Dancing With The Stars: I’m Way Too Manly for This Show

Tonight on Dancing With the Stars, we learn that America hates gay blind people and loves eighty two year old sluts! God bless us!

This is a pic of me and my friend/DWTS partner KrankMills. Guess which one’s which!

Tuesday night’s show begins with me realizing why this woman is called Useless Samantha (copyrighted Bbitz Ent). She opened her mouth and it reminded me of the first time my dad let me and my sister stay in the car while it went through the giant mechanical car wash. Lot’s of noise and moving parts to look at, but in the end we were just frightened and confused.

Thanks for the flashback, Useless.

We start by finding out who’s the first couple safe to dance tonight! Lance Bass and Lacy! I’m glad that Lacy has found a job that lets her dress like a biker whore. Could you imagine this girl waiting on you at Chili’s? Please wash your hands with hot water before delivering my Awesome Blossom, greaser. Lance hasn’t lost his knack for kooky faces and over gelled fauxhawks, and together they’re just adorable tanned. Reaalllly reaaaallly sweet tanned.

Together they’d make a very expensive tan pair of loafers.

Flashback to Lance making goofy faces like he’s doing children’s theater and telling us how excited he was by his and Lacy’s performance. He had so much fun that he doesn’t even remember what he just did! Thank god for that quality. If Lance Bass remembered half the shit he did he wouldn’t leave his house. Cheers to a shady recollection!

Just because you didn’t complete your mission to become the first gay guy to land on a donut doesn’t mean you should be ashamed for the rest of your life. Dance on, Fauxhawk!

He and Lacy draw the Quick Step, which apparently means they will be hopping around a lot. In practice, Lance can’t stop making goofy wacky faces at himself in the mirror and trying to fix his fauxhawk (which won’t stop curling. Try Pomade. Or not having a fauxhawk), so Lacy has to talk to him like a four year old to get him to do anything.

Who made poopoo? Who made poopoo?

These two are well paired, because they’re both WACKY! Lacy likes to come up with funny little names for all the dance moves. She tells Lance to be a Transformer, or a dog peeing on a hydrant, or the first gay guy landing on a donut. That one made him cry, but when he took ten and came back not remembering a thing, she showed him the bunny hump and got him loving life again.

The dance is cute. Lots and lots of hopping. Lacy is wearing another one of her witch ballgowns and Amy Winehouse hair and Lance is butching it up tonight with a giant lesbian key chain.

God forbid a lesbian forgets her keys EVER.

The only time they kinda suck is when they have to pop their heads to the rhythm. Neither one seems to be able to do that, which is weird. They end with a wacky face from Lance. Lacy tries to kiss him but he’s busy making out with America.

He’s Just Not That Into You

Len says something about the important part being in the middle and not enjoying their posture. I never know what the hell this old bastard is talking about, but I’m glad he’s working because it’s one less non sensical fart in front of me in line at Luby’s. Bruno says the old dude is tiring and that he like like liked eet! Carrie Anne thought it was ok but lacked sophistication. Meanwhile she’s wearing a dress that looks like it’s made from cheap faux satin from Anna’s Linens and plastic diamonds.

Right back at ya, biatch.

Tom introduces the band. Nice to see the McCain campaign has found something for Sarah Palin to do to balance out that embarrassing preacher tape that surfaced last week.

Finally found a way to get on TV with Oprah.

After some useless conversation with Useless about Lance’s favorite dance move being “the pee on the dog”, they get their scores. 7, 6, 8 and Tom cracks a joke about Lance being in trouble with PETA for peeing on dogs. Why would Lance worry about PETA when he has this waiting at home?

Who you callin dog?!?! SAY IT TO MY FACE!

Toni Braxton looks like she’s seriously over it.

I better get weeks towards my unemployment for this.

The next couple safe is Misty and Maks! They drew the Mambo and their biggest hurdle in practice, other than Maks trying to get used to Misty without makeup again, is when he has to teach her a sexy hip roll. Poor thing looks like she just got off the bus from the Village of the Damned.

Braaaains! Braaaaains!

She gets down on herself about her awkwardness and says that whoever made her body didn’t screw her together right. If anyone can screw you right it’s Maks. That face. That ASS. That…sorry. Poor Misty comes out looking like she was just attacked by cans of that neon liquid string crap.

That is every shade of wrong.

Misty’s awkwardness is a bit better by showtime, but she starts with this solo that’s all about flailing her arms like her face is on fire. She’s got a little bit of the Elizabeth Berkely thing from Showgirls going on. Her hip roll is improved, and I especially like the part where she and Maks play paddy cake in the middle of the song. That’s just not used enough in dance. Sure, she kinda stinks, but who cares?

We have a winna!

Carrie Anne tells her it was better than last night but to please stop flailing her arms. Len says it was brave. ? He also mentions her arms. Bruno is less subtle and literally reenacts her solo.

My faaaace!

He says that her shoulders get higher and higher and if she can just stop her inevitable evolution into a hunchback she should be fine. Bruno was way nicer to Lance Bass. That’s gayist! He doesn’t seem to like Misty too much, probably because he was traumatized by people who played sports as a child. Or am I projecting? Either way, he gives her the evil critic from Ratatouille face.

“Finally Chef Gusteau has found his rightful place in history alongside another equally famous chef – Monsieur Boy-ar-dee. LAST. WORD.”

They score a triple 7. The next safe couple is Maurice and Cheryl! Maurice has a certain energy about him that scares me. You know those people that no matter what happens they act like Ty Pennington just showed up at their door and offered to turn their house into a strip mall with handicap rails for the young uns? Don’t trust those people. They will run you over with your car and then say sorry and spend the rest of the day acting like nothing happened. Maurice has done nothing but be a pretty good dancer and a sweetheart, but I am on the lookout.
He and Cheryl drew the Mambo, and he’s just so EXCITED! At one point Cheryl turns to a producer and asks if she gets paid the same if she just spends the next hour at the In and Out. She tries getting stern with him, but he’s busy doing the Roger Rabbit and yayayayyyyyying all over the place.

I LOVE YOU TY PENNINGTON!

He does an amazing job. At first he’s even more comfortable and fluid than Cheryl. He can move that body! He even does the worm! And just a question because obviously I am no dancer, but why does Cheryl always do half splits? Is she unable to go all the way down or is there a rule not to make the janitors have to come out and mop up between sets? OK that was uncalled for. Sorry.

The janitors union thanks you.

The audience goes nuts for them. Bruno loved eet and tries to imitate Maurice’s fluidity. Doesn’t work.

Yo. Olive Garden. That’s enough with the Lance Bass jokes.

Carrie Anne stumbles over her words and it sounds like she’s imitating Bruno. She liked it. The end. Len didn’t like the “Free Willy” step and doesn’t want any more of that blackness thrown in, please. So is the rule on these shows now that you just have to have a snotty British judge with man boobs? Simon’s teets may rest on his knees, but the man’s got wit. What does Len have? Other than impeccable kerchiefs? Eh, it’s enough. Kerchiefs are underrated in our times.

The one who smelt it dealt it.

Useless tells Maurice that lots of whales appreciated his move. Cut to Marissa Jaret Winokur.

How rude, editors.

They, too, score a triple 7 and Maurice says “We’re a winner chicken dinner!” Seriously, Maurice. You’re adorable. Now please. Don’t speak. Meanwhile, Toni Braxton is still bored out of her mind and Cloris Leachman is making out with Kim Kardashian.

BTW, commercials are retarded.

And then it’s back to those active lifestyles us Dancing With the Stars viewers lead, k?

The next couple safe is Brooke and Derek! When I wore contacts I used to get dry eyes and one time I bought these eye drops that were later recalled for being filled with bacteria. I was so grossed out that I got lasik, but Brooke, girl, you make me believe in saline again.

She tells us that she’s peed five times in the past hour. Thanks. Maybe you should stop taking so many diuretics, Eating Disorder Daisy. In practice, Derek’s only real rule is that her chest can’t touch his. Only on this show would a man say that out loud. Or on Project Runway. Or on Top Design. Or on Ugly Betty. Holy shit. The gays have taken over the world.

Well get used to it, BROOKE!

He’s so adamant about the rule that he picks her baby up off the floor and puts it in between them. It’s like a Catholic School dance with Tiny subbing in for the Holy Ghost.

Is this my daddy?
No. Stop asking.

They’ve drawn the Quick Step, and Brooke looks stunning. Derek dances with his mouth wide open and is kinda all over the place, but Roseanne Connor seems to have liked it.

Len says it was the best so far again, Bruno growels and asks where they “came out from”. Carrie Anne agrees with the boys and itches her dry eyes. Hon, buy some saline. No one will even notice the plastic diamonds. After Derek assures Useless that he’s not a homo just because he didn’t want to touch Brooke’s boobies, the scores are in. 9, 8, 9! Well done. Now someone please pick the baby up off the floor and get it home before Cloris Leachman tries to make out with it.

Someone hand me that little man.

The next safe couple is Cloris and Corky! Flashback to her slutting herself all up and down the table. Afterwards she asks Corky if they’ve been voted off yet and then threatens to kick the shit out of the judges if she’s outsies. Then she laughs for an uncomfortably long time. LOVE HER. In practice, Corky tells her that the Mambo was invented in the forties, which she takes as a strike to the heart, being born before Fred Flinstone and all. There is too much hilarity to write down here, but trust me. This woman is GOLD.

I’m over here, Cloris!

Corky tells us that Cloris is a nut, but she’s just like his mom so he knows just what to do with her.

Inside voice, Corky.

I didn’t stop hooting and hollering through this entire dance. BRILLIANT! There are no words.

I don’t know if there was actually any choreography there. It was mostly just Corky girating all over the place while Cloris smacked his ass and grabbed his wiener and walked around the stage really slowly. BRILLIANT. If ballroom dancing was really like that, I’d do it every day. Cloris jokes that she bribed the judges and they all pull out cash. She takes it back from them and apologizes that they don’t make very much money.
Carrie Anne calls her Golden Girl a lot and says that she liked the wiener grab. Len compliments Corky on not quitting, and when Bruno starts, Cloris asks him to speak English. LOL. He says he has never seen a mambo like this before and never will again. Then he says something that I don’t think anyone understood, because the whole house is silent. Cloris looks like she has understood all of her non critiques and really digested them.

When’s the bus coming?

They score a 6, 5, 5 and Cloris calls Carrie Anne a bitch. Can you give someone an Oscar for a reality show performance? I LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU CLORIS LEACHMAN. She continues that the judges scores weren’t very nice at all. Seriously though, you’re gonna give the lowest score to the 82 year old? I’m thirtysomething and walking around the stage that much would have made me hyperventilate. The judges are asses. Useless tries to make light of the conversation, but as per usual, she’s really really really bad at her job. As Tom tries to resume the show, Cloris is left blabbering about how pretty her costume is.

I wonder what they’re saying back. You know it’s hilarious.

The next safe couple is Toni and Alec. Tom says she proved she has “the heart” to go on. Classy, Tom. Then Toni talks about her heart disease. Oh for fucks sake shut up about your heart disease. You’re on a dance show. Alec thinks that she needs to learn how to breathe properly. And also stop eating so many french fries. And drinking melted Crisco before bed. Marissa Jaret just nods in agreement in the audience.
They’re dancing to the song “Blue Skies” and it’s killing me because I know it’s from a commercial but I can’t remember which one. If I find out it’s for heart medication I’m gonna be seriously pissed. Theirs is the calmest quick step of the night and it’s pretty boring. They mostly just skip around the stage together until Tony kicks ass at the end with a crazy face to the stage turn.

Is there a piece of bacon on the floor or what?

Bruno says it was like a sparkly glass of champagne, Carrie Anne points out Toni’s dead eyes, and Len says that she has a funny head. These judges are lame. I hope Cloris is right about them not getting paid well. Useless asks if Toni is feeling alright. Why wouldn’t she be? Does she have health problems? They get an 8, a 7 and a 7. Cloris Leachman’s gonna be waiting in the parking lot with a tire iron. Run, Toni! No, don’t. Your HEART might EXPLODE.
The next couple safe is Warren and Kim. In Warren’s interview, he talks about how fat guys are winners while Kim works on her future back problem.

What?

They are doing the quick step and it looks pretty scary in practice. Finally, Warren gets so frustrated that he asks the question that’s been on my mind all night. What moron invented the Quick Step? I’d love to hear his thoughts on food combining.

Today you will be partnered with the guy from Green Mile. Good luck you two!

Kim gives him a very inspiring speech. “You can do it!” That’s it? Alright then let’s roll with it. Then inspiring music comes on and he seems to get it. By performance time he has improved a lot! Nice work, War! Looks like they cut a lot of the jumps and added some running around the stage, but I’m glad. He’s a sweetheart. A sweetheart who just kinda ran and jumped awkwardly around the stage, but I’ve had to pee for two hours now and am too lazy to even get up to do that, so bravo.
Len says that it was entertaining but had no technique. Bruno beepbeepboopboops and Carrie Anne says that Warren is tons of fun. That woman needs to be slapped. Who says that to a fat person? Why not just compliment his personality or his pretty eyes, you plastic diamond wearing ho? They get a 7, 7, 8. This only confirms that they really, really hate Cloris Leachman.

Yay! I love pinatas! I’ll bet that one’s full of CRAP. Get me a bat.

The next safe couple is Ted and Inna. Inna says that Ted is a manly man (lol) and that to teach him the mambo she will have to break his spirit. If Married With Children didn’t, you won’t even faze him, lady. I am bored by these two, but have to admit it was awesome when she taught him how to work his ass.

Get that butt to the craft services table. It’s starving.

Gotta hand it to Inna. She dances her ass off. Ted, on the other hand, basically just does the box step over and over and makes Days of Our Lives eyebrows. Tom calls it Mambolicious. Gross. Tom has been infected by Blayne from Project Runway. Carrie Anne tells Ted he’s awkward and needs to look in the mirror more. I don’t think that’s the problem. Len loved it. Bruno says that Ted squeezed the life out of the mambo, but he means it as a compliment. Then Ted cries.

I’m just. So. Beautiful.

Tom tells us that Dancing With the Stars will soon be coming to our cell phones. And then knocking at our door at all times of the day and night. And then we’re gonna run into it at the supermarket and at church. ABC needs to calm the fuck down.
You know what? Let’s just pretend Useless isn’t here, k? After Ted tells us that he’s just here for the tight pants and high heels (and the world gasps in shock), the scores come out. 6, 6, 7. The next couple who is given the honor of dancing tonight is …

I just wanted to insert this pic so I can read the comment war later. Discuss.

…Cody and Julianne! I saw Julienne the other day at Kitchen 24 with her family. None of them had spray tans or three inches of base on their faces like she did. All I could think was that they must feel really fug. She was super sweet to them and she is gorgeous (freakishly overmade gorgeous), but I made sure to eat two entrees and order a malt as loudly as possible because I was irrationally defensive for no reason. Personal story over.
She tells us that her other partners needed to loosen up, but Cody needs to get his shit together. And maybe bathe and brush his teeth before practice.

That boy looks like he smells like a dirty sock.

She keeps telling him to man up, be a man, and try to muster up some masculinity. LOLZ, Jules. He doesn’t. They do the Quick Step. She looks perty, even though she has Ellie Mae’s hair from Beverly Hillbillies. He does a good job with the not flailing and falling down stuff. Meh. This show should never ever ever be two hours long.
Bruno says they are the queens of the prom even though Cody is like Jiminy Cricket. WTF? Carrie Anne says that Cody has become a man. WTF? Len said that it was a really hard dance for an 18 year old to do and he pulled it off. WTF? You diss the eighty two year old and credit the eighteen year old like HIS age is a burden? My score for the judges is a triple WTF. Good job, hacks.

Please don’t make me sit on your lap.

They score an 8, a 7, and an 8. That’s awesome for a young person. Worse handicap than a heart disease. Suck it, Toni! I love that the producers are making Kim Kardashian and Rocco sweat, because they’re assholes, but come on. Let Susan Lucci off the hook. She’s had a long life of feeling like an also ran. Let the woman sit!

Oh wah. Maybe you should stop wandering around the beach alone and GET A JOB.

The next couple deemed worthy enough to dance is Rocco and Karina. Rocco didn’t even bother combing his hair. Len hates Rocco too, which kinda makes me like Len. Sick how that works. Rocco said that his shitty performance last night was just the appetizer, but now he’s ready to serve the main course! It will be frozen and sold at Costco with his Photoshopped face on it. Ass.
Rocco acts like an idiot in practice, and it translates well to the stage. Karina basically just has him squat a lot and wink at the audience, which was a good move on her part. Rocco’s no dummy, he spends all of his free time flirting with an old lady. Is that his mom? I don’t recognize her when she’s not sweating over a stove cooking all the food in the restaurants that he takes credit for.
Len liked it, Bruno calls him an Italian stallion, and Carrie Anne says she wet her pants. ??? What’d I miss? Rocco says he got his hips unscrewed last night and then laughs like Janis from Friends. He squeals that dance should be our National Healthcare plan and Useless tells him he should run “for government”. He would totally win. Yay democracy!

I WON GOVERNMENT! YAAAYYYY!!! Chalky frozen meatballs for everyone!

They score 7, 7, 7. Susan and Tony are finally taken off the chopping block. Flashback to the 15 score and that closeup of Susan’s face.

She looks like that chick on Heroes with the black eyes that can kill anyone within a block radius. But hotter.

They draw the Quick Step and dramatic music plays as Susan tells Tony how stupid she feels. AWWW!!! You’re not stupid! You’re just a really, really, really bad dancer. In performance, Tony flips her all over the place at first, which must have really strained his back because she’s giant. They are doing a slow mo version of the Quick Step, and Lucci’s awkwardness works really well for this dance. Carrie Anne says it was much better and then asks Tony if he has something to say because he’s not fakey bleach whitey smiling. He tells her to find a hot poker and sit on it. In my mind. In real life he sweetly brushed her off. LAME. Len loved it, and Bruno does his best Balky impression. I can’t concentrate on one thing Useless says, but Susan Lucci comes off as the sweetest, most adorable, black eyed humanity destroyer EVER. I wanna give her a hug. Over email.
They score a 7, 7, 8. Susan acts like she didn’t lose the Emmy for once all over again. Only two couples left!

Excuse you, America, but have you not seen my film?

Nasty Liberace patched Jeffrey takes every last second of DWTS life to maul and breathe all over his poor partner before getting his butt kicked to the curb. She actually looks happy.

Please make it stop.

Jeffrey doesn’t seem to understand what just happened. HAHAH. Edyta whispers that America hates him and he just stands there dumbfounded.

Does this mean I have to stop calling you?

His friends and family stand in solidarity wearing eye patches. Aw. Jeffrey says this is a nightmare and everyone told him Edyta would be easy on the eyes. Wa waaaaaa! He continues that he will cry after this but it’s been fun and he wants us to know that if he can do it, we can do it! You can’t do it. That’s the point. Thanks for making us all feel like losers too, bonehead.
He apologizes to Edyta for bringing her down after she won second place last year and urges us to send her money to support her nine children back in Poland. HAHA! Tom asks him to roast his own performance on the show and he says he’s more “hahaha than chachacha”. Two people in the audience laugh. Way to elevate your career. This is sadder than that Extreme Home Makeover commercial showing the woman with fourteen kids. Wait. No it’s not. That show seriously needs to get out of my head.
Kim’s up next, and in practice, she insists that she’s so not sexy and doesn’t know how to work her ass.

Come on, now.

They are dancing to Big Butts, which is kinda amazing. They start with Martin literally grabbing hold of her booty and shaking it for her. Hilarious. She just struts around looking pretty while he dances his butt off. It’s kinda uncomfortable because he looks like he’s in first grade. They end with him acting like he’s munching her butt. I don’t know what I expected, but I guess I got it. She’s terrible, and she’s hot. And she will be richer than all of us for the rest of our lives.

Mouth off the money maker, Aladdin.

Bruno says Kim’s hot but “more wasted asses than Fannie and Freddy.” Huh? Tom explains that he meant “assets”. Either way makes the same kind of NO SENSE. That scandal isn’t about wasted assets, it’s about giving shit away to people with no money. Kim doesn’t have that problem. She only gives her shit to rich dudes. Get your analogies straight, Papa John’s. Len tells her that she doesn’t hink she’s sexy so she’s not. Carrie Anne says that she doesn’t have experience dancing (or acting. Or singing. Or working in any kind of way) but she’s doing her best. I actually feel sorry for Kim Kardashian! I HATE THESE JUDGES! HATE!
They score her 6, 6, 6 and Kim says that she’s happy that she beat the 82 year old. AND NOW! Drumrollllll!!!! A quick pic recap of the results show.
The dancers come out and do a routine to Under Pressure and I fall in love all over again.

The Lord of My Pants

Recap of last night. OMG you guys Toni could have died!

Wait….wait….nope I’m ok.

Then Warren was called “supersized” and “tons of fun” and fat people all over America nurtured their hatred of Carrie Anne and Tom.

I mean when you sit around the house you sit AROUND the house!

Lance gave Laci crabs…

…and Len asked Ted for a dinner date.

Uhhhhh….

Bruno blabbered incoherently and wore too much makeup…

You wass a great qualiteee!

Cloris, well…Cloris was harassed.

But then took revenge.

Ouch. His balls. My eyes. No one came out of this unscathed.

Tonight! Jesse McCartney!

And Adam Corolla!


Anyone?

Everyone’s shoved back in the same outfits and forced to stand on stage again.

Poor girl.

But before we get results, we get to see Jeffrey do the dance he didn’t get to do last night. He comes on sans the glitter patch and sucks again.

Please look at me. PLEASE. I’m sorry about saying you had nine kids in Poland! I love you!

He ends by almost breaking the girl’s back and forcing a kiss on her. Grodie.

OMG it’s so hard being awesome and having everyone love me!

Ya boohoo. Cloris is safe!!! Suck it, judges!

You’re still a bitch, Carrie Anne!

OK seriously. Let go of my wiener now.

Jesse McCartney! OMG! He’s been on the top of the charts for weeks! He’s been touring around the world! Who the hell is he?

This song is about flying a lot on airplanes. I think.

While he vibrates his castrato tribute, a couple ballroom dances. I’m new to this show. Does this happen every week?

I am so confused right now.

The audience goes nuts, and then Adam Corolla’s name is brought up and they all quiet down again. Seriously, what did Adam Corolla ever do to you people? He’s on the street asking questions.

Q: How come everyone hates me?
A: Cuz you’re an a hole, Howard Stern!

Q: Where’s Oz?
A: How would I know? I’m an Oompa Loompa. Asshole.

Q: Where’s your face?
A: Where’s your pride?
Q: That wasn’t an answer.
A: You’re an asshole.

Q: I got nothin.
A: You’re an a…
Q: I know. I know.

A: You’re still an asshole.

Kick her.

Time for the Jonas Brothers!!

Me and this old lady will be outside having a smoke, k?

I tried to sit through it. I swear.

Ouch. He sang so hard he got Lucci’s neck.

Did you know that this is the biggest season yet?

Most cross eyed…

And most could die at any momentest.

Back in the holding tank, Cloris tries to get more stains on her dress so they won’t make her wear it again.

And now, the loser is….TED! Aw!! Don’t worry! Now that America remembers who you are you’ll have another show in no time! No seriously, I’m not laughing at you.

Unfortunately, I’m way too manly for this show.

Until next week, what the hell is going on with Lance’s head?

The plugs go ON TOP.

Thanks so much for reading, guys! Krank will be back with next week’s performance show! xo