Project Runway: Fifty Foot Frump Banned from Beijing!

This week, Project Runway has the opportunity to show these Chinese Olympic security guards smashed up boobies and blows it! BOOOOOOO!!!

I see knees! LET ME THROUGH!

Last week, Kenley killed Ariel the mermaid and then forced a poor skinny girl to wear her, so lord only knows what’s gonna go down this week. Once you’ve committed mermaid murder all doors are open. If someone skins a baby, I’m changing the channel. Just one question before we begin: why do they show a shot of Dirty Olsen at the beginning of every single episode? I blame her for giving Heath the sleeping pills that did him in and don’t want to see her stupid face on my TV anymore. Discuss.

Korto starts the day brushing off Emily’s departure. She loved her but c ya wouldn’t wanna b ya. I like Korto more when she’s sobbing about how hard she worked and how she’s the first African woman to win Project Runway. Kenly is in the bathroom doing her makeup and she has a headband pulling back her dumb bangs. I know it’s only temporary, but who’s that pretty girl from the now?

Peggy Sue Got Buried – if only for a moment

Kenley tells us that having immunity this week is a giant relief, but the best part is being understood by “people who matter in fashion” even when she wears dumb five (or fifty) years ago flowers in her hair and shows her nude colored bra straps with a fag tag hanging out.

Love is blind. So, apparently are all the judges on this show.

Over in the boy’s apartment, Pleather touches up his eye makeup while Straight Guy blow dries Blayne’s already dry crackly face. At the runway, Fat Bitch comes out wearing what looks like leather tights and a transparent clown ruffle shirt. She’s also carrying a giant purse, which I hope she hits Pleather with the second he starts blowing his nasty kisses at her. Kenley opts to keep her model, and the model agrees to stay as long as she isn’t forced to wear something that makes her look like a size 12 this week. Heidi instructs the designers to meet Tim downstairs for a field trip, and on the way down Jerell says he doesn’t care what the challenge is as long as it doesn’t involve female wrestlers. He says this all head rolly and sassily because if you say something all head rolly and sassily, it’s automatically hilarious. There’s actually a high chance that it is the female wrestler challenge because it’s a challenge that’s been done before and that’s the theme of the year. The Magical Elves are in a pub wasted somewhere making out with their giant bags of money.

Tim loads the designers in the van and takes them for a nice long ride. Korto thinks they are on their way to the Bronx for a hip hop challenge (PLEASE let her be right) and Kelli nervously blinks one eye and prays as they pass a hospital that they won’t have to make nurse’s uniforms. Wouldn’t that just kill poor Jerry?

Tim seems to be fascinated with the new exciting language that Blayne has come up with for the show, so when the forty year old kid looks down in the dumps, Mommy Tim is at his side asking what’s wrong. Blayne is depressed because he hasn’t been able to go to the tanning beds and he’s used to tanning every other day. Tim is horrified by this admission, but Blayne explains that some people like to work out and keep themselves healthy and he likes to tan in hopes of turning into his mother as soon as possible. To each his own psychosis, I guess.

They arrive at the Armory Track and Field Center and Pleather says “OMG it’s ginormous!” This season has singlehandedly obliterated so much pop culture slang that it’s kinda sad. First I had to give up Holla, and now ginormous. I thought fierce was bad. Christian Sirriano is Mirriam Webster compared to these hacks. Someone is skating around the track in rollerblades, and when he comes to a stop in front of the designers everyone claps and oohs and ahhhs, even though Terri is the only one who seems to know who the hell he is. Pleather looks completely flabbergasted to see someone else with extremely stupid yet unique chin hair formation.

Identical Cousins

The guest is Apollo Ohno. He’s a five time Olympic medalist who won Dancing with the stars last year. He’s wearing a t-shirt and sweats today, so I hope to god the challenge is less this…

and more this…

I’m talking about her, of course.

When Tim explains who Apollo is, Daniel shrugs like “meh”. LOL. The challenge is to create a look for the US team at the opening ceremony of the summer Olympics. HUH? Spandex and gas masks. Duh. Daniel has never watched the opening ceremony of the games, but he assumes that because it has to do with sports someone holds up a flamer and runs around like they done tied a pig. If only. The ratings’d be through the roof!

Tim tells them that there will be men and women at the ceremony but the task is to design women’s wear. No one looks particularly excited about this one, so Tim tells them that other fabulous designers have designed for Olympic teams. Even Ralph Lauren!

That’s some ground breaking shit, Ralph.

Still, no one’s moved. Apollo tries to get them into it by explaining that if it weren’t for the Olympics opening ceremony he never would have caught on to the Punky Brewster look that’s taken him so far with the ladies.

Everyone still looks either confused or pissed, I can’t tell, so Tim tells them they will be given half an hour to wander around the Armory museum to get inspired before spending a hundred and fifty bucks on fabric. Jerell raises his hand and asks if there’s a dumpster in the museum he can go through instead of wasting all that money at Mood.

Hobosexual

Tim sets them loose in the museum and Stella immediately starts WHIIIIIIIINNNNIINNNNGGGGG. I predict buttless chaps from her. Tim hears her drone and leads her to a pic of a gymnast in fur. She considers doing a cavewoman gladiator look. LOL please please do. Jennifer decides that to rebound from last weeks frumpy dumpy nightmare, she’s gonna do something crazy and original this time. Just kidding! She’s gonna “take something from another era and translate it into modern times”. Holly Golightly as a Walk-a-Mall-y, if you will. Jerell says he’s inspired by an old pic of men in suits and I Like Ike hats, but his sketches show poofy sleeves covered in assorted trash. Blayne just stares off into space and eats pencils.

When they get to mood, Korto chooses leather because she wants to be different than everyone else. Because when you’re outside on a hot summer day, leather’s totally the most comfortable thing ever. There’s a reason no one else is doing it. She notices that “other people” (KENLEY) are looking at her already like she’s gonna get kicked off, but “they” should worry about that plaid they’re pickin’ out, okay? HAH Korto, I likey. And she’s right. Ten bucks Kenley makes something Sally Field wore at least once in Gidget.

Whinuh defied all my expectations and chose a stretch satin instead of leathuh. It’s black, but at least she’s trying. Tim comes up to her and scrunches his face. “You’re using black?” She whines “is something wroang wid dat?” and he says no no no. He’s just asking. Then in the same exact shitty tone he asks “You’re using black?” HAHA. Whinuh says she can’t help herself. Black is coool! Yes, Stella, it is. That’s why fat people and stage managers wear it every day. Finally, a designer that wants to help you feel invisible.

Since Keith hasn’t made any kind of headway in his work, he is trying again this week to be the villain. This time there are no cameras to jump in front of, so he takes Terri’s tacky zigzag material from the table and cuts from it. Cut to Terri telling us “oh no he didn’t! A sista’s gotta keep on dat open.” Huh? I rewound four times and still didn’t know what the hell she said, but it must not be as threatening as it sounds because when she’s in front of Keith’s face she just politely says that it’s hers and moves on. If people had half the balls in the workroom as they have in their confessionals, this season would be golden.

When they get back to the workroom, Straight Guy says, for the second time in thirteen minutes “let the fashion games begin!” Yeah, the cameras were rolling the first time, Straight Guy. Your phrase is now sweeping the nation, happy? Stella tells us that this challenge is very serious because whoever wins will be saying something about America to the rest of the world, and it’s “waaaahhh this is haaaaaaawd!!!” The designers talk about the sports they played in highschool. Straight Guy played football, Stella did modern dance (like tennis or baseball, only nothing like those games) which is not a sport, and Leanne claims that she was a cheerleader. I said “claims” because she seems more of a mascot type to me. Daniel hides under the table and waits for the sports talk to pass.

Go for the gold, Leanne!

Straight Guy is making a skort, which is even worse than a jort. Sure, jeans made into shorts are annoying, but at least you know what they are. A skort is a skirt in the front and shorts in the back. The last time I saw one of those was when I was a busboy at Applebees back in the early nineties (go ahead and laugh, you bastards!) and the waitresses started to wear them. They looked like shit back then. I can’t imagine that making them red, white and blue would help, but then again, I’m not Straight Guy. At least he doesn’t say “fashion Olympics” again. He tells Daniel that he was a football player until all the other guys kept growing and he stayed small. Now he’s just happy to sew and do John Lovitz impressions.

Aaaaaactiing!

Daniel admits to knowing nothing about sports (no!) and says it’s because he went to boarding school. Freaky. That explains his obsession with Wesley and those fucking boarding school shorts. He isn’t into making something sporty for the biggest sporting event in the world, so he’s going to just blow it off and make a cocktail dress. It’s either the dumbest move ever or he just wants to spend time with his new bf. Either way he’s cracking me up today.

Blayne tells Korto that his olympic sport is tanning, but the highest medal you can get is bronze. So that’s why you’re always shooting for mediocrity. He complains to us that he’s getting paler and paler, which makes me think he has a form of body dysmorphia. It’s like me. I see myself as really fat, but in reality,…I’m really fat. Never mind. Point is, Blayne’s face looks like raw hamburger meat and one more tanning session would have burned his face clean off his head. Project Runway may have very well saved his face.

Terri is kicking some ass and pumping out pieces like crazy while Jennifer is still pinning gold and cream fabric to her dress form. She is confused. Should she do something sporty (for the olympics? Have you lost your mind?) or something that is true to herself. Just a stab in the dark, but I’d go with A. I don’t think giant gummed virgin is exactly what Apollo has in mind. Unfortunately she can’t hear me screaming through the TV and sketches the same dress she’s made the past three weeks. But this time, it’ll have a doily collar and a sweater!

Why are all of Jennifer’s dresses obviously trying to hide a pregnancy? Something sinister’s going on here.

Daniel asks Whina why she chose black and she says that it’s because black is bad ass and so are athletes and if anyone says the word “bika” to her she’ll tell them the lots of bikas in this country watch the Olympics when they’re not grooming themselves impeccably or reading the Bible. I don’t get why black is such a big deal. No one’s saying anything to Jennifer and she’s using gold fucking stripes. Stella’s work must suck way more today than the cameras are showing because even Squircangle is dissing it, and she’s…well…Squircangle.

Keith tells us that he was a very competitive gymnast when he was young and that’s why he was so good at jumping in front of everyone’s cameras last week to steal their ideas before they were even formed. Somehow, doing gymnastics gave him the idea of using silk and fleece together, and I kinda hate him so I’m very excited about this development. His skirt looks shapeless with a very large elastic waste band. I’m sure he’s on the right path. What Olympiad would want to show their figure off at a party? Save it for the showers.

Daniel uses Kenley as a model for his skirt and she giggles and says she might not be the best choice because she has “definition” in her body. He nods and smiles. The point is to make the skirt look like it’s two sizes too big. Worked last week! Straight Guy starts getting pissed off at Kenley and Daniel because their work tables are right behind him and all they do is giggle and make jokes and it’s just soooo rude! You’re the one forcing the skort on us, a hole. He’s not the only one who’s annoyed, but it’s Kenley that’s bugging everyone with her incessant horsey laugh. It’s hard to blame them because she seriously won’t shut up. She sounds like Wilma and Betty giggling at the same time.

On the other side of the room, Jennifer is trying to talk Korto out of making a nurse uniform. Korto likes all white because she believes in second chances and she is from Liberia where she and her family had to escape or be torutred and raped. The pain of something like that, she says, is like an open wound. Um, thanks for the history lesson, but you know what’s really bad to wear when you have an open wound? White. Just saying. Where’s the leather you promised?

Meh. What are you complaining about Liberia for? At least they had ice cream.

Tim comes around to check on progress. Straight Guy is first, and Tim loves the skort. It is by definition sporty because every dyke he’s ever known has owned one. To take it further, Straight Guy has mixed up his zippers so one side is red on the other is blue! THAT’S CRAAAZY! Tim calls it witty, which makes me wonder if Tim was lectured by Harvey Weinstein for so openly hating this season’s contestants. Blayne is up next and his work looks like a mess, but he excuses it, saying that he wants it to be literal. Tim asks him what the hell he’s talking about and says it looks very Sgt. Pepper. When Blayne rolls his eyes and says he doesn’t know who that is, Tim sighs and says “ah, cocaine” and shakes his head before explaining that it’s a Beatles song. Blayne answers exactly! That’s the era of the cardigan! Tim scrunches his face and informs Blayne that the Beatles are not from the thirties. LOL. Blayne tells us that he knows all about the Beatles because he saw Across the Universe so he likes them, but not the musty old Beatles. The new improved stoner movie Beatles. Tim looks like he is considering suicide, and as if to cement it, parts with a “holler at your boy!”

Daniel is really all over the place. The color of blue he chose is really loud and hideous, and worse, it’s sewn into a long, tight skirt with a giant stripe with buttons going down the front. Tim doesn’t know what to say at first, but when Daniel throws a bright red piece of fabric around the top of the dress form and says he’s planning on making a bolero, Tim tells him to get his shit together and not throw the competition just because he wants a little boarding school action with his new toy. Daniel says that his work is “Wonder Woman”, but I’m sorry, Lynda Carter wouldn’t be caught dead in that mess.

I hope no one steals your gold medal on the way to grandmother’s house.

Jerell’s plan is to make a horizontally striped pencil skirt and a flowy blouse with vertical stripes and three different kinds of polka dots. Tim gives him a nono on the horizontals and says the blouse looks very Lucy Ricardo. He’s being kind. Standing next to his dress form, Jerell paints quite a picture. How was this bozo cast?

Sanford and Son meets Krusty the Klown

Jennifer is sucking, too. Tim calls her out on the matronly navy blue jacket and Jennifer says that she’s gonna use big jewels to offset that. Nothing says youth like a giant broach. He tells her to ramp it up, but I wish he would just hit her. Blayne dresses up and jumps around to cheer her up, but without the lion and the tin man, the scarecrow’s just creepy.

There’s no place like Tiffany…There’s no place like Tiffany…

Kenley may have a grating horsey laugh, but she is at least a good friend to Daniel and gives him a giant NOOO on the bright red bolero. He tells us “Kenley said the dress was so beautiful on it’s own that it didn’t need the bolero” which is an interesting way of interpreting “oh HELL no! Are you fucking crazy, Mary?” He gets to sewing, and suddenly Straight Guy’s in the room bitching at him for stealing his sewing machine. Daniel says he doesn’t know what he’s talking about because he took this machine over from Kenley. Straight Guy says that he’s been working on that one machine for three challenges and Daniel needs to pay attention. He had it threaded with white thread! Cut to every single machine in the room being threaded with white thread. Judge Judy would have told his ass off.

Pay attention. Pay attention. Pay attention. That’s seriously what watching this scene was like. Daniel’s like whatevs you big girl and Straight Guy’s like pay attention and pay attention and Pleather’s like wakadoodle! How bout you girls start concentrating on making something that SUCKS WAY LESS, K? Straight Guy can’t let it go and tells us that there’s a lot of drama because there’s a lot of drama queens, and he’s right. He’s the biggest one, though. Korto tells him to just say “waaaaaahhhhh” and get it over with. HAHA Korto. She tells us that this is like high school and she wants to get to college, cuz in the real world fashion designers are very calm, drama free people. We finish the day with Straight Guy whining and acting like the biggest hairest most annoying woman ever.

Sorry, Bruce.

The next morning, Jerell gets all snotty and tells us how he’s gonna win and watch everyone go home one by one, and I can’t wait to see his ass get the boot. He’s gonna cry all over his homemade blouse and make the discarded newspaper fabric streak. Stella doesn’t really ever have much interesting to say, but it doesn’t stop her from talking at all times. She tells us that having immunity would be sweet because it means you can fuck up and not get fired. Hey! That’s how I felt when the chef at my job called me a faggot in front of everyone last year. Yay immunity! Get your own goddamn ice tea refill, bitch. I’m a perm, now! Blayne spends the morning manufacturing more of his “originality” all over the chalkboard.

And he still doesn’t know how to spell licious.

Kenley thinks her blue is too close to the blue Daniel chose and tells him so. “I thought yours was more blue!” Honey, there isn’t a blue that’s more blue than what he chose. She says that his dress is gonna look purple on the runway and she’s scared for him. The amusing part is that she says this while holding the same plaid that was on the tablecloths everyone used in the first challenge. Scratch the part above where I talked about how good a friend Horsey was being.

Maybe Jerell was onto something with the mixing of all those bad patterns. Or maybe they’re both just really tacky.

Time for the oh my god we’re not gonna finish montage. Straight guy is very confident that his sporty look will win because it’s been worn hundreds of times at female sporting events. Jerell’s work is…wow. It’s something else. Blayne says his model looks like the Titanic. I don’t know if he meant the actual sunken ship or Kate Winset or if he even knows what the Titanic is, and I’ve already wasted enough typing on him. I think she looks like Little Bo Creep. Whatever the case may be, that’s one unhappy model.

I skipped solid food all week for this?

Korto takes a look around the room at all the bizarre designs and notes that they all look like they are from the twenties and up and she wants to live in 08, dammit! She’s right. It looks like the backstage area of a Zigfeld Follies show. Time for the runway! Fat bitch is wearing a see thru beaded thing that’s very pretty, but what her obsession with the visible bra thing today? We get it. You have boobs. Yay Victoria’s Secret. Who cares about that anyway when Jerell is dressed like he found a dead boyscout and ripped his uniform off?

Alright, you’re under oath. Where did you hide the Boy Scout, Hobosexi?

I am still confused as to how Nina Garcia got rid of her bed hed. That doesn’t just happen over night, people. Products? Wigs? Who knows? I don’t know why it bugs me but it does. Thank God she still has that permanent devil woman scowl.

You’re all fired.

Korto’s up first, and it takes a lot of balls to talk about how sick she is of everyone using the past in their designs when she made a pair of high waisted sailor pants from the thirties. There is no way a gymnast shaped like a box is gonna wear those pants and look cute. The vest is loose with a flight collar and red shoulders and makes her model look like a box, which is probably good for this challenge. Thankfully for Korto, her model didn’t arrive with an open wound today.

Pleather basically made the exact same poofy skirt he made in the Bluefly challenge, but this time it’s blue. The top is also exactly the same as in that challenge, but it doesn’t have the sewn together fabric strips. It’s badly sewn around the waist and looks like it doesn’t fit the girl at all, but he’s all smiles as he tells us that it’s exactly what he wanted and repeats his own name ten times.

Kelli’s model looks like she just stepped off the set of Mad Men. The top is red with white polka dots and a big bow and it has nothing to do with the challenge at hand, unless we are trying to prove to China that we’ve reverted to the good ole days where women knew their place and everyone did what they were told. Don’t worry about this woman, China, no dirty internet or free thinking for her!

Straight Guy’s hacky work looks like it’s been done a million times before, but at least it fits the challenge. It kills me to say it, too, cuz he acted like a total prick the whole day. Squircangle made some weird rolled up white shorts with a pregnant lady’s tennis blouse and added a giant collar that’s not curved or striped, but somewhere in between, you know, cuz she’s Squircangle. This shape is her “wackadoodle” or “licious”, and it all needs to stop. Daniel’s dress does actually look purple on the runway, and it has nothing to do with the challenge. There are buttons sewn all over the model’s womb and the whole thing is just disturbing.

Jerell’s outfilt is fucking HILARIOUS. I already showed you the giant Bo Creep hat and it just gets better. Pinstriped skirt over leggins, Little House on the Prairie sleeves, a cummerbund, and just to make the tri-polkadot scarf quieter, he added some sort of black lace to the front of the blouse. L. O. L. This thing is just hideous. It will probably win.

Stella’s outfit is very patriotic in a vampire biker whore kind of a way. It’s not necessarily Olympics, but it looks great and the model looks great in it. The black satin vest and tight pants with red and silver accents is pretty hot. It doesn’t hurt that she followed Jerell’s little corner of Hell. Keith made a chichi ruffle skirt under a long white blouse with a huge white collar and even huger scarf. It’s fug, but it’s not as bad as some of the crap we’ve seen today, so he’s got that goin’ for him.

Terri’s made some pretty sweet pants with a red stripe up one side, but she added a pinstripe jacket that doesn’t make much sense and a giant ruffle scarf that makes less. The most confusing thing about it is the shirt. It’s a Jerell style below the nipple number that squeezes the life out of her model’s boobies on purpose. I don’t get it, but it looks great. And China will start a fucking war with us if this outfit wins.

Jennifer stuck to her guns and made an out of place old Golightly dress with a virgin sweater, but on a positive note, it looks like it was made better than her last three pieces. Blayne made shiny white slacks and a long stretchy white blouse with stripes glued to it. His model is pretty hot, which makes the outfit, but I can’t imagine anyone wearing this one either, unless the opening ceremony turned into a wild open game of golf in the sixties. Do the Olympiads have to wear the winner or can they opt out? Cuz this is getting a little scary. I was expecting Kenley’s tablecloth dress to be hideous, but it actually looks great. Again, though, it’s from 1952 and has nothing to do with the Olympics at all.

Pleather, Kelli, Squircangle, Whina, Keith, Blayne, and Kenley are safe, leaving Straight Guy, Daniel, Jennifer, Terri, Korto, and Jerell on the runway. Terri says that she used the blazer because she saw so many of them in the pictures. Apollo loves it and Kors thinks it’s very Lauren Hutton minus the distracting tooth gap. Nina says that it’s smart and the Olympiads would look great in it.

Heidi doesn’t get Jennifer’s work and doesn’t see how it has anything to do with the Olympics. Nina doesn’t think Jennifer knows how to listen to instructions and her model looks silly. Apollo doesn’t think that anyone would look proud wearing it. Snap, Apollo!Heidi is impressed with Straight Guy’s zipper, and Apollo likes that it shows off a good physique. Nina is happy that someone actually made something sporty.

No one gets how Daniel’s dress has anything to do with anything. Daniel says that the blue is American and no one buys that the dress is blue. Heidi points to his purple shirt and asks him what color he’s wearing. LOL. Kors waves it off and says the color is the least of his problems and the girl looks like she is from the Republic of Cocktail Land.

Korto says her leaving the past in the past thing and no one calls her on the sailor pants from the thirties. All the judges love her. And that leaves Jerell. Apollo says that it’s very unique and Jerell rolls his head and thanks him in case that’s the only compliment. Nina and Kors start cracking up and call it Mary had a Little Lamb. Heidi thinks he has great idears but…Kors jumps in and calls it Meshugana. I guess he made em laugh so he’s safe. BASTARDS!! God I want this tool gone.

In alone time the judges repeat all the same ole same ole but Kors adds that if Daniel’s model’s sport was drinking the dress would be perfect. LOL. And the winner is…not Straight Guy! HAHA Straight Guy! Korto takes this one. Poor Terri! Always the bridesmaid! I am sure that this win will make Korto very humble next week. Terri’s a good, positive sport and I am starting to like her even though I don’t understand what she’s saying half the time. Daniel and Jennifer are the bottom two and are both told they missed the boat. Heidi tells Jennifer that it was almost a tie but at least Daniel knows how to pluck his eyebrows. And with that, she is out. Then, suddenly, she grows into the fifty foot frump and crushes Heidi with her giant Payless heels. That’ll teach her, Jennifer!

AAAAGH! RUUUUUNNNN!!!!

Awww. Poor girl cries and says that she wishes she had more chances to prove her surrealism. LOL. So what do you guys think? Do you approve? Will China?