Big Brother: Road Signs and Pigs Feet

Tonight on Big Brother, Keesha gets the opportunity to act like a scheming, vindictive, screeching crazy woman and completely blows it. Thanks a lot, lady! At least we get to see Michelle dance.

Watch out, Elaine Bennis.

Previouslies: First, Steven couldn’t pull it together to win that intense putting the license plates together to make three syllable words challenge. That was a toughie, huh? The contestants could make the words, since most of them are more comfortable sounding things out without having to worry about spelling. They just couldn’t remember the states. Sound out words and remember states? At the same time? The producers are asking for a lot. One day there’s gonna be a stand on one foot and count backwards from ten challenge and everyone’s heads are gonna explode.They all kinda sucked it on that one, making Michelle look smart. Portugal cried.

Idiocy is totally my strategy, you guys. My second choice was Alabama – TTRTOT.

Then this happened.

I’m too fucking sensitive to live so I must disappear now. I’ve got a buckeroo back at the ranch anyhoo. BIZYEZYE. SUCK IT BITCHES!

Aw, Steven, if you had that personality from the start, you’d still be on TV. Groedner coulda worked it out. Then this happened.

Libra: I WON! I WON!
Keesha: No. No you didn’t. Uh, Libra? Stop doing that. Seriously. Stop it.
Libra: YAYYYYY!!!!! I RULE! It’s my lucky day! I’ll bet Obama’s up like 9 points right now!
Keesha: Oy gavalt.

I generally enjoy an unstable, insecure, bipolar disordered Hooters waitress (on my TV, at least), so I was pretty happy when Keesha won the “what did Grodner steal while we were drunk in the hot tub” HOH challenge. Now’s your chance to pay off in the brewing psycho department, kid. Don’t f up!
When all is said and done, Michelle tells us how “flabbergasted” she was by Steven ending his closing argument with “suck it, bitches”.

Disgusting! I’m gonna discuss this later with Jessie while I wax his butt cheeks and check for polyps.

Jerry was downright offended by Steven’s foul language, calling it a personal attack. If Solomon had ever said that back in the day, a bush woulda burned his ass up and the sea woulda turned red.

Don’t worry, Jer, he wasn’t wearing a military uniform when he said it so it’s totally ok.

Keesha is predictably all teary and cry-ey about losing her hag fag, but when the subject turns to her HOH win, her face dries up and she promises that she will turn the house upside down. Sweet! Hope this upside down promise has something to do with Libra, cuz that girl’s cracking up and I wanna see her lose it.

YAAAAYYY!! I’M A WIIINNNNAAAAA!!!! YOU’RE ALL EVICTED!

She’s safe for now. Keesha blames Angie for not taking the fall for Steven. Come on now. Steven chose not to go upstairs and ogle Jessie’s pics in the Axe infused HOH room all on his own. And after Jessie shared the great wisdom of the protein shake and the glut squeezes. Downright stupid. Bitch is lucky he wasn’t beheaded. Catholic Dan, of course, feels that he accomplished his goal of showing that he’s both smart and stupid at the same time by getting one question right and one wrong. The next step in his very detailed and thought out strategy is to dress like a Shark from West Side story and talk in a bad accent and do plies and jumps around the house with a switchblade comb. After all, who doesn’t like West Side Story? Animals, that’s who. He’s sure to be safe!

Maria’s a puta whore for dating a white guy. There! I said it! (Twirl jump lunge)

The girls all gather around Keesha and squeal and hug, but Keesha’s not dumb. HAHA I just wanted to type that. Point is, Keesha may smile when someone suggests the girls put their hair in piggie tails and practice making out with each other, but she is wise (LOL) enough to know that people are just kissing her ass because she has the HOH key.

Keesha: Love you too. Let go. Seriously let go. Ow.
Renny: Let’s celebrate with a bottle of wine, honay.
Libra: Wait. Why isn’t anyone hugging me?
April: (white noise) squeal (white noise) giggle.
Jessie: (muttering) I wiped a boogar inside the pillow up there! LOL MORON! WHO’S THE BRAIN NOW?!?!? AAARRGGHGHGH

The girls sit around in a bedroom and Keesha takes the floor to explain why she loved Stephen and then she goes on about how hard it’s gonna be to choose someone to put on the block. Her innocent act is pretty good, but Libra’s on red alert immediately. She knows the girl is squirrely, and when she doesn’t immediately tow the company line Libra gets all head rolly and suspicious. “Is she sleeping with the enemy?”

She better not be, or I will freeze her with my stare.

Jessie and Memphis are pretty confident that they’re safe cuz Jessie works out and Memphis doesn’t have to take the bus anymore, but Keesha isn’t going to nominate Renny, Jerry or Dan just because her team tells her to. Why would she get rid of nice old people or the guy doing lunge jumps in a cholo costume? Who doesn’t like West Side Story? Animals, that’s who.
When she’s done acting all devious to us, she puts on her kindergarten teacher nasal cutesy I wouldn’t harm a fly tone to invite everyone to check out her HOH room. She ignores the Hooters Employee of the Month photos on the walls and goes straight for the one of her tiny purse dog, Gizmo. They say people subconsciously choose like minded personalities in their pets, and as some of you might know, Gizmo is the sweet cute thing that turns into a slimy green Gremlin when he gets wet.

I am so excited for this.

Keesha also got a letter from her parents, so everyone uses that as an excuse to leave. After seeing Joshuah break down like an out of control wussy drama queen last season, I think it’s a good general rule to leave the room during the family letter. I’m tempted to fast forward through. No one wants to watch a car crash. It’s more fun to see who got splattered all over the freeway when it’s all done.

Splat. See?

Renny stays behind to see the crash, which perturbs Libra because she would want to read her letter by her own damn self. I would too if I was you, girl. No one wants to get schooled by a couple of neglected five month old twins in front of their peers. “Dear Mom, we won’t remember what you look like by the time you come home so piss off. xo” Keesha’s letter is much gentler than that. Her folks say that everyone back home watches her walk the line between ditz and psycho three times a week and they’re real proud of her for not taking one tip in her bra for an entire three or so weeks. Love, mom and Dad. PS We’re still waiting for a side of celery sticks with these wings, slut. Chop chop. Kidding! Call us.
Renny tells us that she thinks of Jessie as her daughter, and listening to the letter was like listening to a letter she and her husband would write to their own daughter. Then she hugs Keesha for a long time and plays with her hair and tells her how proud she is of her for winning the Nobel Peace Prize. I mean getting a scholarship to Harvard. I mean making a wild guess about useless trivia and winning a game involving rubber aliens. Same diff.

Wait. Was that your tongue?

Once the wreck has been cleared and Renny is done stroking Keesha’s hair and telling her how pretty she is, it’s time to get down to business. Renny says that Keesha ceean’t trust Leebruh cuz she’ll stab ya in the beack. Keesha agrees and says she doesn’t appreciate Libra being up her ass and trying to get control. Before they can form a master plan, though, April is at the door squealing and jumping up and down. Keesha tells her it’s tough when everyone’s acting like her best friend and then April giggles like she just heard the funniest joke ever and nods. Is she drunk or retarded? Renny has to leave or throw up. “Boobs and blonde hayuh whatevuh. To me she’s just a pain in the eass.” LOL and Amen, Ren.
Libra and Ollie come up to the HOH room and join them. Keesha wants to get rid of Angie for letting her cowmo hang out to dry, and everyone agrees with her and suggests Angie go on the block with her butt buddy Memphis to take his vote away. Libra rolls her head and says “That’s a no brainer honey”. Keesha smiles and nods, but tells us that she’s planning on possibly putting Libra up. I am not liking all these maybe’s and possibly’s. I’m not saying I want to see Libra go. I actually want her to stay, and I want her to be really pissed off. I’m not watching this for my health here.
Memphis comes up to the suite and for some reason, Keesha uses the time in front of everyone to tell Memphis that Angie’s going up. He says that Angie told him she was only going to put up the people that the group of eight agreed on if she won, Dan and Jerry, but his words are useless against Keesha’s cute old people and West Side Story theory. Angie and Renny come into the room and Keesha asks them to give her five minutes. OUCH. Renny just goes back to her room to practice the box step while moving forward so she doesn’t get run down by her traveling band when she gets home, but Angie knows that she’s being talked about, and she’s freaking out. She finds Jessie and Michelle, but they’re no help. Jessie is staring at his biceps and Michelle’s cooking herself in the sauna waiting for him to come in and realize that he’s completely in love with her. Their minds are occupied.

Whattaya cryin’ to me for? I’m gonna die alone in this glass box.

Memphis tells Keesha that if it was him he wouldn’t put someone up on the block on suspicion alone and she should talk to Angie and settle things. Keesha doesn’t agree to that and asks him to not repeat the conversation to anyone. Of course he walks right to the relaxation room and tells Jessie and Michelle that Angie’s in trouble. But ya didn’t hear it here! Jessie contorts his face like “of course not!” and then makes out with the under side of his elbow.
Catholic Dan goes up to the HOH suite to find Keesha alone and tells her that he doesn’t have any alliances and will give her his allegiance if she asks for it. He doesn’t have to say much, though, cuz Keesha is fawning over him and telling him how much she likes him. She can trust him, he’s from the midwest!

Even the serial killers have a sense of humor in the midwest!

She tells him the plan was for him to go on the block this week, but she’ll save him if he does her the same favor later on. He keeps giving her the hard sell like he’s at a very important job interview and she keeps cutting him off like “alright. You got the job. Put on the uniform already. Those Quarter Pounders aren’t gonna flip themselves.”
Next, she goes to find Libra and sits her down, saying that she got the feeling that Libra wasn’t having her before she won the HOH comp. Libra, instead of getting riled up and screaming, admits it. Letdown! Boooooo! Keesha says that she told Libra everything and didn’t like that she was being made a target. Libra doesn’t deny that either (?? WTF Libra? Did someone feed you or what?) and shakily stutters that she was targeting her relationship with Steven and would totally understand if she had to go on the block. At first this seems like a completely idiotic move, but it calms Keesha down. She laughs and good naturedly tells Libra that she needs to watch her mouth or it’s gonna make her a target. Forgiveness and good advice? What is this? Laverne and Shirley? Someone needs to get scratched soon. I’m getting bored.
Later, Libra, Keesha, April and Michelle chill in the VW room and wonder aloud what the food competition will be. April hopes it’s not eating pig’s feet. Michelle says that she would kick ass if that was the challenge cuz she loves pigs feet. She also likes pig’s ears and cow intestines. No, not because she’s a Satan worshipper, because she’s Portuguese. There is silence and everyone gets a calm look on their face, like they’re finally all realizing at the same time why Michelle’s burps are so wrong.

That story instantly aged April by a decade.

Michelle goes on to share an anecdote about going to a Portuguese Day celebration. It’s like Lebanese day, but slightly louder and hairier. She was walking around checking out the goat snout belt buckles when she smelled something funny. Turns out it was two dead pigs dressed as bride and groom hanging from their necks. A couple of guys took them down and started dancing across the floor with them. She recreates the dance, complete with a dip, and Keesha is horrified. She informs Michelle that pigs have the intelligence of three year old children and that story is sick. LOL. No one can come up with anything else to say, but I for one will never think of three year old children the same again.

“So. You’re single?”

Time for food competition! The game is to dress like a waiter at Johnny Rockets and pick matching socks out of a laundry basket while standing on opposite sides of a wall and rotating on giant records. I don’t know if one sentence is enough to really capture the intricacies of this challenge, but it’s all I’m willing to give it. Michelle and Jessie partner up first and they describe the socks to each other well. April and Goal Weight Rerun are next, and they take forever. April blames Rerun for “not listening to meeee”, which he will probably hear for as long as he does her. Anyway, if he had listened, he would be looking for a sock that’s ten different colors and shapes, because April doesn’t seem to know what “red” or “stripes” look like.

Black! Giraffe! Square!

Jerry and Libra pair up, and Libra kinda bitchily says that she did it to work together and smooth over their big fight. Describing a sock as white with rainbows on it may not be easy, but saying sorry is way harder. What is wrong with these bird brains? Libra just keeps screaming rainbow red white sock. Jerry luckily grabs the right one and gets it on their food item, but it takes him awhile to figure out how to get off the rotating record.

Where the f am I?

Renny, who kinda reminds me of Kathleen Turner in Peggy Sue Got Married as a forty year old who got a chance to go back in time to remember the days when Nicolas Cage wasn’t all creepy and hair plugged. She shouts out that she found an orange and yellow sock with a chicken on it, but the girls on her side keep yelling like she’s doing something wrong. They want her to describe it better and she’s like how many fucking socks can be yellow and orange with a chicken on it? Those young bitches need to get schooled. Renny deserves points for not mooning them and calling them young punks. When it’s her next turn, Dad shouts that he can’t understand what she’s screeching and then she tells her team to shut up so he can hear. Then it turns out Dan just can’t hear period and can’t tell if they are shouting “drinks” or “meats”. Dan’s doing a great job of keeping with that dumb strategy. The problem according to April is that no one’s liiiiistening!! April seems to grapple with feeling disrespected a lot, and I just can’t imagine where that comes from.

If we’re gonna f**k on national television, let’s do it on the floor so I don’t look like I’ll just crawl into bed with anyone, k?

April tells us what a mess Renny is (and she’s not wrong) and then proceeds to not be able to find a matching sock with Rerun. She starts screaming and jumping up and down like someone told her she’d never get an Oompa Loompa. The timer goes off and she throws down her sock and scowels like Michelle just burped in her face. The only socks that didn’t match were a pair of Renny and Dan’s because everyone told them just to put anything on the board so they wouldn’t have to listen to Renny screech any more. Renny is not amused that this cost her her wine for the week.

You can call me old, you can call me slow. But you take my wine and you’re gonna pay MOTHAFU**AS!

One of the food prizes is pigs feet, and when it’s announced, Michelle starts doing the fat guy dancing with a dead bride pig thing at Portuguese Day. That’s not gonna win you any Jessie boners. Later, Rerun and April lie on the couch and try to convince each other that they read. Books. LOL. I am so. Sure. Rerun says that he has recently become “more affiliated with” self help books, and April says that she reads self help books too. Like “Codependency No More”. HAHA. She says the book changed her life and now when she wants to start following a man around and checking the call log on his cell phone, she writes in her journal instead. I think this is the first time I have actually felt sorry for paper.
Rerun doesn’t listen to a word she’s saying. Instead, he waxes on about being a work in progress and says that he doesn’t let girls in because “if you’re going down the street and there’s a sign that says ‘road construction’, are you gonna drive into danger? I keep seeing road signs!” April explains that some road signs say DO NOT ENTER and some road signs say SLOW DOWN. She leaves out the road signs that say “TOO LATE I GAVE YOU CHLAMYDIA” and “CODEPENDENCY NO MORE.” Then Rerun asks “where’s this slow down sign?” I fucking love him right now. Then he goes on and on about traffic (red light. Green light. Bumpy road. Curvy road. Freeway. Toll road. Deer in the road. Don’t mess with Texas. Road rage. Culdisac). I don’t know what the hell he’s saying but it’s cute that he finally has some screen time and sweet to find out why it’s so rare. What a Gump.

Now give him a lube job and shut him up, please.

April leaves Rerun and goes to check on Keesha in the HOH room. Keesha wants advice on what to do so April tells her to put up Memphis because he’s already won a car and that’s not faaaair! Why should he get a car? Because some people are just born to pull themselves across backyards in upside down bugs and some aren’t, you silly ho. Maybe there will be a donate your giant boobs to a needy old man challenge ahead and you can win something too.
Later, alone, Keesha opens her door to find Jessie sleeping on the couch outside her room. She laughs at his obvious lameness and lets him in. It looks like he has a black eye. Where did that come from? Did someone kick Jessie’s ass? And why is it shaped like one of Renny’s plastic madame shoes? Dear God, please let me see Jessie get his ass kicked. Love, Flipit. I think it’s just a mark from laying on the couch for so long waiting for Keesha to notice him and invite him in, but a boy can dream.
Jessie sits Keesha down and gets all offended that she’s putting Angie up. He tries to convince her to put Libra and Dan up by talking to her like she’s an idiot, and when she finally stops trying to resist him, he just stares at her with an assholish look on his face and repeats “you understand? You understand? You understand?” He gets up to leave Keesha defiantly snacking on Fritos (the HORROR), and I am shocked that he doesn’t flick her on the forehead on his way out. Well, you just made that decision easier, YOU DICKHEAD.

Let me put this in girl language for you. Blah blah shoes blah Libra blah I have my period. Got it, dingbat?

At the Nomination Ceremony, Keesha gives Dan the first key. HA. Jessie looks like he can’t believe that his abusive husband act didn’t charm her. And he’s on the block! YES! Go, Keesha!! Love it. She stuck with her plan of putting Angie up, but she also did her a favor by putting Organiroid up…unless he wins immunity. Hopefully the challenge will have something to do with ingesting animal fats. Catholic Dan is psyched that he was spared, saying that tonight is his coming out party.

Please don’t ever come out.

Jessie puffs up his chest and makes the “body and brains” face and acts like an ass, and Michelle is hellapissed that someone would mess with her imaginary boyfriend. “It’s owan like Donkey Kowang!” Then she rips a foot off a pig and dips it in a side of ranch, burping dead smell into the air.