Living Lohan: They’re Just Like You, Only Way Better

Just when you thought TV went to sleep until Fall, a smart, sassy tough talking role model for the common woman everywhere comes along to save the day. Yes, I’m talking about Kyra Sedgewick in The Closer. But Living Lohan is on too. Welcome!

Dang, Ali. You’re aging really quickly.

I didn’t realize this before seeing the opening credits of this show, but the Lohan’s are a totally normal American family, you guys. They live in a two story house that looks just like all the other ones on their street,

McMiddle Class

They drive gigantic gas guzzling cars,

McSaudi Supporter

The mom has a healthy obsession with nouveau cheeze Ivana Trump (come on, who’s mom didn’t try this Aqua-Net enforced bee hive and giant plastic pearl earrings at least once? It was like “the Rachel” of the El Paso Country Club when I was growing up.),

McVana

They even wear Adidas!

Kids wrestling, Home Sweet Home banner hanging in the family room, dog pooping on the rug; yes, the Lohan’s are a normal American family. They are the McLohan’s. Just one tiny difference between them and us: THEY’RE FABULOUS AND EVERYONE WANTS TO BE JUST LIKE THEM.
McVana welcomes us to her show by letting us know a little bit about herself. “I’m a single mom with sole custody of my kids.” Uh-oh. You know you’re in trouble when someone you just meet opens with that line. I have never known someone to say “I’m a single mom” without it sounding like a threat. Fitting for McVana, as she warns early on that you can say what you want about her, but if you fuck with her kids she’ll cut your ass. After all, a lioness protects her cubs. Otherwise they will get damaged and be less sellable. She’s a powerful woman, dammit!
Her kids don’t get out of line and when they do, she gets “this look” on her face that quiets them down. I don’t think it’s the look on your face, hon. I think it’s your face.

Be skerd.

Our story begins with Dina starting her normal day just like a normal person. A jury duty summons? How NORMAL! She tells her assistant Alexis to find a way out of it, because “I have to work”. LOL. Tell the judge I can’t make it because I rented out one of my kids that day and I need to be there for the drop. He’ll totally understand.
After the normality, she gets on with her real morning routine: pouring through tabloids and cutting out pictures of her wobbly ass twenty one going on forty six year old daughter, Lindsay. Lindsay will not be appearing in this show because McVana wants to “protect her”. Instead, she will be represented by this little bear.

Lindsay B.

I hope that McVana puts all those cut out pics of the real Lindsay falling down and wastedly making out with girls into a giant scrap book to show her grandkids one day. For now, though, she’s using them as evidence of a twisted, celebrity obsessed media that will ruin her child if she doesn’t put a stop to them! Her youngest kid, Cody, comes in the kitchen to ask his mom why she’s always looking at the papers. She stumbles around without a good answer, so Alexis answers for her. “Because it’s interesting!” The day Lindsay’s picture isn’t in one of these “trashy” rags is the day McVana’s head explodes, kid. Did you just move in or something?
Dina finally gets out the real reason she reads the papers. So she can get the ammunition she needs to sue the publishers. After all, I Know Who Killed Me didn’t do anything to help get the mortgage caught up. Today’s story is all about Lindsay’s most recent intervention, which really pisses McVana off because it’s truth blocks any possible income for her. Sorry, no “Linsay Lohan Anally Probed By Gay Director” this morning, Dina. You might wanna flip over to the Help Wanted section.
She says that if they start this crap with Ali, there’s gonna be war! How would anyone even know who that lifeless lump of clay and sticks was if you hadn’t made her sign a Ford Modeling Agency contract on her way out of your womb? She’s pissed about an article suggesting that Ali has had a nose job.

Gee, where’d they get that idea?

They were being nice. They could have pointed out that she got a bad nose job and came out of surgery looking 30. That would be way ruder. Dina tells us that she doesn’t spend her whole life worrying about all the people talking about her family (only the two hours each morning) and she understands that people are only interested because they are idiots. Finally! We agree on something! Cut to Dina watching TV with a smug smile on her face as her daughter exits one of the rehab centers she’s hung out at recently.
Even Dina’s poor mom is stalked by the world! Nana comes on to tell us how the paparazzi have knocked on her door and made her dog bark. Well if you’d wear some panties when you got out of cars and stopped banging dudes twice your age, no one would bother you, slut.

If I have to read one more article about Nana in the bloids, someone’s gonna pay!

To avoid getting more publicity, McVana has decided that it’s time to try and sell Ali again. She tried two years ago with a Christmas album that made the ten kids who heard it denounce Santa Claus, and now it’s time for another go. After all, the Maloof family believes in her! They are going to produce the new screeching horror show jackhammer demolition chainsaw massacre album in their multi-million dollar recording studio at the Palms, their Vegas hotel. The Maloof’s used to pay Paris Hilton hundreds of thousands of dollars to fly out and party there, so you know they’re quality.
Cody, who looks like a young Jodie Foster, is glad that Ali is going to follow her mother’s dreams, but he’s not happy that there will be people around the house trying to get his Nana’s picture. Poor kid. Maybe you’ll grow up to be a happy, smart lesbian and make really killer women in danger flicks.

The Brave One

It’s time for Cody to go to soccer, but he’s gonna be late because his sister is upstairs obsessing over her nose and trying to shade it to look smaller. I’m so not kidding. I had to rewind three times to LOL.

She’s done with her nose, so now it’s time for her busy busy day! Montage of photo shoots, VH1 red carpets, posing with Lindsay for the paps…you know. Just a regular day in the life of the superstar that is Ali Lohan. I don’t know where the family really went when they left the house this morning, but it must have just been to drop Cody off at soccer practice and then back home, because before you know it Ali’s in bed with Assistant Alexis listening to tracks her label sent over on her Macbook. Ali hasn’t said a thing yet, and after five seconds of listening to her speak, I know why. The girl has the charisma of one of the extras from Awakenings. From now on, she shall be called Slohan. At least she’s cute in a way. She looks like Kristin Davis from Sex and the City. The forty year old version from the movie.

Slohan isn’t happy with her tracks. She doesn’t want teen queen, she wants hip hop. Like Killa! Oh, yes she did. Please God, let Ali Lohan record a rap album. Love, Flipit. Alexis wants to hear the tracks, but Ali doesn’t play her the ones she’s supposed to be choosing from. She plays her the tracks made by her newish friend, Jeremy. As his boy band sounding drivel fills the room, Slohan wets the bed. Who can blame her? Jeremy’s a stud. With his giant Grace Jones/Ross Dress for Less sunglasses, any girl with working parts would squeal.

This is the kind of guy a girl looks at for a long term relationship.

Need a better description?

“Jeremy’s like such a cool producer who would like always IM my mom like ‘listen to this’ (eye bug) ‘listen to this’! (eye bug). “

He used to IM your mom? Oh dear. Alexis says that she used to sit in bed and go over really terrible songs with Lindsay, and now she’s doing it with Ali. Awwww! Maybe you’ll get to help Ali pack for Wonderland, too! Dina comes home from shopping at the grocery store (I know, I couldn’t believe it either. So normal!) and announces that she’s gonna make chicken with jerk sauce. Ali shrieks “Maaaa! Ewww! That’s what ouah dowags eeeat!” Dina corrects her. She’s thinking of beef jerky. Wacky! You’re a real Jessica Simpson, Slohan. PS, your dogs shit on your rug because you give them beef jerky. Fucking morons.
Ali tells her mom that she hates all the tracks the label sent, so McVana has to take matters into her own hands. You see, the label wants Ali to present herself in the way they think a fourteen year old should be. For whatever reason, they don’t want her prancing around with jeans halfway down her ass rapping about putting caps in pig’s asses. Go fig. As Dina goes on and on about how the Maloof’s need to try to understand who Ali is “as a person” and “hear her voice”, we cut to a shot of Slohan staring off blankly into space and sucking her fingers. LOL, editors. At least someone around here understands who Ali is as a person.

Just release a CD full of white noise with your retouched pic on the cover. Gold, I tell ya.

Dina gets on the phone and starts up with Maloof’s people. Ali only likes one sowang. The lady on the other end of the phone, let’s call her Nana Maloof, tries to explain that Ali needs to release an album that her audience will believe came from her. Well, the sounds of Ali taking a morning poo probably won’t be very fun to hear, and that’s the only thing anyone with half a brain would believe that the girl has ever produced, so what’s plan B?
McVana says that she’s not gonna shove an album down Ali’s throat that she doesn’t believe in. Wow, the artistic integrity. Slohan sloppily applies nail polish during this very important conference call and keeps mouthing that she wants Jeremy. Nana Maloof tries to explain that they only have two weeks before recording begins (two whole weeks of prep? And you thought the Maloof’s were probably just using this as a cheap and quick way to peddle their hotel and casino on the show they help produce), but Dina insists on a phone meeting with Jeremy tomorrow. Wow, Jeremy sure made an impression over IM. That’s totally how all the big producers start. Thanks, AIM!

I hate those sowangs.

McVana tells her spawn that she’s not going to allow any recording to begin until Ali’s happy as an “artist” and before Lindsay’s album, they listened to thousands of songs. If that doesn’t prove she’s got a sharp ear, I don’t know what does. Ali just smacks her gum and pouts in response. Meeting adjourned!
The next day, Jeremy is dropped off at the house for his meeting with McVana, who tells us about meeting Jeremy on IM and finally agreeing to use his tracks. Me thinks both of the Lohan’s are wetting themselves over this douche. Who’s mom talks to twenty year olds regularly on AIM? As Jeremy plays her beats from his Apple Loop collection and she “feels the music”, I can’t concentrate on anything but her face. Plastic surgery’s not so abnormal, but if you’re gonna get a nose job, let the doctor finish his work. Is there some kind of rule against doing surgery between the eyes? She looks like Helena Bonham Carter in Planet of the Apes.

Jeremy dances around for Dina while his music plays, and then Ali comes home and spoils everything. During their alone time, Slohan tells Jeremy that she wants to be a hip hop artist and he tells her in a really nice way how to rephrase that so she doesn’t sound like a twit. “What you mean is that you like urban beats.” She nods enthusiastically and he plays her his boy band horseshit (which isn’t hip hop or urban in any way) and she stares into his eyes and falls in love…with his Apple Loops.
He asks if there’s anything she wants him to change and she says nope he’s it’s perfect. She’s known him long enough now that she can really trust him. Four months can really do wonders. He presses a button on his keyboard and the song starts playing. He tries to teach it to her, but she starts droning the words on the same note. He starts conducting, but still only one note comes out of her. Eh, it can be fixed in mixdown. The best way I know how to describe her singing voice is….hmmm. Did you watch The Nanny? Remember how Fran Drescher laughed? It’s like that, only more painful.

The next morning, Assistant Alexis is doing her duties. In case you haven’t figured it out, her job is to google Lindsay Lohan. She finds a still from the Calum sex tape online and Dina gives her a cookie. It’s blurry, and Dina shouts about how it could be anyone. Ali comes in and has a look too and they all stare at the sex tape together, trying to figure out if it’s Linds. If it is, the stuffed Lindsay Bear’s gonna get it’s ass whooped. This is so sweet, watching the family bond in front of the computer.

She looks so pretty!

McVana goes on the defensive. She explains to us that fame is like a big game of chess and calls whoever runs the website. She threatens lawsuits if they don’t take it down and acts all tough, which we know totally worked because when I googled Lindsay Lohan sex tape only 593,000 pages came up. Queen captured. Dina hangs up angry and rants about how the pic is blurry. She asks Alexis if she could tell it was Lindsay and Alexis says no, but she jerked off to it anyway which is the whole point.
The real reason McVana is upset is that her kids go to school and she doesn’t want them to be embarrassed. Those mean kids have plenty of other reasons to make fun of Ali, lady. Calm down. And how was Lindsay’s nude spread in New York Magazine ok? Oh yeah cuz they paid you. If Calum had offered Dina rights to the sex tape it would be on the shelves at Blockbuster.
Outside, Jeremy plays basketball with Cody, and I have to say, I like little Cody so I have nothing to write but a personal plea to the kid: RUUUUUUUUNNNNNN!!!!! Dina has to go to a dinner, so she asks Jeremy to take care of the kids. A. Wow he’s really desperate to sell a song and B. Hulleow, you met him on AIM and you’re leaving your kids with him. He takes them rock climbing and Ali can’t get away from the kids the Maloof’s gave a dollar to to act like they give a shit her fans.

She’s so perty. I hope she does a rap album.

Ali tells us that she’s always wanted to be just like her big sister, so it’s awesome that people want her aowtograph. That statement was so sweet and so sad that I don’t know how to feel about Slohan right now. It’s not her fault she’s being raised by a fame whore pimp and has the personality of a chalk board eraser…I don’t know where I was going with that. Cody ignores the little girls surrounding his sis and climbs the rocks. He says that he doesn’t care if his sisters are famous. They’re his sisters and he loves them. Cutest. Kid. Ever. Dina’s selling the wrong one.
McVana’s dinner was a birthday party for some judge, who she immediately asks to get her out of jury duty. What a mover and a shaker she is. The next morning she calls Alexis to google her because “one of the idiot people are trashing us”. And this news is about….Jeremy? WTF? Did he diddle one of the kids at the rock climbing place? Nope. The article claims that he diddled Lindsay herself. He is quoted as saying that he wouldn’t call himself her boyfriend, they’re just good friends and he’s letting her little sis record his music because he begged her to. Ruhroh.
Ali, obviously, freaks out. Lindsay Lindsay Lindsay! She runs up to the Lindsay Bear and questions it, but when she doesn’t get an answer she just punches it in the face. Poor thing’s heart is probably breaking. She might even consider doing something drastic. Like getting rid of her sideburns.

Thank you very much.

McVana knows that the press twists things into lies for their stories. Why, just recently she was named Mother of the Year. There you go. I find it hilarious that Dina is always ranting and raving about liars when to this day she says she’s a former Rockette and commercial actress; claims that have been denied by Radio City Music Hall and every actor’s union in existence. But I digress. Jeremy. Get that little twink in here to explain himself!
Nana gets to the house first, and she’s disappointed that Jeremy didn’t claim to bang her. She says that he’s a “wiseguy” and doesn’t want to discuss him. Snap, Nana! When he gets to the house, Slohan takes him upstairs and accidentally rubs his crotch with her palm questions him about the article. He claims that the press twisted his words, but she’s not having it. She says he’s acting like a liar, he carries a pleather backpack, and Lindsay doesn’t even know he was born. This is the only thing that seems to hurt his feelings.

Oooh, the suspense!!

Credits roll and I sit still for a very long time, wondering what the hell I am doing with my life. Who knew this show would make me think? How do you guys feel? Are you taking as much painful pleasure in this as I am? Would you do Nana? And why do the Lohan’s all age so prematurely?

-McVana 2008