July 10, 2008
Big Brother: Revelations
The Bot announced the cast of this season’s Big Brother yesterday morning on the Early Show, so we got together to get to know them a bit before Sunday’s big launch. They were almost exactly like the YouTube video leaked a few days ago. Misogynists, bimbos and Shirley McLaine made the list. Thank God for Summer!
Someone uncross the bot’s eyes. It’s go time!
Angie
Schoonie: She actually seems kind of (dare I say it?) cool, which means that I will probably loathe her by week 2. Women’s Guinness chugging champion? Check. Enjoys football? Check. Beats up people who make fun of her mentally handicapped brother? Check, although she’s probably following Flipit around with a tire iron as we speak. Guinness is absolutely terrible, but any woman who wins a beer chugging contest automatically gets one free pass. Here’s to Angie using it up immediately by inevitably saying something derogatory about the Jews!
FozzieBare: I immediately am distrustful of anyone who lists The Notebook as their favorite movie. And Asians.
Now Angie, I see that you listed “fun things” as your favorite thing to do? Why is that? Is it their funocity of thingyness?
Flipit: Angie is in pharmaceutical sales, so I kinda like her right off the bat. Maybe the woman can get me some ephedra. Her smile is tight and big, and she wears a tiara in her get to know me video. Her personality seems chill and lighthearted, and not being able to judge her right away both worries and confuses me. Please say this year’s twist won’t be boring nice people with the potential for successful, happy lives. I don’t even want to make fun of her mentally disabled brother, and I don’t know if I can live with that.
Brian
FozzieBare: Brian still owes me money for our failed flatiron franchise. Telecommunications Account Manager? “Hello Sir or Madam as the case may be. How many times have you said, ‘gee my phone smells?’ With our revolutionary phone cleaning product you can virtually elimina….hello?”
Flipit: Brian describes himself as “a guy’s guy” who watches a lot of sports and reads Men’s Health. Did you date Teri Hatcher too, ya big girl? This guy screams Seacrest. He says that if he could choose any political office, it would be Vice President, and I hope I get to meet him one day so I can ask him to spell potato. He says the words “Air Force” and “tough Italian” lots in his bio, and he mentions that his sisters told him not to have sex while on TV. Smooth. He’s already come up with an excuse not to go near an actual woman this summer. Pros? He looks like he put a bunch of gel in his hair and spent an hour in the bathroom with a blow dryer before falling asleep on the couch while waiting for his turn with the photographer.
Schoonie: Brian still reads Maxim, apparently. I bet he’s not really going to be thrown off when he finds out that the twist is that everyone has to pretend that it’s 2002. He’s also involved in “several entrepreneurial ventures”, and we know what that means: he owns a piece of Mike Boogie’s restaurant, just like everyone else that’s been on this show, EVER.
Memphis
Flipit: My brother in law had a sweet dog named Memphis who died of leukemia, so when I saw this “mixologist” my first reaction was “aaaaw!” Then I remembered that that dog always smelled funny and never brought a ball back in his life. Memphis sports a faux hawk (please just let that hair cut die, people) and says that he seems all nice and laid back until the door closes. Then, he’s on the inside and we’re on the outside. This one’s a thinker. Is it too soon to call this the smartest cast ever?
Schoonie: Okay, so something awesome just happened to me. Please do the following, right now:
Step 1: Go to Wikipedia.
Step 2: Type ‘mixologist’ into the search field.
…
…
…
You back?
AWESOME, right?
I think that about covers it. Shove it, Memphis.
FozzieBare: A Memphis in California? What’s next a New York in Georgia or a Paris in Beverly Hills? I mean….Seriou….ya know. *Gulp.* Is this thing on? His picture looks like somebody Photoshopped Corey Haim’s head onto my Aunt Mary Jo’s Glamour Shot.
April
Schoonie: Oh god, another April. I bet this’ll work out well. Her bio says that she has an identical twin sister that is pregnant, so I guess we can go on and rule out THAT twist. Her favorite foods, however, are carb laden, so she gets one point for that. Her favorite movies are (get this) “Dumb & Dumber”, “Remember the Titans” and “Crash”. Right now, someone out there is financing a movie about a racist football team taking a road trip to Aspen, and I’m guessing I’m not the only one who cannot wait until that shit comes out.
FozzieBare: Ever seen Memphis in April? It’s glorious, although completely vapid and extemely creepy.
April calls her dad her rock, although he prefers to be called her Dwayne Johnson.
Flipit: April has OCD, a degree in “fitness management”, and a twin with a matching tramp stamp on her lower back. But she’s totally into carbs you guys, so don’t hate her because she’s almost kinda not fug. Ugh. I wanna walk on her bed with muddy shoes. And PS, bitch ain’t thirty.
Ollie
Flipit: The bot tells us that Ollie recently lost his virginity.
Schoonie: It’s why he’s smiling so widely, I guess.
Flipit: Cut to Ollie doing the window wash dance and saying “I’d be better off sleeping with less women.” You know who else would be better off? Women. His bio says he is a preacher’s son from “The Black Brady Bunch”. Oh, Jan. Rerun’s hat makes you look fat.
Schoonie: He also doesn’t drink, smoke or curse, so: dead to me.
FozzieBare: Ollie was actually the inspiration for that Dusty Springfield ballad “Kangol Hat Bonanza.”
Other than the obvious physical similarities, he also shares a birthday with Jonathan Lipnicki.
Michelle
FozzieBare: I love this glorious, fierce, thick mane. We can only hope she’s as delusional and self-possessed as Amber. I have a theory that it’s the hair that makes them crazy. “She is an avid animal-lover and has a dog named Ralph Lauren, a pair of cats, Tiger and Cookie, a rabbit named Bugsie, a bird and three fishes”, 4 of which currently reside in her hair.
Flipit: Second age liar. Michelle is one of those cougars who insists that she’s twenty eight until she dies with all of her grandchildren at her bedside. She is a single realtor with 8 pets, and I’m guessing she’s also got a freezer full of Chubby Hubby and an old tape of “When Harry Met Sally” in the VCR. I need a lint brush just looking at her.
Schoonie: I agree that Michelle looks alarmingly like Amber, which is so, so bad because I’ve already spent an entire season of recaps making up stories about melting polar ice caps and the rising cost of corn and other reasons why Amber was crying, just to keep it interesting. One the bright side, however, I still have “Cries all over the place” as a macro. Score! Apparently she jumped up at her brother’s wedding when the priest asked for objections. I bet her sister-in-law loves her.
Jerry
Schoonie: Jerry looks awesome, which means that he will probably be the first person to go. He’s 75 and apparently never missed an episode of Big Brother, which makes me wonder if he’s really using the rest of his time to maximum effect.
Flipit: Jerry has a “very profound strategy” for this season, and I have a feeling it might involve farting a lot during endurance challenges. In his bio we learn that he’s an ex Marine, loves his wife and the USA, and his favorite movie is The Ten Commandments. How un-creepy. Then the bio ends with “He describes himself as liking to touch”. A. Yikes and B. YAY!
FozzieBare: We shouldn’t underestimate Jerry just because of his age. I think Jerry’s going to be a real force to be reco…..Oops he died. Never mind.
Libra
Schoonie: Libra is a “staunch” Obama supporter, which I find hilarious. Have you ever heard anyone who calls themselves an Obama supporter say something like “Yeah, I like Barack Obama. I mean, he’s…sort of cool.” They’re ALL staunch.
Flipit: Libra “recently gave birth to a medical rarity… 4-month old twins, one black and one white.” She gave birth to four month olds? It’s official. Libra has the biggest vagina ever. I am holding back judgement on this one, because like her hero, Obama, she says a lot and I still have no idea what she stands for.
FozzieBare: She gave birth to twins, one black and one white? How can she get away with that but when my mom gave birth to a black baby my dad got so pissed?
Schoonie: Think about how much fun that will be for them in college. It’s like the world’s coolest party trick.
FozzieBare: Donde es Libra? En la bibliotecca. Those Spanish classes are finally paying off!
Steven
FozzieBare: What the hell is a geographic consultant? I think that means he gives directions at the gas station where he works.
Flipit: I would like to thank Allison Grodner for putting a boner fide hot gay guy on BB. If Jake Gyllenhall looked like this, I think Heath Ledger would have totally married him. That said, Steven spends a lot of time in his video and bio talking about how hot everyone thinks he is and then mentions his one eyed dog. I am officially uncomfortable.
Schoonie: Steven is a gay cowboy. I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that either Flipit or Fozzie have already made a Brokeback Mountain joke, and: everyone gets one, and one only. I’m afraid that I must be strict about this.
Flipit: Darn. I’m cut off.
FozzieBare: Not me. Gay cowboys are so two years ago. Gay blacksmiths are the new “it” boys.
Schoonie: On a side note, I’m just really hoping that he eats pudding sometime during the course of the season.
Renny
FozzieBare: She looks like a 1920s flapper. Twenty-eight scadoo! Anybody else wanna bet she’s gonna whip out a penis around week three?
Schoonie: Renny looks like a drag queen, but is actually not. She says she has outfits and wigs for all social occasions, which (again) makes her sort of like a drag queen. However, I’m willing to be that she ends up being the coolest one in the house. She’s that aunt in every family who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and starts talking to the house pets.
Flipit: Shirley McLaine!!! OMG did she die because this is so Out On Limb. Even her bio pic looks like the Sweet Charity poster. I cannot say anything bad about this woman. I pledge my undying love to Renny. LOVELOVELOVE.
Dan
Flipit: Dan is an openly misogynistic right wing Catholic School Teacher. Come on, guys, openly misogynistic right wing Catholic School teachers are people, too. “He doesn’t think that America would have been ready for a female president and if Hillary Clinton had won the presidency, he would have moved out of the country.” Can we re-vote?
FozzieBare: Dan looks like that greaser, bad-boy, conservative, Catholic School teacher that mom warned you about. I think I would have moved out of the country if Hilary had won too. Not because she’s a woman, but because I don’t need someone to whom I owe money with that much power.
Schoonie: Dan is an asshole. I think that about covers it.
Keesha
Schoonie: Keesha looks like Daniele, works at Hooters like Daniele, and will hopefully replace Daniele in every form and fashion after this, like the Talented Mr. Ripley of Big Brother. If Keesha were just to Eternal Sunshine the memory of Daniele right out of my brain, I would be cool with that.
FozzieBare: I think Danielle just put on 40 pounds and changed her name to get back on the show. I love anyone whose loftiest aspiration is to move from Hooters hostess to Hooters night manager.
Flipit: Keesha thinks she will do well in the game because all the backstabbing, manipulation and drama is exactly how it is at Hooters. All About Skeeve. Her proudest accomplishment is moving to LA “without knowing a sole”. Poor thing’s feet must be a blistery mess by now. Keesha is a fucking moron, and I think I love her.
Jessie
Flipit: OMG I am too shy to talk right now. You guys go.
FozzieBare: Jessie describes his ideal romantic partner as curvy, having long dark hair and being opinionated. I think I know just the person!
Flipit: I don’t have long hair. Nick who?
Schoonie: Jessie worked as a train conductor for a railroad, which means that my twist prediction has come true, albeit a year late. But still! He’s also a “drug-free” bodybuilder, which is a shame, because the Chenbot is the perfect vessel by which to smuggle drugs into the Big Brother house, or across the border. You see, the drug dogs cannot smell her because her skin always emits the pleasant aroma of dryer sheets.
FozzieBare: Roll call! Sassy black chick, here. Vapid blond idiot, here. Embarrassing gay guy and redneck, twofer here. Greasy, muscled douchebag, here! We are good for season 10 people, let’s roll!
Need more? Check out the house!