Project Runway: Bang Sisters, Tree Huggers, and Bleeding Hearts

This week on Project Runway, a girl wins! YAY!

Someone please water Kenley before she dies.

The episode starts with CutToe telling us how her heart breaks for poor Hobosexi, who was sent packing last week with only his stained, ripped up womens t-shirts and his glue gun. Poor guy! I have been waiting with a crumpled up dollar bill and a ziplock full of bottle caps just in case I see him begging outside Popeye’s Chicken on Hollywood Blvd, but he hasn’t shown yet. I’m here for you, Hobs! The best part of CutToe’s remarks about how sad she is for him is the look on her face while she makes them.

Way to sell it, Cut.

Producer Rich Bye’s name is over a shot with all three contestants, so he’s no help this week. At the workroom, Tim comes in to give the rundown of the week. They will have so show ten looks, which means they will have to edit out two. Model walk off! The designers sit at a table to choose from the annorexic, makeup-less boy/girls the producers sent in. Look! It’s that bony chick from Bravo’s Make Me a Supermodel that everyone thought was a tranny! Glad to see she wasn’t just sent to the popsicle stick factory when they were done shooting that giant mistake.

Nope! Still don’t have a penis! Yet!

CutToe’s only requirement is big hair, because she wants to do something involving “Asian buns.” LOL. In my Meemaw’s house that would mean Chinese ass. Leanne, the queen of the new and riveting shape, the Squircangle, likes all the weirdos. No surprise there. If there’s anyone who can pull off wearing a dress that looks like it’s made entirely out of fish gils, it’s this girl.

Could you be a little more specific?

Kenley, still trying to be more down to Earth, tries bonding with Squirc by complimenting her model choices. Squirc’s like “back off bitch”. A gorgeous blonde is up for grabs and Kenley takes her, but says that she better not act like a diva or she’ll cut her bangs so severely that she’ll never work again.
Back in the workroom, Tim comes in to “get a sense” of their collections. He starts with Kenley. The first piece she pulls is fug. It blends a zebra like print with a scrunched up flower print and has a giant rope all over it. Tim makes that “oops I crapped my pants” face and says that the rope is “strangling the organic nature” of the work. He’s so eloquent. I would just say “EW! You’re gonna be on TV! Make an effort!” Shockingly, Kenley disagrees with him and tells us that the rope is in because it’s her decision and she’s done with him. Oh man, wait til she found out JLo twisted her ankle. Dumbass.
Next, she tells him that she’s planning on sending her wedding dress down the aisle. You know, the one that the judges accused her of stealing. Tim makes that “I had salsa at lunch and am now stuck with an ass of fire” face and asks her if she realizes that the same judges from last week will be judging her again this week. HAHAHAHAAA. She argues that they loved the dress so why would she change it? He asks in that “poor old lady fell down in a crosswalk and she’s too heavy for me to lift” voice: “Is that your interpretation of yesterday?” This segment is fucking priceless. I long for the days of Tim Gunn’s PR Podcast, where he would rant and rave for twenty minutes about the egos he had to endure that week. I’ll bet if ever there was a time in history that the c word would come flowing from his lips, it would be tonight.
Kenley hugs him and thanks him for his expertise and gentle encouragement. Kidding! She calls him an old prune ass and says that she’s offended that the Judges called her a knockoff four times this season and she’s not listening to it anymore. Tim, for the first time I can remember, actually looks into the camera like “Is this bitch for realz?”

Tim Gunn’s Guide to Bile

He’s over to CutToe next. Heidi says she wouldn’t be caught dead in last week’s bridesmaid dress so that one’s out, but Cut likes her wedding dress and wants to keep it. Tim says that he wouldn’t dream of telling her what to do, but he says it in that “please flush the toilet when you use the guest bathroom so everyone else doesn’t have to deal with your breakfast plan” voice. Just a side note, CutToe’s wearing purple, the room is purple, and Tim has on a purple tie. It could mean nothing, or it could mean that even designers are sick of the losers filling our government’s seats and are ready for a change.

Grimace for President!

Cut doesn’t seem too pleased with all of Tim’s non advice, but she just stays silent, unlike Horsey Giggle. Squirc is next, and she has a lot of cream and aqua going on. Yikes. Her rack looks like it belongs in the nurses’ changing room in a hospital. She’s trying to make a pair of pants, which Tim encourages, but he doesn’t look so encouraged when he sees them.

You’re fucking kidding me right?

Tim really didn’t have anything to offer today besides rolley eyes and defeated sighs, and that’s why Tim Gunn should rule the world. César Estrada Chávez, you’re sarcasm isn’t helping, k? On his way out, Kenley stops him and says that she doesn’t have to make her wedding dress the main attraction. Aw! She’s compromising! He blows her a kiss and says thank you. When he leaves, he has an “I FARTED” sticker on his back. Kenley, you rascal!
Later, CutToe asks Kenley about keeping in the wedding dress and Kenley asks why she should give an f what the people who are in charge of crowning her the winner say? Good point, thinker! Cut says at least they liked the dress overall and she can’t say the same thing about her own. She decides to get rid of two pieces and make two new ones instead. Woah. Go, Cut!! That’s a pretty ballsy move. She and Kenley are getting along great, which is awesome for them, but hulleow? I’m trying to be involved in the show, here. Someone get nasty please. The next morning, Squirc arises and gets dressed to play tennis in 1958.

Time to visit Collier Strong, the makeup man. He works with CutToe first, who says that she picked bags of bones in every nationality but she wants them to look the same. First blackface runway show ever. Ballsy. Kenley wants everyone to wear an inch of bright red lipstick. Projecting much? Next you’ll make them all come down the runway tied to the back of a boat driven by your long suffering father. Squirc says her collection is all about waves and nurses, so Collier gets the bruise makeup out. This is gonna be the best runway show EVER!!
The models come in for fittings, and both Kenley and Squirc use this time to diss each other’s lines. Kenley says that Squirc’s line shows lack of talent in color composition, and Squirc says Kenley’s line looks like someone’s child was set loose in the closet with magic markers. LOL. You’re both right. CutToe doesn’t have time to diss anyone because she’s busy finishing her line crying about finishing her line.

D. Project Runway should end with an apology letter from Bravo.

When the designers meet with the hair people, I take a bathroom break. When I come back, CutToe is pitching her “Asian buns” idea to the Asian hairstylist, who looks kind of offended until she sees the big fake hair buns Cut pulls from a bag.

What’d you think I meant?

It’s pretty drama free until Tia the model brings her dog to her fitting and it craps on the ground over in Squirc’s area. Like a typical skinny girl with a tiny purse dog that poops inside, Tia laughs and laughs. Kenley says to keep the mutt away from her collection or she’ll drown it in the water fountain. Squirc looks down at the odd shapes of the poo and decides that she’ll use it as inspiration for her next line, which will now be based around the poocleangle.

Hope that wasn’t a sign, Squirc.

Tim comes in and gives everyone big hugs at the end of the day and says that he is proud of them for beating tough competitors like Pleather and Blayne and Leatha to get to the end! I hope for the reunion show everyone files out of a clown car. The next morning, the girls are ushered into the tent at Bryant Park, where they all take turns crying. Squirc says she’s been dreaming of this ever since she was twelve and saw her first traffic accident, which was in the shapes of a circle, a square, a rectangle and an oval all at once.

The cirsquectoval.

Kenley walks down the runway wearing a severely misguided outfit while telling us that her father will be proud to see how much he’s inspired her fashion. Oh, the abuse that must have happened on that tug boat. I imagine a sad girl with severe bangs sobbing while her drunk dad pokes twigs through her skull. She looks like an antenna.

Broadcasting Bad Taste 24/7

Last year, she snuck into the tent and was immediately kicked out. Let’s hope for a repeat. Backstage, they are all given PA’s to help them, but Kenley refuses them because she doesn’t want anyone messing with her painted fabric. The dress she’s referring to looks like a paper towel that was used to clean up Tia’s purse dog’s mess. She’s somethin else, this one. Meanwhile, the PA’s try to look at anything other than the fingerpainted nightmare that the crazy lady with the antenna on her head is steaming. One is stifling a laugh. LOL, PA.

As final preparations are underway backstage, the A list celebrities start to pack the tent. And by celebrities, I mean anyone and everyone who’s ever worked on a Bravo show. Christian Sirriano’s there, and he’s gotten rid of his Jerri Blank hair and settled on a solid mullet. Gail Simmons is there, and she won’t calm down until someone tells her where the crafts services table is.

Someone better get me at least a stick of beef jerky or I’m out!

Squirc runs into a problem. One of her models has lost ten more pounds overnight, so one of the pieces no longer fits her. It was originally supposed to look like one of those cones dogs have to wear to stop from licking their privates. Now it just looks like someone tp’ed a tree.

Hurry, change her before her head’s in her muff again.

And now, for a television first. Someone crying because they actually lost weight.

I coulda eaten. WAAAHHHHHH!!!

Squirc decides to bring a blue gown back that she had thrown away. After she goes to the dumpster to wrestle it out of Hobosexi’s hands (so that’s where you’ve been!), it’s back on the model. This dress, too, is too big, so Squirc tucks it up in the back and uses some double sided tape. No one notices the drama though because Kenley’s hooting and hollering like she’s at a football game for no reason. Everyone looks at her like she’s an idiot, which I love.

Hey, what’s the mom from Everybody Loves Raymond doing there? They’re pulling out all the stops this year!

Time for the runway show!!! Heidi comes out looking like she swallowed Delta Burke for breakfast.

Free Suzanne Sugarbaker, you whale!

Fat Bitch tells the audience that Jennifer Lopez was gonna be the guest judge, but Harvey Weinstein refused to cast her in a movie he’s producing and she kicked his BMW so hard that she hurt her foot. SO, there’s a fill in! And it’s TIM! Cut to Kenley squircing on the floor, Korto rolling her eyes, and Squircangle looking completely blank. Kenley rolls her eyes and says “maybe I should have improved my attitude.” Or your clothes, but whatever makes you feel better at the end of the day. Don’t worry, you’ll have less judges today as Kors has apparently gone blind.

Close your eyes in the spray tan booth. Lesson learned.

Tim thanks everyone for being so nice and promises that he won’t let his utter distaste for Tug Boat Tania get in his way of being fair. Aw! Kenley shows first, and she comes out to babble about being inspired by painting things and Alice in Wonderland. Even the blind guy’s a little confused by her headpiece.

I smell tree rot.

Her family is cute. Her dad is glad to be on land, her mom is Carrie Fisher, and her sister has the same severe bangs and bright red lipstick. WTF? Joined at the bad hair. Touching American story.

It must have been cold there in my shadow.

The music starts, and it’s really depressing. It’s four notes repeated over and over again and it sounds like the doorbell of a haunted house. Her line is dramatic, and she does a better job of blending her fifties mentality with the modern world than she did over the course of the season. Not really sure about the first number, which is a black miniskirt with a giant pink wrap and aqua belt. The second dress is an ode to Dynasty. The model looks like she’s always shrugging her shoulders like “what’d I do?” The third dress is that zebra-ish print thing with a scrunched up flower bed on one side, lots of rope trim, and giant fake hips. Part of me hopes that Kenley’s delusions will turn into reality. I would pay to see skinny girls spend big bucks to look like they’re working on getting rid of the baby weight.
Next out is the Smurf bridal shower dress from last week, followed by a model who looks like Cruella Deville wearing a murdered children’s ballet class. Yes, Kenley, we remember how you lost your tulle and still pulled through. You’re brave, ok? Now please, for humanity’s sake, enough with the tulle, tool! Oh wait, it’s not complete unless you make a giant gift basket out of it and pin it to the poor model’s head.

If Lindsay Lohan gives me lip one more time I’m gonna make her wear that.

The next dress is a simple black cocktail number, but the collar is a feather cage. I sense that this has to do with sticking up for the rights of chickens, and come to think of it it’s only fair that they are kept in boxes big enough to turn all the way around in. Thanks for the enlightenment, Ken. Next is a Shirley Temple Easter Sunday dress. It’s pretty, simple, and hand painted. I think Don Draper’s daughter wore this one on Mad Men. And I get hand painting stuff, but it’s all fucking flowers. Maybe next you can move onto…I dunno. Clouds?
The next one is the super loud air freshener label from last week with scrunched up shoulders. An homage to Timface? This one is pure, unadulterated fug. Sorry, Tim. Not you. A black high waisted mini and slutty clown top is out next, followed by the swan wearing the dead ugly duckling rip off wedding dress. That one didn’t travel well and is lopsided on the bottom from where the tulle came unbunched. All in all, a pretty interesting line, and much more palatable without the usual accompaniment of the horsey giggle soundtrack.

CutToe is next, and she works that runway, bouncing up and down and giggling. She says she was inspired by nature and reminds us that she’s from Africa. Then she asks “don’t I look hot?” LOL, yes you do. In that Big Bird goes to the disco kinda way.

She uses island music that reminds me of this place I used to go with my mom in Texas called Bahama Breeze. She would start off really nice and then get plastered and tell me I have such a pretty face and would maybe have a husband if I went jogging every morning. Bad start, Cut! Her first piece is a super simple floor length blue dress. It’s very pretty, and you can buy it at every retail store ever invented. The most original thing about it is the enormous Chinese ass on the model’s head.
Next out is one of her new pieces. It’s a pleated baby doll dress with big knights of the round table sleeves. It’s pretty cute, but her model looks like Baby Jane in it. It’s followed by a bright green mini mini mini mini. She stays with the flowy sleeves on this one, too. Again, cute but BOOORRRING. And if that girl had a penis she would have to register as a sex offender because it would be flopping all over that stage. A bright white semi transparent skirt with a wrap top is next, and it’s her best so far. That’s hot, and it’s something new. Just wear a bib at dinner or you’re screwed. Next is a green, blue and yellow dress. It’s simple and beautiful, but the model has giant football player shoulders. That’s not Cut’s fault though.

She falls short on the second new piece by going long. Waaay long. The model can’t walk without hiking it up. What if this poor girl was being chased by a rapist? This dress is dangerous, and her boob is hanging out of it. It’s followed by another green mini, but this one has a flowy skirt and a funky collar. Meh. Extra points for having her carry around her laundry bag, though. Next is another take on bright white, and it gets applause. The floor length dress has a huge ruffle that starts at the bottom and runs all the way to the top. It’s beautiful, even with the blonde version of Chinese ass head.
And yet another baby doll, this one in mustard with a crazy cut top and a rifle strap around one shoulder. Umkay. The bright green comes back for a flowy floor length dress with a slit all the way up the middle. CutToe has added a lot of her giant clunky jewelry to her line, and this time a necklace acts as a strap, like the poor model broke the dress and fixed it at the last second with all the wire it must take to support that much rubble. The idea is cool, but it makes the girl’s boobs look uneven. Why would you want to go out looking like you MacGyvered your clothes? Use of color? A! Otherwise, this line was way hit or miss. Heidi is literally staring off into space.

Fine! You win!

Kors’ mom is wearing giant stupid sunglasses indoors, too, and she is also in all black. He must have gotten his ass kicked as a kid, like, every day.

Does my breath stink?

Hey guys. Guess what? This is gonna be on TV later.

Squircangle comes out dressed like a before pic on Guide to Style.

How can you teach people to drive when you still ride a bike?

Her first piece is one of those skirts that looks like it’s made out of fart cushions, and the top has a big shawl thing sewn on. I don’t even know how to describe it. I think I am going to have that problem a lot in the next three minutes. The model looks like one of those mushroom shaped metal things that spin around on top of apartment buildings. What do you call those? Oh man. Is it too late to just quit?
The second piece is a cream color skirt that looks like it belongs to a woman who lost three hundred pounds and doesn’t have enough money to buy new clothes, so she just pleated that shit up. Badly. The top has the origami fancy restaurant napkin over one boob. Next up, Squirc took a page out of Kenley’s book and made fifties style sailor pants with buttons up the side. The shirt is layers of heart shaped ruffles. Squirc could get a job designing for the men on Dancing With the Stars with this one.
Another fart cushion skirt is next, but this one has the cushions on the hips. And the top is a pirate shirt. OY. Why? Seriously. Why? I have trouble finding my keys in cargo pants. These skirts will drive women to the brink of insanity. The next model has a white bustier with a skirt made of fart cushions, but this time they’re folded. This girl looks like she’s promoting tacos. Outside a bordello.

When my sister got married, the buffet table had a big circle of paper napkins all spread out and they looked really pretty. I don’t know how that stuck in my mind, but it’s all I can think about as I look at the collar of the jacket walking down the runway. I get having a style, but just layering a bunch of shapes on simple designs is wearing pretty thin. She didn’t put too much effort into the fifties shorts, which look like they don’t even fit. Yikes. The model though? GORGEOUS.
Next is the Squirc version of the baby doll. That’s like a normal baby doll, but instead of straight lines, it’s curved, and instead of just a normal clown collar, it’s a clown collar in crazy nonsensical shapes. And now, for something completely original! The exact same skirt we’ve seen four times now, but this one in aqua and cream! I’m sorry, but skinny girls wouldn’t wear these dresses. They add twenty pounds. The most beautiful dress she’s made is next, and it’s a long, flowy evening gown. I think I like it cuz it doesn’t have crap all over it. It is, however, that same blue cotton candy color. The finale is the Bristol Palin wedding dress from last week. I never noticed that the boobs were formed into lips. It’s disturbing. I really thought Squric was gonna shake it up and do something crazy different tonight, but it’s just her old bag of tricks in three colors. YAWN.

Now it’s time for commentary from the peanut gallery. Chris March (I MISS YOU!!!) liked CutToe even though there was no human hair involved, Nick from Season 2 liked Squirc. Figures. Daniel from this season likes Kenley, duh. Cut to Kenley telling a reporter that anyone with taste must have loved her. And yes, she is still wearing the leaf antenna. Hopeless. Gillian liked, oh who knows? I stop listening every time she talks. She’s like a blank piece of paper. You want to write on it, but there’s stuff to watch on TV so you just ignore it. Rami liked CutToe, and Blayne looks like a deflated football.

Let me guess. You designed that yourself.

Not to sound like a broken record, but how did Laura not win? LOVE

Watch out, Andie McDowell! Sylar’s trying to steal your powers!

CutToe won fan favorite!! Wait. Why did we find that out in a commercial? There better be a reunion! I just looked at next week’s TV Guide and there’s not one scheduled for next week! LAME!!! I might just have to make one up. That shit would have been good.
The judges gather backstage and fawn over girl power. Tim calls the points of view palpable. LOL. The designers are brought out, and Kenley is still wearing that sad plant on her head. She is first to get grilled. Kors calls her line charming and says he loved her hand painting. Tim agrees and says she has a profound point of view. Nina loved her line but thinks that she ripped off Balenciaga. Oh, snap! Kenley rolls her eyes and I press pause and go to Google for answers. MyIt.com posted this pic of the dresses side by side and I gotta say, RIP OFF! Shame on you, Kenley!

Kors calls it a cousin, and Heidi says that a lot of people were talking about it at the show. Ouch. Kenley plays dumb and Nina said that it’s her duty as a designer to know what’s going on in the fashion world so that she can tell when she’s blatantly ripping people off. Kenley gets teary and says they have called her a thief four times and she knows that she should do more research. She says it in a very pissy tone. I don’t think anyone’s accusing you of not looking at fashion magazines, I think they’re accusing you of memorizing them. Nina just smiles like she just ate a plate of fresh baby.

Burp.

Kors thinks CutToe found a way to inject color into her line without making it look like the set of a Wiggles video. He loved the MacGyver gown, and Tim thinks she hit a bulls eye with the pleated taupe dress and he loved her use of color. Heidi thinks some of the pieces were over worked and there are “too many idears” in each garment. Nina agrees but says if she can just calm down she’ll be a success.
Kors loved everything about Squirc’s line and says that her workmanship is perfection. Tim liked her Dancing with the Stars number the best. Nina loved the variety (pants, shorts, skirts, dresses) in the line and Heidi says she liked the petals but there was way too much on the runway. Kors says she is running the risk of being called Petals Marshall, “which would be a good stripper name, but not a good designer name.” WTF kind of stripper would call herself Petals? Kors, you’re sick. Nina says the petals are one note. THANK YOU. Finally.
Heidi asks them why they deserve to win. CutToe cries and says that she knows now that a lot more can come out of her than just adorable children and showing at Bryant Park made her feel worthy. Squirc says that she is innovative and most of her line was made from sustainable textiles. Oh, go hug a misshapen tree, ya hippie. Kenley says that she knows she has it in her. Then she starts crying and says that she might have too much personality but she’s passionate and talented and has the balls to wear plastic plants on her head and art teacher scarves.
In alone time, Tim says that Kenley was cohesive and good, Nina says her fit was perfect and her line was “almost couture like”. Heidi thinks she has “a lot of idears” and loved the hand painting. Kors says that it’s too close to Balenciaga and LaCroix and Tim thinks that she would benefit from a fashion history course, but that she’s talented. Nina likes Squircs global warming stance and Heidi likes that you know Squirc’s clothes when you see them. Tim loved CutToe’s overall look and use of color. Kors thinks that she is simple and complicated at the same time, and Nina thinks that she knows how to dress a woman. I should hope so, this being the finale and all. I think Cut should win because she has donated the most adorable pics of this recap.

I’m getting pregnant as soon as possible.

They bring the designers back in and….

Can someone please explain to me what the hell happened to Nicole Kidman?

…Kenley is the first out. I thought she had a shot. She cries and tells us that she’s crushed. She adds that it’s bullshit that they called her a copycat when she knows she’s a true artist! Way to be big about it, VanPelt. Her sister tells her “you won in my book!” Aw. Sweetest sister ever.

Now let’s get home and even out those bangs.

Squirc wins! WTF?!?!? Poor CUT! She says that she’s always close to winning and never quite gets there. AW. She says her heart is bleeding. To get beat by a girl with split ends and the worst fashion sense in the world has gotta hurt. Fart cushions. That’s the last time I will say it, I swear.

I blame Weinstein!

For a pretty crappy season, it was one of the better finales in that no one outright sucked like most years. It was a close one to call. I thought Kenley should have taken it, and I would have put CutToe second. What do you guys think? Did Squirc cause a new shape revolution? Is Kenley a bad print burglar? Will Sensai be able to cheer CutToe up with a drum circle?

I’m gonna get you home and have five minutes of passionate missionary sex and then we can go pick up recyclables together, baby.

Thanks so much for being with me all season, you guys. This is definitely the most fun I have had at the gasm to date, and reading your comments have made me laugh consistently through it all! I will be back in a few weeks for Top Chef! See you then! LOVE, Flipit.