FlipitTypes TV - Recaps, Gossip, and Trash Talk

This week on Top Chef, Ariane’s a weenie.

No, we don’t deserve you. Please shut your pie hole, lady.

Previously on Top Chef, The Culinary Institute of America took a serious beating when two of its students got cut in one hour, Ariane cried, and two European dudes fell in love.
We open today with me being very disturbed. I’ve always thought that if ever I put the actual effort into eating very little and working out that I could have a perfect body. And then Prettyish Boy shows up shirtless, skinny as all get out, sporting a muffin top. So what’s the point of being skinny? Now I just wanna stuff my face.

Thanks for killing my dream, Prettyish.

Richard Honey Bear is disappointed that Patrick was sent home last week because it means that Team Rainbow is down to two members. It also removes the only obvious bottom from the equation. Besides Fabio, but he belongs to Stefan.
Ariane is a little embarrassed that she is the oldest one there and has already been in the bottom two, but it makes her feel better that Carla talks to her during breakfast. What she doesn’t know is that Carla doesn’t even know she’s there. She’s talking to Pricilla the Spirit Guide.

The diamond ring is under the couch? What the hell does that mean? Whatever, thanks for talking to me.

Stefan has won two competitions already, so he’s feeling pretty confident. Then his thoughts turn to his new bf. “Fabio is…”

EW!

“…my biggest competition.” So that’s what they’re calling it these days. Fabio isn’t jealous that Stefan wins because “in my contrie, it ees not who slay da draygone, it ees who take home da preencess!” Aw! So you both win.
Scar is waiting in the kichen with Donatella Arpaia, who Yahoo Foods describes as “dynamic attorney-turned restaurateur”. Scar leaves the lawyer part out and just mentions the many many restaurants Donatella’s opened because this is a show about food. Also, she doesn’t want to make Eugene uncomfortable. It’s harder to compete when you’re worried about being sent back to women’s prison.

I ain’t goin back there!

Scar is talking waaaay slower than usual, and she’s wearing a jean skirt up to her rib cage. This has nothing to do with anything, but I’m always trying to figure this chick out. So, apparently, is Fabio.

Een my contrie we say WTF is dat woman talking aybout?

The Quickfire, as explained painfully slowly by Scar, is to make a dish New Yorkers love so much that they spend over a hundred million dollars a year consuming it. Pizza or hot dogs. Or those nuts coated in three inches of sugar. I cracked a tooth on those little bastards. And I just kept on eating. The Chefs will also be competing against a special guest for the first time in Top Chef history. The hot dog lady!! First one to give Donatella food poisoning wins.

Sorry, Munchkin, but is that thing licensed ?

Fabio’s not pleased. “Do I know how make hot dog? No! I have no idea make hot dog!” LOL. These recaps are just going to be one Fabio quote after another. The guy kills me. The “top dog” will win! Oh, Scar, you’re so punny. Time is called and everyone starts freaking out. Ariane says she has no idea what she’s doing and doesn’t even care what it tastes like as long as there’s a piece of meat between her buns. Any takers? Anyone? Anyone? Alright moving on.
Danny with the Sad Clown facial hair says that the challenge is to go against the hot dog lady of all time. They’re lucky, cuz they could have been pitted against the Gyro Guy of All Time.

No one would stand a chance.

Fabio no know how make hot dog, and he figures that it’s probably stupid to try and figure out how to get the right combination of discarded animal parts that are ground up into a gel that makes weenies anyway. He’s gonna just make a sausage panini instead. Jill no can make hot dog either, so she’s wrapping already made hot dogs in sushi paper and calls herself inventive. It looks so far like a penis wrapped in a condom. I’m for the safe sex message, but she’s gonna get spanked. Rad, who doesn’t want people to stereotype her as a strictly Indian chef, is making what she calls an Indian dog while humming the opening theme from Monsoon Wedding.
Time is called. Scar and Donatella start with Jill’s Summer roll hot dogs. Donatella asks if it was wise to not make a hot dog when the challenge called for making hot dogs and Jill’s all

They both seem to like Daniel’s Pork hot dog with horseradish and fried onions, but when they taste Eugene’s sushi dog, Donatella gives it a dirty look.

Not much is said about Hosea’s jalapeno and poblano pepper dog, and Stefan’s “world dog” looks pretty much exactly like Stefan’s idea of a sausage panini.

Coinky?

Fabio decided against the panini idea and served his sausage with goat cheese and bell peppers. Ariane is called out for putting too much celery seed and over tanning her fragile face, but Donatella loves Carla’s moist lamb and pork dog. Rad tries not to look jealous, but she doesn’t do a very good job of it.

Jamie’s pork and beef sausage dog had a bone on it, and Scar very subtly put her hand over her mouth, screamed, and fell to the floor in a fit of seizures. For the last act, Scar and Donatella taste Hot Dog Lady’s dog, and instead of grilling her about not making her own actual hot dog, they smile and put it down after one patronizing bite. Slam, Hot Dog Lady! I guess she didn’t win, because they dismiss her and turn their attention to the other chefs. Poor Hot Dog Lady tries not to cry as she wheels her street cart back to oblivion. Just a sidenote, but I love that every time Scar is onscreen she acts like she’s modeling for Pantene.

Donatella names Jill as one of the worst in this challenge because not only did she use a store bought dog, she didn’t do anything of value to it. She also names Stefan! Well I’ll be! She says that she wouldn’t travel anywhere for his world dog. On the other hand, she loved, Fabio’s sausage dog and Hosea’s jalapeno and pepper dog, but Rad takes the prize for her Slurpee Sale dog. Go, Rad!
The Elimination Challenge will be to create a three course New American lunch menu for fifty people. Each person will be responsible for one dish and they will be using a New York restaurant. I have always had a problem with the New American concept, because it implies that mac n’ cheese needs fixing. It’s downright offensive.
Scar and Donatella leave the Chefs to figure out who’s cooking what, and they run together and start shouting. One person raises their hand while they shout and before you know it, everyone’s hand is raised. It’s like that study on Oprah where they had a couple people stand in a line that went nowhere and random people just walked right up and got in line too, even though they didn’t know what it was for. Baaaaah! It’s chaos, and poor Carla looks like she thinks that someone could accidentally punch her in the nose at any second.

No, MY hand is raised! MINE is!

Prettyish Boy is having none of this. It reminds him of being a scrawny anemic little thing and who always gets picked last in dodge ball. Instead of joining in, he drafts some legislation until everyone can just calm the f down.

Dodgeball is a “sport” that hurts the innocent and strengthens bullies. From now on, children shall put on gym shorts, separate in to teams, and play paddycake. Love, Prettyish.

He breaks into the group and tells them that if they do what he says, no one will get hit in the face with a ball ever again. Carla almost cries. Prettyish tells them to split courses up by standing in the clump that they want, and it works out evenly. He’s very proud of himself, and I of him.
It seems like the Chefs will have enough money, but when they go shopping it’s at Whole Foods. Ruh Roh! You have to fill out a credit report just to order a side of ranch dressing at that place.
Hosea says that everyone knows he owns a seafood restaurant, so he’s going to do a dish he’s done before involving dungeness crab meat. Whole Foods, though, only has canned crab meat. The horror!! He decides to go with it, because without crab he would actually have to, you know, come up with some original ideas instead of just whipping up something he’s made a hundred times. Weak, Hosea. Weak. Canned crab. Question of the season: you’ve watched this show before, right?
Jill, who’s becoming more and more of a fruit loop by the second, is wearing a ping sparkly glitter t-shirt. I don’t know why it bugs me. You usually only see them on little girls, or really old ladies who think they’re being hip. Anyway, fruit loop is is over at the egg section. She sees an ostrich egg and gets a sick smile on her face. I’m no militant vegan or anything and have no problem with eggs in general. I eat them all the time. But they’re tiny! This think is like a bowling ball, and it’s hard not to imagine the baby ostrich about to peek out at any second.
Jill sees the egg not as a third term ostrich abortion, but as a way to stand out from the pack. Other than her little girl/old lady pink glitter shirt and pig tails. What would you make to show off a giant ostrich egg? Why, quiche of course! Way to find the most interesting ingredient and turn it into the most boring dish ever, Fruit Loop.

Herdyherdyher.

Back at the workroom, the chefs have two hours of prep time. Fruit Loop has her egg all ready in front of her, but can’t figure out how to get it open. Sure she’s never worked with an egg before, but an eggs an egg, right? Apparently, she missed Patrick’s “pasta’s pasta” theory from last week. She could ask him about it if he hadn’t been ELIMINATED. Dipshit.

Sigourney Weaver’s gonna run into the kitchen any second to kick this thing’s ass.

She can’t get the damn thing open. She shakes it, she hits it, she tries opening it with her teeth. Fabio comes over to help her by cooing the egg open with the language of love. After a few “scooby dooby doo”s and “you beautiful egg baby”s and “love maker heart make breaker”s, the egg opens right up. Those Italians and their horny phonetics.
Jamie is only making basically corn puree, so she has time to tell us that Fruit Loops whole ostrich egg thing is ridiculous. Agreed. Now go blend. Ariane is making a lemon merengue in a martini glass and whines to us that “I’m not a baaaker!!” Uh, didn’t you raise your hand and jump up like an idiot and then choose desserts? Wuss. Stefan tells us that he hates it when chefs complain about doing desserts because a real chef knows how to do everything well. Except maybe make hot dogs.
Daddy Tom comes in and tells them they will be cooking in his restaurant Craft tomorrow. Wow! How’d they book that? For the longest time I thought the restaurant was Kraft, and I really wanted to go. Somehow with a C it sounds less appetizing.

Four stars!

The chefs freak out and start raising their hands for no reason. The twist of the challenge: the guests at Craft will be chefs that tried out for the show and got turned down. Yaaay!!! It’s even better than when they bring in “real people”! The only people more entertaining than know it all camera whore “real people” are “real people” who want to be special but just can’t claw their way upwards. I expect bitterness, cruelty, and naked insecurity. Delicious.

You heard him!

That night at the loft, Fabio is cuddling up next to Stefan repeating his “in my contree it ees the one who bring home da princess dat a weens!” thing. These two kinda gross me out, and I’m a homo.

Get a hostel.

Alex “I took it up the ass from two dishes” looks just as charmed by the Roxbury guys as I am.

I just wanna be loved. Is that so wrong?

Eugene the female inmate does his best to not get annoyed by the Euros. They think they’re amazing and they can just go on thinking that. “The flight here from Europe was long, and the flight back will be even harder.” LOL, Girl Jail.

C,) Abortion quiche.

Leah tells us that “I’m into always having a boyfriend”. Cut to her all up on Hosea. Yikes. He doesn’t seem to mind, as he kinda rubs his nipple as she talks. Fabio thinks that they’re just friends and nothing’s going on and two people can talk and like each other and want to maybe get each other off when they’re drunk and it doesn’t mean they’re gay or anything so just keep your dirty mind over there, k? And if anything is going on, then “good for them!” Girrrrrl.
The next morning, Carla is putting on her makeup and the image in her tiny mirror throws a magazine at her face.

Fabio says that Jamie’s just doing simple plain ole corn soup, but he’s going all out today and chemically treating olives so that the outsides are solid and the insides are liquid. Fascinating. Fascinating and very disturbing. I thought you paid the extra money in fine dining to not eat chemical laden food. The blue M&M was shunned for years because people accused it of causing cancer, but the liquid olive will be lauded and championed. It’s just not right.
Hosea, who most likely got a little under cover action last night, is pretty positive about his canned crab, and Jill is positive about her ostrich egg. One of my favorite things about Top Chef is that positivity is usually a very bad sign. Ariane runs around the kitchen force feeding her lemon meringue down everyone’s throats. They try and give her positive reactions, but a few of them gently tell her that it’s too sweet. I don’t know if she thinks the reactions are gonna change the more people she asks, but obviously she wants someone to be super impressed and tell her she’s amazing and hug her and assure her that she’s deserving of success. No one does. She tells us that everyone said it was way too sweet but she doesn’t care what they think and is gonna serve it that way. Then why did you make everyone give you their opinion? Oh right. Hugs. Lame. Dear Ariane’s husband, please pay attention to your wife before she makes everyone else in the world fucking insane. Love, Flip.

Do you like it? Do you love it? Do you wanna marry it? Am I over tanned? Does this eyeliner make my eyes pop? Do I look fat in this apron? Well? Well? Well? Well? Well?

Ariane, who seems kind of angry for no reason (no hugs), tells everyone in the kitchen “if I go under, you’re all gonna hear it!” We’re gonna see it, too. YAY!
The “Real People” Chefs make their way into the restaurant, and they’re just as insecure and dickish as one could hope.

Nice to meet you, Wal Mart.


Does it ever become palatable? Keep on trying, loser!


Then what’s the fucking point, ass?

A hairy guido guy, who I assume lost to Danny, is ranting and raving about someone making something as lame as meatloaf. “I mean, you’re on TV and you make meatloaf? Come aaaan!”
The judges are next to arrive, and Gail Simmons has gone out of her way to find yet another dress that points out the worst in her.

Well done, Gail!

Jamie’s chilled sweet corn soup is out first, and the judges all love it. even a “real person” likes it! Hosea is confident that he’s gonna knock this one out of the park, but Donatella thinks his crab salad is slimy, Gail calls it muddy, and a “real person” chef talks about how mad he is that he didn’t get onto the show over someone who used canned crab.

Sorry, but Bravo has decided against the cheesy ass faux hawk for this season, you hack.

Leah’s yukon potato with seared scallop is called sandy, a real person chef says it shouldn’t be served anywhere, and Scar says it’s “very 80’s”. Fabio’s beef carpaccio with arugula salad and cancer olives is a big hit. Donatella calls it the perfect lunch dish, and Scar can’t stop staring at the olive wobbling around on her fork like an egg yolk.

Oh, Fred Thompson. You’re just made that you didn’t make it out of the primaries.

Melissa, who is hardly ever shown, made the grilled avocado, and she is serving it with white peaches and nectarines. No one’s impressed. Entrees start coming out, and Jill’s abortion quiche is first. Donatella says it’s like glue, and a real person says it looks like dog food. Eugene’s meat loaf sandwich with gouda fondue isn’t much more successful. Donatella calls it “just bad” and leaves it at that. Stefan’s pan seared halibut with micro greens and ravioli is beloved by all.
Prettyish Boy says something about not being able to work fast because of Craft’s burners. LOL. He’s always behind. Daddy makes fun of him for it, but he finally gets his food out. He made southern fried chicken with honey mustard, chorizo and corn bread. It looks delicious, and the judges say that it is. They are also highly impressed with his dodge ball legislation, so I think he will be fine tonight.
Alex made pork tenderloin and it looks like a guy with giant lips and a Hitler mustache got punched and is bleeding all over the place. No one should wear Hitler mustaches. Not even dead pork.

What’d I do?

Donatella doesn’t mince words. “I don’t like it at all.” I like her style. The real people chefs are no kinder, but they can’t just say “ew” when they don’t like something. They have to milk their camera time.

Evidently, neither are you, skank.

Desserts start coming out, with Rad leading off. She made avocado mousse with chocolate wontons. I’m sorry, but that’s just wrong. It looks like boogar puree.
Daniel sends out a pretty straight forward ricotta pound cake with strawberry and lemon coulis and gets pretty unexcited kudos from Donatella and a real person chef. Ariane’s lemon meringue martini/cherry surprise is next. Yawnzers. If it was a real martini, she might have better luck. No one’s gonna kick off the person who gave them a buzz. She’s “a little worried about it.” Why? Because everyone who’s tasted it told you it was too sweet? Man, Ariane is a numbskull. Scar takes one bite and makes the face she most likely made on her honeymoon as Salmon reclined naked on the bed stroking his chest hair.

Don’t be shy! Once we get it in working order it will only take a second.

She spits it out in her napkin. It’s the “violently sweet” clip all over again. I hope they play it every week. Honey Bear made a banana nut bread peanut butter sandwich with banana brulee and grape gelato. Scar should love this one, as it’s basically stoner food on a $166 dollar budget. Gail calls it an after school snack, and Donatella and Scar agree. I don’t think they meant it as a compliment, but no one can bring themselves to be mean about Honey Bear, because he’s, well, Honey Bear.
Carla sends out her apple tart with ginger peach tea with a slice of cheddar cheese. I don’t get that one, and I’m sure it will be delicious to the judges, whose mouths are now coated in peanut butter. And what’s rustic about it? It’s a freaking puff pastry with baked apples in it. Donatella doesn’t like the sweaty cheese, but Scar thinks it’s the best one so far.
The real people chefs are given comment cards to fill out, and instead of just rating the dishes, they write full on reviews on the backs of them, as if Daddy Tom et all are going to sit there and pore over them. “I’m on the fence. What did the chefs not good enough to be on the show think?” Suck it, real people chefs. You’re about as relevant to this challenge as the hot dog lady was to hers.

Attached please find my headshot and resume. I am working the night shift at Applebee’s but maybe I could show you my own version of onion rings later. Please give me another chance because if I have to serve one more order of cheese sticks I’m gonna fucking shoot someone. Sincerely, Real Person Chef.

A couple of the real person chefs were decent, but most of them, especially the gross hairy guido and the a hole who refuses to cook with animal fat and butter, SUCK.

One day you will slip on a stick of butter and break your stupid neck.

Daddy Tom lectures the chefs back at the Top Chef kitchen before beginning Judges’ Table. He compliments them on setting up their stations well. LOL. Ariane looks like she just got the sweetest compliment of her life, but if it starts with kudos to your organization, you’re screwed. Sure enough, he transitions into how disappointed he is with their lame interpretations of New American, saying that they took it back twenty years. Ouch. He calls Jamie, Hosea, Ariane, Fabio, Carla, and Jill into Judges’ Table. None of the Judges look too pleased, but Gail looks like she’s going to murder them slowly.

If looks could kill, that dress would destroy the city.

They start with Carla. Tom loved her pastry but thinks she should have worked the cheddar into it. Fabio is next, and he’s on the defensive, saying he doesn’t know why he was called in. He got the best meat, used parmesan cheese that was Asian for five years. Sorry. I rewound. Age-ed. For fuck’s sake he made magic olives! Go f yourself, judges! Suck it! He’s going back to Italy you no talent hacks! Scar stops him and says he’s here because they liked it.

I mean say you beauteefool! Life ees beauteefool!

They also all really loved Jamie’s corn soup, but Donatella announces Fabio as the winner because of his cancer olives.

Stefan’s so getting his nob polished tonight.

He and the runner ups are excused. Hosea says he is surprised to be on the bottom because he thought he was going to win. Scar says that his was one of the most dissed by the real people chefs, Gail said the crab tasted funny, and Tom says that he took ingredients that should work beautifully together and bungled them. Uhoh, if he leaves who’s Leah gonna stalk? Watch out, Eugene!
Gail thought Ariane’s meringue was boring and Donatella asks her what she was thinking. Ariane replies that she serves it in her restaurant, and Scar says that she spit it out. LOL. Another CulinAriane commercial! Jill thinks that she used an ostrich egg so she’s original. Daddy says that she took an interesting ingredient and made it uninteresting, and Gail says that her only problem with it was that it tasted like dead people. Jill mumbles and rambles about nothing. Gail asks how she will change what she’s doing if she’s kept around, and Jill can’t really answer. She tries though. For like two minutes. It’s hilarious.

Uh..I’m like…uh….original….ehhh…ostrich I…uh….

Is this bitch for realz?

In alone time, Daddy says that he can’t believe Hosea thought he won with his slimy crab. Scar doesn’t even wanna get started on Ariane, so Gail says that Jill’s rambling excuse for her abortion quiche was the lamest they’ve heard in five seasons. And that’s saying something. Jill is told to pack her knives and get the fuck out. When she gets back to the holding tank, Ariane is sobbing. Oh shut up, woman. Let Jill have her moment under the storm cloud and then we can go back to feeling sorry for you tomorrow.
Jill says that it’s a little unfair that Scar spit out Ariane’s food but it’s her that’s going home and that she chose an ostrich egg and thought that would keep her in. Even after being told that it flat out tasted like dead people. Man, this girl is a ding dong.

What the f are you crying about? And no I won’t hug you. Stop asking.

The other chefs applaud Jill, because it would be wrong to laugh and point and trip her on her way out. Fabio tells everyone “congratulations you on been steel here” as Ariane sobs. The only one who will pay attention to her is Carla, who spouts of some New Age bs about being deserving because the universe says so. At first I don’t buy that, but after I think it over, maybe the universe wants Ariane to suck and make a mess out of herself every week so we can all have fun at home. Hey, thanks, universe! Nice work!