna miss that.
The weird overly tanned farm girl we never see, Melissa, is making Tre and CJ’s Black Truffle and Parmesan Linguine from the Rocco DiSpirito frozen food challenge. She’s going to try to avoid the ingredients they chose because the dish doesn’t have to be frozen this time. She should also try to avoid coming off as slimy and desperate for attention as Rocco. I think she’s ok there, though, cuz I never remember her name til it’s flashed on the screen.
Leah the Stalker picked Hung’s Tuna Tartare. She gets an hour to season raw fish? WTF? Wait. Scar and Grant come back into the kitchen and stop them. The plan has changed. Now they have to take the same ingredients and make soup. Tuna Soup? Yum. Fabio has the most trouble wrapping his mind around this one. “What ees dis soup?” My interest level just rose immensely. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, they are given SWANSON broth to use in their NOT KENMORE kitchen before wrapping everything up in GLAD and driving home in their RAV 4s. BLUEFLY!
Stalker Leah has decided to keep her tuna raw and use the white asparagus as her base. Sound disgusting? She thinks so too. And dramatic music is playing under her, which can’t be good. Or could it? You’re so tricky, Top Chef! Beeker was assigned Lia’s olive oil poached shrimp, and she’s psyched, because she’s Beeker and she’s psyched about everything. She says that at first she was apprehensive but then she added her special ingredient. Love. Awwww!

Fear of shrimp?

Jamie loves soup. And vaginas, but the challenge only calls for soup. Thankfully. She was assigned Miguel’s deconstructed falafel from season 1, and is confident that she’s gonna take this one. She’s always confident that she’s gonna win, so I hope she keeps not winning so the inner angry bulldyke we all know is in there comes raging out. Stereotype? Yes. But she’s got tatt sleeves and a full face of makeup that’s very carefully applied to look like no makeup. I think this one’s a reality diamond in the rough and I’m rooting for her (crazy ass to come to the light).
Time is called. The judges start with Stefan, who made a soup out of CJ’s scallop mousse burger with shrimp. It’s been awhile since that season, but I apparently haven’t grown up at all because all I can think of are boogars. Slimy scallops being blended into mousse. Wrong. That CJ was one nut short of a turtle. Stefan has made me forget all about that though, because he’s made Thai green curry bisque with shrimp and scallop dumplings and it looks delicious.

Same ingredients, no thoughts of boogars. Well done, Stef!

Grant compliments his broth and moves on to Ariane’s version of BaldHawk’s Colorado Rack of Lamb with Ratatouille and Sauce Vert. She turned it into diced lamb, eggplant, red pepper and cous cous soup, telling the judges that she wanted to make a very comforting soup. She adds a desperate little “please don’t spit it out again, I’m a mother.” Scar doesn’t, but Grant says it’s overcooked. Ariane rolls her eyes, shakes her head, and starts sobbing and making tiny cuts on her hands with a paring knife.
Danny took Betty’s ham and egg bundle and turned it into a soup that looks like you’d make if you got stuck in an underground bunker after a nuclear war and was left only canned foods and a little pot. Or maybe got stuck in a college dorm room with a little pot and the munchies. It looks as thick as queso.

Can I have some chips to dip this into? Coughing fit.

It may not be the prettiest, but the judges both love it. HoneyBear ended up making black bean and pasilla pepper soup with rice. I wish I hadn’t just called Danny’s soup chip dip, because it probably would apply better to this dish. Also, it looks like a shout out to Girl Prison’s head band.

Grant isn’t impressed. Either this soup needs acid, or he needs acid to enjoy it. Grant’s not too impressed with Farm Girl Melissa’s Italian wedding soup with black truffle, linguini and chicken, either, saying she blurred the line and not in a good way. Ouch. Rock drums start playing for Fabio’s version of Mikey’s trout of salmon duo, which I guess means the judges will like it. The pic of Mikey is hilarious. Doesn’t he look like Fleasa from Season 4?

All of this has happened before, and it will all happen again.

Misleading drums! Grant calls Fab’s mushroom and asparagus soup with trout and salmon belly “flat”. Then out of nowhere, Scar starts doing her Pantene commercial moves and giggling and cooing.

Soup is sexy and playful!

Beeker turned Lia’s olive oil poached shrimp into shrimp, tomato and coriander soup with cucumber and avocado salad. Jamie just kicked ass last week with corn soup, so I have to hand it to Beeker’s spirit guides for being so ballsy. They throw her under the bus most of the time, but this time they came through with flying colors. The judges loved it.
Stalker Leah’s chilled white asparagus soup with brioche, tuna and tapenade looks really lovely, and Grant gives her credit for making a really great soup with an ingredient as difficult as white asparagus. She asks for his number and twirls her hair and he just walks away like “cookoo”. Jamie tells us that she doesn’t want to sound like an asshole or anything, but she definitely thinks she deserves to be in the top 3. Guess what? You sound like an asshole. Question, why does Alex always look like he’s pondering sticking his head in the oven?

No dishes have even tried to give it to me in the ass yet.

Jamie got her wish. Grant called her out in the top three, followed by Stalker Leah, who runs up and tries to stick her tongue down his throat but is dragged off by security. Danny’s stoner vision rounds out the top dishes, and the winner is Leah! She is brought back into security and she’s got GRANT 4 EVER written all over her face in Sharpie. She did that before she even knew she won. He’s never gonna get a good night’s sleep now. Neither Jamie or Danny try to pretend that they’re not pissed, and I love them for it.
The Elimination Challenge is to make Thanksgiving dinner for “some very special guests”. My fingers are crossed for the Chipmunks. Or the Cyrus’. Or poor people living in a shelter, just to see Scar try to act like she’s not grossed out the whole time.

I’ve eaten better food out of a trash can!

This is a team challenge, and since she won immunity, Stalker Leah gets to choose first. She takes Jamie before Hosea so she doesn’t make Grant think the Sharpie on her face is meaningless. She also takes Stefan, Melissa, Fabio and Rad. Girl Prison is not gonna forget this day. Fabio tells us that since he and Stefan are on the same team that “Europe is now united to make tradeetional American meal.”. SHUT THE FUCK UP already with that. WE GET IT. GAWD. I’m starting to side with my friend Tricia on this shit.

Buy American.

Scar gets ready to screen a video of their very special guests. Danny thinks it’s Donald Trump because “he’s the most richest and powerfulest man in New Yawk.” Oh, Danny. He’s also probably one of the only special guests that wouldn’t squint at the word “powerfulest”. Anyway, wrong! It’s Jesus and Joseph!

Make us anything but fish. NO MORE FUCKING FISH!

Kidding. It’s the Foo Fighters. Who really thought it was Jesus and Joseph? Raise your hands. Grohl says that they love watching Top Chef and using Glad products and touring in their Rav 4s and want a nice big thanksgiving for them and their entourage. They’ve sent Scar their rider so everyone will know their likes and dislikes. They will serve dinner at a concert venue, and the winning team will get to watch the show while the losers clean. Alex is instantly depressed.

Would the Jonas Brothers be too much to ask for?

The entourage includes 60 people, 18 vegetarians. Hosea says that he’s from Boulder, Colorado so he understands vegetarians, people with food allergies, and general pains in the asses. I’m not really sure how I feel about Hosea yet, but his t-shirt says “bacon is a vegetable”, and I have to root for him at least a little.
The chefs get to the arena and are taken to large outdoor area they will be cooking in. And their kitchens only have one burner, a few toasters, and a wall of microwaves. HA. Love it. It’s like Thanksgiving at my house, minus the toasters and the stove. And I also have a very young and able pizza delivery guy, which could put me ahead a little bit. Stefan tells his team that it’s no big deal. He can make two gravies and will make a turkey in a toaster oven. I generally like to roll my eyes at this guy when he talks big, but he pulls it off, and I am actually looking forward to seeing his toaster turkey. Jamie just keeps throwing her hands in the air and arguing with everything he says. “We only have one. Burner!” We heard you the first ten times, lady. She tells us that she’s annoyed with her team. I’m annoyed with you. She’s not come out as a raging bitch yet, but her shirt hints of things to come.

Actually, not many of these people’s personalities have come off as very extreme yet. Well, except Ariane, who’s a certified jackass, and Prettyish Boy, who’s probably the least charismatic person to ever be put on TV. Sorry, Useless Samantha from Dancing With the Stars. Pass the crown.

Derrrrrrrrrr

He decides to be the nitpicking organizer of team gonna lose. Ariane volunteers to the turkey, and Alex is worried. I don’t blame him. She will probably try to spray tan the poor bird to death. Ariane is annoyed that no one is suggesting any of her strengths. Uh, that’s because you haven’t shown any. Wait there was that time you…nope. Not a one. The rider said that the Foos like frozen bananas covered in chocolate, but there are no freezers, so HoneyBear comes up with the idea to make s’mores. As in Graham Crackers and marshmallows? For a cooking competition? How is that even close to frozen bananas? And why is HoneyBear always making stoner food? Team Rainbow is kinda pissing me off.
Fabio’s words of wisdom: “If we pool dis outd, der is no way for anybody in da Unided Stadez to have one eggsgyoos for don’t pool oud a good meal.” HUH? Europeans don’t ever make turkey? And guess what. We don’t need excuses to not make good meals in the United States. We need excuses to make good meals. We eat out in this country. Applebee’s. Learn it. Take that, Europe!
Stalker Leah’s Team Gonna Win has decided to call themselves Team Sexy Pants, which I suppose is easier than my name, but it’s way less fitting.

Prettyish Boy doesn’t approve of Team Sexy Pants’ game plan of scattering all over the store, because that’s just unorganized, dammit! He gathers Team Gonna Lose for a meeting to organize organization, and then he tells us that he likes to be organized. His team just talks over each other and shouts, but he feels like he’s in charge and that’s all he needs.

Every dish needs to be equally as sucky so we look unified, got it? GO!

Alex tells us that Team Gonna Lose has named themselves Team Cougar and Ariane is their mascot because she’s old, hot and works out in tiny shorts. And loses a lot. That’s like a basketball team choosing a Butterfinger as their mascot. I’m not sure, but I think BUTTERBALL is a sponsor, because everything they buy is Butterball. Jesus Christ, how many sponsors can they squeeze into one show? I never knew Butterball made that much shit. Butterball.

Hungry?

Team Cougar Lose tells us all about their menu. I almost wrote it down like a total sucker. Thankful.

Girl Prison has come up with a genius idea. He’s put charcoal into a chaffing dish to use as a stove. See? You learn things in jail.

Survival. No one will shank the one who can cook.

Team Gonna Win (sorry but I just can’t call them Sexy Pants) tells us their menu. This time, I don’t even start writing it down. I take a smoke break instead. Thankful.

Cuz it’s not just a turkey.

Prettyish is doing a pumpkin mousse and savory bread pudding. He is doing more because as one of the “stronger people”, he feels that it’s his duty. LOL. Just finish at least one, k? By the way, his work place is one letter away from being fucking perfect for him.

Derrrrrrrr.

Everyone on Cougar Lose is nagging Ariane about her turkey, and she just can’t believe that they don’t think she can do it. I wonder how she’s gonna feel when she finds out America feels the same way. Daddy Tom said in a pre premiere interview that this is gonna be a great season, although he was completely shocked, floored and stupefied at someone who made it all the way to the finals. I’m starting to get worried. Not too surprised if it’s her, though, because she does have the personality that’s the most fun painful depressing excruciating to watch.

She’s got legs.

Because God watches Bravo religiously and has a great sense of humor, it starts to rain. Hosea describes it as going from “really really really difficult to just downright awful”. What’s he complaining about? I think he’s in charge of making a fruit crisp. Danny has bigger problems. He can’t get his potatoes to cook. Girl Prison suggests microwaving them and then “roasting the fuck out of em”. If that doesn’t work, he can threaten to cut off their cigarette supply. Way to dominate the starches, GP.
As everyone gets packed up to move downstairs to serve, Beeker tells us that Team Cougar Lose feels like they are the ones who weren’t picked and that she really wants to show the other team that they have what it takes. Good luck with that. The judges enter with the Foos. Hosea’s excited by the rock stars, but HoneyBear can’t take his eyes off “hottie gay bear icon” Daddy Tom. Then they show Tom walking in slow motion. LOL.

I wonder how many boners Uncle Fester gave dudes back in his day.

Team Cougar Lose is up first. Prettyish made Spoonbread stuffing with figs, cranberries and walnuts that looks damn good to me, but Grohl no likey. Taylor agrees. “I just don’t like figs and stuff.” They both loved the mac and cheese, though. Taylor says that the mashed potatoes are “al dente. Meaning, not cooked all the way.” HA. They get it. Gail is just trying to look sexy while keeping her mouth shut, wondering if anyone’s noticing her netted blouse.

This isn’t a Whitesnake concert, Gail.

Chris is impressed with Girl Prison’s MacGyvered pork loin. Smart move. Just say “MacGyver” to straight guys and they get all excited. Grohl loves the turkey, and Tom says that Ariane was almost kicked off twice already so she had to come up with something good. How rude, Daddy! It’s Thanksgiving and they’re stars. He admits that she did it though.
Team Gonna Win is out next. Rad’s vegan stuffing is popular. Nate calls it his favorite dish out of both teams. Grohl says that the turkey wasn’t as good as Ariane’s. Darn. I really wanted to see her cry again. They move on to head to head dessert tasting. Prettyish snaps at Ariane for eating in the kitchen when the judges are on their way back. Someone needs to slap that little priss. Poor Honey Bear is blow torching s’mores like nobody’s business. Fabio’s is out first. As annoying as he can be, there is a good reason I can never get on the hate train.

My tongue just got rock hard and won’t go down.

Hosea’s fruit crisp, on the other hand, looks like someone just punched Ruth Buzzi in the face.

Grohl makes fun of Fabio’s accent, which cracks me up. The good times stop when the judges get to Team Gonna Lose. Beeker has made peach and cherry cobbler, and Prettyish has made fresh fruit salad with pumpkin mousse. I’m trying to think of a fruit that would go well with pumpkins, but I can’t. I doubt Prettyish did either. He just keeps a sour, vacant look on his face the whole time, which can’t help. Especially after riding the Fabiocoaster. HoneyBear’s take on s’mores are…exactly like regular s’mores but with bananas and spit foam.
Everyone loves the Tiramisu and Daddy Chef says that he’s impressed a European thought to make pumpkin tiramisu instead of pumpkin pie. He drank the Euro Kool Aid. It’s just like ours, only way more sour, expensive and stinky. Hosea’s crisp was a success too, and get’s two thumbs up from Gail.
No one likes the taste or consistency of Prettyish’s mousse with fruit. Scar gives it a dirty look, and Taylor calls it a “barfait.” HAHOUCH. Grohl asks if someone offended Honey Bear, because he spit on his s’more. LOL. See? We’re not the only ones who call it foam spit. I’m just as classy as Grohl. Er…
The judges all agree that Team Gonna Lose failed in the dessert department, but they also agree that the teams were pretty even overall and had good and bad. Taylor is the only one who chooses Team Gonna Lose as his favorite, and his reasoning is that he doesn’t order dessert anyways. HA. I think Taylor needs to become a regular judge.

Ted Allen didn’t make me laugh this much in all of his episodes combined. Just sayin’.

Team Gonna Lose is trying to tell each other that they won, and Danny says that he’s got his party hat on and his party underwear on. Unfortunately, his sad clown facial hair is still on, too, and that just can’t lead to anything good.

Danny’s party underwear.

D. Domino’s

The Foo Fighters choose Team Gonna Win as the winners. As they jump up and down and celebrate, Daniel shouts “This is bullshit!” Ha. You’re just gonna have to save the giant thong for later, tiger. Girl Prison refuses to be ok with it, and rants and raves about being better than the other team. CHARCOAL! CHAFFERS! It’s cute to see the winning chefs put on their “real clothes” to go see the concert. Jamie’s are especially good times. Security approaches her and I cross my fingers.

I’m watchin’ you, hippie.

On a sadder note, we learn why the Foo Fighters came onto Top Chef.

So did you guys, like, advertise the show?

Team Cougar Lose can hear the concert while they clean the kitchen and it’s very depressing. Especially with Beeker and Ariane walking around trying to lift everyone’s spirits with “We did great!”s and “It was an honor to work with you guys!”s and “memememememe”s. Girl Fight stays pissed, and HoneyBear says that he just hopes people don’t resort to throwing each other under the bus. Sorry, but that’s what reality shows are made of. In the holding tank, Team Gonna Win comes in yelling and talking about what a great concert it was. HAHAssholes. Love it. Danny flips them off and fingers his thong angrily.
Time for Judges’ Table! Grant is back as Guest Judge, and he’s an awkward little fella. Scar asks Cougar Lose if they were surprised that they lost. Prettyish says yes because they were thrown a bunch of curve balls and “God made it rain.” Wow. You’re blaming the judges and God in the same sentence. Way to get them on your good side, idiot. Daddy Tom rolls his eyes and tells him to get over it. Gail asks who the leader was, and Alex says that Prettyish was, but makes it sound as complimentary as possible. HoneyBear seconds that, and tries to make it sound positive as well. Come on, people. Work with me here.
Prettyish is visibly pissed, and Tom asks him why. He answers that he is proud of his team and wouldn’t trade them for the other a holes. Daddy tells them all that it was actually very close and not a loss that they should be too ashamed of. Gail compliments Ariane on her perfect turkey, and Tom disses Prettyish’s dry but organized stuffing. Danny’s potatoes were undercooked. His defense? They were “al dente.” HAHAHAAAAA. Taylor is a psychic. He says that he couldn’t get them right with the toaster and had to use the microwave and “what good’s Thanksgiving without a starch?” Scar points out that sweet potatoes and stuffing are starches, and they were present. Danny gulps. I hope he stays, because he’s hilarious.

Daddy Tom says that the major thing that set the teams apart was the dessert. Beeker stands up for her cobbler, but Gail said that her problem was Prettyish’s mousse with fruit, adding that the flavor combinations didn’t work together at all. Prettyish bows his head in anger and shame. Grant chimes in about the s’mores, saying that if you are going to pay homage to something, the original has to be there a little bit. The smores weren’t gooey, crispy, or chocolaty enough and overall it was a failed concept. In other words, if you’re gonna make stoner food, do it right, dude. HB says that they were supposed to be frozen but he improvised without a freezer. Tom’s all

Gail says that on a buffet without a sneeze guard, you shouldn’t add a foam because people will, and did, think it looks like spit. In alone time, Grant says that it should come down to the people who made desserts. Tom argues that Daniel’s potatoes were pretty sad, but they all get a good laugh at his decision to mix the raw ones in with the cooked ones, hoping that no one would notice. He’s in.
In the holding tank, Beeker says she’ll be mad if she goes home for this challenge cuz “hey. We got our food out.” LOL, good argument. You finished, you’re the next Top Chef! She has nothing to worry about. Tom thinks that while her cobbler was nothing brilliant, it was nice. Gail calls it the least offensive. Tom points out that both dishes Prettyish made sucked, but where he goes wrong is by assuming that Prettyish didn’t assign himself as the leader, but everyone just naturally respected him as one. Cough bullshit cough. Then Grant says that if he had to pick a team, he would pick Jeff. Huh? But he made two things that were really bad, so how does that work, exactly?
Back in the tank, Prettyish blames his failure on his “just doing too much.” Puhleeze. Wasn’t that the plan? So you would have this excuse? The problem is that you did too much too poorly. Neither Fabio or Girl Prison look like they buy it, either.

You’re just too awesome to live. Dick.

Danny is eating a peanut butter sandwich and drips pb on the floor. Jamie tells him to clean it up and he’s the reason there’re flies all over the place. He asks if she has a problem with him and she asks if he’s got a problem with her. It’s like watching The Great Debaters, but with fat white people. Danny tells us “I don’t know if the stew room is gettin’ to huh or if it’s huh time aduh month.” LOL. I’m so putting Danny on a t-shirt.

Watch out, James Lipton! Harry Potter will only break your heart. You ole perv.

Grant chooses the s’mores as the worst dish of the night, and the chefs are called back in. Tom compliments Girl Prison’s porkand he is safe, followed by Alex and Ariane, who Daddy says redeemed herself with her turkey. Sure enough, HoneyBear is out! DAMMIT! Come on gay people! We suck at cooking, we can’t get married. Shit, we didn’t even win Project Runway this year. 2008 is not the year of the homo. Poor HB cries. AWWW!! What’s sadder is that he’s sobbing on national TV while wearing possibly the sluttiest t-shirt ever.

Guys, I know we don’t know each other in real life, but over the past couple of years you have brought me much joy and many giggles. Happy Holidays to you, and know that I am grateful for ya. LOVE