Project Runway: Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride

This week on Project Runway, Kenley cries because she’s sick of working for K Mart. Seriously. Let’s go!!

Blue Light. WAAAHHHHHHH

The girls get ready in their apartment and wonder what the day’s challenge will be. They all bitch and moan about last week’s auto parts task and hope they will get to use “real fabric”. Oh shut up, girls. It was bad enough listening to you whine for an entire episode. Someone in the comments section mentioned that the Austrailian PR had this exact same challenge and everyone got excited about it and made it fun. After spending some time with these jokes, that sounds impossible. Then it makes me think of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert and get excited and happy.

A cock. In a frock. On a rock.

And then Leatha drones on about not remembering how to make coffee and I remember where I am. I imagine that Leatha’s the type to just put a scoop of ground coffee in her mouth and chase it down with a shot of Jack. She’s gonna brew the shit? Oh, Leatha, we thought we knew ye. At least she’s wearing a bikini at breakfast.
Bye the way. Look closely. Is this screenshot foreshadowing?

Leatha tells us that she almost shit her pants being in the bottom three last week because she wanted to introduce leatha to Bryant Park. What she doesn’t seem to know is that most of the women in the audience will be offended by her work, being made of leather and all. It’s like trying to sell a burger to a cow. Just rude.
Pleather tells us that there are only four guys left this season, and he’s one of them (barely), and he’s proud to be one of the “last four standing”. This guy is delusional, but Jerell the Hobosexual is wearing a cow print vest over a Boy Scout shirt and I just can’t focus my annoyance in this apartment. Thank God the “designers at home” segment ends quickly. It gets more and more painful by the week. On the runway, Fat Bitch comes out looking HAWT to put a model’s head on the chopping block. Leanne Squircangle keeps her blonde bombshell and the cute little tennis pro looking girl is sent packing. Just once someone needs to cry and shake and promise revenge.
Heidi welcomes Tim Gunn onto the runway, who tells them that they are going to be designing for a fashion legend. This leads Squirc to believe that it must be an old celebrity because there are no young legends. Well, a lot of little girls used to dress like Britney Spears, but she’s not quite desperate enough to make a guest appearance on this show just yet. Maybe after the VMAs on Sunday, but not yet. She’s just glad that they don’t have to design for Tim himself. I would personally pay to see Tim Gunn rock a Squircangle original, but I’m sick like that.
Blayne, who is somehow magically connected to the opening shots of the show, guesses the guest will be that Dirty Olsen twin. Yeah, Blayne, she’s a real fucking legend. For generations to come, children will be telling stories about how she showed up on the cover of every single Elle magazine for a year in the same denim dress. He says that he is in love with Dirty and wants to marry her. What coke addict doesn’t want to be legally tied to a consistent supply, he asks us. “Besides Tim Gunn”. HAHA.
Leatha knows Tim means business when he takes them to the meat packing district, because, as she tells us, there are major designers there and it’s also where Samantha moved in Sex and the City and got all pissed about the loud trannies. Finally, Tim takes them to a giant showroom and introduces their fashion legend! From the tippy top of the loooooong staircase, it looks like Sarah Jessica Parker again.

Me and Matthew are fine GET OFF MY ASS!

Then as she gets closer she starts looking more like Elayne Boosler, who was going for comedy legend status but then disappeared. Seriously, people, remember when Elayne was like “Men and women are so different! Men don’t leave lipstick on the milk carton!”

If anyone mentions the name Rita Rudner in my presence I will stab them.

And then bam! She’s right up in our faces for a closeup! I have to press pause and try not to scream and run into the street and beg for someone to run me over. I calm down and remind myself that not everyone can age as gracefully as Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman before pressing play again. It’s Mister Toad!

VonMisterToadbergberg! I love your ride!

What do you wanna bet this bitch is taking the elevator back up? The designers make a giant puddle of pee on the floor and Kenley starts crying because she was traumatized as a kid by that herky jerky ride at Disneyland. The challenge is to create a look for VonMisterToadbergberg’s Fall collection, which is really a huge deal. Cinderella might even wear it one night during the electric light parade!

Thank God I wore the cow print/plaid vest and sunglasses on my head. I would have felt really stupid if I’d dressed down.

They will not just be designing whatever they want. The line is based on the film “A Foreign Affair”, which is a classic starring Marlena Dietrich. Then Kenley starts sobbing and screaming “FINALLLYYYYY!!!” uncontrollably. Diane slaps her and tells the designers that the woman they are designing for is a very mysterious world traveler and could possibly be a spy. She has a bunch of kinda old rich lady dresses on mannequins behind her to sell her point.

When she’s not spying, she puts books in order using the Dewey Decimal System.

Mood is out today, because the only one who understands patterns and colors as well as VonMisterToadbergberg is Diane herself, so the designers will be able to take what they need from her sample room. Hobosexi raises his hand and asks how many bags they get to fill and if they will have access to the trash shoots. The winning look will be sold exclusively to American Express holders. Glad Seinfeld and Ellen and Tina Fey will be able to get it at least. Too bad this didn’t happen before Ellen’s wedding. She might not have looked like the Candy Man.

A portion of the proceeds will go to the CFDA, which is a kind of union for fashion designers. I’ll bet Keith called them already and complained about someone using his machine last week. WAAAHHHH. The sample room is filled with lots of expensive fabrics, but unfortunately there’s no Gaysian to prejudge everyone and help them carry stuff. You’re slackin, Diane! No designer worth her beans doesn’t stock a Gaysian. In related news KENLEY’S STILL CRYING!

Diane VonMisterToadbergberg is to Kenley what the image of Santa Maria on a tortilla is to my downstairs neighbor, Lupita Ramirez. Different coasts, same wailing.

Kenley sobs that if she only wins this one, she can go home happy. If you don’t win this one, you’re a total tool. It’s like the producers had a meeting to decide how to get your ass to the end and wrapped Diane up in a box with gold ribbon just for you. Don’t suck. She continues to cry and carry on and tells Tim that he looks afraid and he retorts that he is afraid. LOL, Gunn. Leatha kills the moment by whining about not being able to get her fabric, which sends Tim into an eye rolling frenzy. He’s sure as hell not helping. He’s not paid to carry shit. Get a Gaysian.
Kenley, with all her sob adrenaline, comes to Leatha’s aide, throwing bolts of fabric all over the floor. I’m sure your hero is gonna fucking love that. The designers are freaking out and throwing shit everywhere and then there is a closup of Hobosexi and I realize that his vest is, in fact, not cow print at all. It’s ghosts from Pac Man, hearts, and happy theater mask signs.

This poor kid is worse off than I thought.

Back at the workroom, Squircangle checks in with her winning dress to see if she got tickets for 9 to 5 the musical or if Squirc’s supposed to.

Have I told you lately that I love you? Well I do. Let’s have lunch together every day, k?

She says that she is happy about her win and is dying to win now that she has immunity. Do you guys remember the first episode when Leanne was kind of a dick? Then she got taken down a peg and has since played the mousy quiet role. I have been waiting for that dickish attitude come back and am hoping now that she’s a winna her true colors will shine through again and make her less boring. Fingers crossed.
Straight Guy goes through Diane’s look book and notices a lot of layered looks, which means they should all make more than one piece. Everyone seems to be taking that path. Well, everyone but Kenley because she just wants to make one good piece instead of three bad ones. Plus, she needs time to sit in front of the cameras and, yes you guessed it…

Pleather is focusing on a masculine camouflage look, which cracks me up. Can you see Pleather in the army? The terrorists would have to stop bombing because they would always be laughing. That’s actually not a bad idea, no? He says his name like five times and then says he hopes Diane hearts him. At least that’s what shape I think he’s trying to make.

I love this game! I wish I had a dart.

Blayne tells us that he doesn’t want to barf neon everywhere in this challenge, so he’s gonna do something crazy and original instead of the same ole pair of pants, “like somebody else does”, meaning Terri. Good idea. So why are you making another pair of Bermuda shorts? Idiot. Terri thinks she can win this and she walks all over testing out her slacks, which aren’t very flattering on her. While she’s away from her dress form, Straight Guy and Blayne diss her fabric and talk about how horrible it is. It’s always the shittiest designers with the biggest attitudes, isn’t it? Straight Guy tells us that Terri is a one trick pony and Blayne says her fabric looks like fireworks and then starts singing the Star Spangled Banner. I think he forgot that the fabric was originally chosen by Diane. A Blayne segment wouldn’t be complete without him coming off as a total moron. Now he will say licious a lot and talk about tanning.
Squircangle was stood up by her dress form, so she has an awkward lunch with Leatha and Terri. She asks them what they’re making, and Leatha refuses to answer. LOL. Later, in the sewing room with Terri and CutToe, Squirc asks CutToe what she’s making. What is this need to know, Squirc? No one is going to try and combine a circle a square and a triangle, k? Stop with the fretting. CutToe, subtle as ever, tells Squirc she’s making a vest so copy if you want to and we’ll see whose vest looks better on the runway. Then she and Terri leave, giggling, and Squirc asks us why she can’t make friends. Crickets chirp as people all over America look around their living rooms and pretend we didn’t hear the question.
Hobosexi tells us the plot of A Foreign Affair and then shows us his sketch. It’s killer. Now if he can just make that, he’ll be fine. My guess is that he won’t come close.

CutToe is also very excited about this one and doesn’t wanna get reamed by VonMisterToadbergberg tomorrow. Then she does a really hilarious impression of her. HAHAH. I kinda love CutToe lately. Anyone second that? Leatha, who seems angrier than usual today, says that Diane needs to see her aesthetic and how it can blend with her own. Love it. Marlena Dietrich in buttless chaps and hole-y tights. Straight Guy tells us that he is sure he can win this thing and make it to the end. Cut to a whorish backless pink top that’s horribly constructed. The dress form actually looks like a slutty cocktail waitress that the real John Lovitz would try and wipe his slime all over.

Right?

Squirc tells us that she’s not much of a femme fatale (you don’t say) and that since she’s never been out of the country, she’s had no foreign affairs. Or local ones, but we’ll cry over that next week when Diane’s not here. Then she starts sneaking all over the workroom acting like a spy, telling us that she wants to live the part and call herself LeAnnimal. Yikes. Imagine that head hanging in your cabin.
Kenley shows Straight Guy and Blayne her work and they both insist that they like it. Then Straight Guy does this behind her back.

Please get this asshole off my TV. HATE.

Terri hints that Kenley should be making more pieces and Kenley ignores the advice. It’s not the brightest move, but at least she’s not crying. With three hours left to go in the day, Tim comes in to check on progress. Pleather is first, and Tim just scrunches his face for awhile and then says he doesn’t get it and warns Pleath about the giant fattening skirt. Pleath answers by saying his own name a few times. Why are we still suck with so many sucky personalities? It’s episode 8!! Tim is loving Squirc’s work and suggests that she tailor her jacket. Straight Guy’s work is looking just hideous. There are two kinds of pink and black and nothing is sewn right, but Tim still seems to like it.
Tim loves the fullness of the jacket Cut Toe’s making but isn’t sure about the yellow trim she’s using on her black and white dress. He suggests that she move it to the inside of the skirt instead and then concludes that “it’s growing on me the longer I look at it, but I don’t know if that’s good or bad.” HA. Leatha pitches a woman from Paris and Tim says that it’s Berlin and she was called out for not having a cohesive look last week and should try to listen to the Judges. She retorts that the Judges were clueless and “the stylist with the oversized muumuu dress and the waist band didn’t know any better.” Dammit I love Leatha and wish she sucked less. Tim shouts out an apology to Rachel Zoe and Leatha catches it in midair and stomps on it, saying she’s not sorry and she meant every word. Go, Leatha!
Kenley tiptoes up to Kenley, hoping she’s not crying, and when she’s not he says he likes her simple dress and having only one piece could go either way. When he leaves, Kenley tells us this challenge is important to her because most of the designers have worked for big people and she’s always been stuck working for WalMart or K Mart. Am I the only one laughing my ass off right now? Is she kidding? Don’t worry, Kenley, with Project Runway’s help you might eventually make it to Target. I think she’s dead serious, because she’s, well,…

The next day I relearn a very important life lesson. A lot of people are way less annoying when they’re naked. Jerell’s walking around in the boxers he stole found in the dumpster outside the International Male offices and for a second I wanna get to know him. And then he speaks.

I’m sorry, but you’re on TV. Could you put on a decent personality?

Hobosexi tells us that this is the most important challenge yet and he’s praying to the fashion gods that VonMisterToadberg will give him a pass, or at least whatever bottles she’s not using so he can trade them for some bus fare to get home. Straight Guy asks if he’s ready to go, referring to him as Chantilly Lace. Hobosexi responds: “The things I have to do to come up with a ridicule!” Huh? Learning English might help with that. And is he wearing a bra?

In the workroom, Tim shows up to do the Bluefly plug and actually gives them a sweet pep talk, saying he believes that they have what it takes to blow VonMT’s stilettos off her wobbly veracose vein covered legs. He is in such a good mood that he doesn’t even give Kenley’s Mrs. Peacock top a dirty look.

How many Furbys died in the making of this wreck?

Terri still doesn’t have a blouse, but she’s still got a cocky bitch ass attitude so I approve. Her rudeness has leaked all over Blayne, who seems to forget most of the dreck he’s sent down the runway. Instead of trying to rush to finish his latest monstrosity, he takes time out to tell us how disgusting Pleather’s work looks. I agree, but you’re no Abercrombie either, k? And please take that fucking headband off.

Pocahauntus

CutToe says she is nervous too, and I suspect it’s because she doesn’t have a jacket this week, which means she’s out of her comfort zone. She looks like she’s on the right track, though. Straight Guy says that his work is chic and polished and worries that it might get lost in the sea of crap that’s about to flood down the runway. Cut to his hot pink top with uneven seams and puckers everywhere. And is it me or does this look just like the hot pink Elvis number he tried to pawn off on Varla the drag queen before she talked him into turning it into a sailor suit? Straight Guy is determined to get an Elvis collar on the runway.

Unfortunately, this model is not a drag queen and doesn’t have the know how to save Straight Guy’s ass.

Squirc notices that Straight Guy is so over confident in his work and thinks his model looks like she’s wearing a cheap costume and Squirc’s surprised that he’s even still in the running after the shoddy work he’s sent down the runway. I told you Squirc’s win would bring out the bitch. I like it. Now I hope she gets ripped apart again so she can cry. I love seeing people’s egos get inflated then deflated then inflated then deflated again. It’s like when photographers put those cameras on flowers and leave them there to show us how they grow and blossom, but instead of a flower we get to see a nervous breakdown and a slow descent into alcoholism all in one season. YAAAAY!!!
Kenley’s worried about Leatha, but I say Kenley should be more worried about the things on her shoulders coming to life and eating her face off. Tim comes in and calls time. Runway show!!

D. Fat Bitcherhosen

Heidi welcomes the designers to the runway and introduces the judges. Orange Julius needs to stop wearing turtlenecks in the tanning bed.

Ring around the collar.

Nina Garcia is missing again this week. DAMMIT! I WANT MY MONEY BACK! In her place is Fern Mallis, who is the senior VP of IMG fashion. I want to be a senior VP of something so I can have an excuse to wear giant orange tents around with giant tacky Earth Mother necklaces. Fashion sense aside, I like Fern because I can get behind anyone who’s name is pronounced Malice.

Toad construction ahead.

CutToe tells us that Fern is the big honcho that puts the show together every season at Bryant Park, which is impressive. Fern looks way too nice for that gig, which means she’s got some nastiness under that I just made you an apple pie smile. Hopefully. If not she’s just a giant lesbian in a giant tent with a giant art teacher necklace. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, Mama Cass. Just stay away from ham sandwiches on the craft services table. And then of course is Diane VonMisterToadberg, who catches a fly with her tongue and waves big to the kids.
Straight Guy is up first. He’s made a hooded vest with hot pink lining that doesn’t look finished over a simple black waitress skirt. The top is peach-ish with uneven seams and uneven rope buttons and makes the models boobs look like they grew in right above her belly button. He’s topped it all off with a hot pink belt, and this is a really really really bad start. I usually hate beggars, but if I saw this model walking down the street I would insist she take a twenty and get to the GAP stat. Yikes, Straight Guy. He is confident that he’s made a winner and says that it definitely represents him as a designer. Well, I’ll give ya that. Who puts peach with hot pink and black? A straight guy. That’s who.
Squircangle’s up next. She’s done a tight purple gown that looks gorgeous, but she insisted on putting giant squircanlgles on the shoulders of the dowdy grey coat that goes over it. It looks like three panchos made into one and cinched at the waist. Without the jacket she’d have a solid dress. With it, she has a giant Hershey’s Squirc. Terri’s next. She’s done the opposite of Squirc and made a coat that’s killer with a meh underoutfit. The grey pants are ok and fit well, but the blouse is loud and looks like it was bought at a thrift store. Still, sweet coat!

Hobosexual’s model also has boobs down to her belly button. Is that a new fad? Because if so, my great aunt Louisa is gonna be totally psyched. Eighty two isn’t too late to lose your virginity. Jerell has made a goldish turtleneck thing with a large black formless jacket and tight black skirt. The model never takes off the jacket, which makes me wonder if any of it actually is sewn or if fabric is just glued to her and then tied with the most hideous blue belt off the Bluefly wall. Just in case his work isn’t confusing enough, he’s added a black version of that little sailor hat thing he always wears. Do you know that shudder you get up your spine sometimes when you are finished peeing after holding it in for a long time? I just felt that as I saw this mess walk down the runway, and not in the good thank God I made it to the bathroom way, but in the what the hell am I doing to my bladder? kind of way. Jerell is very excited with his work and says he is patting himself on both shoulders. Cut to VonMisterToadberg’s face.

LOL

CutToe is out next. She has made another jacket, this one with poofy sleeves and the same neckline as all of Hobosexi’s t-shirts. Underneath is a summery flowy dress with black and white circular print with yellow accents on the underlining. I thought this one was gonna be killer, but it looks a little slutty housewife from the 70′s.
The second the next model is shown behind the screen I start LOLing. Blayne, who was told his Bermuda shorts were too casual in the Lipstick Jungle challenge, has made another pair of Bermuda shorts that aren’t too casual. Unfortunately, they’re too damn ugly. His jacket is pretty decently done, but with the loud scarf underneath, his model looks like a court jester. Is there even a top or just a jacket? OY. He is way confident because Diane gave him googly eyes when they first met and she obviously appreciates a tan. HAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA. I have to hand him that one.

Pleather. Pleather. Pleather. Wow. Pleather. He’s made a hideous vest and a hideous dress. The fabric looks like camouflage, the vest is dowdy and gross, and nothing fits AT ALL. That is the simplest dress pattern ever, seen on Old Navy racks across the country, and he couldn’t even make it fit his twig. I don’t even know what to say. When your work emphasizes your model’s lazy eye, you know you’ve boned it. He screams positively anyway, hoping that a positive attitude will fix everything. That doesn’t work. I’ve never tried it, but I still believe that there is no way in hell to save this dreck.
Leatha has made a black cape over a simple coffee colored pantsuit and managed to give her model both camel toe and a muffin top. This could be a very pretty outfit if it was made well, but alas, the only person Leatha could find to sew was Leatha. Kenley has made a tight fitting slip dress with a lace trim and collar. She says it’s totally Shanghai. I say it looks like a scab. But at least Donna Reed didn’t wear it first.

Terri, Hobosexi, and Blayne (his name had to be dubbed over. It looked like Heidi called him lame, which is hilarious. They should have kept that shit in) are all excused from the runway, leaving Straight Guy, Kenley (who looks like she’s gonna start sobbing again), Pleather, CutToe, Leatha and Squirc.
CutToe says that when VonMisterToadberg described the person to design for, CutToe’s first thought was freedom. OK WE GET IT! YOU RAN FROM AFRICA! Someone get her a medal and shove it down her friggin throat please. She also says that she thought of relaxing at the beach, which is what the spy would do when not spying. I don’t think that was part of the challenge, but I am interested to see if they love it or hate it, because I honestly don’t know how they’re gonna swing today.
Diane likes the yellow, Malice likes the print, and Heidi likes the jacket. She’s safe. Straight Guy is next and says he went with Asian top for his international part and then just threw a bunch of other crap on his model and crossed his fingers. Malice doesn’t like the back, and Heidi agrees, calling it messy. No!

Ya think? Every single element is a mess. He couldn’t even get the belt right. Heidi actually comes through and disses every element of the back, and Kors says that it looks uncohesive and it could be in a “What was she thinking from the back?” article.
Kenley giggles nervously and says that she thinks she nailed her assignment. Heidi calls her out on not doing anything remotely like the looks in VonMisterToadberg’s book. Kenley starts talking over her and saying that she thinks she got the color right and Diane retorts “well I’m glad you got that right”. OK I LOVE HER. Then she apologizes to Heidi and keeps talking over her. Kenley, shut your mouth, girl! It’s not your time to go yet! Heidi thinks that it’s too simple and Kenley says it was very difficult to tailor the fabric. Oh, man. She’s pulling a Keith. Squirc rolls her eyes. HA. Heidi, miffed at the backtalk, calls Kenley out on only making one piece and then Kenley starts arguing and finally VonToad shuts them up with a “I like this dress.” Snap. Heidi sucks her cheeks in so far she almost swallows them, and then the rest of the judges jump on the love bandwagon and Kenley horsey giggles.
Leatha is next on the block, and she says that her model is a spy flying from New York to Berlin. Diane says she made a Dracula cape and Kors says the tailoring is hideous and wrong. Then he says the model looks like she’s missing a penis, which cracks Heidi up. Leatha takes it well.

Squircangle says that her look is relaxed and a perfect disguise. VonToad likes the mix of masculine and feminine, and Malice says there’s a lot of good design there. Pleather says that he went with camo on purpose. Diane says there are no hips and the skirt is way too big. Kors asks about the pointless slit up the back, and Malice says that she likes vests, but not uggo ones. Kors takes it further and says the model looks like she got dressed in the dark. HAHAHAHAA. Pleather argues that it’s not that bad, which is a really sad argument.
In alone time, Diane says that she liked Kenley’s fighting attitude and her chic dress. Malice says if she had one more piece it would be a home run. Kors and Malice both love Squirc, and Diane says “a lot of good design” again. Heidi likes CutToe’s the best, especially the jacket. Pleather was uninteresting, and Diane says flat out that it was bad. Diane thinks Straight Guy’s work looked home made, and Leatha is pretty universally hated. Diane liked the idea but was bothered by the workmanship. Malice says “Stella was not Stellar.” Good one. Your name is Malice and that’s the best you can do? Come on, Pumpkin. Make an effort.
The designers are brought back out, and then CutToe is excused. Squirc wins! Two weeks in a row! She will be a total c word next week. YAY! Kenley is excused, and so is Pleather. WHAT? UGHGHGH. He is safe, but he’s still pissed. Witness his almost fuck you kiss blow.

Here’s where I’m scared. Leatha and Straight Guy both blew chunks this week, but I’m afraid that Straight Guy will stay because at least his was interesting. I want Leatha to stay because at least she’s interesting. I can’t press play again! Straight Guy’s look was confusing and the back was a disaster. Leatha gave them three pieces and they all sucked. Leatha’s OUT! NOOOOOOoooooooo!!!! WHY GOD? Leatha kisses Heidi and says her ego is too big to be here anyway. LOLOLLLL how could you get rid of someone like that? OVER STRAIGHT GUY? When she leaves, Tim says that was the most ebullient goodbye ever and then he rolls his eyes. Leatha ain’t cryin’ for you, Tim Gunn!
She takes her auf very maturely, and says that she designs for rock stars and if you don’t like it then walk on. I personally think she should wait outside the studio, kick VonMisterToadberg’s ass and make a pair of pants out of her face. Where do you guys stand?