Big Brother: What Would Nixon Do?

Tonight on Big Brother, we find out everything we ever wanted to know about King Soloman and tar and feathering old people. Thanks, Grodner!

And you thought I was slipping.

I have to start off by saying that just from what I know from the opening credits, I love Libra, and this is why:

Grrrrl!

We open with smarmy ass Brian taking credit for steering Jerry’s nominations. I hate to give it to him, but Brian did play the guy like a deck of cards, which was difficult to watch. I was hoping more for spider solitaire from Jer and less Old Maid. One thing Jerry has workin’ for him, though, is ability to tell you off while still being a gentleman. In our times, a HOH in Jerry’s position would most likely say something like “Jessie, Renny: you’re assholes, no one likes you, so I gotta nominate you.” But our man is old school. He knows how to give a speech.
“It turns out I’ve chosen Jessie and Renny for eviction. And I’m doing it for a reason that evidently there was a conflict last night, between two people, that, I think would probably still go unresolved, and rather than let it fester, I decided to put it back on you people to decide who stays or goes.”
Got that? Jerry is working for peace, he’s not into party bickering, he hates terrorists, and remember; he’s not evicting you, the people are evicting you. Get gas down a dollar over the summer and you got my vote, pal.

What. EVER!

My allegiances often change as I watch this show, but my heart fell for Jerry first. Not because he’s old and cute, but because he’s worn the most awesome outfit of the season so far, even beating Reena’s cat glasses and Olive Oyl cleaning the kitchen wig.

So. Where ya from?

Anyway, Brian won that round, and Jerry walked away very proud and grateful to have aligned with such a good boy. He insists that it’s part of his profound master plan, so I’m looking forward to that. When the meeting is adjourned, Desperate Michelle with eighteen pets is off the couch and into Jessies giant arms.

“Thanks for your support. Ok. Ok. Ok You’re hurting me now. Let go. Seriously. Ow. Let Go.”

Ollie goes to hug Reena and whispers “It’s far from over!” into her ear. Yeah, you could get lucky and win the veto, but if the challenge is the quiet game, you’re screwed. Reena is completely appalled that she was nominated over such a stupid little thing like making a really long, loud, black hole wind of death sucking out the soul of humanity gasping/laughing sound. The shock has left her mindlessly babbling syllables and moving her head back so far in disgust she almost hits the back wall of the diary room.

But…but…everyone loves me! I’VE GOT MY OWN GODDAMN MARDI GRAS BAND GODDAMMIT!!

Jessie’s reaction is basically

I don’t think I’ve ever really noticed the whites of someone’s eyes before, but his are actually kinda pretty.

He blames his nomination on “the old girl” and her “loud ass New Orleans mouth”. Well, yes. But, by egging her on, you opened that loud ass mouth even more and for that you have to be punished. Fire alarms are painful to hear, but it’s the little boys who pull them that we beat.
Reena goes to Jessie armed with her charm and a solid, hip “Duuuuude, what did we do?” and an isn’t this crazy? grin. He’s not having it, and tells her she knows. She goes on the defensive, ready for a fight, but she’s going to have to learn to decipher Jessie’s special brand of English, first. “You know. I’m not gonna give you…the benefit of the doubt…to try to gettin’ at me.” Well said, lunkhead. Made even richer by the protein shake in your hand.
Reena, like the rest of us, is all “HUH?” And then she correctly surmises that Jessie is a punk. Just in case you kids out there aren’t familiar with the term, let Reena define it for you. “A punk is a young person who knows nothing of life. At all. Like nothing. Like punk boy? He hasn’t even got his whistle licked yet.” She stopped short of offering to lick his whistle, and for that, I thank her.
Jessie marches up to the HOH suite and whines that even after all this, Reena refuses to apologize. You can say what you want about Reena, but she did apologize. And apologize. And apologize. I had to turn the volume down. It doesn’t matter because Jerry’s not buying it anyway. He calmly and diplomatically explains to Jessie that as a good leader, Jer can’t let things fester, meaning you, you open wound. Now give the man some peace so he can lay out his shorts and tennis socks for the morning. Jessie won’t leave. But she won’t say she’s sorry! She’s disrespecting me! WAAAHHHH!!! He can’t take you off the block, stupid. Leave the man alone!
Meanwhile, Reena Sweeny is still stunned that her basic personality could lead to such devastating results, and houseguests stand around the kitchen watching her and waiting for the inevitable hilarious and indecipherable shit storm heading to town. Brian smirks and eats and acts as her sounding board. She demands that someone bring this Jessie punk boy to her to explain himself. No one does. Brian smirks “go get him.” Well, I never! Reena stays seated. The punk has to come back to the kitchen eventually.
Upstairs, Jessie is still begging for approval and Jerry is still telling him to lie in the bed he made. Ding-dong. Jessie, look who’s here at the same time as you! Michelle the pet lady! Don’t worry, she’s not hear to rub her arm against your milky muscles, she’s here to kiss Jerry on the cheek and vent about how much she misses her turtle. Two people make an audience, so Jerry straightens up and gives them his speech. It’s about King Solomon. Two women wouldn’t stop fighting over a baby so he said to cut the baby in half. Michelle the pet lady looks appalled, but sounds to me like King Solomon was actually taking a stand in favor of two mommy families. Can’t we just all get along? Soloman/Jerry ’08!
I don’t know what the hell this story has to do with anything, and neither does Michelle. Jessie couldn’t follow it at all, but he finally seems to understand that he’s been getting smacked down, and guess what he does!

Don’t take it personally, Jess. I’m sure he’s just offended by your physique.

Finally, Jessie leaves the room and goes to the kitchen. Reena asks him why he’s acting like that and he says “what?” And then she says “come owaan!” And he says “what?” And she says “come owaan” and he says “acting like what? Say what you wanna say.” And she says “what?” Right now in Heaven, Abbot just turned to Costello and said “HUH?”

That didn’t make no kinda damn sense.

I think they must sense deep down how stupid this is, but it’s their first fight on BB and they’re doing the best they can to keep the magic alive. They just lob “what?” and “huh?”s to each other until Jessie walks out, leaving Reena blurting more nothingness to herself. Brian watches silently and rubs an imaginary long goatee. Then he goes to his room for a back slapping bro love meeting with Goal Weight Rerun and Catholic Dan.
Later, Jerry comes down to the kitchen, where Reena is still stewing. He mentions that there’s wine in his HOH basket and she tells him to open it. He looks at her like he’s about to give the Moses being polite to the Burning Bush speech, but she stops him with a please. Manners? Check. File story for later. Jerry is way too smart to get stuck alone in his room with Reena, so he invites everyone up for a party.
A bunch of them come and giggle to each other as Reena sits off by herself. Desperate Michelle the pet lady hovers around Jessie. He doesn’t notice, though, because he’s too busy petting his boob. I swear to God, he’s totally petting his boob.

Michelle sits down next to him and puts her arm around him, and he continues to not notice her. Finally, Reena loudly asks Jerry permission to say something in his room. I admire someone who can take common manners and make them sound rude. Jerry gives her permission to address the congress and she apologizes as slowly and as clearly as possible for waking up Jessie with her dying walrus sound. He thanks her and falsely notes that it took a day and a half. She gets up and calls him a liar. Then the editors save me a YouTube upload by playing back the clip of Reena saying sorry four or five times. Disgusted, she says he has a snake tongue and leaves. Michelle asks him if it’s true and tells him she loves snakes.
Later, Brian sits outside with Rerun and inexplicably, Michelle. Jessie must’ve had to go number two. Brian tells them that Reena is a ticking time bomb and will take care of herself eventually, but Jessie’s a giant slab of milky soft beef that has a very high chance of winning challenges. Michelle surprises me by not begging for this one chance at happiness before she dies alone in her Petco smelling apartment. She might be faking it, but for now she’s going with Brian.
Next, Brian plays a game of pool with Angie and tries to form an alliance. She goes along with him too, but tells us that he’s blatantly forming alliances with everyone and making her feel threatened. Well, you sure can’t tell you’re uncomfortable from the way you’re acting!

Please don’t hurt me.

She’s right, of course, not to trust him. He better hope Jerry doesn’t catch him in this shirt, military service or not.

You know what Jehosaphat said about commie pinko bastards, don’t you?

When he’s done making Angie uncomfortable, he finds the gay cowboy in the kitchen and asks what respectable gay guy wears plaid shorts and a cowboy hat at the same time. Kidding, that was me. Brian says that if he promises to keep gay cowboy off the block he would love it if gay cowboy would do him the same favor later on. This guy’s unbelievable. “I can bullshit an old silly geezer into doing anything I say, and if you don’t fuck with me, I won’t program him to shoot you.” Classy. And gay cowboy’s in.
His next stump on the campaign is in Memphis. Brian tries his tricky sales skills on him. “What would you say if I told you I could keep you here for the next two or three weeks?” Memphis stays silent. He’s not just some dumb ass bartender. He’s a mixologist, and he’s not easily fooled. “What would you say if I added in free nights and weekends?” Silence. “What would you say if I gave you a second phone for a friend or family member for half the price?” Nothing. Memphis finally answers that they might work well together later in the game, so let’s just leave it at that.

I’ll set up your Bluetooth! Come back!

He goes back outside later to sit with his boys, Rerun and Catholic Dan, and regales them with stories of the boy who became king. He has all the votes he needs to do anything he wants and no one has even dared form an army against him! You know why, dickweed? BECAUSE IT’S ONLY THE SECOND DAY IN THE HOUSE!! Just in case we didn’t get the point, he tells us in the diary room that he has complete control of the house and will rule the world! No, the universe! BWAHAHAHAH!

In the living room, Rerun is lying on the couch with April talking about how self conscious she is, giggle giggle. Ok, so she had Jerry’s hands on her boobs last night. Her girls are very outgoing and personable, but she’s shy as a lamb. Rerun is in love. They flirt, I barf, and everyone’s happy.
Jerry gathers everyone for the Veto comp. Reena, Justin and Jerry will be joined by Michelle, April, and Memphis, who wins the faux hawked sunglasses indoors douchebag of the night award.

Congrats. You’ve outdicked Brian for the day.

It’s Jerry’s job to pick a host for the comp, and he chooses Angie. The job requires a lot of bouncy enthusiasm and she’s got a huge rack and a bikini. He’s not stupid.

Old people get boners, too.

The set for the competition is a giant pillow pit with teddy bears everywhere. It’s very bright and cheery, but it’s a dark hole compared to the ray of sunshine Reena showed up as. She tells us that she feels all alone in the game, but it’s hard to feel sorry for her when she’s dressed like the lady that purse slaps kids who don’t offer her their seat on the bus.

If that ball lands in my yard one more time I’m keeping it, ya little wascals!

The HG’s are wearing pastel colored pajamas (even Angie. Sorry, Jer) and the game is to crawl through honey and then jump into bed to find pillows that match their pajama colors, rip them open, and get hidden teddy bears. Whoever finds five bears first wins. It’s hilarious. The honey isn’t easy to get through for anyone, but Reena can’t even move. She slithers way behind, and it’s the quietest she’s been yet. It isn’t until she’s on the lawn that she finally shrieks “WHAT? Ah you kiddin me?!?”

Thank God you thought to wear that shower cap. It’s making all the difference.

It’s natural that she had some trouble. As Memphis so astutely notes, the honey added about eighty pounds to their normal body weights.

Brilliance is a very heavy burden, ain’t it?

Michelle is doing pretty well. She tells us that she’s been in a boxing ring. She can take on the boys any day, and she’s got the chola hair to prove it.

Someday my prince will come. Or I’ll cut someone.

Jessie is ripping a bunch of pillows open, but can’t seem to find a bear. Not to worry! Michelle’s pulled into first! Everyone starts getting in the groove of the game and it’s early to call it, but I don’t think Reena’s gonna win. Sad clumsy clown horns blare as she stumbles around the pen empty handed. She finally finds her first bear and the HG’s try to root for her, but then she starts rolling in the honey, which just makes it harder to move. According to Memphis Math, she’s probably carrying about a thousand extra pounds right now.

At least you look hot.

Michelle keeps her promise of beating all the boys. All except one! Jessie! AWWWW!!! Power couple! Brad and Angelina are shitting themselves right now. Jessie gives his pajamas a nice victory rip and glistens with honey. And I feel nothing. Wow. This guy’s personality sucks so hard that I can look past his amazing porn star body. I can honestly say that has never, ever, EVER happened. Either I’m maturing and growing as a person, or he’s a complete asswipe.
Reena says that the honey was a struggle, but she was proud of getting at least one bear for herself, her children, and America! I think I can speak for America when I uncomfortably say “…uh…thanks?” Brian is disappointed that Jessie won, but is confident that he can just program Jerry to put up whoever Brian chooses. Later, Brian confides to Catholic Dan that Memphis was too good out there and he’ll “take care of it”. Dear Angie, please tell Jerry that Brian’s a sniveling little snake. Love, Flipit.
Brian makes his way up to the HOH room to tell Jerry he has chosen to evict Memphis. Jer is scared that Memphis will “go bananas” but doesn’t feel too bad about it since Memphis already won a car and Reena will probably get voted out anyway. Keesha, April, Rerun and Libra are hanging out when Brian comes in to gloat. He assures them that Memphis is outta there. Keesha looks unsure and he swears that he has it all taken care of. Really? Because you are talking to at least three people right now who haven’t pledged their allegiance to you, idiot.
Ollie follows him out to join him on his victory tour, and the second they’re gone, Libra nails it on the head. “He’s trying to be a Dr. Will flashback!” And then she honks an imaginary horn and stops the car. LOL. Love it. The girls guess that Will.I.Am, Rerun, and Catholic Dan are in alliance together and want the girls to help them get rid of the strong men, which Libra says would “be like Birthday cake.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m still solidly behind it. April isn’t sure, because she’s like totally bonded with Rerun and he would’ve told her if he had an alliance. Because charming men are, you know, honest. Duhdoioing. Oh, shy April. You have so much to learn about this big bad world.

OMG you guys. Something like this totally happened at work one time.

Keesha goes to the steam room with Angie and Michelle and they all decide that Brian’s a threat. Libra touches up her makeup in the bathroom while trying to convince April that Rerun is in an alliance with the cell phone salesman and Catholic Dan. April doesn’t believe it at first because Rerun woulda confided in her, but then she starts to get mad. How dare someone treat her like some stupid slut? Then she grabs Libra’s hands and asks her to feel her boobs. Libra snaps her fingers and tells the girl to focus.
They call Ollie into the bathroom and Libra confronts him. Then April tells him off for treating her like some dumb reality ho. He tries to deny it at first, but then he says that he may be kinda with Brian but they’re not against the girls. Keisha gets more and more upset, and April, who’s apparently unable to form any kind of thought on her own, gets more and more upset, too.
Then they all move to the pantry, where Ollie promises that he was never trying to “clip” (shoot) them. The girls browbeat him into aligning with them while bitching at him for having the nerve to align with someone. It’s all very sensible. He will do as they wish, and to prove he means it, he says that they will find anyone who is trying to control the house this early in the game and (slap on the head) “pop em’ out”, which means, to anyone who doesn’t listen to the radio, shoot them in the head. Finally, gangsta rap lyrics are making it into the Big Brother house. America, we are moving forward.

Ollie goes to Memphis and tells him about Brian’s plan to get him out before meeting with Libra and Keesha to decide that if everyone but Catholic Dan and Will.I.Am meets with Jerry and tells him that it’s their way or the highway, they can convince him to put up Brian. Keesha falls onto the bed with a sigh and Libra says “all this game play just makes you wanna sleep!” Yes, Libra. All this brainpower is making me tired, too.
They start gathering the troops and when everyone is gathered outside the HOH suite, shy April goes out to the backyard, where Jerry is sitting with Catholic Dan and Will.I.Am. She puts on her “I’m just a stupid girl” voice and puffs out her boobs as far as they will go, which I will hand to her, is pretty far. She asks if she can use the HOH bathroom. “Of course ya can, hon. Did I ever tell you about the time Regan told Gorbie to knock down the wall? That birth marked little bastard!” He takes her up to the suite, and walks into the meeting.
The HG’s tell him what Will.I.Am’s been up to and that Jerry has to put him on the block. He gets defensive and calls them out on being in a big alliance themselves, so what’s the diff? Jessie, as rudely and disrespectfully as possible, reminds Jerry that he doesn’t have a vote, which the man doesn’t take kindly to. Everyone has a vote in this country, young man! Me and my generation made sure of it! Angie explains that Jessie only meant this week, not in general, which kinda calms Jerry down. They tell him that if he puts up Brian, they will make sure not to put him up next week. Disappointed that his profound plan has already taken a nose dive, Jerry scolds them and says that he doesn’t know if he trusts any of em. Now you’re gettin’ the hang of it, Jer!

What the hell just happened?

It’s nomination time! Jerry points out to us that he is not wearing anything military today, or a wife beater, because he has to go back on his word and he doesn’t want to disappoint the military. Or wife beaters. This guy’s is solid gold. Will.I.Am has no idea what’s coming and he smirks through his entire diary room session about how shocked Memphis is about to be.

HAHA

Jessie, alone, goes to stare fondly at his picture on the wall of HG’s, and then joins everyone else in the living room. Renny has cleaned the nineteen hundred pounds of honey off her and has put on her Patti LuPone garb. And not the Reno Sweeney happy go lucky Patti, but the bitter just got fired from Broadway’s Sunset Blvd. Patti.

Andrew Lloyd Webber, you sir look like a toad. There! I’ve been wanting to say that for YEAAAHS!

Jessie tells Reena it’s time give a speech about why he should use the veto on her, and she stands and says that they were on the block because of his rudeness but he was lucky enough not to make the mistake of rolling around in honey so he won and she wouldn’t expect him to use the veto on her because he’s a punk boy and needs to get his whistle wet. The speech didn’t have much gravitas, but Angie is very touched by it.

Oh shut it, ya weeny.

Jerry’s turn. He says that he made an alliance with someone, and that makes Catholic Dan smile proudly, like “he means you, Bri!”. Dumbass. Jerry continues that eight of the HG’s came to his room and told him that his partner had made numerous alliances behind his back and they want “this person” out. This is the second time he’s had to nominate someone, and both times he’s kept his hands completely clean. Smart guy. When Will.I.Am’s name is finally called out, he just smiles. Catholic Dan, however, has pee dripping down his leg.

Before/After

Dan says that he is shocked that a man so serious about the military would go so blatantly against their code by betraying a friend and going back on his word. It’s not like the military has confession to make it ok later. WTF was he thinking? Will.I.Am cooly tells us “the player got played.” LOL. Player? Well, you will most likely win first at something, so good for you.